Monday, 29 December 2014


I'm just going to post it. No need for long story. I have been paid back in my own coins. I got cheated on by someone I love dearly, and guess what? I was cheated by my boo with a friend of mine! Yep...same love triangle story, only this time I am the one who got cheated on.

It stings and it hurts. Now I can imagine what I put my friend through. When you get cheated on, what are you supposed to feel? Hurt? Betrayal? Disappointment? Hate? Anger? Or all of them mixed together, wrapped up in you and just wanting to explode?
In this sort of situation where the other guy is your friend, double all those terrible feelings. I guess fate has paid me back. But it sucks. 

Shit happens but one thing I know is unlike the friend I wronged in the past, I don't know how to go back to a cheating ex. Forgiveness can come after all the emotions and anger has been dealt with but trust can never be there again. Never ever and when there's no trust in a relationship you have nothing.

People are different. People forgive and stay with their cheating partners and work things out but I am naturally paranoid and when I have a reason not to trust someone, that's it. There's no fixing it or repairing anything. I can work through many flaws in a relationship, but cheating? That's a whole new craze on its own. 

I used to think people that cheat are just lacking self-control and discipline. But there's more. Love is not enough to stop one from cheating, neither is having self-control. Its normal to feel attracted to someone else even when you truly love another and you two are in a serious relationship. Self-control and discipline makes you look away and not act on the attraction but when it's someone that's close and always around, love and self control isn't enough. Then you'd have to run from temptation and avoid it at all cost. 

I recently asked a colleague why he didn't come for the office' end of year party, he said his wife didn't want to come hence he stayed at home. I was like, so because your wife didn't want to come you then decided not to come? Couldn't you come alone? His reply made me respect him on a whole new level. He said he decided not to come to avoid anything that"ll lead to infidelity. 
Being my usual self, I had to tackle him more but his reply made me respect him even more. He said "man know thy self! I know my weaknesses, if I cheat now, it's you that will be the first to accuse me and paint me bad". (He was right about me there). 

You have to choose between your relationship and the attraction. If you choose your relationship, for the sake of protecting what you have, you avoid and cut ties with the one you feel just a physical attraction to (hard but beneficial). 
Avoid those lone visits to their houses because the flesh is weak and don't tempt yourself. No matter how disciplined or in love you are with your partner, one day you'd be vulnerable and fall. You might lose that relationship for just a fling that'll not last. Sad thing about such is, once you have satisfied the attraction, it's over but then you'll lose your relationship if you get caught (and you will get caught someday.)

Love is easy really. It's just us greedy humans who complicate things. You choose to be with someone yet, you can't overcome your flesh and avoid all forms of temptations. How greedy can we be? What really do we want?

I feel bad becuase I saw all these coming but I let my heart lead the way even when my head told me what's up. The truth is, if they cheat with you, they'll definitely cheat on you. The signs are always there but we just ignore them and say they would change, but we know better, we just ignore the warning signs.

What's the idea about meeting people? So you fall in love and settle with the right one right? Build something good with them over time abi?

You'd expect that when two people decide to date they would focus on building what they have. But not in the social media age we are in. Some people (both girls and boys) are just addicted to social media or they are just plain insensitive or indisicplined I guess. Time they should invest in building their relationship they would use it to be having meaningless chats on various social apps, setting themselves up for avoidable temptations and then come back and say I am sorry, expecting everything to be automatically fixed. 

I blame myself for everything. I mean, from the word go I didn't really have so much trust, started on a complicated note. Plus this was someone who admitted to cheating all previous exes, what made me think mine would be different? Smh...but it's all cool sha. Once in a while we all get to be fools in love. The bad thing about all this is I am most likely going back if not deeper into my phobia for relationships. I broke my rule, put myself out there and now the very reasons why I never bother with them and the stress and drama that comes with relationships have been revalidated. I am done.

Saw this on twitter lately - "@lnsaneTweets: I sleep so peacefully at night, knowing that I am single and that there's no one out there cheating on me"

This age we are in, trust seems like a myth. Its going to be a miracle for me to open up or let anyone in again. It's not worth it. Though I really do miss my ex but I have to be brave and know exactly what's good for me. I can't allow loneliness or nostalgia over good memories of moments we shared make me go back to a toxic relationship. 

People do that, go back because of loneliness but it is never really the same, the happiness is gone. All you see are the cracks and with time you guys just fall apart finally. It can't be forced, once it's broken, it is broken. "You can't play on broken strings" - (Broken Strings - James Morrison ft Nelly Furtado). 

So I am going to skip that part, just take my time and process this on my own time. No rush to heal, that's for time to take care of. Just do me and enjoy my own company till maybe someone true comes along and hopefully I get over this scar and open up again to let someone in and most importantly get over my paranoia. 

Truth is, in the begining of relationships we see certain signs. We know we should back out then, when we are not yet so deep in it. But we stay and refuse to go, telling ourselves they will change or we will work it out. But truth is, hardly do those things ever change because it's who they are, who they have always been even before we met them. So chances are they wouldn't change. Either we ignore and just bear/tolerate or we leave for our sanity's sake.
One thing is for sure, never again shall I ignore the early warning signs (I sincerely hope for my own good).

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

Tuesday, 16 December 2014


Dear Blog,

Why are my things always complicated? Why is it that the times I have felt so in love and really wanted to give a relationship a try (even though its not normally my thing), my crush all had to be in a relationship, but yet it's me they wanted to be with? Or distance was there to ruin it.

The sad part about the last two times was, when they finally left their boo for me, my ship had sailed. I'd hate for that to happen again because I am really into this one and it feels all so good.

I have written about this my peculiar ish before (Complicated - (May 14, 2012)). I am finally beginning to believe I carry a curse of falling for those I can't have. I remember when I newly resumed in Benin, there was this cute, calm, soft spoken lady I met at a sister branch. She was everything. We made small talk whenever I went to her branch. 

Some months ago, I was at her branch with my colleague. She was in the opposite office, but I could see her working on her desk through the glass wall. I asked my colleague about her. I always thought she was my age mate or there about and same level with me. But I got the shocker of my life!

She was two levels above me, not just that, she was also Married!!! And guess the finishing blow? She has three kids!!!!! O_O

My colleague read me and laughed so hard when she realized I had been crushing on the lady. I swear, I had to admit it. The funny thing is, all this time the wedding band I could clearly see on her finger that moment, I had never seen it before. Choi!

Back to my present situation, i feel guilty that I am trying to steal someone else's boo (not really tho)...again! I don't want to be the guy who does that but in my defense, I would have walked away but they were already having problems and were going to break up even before I entered the picture. Honest truth, well...that kept my conscience clean till Ibukun asked me when are they breaking up.

That question put me to shame. I used to insult and laugh at the 'foolishness' of TV characters that keep being the other guy/woman, pathetically waiting for the one they are involved with to break up with their partners and be with them. I used to say how lonely/pathetic could they be? Well, you see...not until you are in a situation you'd never really know what's up.
I am in love. Yes, I am and it feels so good. I am in a happy place but I have to apply reason so if they don't break up by end of this week, I'd take what's left of my pride and walk way. I refuse to be the other guy or the pathetic dude who says he'll wait just to see if things don't work out between them.

Love in a twisted way makes one selfish. I remeber how I didn't feel any remorse when I stole my close friend's girl then. I just knew what I wanted and was out for it. Yea, I agree that you can't really snatch someone except the person decides to be snatched but that's to an extent. Without you being there, encouraging them, they just might put in more effort to work things out with their partners. But if after leaving they still break up, I think then its ok to step in.

That's how I used to insult Angelina Jolie and Alicia Keys for stealing other people's husbands but now...I apologize to them for being harsh. The heart you see, wants what it wants. Not that I am saying stealing other people's boo is right, it takes a lot of discipline and courage to actually break your own heart and walk away.
Recently I posted this on facebook - 'That lonely honourable road of walking away instead of stealing someone else' boo...' Truly it's one hell of a lonely road people rarely take.

After that previous experience, I told myself I would never help anyone cheat again or steal anyone's boo again, but I guess words are just words. No? 
No! I am bound by my words and my words are my credibility. This is hard! So I should walk away and be wishing people's relationship bad so I can be happy and have le bae running into my hands for shelter?

Even though I know he isn't treating her right, that's no excuse to step in as a knight in shinning armor as most people would say. Really though, I wonder how it is that someone isn't treating you right and yet you still stay? Maybe the fear of being alone holds them back, but in this situation where you have met someone you say you really like and want to be with? Hmm...guess I wouldn't know this till I get into this situation also (oghene reject!).

Writing this just brought clarity. I mean that last paragraph just gave me new insight into this all. If she can do this to someone else, what makes me think I won't suffer same fate in her hands? Also if someone really wants to be with me I don't know what would hold them back in the relationship they term bad for them. Am I missing something here?

Now I feel all strong and empowered, just like yesterdy till I was in presence of the one who currently holds my mumu button and that's how the integrity speech I had planned to give to end things and walk away all evaporated from my head. *sigh

I remember that dp I saw which said - 'you know that tingly feeling you feel when you are falling for someone? That's common sense leaving your body'. I swear! Story of my life right now!

It's been a while I have felt this way and even comtemplated going into a relationship. Meeting someone that makes me want to break my own rules, that's huge but its such a shame it's coming with complications. Well, I have made up my the end of this week, if they aren't broken up I'd join all ye saints who have taken that lone honourable road of walking away. I don't want to be a douche/hypocrite a second time.

So I told Ibukun about my decison and his first response was, 'the pushing people away spirit, I should have seen it coming'. Hmm...he's right maybe, I head wants to do the right thing of walking away but somewhere deep down I know that pushing away spitrit has been at work, looking for one tiny detail to make me wanna sabotage us and push le boo away. But the end result is all that matters shey? I don't get to be an asshole or lover snatcher init? Ugh!

Still, these past few days have been really beautiful, meeting everyday and spending amazing time with each other. Found myself doing stuff I won't normally do...relationships definitely would change someone but I think once in a while its good to step back a bit and have a clearer picture of what's going on be sure you are not being a fool in love. 

And there I go again, instead of just living and be happy, going for what I want, going with the flow and just enjoying love, I am already talking of over thinking and shii...

I guess I really don't know a thing about love after all. *sigh

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

Sunday, 14 December 2014

December 14, Happy birthday to me

First things first, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Ok. I don't really like birthdays that much. For one, the attention on you that day can be so overwhelming. I am very shy and I naturally hate phone calls. You should see me get so shy over the phone, I'd just be mumbling words like a teenager talking to le crush. That's why I hide my d.o.b on Facebook plus I really don't like my wall being defaced. But each year, no matter how I try to hide my birthday I always have good friends who call me out and post messages on my wall and on bbm too and it gets to me and warms me up and it's really nice having people, friends, wish you a happy birthday. Makes you feel loved and special and then those friends who call out of the blue and you are surprised they remembered your birthday, totally nice...don't mind my mushy ish, am a sucker for emotional stuff.

Then of course, there's the obvious fact that I am actually growing old and currently the big three zero is staring at me and it's some what freaky when I realize in a few years time I would actually be thirty years! I mean me? Ha!!

I remember those days when I was much younger, I used to see those people in their early twenties as really big uncles and aunties, talkless of those in their late twenties. Now I look at myself in the mirror and I am like, huh? Is this how those big uncles looked then or am I missing something? Funny, i guess kids now would be looking at me in that same eye and be like big uncle ish.

Anyway, currently playing Taylor Swift's myself hope with the lyrics "I don't know about you...but I am feeling twenty two.." But honestly tho, I actually feel twenty two, actually I feel twenty. I feel young inwards and I dunno, just feeling really happy today and it's a good thing I guess, even though my car wanted to deal with me today. If not that I am so tired from battling with my tyre that got slashed I woulda been dancing carefreely to this 22 song.

Today was harvest thanksgiving in church. I sat and reflected on the past year to where I am now. I feel blessed and accomplished. I am really grateful to God Almighty for a wonderful and beautiful year. It's been God all the way. Even though I went through some difficult things this past year but right now, where I am today every issue has been resolved and I feel so light and for that I have every reason to be thankful. So I say thank you Lord for a beautiful year and I trust that He'll grant me an even much more beautiful new year and take me to the next phase of my life.

People wonder why I have the number '14' attached to the name of this blog, well this is the secret. 14 is my lucky number sort of. December 14 is my birthday. In the university my matriculation number was Agr0500014, then there are some other cool stuff that happened to me related to the number 14. So number 14 is pretty special to me, but mostly because it my birth date. That's why it's Iyosayi14.

When I was younger I had the feeling that it's a sin sort of to leave church service before closing plus those scary preaching I heard about people missing the angels who brought their blessing because they didn't stay till close of service. That's how I grew up with that belief and it sorta developed into this OCD if I should put it that way, that if I leave service before closing something bad will happen on the way. That's how my fear caught up with me today. As I earlier wrote, today was our church harvest thanksgiving and it's normal for service to close really late on thanksgiving day. 2pm and they hadn't even gone half way into the service.... jor o. I had stuff to do plus someone was offering to take me out for my birthday and then I had to meet up with a friend to discuss business too and I had to clean the car and press my clothes in preparation for monday. That's how I carried myself and left church and guess what? My tire was flat!

I tried to change it myself but the bolts were too tight. To cut the long story short I had to manage it, drove with my hazard lights on and very slowly to a vulcanizer's shop. At the end he had to cut one one of the tyre nuts before he could release the tyre. I was already feeling bad my tyre was damaged beyond fixing but I don't know how the dude did it, my tyre came back to life after say four hours. The shameful part? As they were still fixing my tyre, church closed and I could see my church members going home.

Anyway over the years I have learnt to take things in good faith and know that all things happen for a reason and everything that happens to me is because God permitted it to happen. Who knows if I had waited till closing that's when I would have had to fix the tyre, meaning i'd get home by 9pm that's if the vulcanizer hadn't closed by then or shii. Then again I took it as all part of growing up, I mean this is me dealing with stuff now. This dude is officially now closer to thirty than twenty..hehehe

Growing up and responsibilities tho...the shii we never thought would come with growing up, all we knew when we were kids was I wanna grow up and be independent of my parents authority...bla bla bla, if only we knew better.

But in all, it was a good day. I over fed, ate a full plate of fried rice and jollof rice, drank too (I am not an alcoholic) and I lost count of the pieces of chicken i got to eat today. Also had time to catch up with old pals and also felt so much love from my bbm pals and those who called, sent SMS and wrote on my Facebook wall. I hear I'd be getting a cake tomorrow at work and there would be a lil something something too...I hope it all goes well and I get to snap cute pics too. Yup, I am a picture junkie...

So this is me saying special thanks to everyone who made my day memorable, with love...Iyosayi14