Is it possible to get so used to people leaving that you don't feel hurt the next time someone walks out of your life? Is it that one becomes so used to the idea people always leave that somehow you programme your mind in anticipation of the day they leave?
Does that mean that you really don't open up your heart fully anymore? If that's the case, can I then say you probably could have been the reason this last person left because you really didn't give your all. So in away you just might have screwed things up with that nothing to gain, nothing to lose attitude. We as humans have the tendency to be selfish and it's only natural that we'd want to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, so we try not to open up and commit fully just incase things don't work out well.
Someone once said "how do we expect our relationships to work out fine when we are already anticipating its end?" Seriously, who wamts to commit to something that he thinks doen't have a future? Really how do we expect a marriage to work if even before saying 'I do' we are already making plans for how the divorce settlement would be?
Seriously, I am in a fix here because I feel strange. Maybe I am in a different place in my life presently. Lately I have been pushing people away on purpose, there is a reason but then there was this special somone with whom I had this real connection and never thought I would push away. Yes, there was drama but we worked it through and hardly a day went by without us having this great conversation on blackberry messenger. Then came a time x threatened to walk.
Boy! I was shattered.
It was real scarry because all I could think of was the hurt and pain I was going to go through all over again. I have been there a lot of times and I just never learn my lesson. What can I say? I am a hopless romantic/i love having that special friend that I can share my day with. Well, back to the main ish, so I begged and we were back again. That was the point I realised x had power over me.
I remembered back then during my field practical training years when I was having issues with a close pal, a good friend gave me an advice "don't make your happiness dependent on another person or you would just end up being miserable"...I forgot this advice and I got burnt again. After that day, my subconscious began working and truth is the friendship was never the same again. Our conversation gradually began to slow down. I knew something was up.
I guess I was preparing myself. I took two days of me time. I was off blackberry messenger and I survived without communicating with x for those two days. To cut the long story short, we are done and x said goodbye by deleting me from blackberry messenger.
I thought it would be painful but nope, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Truth is I love x a lot but right now I feel nothing. Yes I miss our conversations but I am not hurt. It's either I am now used to people leaving, which would be a terrible thing as with time I would get to a point where I would place little or no value on relationships and most likely end up taking people not so seriously, especially when the feeling that I wouldn't hurt when they leave takes root in me or it's either I am in denial phase and would break soonest or I am just grown up and taking this whole situation more maturely. But then, is having zero emotions a sign of maturity? I don't want to be a cold hearted asshole...
Truth is I don't feel normal that I am not hurting, I want to hurt. I want to grieve and deal with the loss of a good friend but I don't feel a thing. It's scary I must confess. Crazy thing is I feel so energized, with various inspirations for notes just coming to mind but I can't write all because of sensitivity reasons and out of respect for x.
I just hope I am not turning into Adele or Taylor Swift or Kate Hudson's character in how to lose a guy in ten days!!! *cring*
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