#np:
Unsteady - X-ambassadors
It hurts
terribly when all you can do is watch while the people you care about go
through pain.
There
are things money can solve, but then there are also things money can’t solve. Those
are the ones that hurt the most. Words can only go far in soothing pain.
We
all have challenges in life, but some people have a greater measure...
They
say ignorance is bliss. I agree. Sometimes not knowing gives you an easy way
out. Being in the dark protects you.
Most
times I tend to stay away, I try not to get close. I don't ask questions or
want to know, not because I don't care,
but because I know how messed up I can be emotionally. I hate seeing people
go through difficulty, worse is when I’m in a helpless position to ease the
pain.
There
was a day I had to use my colleague's driver to go on a call. I was in a chatty
mood that day. I felt like bonding with the driver. A young chap, agile and all
(he is about four years older than me). I wanted to understand why he settled
for driving at a young age when he could have tried some other more lucrative
stuff.
I
started by asking if he was married. He said he was. Then I asked if he had
kids. He did; ‘three kids.’
We
continued talking. He said he has been married for three years and I was like
and you have three kids? So every year you were popping them out?
He
said his wife had triplets but two of them died.
That
moment I perished inside.
I
went numb, not because he said two are dead, but because initially he said he
has three kids. He obviously isn't over the loss of the kids. He still
considers them. God!! People are hurting and going through pain in this life!
What
kills me is our African culture of not knowing how to process pain. All we know
how to say is God knows best, take heart, you are a man. Crap! Crap! Crap!
People
are hurting and dying within themselves every day, hour, minute, second…. It's
sad how we pay little importance to mental health in Nigeria.
I
managed to mumble my condolence about the death of his kids then fell silent
for the rest of the drive. I got reminded why I try not to get close or ask
questions. Really, not knowing is the easy way out.
When
I let someone in, I tend to let them in completely and I carry their hurt and
pain like it's mine. I want to make them not feel pain, so imagine how horribly
I feel when I see them hurting and I can't take away the hurt.
Some
weeks ago my good friend, a married man, over forty years cried in my presence.
My heart bled and it sucked so much because I couldn't reach out. We were in an
open place and I knew he could use a hug but because of how messed up our
society is, I couldn't even hold his hands, let him know he isn't alone or let
him know I’ve got him.
Seeing
those tears broke my heart into pieces and all I could think about is how
unfair life is. He is the most humble and nicest person I know yet life has
brought him to his knees.
He
confided in me and told me how he was in so much pain one day, crying in front
of his wife and he prayed aloud that since God doesn't want to take away his
pain, he should just kill him but then he remembered his children...
I
have four younger ones I care so much about. The lemons life has thrown them is
enough to make drums, not even jars of lemonade. It breaks my heart because all
I can do is talk and ask how they are doing, do one or two things to make them smile. But what they are going through, I may
never be able to fully understand or comprehend. Sometimes I find myself wondering
why isn't it me? Or if it were me how would I feel? Or how would I have handled
it?
When
they are down, I'm down. I've never really told them expressly but their pain
is my pain. If I could, I would have taken their place.
Back
then in university, I went through dark periods, suicidal thoughts and several
periods of mood swings and depression. I had those days when I’d go to bed with
a heavy heart. I’ll manage to sleep off and the pain goes away. I wake up
feeling lighter and for a few minutes the world is fine. Then I remember…that
moment a dark shadow falls over me and the hurting resumes.
This
I went through all on my own, till I finally opened up to a few friends I was
lucky enough to meet. I survived it but I lost something in the process. I
became withdrawn and secluded. I grew up in a Christian family where prayers
are supposed to make everything alright. It is faith above science (instead of
both working together).
I was
dealing with things I couldn't talk to any member of my family about. I got
withdrawn gradually. I was lucky to find friends who I could talk to. The truth
is, there is science and there is faith. I believe in God and I also believe He
gave us science to apply in our daily lives. (I’ll leave this for another
post).
During
my dark days, I withdrew from my family because they didn't get me, prayers
weren't what I needed. Since they wouldn't have understood, I had to seclude
myself because I feared if they got too close they will see through me and see
all my demons which I know they wouldn't understand.
Now
this is affecting me badly. My younger one is hurting but I can't be there
because we don't talk about those kind of things. All I do is watch from the
distance and hurt and wonder, trying to figure what's going through that mind.
This
is someone that looked all set for life, everything was going well and then
life happened and everything totally changed course. Each day my mind drifts to
the thought of what if things were different? I have to consciously kill such
thoughts because I know they are not of any good.
Life happens; things change and we find ourselves in a
whole new territory. We either wallow in self-pity and completely lose out on
life or we chose to ride it and fight on.
When
the issue was really bad, I wouldn't ask for results of the tests. I didn't
want to know what the doctor said or what the options were. Oh wait, at first I
did. But I realized I was losing it. It got to a point that my elder ones even
began cautioning me as they felt I was now even becoming a bigger source of
concern.
"My weakness is that I care too much”
- Scars (Papa Roach)
I
decided to step back and not know. When I leave the house I’m a totally
different person. I laugh, I joke and I’m ever smiling. I've mastered the art
of not letting my pain show.
I’m
at a dilemma, do I keep my sanity safe by not knowing or do I reach out and
then have my emotions tear me down?
Lately
though, I decided to stop running. Get involved, but not too involved. What
I’ve learnt is that the major thing about surviving pain or any situation we
find ourselves is how we manage ourselves, our minds especially.
Thankfully
things have improved a lot and I too have improved from living on the edge,
thinking that one day it would all come crashing and we will back to where we
began. Unconsciously I see myself counting the months things have been fine,
trying to keep my hope going. Trying to not care too much but how can I not?
Not
knowing gives ease, makes it easier for you to deal. But then, there are so
many people out there hurting that need someone to lean on...
Not
knowing is an easy way out but it’s not the best. No matter how much it hurts,
we should strive to be there for others.
‘Being
there for others, because you know what it’s like to not have anyone there for
you…’
