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- Sayi
iyosayi14's Journal
Wednesday, 29 May 2019
Wednesday, 27 March 2019
CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF
After a long day at the office, I got down to my favourite
activity just before sleep comes: scrolling through Twitter to get updates on
what has been going on around the world. I use Twitter mostly as source of News
and an avenue to release all the crazy going on in my head. It’s also been
worthwhile as regards getting music referrals from the awesome music buddies I
have come to know on the app.
Anyway, that day I was spent both physically and mentally, I
needed to rant and get a few things out of my head. I tweeted something about
how I keep hearing nice stories about things happening for others, but such
never happens to me. Like I have to work hard for every damn thing and how I
needed a break from this narrative, even if it was just once.
I deleted that tweet a minute after. I had to tell
myself to shut up, literally.
You see, I let myself get lazy over the years. Even Reward
Davies saw my laziness and left me alone. I can’t fault him tho, my
indecisiveness must have made his head spin.
Looking back, I don’t have any regrets. I mean, on relocating
back to Benin in 2014, I could easily have started a Graduate program at
University of Benin and would have been done with it by now. But nah, I was
damaged from working in Lagos and I needed to take time off to recover. Which I
did, but I let it linger for far too long.
I was hiding under the excuse of ‘I’m not a hustler’. Don’t
get me wrong, I am still strongly of the opinion that ambition is such bullshit
which takes away happiness. I’ll still take contentment over ambition, but
there should be a limit to this. A thin line between contentment and laziness.
Anyway, like they say, it’s never too late to make a change.
No use regretting wasted time. I have already stated in my first blog post of
the year that in 2019, I am going to put myself in inconveniencing situations.
Those exams I have been avoiding, I would take them and I will prepare meticulously
for them.
Why did I delete my tweet? Because I knew for real, luck is
what happens when preparation meets opportunity. I am not naïve to ignore the
fact that some persons, really do have it all planned out for them, but that’s
just a few of the world’s richest population. Most of us need to actually put
in some level of work.
I mean, even those friends I was referring to, the ones doing
Masters abroad, or those that have left for other establishments all made a
move. Even Dr. Uyi who is also a believer in the ambition is bullshit movement,
I know the sacrifices he made to move to NY to practice medicine. I knew I was
being irresponsible, wanting those nice things to happen to me as well without
putting in the work.
I know I’m very good at ranting or should I say lamenting?
but to a large extent I will say I have been intentional in not losing the
essence of what life is about. My mind would always go back to 2016 when I had
a paradigm shift. It hit me I was just existing. I was there wishing on a star
for a better life. Constantly complaining about work stress and how it was
consuming me, till I woke up and knew I had to be intentional about creating my
own happiness.
“There comes a point
where you have to suck it up, and stop whining and start living” _ Callie
Torres (Greys Anatomy)
If I have been able to get it right as per my pursuit of
happiness, why then am I finding it difficult to change the status quo as
regards my career path?
January till date, I have been feeling stuck. Feeling like I am
in a place where I no longer belong. I have had same job function for Five
years plus now. God knows I desire a new path. As Makua aptly put it after reading
my lamentation on Instagram, he asked “Do you like your job or you just want to
experience another type of freedom?”
Here’s an excerpt from my post on Instagram –
‘My entire being
currently feels stuck in a place I don’t feel I belong to. I’m still having the
urge to tear it all up, burn it to the ground and start my life afresh. Cause
chaos and for once know what it’s like to live with uncertainty.’
This change I strongly desire would not come from wishful
thinking. I saw this tweet recently and it spoke volumes to me –
“If you want a better life, you have to be willing to pay the
‘true cost’ of a better life. Leaving behind old friends, bad habits, unhealthy
ways, saving money, making new connections, e.t.c” – @Nappyb0yy
The cost I have to pay to change my narrative if I am serious
about a new life path/journey is giving up my convenience. No more lazying
about, I have rested and I have healed from the scars of working in Lagos. I am
taking this post as me making a commitment to actually get up and do something
proactive to change things.
Even if I don’t succeed, or things do not work out as wished
for, I will be at peace knowing I did put in effort. That I made an attempt and
I worked towards not just one, but two paths I am interested in pursuing.
For now I am a bit confused as to which I truly desire but
nothing’s lost. I will chase all nevertheless and when it comes to the bridge
of deciding which to go for, I will cross it.
Peep this lyrics from my current favourite song -
“You got to get up
You got to get up and make a move
‘Cause the world will never see you until you do
No, they don’t really care what you’re going through
So you got to show them, baby
…
‘Cause everybody’s got their own damn problem
So everybody’s trying to find their way
And day by day is the struggle
In this world you know you have to hustle
Just know that you are not alone
You don’t always have to be strong all by yourself
I said, it’s okay to ask for help”
-
Like
you by Tatiana Manaois
“I don’t know how some
people can just accept what life gives them and be okay with that. I don’t care
if I have to struggle and go through the pain as long as it’s building the life
I see fit for myself, I’ll take it.” – Luis Garcia
It’s really quite simple though, if you dream about a certain
life, you gotta work towards making it a reality. Enough with the day dreaming
and get to work! This post is mostly for me, first as a commitment and also to
serve as a reminder I can fall back to just incase I derail and lose focus.
Also, I want to believe this can also help someone make a stand to kick
laziness to the curb and actively work towards that life envisaged.
I sincerely hope that a year from now, I’ll read this piece
and I’ll smile with pride because it would all be worth it.
“Be intentional, you
can’t afford to continuously let life happen to you. Figure out what you want
and all the small steps required for you to get there.” - @glory_osei
Tuesday, 26 February 2019
MUSIC REVIEW - MY TOP ALBUMS OF 2018
I spent a
better part of the month going through about 40 albums released in 2018. As
with previous years, my list usually comprises top 10 albums but this time
around, after reviewing and shortlisting 21 albums, I couldn’t but end the list
with Top 12 albums.
I need to
make it clear about the criteria I used. I draw my list strictly from personal preference
and experience with music. This list is made up of albums I could relate to,
those that saw me through dark times, those that broke me and yet put me
together still, albums with lyrical depth and obvious themes.
These
albums gave me life in 2018. Take note of the worthy mention category, those
albums are just as good as the Top 12.
12. Dan
+ Shay by Dan + Shay
Genre - Country
This
self-titled album is the third effort from Country music duo – Dan Smyers and
Shay Mooney. It’s my favourite country music album of 2018. The album has a
feel good dreamy flow that makes you think of the one who holds your heart.
When listening to the album, I always picture myself on a road trip with the windows
down, the air blasting into my face and the album playing at top volume while
my mind travels through memories made with that special one.
Favourite Tracks – Speechless, Tequila, What keeps you up at
night
11. Origins by Imagine Dragons
Genre
– Electropop
I will
always compare any new Imagine Dragon’s album to their debut album which was
and still is a masterpiece. Sadly, none of their follow up albums has been able
to meet same level of excellence. Origins feels like a continuation of their
previous LP – Evolve, though in itself, Origin boasts of some memorable
songs. I’ll say the band did well on this album, though it’s a typical Imagine
Dragon sound, nothing new per say. Songs like Boomerang and Stuck hit
home ‘cus this album came out at a time when I was struggling with moving on
from a broken relationship.
Favourite Tracks – Stuck,
Bad Liar, Boomerang, Birds
10. Bastian Baker by Bastian Baker
Genre – Country, Pop
I discovered
Bastian Baker last year when I took a risk in downloading his fourth album. I
was drawn by the album art and it was worth the data consumed. I remember the shiver
that went down my spine when I heard Time.
I sent the track - You Should Call Home to Kareem, this was his response – “I
practically stood still in the office after listening to this”.
Favourite Tracks – Time,
You Should Call Home, Another Day
9. Camila by Camila Cabello
Genre – Pop
I remember
wondering how 2018 was going to be music wise, then Camila dropped her debut solo
album fresh off her split from Fifth Harmony. The album started the year for me
and gave a promise that the year was
indeed going to be a good year for music. This was a good pop vocal album well deserving
of its Grammy nomination for that category.
Favourite Tracks – Never
be the same, Consequences, Something’s gotta give
8. Bridges by Josh Groban
Genre – Classical crossover
This album
couldn’t have come at a much better time. I discovered the song Granted when I was
dealing with a bit of quarter life crisis. I decided to get the full album and
it was a blessing to me. I remember that time I almost cried listening to
Bridge over troubled water (Simon and Garfunkel cover), not because of pain I was
dealing with but because one of my best pals was going through so much and
there really wasn’t anything I could do to ease the ache. If you are looking
for up-lifting music, you should get this album.
Favourite Tracks – Granted, Bridge over troubled water, River, Bigger
than us
7. Burn the Ships – For King & Country
Genre – Gospel Pop
What I love
about this album is that it’s not your typical gospel album, but still it
delivers messages that enriches the soul. The theme of the album focuses on
moving on from the past. Forgetting your past and fighting on. One of my favourite
lyrics on the album goes ‘Step into a new
day, we can rise up from the dust and walk away, we can dance upon our
heartache, so light a match, leave the past, burn the ships and don’t look back’.
Favourite Tracks – Burn the
ships, Fight on fighter, Control,
Pioneers
6. Only Love – Jordan Smith
Genre – Pop
I got to know
Jordan Smith from his The Voice Blind audition, where he blew everyone away
with his rendition of Sia’s Chandelier. He eventually went on to win the show. Smith’s
vocals on this album is fire. The lyrical content is excellent and impressively,
he co-wrote six of the twelve tracks on the album. The album track opener – Please and the closing track – Sleeve are sure to get your emotions
stirred up. Only love is another
stand out on the album, his vocals are sure to give you goose bumps. The vocal
runs on Feel good is another exciting
highlight on the album.
Favourite Tracks – Sleeve, Please, Find yourself with me, Only
love
5. The Greatest Showman OST by Various Artists
Genre
– R&B, Pop
The album
was released early December 2017, but only gained traction early 2018 and went
on to be amongst the top selling albums of 2018 (pure sales). Well, I’m also
grouping this album with the re-released Reimagined version that had A-list artists
cover all tracks on the album. Kelly Clarkson’s cover of Never enough is such a
delight. Sadly, a wrong artist was chosen to cover This is me. A Christina Aguilera
or Demi Lovato would have done the song justice than Kesha.
Favourite Tracks – This is me, Never enough, Rewrite the stars
4. Bad Together by Rozzi
Genre – R&B, Pop
I love it
when the message on an album is very clear and the songs have a flow, such that
it tells a story. Bad together is one album that delivers perfectly on this. It
tells the story of a relationship, from the start, through the bad times to the
end of the relationship. This album was released after my break up. Having something
I could relate to gave me comfort. My favourite track, Uphill battle felt like I
was staring into a mirror the first time I heard it. Two things you can’t ignore
on this album are Rozzi’s song writing prowess and her vocal talent.
Favourite Tracks – Uphill battle, Lose us, Bad together, 66
Days
3. A Star is Born OST – Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper
Genre – Country, Pop, Rock, Folk
I played
this album a thousand times, fell in love with it a hundred times over before I
even watched the movie. This album is a masterpiece and one of the best
Original Soundtrack Albums out there. The stand out song on the album - Shallow has won an Oscar, a Golden globe
and two Grammy awards.
The only
downside I’ll say is the addition of the dialogues from the movie to the album.
Favourite
Tracks – Shallow, Heal Me, Before I cry
2. Look up Child by Lauren Daigle
Genre – Gospel
This album
saved me. I found rescue and peace from this album during one of my most trying
times of 2018. Going through tough/dark and looking for something to motivate
you to keep going on, to not give up on yourself? This is the album for you. One
thing that also stands out on this album is the song arrangement. The message
on each track flows perfectly into the next, taking you to the next level of strength.
I love how the songs go from you realizing you can’t do it on your own, to acknowledging
Him as anchor and then the final surrender. The album is a journey to safety.
I wasn’t
surprised the album won a Grammy for Best Contemporary Christian Music Album
and the stand out song on the album – You
say won Best Contemporary Christian Music Performance/song.
Favourite
Tracks – You say, Everything I need, Love like this, Rescue
1. Only human by Calum Scott
Genre – R&B, mid-tempo Pop
Ever since
I heard Calum’s cover of Robyn’s Dancing on my own, I was on the lookout for
his debut album. His album was much more than what I wanted it to be. This is
an album of love and well…it was kinda the unofficial OST of my relationship in
2018 (sadly that’s over now).
My mind
always go back to good times when everything was rosy anytime I hear You are the reason and Hotel Room. Maybe I chose this as my best album of 2018
because of my sentimental attachment to it or well, maybe because Calum Scott
has that voice that carries so much emotions you can almost feel them listening
to him.
Favourite
Tracks – You are the reason, Dancing on my own, Hotel room, Not dark yet
BONUS
Birthplace
by Novo Amor
Genre – Indie
Ever since
I got this album, it has been my new go to album whenever I need to get lost in
a trance. The album takes me to a place where I feel like I’m floating with
nothing bugging my mind. Birthplace has
same calming effect on me like Coldplay’s Ghost stories album.
Favourite Tracks – Sleepless,
Anniversary, Repeat Until Death
WORTHY MENTIONS OF 2018
1.
Simisola by Simi
I have overplayed
this album so much Simi should be begging me for water to drink. One of the
best albums out of Nigeria in 2018. The lyrics, track arrangement, production
and of course Simi’s unique vocals makes for a complete work of art.
2.
Sex & Cigarettes by Toni Braxton
The Best
traditional R&B album of 2018 hands down!
3.
3 (The Purple Album) by Lukas Graham
This band forever
gets us reminiscing on our growing up phase. Love someone is definitely a
standout song on the album and one of my best songs of 2018.
4.
Forbidden by Todrick Hall
5. Ready (EP)
by Ruel
I wish
this was a full length album so we can be blessed with more of Ruel’s awesomeness.
DISAPPOINTMENTS OF 2018
1.
Everything is love by The Carters
By every
standard ‘Everything is love’ is a good Hip hop album, but like Uche said, how
can two greats come together to deliver such an average album. I mean its
Beyonce and Jay Z who have given us magic in the past like Crazy in Love, Déjà vu, Bonnie and Clyde, Upgrade u, Welcome to
Hollywood and Drunk in love. I have always imagined their joint album would
be explosive with several top Billboard Hot 100 hits. *sigh
2.
Electric Light by James Bay
This is
not the James Bay I fell in love with. I get he wanted to try another sound but
sadly it didn’t work out well.
3.
Glory Sound Prep by Jon Bellion
It feels
like blasphemy having Jon Bellion on the list of Disappointing albums but damn,
this album was a hot mess!
4.
Cage to Rattle by Daughtry
Should I take this as a bad break
up between Daughtry and Myself? I mean, their last two albums have not been all
that, but this one was the final nail on the coffin. I actually forgot they
released an album last year till I was making a list of albums I downloaded in
2018. Such a forgettable album.
Tuesday, 22 January 2019
ABOUT 30 (GROWING PAINS)
PS – this is
a long post.
I began 2018 saying I wasn’t ready to
be 30 years old. As the year progressed, I forgot about that ‘cus I had to step
up to the challenges life kept throwing my way. If asked to describe 2018 in
one word, it would be ‘Growth’. 2018 had me fighting for survival; it was
either I hardened up or I crashed out.
Life has a way of maturing someone.
It breaks you and moulds you into a stronger version of yourself. The growth
process is never really pretty. You go through the fire but you come out
stronger.
Some persons might be shocked after
reading this ‘cus I mean, from all the travel pictures, the seemingly happy
smiles, everything looked all so perfect. Like Odafi said after I let him in on
some of the stuff that plagued me last year, he said ‘funny how from afar
people think your life is perfect and have everything going for you’.
I saw this tweet sometime last year –
“I think the hardest part about adulting
is that the show must always go on. You could be going through the roughest
patches, in the basement of rock bottom with no sign of light, but you must
still show up and act your part and be good at it.” –@SenzyM
That was me a number of times last year.
I bet if any of my colleagues knew half of what I dealt with they’ll be stunned.
