Saturday, 11 July 2015


#np: Life Support - Sam Smith

‘The thing about pain is….it demands to be felt’– The Fault in our stars

July 7th, 2015 I felt it again but this time it was during the day. Normally it comes at night when I’m fast asleep. I can’t categorically remember how it starts, I just know I awaken curled up in bed, hands clutching at my abdomen, wrenching.

First time I experienced it should be before my NYSC (2011). I had been given strong pain killers to help solve the headaches I was experiencing. Then I concluded it was a reaction to the drug especially as it stopped when I did away with it.

Later on, I experienced it once in a while over the years till it came up again 2013 when I was based in Lagos. Tests were run and various drugs prescribed. It became a thing of the past as 2014 progressed, though I still relived it occasionally. I bore it all like a man, or more correctly, due to my dislike for visiting hospitals.

This year it became quite frequent. I wasn’t on any pain killers or anything of sorts. I began wondering if it was appendicitis but the pain wasn’t restricted to my right abdomen, this was general. It always began from the lower abdomen right through the upper abdomen piercing its way to my left chest and sometimes my back…
Several nights I lived through it, bearing the pain, rolling and tossing till I slept off to awake with it another distant memory.

So this Tuesday at work, I had just concluded a meeting and was about sitting at my desk when I felt it. I paused, couldn’t move a muscle. I just stood immobile letting it take me. I sat down but it won’t let me be. I tried to bear it but it was stronger. My colleagues began asking if I was okay. Forget we normally give the cliché ‘I am fine’ response most times we are asked that. This time there was no pretending. The driver was asked to take me to the hospital immediately.

Funny, the doctor said I was in denial of my ailment. I refused the injection she said would help recede the agony. I was actually too damn shy to expose my bum to the nurses. I told the doctor I was used to it, after all I have been surviving it all this while, this one time wouldn’t kill me. I concluded I didn’t need an injection to numb it. She smiled and let me have my way. Drugs were prescribed. She insisted I took the first dose in her presence as she didn’t trust me to take them.

I am no fool, for once I am going to follow my prescribed dosage strictly. This is no silly fever that my body would fight itself. I am battling real pain and it needs to heal. I need to tackle this physical pain but little did I know I am going to face a psychological battle also.

Back from the hospital and time for lunch, the steaming plate of food starred at me. My stomach needed the food but my mouth would not open. My brain kept seeing this picture of hot food getting to my stomach and burning up the injuries.  You know that sharp pain when water touches a sore on your skin right? That’s the feeling I expect to feel as I take a gulp of water. It never happens but the scary thought is always there. Eating is now a chore. I wonder how my stomach look right now? Is it bleeding? Is it all turn apart?

I select food a lot and it’s been with me for so long and well, I eat but mostly junk food. It takes someone really close to me to notice my dietary deficiencies. I try to force myself at times but I really don’t know…

I’m trying my best to improve my diet, trying to kick out the image of sore stomach walls that shall cringe once food touches them. I hate taking drugs, the bitter taste when mistakenly the tablet dissolves in my mouth or that repulsive movement of the drug down my throat. Makes my body quiver. I feel weak, sore, feverish and cold at the same time. The weather this period isn’t helping, even Dr. Ewaen was like only you? Kpele o. 
I remember the day I came back from the hospital I sent him the names of all the drugs prescribed. Wasn’t trying to be dramatic, just wanted to be sure I wasn’t being given the wrong drugs. Excuse my paranoia but I have once been misdiagnosed. Ended up taking drugs I had no business taking.

His response was that of shock, something along the lines of why are you sending me such drugs? Then he remembered I had gone through the ish before. He confirmed the drugs were the right ones, that’s what I needed, confirmation. I know I will be fine just the whole psychological battle crap I didn’t bargain for.

Sometimes I find myself subconsciously holding my abdomen, thinking and trying to imagine how my insides are. I don’t know why this time around it’s hitting me this hard, maybe ‘cus I had been in denial about it like the Doctor said or I really don’t know....*sigh It just seems all so real this time and I’ve got this battle to fight. Thankfully I don’t feel alone. I’ve got family, colleagues who care and friends who are there too and my personal friend doctor who I can always call on – Dr. Ewaen so I don’t feel alone at all. I’ve got the complete support system though this is the first time I’d be experiencing the physiological side effects of this thing.

I don’t need pity or empathy really. Self-pity disgusts me. Funny my colleague was going along the lines of ‘e yah, kpele o’. Then she began touching my neck in a tender way. I shoved her hands off and asked why she was treating me like an invalid. I’m very emotional, I don’t need stuff that’ll break this bold face I am trying to put up.

What’s that they say again? Big boys don’t cry.

Well, what do I know...I am but just a kid.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015


#np: The time of my live - David cook
Last weekend, Saturday precisely after attending Word Unspoken (a gospel rap show sort of) at the Uniben Auditorium I decided to chill at one of the school's field with my pal - Osamudiamen.

The weather was cool as it rained the previous day and there was light showers earlier that morning. We sat on a hilly part of the field watching some guys play soccer beneath.

Life seemed so perfect, no stress or worries. We talked about nothing serious but still had an enjoyable conversation. Sometimes we'd be quiet, those times when I’d soak in the moment with memories of my days in school rushing back. Boy! I really miss school. School was damn safe. Though back then I thought getting the best grades was the biggest problem in the world. Honestly being out in the world is quite toughhustling and trying to make something out of life, where one needs to work hard with so much responsibility and social pressure on you to be someone and make cool caseven if you are miserable with your profession or get bored with daily life routine. *sigh 

Anyway I really loved the atmosphere, the unforced conversations, the freedom and lack of care for anything. I wished I could pause time, spend eternity in that moment and be happily free, forget about work and shii, just savor nature at its best while doing one of my favorite past times activities - watching people as they walk by. 

It was a perfect setting, save for the lack of good music and definitely FOOD!! Well, that would be more of junk food though - say maybe ice cream, sharwama, chicken and chips...scratch that, no chicken. I have been trying this ‘pseudo vegan’ stuff lately (I invented that term). I have gone a week without eating meat and the change has been really impressive. My body feels so much lighter. I read about Beyonce's 22 day vegan diet so I thought maybe I'll try something close. At first it was really hard abstaining from meat especially with the way the cafeteria women at my branch brandish the turkey and assorted meat during lunch time. Sometimes I end up eating five pieces of meat! 

Anyway, I know I need protein, so I have decided to stick with fish (not really a fan of fish except its barbecue with chips). I told my colleague I was going pseudo vegan, she laughed so hard I felt challenged. First week she won as I ended up eating meat. My love for shaki and liver tho.*sigh. Second week I got it right. Last Sunday I didn’t eat meat! Monday morning I woke up sharp with my body feeling so light...

I feel so cleansed sort of, I’m currently trying to avoid eating late at night, though I can't resist not eating the kpekere chips I have stuffed my fridge with while watching movies on my laptop at night after work or on Sundays when I read books. I won't act like I’m going to stay off meat totally, 'cus the way that turkey was calling me today during lunch...choi! I had to leave the cafeteria quickly before I lost control. Maybe I'd do two weeks in a month without meat then two weeks of meat till I strike a balance or something…

My weight still fluctuates but it's not so bad anymore or maybe people are used to the new me with the extra weight they no longer draw my attention to the weight gain. Well, the they still say my back is getting bigger *palm in face

See, this life is beautiful for reals. Little things we take for granted are actually what makes life beautiful. Music, good food, quiet company, movies, laughter, great company, books, games or comfortable silences with the ones we love or just chilling on a field enjoying nature in its purest form while listening to good music especially a song like The time of my life by David Cook or a more melancholy song like Innocence by Avril Lavigne.

“I get lost in the beauty of everything I see
The world ain’t half as bad as they paint it to be
If all the sons, all the daughters stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now, yeah
Well, maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then…”  
- Come Home by One Republic

Honestly, ambition is a female dog! Ugh! I was watching a movie (Two night stand). There was this scene where the guy ranted about ambition. He totally said all that's on my mind. Seriously life is so much easier and peaceful without ambition. Here's what he said - 

“Ambition is such bullshit. Seriously, it’s just chasing vapor, like… 
Whatever it is that you think that you need, like that job or that gold star, blue ribbon, fancy desk, nice office, like it doesn’t… like once you get that, you’re gonna be confused because you’re not gonna be as happy as you thought you were going to be. 
Then you’re going to be sitting there being like, "why aren’t I happy? I have this… I got the desk.“ 
Because, man, there's another desk. Like there’s always going to be something more that your ambition is telling you that you need. So it’s the next thing, and then when you get that, then there’s another thing. 
It’s an endless cycle. You’re forced into retirement. You’re kicking and screaming. The next thing you know, you’re in a big house, you’ve got four-and-a-half bathrooms, you don’t even have a ping-pong table and you’re dead.” 
— Alec (Two Night Stand, 2014)
Anyway, easy for me to agree ba? I can read your mind. I see you sneering saying I should wait till I am married and I have school fees to pay and Christmas clothes to buy for four kids....heheehe 

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid