'OF KARMA, INFIDELITY AND OTHER RELATED MATTERS...

I'm just going to post it. No need for long story. I have been paid back in my own coins. I got cheated on by someone I love dearly, and guess what? I was cheated by my boo with a friend of mine! Yep...same love triangle story, only this time I am the one who got cheated on.

It stings and it hurts. Now I can imagine what I put my friend through. When you get cheated on, what are you supposed to feel? Hurt? Betrayal? Disappointment? Hate? Anger? Or all of them mixed together, wrapped up in you and just wanting to explode?

In this sort of situation where the other guy is your friend, double all those terrible feelings. I guess fate has paid me back. But it sucks. 

Shit happens but one thing I know is unlike the friend I wronged in the past, I don't know how to go back to a cheating ex. Forgiveness can come after all the emotions and anger has been dealt with but trust can never be there again. Never ever and when there's no trust in a relationship you have nothing.

People are different. People forgive and stay with their cheating partners and work things out but I am naturally paranoid and when I have a reason not to trust someone, that's it. There's no fixing it or repairing anything. I can work through many flaws in a relationship, but cheating? That's a whole new craze on its own. 

I used to think people that cheat are just lacking self-control and discipline. But there's more. Love is not enough to stop one from cheating, neither is having self-control. Its normal to feel attracted to someone else even when you truly love another and you two are in a serious relationship. Self-control and discipline makes you look away and not act on the attraction but when it's someone that's close and always around, love and self control isn't enough. Then you'd have to run from temptation and avoid it at all cost. 

I recently asked a colleague why he didn't come for the office' end of year party, he said his wife didn't want to come hence he stayed at home. I was like, so because your wife didn't want to come you then decided not to come? Couldn't you come alone? His reply made me respect him on a whole new level. He said he decided not to come to avoid anything that"ll lead to infidelity. 

Being my usual self, I had to tackle him more but his reply made me respect him even more. He said "man know thy self! I know my weaknesses, if I cheat now, it's you that will be the first to accuse me and paint me bad". (He was right about me there). 

You have to choose between your relationship and the attraction. If you choose your relationship, for the sake of protecting what you have, you avoid and cut ties with the one you feel just a physical attraction to (hard but beneficial). 

Avoid those lone visits to their houses because the flesh is weak and don't tempt yourself. No matter how disciplined or in love you are with your partner, one day you'd be vulnerable and fall. You might lose that relationship for just a fling that'll not last. Sad thing about such is, once you have satisfied the attraction, it's over but then you'll lose your relationship if you get caught (and you will get caught someday.)

Love is easy really. It's just us greedy humans who complicate things. You choose to be with someone yet, you can't overcome your flesh and avoid all forms of temptations. How greedy can we be? What really do we want?

I feel bad becuase I saw all these coming but I let my heart lead the way even when my head told me what's up. The truth is, if they cheat with you, they'll definitely cheat on you. The signs are always there but we just ignore them and say they would change, but we know better, we just ignore the warning signs.

What's the idea about meeting people? So you fall in love and settle with the right one right? Build something good with them over time abi?

You'd expect that when two people decide to date they would focus on building what they have. But not in the social media age we are in. Some people (both girls and boys) are just addicted to social media or they are just plain insensitive or indisicplined I guess. Time they should invest in building their relationship they would use it to be having meaningless chats on various social apps, setting themselves up for avoidable temptations and then come back and say I am sorry, expecting everything to be automatically fixed. 

I blame myself for everything. I mean, from the word go I didn't really have so much trust, started on a complicated note. Plus this was someone who admitted to cheating all previous exes, what made me think mine would be different? Smh...but it's all cool sha. Once in a while we all get to be fools in love. The bad thing about all this is I am most likely going back if not deeper into my phobia for relationships. I broke my rule, put myself out there and now the very reasons why I never bother with them and the stress and drama that comes with relationships have been revalidated. I am done.

Saw this on twitter lately - "@lnsaneTweets: I sleep so peacefully at night, knowing that I am single and that there's no one out there cheating on me"

This age we are in, trust seems like a myth. Its going to be a miracle for me to open up or let anyone in again. It's not worth it. Though I really do miss my ex but I have to be brave and know exactly what's good for me. I can't allow loneliness or nostalgia over good memories of moments we shared make me go back to a toxic relationship. 

People do that, go back because of loneliness but it is never really the same, the happiness is gone. All you see are the cracks and with time you guys just fall apart finally. It can't be forced, once it's broken, it is broken. "You can't play on broken strings" - (Broken Strings - James Morrison ft Nelly Furtado). 

So I am going to skip that part, just take my time and process this on my own time. No rush to heal, that's for time to take care of. Just do me and enjoy my own company till maybe someone true comes along and hopefully I get over this scar and open up again to let someone in and most importantly get over my paranoia. 

Truth is, in the begining of relationships we see certain signs. We know we should back out then, when we are not yet so deep in it. But we stay and refuse to go, telling ourselves they will change or we will work it out. But truth is, hardly do those things ever change because it's who they are, who they have always been even before we met them. So chances are they wouldn't change. Either we ignore and just bear/tolerate or we leave for our sanity's sake.

One thing is for sure, never again shall I ignore the early warning signs (I sincerely hope for my own good).

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

TWO TIMES THE DOUCHE?

Dear Blog,

Why are my things always complicated? Why is it that the times I have felt so in love and really wanted to give a relationship a try (even though its not normally my thing), my crush all had to be in a relationship, but yet it's me they wanted to be with? Or distance was there to ruin it.

The sad part about the last two times was, when they finally left their boo for me, my ship had sailed. I'd hate for that to happen again because I am really into this one and it feels all so good.

I have written about this my peculiar ish before (Complicated - (May 14, 2012)). I am finally beginning to believe I carry a curse of falling for those I can't have. I remember when I newly resumed in Benin, there was this cute, calm, soft spoken lady I met at a sister branch. She was everything. We made small talk whenever I went to her branch. 

Some months ago, I was at her branch with my colleague. She was in the opposite office, but I could see her working on her desk through the glass wall. I asked my colleague about her. I always thought she was my age mate or there about and same level with me. But I got the shocker of my life!

She was two levels above me, not just that, she was also Married!!! And guess the finishing blow? She has three kids!!!!! O_O

My colleague read me and laughed so hard when she realized I had been crushing on the lady. I swear, I had to admit it. The funny thing is, all this time the wedding band I could clearly see on her finger that moment, I had never seen it before. Choi!

Back to my present situation, i feel guilty that I am trying to steal someone else's boo (not really tho)...again! I don't want to be the guy who does that but in my defense, I would have walked away but they were already having problems and were going to break up even before I entered the picture. Honest truth, well...that kept my conscience clean till Ibukun asked me when are they breaking up.

That question put me to shame. I used to insult and laugh at the 'foolishness' of TV characters that keep being the other guy/woman, pathetically waiting for the one they are involved with to break up with their partners and be with them. I used to say how lonely/pathetic could they be? Well, you see...not until you are in a situation you'd never really know what's up.

  

I am in love. Yes, I am and it feels so good. I am in a happy place but I have to apply reason so if they don't break up by end of this week, I'd take what's left of my pride and walk way. I refuse to be the other guy or the pathetic dude who says he'll wait just to see if things don't work out between them.

Love in a twisted way makes one selfish. I remeber how I didn't feel any remorse when I stole my close friend's girl then. I just knew what I wanted and was out for it. Yea, I agree that you can't really snatch someone except the person decides to be snatched but that's to an extent. Without you being there, encouraging them, they just might put in more effort to work things out with their partners. But if after leaving they still break up, I think then its ok to step in.

That's how I used to insult Angelina Jolie and Alicia Keys for stealing other people's husbands but now...I apologize to them for being harsh. The heart you see, wants what it wants. Not that I am saying stealing other people's boo is right, it takes a lot of discipline and courage to actually break your own heart and walk away.

Recently I posted this on facebook - 'That lonely honourable road of walking away instead of stealing someone else' boo...' Truly it's one hell of a lonely road people rarely take.

After that previous experience, I told myself I would never help anyone cheat again or steal anyone's boo again, but I guess words are just words. No? 

No! I am bound by my words and my words are my credibility. This is hard! So I should walk away and be wishing people's relationship bad so I can be happy and have le bae running into my hands for shelter?

Even though I know he isn't treating her right, that's no excuse to step in as a knight in shinning armor as most people would say. Really though, I wonder how it is that someone isn't treating you right and yet you still stay? Maybe the fear of being alone holds them back, but in this situation where you have met someone you say you really like and want to be with? Hmm...guess I wouldn't know this till I get into this situation also (oghene reject!).

Writing this just brought clarity. I mean that last paragraph just gave me new insight into this all. If she can do this to someone else, what makes me think I won't suffer same fate in her hands? Also if someone really wants to be with me I don't know what would hold them back in the relationship they term bad for them. Am I missing something here?

Now I feel all strong and empowered, just like yesterdy till I was in presence of the one who currently holds my mumu button and that's how the integrity speech I had planned to give to end things and walk away all evaporated from my head. *sigh

I remember that dp I saw which said - 'you know that tingly feeling you feel when you are falling for someone? That's common sense leaving your body'. I swear! Story of my life right now!

It's been a while I have felt this way and even comtemplated going into a relationship. Meeting someone that makes me want to break my own rules, that's huge but its such a shame it's coming with complications. Well, I have made up my mind...by the end of this week, if they aren't broken up I'd join all ye saints who have taken that lone honourable road of walking away. I don't want to be a douche/hypocrite a second time.

So I told Ibukun about my decison and his first response was, 'the pushing people away spirit, I should have seen it coming'. Hmm...he's right maybe, I dunno...my head wants to do the right thing of walking away but somewhere deep down I know that pushing away spitrit has been at work, looking for one tiny detail to make me wanna sabotage us and push le boo away. But the end result is all that matters shey? I don't get to be an asshole or lover snatcher init? Ugh!

Still, these past few days have been really beautiful, meeting everyday and spending amazing time with each other. Found myself doing stuff I won't normally do...relationships definitely would change someone but I think once in a while its good to step back a bit and have a clearer picture of what's going on be sure you are not being a fool in love. 

And there I go again, instead of just living and be happy, going for what I want, going with the flow and just enjoying love, I am already talking of over thinking and shii...

I guess I really don't know a thing about love after all. *sigh

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

December 14, Happy birthday to me

First things first, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Ok. I don't really like birthdays that much. For one, the attention on you that day can be so overwhelming. I am very shy and I naturally hate phone calls. You should see me get so shy over the phone, I'd just be mumbling words like a teenager talking to le crush. That's why I hide my d.o.b on Facebook plus I really don't like my wall being defaced. But each year, no matter how I try to hide my birthday I always have good friends who call me out and post messages on my wall and on bbm too and it gets to me and warms me up and it's really nice having people, friends, wish you a happy birthday. Makes you feel loved and special and then those friends who call out of the blue and you are surprised they remembered your birthday, totally nice...don't mind my mushy ish, am a sucker for emotional stuff.

Then of course, there's the obvious fact that I am actually growing old and currently the big three zero is staring at me and it's some what freaky when I realize in a few years time I would actually be thirty years! I mean me? Ha!!

I remember those days when I was much younger, I used to see those people in their early twenties as really big uncles and aunties, talkless of those in their late twenties. Now I look at myself in the mirror and I am like, huh? Is this how those big uncles looked then or am I missing something? Funny, i guess kids now would be looking at me in that same eye and be like big uncle ish.

Anyway, currently playing Taylor Swift's 22...giving myself hope with the lyrics "I don't know about you...but I am feeling twenty two.." But honestly tho, I actually feel twenty two, actually I feel twenty. I feel young inwards and I dunno, just feeling really happy today and it's a good thing I guess, even though my car wanted to deal with me today. If not that I am so tired from battling with my tyre that got slashed I woulda been dancing carefreely to this 22 song.

Today was harvest thanksgiving in church. I sat and reflected on the past year to where I am now. I feel blessed and accomplished. I am really grateful to God Almighty for a wonderful and beautiful year. It's been God all the way. Even though I went through some difficult things this past year but right now, where I am today every issue has been resolved and I feel so light and for that I have every reason to be thankful. So I say thank you Lord for a beautiful year and I trust that He'll grant me an even much more beautiful new year and take me to the next phase of my life.

People wonder why I have the number '14' attached to the name of this blog, well this is the secret. 14 is my lucky number sort of. December 14 is my birthday. In the university my matriculation number was Agr0500014, then there are some other cool stuff that happened to me related to the number 14. So number 14 is pretty special to me, but mostly because it my birth date. That's why it's Iyosayi14.

When I was younger I had the feeling that it's a sin sort of to leave church service before closing plus those scary preaching I heard about people missing the angels who brought their blessing because they didn't stay till close of service. That's how I grew up with that belief and it sorta developed into this OCD if I should put it that way, that if I leave service before closing something bad will happen on the way. That's how my fear caught up with me today. As I earlier wrote, today was our church harvest thanksgiving and it's normal for service to close really late on thanksgiving day. 2pm and they hadn't even gone half way into the service.... jor o. I had stuff to do plus someone was offering to take me out for my birthday and then I had to meet up with a friend to discuss business too and I had to clean the car and press my clothes in preparation for monday. That's how I carried myself and left church and guess what? My tire was flat!

I tried to change it myself but the bolts were too tight. To cut the long story short I had to manage it, drove with my hazard lights on and very slowly to a vulcanizer's shop. At the end he had to cut one one of the tyre nuts before he could release the tyre. I was already feeling bad my tyre was damaged beyond fixing but I don't know how the dude did it, my tyre came back to life after say four hours. The shameful part? As they were still fixing my tyre, church closed and I could see my church members going home.

Anyway over the years I have learnt to take things in good faith and know that all things happen for a reason and everything that happens to me is because God permitted it to happen. Who knows if I had waited till closing that's when I would have had to fix the tyre, meaning i'd get home by 9pm that's if the vulcanizer hadn't closed by then or shii. Then again I took it as all part of growing up, I mean this is me dealing with stuff now. This dude is officially now closer to thirty than twenty..hehehe

Growing up and responsibilities tho...the shii we never thought would come with growing up, all we knew when we were kids was I wanna grow up and be independent of my parents authority...bla bla bla, if only we knew better.

But in all, it was a good day. I over fed, ate a full plate of fried rice and jollof rice, drank too (I am not an alcoholic) and I lost count of the pieces of chicken i got to eat today. Also had time to catch up with old pals and also felt so much love from my bbm pals and those who called, sent SMS and wrote on my Facebook wall. I hear I'd be getting a cake tomorrow at work and there would be a lil something something too...I hope it all goes well and I get to snap cute pics too. Yup, I am a picture junkie...

So this is me saying special thanks to everyone who made my day memorable, with love...Iyosayi14

'OSHIOMOLE POLICE' IS NOT YOUR FRIEND

Day: Monday November 24, 2014

Time: 1:30pm

Location: Iyaro junction, Benin City

The sun rays spat at my skin through the windscreen. The passengers of the bus beside my car were most likely dozing off because of my music. Someone once said my kind of songs are burial songs, slow, melancholic and sleep inducing. I didn't care what they'll be dreaming about, I sang along to Young and Beautiful by Lana Dey Rey as my eyes hid safely behind my dark stunning shades. 

I looked from the side window trying to get a glimpse of the traffic light. The wait was seemingly becoming unending. Horns blared and cars began to move. Thankfully, I changed gear from park to drive.

The cars in front were moving like snails. The traffic light was counting down to red quickly. I pressed the horn button hard at the bus in my front. Several things I needed to do on time lest I get home at night.

Finally I was at the junction where the traffic light was positioned. I looked up, the count was on 1 and still green. Safe to drive past quickly. I sped on, crossed the road on time. I saw two uniform traffic officers, popularly referred to as Oshiomole police motioning for me to slow down. What could have gone wrong? I looked into the rear mirror. Nothing odd was happening behind me.

Why was I being asked to slowdown? It clicked! The 'touts' were going to tell me I beat the light. I locked my doors and rolled up my windscreen. I had already slowed down, thinking maybe I had hit something or my tire was flat.

I sped past them but a car came from no where. I rammed into his bumper. Damn it! My escape just got foiled. If not for that car I wouldn't have come out. Little did I know the private car was theirs, 'cus at the end of the day no one said anything about me fixing the bumper.

I came down to apologize to the vehicle owner. He was on plain clothes and seemed really concerned about his bumper.

That's when the guys came over, accusing me of running a red light. What red light?! I maintained my stand that I did no such thing the several minutes we were at it.

I parked by the road side and they kept on talking, asking I settled them before I settled the driver whose bumper I ran into. I held my ground. When they realized I wasn't going to bulge they entered my car and said we should go to their station. I remembered a colleague once said it's never a good thing to go to their station. 

But something in me just got ticked off. I mean, I wasn't wrong. If I was maybe I would have mellowed and begged them, probably settled them. But this was damn wrong and plain injustice. I told them we should go to their station. Enroute the station they asked how much I had on me to settle them, I said I had just a thousand naira. They said that wouldn't go anywhere that I should have say ten thousand and then some more to fix the guy's bumper. (The guy was left behind). 

I looked at them, 'na me dis ones wan use chop mugu abi'? I told them we should go to the station, that I didn't have that amount of money to give them. I called my boss at the office. He was well connected and knew people. I narrated every thing to him. He said he would meet me at their office. 

If eyes could kill, they would have burnt to ashes. I called another contact in a top government office. He said when I get to the office I should call him and hand the phone over to their boss. What I knew for sure was they were not getting a dime from me and I was going to walk out of the station with my head held high. 

I didn't beg them or any of sorts. They said I was strong headed and shii. I told them we must get to their station since that's what they had in their mind to do. 

We got to the station and I was handed over to their boss. He asked what happened. I started narrating what happened, then they interrupted me. They said I beat the traffic light. Their boss declared I was guilty and my fine was twenty thousand naira. Just like that, I didn't get to finish my statement. Another nincompoop. I didn't waste any saliva explaining any further. If we were in a society where things actually work, a cctv would have been played to check if truly I beat the light but alas! We were in Nigeria need I not forget.

My boss called and said he was close by.

I chilled.

My contact at the government office called and spoke to the man. He mellowed after the call. Said to be very sure my contact was who he was, he should tell his direct boss to call him to release my car. I stood looking at him. 

I waited some minutes and my boss came. Now it was my turn to show power. See, my boss was my hero that day. Not only did he come, he came with a surprise. 

He came with a well armed Mopol seated at the front of the car. At first they didn't want to open the gate but by the time the Mopol with his gun alighted from the vehicle, the gates were flung opened.

My head began to swell, boy did it swell!

The car drove into the station. I greeted my boss and he said I should take him straight to the man. You should have seen the way the other officers looked at us. Like mehn, this meat wey we go catch today big pass us o.

The shitty man who was forming stone cold for me all of a sudden became friendly. I felt like spitting in his face. In a minute I was free to go and not a dime was collected. 

My contact from the government office called same minute and mehn, you should have seen the new look on the man's face. 

That's how I was allowed to go and no mention was made of the guy whom I ran into his bumper. Obviously he was one of them whose role is to use his vehicle to block cars who try to escape them. One day he just mght get crushed to death.

Some day they'll deal with a trouble maker who would go all the way to make sure the riff-raff are severely dealt with. 

I drove out of the station as a don with my boss' car following. The Mopol totally legitimized our street credibility. Hehehe...before I form superstar I won't pretend I didn't say a prayer or two to God to get me out of the mess while I awaited the arrival of my boss. 

Then again, special thanks to my boss who actually left the office to come rescue me even when I was on leave and out of office. Shows how amazing a boss I have. Not many bosses would do that, I would know 'cus I have worked under others before in the same organization.

Not everyone has pleasant story to say about the infamous 'Oshiomole police' men and not a few have parted with their hard earned money even when they were innocent. So I'm thankful that wasn't my lot.

Moral of the story: if you don't have connection in Nigeria, 'O.Y.O' is your case.

BEAUTY FROM PAIN by SUPERCHICK

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see (to what I can't see)
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

ARE WE REALLY LIVING?

Some months ago, Einstein and I were having a conversation about how we don't really wanna work, just live the life and be at peace.  

Then I said let the word even come to an end quickly so someone can rest from the crazy hustling of life. Einstein responded, saying 'for that one, na only you waka come'

*sigh...after seeing someone who shared same sentiments with me I was so happy, only for him to play me like that and leave me hanging. Guess I pushed my luck too far eh? Lol

Anyway, how do I feel/see life? I believe the original plan God had for us was to be born and just enjoy the peace and beautiful things life has to offer. The ideal life condition was the kinda life Adam and Eve lived in the garden of Eden before they fell. 

I was chatting with my colleague Bright, he said he was tired of the hustle and stress that comes with the job. If only he had the courage to resign and just live peacefully even if it's teaching he'd be doing and just be happy and fulfilled. 

The word 'courage' struck me. That's exactly what most of us lack and the fear of the unknown too. We are living a life we are not happy living. We have an idea of what we want for ourselves, but the lack of courage to launch out and truly be happy living as we so desire isn't there. Where we are now my not be rosy, but we say at least I have food, the blood sucking job can pay the bills, let me just suck it up and be contended.

Let me at this junction make it known that I don't have it all figured out or have the courage either to start living the life I desire. Or maybe I do, I am just not yet equipped with the resources I need. Anyway, truly life is short. We are supposed to just be at peace, appreciating the simple things of life but no, we all have eyes wey dey shook. 

Even when we have a billion dollars we would still long for more money. Instead of us to stay and just enjoy life after reaching a milestone, we lose the point and still continue hustling for more, never really enjoying life. 

That false sense of needing so much money to have security, you keep working your butt off even sacrificing your health and happiness trying to feel safe and made. But deep down all you feel is misery and incompleteness, dead dreams and emptiness. Money is good, but it isn't everything.

After suffering and working their asses out for years, people luckily get to retire, but then it amazes me how they don't rest. They keep hustling after retirement still looking for more money, maybe they didn't save while working or maybe I really wouldn't know why till I get to that stage in life myself.

I just wanna earn up to a certain amount, invest in bonds or treasury bills and keep rolling over while using the interest to maintain myself and family. No working and hustling that I'd miss out on life or sacrifice my peace of mind and sleep. A boy can dream right?

To avoid being idle maybe I'd start up a small farm or business, not necessarily to make all the money in the world but to keep me from being idle because we all know an idle hand must always be given work to do by the devil.

Or maybe be a hippie, travel the world in groupies and just live life...hahaha...I think I'd go with the more sane former plan.

But seriously, when do we really live? 'Cus life's cycle is fast turning into be born, go to school, graduate, get a job, marry and give birth to kids...work even more and then die.

Someone once tweeted this - "Blessed is he who is unambitious. He shall have joy like a flowing river. If you really want to be happy in this life, kill ambition...it's the only way." In a twisted way, there's actually lot of sense in it.

But I love to say blessed are those who live their dreams, and those whose talents are the source of their livelihood. I mean they are having fun making money. Just think about that! They are really blessed!. 

I just want a simple happy life...void of hustling and shii...just be at peace and avoid greed or the want to have all the millions in world and even after having it I won't have the sense to chill and enjoy life peacefully but yet I'd keep working and hustling to make more millions. Then drop dead one day and sadly that's when I'd realize life has passed me by.

Feel like I should just take 6 months or 1 year off, and just do all the things I have always wanted to do...maybe finally complete the four novels I have abandoned, see places I have interest in, read books I have piled, just live and experience life... Just one year for me, on my terms but that lingering fear of the unknown...*sigh. Life shouldn't be this difficult. I need clarity, I need fulfillment. I need to stop trying to figure my life out but just get courage and a lil faith and just do, go with it and live and be happy.

That moment of truth you realize this is not the life you envisaged for yourself and you have been blinded by the ideas society expects from you...but deep down you know you are on the wrong track and you forgot this is your life and you may have been pleasing society but truth is all this while you have been sad and miserable...the courage to follow our hearts and be happy because in truth this life is short and we get to live it just once, so I ask are you happy with yourself?

Death is just a breath away...breathe carefully

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

LOVING CAN HURT...

They say in every relationship, one person always loves more...

Kinda sucks when you realize you are that person, right? You feel dumb when you realize the other isn't really as into the whole ish as you are.

We all know most times the beginning of relationships are always sweet. The constant thinking of each other, frequent communication and meetings. Everything is so beautiful you lose track and one day you realize the intensity has slowed and you've moved from that initial intense feeling to just loving or if you are unlucky, numb feeling (that's when you know you guys have run your course).

Anyway, when we all start up with that intense communication ish and all, we know deep down in our subconscious it's not going to be so forever, soon reality would set in and your individual lives and timing would begin to slow things down. But we ignore that thought and just enjoy the feeling.

It's kinda rough when it seems the intensity wouldn't last say two weeks unlike previous ones you've had. Worse if this is the one you really are into.

Say, first time you'd be spending a weekend apart. Maybe your boo travels, you communicate via chats but nothing compares to being with him/her physically. You can't wait for him/her to get back. They finally come and then they say they won't be able to see you that day even when they returned early.

That moment, you see the cracks. Has it already begun? Is this the beginning of the end? Did you miss a sign or something? Well, you can't express your disappointment, we all know insecurity isn't attractive. So you just reply with 'ok' and then begin to review things. Seeds of doubts have been sown.

Have you moved too fast? Let yourself fall freely without caution? How come you are the only one eager to see after the time apart? All signs point to the fact that you are the one who cares more and from your experience that's a sorry position to be in.

You know it's time to take a step back, withdraw a bit and don't wear your heart on your sleeves. You have to protect yourself, your pride...your heart. You are going to psyche yourself into not being clingy or desiring their company so much. The love is there alright, but you ain't allowed to feel all that especially now you know the other hasn't gotten to desire you at same level of affection.

Yea, they said they missed you too over the weekend, but common let's be real, actions speak louder than words. You rememebr all the times you were deeply attracted to someone and how you did mumu things just to be with them when they wanted to see you. You walked miles, spent your last cash, sneaked out of the house, stayed out late and all the sorts, all that mattered was your heart was happy. Now you wonder why this person wouldn't do same for you when you yourself, you are ready to make similar sacrifices to be with them after the days apart.

Apparently someone  has got their mumu button, sadly it's not you!

Time to make yourself wanted, time for them to prove they really want you. To chase after you and show they are into this for real. You'd just lay low and well, if they never contact you again, you'd think of them fondly as assholes. Okay, I stole that line from sex and the city. Hehehe...

Anyway, while you lay low and try not to seem all too interested anymore just to see if they truly want you, you might just be slowly getting over all your feelings for them. The trick is, when we give little space or chances like this, things start going south without our knowing. When you lose focus on the person, that when your eyes get open to see others you didn't really notice and maybe you just might send wrong signals to the other person and they too would think you are no longer interested for real.

Thats how you'll succeeded in successfully ruining what you had unconsciously, but then your pride's been saved I guess, no?

Me I don't know anymore, this thing called love is rather too complicated for my liking.

"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

 But its the only thing that I know

 When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

 It is the only thing that makes us feel alive"

- Photograph by Ed Sheeran

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid