SABOTAGE

“Hello darkness my old friend

 I’ve come to talk with you again...”

  -  Sound of Silence (Simon & Garfunke)

Now I get why my home church Pastor preaches against Separation as a technique for conflict resolution amongst couples. He'll say, don't give the devil a chance to come in.

I didn't want to make this known sooner. I've been dating since February. I've never really been lucky to pass two months mark the two times I had tried giving dating a chance.

So I thought, maybe this time around, I’ll keep it low and not let many people know. I’ll keep quiet, watch if it survives the test of time. (Or maybe because in my January post about resolutions for the year I said no relationships).

My relationship has successfully gone past the second month now, actually we are (or should I say were?) on to the fourth month. I’d like to believe the jinx has been broken. I was actually waiting for the sixth month mark before penning it down here but I'm beginning to question if we'll make it…

"Are we gonna even make it?

Cause if we are                            

We're taking this a little too far...”

  -  Mine (Beyonce ft Drake)

We had our first fight late February or so. Of course, being my paranoid self and unrepentant over thinker, I had a fit of serious doubts about everything.

Paschal asked how “the boo” was, I replied flatly - we broke up. His next question touched me. When someone calls my name before asking a question, it really enters my brain ni. He was like - "Sayi, hope you don't have commitment issues?"

It hit me after my conversation with Paschal that the reason I didn't want to tell people I was in a relationship or post it here is, I was scared it wasn't going to last and then people would conclude I have a serious issue in making a relationship work or last. 

The month of April was a crappy one. I guess every relationship goes through trying times, some make it, while others don’t.

Let me not bore y'all with the details of my life. (I can just picture Seyi screaming please tell it all, I want to know! little amebo).

I notice little things and I’m good at reading people. Initially I noticed some things but I knew they come off as unconscious actions so I let them slide. But then unconscious actions are actually who we really are deep down.

I know how I am when I'm really into someone, the efforts I make and the lengths I go to show I care. I recently read a post - 'Loving someone who doesn't really show affection.' It helped calm some of my worries.

But then after something happened during boo's birthday week, everything sort of became questionable. Plans being made in front of me and I wasn't even put in the program.  And then I thought, do I now need to also read a post on 'Loving someone who doesn't send you that much?’

I really don't know again, but I feel the person you are dating should always have priority, aside your family of course. But the person really should be in your subconscious... so the signs just keep showing and I’m remembering in the beginning when we used to joke with Justin Bieber's lyrics -

'Am I in love with you?

Or am I in love with the feeling?'

-       The feeling  (Justin Bieber ft Hasely)

Some people are not ready to put in the work, effort or compromise to make a relationship work. They just enjoy the title of I'm in a relationship.

I read something about my zodaic sign - Sagittarius. We tend to love deeply and show affection a lot and we judge others by our standards expecting same level of commitment.

“My weakness is that I care too much”

-       Scars (Papa Roach)

I had initially decided that to avoid any more relationship wahala, I would move at same pace. I won't do anything when my help wasn't expressly asked for and I also won't ask when next we’ll be hanging out.

Not because I'm angry, but so I don't feel like I’m the one putting in all the effort. Since my mind is screwed and knows how to play games with my head, I’ll just stop. These mind games, my mind won't win over me. 

By my zodiac sign, I'm skewed to judge others by my own level of commitment, it would henceforth be the less I put in, the less I expect. That was my new rule. To save my sanity, to save my relationship. I hoped it was gonna work. I wanted it to work so we'll be fine. Little did I know it was even going to show the cracks the more. It takes two to make it work, not only one person making effort.

 “I won’t cover my scars

I’ll let ‘em bleed

So my silence won’t be mistaken for peace

Am I wrong for wanting us to make it?”

-          It’s you (Zayn)

Not everyone can handle stability. Some people live on drama, sort of like it keeps things between them alive and active. Reminds me of my colleague and his girlfriend. I call them Mr. & Mrs. Smith. There's no outing they don't quarrel. Initially I didn't think they would last but I have since realized it’s their way.

Today they would fight, tomorrow you'll see them all loved up. It's what works for them. But for me, I love sanity, stability and peace. I don't have power for frequent fights or drama of any sorts. The doctor says it's not good for my heart.

"Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting

Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?

…

And time is taking its sweet time erasing you”

  -  Sad beautiful tragic (Taylor Swift)

One Friday I jokingly asked for something which from the onset I knew I wouldn't get. That feeling when you know you won't get something but you still ask to tease, but then the other person takes it as an opportunity to be a total bitch. That shit can pain! #painment.

"You'll be a bitch because you can.

You try to hit me just to hurt me

So you leave me feeling dirty

Because you can't understand."

-  Slow Dancing In a Burning Room (John Mayer)

I wasn't having any of it. I made known it was uncalled for, got a long text as reply, we went back and forth with texts. We did the silence treatment ish. We were there ignoring each other changing dps and pms. No one wanted to break first. (oh please before you bring in the maturity crap, no one is matured! Yes I said it, bite me.)

But I did. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t want to be the guy Valentine accused me of being back then in University days when I had issues with mood swings. He’ll say that I was not dependable since I could just switch moods all of a sudden. That if someone panned to do stuff with me, it means if my mood suddenly flips the person would be left hanging.

