The Sunday school teacher threw an open question to the class; ‘as youths how can we separate ourselves from the ways of the world so our faith can continue to increase?’ Without thinking, these answers fell from my mouth- ‘we should watch what we feed our mind, be careful of our conversations and choose our friends wisely’.
She nodded in agreement. I couldn’t have answered anymore correctly. ‘Princely has mentioned a lot of good points, now I will treat each one after the other’
I fell quiet. Sadden and broken.
Reason? Everything I said, I strongly believed and knew it to be the truth but sincerely as the words came out, I realized a bitter truth. I was guilty of not obeying them. Did you just say hypocrite?
Throughout the remaining part of the Sunday school I was quiet and heartbroken. My mind traveled through my life and all the mistakes I have made. Funny, I had the power to change things but I was just too lazy or too caught up in planning ahead forgetting about how I should live the present moment blamelessly. Indeed I was ensnared by my very own words. My answer rose up in judgment against me.
I was guilty.
I remember two weeks Saturday ago, how I bookmarked a page which streamed a particular soap opera. My better judgment was I shouldn’t even be watching it but no, I chose to even save it so I could go through it later.
I know I can be very emotional and easily influenced by depressing rock songs. Many times friends have told me to do away with such songs but I just keep listening to them, feeding my mind with crap that takes me down the valley of depression. This and many other things I do to fuel my weaknesses, of which I pray each day to God that I find His strength to overcome. But still I go back to fuel these by what I feed my eyes and ears. Truth be told all we see and listen to have a great impact in shaping our mind and how it works. There is no two way to it.
Am not all that a failure as such. I remember doing away with romance novels because they just helped to build a twisted idea of what true love is and the whole romance thingy that I began wanting a little too more than what obtains in reality, even beginning to think I could create my own fairy tale. It was easy doing away with such books because I replaced them with vampire novels and suspense novels which I have come to love.
I got lucky with that but today in church I realized I have replaced those romance novels with celebrity gossip sites, high school movies and comedy romance novels. Thought the effect on me isn’t that much but I know there is indeed a negative effect as I see myself longing for the things of this world especially all the wealth and glamour I see exhibited by these celebrities or the clothing, diamonds and blinks in these movie. Disobeying God’s very world that we shouldn’t envy the unbelievers or love the things of the world for theses are all of the flesh and the spirit of God in us wars against our flesh.
1st John 2:15-17 says “love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof, but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever”
Talking about my friends or type of conversations, here I am really in a fix because it’s bad enough that people misunderstand my shyness for me being a snob. How really can one choose his friends without people judging you as proud, uptight or a snob?
I know I have to change a lot about me to live right but how easy would it be controlling my conversation when I live in a house where the word ‘strafe’ is heard countless times every day, save the weekends when the third roomie is not around. It’s easy to walk away from them when we are going to work or walking back home. I just fix my ear piece and play my music loudly to drown their voices or I simply walk slower or faster times when my battery is down but then I really can’t seem to have my way when we live in small self contain.
At work it’s so easy getting away when my colleagues want to start discussing crap. So easy to walk away, after all they had long branded me snob without even trying to understand that it takes some people much longer time to warm up and get used to new people than others.
Then again I am not all that guilt free because there are certain crazy behaviours we do at home for fun jokingly which I know full well I started and well, they picked it up. How do I change now? It would have been so easy to change if they hadn’t picked it up or liked it. It’s so easy for us as humans to learn and pick up bad traits from friends, or join filthy conversations. Damn!
At the end of the day you are left regretting that you participated, saying you would change but then you realize it’s beginning to seem like a pattern. You join in the talk, you regret it then say there would be no next time but sooner than you know it you are doing it again…
I know I have to change for real but here’s my dilemma, I easily get disappointed and now I am kind of scared that I would fail in my quest to change. This would not be the umpteenth time I would be deciding to separate myself from my roommates and their ways.
Yes to an extent I have succeeded but it’s just not enough or encouraging. I hate failing and I am scared that if I choose to go the mile again and be different, I would soon lose sight and fall right back to the wrong track. Next I would be making this decision again. Then I begin to question if truly I would ever over come or do I just walk in circles?
My reality is I must change because I am a Christian and I choose to live as one. In fact it’s a must. I know I have to do something about the songs especially, either I build such strong resistance or I do away with them totally. Then again, in a way they help in preserving my emotions because I know how cold and selfish I can be when I am all so strong emotionally that I get so scared of my very self. Yes I can be a devil at times. So I like my emotions because they make me feel human.
Do I wait for the remaining three months we have left in the NYSC scheme to phase out? Soon we would no more be roommates…what if Christ comes or I die? Can I afford to die in sin? And by the way I have prayed about this roommate issue just in case the thought crossed your mind.
Someday, somehow I know I am going to figure it out with God’s help but one thing I know I don’t want to ever be is a hypocrite. So I guess I have to be tough and make a stand, pick a team and commit, fight for that team.
I would have to try a week without my music and see how things turn out. Also I would have decided to do my best to stop worrying about the fear of failing and concentrate on living right each day, praying for grace to live each day one at a time, that way I think it would be much easier to focus and live right. God help me through…
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