Stillness.
I doubt I have craved
anything more than my age-old desire for an extended period of quietness. To be
able to count my breath as each second passes without feeling like I am racing
against time. To have a prolonged period of rest without the pressure of meeting
deadlines. To exist, just be, frozen in time; days on days with nothing in
particular to accomplish.
I remember how this
year started in fast forward for me. Work was a marathon, chasing back to back transactions.
This actually started in October last year, reaching a peak in February. The
Christmas break was more or less a haze, swept past without me savouring the
festivities. Work was crazy and the months went in a flash, leaving me burnt
out ending February.
It took a lot of mental
strength trying to balance life and work. The one thing that kept me sane was
my holding on to my planned trip during Easter. I drew strength each day from
looking forward to that escape. The thrill of visiting a new country, relaxing
on a beach with all cares forgotten and eating airplane food after several
months of not flying (I actually miss
airplane food served during International flights, weird I know).
But then, Covid-19 became
a global problem. It was easier seeing on the news how other countries were
battling the virus, that sense of nonchalance when disaster seems far from
home. Then an index case was discovered in Nigeria and shit got real.
I ended up spending my short
leave slated for the Easter break at home, flights grounded worldwide and
travel plans cancelled.
A lot has changed and
we are all basically winging life through strange times. From the initial panic
and everyone being on edge, to dealing with boredom while at a loss as to how
to navigate this new territory. Initially when the lockdown started, everyone
seemed to be throwing themselves at different things; online challenges, video
calls, hours online and whatever just to pass time.
I think things have slowed as we have all realized this might be the new normal for quite a while. Some persons have settled into the new isolated life, others are still struggling. Personally, at times I have a hang of it all, other times I’m lost/clueless. General nonchalance about the seriousness of the virus is beginning to set in and I foresee a collapse of the lockdown order (if it gets extended further) as economic realities bites harder since our government has failed to provide palliatives to the vulnerable.
Initially, I loved the
rest and extra free time that came when the lockdown started. Though a part of
me felt guilty I was relaxing too much and wasting precious time. I continued reading
the book I was on before the pandemic, spent more hours watching movies and
series, as well as exploring music.
One week into the stay
at home/work from home I got bored. My entire being began to revolt. On a normal
day, I’m an introvert and I love being indoors, but I felt restricted sort of,
like this wasn’t me staying indoors because I wanted to. I guess when choice is
taken from you, it’s never the same.
The haze that was February
was suddenly forgotten. Staying indoors began to take so much effort. I found
myself downloading houseparty, making video calls, doing things on a normal day
I won’t do. I had to talk to myself when I realized I had consumed the amount
of data I used for a month in just 15days. Then I knew I was going about the
lockdown the wrong way. My rule is, when I’m indoors I should be saving money
(as far as I am not doing online shopping).
I saw that infamous post circulating on social media -
This got me a bit
angry. I mean, the motivational fanatics must always do the most. Really though,
people need to chill and learn how to enjoy rest. We must not be doing something
always, chasing this or that.
Just as Chude stated in his post, the lockdown is a gift wrapped up in a pandemic.
“I am receiving the gift of suspension.
I am not placing myself under undue pressure. I am resting. Like a lot of you
need to, especially if you can afford it.
If you haven’t had the time to catch
your breath for weeks or months or years, you have been given a gift, wrapped
up in a pandemic.” - Chude
It was until I read Chude’s post I realized this was a gift I was letting go to waste. I have long imagined what it would be like to take an extended break off everything. Not have a to-do-list to pursue daily, no work to go to in the morning or be on an itinerary when I’m on a tour.
I had to consciously accept
rest. I chose to bask in it. I was not going to feel guilty about doing
nothing. You know that feeling of guilt whenever you want to take a rest? We
need to dead the idea that relaxation is laziness or waste of productive time.
“I don’t want to rush all through the effort and the hard
work just to get to the end. It’s not a race. I’m not against anyone. This is
not a competition.
I don’t want to get to these milestones I dream about getting
to and find myself exhausted and so burnt out that I can’t enjoy the fruits of
hard work and sustained effort. I don’t want to be miserable at my most proud
moments.” – Jamie Varon
This pandemic has shown
that most of us don’t know how to rest. There is always something we are
chasing. What’s so wrong in deciding to do nothing? To take out time to rest
and savour the progress we’ve made in our journey.
“I never enjoy anything
I'm always waiting for
what's next
I think everyone's like
that...
Living life in fast
forward
Never stopping to enjoy
the moment
Too busy trying to rush
through everything
So we can get on with
what we are really supposed to be doing with our lives
I get these flashes of clarity
Brilliant clarity
where, for a second I stop and I think
Oh wait, this is it
This is my life
I better slow down and
enjoy it
Because one day we are
all gonna end up in the ground
And that will be it,
we'll be gone...” (Stuck in Love Movie, 2012)
I had to measure myself
after half a month of resting and not indulging in any serious tasks. After two
weeks of free styling each day, I decided to create a plan for myself, sort of
a quarantine routine.
The goal was to keep
myself on a self-development path after chilling resting for a few weeks
while also ensuring I didn’t overdo it. I gave priority to rest being that
working from home is almost a scam. There really is no boundary and I found myself
working at odd hours, weekends were not spared. I mean, you are working from
home so when really is your closing time?
The quarantine routine
was also necessary, because - “a little sleep,
a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest and poverty will come
to you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.” – Proverbs 6: 10 -14 and Proverbs
24: 33- 34 (yup, it’s repeated twice in the bible)
I wanted to be active
and not struggle aimlessly with boredom or idleness. Based on the arrangement
with my colleagues, I went the office twice a week and worked from home the
other days. This helped in lots of ways I didn’t think it would. I was able to
balance the lockdown period by going to the office twice a week. I can’t begin
to imagine what it’s has been like for those living in cities with full lockdown
for a month plus.
So far, I have successfully
read two hard copy books. One was a self-help book, the other a novel. I lost
count of the numerous online articles and blogs I read. I’m currently
studying/reading texts for a professional exam while cooking more often, and
using early morning chores or light workouts to gain clarity for the day.
One thing I love about
the quarantine routine I set up is, it prevented me from overindulging and
getting too comfortable with free time. This pandemic will not last forever,
soon enough it will be back to business. I’d hate to struggle to get back to my
routine when work resumes especially with the announced easing of the lockdown
by May 4. I’m expecting it will be back to daily work routine at the office. Hopefully
this isn’t a ticking bomb that’ll escalate to something terrible like how bad
Italy had it.
I am going to use this
last week of the lockdown to sort out my now distorted sleeping pattern, get
closure on the long hours of sleep I enjoyed and also psyche myself in
readiness for return to the fast lane office routine.
“Nothing I am spending my time on right now is
part of ‘the hustle’ or some tech bro ten step list to being productive. I feel focused because I know what is
important to me and I know how good it feels to take consistent, inspired
action.
The
intentions I have for my life aren’t for other people. It’s not to be
impressive or shiny, to be aspirational or prefect, to prove something to other
people.
It’s for my
own well-being, my happiness, my joy.
It’s for the
feeling I get when I act in a way that is loving toward myself.” – Jamie Varon
Weirdly, this period
got some of us learning the right pronunciation of quarantine. I can’t wait
till the term ‘social distancing’ is no more frequently used, God knows I’m
tired of hearing it. But till then, I’m keeping safe while trying to take
things easy and also cut down on news channels as that has proven to be a major
source of fear. Its okay to keep familiar with happenings in my immediate environment,
but to absorb news from every corner of the world about the pandemic is only
asking for panic and anxiety.
We need to pay
attention to our mental health this period and also be smart about our
finances. Cash is king, but doesn’t mean you should spend recklessly in the
name of surviving the pandemic and killing boredom. Prioritise rest, but also
be smart about how you overcome boredom. This is not the time to take up more debts,
try as much as possible to be prudent financially.
Also, wear your face
mask when you are outdoors, always.
This too shall pass and
we will come out stronger.
Love, Sayi
