I DON’T WANT TO FEEL

#np: out of reach by Matthew Perryman Jones

This feeling I feel I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to want you. I don’t want to need you this much. It hurts thinking of holding you each night as I fall asleep. When I wake you are the first thing on my mind.

I don’t want to ponder so much on thoughts of you. I don’t want to get so attached to someone I can’t hold. I want to know what you smell of, to drive my fingers through your hair, to see the light shine in those eyes. I want to look deep into your eyes, get lost in them, drowning; lost in you. I want more than just thoughts of you. I want more than this haze I see around me. I want the real you. But all I have is this feeling and no you.

This feeling I feel hurts so much. I don’t want to get consumed by this smoldering craving for you. I don’t want to love you this much, at least not yet. They say in every relationship one always loves more. This seems to be my lot.

So I leave with you watching me slip away, fading into the dark. Each day I die a little. My strength diminishes each time I force myself to hold back. I dread each beep of my phone; half wishing it’s you, that’s my heart. And also half wishing it’s not you, that’s my head.

This feeling is killing me. It’s hurting me so much. I tell myself it’s just for a while. Soon I’ll be over it; but for now this is my hell. I go away because I don’t want to come across to you as a crazy and unstable person. Maybe if you were close by, just maybe if you were here this love would have been so much easier.

But for now, I don’t want to feel. This feeling is crushing me; taking me deep into depths of despair…

I am sinking so low. I feel empty. I can’t call for help as I plunge into a hollow pit. I see your face each time. Everything reminds me of you. Each smile that cuts across my lips wishes your eyes could behold them.

So much I want to share with you. So much I want to build with you. So much I feel for you. So much I try not to desire for you, for us. This feeling I feel has taken a hold of me. I don’t want it to fade away; I don’t want to lose you.

But this feeling I feel…right now I don’t want to feel because its slowly destroying me….this feeling I feel is taking me to a place far from your reach, far from where you can ever save me.

So for now, I don’t want to feel…