Sunday, 17 August 2014

BrEakiNg YoUr oWn hEaRt

Is it possible to know right from the very first meet that you'd definitely fall so deep in love with someone?

Maybe it's a sudden attraction you feel, and you know if you continue it's going to develop into something so strong.

Of course there are plenty of things to consider before going into something serious with someone, factors that'll determine if it would work. Maybe stuff like religion, age, genotype, individual preferences, likes and dislikes, distance, tribe or just anything that's a determining factor on if you two would work out.

You do a mental cross check and you realize you are not going to be compatible. The question is what next? If you stay you'd only fall deeper and it would become even more hurtful for you sooner or later. If you leave now how would the other person feel?

What of unrequited love? You realize the person is unavailable and could never love you the same. Do you stay? Knowing full well you'd fall even deeper for the person? Do you walk away? Be selfish and save your heart the future pain of not being loved back. Not caring if the other party would feel bad they've lost a potential good friend?

Have you been down this road before? Is this the same way you handled this? Walked away from the very start? Did you tell them why you were leaving or you just disappeared? Or did you sabotage the friendship on purpose?

Or did you stay? Try to ignore the feelings. Did you say the way you felt and still tried to manage the feelings? Did you both try to work a way around it even though all you longed for was to be more than just friends?

Was there drama? A lot of thinking? Walking in cycles? Telling yourself you have to walk away, you go today and next week you are back because even though you want to stay away, your heart still yearns for their company?

"If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal" - Everything Changes (Staind)

Do you feel you are back to walking that same road? That you are going to make a mess out of it all again, just like you always did in the past?

Something inside wants you to do it better this time around. You really want to handle it well but you don't know how. You've started making the same mistakes. Your head is clogged. You desire love. Unkissed. Lonely. Vulnerable.

No excuses of wanting to focus on studies, of wanting to start a career. Now you are of age but lo...where's the love now you are ready to love? Just one person and you'd be okay. But then you look around and all you see is people below 'standard', your standard. "You've built your wall so high, no one can climb it" - Beneath your beautiful (Labrinth ft Emeli Sande)

Maybe you should just give up on love, but you weren't wired that way. Maybe you should lower your taste? No? You can't settle. The right one is out there somewhere, it's just a matter of time. But for how much longer can you wait?
Just when you seem to meet the right one, it all comes crumbling down right before your very eyes.

"You're all alone in the dark
You're breaking your own heart
Taking it too far down the lonely road
You say it's just one love
But when it's close enough you just let it go
The very thing you've been the most afraid of
You've been doing it from the start, breaking your own heart..." Breaking your own heart (Kelly Clarkson)

You are ready to love, ready to feel, to build a life with someone. Ready to make memories of you two. But yet again you are a loner in love. Just a day with this amazing person you met, so much laughter and fun at the cinema. Perfect song on the car stereo (say maybe, John Legend's All of you). You take a look at the other and you see the future. You feel your heart melt, this is the one but you know better... you'll only be seen as a good friend.
Your heart breaks and you remember how you warned yourself never to go on such outings with the 'unavailable'

Maybe after all, love is not for everyone.

All takes me right back to this my previous blog post...

Wednesday, 13 August 2014



"It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.

In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose......

I Choose Love...
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I Choose Joy...
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstances. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical...the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I Choose Peace...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I Choose Patience...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of yelling at the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I Choose Kindness...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.  Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I Choose Goodness...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse.

I Choose Faithfulness...
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.

I Choose Gentleness...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I Choose Self-Control...
I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will not, rule the eternal. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ.


To these, I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest with the peace that passes all understanding.   (Philippians 4:7)

Culled from The Daily Encourager

Sunday, 3 August 2014

OUT OF SIGHT is truly out of mind...

In one of my final year courses (can't remember the course title now), we discussed on the topic Conflict resolution. One of the most effective methods of conflict resolution we were taught is Separation.

I think a major mistake most people make is thinking they can force the whole reconciliation process. Hurt takes time to heal, forgiveness needs time to be effective. It's one thing to forgive but it's not realistic expecting the hurt and pain to be forgotten immediately at the snap of a finger sort of like magic.

People at times need time to move past bad experiences and like they say, out of sight is out of mind. Say Mr. A and B are fighting and Mr. C comes in as the peacemaker. Mostly the way we work is, we expect them to talk stuff out, each says the story the way he sees it. Mr C, the mediator listens, offers his advise and admonishes them to let by gones be. They should shake hands, forget and be friends again. Well, works sometimes but not all the time.

Sometimes, time apart may be needed for perfect peace and healing to be. Especially well, when the wrong done bites so deep.

Sometimes you try to forgive someone, you forgive but you just can't seem to shake off the feeling of hurt. As much as you try, there's this feeling, can't really explain it but it just doesn't feel right. It gets worse when you see the person or remember... Those times what do you do? Try avoiding the past? Try to forget? All goes back to out of sight is out of mind.

Those things you put up with for the sake of friendship, I mean, no one's perfect right? You have to tolerate each other's flaws and shortcomings. But how much really can we tolerate? Why suffer ourselves to be around someone who continually causes our heart pain? Is friendship all worth it?

You try your best to move past it and forgive but it's not so easy considering you keep being reminded of their atrocities. Today you forget and you are pals, then something happens and you are reminded afresh. Could be anything or maybe the person does something almost similar, say you got hurt by a cheating partner.

That relationship can never be same again, there'd always be that bit of suspicion and doubt. You can never fully trust your partner again. So any slight suspicious move (even when it's innocent), takes you right back to the pain of knowing the person you trusted betrayed you.

Sometimes to keep one sane and help ease one's self of pain, it maybe an easy cheap way out but I'd quickly go the shortest road to peace of mind, I'd say separation is an effective way of conflict resolution.

Maybe when time has finally healed your heart and you begin to miss the other, maybe then you'd be ready to rekindle your friendship. Let time take all the time it needs to heal you. There's no need forcing total forgiveness. There's a big difference between staying away for peace sake and keeping malice. Truth is most people don't even know the meaning of malice. Malice according to my dictionary is harbouring wicked thoughts towards another.

The lyrics of Beyonce's Resentment...these words of the song express exactly how I feel right now concerning a situation I am with someone. Well the song's about a cheating lover but these words extracted captures my feelings perfectly well..

I wish I could believe you then I'll be alright
But now everything you told me really don't apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment

Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain't the same
And it's all because you lied
I may never understand why
I'm doing the best that I can
I tried and I tried to forget this
I'm much too full of resentment

I feel so much better now though still feel a bit hurt by the actions of my friend but with time, I don't know how long it would take, time apart would really help me out and someday I'll get over it but having a hundred percent trust again? That I can't say. The thing about fixing a broken mirror is, you can still see the cracks.

Writing truly is therapeutic and well, good music that the lyrics captures my mood.