I had promised to help with movement to a new apartment the week before our little fracas so I had to break the silence and ask if bae was still going to move.

See, aside the unconscious pressure to get the relationship to work, just to prove to myself that I don’t have commitment issues, I was being affected by things my friends and colleagues were saying about me as per relationship ish.

I know I’m not a perfect person, scratch that, I’m a host of imperfection. But I realized what I was dealing with, was beyond my flaws. This wasn’t on me.

One of the worst feelings I think, is to not feel wanted or feel like you are a priority in your relationship. I tried to ignore that was my reality, tried to convince myself that wasn’t it but as the days went by and things kept happening I knew I couldn’t keep fooling myself.

What’s that they say? Actions speak louder than words right? You can’t keep saying I love you but yet your actions are saying another thing.

“You say you love me

But they feel like words to me

Well this just ain’t working

Stop thinking…

Can’t you see you’re fading?”

-          Fading (Rihanna)

One other thing friends were saying was that I like drama. Apparently if someone does something wrong and you try to express your thoughts its drama. Yet, if I decide to keep quiet and just deal, let it pass, they would say I’m keeping malice.

Several times I wanted to bring it up but I felt it would look like I’m causing drama. What people were saying began to actually affect me without my knowing and making me swallow things I shouldn’t and allowing my mind get worked up. I saw this on twitter –

“You either say how you feel and fuck it up or say nothing and let it fuck you up instead.”

So that’s how I kept swallowing things so I don’t look like a crazy person who likes drama. Something happened recently and I just couldn’t anymore. I needed to let it out

“There's something that I feel I need to say

But up till' now I've always been afraid

that you would never come around
And still I wanna put this out

You say you've got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me
And still, you're in my heart

And yes, there are times when I hate you

But I don't complain
'Cause I've been afraid that you would walk away”

-          Broken Hearted Girl (Beyonce)

I wrote it in a message and pleaded that it just be read and not responded to as I didn’t have the energy for back and forth texts. That’s how another silent treatment started which has gone on for days. Sort of like we are separated.

“Nothing but a tear, that’s all for breakfast

Watching you pretend you’re unaffected

You’re pulling our connections”

-           Close to you (Rihanna)

This time, I don’t even care…let the silence rage on, maybe in it we’ll drift apart, I really don’t care. The silence has turned to separation and maybe the devil in the form of Becky with the good hair or Edible catering shall come in. I sincerely don't even give a damn. Goes to show I’m not really a priority.

I mean, you did wrong, I called you out and then you go mute even till the next day and the next. Fine, I said don't reply the message, just read and digest doesn't mean you should go awol. The excuse I’ll get will be, I thought you were still angry with me bla bla bla...

“I’ll take every single piece of the blame if you want me to

But you know that there is no innocent one in this game for two

I’ll go, I’ll go and then you go, you go out

-          Sorry (Justin Bieber)

In the silence I stumbled on a blog post about not being given priority in a relationship. Things that stuck are:

•  Your partner shouldn’t be blowing you off on a regular basis. If someone really sees you as a priority they will put in the effort to make the time for you. Not because they have to but because they genuinely want to.        
•  However, it’s important to know whether your partner is treating you like an option– you shouldn’t waste your time prioritizing somebody who doesn’t do the same for you.
•  Do they make an effort to spend time with you or talk to you, even when it might not be convenient for them?
•  There is nothing worse than feeling unappreciated by someone you deeply care for. You shouldn’t have to beg to be cherished, or prove that you’re worthy, or special, or anything.  You should always be able to be yourself and feel wanted and appreciated. As Mindy Kaling once said, “in my mind, the sexiest thing in the world is the feeling that you’re wanted.” If you aren’t feeling wanted by your own partner, it’s time to say goodbye because that shit ain’t worth it, honey.
• If you are feeling empty, confused and often times very alone in your relationship, it’s time to take a deeper look at what you want your relationship to look like. He or she is taking up emotional real estate when someone else could be a better fit. What if you miss out on another wonderful relationship because you’re stuck fighting for someone who doesn’t want to fight for you?

I'm probably sabotaging what I’ve got myself, giving Asiwa validation. He really did say we are alike. That we self-sabotage our relationships. *sigh

“See it through, there is no easy way, if it’s right, why do I feel this way?

Tick tock, time just slips away

I’ll go my own way”

-          I go away (MNDR)

Well, I know I could be a lot smarter and handle this better but before you judge me, wait till you fall in love and all your sense of rational thinking flies out the window.

"Save your advice 'cause I won't hear

You might be right but I don't care" –

-          The heart wants what it wants (Selena Gomez)

It’s better to be single than be in a relationship and stay unhappy. I won't invest myself in a relationship where i'm not a priority, neither would I cajole anyone into having to act right.

Relationships should be enjoyed and not endured, No?

I've walked away. I don't feel hurt or heartbroken. In a weird way I feel relived, like a weight off of my shoulder. I'm sha watching myself...maybe with time i'll feel it, get lonely, feel sad or I just might not. Dunno.

If your love is stronger than your pride, if you want this for real, come find me. Show you deeply want me and I matter.

Just don’t be too late.

These few days apart, seems I have come to realize I’m better off alone.

“But now I know

I’m better sleeping on my own”

-          Love yourself (Justin Bieber)

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid