MAYBE I'M TO BLAME...

Nothing's gonna change the fact we had good times. Such a shame life gets complicated and little beautiful things get ruined. Most times I try to not think of it or understand why things are the way they are now. It's not important and it's really not my business what people decide to do with themselves, but then it's rather annoying when you try to push forward but still one incident or the other keeps taking you back to the past.

There was deceit, cheating, betrayal, rebellion, hurt, pain and a love triangle.
To get where I'm coming from maybe you should read my old post - The day I felt like Jolene in Dolly Parton's song (My hypocrisy).

Years went by. We all went our different ways. But we've been communicating via social media, been part of each others lives and trying to sort our individual career goals out.

I personally didn't have time for any emotional baggage, I needed to keep my head clear and get my goals straight. I knew they were still off and on doing their normal ish. Just kept being amazed where they got the energy to do their off and on. Seriously I think it's just plain insane and energy sapping walking in circles. I mean you know the drill and how it all ends. If truly marriage happens, would it be any different? Would there be stability? What of the impact on the kids?

Anyway, August 2012...I remember they were having their drama again. She and I were both in the interview stages of a company's recruitment. I remember she didn't come straight at first about being in Lagos for it as she hadn't made her mind up. I hung out with him few days later and felt since they were together again, she must have told him she was around (thought she's changed by then and learnt from mistakes of the past). But alas! He wasn't aware. I just got really weak and didn't understand how they enjoyed all the instability, deceit and dysfunction. I didn't want a part of it (a second time around).

A week later I got dropped and was in deep pain. Told her, she said sorry, but then asked I helped her lie that we didn't see that day cause someone was going to ask me if we saw that day. Seriously?? I was there dealing with a big disappointment and all she cared about was her games?? I just said ok and shut myself out. I couldn't deal with her stunt or their drama.

I let it pass. We stood by each other through our disappointments and pain as the months went by. He didn't taste any of it, career wise the heavens smiled at him. We were all good. Soon enough things got better for me. I pulled myself away form everyone, not just them (one big mistake I still suffer the aftermath of). I told myself I needed to focus on my training and come out successfully before I'd tell anyone. I was thinking along the lines of what Papa Adeboye said - 'don't share the testimony till it is complete'.

We were all still good, chatted once a while, trying to keep in touch. I didn't really care what was going on between them. Once in a while people dropped info about them. It was obvious nothing was different. I just was puzzled at how they had energy for all the off and on. (Not my business). I had my friends, that's what mattered. I just tried to separate them to avoid any weird triangle again.

Then december 2013, I made a big mistake. I arranged for three of us to hang out. Unknown to me I didn't know they were involved again. Plans all fine and awaiting the D-day. Then he pinged cancelling saying something came up. Normal him would have told me what came up. I didn't want to dig or ask questions. I let it slide. I told her he had cancelled, and thought we could still going to hang out but she too cancelled. (I can be innocently naïve and clueless at times). That's when I got suspicious. I let it slide.

Early this year I got to know from old classmates that they were back on again. Then my mind went back to december. My theory which, I honestly don't know if is true or just my imagination is that after all the betrayal and lies that went down while we were in school I'd say he became insecure and didn't trust her much and probably re-thought the whole three of us hanging out stuff, after all that's how the love triangle did start then in university. Three of us being all pals and good friends was a major threat. Can I blame him? I knew the hurt he did go through and that long mail she sent saying she was sorry she fell in love with his friend.

It's amazing how forgiveness works. I still can't believe he forgave us or that he and I still remained close friends after that war. Anyway that was all cool. I was a no go area, that was understandable and fine. He obviously couldn't say it to me but I had the sense to keep off. Mistake I made was I should have kept off completely. But then, I keep asking myself why someone would choose to live in insecurity, why be with someone you can't trust so much? Fine, once beaten, twice shy but is it really worth it? Yea, I know not my business.

Well, what pained me was the shii that happened recently. He updated stuff congratulating her. I asked if it was the stuff she was working on that finally came through and he acted all naïve. I asked her, she said she didn't know what his update was like. I felt oh, cool...she wants to keep it between them. No qualms.

But then old classmates started dropping hints and one even said he told him. The other said she told him. It wasn't a secret, I was just the outlaw that shouldn't be told.

And then I felt this way -
"But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough...." (Somebody that I used to know) - Gotye

Knowing him all these years, I know what he can say and do and the conditions he can give. I get the drill now, I'm sort of a threat to their relationship. She's been made to say goodbye to the boy. A lot of things did go down back then in the university. I still remember words that were said. I remember he told me he hates certain songs now because it reminds him of me and her then.

Those songs that have memories tied to them. Any time you hear the songs certain people come to mind. Songs tied with memories. I'm here laying in the dark, playing my old slow rock collection...listening to every word and string...each note takes me back in time, beautiful times and moments but then it hits me...I made those memories with the wrong person and that blows...

I thought to myself, some people live for drama. Some people enjoy stable relationships, others see it as dull and boring. We are all different. I remember how after discovering other lies back then, he and I went for our final year dinner together (laughs). We sat at the table behind her. She sat at the table in front. We had settled and we were all in speaking terms, he and I close while she was being 'watched'.

I remember how we both showed each other the long mail she sent to us that morning before the dinner. I remember the contents and I know how much he must have been hurt by them. That's all in the past now tho. I already knew she and I could only be good friends and that's it. I even asked him how come he still kept going back to him. His reply...that's confidential.

Anyway I got the message and I decided it was time I let them be. Whatever they decide to do I wish them well. Stability is what I crave these days. No energy for drama. So let them be happy. I refuse to pose any form of threat to anyone's relationship. So I've let them go. He's my friend and I love him truly and he'll always mean a lot to me. Right from my first year, he has always been there for me. He deserves happiness and if this is the way I can give him that I'd gladly do it.

She'll always be my good friend, but one thing...I wish from the very start she never lied. Maybe those memories wouldn't have been made. Well, I still love the songs and I'll just have to create new memories with someone else to wipe out the ones tied to the songs. Gonna be hard to wipe memories tied with a certain song she called a radio station to request specially for me. Or the one I played for her over the phone when she was ill. Good good memories....*sigh

I was clearing out my cupboard recently and stumbled on the dvd compilations of rock songs and some rock music videos she gave me then in the university. I just smiled. Reminded me of those high school movies where peeps make music mix tapes or compilation of songs for their crush.

This is my version of events not conspiracy theory and all (most) of how I feel. They probably see things from their own angle.

"It takes two, two sides to every story, not just me.
I can't keep ignoring
I admit half of it, I'm not that innocent" -(It takes two) - Katy Perry

The sky's blue that's not my business. All that matters is I am out of their hair and I'm at peace and hopefully they would be too.