REFLECTIONS ON 2015...DECISIONS FOR 2016 and other random stuff...

I recently received a text message from a colleague I once thought we'd be very good friends. We all have flaws and friendship is all about accepting each other’s flaws but then, don’t mistake people’s shitty ways they are obviously making no effort in changing for flaws.

Old annoying shit just kept repeating itself. After his last episode in December, I told myself it ends in 2015. I saw the message, it was about us drifting apart and how he was missing our paddy goons ways. I smiled. The drift was actually me, all on purpose.

Someone posted this online - 2015 taught me we outgrow friends and that's okay.

I did some thinking through 2015. Initially when I got transferred to Benin, most of my colleagues here were married. Basically it was just me to chill with myself on weekends. Early 2015 new guys were employed, single young dudes.

I thought, maybe now I’ll have a social life. I hung out with them several times at bars, lounges and clubs (even though I said I'd never follow them again as bars and clubs were not my scene). But then, it was as if I was always hoping the next visit would be better. I was expecting something that never came. Each hang out just seemed full of idleness and left me feeling shallow and empty. Wasted nights I could have spent having a nice sleep. I mean, there's nothing like too much sleep.

Each week you'd see them with different girls, jumping clubs by 1am, 2am...what kinda lifestyle is that? I'd just stay watching them, wondering what fun they were possibly getting. I'd try to reason with them once in a while but obviously it's who they have been since their university days.

The last incident was when some girls used one of the guys as 'cab driver'. Dude went to pick the chick and her friends from her house, drove them to a lounge where one of the girls was having a birthday hangout. The girls were just having random conversations ignoring him (not me! cuts I first nor get their time) and of 'cus there'd always be a Beyonce amongst them who was the ring leader.

We got there and they so distracted him, he actually left his car on with the keys in the ignition. After a while the security came to alert him. That’s how they would have stolen his brand new car all just because he wanted to score. From there he drove us to a club where they did some drinking and dancing. I just sat at one corner observing. Before I knew what was up, I was asleep. My colleague came to wake me, I was like dude take me home o. The girls eventually dumped him for other guys they met at the club. For the next two weeks I kept calling him cab man.

That's one thing that's sure going to die with 2015 - Idle hangouts with no meaningful conversations.

I posted this on IG, (well that was before I deactivated my account. The app drinks data like cray, got me subscribing for data three times a month) - To do the things I love; listen to music, write, read novels, watch movies, eat junk and cuddle... to enjoy life without too much effort.

Basically that’s me, well you can add to have meaningful deep conversations probably best when it's one on one and I cherish my quiet company.

Thinking back, I realize that what made me hangout with those guys was mostly due to pressure from people at work who kept teasing me that I didn't have a social life. I'm not the type to be affected by such pressure, really wonder why I gave in. *sigh

This post I saw on twitter helped me get back to me -

Be an individual and stop seeking validation from others that don't even know themselves.

The hard truth is; people are shit. I have never really been a people person. Honestly, I don't like humans. We know how to give advice and tell people how well their lives should be lived but we are so clueless about ours. In truth, most of the people who give advice most times are envious of the freedom other people have to live as they choose. Their advice isn't 'cus they genuinely care. They just want to infect others with their negative energy.

I'm not advocating that those engaged in self destructing habits shouldn't be cautioned. People just tend to not know how to mind their business. Be who you are and the world would adjust. You owe no one explanation for how you live your life or the choices you make neither do you need their approval (well, as far as your choices are not hurting anyone or making life horrible for others).

Watching suits makes my heart bleed. The way Lewis Litt keeps living his life seeking for Jessica and Harvey's approval....so pathetic. Sad thing is that's actually how lots of people live their lives. Just sad.

This 2016, I think I’ll go back to 2014, when I didn't make effort in keeping in touch or fighting for any friendship. But this time I won't go all the way. Keeping in touch hasn't really been my strong suit but I'd try to keep in touch with a few friends that have been constant. For the others, who wants to stay would and well, those who fall off...never mind.

Fewer people around, less bullshit to deal with.

Better to be alone than be around people who don't get you and don't try to understand you either but make your life miserable with their several unsolicited advice on how you should live your life while trying to turn you into their own perfect idea. Crazy thing is, it's the same persons that will preach be yourself but when you try to actually do you, they'll judge you from UNIBEN main gate to Capitol!.

Something happened recently, my paddy did something that made me question his loyalty and I really didn't feel safe having him on my blackberry messenger (bbm) anymore. Bbm to me is an extension of myself. A safe haven where I lose control and just let out my crazy. So I really screen the people I have there. Just a select few who know the real me and won't have weird opinions or come preaching or trying to fix me because they get I'm just letting out stuff.

I removed him since I couldn't trust him anymore. I called the next day to explain why I did what I did, though the previous day when he did what he did I told him via chat I am now questioning his intentions. During the course of the phone call, he said he had updated I deleted him and that I had lots of enemies and they all were saying crap...well to be honest these are people who were more or less monitoring spirits on my bbm, spying on updates so they can go about making idle rumours et all. Same people that made me delete my bbm after making my bbm feel like a crowded house.

Then on Sunday 17, I came across Michael Ogah's Facebook post where he expressed just how I felt. I took away these four points (I wish those people would read this and just get me once and for all) -

- The older I get, the smaller my circle becomes, and it's best; because I've got dreams to pursue, and so have you; so let's not waste each other's time-- the lesser the distraction, the better for the both of us.

- If you can't understand, by now, the kind of person I am, having known me for more than a year: how I may not call you for months, or years; but doesn't mean I deleted your number or started holding a grudge-- there were just many things happening in my life at the time, but never once did I forget you, I just had to deal with these things

- I get it, friends make the world go round, and loneliness can be a disease, but some of us are better without it. Some of us ACTUALLY enjoy our own company and misery

- As for those friends who still hold on to hurt, I never left, I'm still here, waiting for the day you realize I never left, I was just too busy being happy without your negative energy

Valentine used to be so hard on me, like he was trying to make me conform into a socially acceptable human. He meant good and I knew it. I never really held it against him, though sometimes it was quite tiring. I just wished he’d get me. I know I’m weird and all that, but I feel perfectly okay. This is me, accept me for me or well, you could find your way and leave me in peace and not in pieces.

Recently, I sent him this excerpt from one of my previous blog posts -

"I'm complicated and I have different sides depending on my mood. The thing about us humans is we have this natural instinct to judge people forgetting our own sins and flaws. I'm paranoid and insecure. I hate the feeling like people are watching me. Sometimes I just start accepting request then maybe it gets to 40 contacts, I start feeling suffocated, like my life is crowded.

One thing I learnt from my University days is people are a big problem in life with their numerous opinions about how well you should live your live. It's best you just have a few around you. The less persons around you, the less bullshit you have to deal with. Trust me on that."

That was a turning point in our friendship of our over 8years. After reading he replied with - I'm sorry I've contributed several times to your 'suffocation' with my opinions about how you should live your life. I promise to try to be more understanding/accommodating in the future.

This 2016 I hope to have just those who get me, those who matter and those I truly care about close to me. There’s room for meeting new people but I’m not so keen on it. Then there are penpals I’d like to finally meet in person, someone like Asiwa whom I have known for years but haven't met yet. I missed the opportunity of finally meeting when I was on vacation last year. 

That's one cool person who got me back then when I was going through some dark shit and posting suicidal updates on facebook. He was one person who knew where I was coming from, he knew I wasn't going to do it but I just needed to channel all the pain into dark posts for release. It felt good knowing at least one person got me out of all the seas of many admonitions I got from friends, all trying to provide advice I sincerely didn't need, neither did it help me get any better.

Out of the blues someone sent me a message about my dark posts and that's how we got chatting and it was of great help just having someone I could relate with.

One day, mid-December, I was listening to One Republic's burning bridges and the Lyrics got to me. I get its okay to burn bridges with some people but I realized trying to do so with certain persons would just be us putting ourselves through torture. I'm all for not speaking with a cheating ex but then I think after a while, after healing has taking place and all...when everyone has moved on and learnt their lessons there's still room for friendship.

I thought to myself it had been a year since the hurtful break up, I was hurt yea, but I had moved on and was missing my friend. I reasoned, I was in constant communication with other exes from way back, why is this one different? Why was I putting myself through torture? Maybe it was 'cus it was the most recent but being true to myself, I was suffering more trying to burn the bridge. I had to reach out, only then did I find peace and the friendship is back to normal …well after the initial weirdness of course.

I'm still surrounded by married women at work eh! Even the new staff in wapic is married. That's how I was telling Iyen that the babes set well, only for Iyen to inform that the lady is married. I was like huh? Married ke? Iyen said when next she passes I should take note of her ring finger. *sigh.

Same thing that happened last two years, happened again. Wedding band I never saw appeared by force! Now the first place I look at when I meet a lady for the first time is her wedding finger, enough of all this wasted admiration.

That’s how I used this really cute picture of my colleague and I as whatsapp profile picture. People were admiring and commenting on the picture. She fell ill three Fridays ago and we had to rush her to the hospital. In the process I had to save her hubby's phone number and he got my number also since we were communicating. I jeje quickly removed the picture o, before her hubby saw it. Nor be me wan scatter person marriage ni.

For now (maybe later in the year it would change), I’m not looking for love or a relationship. I just need good company; someone with whom I can get different types of cake from cake lounge, drive to a field and just sample songs, have great conversations about music and life in general, have a deep connection and well, basically just have a nice time bonding.

Cheers to 2016! Here’s wishing all my readers a blissful year ahead…