At first the year started with me learning to not let random unplanned expenses
bother me. I wrote about it when it became overwhelming.
I can deal with me being the one
going through pain, but when it’s a family member or close friend, where all I
can do is watch and hope for the best, that’s the worst. That kills me faster
than anything and that was what led me to my lowest point in 2018.
I remember running to the office to
find safety that Saturday. It always seems like once I step into the office, I
step into another world. Pascal called just after I got feedback from home
that things had stabilized. I was relieved, but my strength was gone, I was
mentally drained. He led me to the Catholic Church opposite my office where I learnt
first-hand the beauty and serenity that comes from sitting in an empty church.
Oh, the peace it brings upon troubled hearts.
This was ending April/beginning of
May and I was already tired of 2018. My major prayer point then was that God
should end the storms and make everything stop. I remember sometime in May/June
I had two family members hospitalized at the same time. Still, not one day did
I let it show at work. The only time someone would have suspected, was when I
couldn’t stay for my Branch Manager’s send forth. I had to be at the hospital,
but I think my colleagues took it as my normal anti-social ways.
****
The other half of the year seemed to
be much better and easier on me…It felt like I could finally breathe. Though
one or two issues here and there, but I had learnt to leave it all to God.
Things became calm till well, life decided to give me a lesson on relationships.
September was our first year
anniversary. I had for once completed a year in a relationship, but little did
I know it was to be the end of us. I have always said I am not a relationship
person. It took me unlearning a lot, dealing with so much, compromising so much
of me, all for what? To have my trust broken. We always see the cracks and
signs, but we stay, telling ourselves things will get better, but do they
really?
If I have no trust for you, then we’ve
got nothing. That’s my deal breaker. What I went through has made me even more
scared of marriage. I kept asking myself so if we had gotten married, that’s
how I would not have been able to break free? Seeing as I don’t have divorce amongst
my options.
Ever heard of the term gas lighting?
I hadn’t till it was done to me. It took me months to recover, to heal, forgive
and get back to being friends. I struggled with moving on, we tried to get back
together three or four times till we realised for real, it would never really
be the same again. Moreover, some fundamental issues we have always dealt with would
never be fixed. “There’s no use trying
when the pieces don’t fit anymore” - James Morrison.
For the first time in my life, I had
to deal with academic failure for real. I had a professional exam, which during
the course of the year I failed a paper twice. Even though I knew it’s mostly
due to me underestimating the course initially and then not following through
with my reading plans for the resit examination, my head still tried to mess with
me. I kept thinking maybe I am no longer good academically. My world stood
still for a minute when I saw the result that I had failed the paper the second
time.
And then December came. After smiling
all through November thinking I had finally found a peaceful ending to 2018, everything
came crashing down. I remember coming across the book (When God doesn’t make
sense) that helped me years ago through difficult times. My mind told me to
read it, but I moved away from the book, thinking to myself that I am not going
to read it before I subconsciously prepare myself for trouble. Boy, if only I
had known trouble truly was coming for real and I needed to prepare myself.
I mentioned earlier how the office
feels like a safe haven from my woes, but now the same office turned to my war
zone. December was nothing close to what I had hoped or prayed for.
I had the second worst experience of
my entire career last December. I cried…oh I cried twice self. I broke, my
heart bled, my head spun…but still I knew I had to show up and keep the work
going. I was smiling to customers but inside I was dying. “Smiling but we close to tears” – The Script.
I had met my target for the 2018 by
October and was basically cruising to year end. But first week of December, I
was the only one left in my team as two of my team members were on maternity
leave, my boss also started his annual leave. December that normally used to be
free, with low transactions turned out to be the busiest month of the year. Not
just because it was only me, but really there were so many transactions from
various customers. Even the customers tried to empathize with me, but the work
had to go on.
These transactions sadly were not the
type to bring in money, but rather were rapidly depleting my portfolio. I was helplessly
watching all I had worked for all year fade away. I was working my ass off, but
trying to ignore I had a mandate to transfer half of my balance sheet to
another bank. That was basically me kissing my promotion goodbye. I remember on
time, I was walking up the stairs after resolving some issues, going back to my
desk to meet more irate customers. I stopped on the stairs to catch my breath,
and then a tear dropped, just one tear. I wiped it off and told myself I had to
keep going, I was going to get my work done and sort my exploding head out that
weekend.
The weird thing was, that preceding
weekend I complained to Odafi about how I wasn’t at peace because I kept having
anxiety about something going wrong at the office.
At weekend, my team member, Eme
called to cheer me up. While we spoke I knew there was no need holding it in
anymore. I had to let it out, else I would not be able to face the coming week
and its pressure. So I broke, and I let the tears fall. I dropped the phone and
cried my heart out. I processed my pain and made peace with whatever was going
to happen.
I waited for December 31st
to come. I needed to feel free, to survive that financial year and have the
pressure stop so I can take a deep breath. The last two weeks of December were
not stable. One minute things were looking bright, the next minute everything
seemed to be falling apart. Well, thankfully the year ended on a very good note
and lines fell in pleasant places for me.
****
I thought I’d be happier but I still
wasn’t. I was numb. Dead inside from all the pain and madness I had gone
through. I felt relieved and grateful things ended well but yet I still felt
undone. Life really did a big one on me, took so much from me to survive
December and now I’m left hanging by a thread with my soul bruised.
I have been undergoing an online
training at the office titled ‘Finding your best’. I have learnt so much on
mindfulness, control and being calm in tough situations, focusing on things
within my control and working to be in the present more often. One of the
tutors said something important, she said
even after mastering the act of control, it doesn’t mean you will stop being
human, that there won’t be disappointments or frustration situations. What
matters is how you handle it.
It’s almost like there is no aspect
of my life that I wasn’t stretched on in 2018. Looking back it feels like 29yrs
was a training year, prepping me and building me into an adult. Yes, age is
just a number, but we can’t deny that the 30yrs means so much. It feels like a
major turning point, a major milestone in life that ushers one into the path of
who you truly are and what the rest of your life is likely going to be about. It’s
almost as if, the teen years and twenties are your years of testing the waters,
figuring out who you are and who you want to be. Stepping into the big 30,
feels like now the true life race has started.
I had to fill a form at the hospital
recently. There was a column for age, I absent mindedly wrote 30years. The
moment I did, I had to take a pause, ‘cus seeing it in ink made me realise it
was real. To be honest, I forget at times I am now 30 years old. I mean, this
young looking chap is 30? I don’t even feel it.
But it is, and seeing it in ink made me feel the weight of it all. This
is me, this is a new decade, the realization that I am now heading towards
forty. Whew!
I had to change my ringtone recently.
I realised that whenever my phone rang, I always feel a bit tensed. The
ringtone brought back bad memories of the pain I went through in December. My
phone was always ringing constantly, and 90% of the calls were customers
calling with one issue or the other. If I even hear that song I used as
ringtone then, there is a good chance the horrible memories of December 2018
will come flooding back. Sadly, that was one of my favourite Daughtry songs.
I deactivated my social media
accounts. I needed to shut out the noise and needless distractions. Focus on
myself and heal completely from 2018. This post was supposed to have been
written and posted by 31st December. But I was too torn apart to
bring myself to write. I told myself I wasn’t going to pressure myself or rush the
healing process. I needed to relax and I found myself sleeping a lot. I realized
it was not only my mind that needed healing, my body too needed it.
I am tagging it my path to
self-rediscovery. I need an adventure to cleanse the bitter taste of life from
my soul. Something exploratory, like hiking or camping for days in a remote
location where I’d be cut off from city life. A trip that’ll afford me the
opportunity to dig deep within me, push my body beyond limits, have a sweet
time with nature and rejuvenate my soul, excite myself back to life.
One thing I learnt from the online
training is that to build confidence, you have to expose yourself to tough and
uncomfortable conditions. That’s the only way one can grow. I have decided that
those things I have been running from, telling myself I am protecting myself, I
have decided to go for them. Life happened to me last year and placed me in
uncomfortable situations which I had to grow through but this time, I am going
to intentionally challenge myself.
One thing I know that helped me a lot
last year to keep sane and maintain balance was my passion/hobbies –
photography, music, traveling, writing and reading. I have since learnt that even though we live in a commercialised
society, it is important for one to carve out time for those experiences that
gives us restorative flow. Even though I am not making money from my
passions (for now), they are serving an important purpose of keeping me
balanced and energized.
Life may seem overwhelming for the
now, but I am already on my recovery path. It feels like 2019 has not yet started
for me, like I still have a lot of sadness and pain from 2018 I have to do away
with. I’m thankful for friends who I can talk to when it’s really so overwhelming
and it feels like my head is going to explode. Then my mind starts drifting to
that unhealthy place where all I think of is how it would have been better if I
wasn’t born. I want to make everything stop, even if just for a minute so I can
breathe, clear my head, sort things out but time and life waits for no one.
“And I’m wishing we could slow it
down
But time keeps running faster than it
used to
I can’t get used to faster…it keeps
going faster
Than I want it to…than I’m used to
Faster…it keeps going faster”
-
Bastian Baker (Time)
It feels as
if I have been fighting my whole life, struggling to survive so many demons
that keep changing faces as I grow older. The dark days have different looks
but yet the sunken feeling is all so familiar. Maybe someday I’d win the war,
but deep down I fear that one day my mind may finally break and I’d have to end
it all, but on the bright side I guess I’d finally find some peace.
But for
now, while I still have the power to fight, to hope for sunny days and
rainbows… I’ll focus on recovering from all that 2018 did to me. I’ll try to fix
myself while hoping and praying 2019 will be nicer to me and the 30s also will go
easy on me as well.
Psalm 61:2 – ‘from the
end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to
the rock that is higher than I.’
****
UPDATE – I got better.
I wrote this post while I was feeling
low, I was crashing and I knew I needed to let it out. I took three
days off work, took a road trip to Lagos, attended my close pal’s wedding, saw
close friends who I could talk with, then went to the beach to have some me time.
The trip was therapeutic. Listening to music, allowing the fresh air blow into
my face (sometimes window down is way better then AC while driving). The ocean
healed me. I allowed the water wash over my feet as I sat on the sand allowing the
waves threaten to sweep me into the ocean.
When the night began to fall I had to
retreat but continued my moment of solitude gazing into the sea, processing
everything and clearing the clutter from my head. I finally had a moment to
breathe. I left there fully aware I was whole.
I came back to Benin City feeling
alive and ready to take on 2019. It feels like my year just began, everything
feels so much easier, like all I can see is sunshine. The dark phase is over
and I’m optimistic about the year, hopefully 2019 would be much nicer and
easier on me. I’m still looking forward to that adventure filled trip,
somewhere remote that’ll give me an extended time with nature, something out of
my routine that will give me a thrilling experience and excite me back to existence
100%.
If only we had facilities in Nigeria
where one could check into when life feels overwhelming, a place different from
our routine with professionals who can design a recovery program, but well, we
have to make do with what we have.
I’m glad that over the years I have come to understand myself and know when to stop, when to take a deep breath, shut out the world and follow through with my recovery path to rejuvenate myself.
I’m glad that over the years I have come to understand myself and know when to stop, when to take a deep breath, shut out the world and follow through with my recovery path to rejuvenate myself.
Yes,
it gets heavy and really dark, and most times I hate I am wired this way but it
is what it is and I have to deal with it. I’m thankful for the support system I
have found in few good friends, even though most don’t get it, but having them
there to listen has been enough.
One thing though, not every low
feeling is depression. I get we are only beginning to create awareness about
mental health in Nigeria, but then sadness and feeling of being burnt
out/overwhelmed with life should not be mistaken for depression. I get they are
very similar, but from the little knowledge I have about this, I think it’s
important they are not confused with each other in order for proper care to be
given in managing each.
Right now, I’m thankful for my
recovery, I feel healthy and better and much lighter upstairs. At least I know
when I smile and laugh now, I no longer go silent afterwards feeling hollow or
feeling like a fraud that I’m smiling/laughing when within me I don’t feel
alright. Right now I laugh and smile peacefully and it feels pleasant and genuine.
I pray this lasts and doesn’t fade
away so soon…