SMOKES & MIRRORS

The month of March...been an awkward month sort of.

Nothing out of the ordinary tho, just that each week had it's own particular 'weird' experience, mostly relating to work. Well, 90% of my time each day is spent at work so my life basically is about work except on Sundays. Can't say same about Saturdays sadly, I have spent most Saturdays in the office this year.

I'm still learning the process of taking things one step at a time (much progress made), learning patience and just trusting and letting God lead the way, 'cus what I have come to realize is He always works it out for my good. Heck! He always gives me better than I wished for/expected. I know it seems like a cliche thing to say but serious talk here, God really works it out even times when it seemed like I have hit a wall and there was no progress coming.

I just say a silent pray and in no time it all works out. I look back at all the pressure I put on myself back in the days, even broke myself under the pressure I put on myself. The thing is I am rather very ambitious and I hate failing. Anything I find doing I strive to succeed. Then I get all so wrapped in it I put so much pressure on myself and....

One thing I have learnt is God answers prayers in His own time. Life is a learning process. One prayer I have been praying since 2013 finally got answered this 2015. I look back and wish I had just chilled all those times I tried to work it out myself but maybe if I just chilled, just maybe I wouldn't feel deserving of it. Though this came on a platter sort of but it sure gave me stress finishing the deal and I am grateful the deal has been finished and all sorted out fine. This job has really taught me a lot. It has really shown me so much about life and mostly taught me how to be at peace even through difficult times and mostly to trust and let God just take the wheel. Apart from learning important stuff about the business world and other academic stuff, I have learnt patience and how not to carry the world on my shoulder. 

There this phrase I learnt from a colleague helps 'what's the worst that can happen?'

I have grown! Boy, have I? While working on the deal, we got stuck. For days we couldn't move because 'Oga at the top' refused to sign-off, meanwhile the customer was on our neck. Going to work was a bit scary, the pressure began to build then I remembered all I have learnt. I said a prayer and let go. Don't know what made me call a colleague in Abuja that day, he gave me an info that seemed just normal but that was the way out of the stalemate. After the deal was done I just sat in awe of the amazing little ways God has sorted out issues for me.

Second week came with the deadline for our special target for everyone. That's when I witnessed serious office shenanigans. I had to pray that God gives me the grace to forgive. I detest oppression and any form of injustice. Funny, I wasn't the only one that got cheated out of his hard work by a senior colleague, my friend Kess narrated her own ordeal to me. See, pressure of the job is real but that doesn't mean it should change you and bring out ugly traits in you. Tomorrow this job can go and you never can tell where you would meet the person again. 

One thing is for sure, you can't work fine with someone you hold a grudge against, you would just be a bitter person and have a stressful work life. So I got played, yes it sucked but for my own good I needed to rise above it. Forgiveness sometimes needs consious effort. For my own peace of mind I had to forgive and let go even though the person thought he was smart. I don't really belive in karma, I just let things go. We win some, we lose some, that's life.

Third week was crazy! I was the boss and the officer all at the same time! Only me available in my team. That was the week all the issues decided to capitalize! God's grace saw me through even though again office shenanigans came to play. But looking back I didn't handle somethings well, boils down to my not dealing and talking about issues. Terrible way to deal with stuff i agree, but I just can't deal! I'd rather keep quiet and keep my distance. Time would sort us out and we'd get talking again.

I have made mental notes of the things I could have handled better so next time would be different. Since Friday I have been having this nagging feeling on my mind. I need to learn how to handle interpersonal relationships better. I am very horrible at it. I am even worse on BBM. One of the things that keeps friendship is understanding. The friends that haven't left despite my inept interpersonal relationship skills are those who know me on ground but for those I have met say once or twice but have on BBM, I swear those ones probably think I am a horrible person added to my inability to chat/talk over issues.

One major part I need to work on is how to manage people. That's a big part of my job, managing irate customers. I have never been a people person or been good at interpersonal relationships. I always have one way of ruining things. Mostly because I don't know how to deal or talk about issues. I just keep my distance, stay quiet and not tell you anything. I really don't like dealing or talking things over. Sometimes my reaction tells you that you have done something wrong, apologize cool, don't apologize still cool. I am a strong believer that 'i'm sorry' doesn't automatically make everything okay. 

Mostly it's time that sorts ish out. Sometimes you just need to stay away from some people to evaluate things, get a better perspective or say make yourselves value each other again. Even the bible says it, don't go to your neighbour's house too often lest they get weary of you.

Boundaries are there to maintain lines that shouldn't be crossed. The lines are what keeps us in check and helps maintain mutual respect. Sometimes we get so close and used to someone we cross the lines and start taking them for granted. That's when you need to step aside and just take plenty steps back. You need to realign and set those boundaries again to regain your respect. It's true what they say, you don't know what you have till you lose it. If you don't stay away from some people or reduce the jokes you share with them, they'll see you finish to the last.

There was a time I got so worried I was giving people a wrong impression about me so I deleted my BBM app for a while. Had to get back on it sha, so I decided just close friends alone who get me. I don't have up to 40 contacts and it keeps me sane. Can't deal with so much crowd in my life at the same time. I really don't get how people can have over a hundred contacts. People are different I guess.

Though I keep this blog and write personal stuff, I am really a private person sort of. I have talked myself out of shutting this blog down (almost did that second week of this month). I'm complicated and I have different sides depending on my mood. The thing about us humans is we have this natural instinct to judge people forgetting our own sins and flaws. I'm paranoid and insecure. I hate the feeling like people are watching me. Sometimes I just start accepting request then maybe it gets to 40 contacts I start feeling suffocated, like my life is crowded.

One thing I learnt from my University days is people are a big problem in life with their numerous opinions about how well you should live your live. It's best you just have a few around you. The less persons around you, the less bullshit you have to deal with. Trust me on that.

Kike was chatting me up on some stuff last week and I told her something which I never really pondered on before. All the women I work with here are married!!! How's a niccur gonna be great when I spend all most all my time at the office? She laughed and said no wonder I haven't taken a million pictures with fine chicks since unlike when I was in Lagos. (she sure knows me well).

Last Saturday evening I was bored, started going through my old facebook messages and then came across all the messages my University ex and I shared right from when we first met, the time we were playing friends and puppy love shii...then when there was 'the war'. The first message I saw from the war era made me close my browser. Painful memories. So many things I should have handled better. Funny we actually worked it all out but I just had to walk away when I felt I was becoming a threat to what my friend had with her. Sometimes I wonder if they understand why I disappeared. Well, I never told them anything, still wouldn't.

Ending last week, I felt stiffled, like I needed an escape. I needed to go some place quiet, just stay still, leave everything behind and just let go. Stay there and take in the air, appreciating nature and just be free. Sunday I got the chance. But then I didn't wanna go alone so I hit up my paddy Emeka and we hung out at the Botanical garden in Uniben. Of course, yours truly couldn't do with out taking some pictures. It was nice and the weather was friendly. I just stayed there and really had some peaceful time out. We got there 12pm when I checked the time on my phone it ws some minutes to 4pm. Best thing was I felt alive and refreshed. Sometimes quiet company is good, sometimes human company is better.

It would be 2years now I have known my special friend - Makua. I can't remember the exact date but know it was about this period. I call him special because when I knew him I was having doubts about being called for my current job. I had long done the medical test and still hadn't heard from them. Normally after the medical tests they call you up immediately. Oh yes! After not hearing from them for over a week, I thought I had HIV and that's why they had disqualified me. Sha, Makua who barely knew me then was a great source of encouragement and they called!!! Friends are good, but good friends are awesome!

Even though Makua and I don't really share same outloook on most life issues we are blood and yup, the dude is currently abroad enjoying pizza, hot dogs, milk shakes and rolling with 'fresh people' as he calls them. I miss that dude for reals and love him so much.

It's election Saturday, I don't feel socially responsible. Actually I don't really belive anything good can come from the two major candidates so I just sat at home all day, read a book after writing this post and continued playing the really tight Fisfty Shades of Grey movie soundtrack album. Those songs used in the movie are great stuff.  Thinking of trying my hands on a fictional post, it's been a long while I last wrote a short story. Just hope I still got it in me.

Empire!!!! Finally watched it after hearing so much about it. I started watching it thursday evening and I kept on watching even till past midnight. I had to discipline myself to stop since the Federal government refused to declare public holiday against pre election day (absolute let down!). After work on Friday I couldn't wait to get home. Watched the remaining episodes till late in the night! Now I want more!!! My favourite characters are Cookie and of course Jamal!!! Gosh his voice is amazing and yea he does look good. Is it just me or does that Andre character look somehow like D'Prince (Don Jazzy's younger brother)? They have one kinda resemblance, facial structure wise and body built.

So because of the election today I have to stay indoors though I really don't feel like being in doors. I feel the urge to eat pasta, chicken wrap, kiwi flavored scoop ice cream mixed with strawberry scoop, and of course not forgetting the toppings. Then maybe add pizza by the side. But it's lockdown everywhere sadly.

Yup! I love eating junks. Before I ate a lot and didn't add weight but story has changed. After gaining weight ending last year, though I successfully shed them off late January this year. I have noticed my weight keeps fluctuating. This week I add weight, I get conscious of it, starve for a day and do more exercises to lose weight. Then the cycle repeats itself. The only part of my body I can't seem to control is my back side. The stuff's just getting bigger eh!! Even my colleagues have noticed (I feel violated when they tell me, I mean what the hell? Why they be staring at my ass?)

Majorly, I don't want the weight because it makes my face fatter and I don't like the chubby cheeks at all. I like my face slim with sharp sides and cheek bones, gives the eyes this sharp edge when you take a picture with your face tilted to the side. Don't wanna lose all that.

Got so worried about the weight ish, especially as my stomach started gathering fat. I bought a sit-up bench. Boy! Exercise isn't for lazy people at all. Sometime when I walk past the bench it's like I hear it calling my name, begging me to come utilize it and sometimes it's like the equipments is mocking me that I wasted the money I used in purchasing it. *sigh

I have a new task for myself. I have decided to be a better person (not going to start talking things out tho) I don't have the energy to deal. But generally i'll try to control those little things that gets my head spining especially when people keep me waiting without explanation. Gosh! That's just the fastets way to get me pissed. Before I'd just wait for you, when you finally decide to show up all you get is a sulking side of me. But it seems I have taken it a notch higher. On two occasions I actually drove off because I got tired of waiting. Though when my head came down I called to appologise. I feel if I don't watch it soon I won't be apologizing. 

But seriously, if you agree a time with someone, what's so difficult in keeping to time? Or what's so hard in beeping the person that you are running late? I feel it's disrespectful and a sign that you take the person for granted when you keep someone waiting without beeping to appologise or give a heads up on why you are running late. That shii drives me nut.

I am trying to make a mental review of every form of relationship/fling I have had or almost had then see where I screwed things up. Sincerely, I need to improve and become a better person 'cus I'd soon be taking that bold walk down the aisle (in a few years time tho). Its time I sort myself out once and for all ni. The most puzzling thing is its the little things other people ignore that makes me mad, I really don't know why.

They say people always leave but sometimes we help push them away, that I know I am very guilty of.

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid