'OF KARMA, INFIDELITY AND OTHER RELATED MATTERS...

I'm just going to post it. No need for long story. I have been paid back in my own coins. I got cheated on by someone I love dearly, and guess what? I was cheated by my boo with a friend of mine! Yep...same love triangle story, only this time I am the one who got cheated on.

It stings and it hurts. Now I can imagine what I put my friend through. When you get cheated on, what are you supposed to feel? Hurt? Betrayal? Disappointment? Hate? Anger? Or all of them mixed together, wrapped up in you and just wanting to explode?

In this sort of situation where the other guy is your friend, double all those terrible feelings. I guess fate has paid me back. But it sucks. 

Shit happens but one thing I know is unlike the friend I wronged in the past, I don't know how to go back to a cheating ex. Forgiveness can come after all the emotions and anger has been dealt with but trust can never be there again. Never ever and when there's no trust in a relationship you have nothing.

People are different. People forgive and stay with their cheating partners and work things out but I am naturally paranoid and when I have a reason not to trust someone, that's it. There's no fixing it or repairing anything. I can work through many flaws in a relationship, but cheating? That's a whole new craze on its own. 

I used to think people that cheat are just lacking self-control and discipline. But there's more. Love is not enough to stop one from cheating, neither is having self-control. Its normal to feel attracted to someone else even when you truly love another and you two are in a serious relationship. Self-control and discipline makes you look away and not act on the attraction but when it's someone that's close and always around, love and self control isn't enough. Then you'd have to run from temptation and avoid it at all cost. 

I recently asked a colleague why he didn't come for the office' end of year party, he said his wife didn't want to come hence he stayed at home. I was like, so because your wife didn't want to come you then decided not to come? Couldn't you come alone? His reply made me respect him on a whole new level. He said he decided not to come to avoid anything that"ll lead to infidelity. 

Being my usual self, I had to tackle him more but his reply made me respect him even more. He said "man know thy self! I know my weaknesses, if I cheat now, it's you that will be the first to accuse me and paint me bad". (He was right about me there). 

You have to choose between your relationship and the attraction. If you choose your relationship, for the sake of protecting what you have, you avoid and cut ties with the one you feel just a physical attraction to (hard but beneficial). 

Avoid those lone visits to their houses because the flesh is weak and don't tempt yourself. No matter how disciplined or in love you are with your partner, one day you'd be vulnerable and fall. You might lose that relationship for just a fling that'll not last. Sad thing about such is, once you have satisfied the attraction, it's over but then you'll lose your relationship if you get caught (and you will get caught someday.)

Love is easy really. It's just us greedy humans who complicate things. You choose to be with someone yet, you can't overcome your flesh and avoid all forms of temptations. How greedy can we be? What really do we want?

I feel bad becuase I saw all these coming but I let my heart lead the way even when my head told me what's up. The truth is, if they cheat with you, they'll definitely cheat on you. The signs are always there but we just ignore them and say they would change, but we know better, we just ignore the warning signs.

What's the idea about meeting people? So you fall in love and settle with the right one right? Build something good with them over time abi?

You'd expect that when two people decide to date they would focus on building what they have. But not in the social media age we are in. Some people (both girls and boys) are just addicted to social media or they are just plain insensitive or indisicplined I guess. Time they should invest in building their relationship they would use it to be having meaningless chats on various social apps, setting themselves up for avoidable temptations and then come back and say I am sorry, expecting everything to be automatically fixed. 

I blame myself for everything. I mean, from the word go I didn't really have so much trust, started on a complicated note. Plus this was someone who admitted to cheating all previous exes, what made me think mine would be different? Smh...but it's all cool sha. Once in a while we all get to be fools in love. The bad thing about all this is I am most likely going back if not deeper into my phobia for relationships. I broke my rule, put myself out there and now the very reasons why I never bother with them and the stress and drama that comes with relationships have been revalidated. I am done.

Saw this on twitter lately - "@lnsaneTweets: I sleep so peacefully at night, knowing that I am single and that there's no one out there cheating on me"

This age we are in, trust seems like a myth. Its going to be a miracle for me to open up or let anyone in again. It's not worth it. Though I really do miss my ex but I have to be brave and know exactly what's good for me. I can't allow loneliness or nostalgia over good memories of moments we shared make me go back to a toxic relationship. 

People do that, go back because of loneliness but it is never really the same, the happiness is gone. All you see are the cracks and with time you guys just fall apart finally. It can't be forced, once it's broken, it is broken. "You can't play on broken strings" - (Broken Strings - James Morrison ft Nelly Furtado). 

So I am going to skip that part, just take my time and process this on my own time. No rush to heal, that's for time to take care of. Just do me and enjoy my own company till maybe someone true comes along and hopefully I get over this scar and open up again to let someone in and most importantly get over my paranoia. 

Truth is, in the begining of relationships we see certain signs. We know we should back out then, when we are not yet so deep in it. But we stay and refuse to go, telling ourselves they will change or we will work it out. But truth is, hardly do those things ever change because it's who they are, who they have always been even before we met them. So chances are they wouldn't change. Either we ignore and just bear/tolerate or we leave for our sanity's sake.

One thing is for sure, never again shall I ignore the early warning signs (I sincerely hope for my own good).

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

TWO TIMES THE DOUCHE?

Dear Blog,

Why are my things always complicated? Why is it that the times I have felt so in love and really wanted to give a relationship a try (even though its not normally my thing), my crush all had to be in a relationship, but yet it's me they wanted to be with? Or distance was there to ruin it.

The sad part about the last two times was, when they finally left their boo for me, my ship had sailed. I'd hate for that to happen again because I am really into this one and it feels all so good.

I have written about this my peculiar ish before (Complicated - (May 14, 2012)). I am finally beginning to believe I carry a curse of falling for those I can't have. I remember when I newly resumed in Benin, there was this cute, calm, soft spoken lady I met at a sister branch. She was everything. We made small talk whenever I went to her branch. 

Some months ago, I was at her branch with my colleague. She was in the opposite office, but I could see her working on her desk through the glass wall. I asked my colleague about her. I always thought she was my age mate or there about and same level with me. But I got the shocker of my life!

She was two levels above me, not just that, she was also Married!!! And guess the finishing blow? She has three kids!!!!! O_O

My colleague read me and laughed so hard when she realized I had been crushing on the lady. I swear, I had to admit it. The funny thing is, all this time the wedding band I could clearly see on her finger that moment, I had never seen it before. Choi!

Back to my present situation, i feel guilty that I am trying to steal someone else's boo (not really tho)...again! I don't want to be the guy who does that but in my defense, I would have walked away but they were already having problems and were going to break up even before I entered the picture. Honest truth, well...that kept my conscience clean till Ibukun asked me when are they breaking up.

That question put me to shame. I used to insult and laugh at the 'foolishness' of TV characters that keep being the other guy/woman, pathetically waiting for the one they are involved with to break up with their partners and be with them. I used to say how lonely/pathetic could they be? Well, you see...not until you are in a situation you'd never really know what's up.

  

I am in love. Yes, I am and it feels so good. I am in a happy place but I have to apply reason so if they don't break up by end of this week, I'd take what's left of my pride and walk way. I refuse to be the other guy or the pathetic dude who says he'll wait just to see if things don't work out between them.

Love in a twisted way makes one selfish. I remeber how I didn't feel any remorse when I stole my close friend's girl then. I just knew what I wanted and was out for it. Yea, I agree that you can't really snatch someone except the person decides to be snatched but that's to an extent. Without you being there, encouraging them, they just might put in more effort to work things out with their partners. But if after leaving they still break up, I think then its ok to step in.

