Thursday, 13 April 2017


Growing up, I noticed I was emotionally different from most. It’s been a long journey of self-discovery and learning how to manage my emotions while also trying to understand why I am the way I am.

Human inter-relationship has never been one of my strongest aspects. Being different from others is sure going to lead to misconceptions and opinions from others.  As hard as I tried to make people understand why I seemed complicated, I too was going through a phase. I felt unstable, sometimes lost, alone and different.

I kept asking myself - Why was my life so difficult? Why couldn’t it be as easy and carefree like my peers? My teenage years were so hard and lonely, trying to understanding myself, trying to define who I am and see exactly where I fit in. I have lost count of the number of times people have called me odd or weird.

I have read various articles and books on personality types seeking an understanding of who I am. To a large extent I got clarity on who I am – a loner, a melancholic to a very large extent, an introvert who suffered from chronic mood swings and depression (Thankfully those days are behind me). But still, I still didn’t feel like I had hit the nail on the head in terms of knowing where I fit in.

After all these years I finally got it when Reward forwarded me a piece on INFJ’s.  It gave me clarity and in Rewards words…validation for why I am how I am.  It made me feel normal knowing there were actually other persons like me out there even if we account for just about 3% of the world’s population.

One thing I always had a hard time explaining to people is why all of a sudden I keep quiet or shut down and stay away from certain persons. People always tagged it malice, but I knew it wasn’t. Those times when I’d try to argue with them and let them understand it wasn’t malice, the frustration when they just couldn’t understand…*sigh

Reading this article made me feel normal ‘cuz it perfectly explains everything I have always wanted people to understand about me.

It’s my utmost desire that certain persons would read this post and understand me finally. Hopefully this would go a long way in helping my relationship with them. Though I know this doesn’t excuse the fact that at times I actually push people away and cause sabotage….


The door slam is when an INFJ suddenly cuts off all contact with someone. It might be a friend, significant other, co-worker, or family member. In other words, one day the INFJ is in your life, and the next day, they’re not. It’s been said that when INFJs get hurt or angry, “they don’t hate you, they nothing you.” For the INFJ, removing someone from their life is a self-protective measure to stop the emotional pain.

If you’re an INFJ (or you have an INFJ in your life), here are 7 things you should know about the INFJ door slam. These may not be true of every INFJ, but I believe they are generally true:

1. INFJs usually slam the door only as a last resort. If they’ve cut off contact with someone, it’s because they saw no other way to stop the pain. INFJs tend to be patient and forgiving of others’ shortcomings — but even they have their breaking point.

2. When an INFJ cuts off contact, the other person might not realize it right away. That’s because INFJs tend to slip away quietly. INFJs probably won’t announce their intention to door slam. (“That’s it, we’re no longer friends.”) Rather, they’ll simply find ways to spend less time with the other person; they’ll stop answering their texts or they’ll say no to invitations to hang out. (Obviously, it’s different if the INFJ is breaking up with a significant other; in this case, there will have to be a conversation.) Whenever possible, INFJs prefer to simply disappear, calling as little attention to their departure as possible.

3. In many cases, the INFJ door slam is justified. INFJs tend to be “nice” people who listen with empathy, care deeply about others, and have a strong desire to help. For these reasons, INFJs can attract emotionally needy friends or partners. INFJs may even find themselves drawn to toxic people, wanting to help or heal them. After a while, these unbalanced relationships become draining and damaging, and the INFJ must cut them off to save their sanity.

4. However, sometimes immature INFJs will door slam without trying to resolve the root problem first. Instead of talking to the other person about how they feel, INFJs may bottle up their feelings until they can’t take it anymore, then simply cut off the offending party. The other person is left not knowing what happened or what they did wrong. Mature INFJs have learned that no one is perfect and that they can’t constantly cut people out of their lives — otherwise, there will eventually be no one left. They learn to be more assertive and stand up for themselves; they find ways to resolve the root problem so they can maintain the relationship (if it’s a good one and worth holding onto). They set boundaries and discover how to interact with others in ways that work for them. For example, they might say to themselves, “I’ll go to her toddler’s birthday party, but I’ll only stay for an hour or two, because that’s all I can take.” Or, “I enjoy chatting with this person at work, but they don’t need to become a part of my inner circle, and that’s okay.” Most important, as INFJs mature, they learn to trust their intuition to avoid getting involved with toxic people in the first place.

5. Post-door slam, INFJs may feel compelled to cleanse their life of anything that reminds them of the other person. They may delete photos of the two of them from social media or throw away gifts from the other person. (No joke, when I broke up with my first boyfriend and wanted him out of my life for good, I buried a box in my backyard of trinkets and notes he had given me.) INFJs may feel better after doing some type of ceremony that gives them closure.

6. They say that when an INFJ slams the door, it can never be opened again. This may be true in some situations, especially when the INFJ has been hurt very badly or repeatedly. INFJs are emotional and sensitive, and sometimes the pain is just too much. Also, INFJs may keep the door closed if they recognize that the other person is an unhealthy force to have in their life. But in some situations, the door can be “re-opened.” After some time has passed, the INFJ’s anger may fade, and they may see the situation with fresh eyes. If the INFJ and the other person can talk about what happened, there is a chance that the relationship can be repaired. At this stage, it’s important that the INFJ is able to speak freely about how the other person’s words or actions made them feel; in order for healing to begin, INFJs must first get their feelings out. If the offending person seems to understand the INFJ’s hurt and regrets what they did, they INFJ will likely forgive them.

7. Above all, to avoid an INFJ door slam, be kind. The words you speak and the little things you do matter greatly to an INFJ. Also, INFJs need to feel like their decisions are respected and their emotions are heard. Treat an INFJ with kindness and respect, and the door will never be slammed.

Culled from

Tuesday, 4 April 2017


#np: Have You Ever? – Brandy

“If you could love someone, and keep loving them without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurts too much to be anything else.”

― Sarah Cross, Kill Me Softly

I have realized I go through the same cycle each time I am trying to get over my feelings. I try not to initiate any form of communication. I don’t like calls, so calling is never a temptation. To avoid sending chats on Whatsapp, I have to delete the number. Then unfriend/unfollow on all social media outlets. After all, out of sight is out of mind. If I am not seeing your posts or pictures, slowly time takes its sweet time deleting you from my memory.

I silently hope she doesn’t initiate a chat or call to say hi, ‘cus I am very fragile when it comes to that. I could almost have forgotten about someone but once I see hello from them, all I have achieved trying to forget the person comes crumbling down and I am right back to where I started.

I used to worry about this cycle ‘cus it made me seem unstable. It’s one thing to decide to move on, but the heart rarely ever works in line with the brain. Even after deleting the number or unfriending on social media, I still have that one or two moments of momentarily weakness when I reach out. The next day I regret reaching out and it feels like all I have achieved trying to give space is wasted. At that point I have to start afresh... (It can be quite frustrating).

I thought about my ‘moving on cycle’ and I have decided not to beat myself about it anymore. It’s how I deal, how I move on. Instead of feeling unstable I have decided to accept it as my moving on process.

We all have our different coping mechanisms. Same way people react to things differently, its same way we all handle matters of the heart differently. This is the only way I know how to move on and it takes time for me to heal. I won’t allow myself feel inadequate or apologetic that I am not a robot who can just switch off his feelings at will.

One thing I have also realized is, for me to truly move on I must make my feelings known. Even when I know it’s headed nowhere, to truly move on, most times I have to let the other know how I feel. Until I inform them, I never really move on, I just suffer undue torture in silence.

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

― Federico GarcĂ­a Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

Do you ever wish or think at times, that maybe the love you feel should be enough for both of you? Ever loved someone so much but it’s like they don’t even know you exist? Still you feel the love so strongly, it’s almost bursting through your heart and you keep wondering how it is they don’t feel it too.

It’s weird when I think about it at times, how someone could love another so deeply but then it means nothing at all to the other person.

Have you finally found the one you’ve given your heart to?
Only to find that one won’t give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care…”
-       Have you ever? (Bandy)

     It’s a helpless situation. Sometimes I wish the feelings could go through air and plunge right into the heart of the other. Or the feelings could have this magnetic attraction such that the other person is drawn into perspective as well.  Unrequited love has got to be one of the worst things ever, sincerely.

“Unrequited love is the infinite curse of a lonely heart.”
― Christina Westover

      I think I am drawn to people who are not available or those I can’t have. At the office, more than half of my colleagues I interact with actually believe I have a thing for married women. But that’s not true.

     Truth is I never ever really notice their wedding band. It’s when I ask my colleague about them, that’s when I realize the lady is married (with kids). That’s how I was at one of our branches recently. I saw this calm looking lady carrying out her duties with such elegance and grace. She had me spell bound and I couldn’t help but admire her calm nature. Just the type I like; calm and reserved, not those loud or seemingly social types with so much energy I can’t keep up with, they end up leaving me worn out or totally drained.

    I asked my colleague if she knew her. She was about replying but then she paused and let out a mischievous laugh saying that the thing has caught me again. The lady I was asking about was married with a kid. Oh well…four times unlucky.

 “Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.”
― Carol Rifka Brunt, Tell the Wolves I'm Home

     My love has gone to waste again and I am in the process of moving on. I have deleted number like four times now. I feel drawn and in love but she’s taken.
     I am drawn to the messed up, those with issues/baggage. Their brokenness draws me to them and I develop this soft spot. Maybe it’s my natural tendency of providing solution that causes it, or the pain in me is comforted by their imperfection.

     There are those people you meet and you know right away, that along the line you are going to develop feelings for them. Now here lies my dilemma; I want to be their friend and be there for them through the stuff they are going through. Provide help in whatever way I can to ease their pain, but then, I know I would fall and I’ll most likely make a mess of the whole situation and then even complicate their life even further. 

     What do I do? Stay away and not help or do I try to ignore my feelings for the greater good? I can’t fool myself, never have I succeeded in ignoring my feelings. When I love, I love deep like I was given the emotion of two persons.

     Now I stay away, because those past experiences where I stayed and then my feelings complicated it turned it to a huge mess. The person not being sure of my intentions really hurt me. Sometimes I even doubted and started to question my good deeds if they were indeed genuine or did I offer a hand just so they would like me?

     This has got to be one of the worst feelings ever, loving someone who is taken or who can never love me the same….it’s exhausting and lonesome. Even worse when it prevents me from being a good friend to that person who needs a shoulder to lean on.

      I wish I stuck to my weekend routine of being alone, indoors and in my house. If I had kept to myself and not started hanging out with my colleagues during the weekend, I wouldn’t have met her. My life would still be easy and my heart would still be at peace. Now look what I have got myself into…