Dear Blog,
Why are my things always complicated? Why is it that the times I have felt so in love and really wanted to give a relationship a try (even though its not normally my thing), my crush all had to be in a relationship, but yet it's me they wanted to be with? Or distance was there to ruin it.
The sad part about the last two times was, when they finally left their boo for me, my ship had sailed. I'd hate for that to happen again because I am really into this one and it feels all so good.
I have written about this my peculiar ish before (Complicated - (May 14, 2012)). I am finally beginning to believe I carry a curse of falling for those I can't have. I remember when I newly resumed in Benin, there was this cute, calm, soft spoken lady I met at a sister branch. She was everything. We made small talk whenever I went to her branch.
Some months ago, I was at her branch with my colleague. She was in the opposite office, but I could see her working on her desk through the glass wall. I asked my colleague about her. I always thought she was my age mate or there about and same level with me. But I got the shocker of my life!
She was two levels above me, not just that, she was also Married!!! And guess the finishing blow? She has three kids!!!!! O_O
My colleague read me and laughed so hard when she realized I had been crushing on the lady. I swear, I had to admit it. The funny thing is, all this time the wedding band I could clearly see on her finger that moment, I had never seen it before. Choi!
Back to my present situation, i feel guilty that I am trying to steal someone else's boo (not really tho)...again! I don't want to be the guy who does that but in my defense, I would have walked away but they were already having problems and were going to break up even before I entered the picture. Honest truth, well...that kept my conscience clean till Ibukun asked me when are they breaking up.
That question put me to shame. I used to insult and laugh at the 'foolishness' of TV characters that keep being the other guy/woman, pathetically waiting for the one they are involved with to break up with their partners and be with them. I used to say how lonely/pathetic could they be? Well, you see...not until you are in a situation you'd never really know what's up.
I am in love. Yes, I am and it feels so good. I am in a happy place but I have to apply reason so if they don't break up by end of this week, I'd take what's left of my pride and walk way. I refuse to be the other guy or the pathetic dude who says he'll wait just to see if things don't work out between them.
Love in a twisted way makes one selfish. I remeber how I didn't feel any remorse when I stole my close friend's girl then. I just knew what I wanted and was out for it. Yea, I agree that you can't really snatch someone except the person decides to be snatched but that's to an extent. Without you being there, encouraging them, they just might put in more effort to work things out with their partners. But if after leaving they still break up, I think then its ok to step in.
That's how I used to insult Angelina Jolie and Alicia Keys for stealing other people's husbands but now...I apologize to them for being harsh. The heart you see, wants what it wants. Not that I am saying stealing other people's boo is right, it takes a lot of discipline and courage to actually break your own heart and walk away.
Recently I posted this on facebook - 'That lonely honourable road of walking away instead of stealing someone else' boo...' Truly it's one hell of a lonely road people rarely take.
After that previous experience, I told myself I would never help anyone cheat again or steal anyone's boo again, but I guess words are just words. No?
No! I am bound by my words and my words are my credibility. This is hard! So I should walk away and be wishing people's relationship bad so I can be happy and have le bae running into my hands for shelter?
Even though I know he isn't treating her right, that's no excuse to step in as a knight in shinning armor as most people would say. Really though, I wonder how it is that someone isn't treating you right and yet you still stay? Maybe the fear of being alone holds them back, but in this situation where you have met someone you say you really like and want to be with? Hmm...guess I wouldn't know this till I get into this situation also (oghene reject!).
Writing this just brought clarity. I mean that last paragraph just gave me new insight into this all. If she can do this to someone else, what makes me think I won't suffer same fate in her hands? Also if someone really wants to be with me I don't know what would hold them back in the relationship they term bad for them. Am I missing something here?
Now I feel all strong and empowered, just like yesterdy till I was in presence of the one who currently holds my mumu button and that's how the integrity speech I had planned to give to end things and walk away all evaporated from my head. *sigh
I remember that dp I saw which said - 'you know that tingly feeling you feel when you are falling for someone? That's common sense leaving your body'. I swear! Story of my life right now!
It's been a while I have felt this way and even comtemplated going into a relationship. Meeting someone that makes me want to break my own rules, that's huge but its such a shame it's coming with complications. Well, I have made up my mind...by the end of this week, if they aren't broken up I'd join all ye saints who have taken that lone honourable road of walking away. I don't want to be a douche/hypocrite a second time.
So I told Ibukun about my decison and his first response was, 'the pushing people away spirit, I should have seen it coming'. Hmm...he's right maybe, I dunno...my head wants to do the right thing of walking away but somewhere deep down I know that pushing away spitrit has been at work, looking for one tiny detail to make me wanna sabotage us and push le boo away. But the end result is all that matters shey? I don't get to be an asshole or lover snatcher init? Ugh!
Still, these past few days have been really beautiful, meeting everyday and spending amazing time with each other. Found myself doing stuff I won't normally do...relationships definitely would change someone but I think once in a while its good to step back a bit and have a clearer picture of what's going on be sure you are not being a fool in love.
And there I go again, instead of just living and be happy, going for what I want, going with the flow and just enjoying love, I am already talking of over thinking and shii...
I guess I really don't know a thing about love after all. *sigh
Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid
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