That's how I used to insult Angelina Jolie and Alicia Keys for stealing other people's husbands but now...I apologize to them for being harsh. The heart you see, wants what it wants. Not that I am saying stealing other people's boo is right, it takes a lot of discipline and courage to actually break your own heart and walk away.

Recently I posted this on facebook - 'That lonely honourable road of walking away instead of stealing someone else' boo...' Truly it's one hell of a lonely road people rarely take.

After that previous experience, I told myself I would never help anyone cheat again or steal anyone's boo again, but I guess words are just words. No? 

No! I am bound by my words and my words are my credibility. This is hard! So I should walk away and be wishing people's relationship bad so I can be happy and have le bae running into my hands for shelter?

Even though I know he isn't treating her right, that's no excuse to step in as a knight in shinning armor as most people would say. Really though, I wonder how it is that someone isn't treating you right and yet you still stay? Maybe the fear of being alone holds them back, but in this situation where you have met someone you say you really like and want to be with? Hmm...guess I wouldn't know this till I get into this situation also (oghene reject!).

Writing this just brought clarity. I mean that last paragraph just gave me new insight into this all. If she can do this to someone else, what makes me think I won't suffer same fate in her hands? Also if someone really wants to be with me I don't know what would hold them back in the relationship they term bad for them. Am I missing something here?

Now I feel all strong and empowered, just like yesterdy till I was in presence of the one who currently holds my mumu button and that's how the integrity speech I had planned to give to end things and walk away all evaporated from my head. *sigh

I remember that dp I saw which said - 'you know that tingly feeling you feel when you are falling for someone? That's common sense leaving your body'. I swear! Story of my life right now!

It's been a while I have felt this way and even comtemplated going into a relationship. Meeting someone that makes me want to break my own rules, that's huge but its such a shame it's coming with complications. Well, I have made up my mind...by the end of this week, if they aren't broken up I'd join all ye saints who have taken that lone honourable road of walking away. I don't want to be a douche/hypocrite a second time.

So I told Ibukun about my decison and his first response was, 'the pushing people away spirit, I should have seen it coming'. Hmm...he's right maybe, I dunno...my head wants to do the right thing of walking away but somewhere deep down I know that pushing away spitrit has been at work, looking for one tiny detail to make me wanna sabotage us and push le boo away. But the end result is all that matters shey? I don't get to be an asshole or lover snatcher init? Ugh!

Still, these past few days have been really beautiful, meeting everyday and spending amazing time with each other. Found myself doing stuff I won't normally do...relationships definitely would change someone but I think once in a while its good to step back a bit and have a clearer picture of what's going on be sure you are not being a fool in love. 

And there I go again, instead of just living and be happy, going for what I want, going with the flow and just enjoying love, I am already talking of over thinking and shii...

I guess I really don't know a thing about love after all. *sigh

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

December 14, Happy birthday to me

First things first, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Ok. I don't really like birthdays that much. For one, the attention on you that day can be so overwhelming. I am very shy and I naturally hate phone calls. You should see me get so shy over the phone, I'd just be mumbling words like a teenager talking to le crush. That's why I hide my d.o.b on Facebook plus I really don't like my wall being defaced. But each year, no matter how I try to hide my birthday I always have good friends who call me out and post messages on my wall and on bbm too and it gets to me and warms me up and it's really nice having people, friends, wish you a happy birthday. Makes you feel loved and special and then those friends who call out of the blue and you are surprised they remembered your birthday, totally nice...don't mind my mushy ish, am a sucker for emotional stuff.

Then of course, there's the obvious fact that I am actually growing old and currently the big three zero is staring at me and it's some what freaky when I realize in a few years time I would actually be thirty years! I mean me? Ha!!

I remember those days when I was much younger, I used to see those people in their early twenties as really big uncles and aunties, talkless of those in their late twenties. Now I look at myself in the mirror and I am like, huh? Is this how those big uncles looked then or am I missing something? Funny, i guess kids now would be looking at me in that same eye and be like big uncle ish.

Anyway, currently playing Taylor Swift's 22...giving myself hope with the lyrics "I don't know about you...but I am feeling twenty two.." But honestly tho, I actually feel twenty two, actually I feel twenty. I feel young inwards and I dunno, just feeling really happy today and it's a good thing I guess, even though my car wanted to deal with me today. If not that I am so tired from battling with my tyre that got slashed I woulda been dancing carefreely to this 22 song.

Today was harvest thanksgiving in church. I sat and reflected on the past year to where I am now. I feel blessed and accomplished. I am really grateful to God Almighty for a wonderful and beautiful year. It's been God all the way. Even though I went through some difficult things this past year but right now, where I am today every issue has been resolved and I feel so light and for that I have every reason to be thankful. So I say thank you Lord for a beautiful year and I trust that He'll grant me an even much more beautiful new year and take me to the next phase of my life.

People wonder why I have the number '14' attached to the name of this blog, well this is the secret. 14 is my lucky number sort of. December 14 is my birthday. In the university my matriculation number was Agr0500014, then there are some other cool stuff that happened to me related to the number 14. So number 14 is pretty special to me, but mostly because it my birth date. That's why it's Iyosayi14.

When I was younger I had the feeling that it's a sin sort of to leave church service before closing plus those scary preaching I heard about people missing the angels who brought their blessing because they didn't stay till close of service. That's how I grew up with that belief and it sorta developed into this OCD if I should put it that way, that if I leave service before closing something bad will happen on the way. That's how my fear caught up with me today. As I earlier wrote, today was our church harvest thanksgiving and it's normal for service to close really late on thanksgiving day. 2pm and they hadn't even gone half way into the service.... jor o. I had stuff to do plus someone was offering to take me out for my birthday and then I had to meet up with a friend to discuss business too and I had to clean the car and press my clothes in preparation for monday. That's how I carried myself and left church and guess what? My tire was flat!

I tried to change it myself but the bolts were too tight. To cut the long story short I had to manage it, drove with my hazard lights on and very slowly to a vulcanizer's shop. At the end he had to cut one one of the tyre nuts before he could release the tyre. I was already feeling bad my tyre was damaged beyond fixing but I don't know how the dude did it, my tyre came back to life after say four hours. The shameful part? As they were still fixing my tyre, church closed and I could see my church members going home.

Anyway over the years I have learnt to take things in good faith and know that all things happen for a reason and everything that happens to me is because God permitted it to happen. Who knows if I had waited till closing that's when I would have had to fix the tyre, meaning i'd get home by 9pm that's if the vulcanizer hadn't closed by then or shii. Then again I took it as all part of growing up, I mean this is me dealing with stuff now. This dude is officially now closer to thirty than twenty..hehehe

Growing up and responsibilities tho...the shii we never thought would come with growing up, all we knew when we were kids was I wanna grow up and be independent of my parents authority...bla bla bla, if only we knew better.

But in all, it was a good day. I over fed, ate a full plate of fried rice and jollof rice, drank too (I am not an alcoholic) and I lost count of the pieces of chicken i got to eat today. Also had time to catch up with old pals and also felt so much love from my bbm pals and those who called, sent SMS and wrote on my Facebook wall. I hear I'd be getting a cake tomorrow at work and there would be a lil something something too...I hope it all goes well and I get to snap cute pics too. Yup, I am a picture junkie...

So this is me saying special thanks to everyone who made my day memorable, with love...Iyosayi14

'OSHIOMOLE POLICE' IS NOT YOUR FRIEND

Day: Monday November 24, 2014

Time: 1:30pm

Location: Iyaro junction, Benin City

The sun rays spat at my skin through the windscreen. The passengers of the bus beside my car were most likely dozing off because of my music. Someone once said my kind of songs are burial songs, slow, melancholic and sleep inducing. I didn't care what they'll be dreaming about, I sang along to Young and Beautiful by Lana Dey Rey as my eyes hid safely behind my dark stunning shades. 

I looked from the side window trying to get a glimpse of the traffic light. The wait was seemingly becoming unending. Horns blared and cars began to move. Thankfully, I changed gear from park to drive.

The cars in front were moving like snails. The traffic light was counting down to red quickly. I pressed the horn button hard at the bus in my front. Several things I needed to do on time lest I get home at night.

Finally I was at the junction where the traffic light was positioned. I looked up, the count was on 1 and still green. Safe to drive past quickly. I sped on, crossed the road on time. I saw two uniform traffic officers, popularly referred to as Oshiomole police motioning for me to slow down. What could have gone wrong? I looked into the rear mirror. Nothing odd was happening behind me.

Why was I being asked to slowdown? It clicked! The 'touts' were going to tell me I beat the light. I locked my doors and rolled up my windscreen. I had already slowed down, thinking maybe I had hit something or my tire was flat.

I sped past them but a car came from no where. I rammed into his bumper. Damn it! My escape just got foiled. If not for that car I wouldn't have come out. Little did I know the private car was theirs, 'cus at the end of the day no one said anything about me fixing the bumper.

I came down to apologize to the vehicle owner. He was on plain clothes and seemed really concerned about his bumper.

That's when the guys came over, accusing me of running a red light. What red light?! I maintained my stand that I did no such thing the several minutes we were at it.

I parked by the road side and they kept on talking, asking I settled them before I settled the driver whose bumper I ran into. I held my ground. When they realized I wasn't going to bulge they entered my car and said we should go to their station. I remembered a colleague once said it's never a good thing to go to their station. 

But something in me just got ticked off. I mean, I wasn't wrong. If I was maybe I would have mellowed and begged them, probably settled them. But this was damn wrong and plain injustice. I told them we should go to their station. Enroute the station they asked how much I had on me to settle them, I said I had just a thousand naira. They said that wouldn't go anywhere that I should have say ten thousand and then some more to fix the guy's bumper. (The guy was left behind). 

I looked at them, 'na me dis ones wan use chop mugu abi'? I told them we should go to the station, that I didn't have that amount of money to give them. I called my boss at the office. He was well connected and knew people. I narrated every thing to him. He said he would meet me at their office. 

If eyes could kill, they would have burnt to ashes. I called another contact in a top government office. He said when I get to the office I should call him and hand the phone over to their boss. What I knew for sure was they were not getting a dime from me and I was going to walk out of the station with my head held high. 

I didn't beg them or any of sorts. They said I was strong headed and shii. I told them we must get to their station since that's what they had in their mind to do. 

We got to the station and I was handed over to their boss. He asked what happened. I started narrating what happened, then they interrupted me. They said I beat the traffic light. Their boss declared I was guilty and my fine was twenty thousand naira. Just like that, I didn't get to finish my statement. Another nincompoop. I didn't waste any saliva explaining any further. If we were in a society where things actually work, a cctv would have been played to check if truly I beat the light but alas! We were in Nigeria need I not forget.

My boss called and said he was close by.

I chilled.

My contact at the government office called and spoke to the man. He mellowed after the call. Said to be very sure my contact was who he was, he should tell his direct boss to call him to release my car. I stood looking at him. 

I waited some minutes and my boss came. Now it was my turn to show power. See, my boss was my hero that day. Not only did he come, he came with a surprise. 

He came with a well armed Mopol seated at the front of the car. At first they didn't want to open the gate but by the time the Mopol with his gun alighted from the vehicle, the gates were flung opened.

My head began to swell, boy did it swell!

The car drove into the station. I greeted my boss and he said I should take him straight to the man. You should have seen the way the other officers looked at us. Like mehn, this meat wey we go catch today big pass us o.

The shitty man who was forming stone cold for me all of a sudden became friendly. I felt like spitting in his face. In a minute I was free to go and not a dime was collected. 

My contact from the government office called same minute and mehn, you should have seen the new look on the man's face. 

That's how I was allowed to go and no mention was made of the guy whom I ran into his bumper. Obviously he was one of them whose role is to use his vehicle to block cars who try to escape them. One day he just mght get crushed to death.

Some day they'll deal with a trouble maker who would go all the way to make sure the riff-raff are severely dealt with. 

I drove out of the station as a don with my boss' car following. The Mopol totally legitimized our street credibility. Hehehe...before I form superstar I won't pretend I didn't say a prayer or two to God to get me out of the mess while I awaited the arrival of my boss. 

Then again, special thanks to my boss who actually left the office to come rescue me even when I was on leave and out of office. Shows how amazing a boss I have. Not many bosses would do that, I would know 'cus I have worked under others before in the same organization.

Not everyone has pleasant story to say about the infamous 'Oshiomole police' men and not a few have parted with their hard earned money even when they were innocent. So I'm thankful that wasn't my lot.

Moral of the story: if you don't have connection in Nigeria, 'O.Y.O' is your case.

BEAUTY FROM PAIN by SUPERCHICK

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see (to what I can't see)
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

ARE WE REALLY LIVING?

Some months ago, Einstein and I were having a conversation about how we don't really wanna work, just live the life and be at peace.  

Then I said let the word even come to an end quickly so someone can rest from the crazy hustling of life. Einstein responded, saying 'for that one, na only you waka come'

*sigh...after seeing someone who shared same sentiments with me I was so happy, only for him to play me like that and leave me hanging. Guess I pushed my luck too far eh? Lol

Anyway, how do I feel/see life? I believe the original plan God had for us was to be born and just enjoy the peace and beautiful things life has to offer. The ideal life condition was the kinda life Adam and Eve lived in the garden of Eden before they fell. 

I was chatting with my colleague Bright, he said he was tired of the hustle and stress that comes with the job. If only he had the courage to resign and just live peacefully even if it's teaching he'd be doing and just be happy and fulfilled. 

The word 'courage' struck me. That's exactly what most of us lack and the fear of the unknown too. We are living a life we are not happy living. We have an idea of what we want for ourselves, but the lack of courage to launch out and truly be happy living as we so desire isn't there. Where we are now my not be rosy, but we say at least I have food, the blood sucking job can pay the bills, let me just suck it up and be contended.

Let me at this junction make it known that I don't have it all figured out or have the courage either to start living the life I desire. Or maybe I do, I am just not yet equipped with the resources I need. Anyway, truly life is short. We are supposed to just be at peace, appreciating the simple things of life but no, we all have eyes wey dey shook. 

Even when we have a billion dollars we would still long for more money. Instead of us to stay and just enjoy life after reaching a milestone, we lose the point and still continue hustling for more, never really enjoying life. 

That false sense of needing so much money to have security, you keep working your butt off even sacrificing your health and happiness trying to feel safe and made. But deep down all you feel is misery and incompleteness, dead dreams and emptiness. Money is good, but it isn't everything.

After suffering and working their asses out for years, people luckily get to retire, but then it amazes me how they don't rest. They keep hustling after retirement still looking for more money, maybe they didn't save while working or maybe I really wouldn't know why till I get to that stage in life myself.

I just wanna earn up to a certain amount, invest in bonds or treasury bills and keep rolling over while using the interest to maintain myself and family. No working and hustling that I'd miss out on life or sacrifice my peace of mind and sleep. A boy can dream right?

To avoid being idle maybe I'd start up a small farm or business, not necessarily to make all the money in the world but to keep me from being idle because we all know an idle hand must always be given work to do by the devil.

Or maybe be a hippie, travel the world in groupies and just live life...hahaha...I think I'd go with the more sane former plan.

But seriously, when do we really live? 'Cus life's cycle is fast turning into be born, go to school, graduate, get a job, marry and give birth to kids...work even more and then die.

Someone once tweeted this - "Blessed is he who is unambitious. He shall have joy like a flowing river. If you really want to be happy in this life, kill ambition...it's the only way." In a twisted way, there's actually lot of sense in it.

But I love to say blessed are those who live their dreams, and those whose talents are the source of their livelihood. I mean they are having fun making money. Just think about that! They are really blessed!. 

I just want a simple happy life...void of hustling and shii...just be at peace and avoid greed or the want to have all the millions in world and even after having it I won't have the sense to chill and enjoy life peacefully but yet I'd keep working and hustling to make more millions. Then drop dead one day and sadly that's when I'd realize life has passed me by.

Feel like I should just take 6 months or 1 year off, and just do all the things I have always wanted to do...maybe finally complete the four novels I have abandoned, see places I have interest in, read books I have piled, just live and experience life... Just one year for me, on my terms but that lingering fear of the unknown...*sigh. Life shouldn't be this difficult. I need clarity, I need fulfillment. I need to stop trying to figure my life out but just get courage and a lil faith and just do, go with it and live and be happy.

That moment of truth you realize this is not the life you envisaged for yourself and you have been blinded by the ideas society expects from you...but deep down you know you are on the wrong track and you forgot this is your life and you may have been pleasing society but truth is all this while you have been sad and miserable...the courage to follow our hearts and be happy because in truth this life is short and we get to live it just once, so I ask are you happy with yourself?

Death is just a breath away...breathe carefully

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

LOVING CAN HURT...

They say in every relationship, one person always loves more...

Kinda sucks when you realize you are that person, right? You feel dumb when you realize the other isn't really as into the whole ish as you are.

We all know most times the beginning of relationships are always sweet. The constant thinking of each other, frequent communication and meetings. Everything is so beautiful you lose track and one day you realize the intensity has slowed and you've moved from that initial intense feeling to just loving or if you are unlucky, numb feeling (that's when you know you guys have run your course).

Anyway, when we all start up with that intense communication ish and all, we know deep down in our subconscious it's not going to be so forever, soon reality would set in and your individual lives and timing would begin to slow things down. But we ignore that thought and just enjoy the feeling.

It's kinda rough when it seems the intensity wouldn't last say two weeks unlike previous ones you've had. Worse if this is the one you really are into.

Say, first time you'd be spending a weekend apart. Maybe your boo travels, you communicate via chats but nothing compares to being with him/her physically. You can't wait for him/her to get back. They finally come and then they say they won't be able to see you that day even when they returned early.

That moment, you see the cracks. Has it already begun? Is this the beginning of the end? Did you miss a sign or something? Well, you can't express your disappointment, we all know insecurity isn't attractive. So you just reply with 'ok' and then begin to review things. Seeds of doubts have been sown.

Have you moved too fast? Let yourself fall freely without caution? How come you are the only one eager to see after the time apart? All signs point to the fact that you are the one who cares more and from your experience that's a sorry position to be in.

You know it's time to take a step back, withdraw a bit and don't wear your heart on your sleeves. You have to protect yourself, your pride...your heart. You are going to psyche yourself into not being clingy or desiring their company so much. The love is there alright, but you ain't allowed to feel all that especially now you know the other hasn't gotten to desire you at same level of affection.

Yea, they said they missed you too over the weekend, but common let's be real, actions speak louder than words. You rememebr all the times you were deeply attracted to someone and how you did mumu things just to be with them when they wanted to see you. You walked miles, spent your last cash, sneaked out of the house, stayed out late and all the sorts, all that mattered was your heart was happy. Now you wonder why this person wouldn't do same for you when you yourself, you are ready to make similar sacrifices to be with them after the days apart.

Apparently someone  has got their mumu button, sadly it's not you!

Time to make yourself wanted, time for them to prove they really want you. To chase after you and show they are into this for real. You'd just lay low and well, if they never contact you again, you'd think of them fondly as assholes. Okay, I stole that line from sex and the city. Hehehe...

Anyway, while you lay low and try not to seem all too interested anymore just to see if they truly want you, you might just be slowly getting over all your feelings for them. The trick is, when we give little space or chances like this, things start going south without our knowing. When you lose focus on the person, that when your eyes get open to see others you didn't really notice and maybe you just might send wrong signals to the other person and they too would think you are no longer interested for real.

Thats how you'll succeeded in successfully ruining what you had unconsciously, but then your pride's been saved I guess, no?

Me I don't know anymore, this thing called love is rather too complicated for my liking.

"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

 But its the only thing that I know

 When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

 It is the only thing that makes us feel alive"

- Photograph by Ed Sheeran

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

LOSING PEOPLE....and it's effortless

Patterns, walking in circles....

I think I am at that phase of my life where I push people away. I recently posted this on facebook one evening when I was having a moment reflecting - "Pushing people away comes naturally....something I just can't explain neither do I know why".

Honestly I can’t fight it anymore or try to understand it. Fighting it or trying to gain control drives me insane. I was driving home two nights ago and I got lost in thought, thinking of how to solve this particular issue of mine. I was thinking maybe I should force myself when I notice I am shutting someone out, but i remembered the times I tried to force myself not to, the persons only ended up getting the worst of me. Something’s I guess can’t be changed or forced.

"And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to" - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft Mary Lambert (Same Love)

Learning to accept and manage them may just be the best trick around it or like I finally decided, maybe there is a drug or medication of some sorts I can take daily to help me out.

So I tweeted pretty recently that it’s raining dates for me. Met some peeps with good possibilities but right now, they have all been frustrated out of my life or out rightly banished, well except one (hopefully that one won’t face same fate). I don’t feel happy about the pushing people away thing and neither does it make me feel fly or shii. It’s a problem and it gives me reason to worry, infant I have come to the conclusion that I am the one with a problem.

Though mostly, in my defence I push people way when the friendship is becoming too difficult or stressful. I hate dealing and I hate unnecessary drama. Worse, I hate when someone makes me feel like I am chasing after them. I may like someone so much but I am damn too lazy to chase after anyone.

So once I notice all that kinda attitude shit, I just lock up and look the other way. If you get the message, you’d respectfully delete yourself but if you stay and push and maybe luckily get my attention, and yet still give me stress, ehn?! you are so gonna be banished!

I can’t deal mehn, I am way too old for that. The era of drama has passed. Got to channel all that energy into something productive. In fact, I keep asking myself why do people still front or form? I remember then it was the in thing for a chick to front when a guy is onto her but these days you go just dey there, dey old ni. I believe if two people like themselves truly there should be no fronting. Stop all the damn wasting of time and get the shi started! What do people even gain from all the useless hard time giving? There’s this quote I love so much – “don’t play hard to get with a guy who is actually hard to get".

Thinking about it, it doesn’t even make sense forming and giving someone a hard time. You are discouraging them, giving them the opportunity to look elsewhere. No time...it’s just a few guys I know who’ll still press on and focus on just you. Most guys i know that would still press on have actually lost interest and the only reason they push on is just to score and when they have scored, you shall be banished and that’s when she starts the chasing. 

Saying his attitude has changed and shii... that’s the point when tables get turned. I remember one time I was talking with someone who was acting all difficult and I was like, when tables turn it’s going to be so not pretty and she was like huh? I said so it has never crossed your mind that there’s a possibility that I would be the one being searched for by you someday? Guess that shocked some sense into her head. If only girls were wiser. Guys don’t have time for drama, well except the love struck ones I guess.

I used to tell my N.Y.S.C roomies then that they should never date a teenager if they love their sanity. Coupled with all the body changes teenage girls are dealing with and coming to terms with new territory of life, imagine adding love drama to it? They’ll so frustrate you, your head will spin. I met a couple of peeps as I was saying, and no not teenagers, age range 22 - 24. Funny turned out it was same ol’ drama. Only the one remaining seems sane, i’m beginning to think it’s my craze that will ruin this one.

For the other two, well they are still lost in their teenage attitude and I couldn’t have shut my door fast enough! Game playing has never been my thing. Then again, as I always make it known from the start I am not a relationship person and the whole idea I still don’t get (this discuss would be for another post). So I have made it known from the start I am not into the serious relationship thingy ish and you still try to give me attitude or make me chase you? Gotta be kidding me.

  

So that’s it...same way they came into my life in less than a month they’ve gone and I guess soon enough new set would come and go too. When next I am asked the question,  ‘tell me about yourself’, I’ll just say I push people away. Simple!

Peyton Sawyer’s slogan in One Tree Hill (while it still made sense season 1 - 4) was “people always leave”. That’s true especially in my life. People come and go. I can’t even count how many best friends I have had, sort of like I am close to a particular person this season and next season it’s another but the main thing is even after many years that connection built with each is still there.  But there are some others, I don’t know...they just come, play their part and I learn the lessons and off they go. Erased and undone for my sanity’s sake. So yea, people always leave...voluntarily or involuntarily or some get frustrated out. Some I regret and some I know i dodged a deadly bullet, as in, good riddance!

But my weakness is when they come back I always open my doors and then they mess up again and I shut my door and if they come back, I foolishly open my door again....I just believe everyone needs another chance but most times and I know continually, I’d keep regretting why I reopen my door.

Anyway, that’s life, people come and go. I have learnt to live my life such that I can survive without anyone. I tell myself if I can survive and move on from 'X' who put me through hell ending 400level to first semester 500level, then I can let go of anyone and I’ll be fine.

Though before then I still had the pushing people away trait, but that particular experience broke me forever and since then I have been so cold and nonchalant about anyone leaving. Ever since then, I just had this behind my mind, why fight for someone to stay in your life? Who really likes you doesn’t need you to fight for them to be around. See, I fought with all my heart and strength and I still lost. I was broken beyond repair. So I don’t fight anymore.

Why do I even care? Less people around, less bullshit to deal with, init?

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

SHIT GOT REAL...

I feel like I need to take stock of my life. Feels like things are moving, no spinning out of control and I am powerless. I know I have issues, or like Dr. Owen once said, maybe my issues have me, but this place where I am right now...I really don’t know.

I need to relax somewhere quiet, somewhere sane away from all the noise and everyone and just think. Just try and figure it out and get back the reins of my life because right now it seems as though, someone else is living my life.

Maybe I do get touchy, I know I do and it’s the little things ‘normal’ people overlook that gets to me more. I don’t know why. Things that people might tolerate from friends, those things I can easily take from strangers but when it’s someone close or a friend, it hurts me so much and it’s so hard for me to let go and move on.

Stuff just messes with my head, makes my head spin and I start shutting down, trying to process or understand why I got treated that way. I start looking for that thin line between being rational and irrational, the thin line between wisdom and emotions.

Little things you expect from friends, things strangers don’t even think twice about before doing for you but a close friends drags his feet and I try to reason if I were in same shoes would I have dragged my feet? Generally, I am not a people person, I am shy and complicated but some people just have a way of finding their way to my heart. Some with ease some not so easily. When I get comfortable around you, I let my guard down completely and foolishly let you in fully. Holding nothing back and that’s when you see the all smiling crazy, weird Princely that’s an amazing company to have around. And then the line gets crossed, say a colleague at works plays a fast one on me or colleagues I laugh with and joke with (I mean, the job is killing enough one has to find ways to ease the pressure, can’t be all so serious). But then things are taken too far and the time for serious ish is forgotten and it seems you have lost your importance and now being taken for granted. Stuff like that makes me shut down totally and hardly do I recover (well after a while, time fixes everything I normally do but it never remains the same because that scar is there.) it’s always going to be at the back of my mind and my guard would never be let down again. One has to protect his reputation and self pride. Very key!
This is what happens when boundaries are not set.
 "In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We can’t help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you’ve crossed, it’s impossible to go back." - Meredith Grey

If only it were possible for one to take time out from reality, just take a breather and sort it all out. I feel like I should just think and figure out what next and deal with all this once and for all and know this is what’s what now and henceforth this is how and how I shall do. No regrets, no feelings, just live and know it’s work and work as so. See the thing is, I have been scarred while working out of Lagos. The people I worked with then left a mark on me.

No one can be trusted in this business, it’s all survival of the fittest and everyone to him/her self. Yes they preach team work but that’s only practiced when someone needs a favour from you. When it comes to the real koko, you are on your own. So I changed location and everything seemed different and felt this is not Lagos where everyone’s eye dey shook. But lately, I have realized my mistake. Truth is, self survival and selfishness is just a normal human nature regardless of location.

Mehn...I got played. I got real played but it’s all cool. I kinda let it go before but the effect has begun to show and now I am not okay anymore and I am not even trying to force it or pretend. I don’t even know how to pretend or hide the way if feel and I won’t start now. I have been wronged yea, it might have been her sweat but we had a deal and I helped her too in other deals. I mean we had a deal and time for her to do her part I got double crossed for the most ridiculous reason ever. Anyway lesson learnt. Everyone to him/her self. I can’t be laughing and playing friends with someone, while they stay stabbing me at the back.

So easy for me to agree to do shii for her but when I need help I need to give reasons and say it several times before a muscle is even moved. Anyway I just shut down (my typical way), now dealing strictly on professional terms only. I won’t stay deceiving myself we are friends when clearly I am just being used. What she did hurt then but as the effects now keep staring at my face each day, I just keep having this sickening reminder of how toxic the environment was in Lagos. Really, it’s sad how we all want to get ahead even though those we work with are crashing. I just hope I don’t get infected with such attitude.

See, I admit I have my own short comings, I am not perfect but I doubt i have double crossed anyone. For years now I have been trying to wrap my head around this scripture – “do unto others what you want others to do to you.”
From my life experiences I can only say it’s just to guide us and make the world a better place to live in if we all obeyed it. Most people think the scripture is trying to say if we don’t do certain things to people it won’t be done to us. I doubt that’s what it says because honestly, it’s the things I can’t and don’t do to people that people keep doing to me.

There’s so much to life than work but seems I am the only one who sees that. Nothing is permanent and we don’t know where we shall meet tomorrow. Well, it’s not for me to preach. Anyway I have already applied for my leave. I Can’t wait to get out of the system for a while. I seriously need out. Kinda like I should go on recess and reboot. I feel worn out or should I say ‘burned’ out. I just need release. Hoping the time away would make me miss work and long for it because truly I just come because I have to be here not like I am motivated to be here or anything.

I'm out...

SOMETHING ON LOVE

Finally you have all you’ve longed for and things are beginning to make sense after a tough period. Career wise, things are looking better. Financially, you are in a comfortable place. Generally, you feel successful and on the right track. You are grateful for where you are now.

Then it suddenly hits you – there’s really no one to share all this success with. You look back and realize that in pursuit of a future, you somewhat succeeded in alienating yourself and probably let the human part of you die, sort of. The darkness looms and you begin to feel down.

Well, sooner than you hoped for, fate smiles on you. You meet someone. A new friendship starts. Nothing really special, just the normal talks, chats and laughter and the whole process of getting to know someone new.

Soon enough you realize it was a friendship bound to happen someday; you both share lots of mutual friends. The bond of friendship gets stronger. Even in your busy schedules you both make out time to see yourselves each day - early in the mornings before serious work starts and late in the evenings after close of business. Sometimes, if you are lucky, you get to see mid day.

Gradually, that part of you that died begins to awaken and one day, you realize you’ve begun to feel again. You smile more, you feel at home with your new friend, you can’t wait for close of work to talk and walk to the bust stop together. You are alive again.

You meet one of your mutual friends and gush about this new friend you’ve made. Your friend sees the glow in your face, the sparkle in your eyes and passion in your smile as you go on and on. The signs are all there. You have fallen in love without even noticing.

Your friend shakes his head and tells you point blank- you are in love. You pause; maybe even cringe at the thought. You ask yourself silently, ‘me in love?” seems odd. You stay silent and ponder. The truth stares you in the face and then you blush.

Could you really be in love?

Next day comes and you begin to look at your new friend with a different eye. Everything seems to have changed. Truly, you are in love. Over several meets the thought hangs in there but you don’t want to move too fast for fear of ruining what you have. You begin to look for reasons why it won't work out between you two. You find some, but they are trivial issues. Your normal ‘runaway’ nature kicks in...your fear of commitment starts working over time.

Finally, you grow a pair and express how you feel. Lucky you, you are not a loner in love. The feeling is mutual. You want more, you want to feel her lips and hold onto her. You want to express your care. You dream of how your first kiss will be, epic hopefully. Each time you try, but each time she holds back. You confront her, thinking she has a boyfriend.

What she tells you gets your head spinning. You aren’t expecting such a reply. Heck! You have never heard of such before. She says she’s in a program and to be successful she has promised herself to God not to get involved with anyone or get intimate in any manner. Not even a kiss!

Sex was never on your mind. Just cuddling, kissing, going out on dates and bonding. You think about it and you realize in a certain way, you've found someone who’s not into the whole physical ish. She actually wants something more valuable. You ask her out officially and she says what's the difference between what you people have going on (talks, chats, meeting, walks). What's really going to change now? But she doesn’t get it. The feeling of it all being exclusive, the feeling of knowing this is officially my special one…

You remember the movie – Think like a man. The whole Megan Good’s 90days rule. Maybe this is what you need to finally get it right for once. No rush, just knowing yourself truly, in and out for some months. The wait would be worth it.

Everything goes on well afterwards, though you try to tone down your feeling. But one day you slip and say the words ‘I love you'. Surprisingly, she says the words back. You can't even describe the feeling. Totally made the world to you!

Then something happens (as they always do). Situation changes and that very thing that ruined all your previous attempts at love in the past comes again.

Distance!

You might have to change location soon but you are not so sure. Once again, just when you think you’ve finally gotten it right, long distance seems to destroy it again. You know the drill, you can't do long distance. The pain that comes with it, just too much for you to bear. And then it starts all over again – you begin to withdraw from her. Better to step back now than continue and fall even harder.

You are still not sure if you are moving, but most likely you might. This hurts and shatters you. For once, you met the right one. One who isn't into the physical, one you could really relate to and suddenly it’s all threatened. Your old self kicks in. So you run….

The only way you can deal is to lock yourself in and stay away. The hurt kills you, you miss her but somethings about love you still haven't come to understand. All you think about is being with her, spending a whole day with her. What’s she doing now? Does she miss you as much as you miss her? Or does she even miss you at all? You wish things could be easier. Why must distance ruin this? So close, yet so far.

You console yourself with the cliché ‘time heals’. Just like the others heartaches, you’ll heal from this or maybe this might just be the final nail on the coffin and you just might never recover and never feel again.

Just maybe, maybe things may get better and you’d not have to move or maybe still, it’s all part of the learning process…one thing feels sure, you've lost her, hopefully not forever… Someday fate might bring you guys back again.

THE POWER OF THE TONGUE

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump out of the pit with all of their might. The group of frogs kept telling them to stop because they were as good as dead.

Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died. The second frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out.

You see this frog was deaf, unable to hear what the others were saying. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches a lesson...."You will have to live with the consequences of everything you say. What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words" (Proverbs 18: 20,21).

There is the power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift him up and help him make it through the day. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill his joy. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path.

The power of words... an encouraging word can go such a long way. May your words be a blessing to someone today. Culled from the Daily Encourager

BrEakiNg YoUr oWn hEaRt

Is it possible to know right from the very first meet that you'd definitely fall so deep in love with someone?

Maybe it's a sudden attraction you feel, and you know if you continue it's going to develop into something so strong.

Of course there are plenty of things to consider before going into something serious with someone, factors that'll determine if it would work. Maybe stuff like religion, age, genotype, individual preferences, likes and dislikes, distance, tribe or just anything that's a determining factor on if you two would work out.

You do a mental cross check and you realize you are not going to be compatible. The question is what next? If you stay you'd only fall deeper and it would become even more hurtful for you sooner or later. If you leave now how would the other person feel?

What of unrequited love? You realize the person is unavailable and could never love you the same. Do you stay? Knowing full well you'd fall even deeper for the person? Do you walk away? Be selfish and save your heart the future pain of not being loved back. Not caring if the other party would feel bad they've lost a potential good friend?

Have you been down this road before? Is this the same way you handled this? Walked away from the very start? Did you tell them why you were leaving or you just disappeared? Or did you sabotage the friendship on purpose?

Or did you stay? Try to ignore the feelings. Did you say the way you felt and still tried to manage the feelings? Did you both try to work a way around it even though all you longed for was to be more than just friends?

Was there drama? A lot of thinking? Walking in cycles? Telling yourself you have to walk away, you go today and next week you are back because even though you want to stay away, your heart still yearns for their company?

"If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal" - Everything Changes (Staind)

Do you feel you are back to walking that same road? That you are going to make a mess out of it all again, just like you always did in the past?

Something inside wants you to do it better this time around. You really want to handle it well but you don't know how. You've started making the same mistakes. Your head is clogged. You desire love. Unkissed. Lonely. Vulnerable.

No excuses of wanting to focus on studies, of wanting to start a career. Now you are of age but lo...where's the love now you are ready to love? Just one person and you'd be okay. But then you look around and all you see is people below 'standard', your standard. "You've built your wall so high, no one can climb it" - Beneath your beautiful (Labrinth ft Emeli Sande)

Maybe you should just give up on love, but you weren't wired that way. Maybe you should lower your taste? No? You can't settle. The right one is out there somewhere, it's just a matter of time. But for how much longer can you wait?
Just when you seem to meet the right one, it all comes crumbling down right before your very eyes.

"You're all alone in the dark
You're breaking your own heart
Taking it too far down the lonely road
You say it's just one love
But when it's close enough you just let it go
The very thing you've been the most afraid of
You've been doing it from the start, breaking your own heart..." Breaking your own heart (Kelly Clarkson)

You are ready to love, ready to feel, to build a life with someone. Ready to make memories of you two. But yet again you are a loner in love. Just a day with this amazing person you met, so much laughter and fun at the cinema. Perfect song on the car stereo (say maybe, John Legend's All of you). You take a look at the other and you see the future. You feel your heart melt, this is the one but you know better... you'll only be seen as a good friend.
Your heart breaks and you remember how you warned yourself never to go on such outings with the 'unavailable'

Maybe after all, love is not for everyone.

All takes me right back to this my previous blog post...
http://iyosayi14.blogspot.nl/2012/05/complicated.html?m=1

I CHOOSE!!

I CHOOSE!

"It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.

In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose......

I Choose Love...
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I Choose Joy...
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstances. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical...the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I Choose Peace...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I Choose Patience...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of yelling at the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I Choose Kindness...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.  Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I Choose Goodness...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse.

I Choose Faithfulness...
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.

I Choose Gentleness...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I Choose Self-Control...
I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will not, rule the eternal. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ.

"LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS AND SELF CONTROL" (Gal.5:22,23)

To these, I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest with the peace that passes all understanding.   (Philippians 4:7)


Culled from The Daily Encourager

OUT OF SIGHT is truly out of mind...

In one of my final year courses (can't remember the course title now), we discussed on the topic Conflict resolution. One of the most effective methods of conflict resolution we were taught is Separation.

I think a major mistake most people make is thinking they can force the whole reconciliation process. Hurt takes time to heal, forgiveness needs time to be effective. It's one thing to forgive but it's not realistic expecting the hurt and pain to be forgotten immediately at the snap of a finger sort of like magic.

People at times need time to move past bad experiences and like they say, out of sight is out of mind. Say Mr. A and B are fighting and Mr. C comes in as the peacemaker. Mostly the way we work is, we expect them to talk stuff out, each says the story the way he sees it. Mr C, the mediator listens, offers his advise and admonishes them to let by gones be. They should shake hands, forget and be friends again. Well, works sometimes but not all the time.

Sometimes, time apart may be needed for perfect peace and healing to be. Especially well, when the wrong done bites so deep.

Sometimes you try to forgive someone, you forgive but you just can't seem to shake off the feeling of hurt. As much as you try, there's this feeling, can't really explain it but it just doesn't feel right. It gets worse when you see the person or remember... Those times what do you do? Try avoiding the past? Try to forget? All goes back to out of sight is out of mind.

Those things you put up with for the sake of friendship, I mean, no one's perfect right? You have to tolerate each other's flaws and shortcomings. But how much really can we tolerate? Why suffer ourselves to be around someone who continually causes our heart pain? Is friendship all worth it?

You try your best to move past it and forgive but it's not so easy considering you keep being reminded of their atrocities. Today you forget and you are pals, then something happens and you are reminded afresh. Could be anything or maybe the person does something almost similar, say you got hurt by a cheating partner.

That relationship can never be same again, there'd always be that bit of suspicion and doubt. You can never fully trust your partner again. So any slight suspicious move (even when it's innocent), takes you right back to the pain of knowing the person you trusted betrayed you.

Sometimes to keep one sane and help ease one's self of pain, it maybe an easy cheap way out but I'd quickly go the shortest road to peace of mind, I'd say separation is an effective way of conflict resolution.

Maybe when time has finally healed your heart and you begin to miss the other, maybe then you'd be ready to rekindle your friendship. Let time take all the time it needs to heal you. There's no need forcing total forgiveness. There's a big difference between staying away for peace sake and keeping malice. Truth is most people don't even know the meaning of malice. Malice according to my dictionary is harbouring wicked thoughts towards another.

The lyrics of Beyonce's Resentment...these words of the song express exactly how I feel right now concerning a situation I am with someone. Well the song's about a cheating lover but these words extracted captures my feelings perfectly well..

I wish I could believe you then I'll be alright

But now everything you told me really don't apply

To the way I feel inside

Loving you was easy once upon a time

But now my suspicions of you have multiplied

And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time

'Cause I can't go on and pretend like

I haven't tried to forget this

But I'm much too full of resentment

Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me

The very thing you gave to me

I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed

As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain't the same

And it's all because you lied

I may never understand why

I'm doing the best that I can

I tried and I tried to forget this

I'm much too full of resentment

I feel so much better now though still feel a bit hurt by the actions of my friend but with time, I don't know how long it would take, time apart would really help me out and someday I'll get over it but having a hundred percent trust again? That I can't say. The thing about fixing a broken mirror is, you can still see the cracks.

Writing truly is therapeutic and well, good music that the lyrics captures my mood.

MISERY

So last week like every other week started with a promise. But by Wednesday I wished the week never started.

By Wednesday morning a little war began at work. Then another came up - my very good friend in the office was missing. His wife said he didn't get home the previous night. Her last sentence on the phone in between tears was 'my husband is in trouble'.

Combined with the problem I was trying to resolve at the office, my head felt so light. It was like I was floating on air. It wasn't a good feeling. I couldn't join the search party because I had to stay back and solve my office issue. The search party weren't giving us any information. Afternoon came, still no breakthrough. I felt sick.

At the end of the day, my little office problem had grown worse, search party was back with some good news. My friend was alive but was behind bars. He was an innocent buyer of a stolen vehicle. I did my best to resolve my work ish, but my best I guess wasn't good enough. I had that burden to carry home.

I got home so tired, my head heavy from so many thoughts and imaginations of what could happen if this or that, or how my friend was faring in the disgusting jail. The search party gave a terrible description of where he was.

The way I felt? Beyonce's Shoulda Known lyric - I'm gonna tip and soak myself in misery...

I struggled to eat something, fell on my bed and decided to just end that day. I checked twitter and saw a not so pleasant news that hit me personally. I got hit again. By 10 pm my phone rang interrupting my sleep. I got up, looked at the screen of my phone, I didn't have the number stored. I let it ring.

Immediately it went off, I put on my true caller and as I had guessed the phone rang later. Thanks to true caller I could tell who was calling, a customer we had handled sorted out stuff for at work. Oh, if I had known I would have put off my phone, another trouble came...she was bringing war to the office the next day.

I did all the professional ish I could do to calm her down. After the call, I went back to sleep. It was a horrible sleep. I kept waking up at intervals, terrible dreams all an extension of my thoughts. I finally found peaceful sleep say thirty minutes to wake up time. I woke up feeling good, oblivious to all my previous day wahala but a glance at my phone brought back all the memories.

Ugh! I wished I could sleep on, so I wouldn't have to face that day or move a muscle. I just need a shelter, save haven from my reality. When your body is healthy but your soul is sick...that's the way I felt.

I wanted to sleep for days to numb the pain...maybe that's why people commit suicide? The pain's so overwhelming they can't deal anymore? But truly that's a permanent solution to a temporary problem I guess. Time heals everything right? But I guess some things are permanent. Like Aids? Let me not derail.

I had a plan for the late night caller. I was going to hand her over to the manger once she came. I would be kind enough to tell him that trouble was coming. I still had my own wahala to deal with at work and my friend was still behind bars.

I got to work not really wanting to be there. I checked my system and half of the issue was done. I was so excited it helped take me through the day but I had that tiny feeling it wouldn't last and everything would go south. Just couldn't shake it off.

And truly, things went south around closing time. I was beaten down honestly. You know that feeling when you have been fighting so hard for stuff and or trying to prevent something from happening and yet it all still goes wrong? That 'I give up feeling' mixed with 'I don't give a damn anymore, what's the worst that can happen' feeling? Yea? That's exactly how I felt.

I packed up and headed straight for the prison but on getting to the gate I was told my friend had been released few minutes before my arrival. At least some good news for the day.

I longed for Friday evening, I needed a break from my reality. It was going to be a long weekend because of the public holiday on Monday and Tuesday. I really needed the break.

I wanted to go to the ocean, lay on the sand, let the waves wash over me...let go of every thought and completely let go (that could have been me but Benin City has only Ikpoba river).

Or better still, go to a gym and inflict physical pain on my body...get a distraction while I wait for it to all blow off...after all time heals, init? And just pray and hope for the best. I was done worrying and fighting.

'Some prayers find an answer, others may never know...holding on and letting go' - Ross Copperman (holding on and letting go)

I had cheated myself. I forgot all the lessons I had learnt in the past about worrying. The previous Saturday I had read about the chapter on worrying in the book - Battlefield of the mind by Joyce Meyers. On Sunday the pastor had preached on being thankful no matter what happens to us because it is God's will for us and we should learn to endure hardships.

I let myself worry. I put myself through unnecessary pain forgetting that nothing happens to us without God's permission and that all things work together for our good. Honestly, I know better because I have been in impossible situations that all turned out great for me. All I needed was to just stay still and be patient. Just let God work His miracle. I'm glad I didn't let my worry ruin my weekend and public holiday (Monday), I still have Tuesday to enjoy. Though I wish I could freeze today, I mean, why must the holiday end? *sobs

We should learn to be patient, to endure pain and also be thankful for everything for it is the will of God concerning us in Christ Jesus. I know we all desire a life without stress and pain but let's be real, even Jesus himself while on earth had trials and felt pain. Heck! Jesus wept. What's the worst that really could come out of that situation? Life is just temporary after all...

Well, what do I know? I am but just a kid

I'll leave with this lyrics from seventh day slumber - Every Saturday

(download the song and feel the emotions in it, it'll give the lyrics life)

Saturdays have never been the same

And I still can't believe you're gone

So many things I wish that I could say

I guess the hardest part of moving on

Are these memories that have overtaken me

Once again i'm right here on my knee's

I'm barely hanging on

With all these empty feelings

I'm hurting in so many ways

Though I can't begin

To understand the reason

I still believe that you're God

Saturdays have never been the same

That memory keeps eating in my mind

The ringing phone i've called to change my world

And emptiness that words cannot define

Are these memories that have overtaken me

Once again i'm right here on my knee's

I'm barely hanging on

With all these empty feelings

I'm hurting in so many ways

Though I can't begin

To understand the reason

I still believe that you're God

[Hook; God speaking]

And as you cried, I cried with you

I'll never leave, I'll carry you through

And can't you see that I was always there

These ashes of pain will fade

I'm barely hanging on

With all these empty feelings

I'm hurting in so many ways

And though I can't begin

To understand the reason

I still believe that you're God

I'm barely hanging on

With all these empty feelings

I'm hurting in so many ways

And though I can't begin

To understand the reason

I still believe that you're God

I HAVE REFUSED TO AGE...

You've probably seen one of those dp with Pharrel Williams' face from different years with no particular change or sign of him getting older right? Then the final caption tags him as a vampire since he sort of looks the same.

I guess I am also a vampire too. I mean, I looked at a picture I took in 2010 and compared it with the one I took just a month ago. There was no sign of me getting older.

               2010                                    2014

Last month I was in a customer's office. While I waited for the document I came for to be prepared, the lady got talking with me on personal grounds. She was intrigued at how young I look and yet was already working. She asked my age and when I replied she was beyond shocked. She said she thought I was 18 years old!

What??! Me? 18years old?? Lmao...so damn hilarious.

I burst out laughing right there. I get the whole you look young and all, but 18years old? That was just on a whole new level. She went on to say her 21 year old son looks a lot older than I.

Two weeks ago I wasn't feeling too good. I called for someone to take me to the hospital. I did the normal vital tests at the reception before I was ushered in to be examined by the doctor. By now my tie was loosened around my neck and I held my suit on my arm. This was about four in the evening. As I walked towards the doctor's desk, I was greeted with 'are you just closing from school?'

The hell??? Even with my suit? He thought I was a student. *weeps.

I used to think being dressed in suit would make me look a bit older but alas, it doesn't even help. Sort of even stirs up people's curiosity like 'who's this young chap on suit and already working?'

So I'm just imagining if and when I do get married, how I'd look. Like a kid or I dare say maybe the pastor would mistake me for the best man (or worse the little groom) *dies

I won't say I am short. No the time I would have easily admitted that has passed. I am proudly of average height or maybe even a bit above average. When I was in primary/secondary school and early university days, yea, that was when I was tiny/short. It's a miracle how I grew. Even my elder brother admitted one day that it amazes him how suddenly my height increased 'cuz he never thought I'd grow taller. *waves hand in thanksgiving

I have a smallish frame with a tiny waist. People keep laughing at me that my belt goes round my waist twice, oh well. Facially, I am a poster boy for baby face, even with the beards I once longed for even to the extent of applying methylated spirit to my face in S.S. 2 (sadly I wish they never came 'cus it’s so annoying and stressful maintaining them. Especially when bumps try to rear their ugly heads).

Then there's that my trade mark smile. I smile a lot and grin a lot too. Even when I'm serious at times I can't help but have a smile across my face. (Gives me a hard time convincing peeps I am serious those times). People say my smile is cute, don't know. I remember one day I was in a bus. I was chatting with someone (I smile so much when chatting, can't help it and then people think I have one sweetheart that I am always chatting with).

Back to my story, so a lady was sitting beside me in the bus that day. I didn't see her face because I was engrossed in the chat. Then I smiled again. She tapped me and asked if I was Iyosayi.

It was Jennifer Oribabor from my secondary school. And then she went on to say she had been looking at me but wasn't sure I was the one. But when I smiled, that smile, she'd always recognize it anywhere. *my head is still in cloud 9. Did I forget to mention Jennifer is really pretty? *runs off

Then I have this sheepish chuckle, people find it cute but of course my ‘frenemy’, O'nelly, hates it. Haha...that's his beans ni

All these I guess make me look so young in addition to my never aging face/stature. Seems nice right? But then everything that has an advantage always have a disadvantage. Even till my final year people kept thinking I was in hundred level. The most embarrassing was when I went to see my final year project supervisor. His colleague said she always thought I was in hundred level...what???? I was so embarrassed that day.

The whole young guy look has kinda helped me out of certain situations but then there are a few ugly ones, like the one that happen a week ago at work. I went down to get my keys from the security men at work. Earlier someone had taken it to the mechanic for repairs for me and dropped off the keys with them.

I exchanged pleasantries with the elderly men and young guys at the security post and asked for my key. One of them then said you are the ‘Iyosayi’ right? One guy came to drop your keys today, he said he's dropping it for one ‘tall’ guy. I could hear the sarcasm in his voice. I smiled, took my keys and went off.

I asked the guy later about what happened when he dropped off the keys and he said the men referred to me as 'is it that small boy that drives a ....' And that's the problem I have with humans.

Jealousy, low self esteem and the likes. You are in a place and well you seem like the youngest and but you are in a good place and other junior workers who maybe for one reason or the other were not fortunate to have gone to school start hating on you for no just reason. How bitter can people be? Instead of trying to better themselves and improve their cv, I mean there are many certifications out there now, yet they let jealousy and regret blind them and start hating on innocent people whom they have no idea the sacrifices those people might have made to get to where they are or the stress and painful experiences they have been through.

Hell! They see someone and feel the person is lucky or privileged or the person has a perfect life or things are just working fine for the person without the person having to work hard for a thing or even suffer. 

But sadly how wrong they just might be. They have no idea the scars the so called 'lucky one' carries or the personal wars he/she fights each day or just maybe the pain they bear but yet still manage to wear a smile.

Someone once said, if everyone was to throw their problems on the ground for all to see, we would all quickly pick ours back and walk away.

Guess I have digressed a lot. My initial plan was actually to write a not so serious note about my not aging but that last experience with the gatemen really pained me and reminded me of how someone once refused to do more business because of 'bad belle'. He asked how I came and I said the company car brought me. He then said 'so small boy like you has a driver'.

That's how he became jealous o and business went south. Can you imagine? So when people say maturity I just want to blow off the roof. Truth be told, no one is mature! Urgh! That guy really repulsed me. I mean, how low could someone's self esteem be?

I have refused to age; I am closer to 30years than 20years. I wonder how I'd look when I am 35years old. The sky’s blue that’s none of my business…

Well, what do I know...i am but just a kid