Sunday, 30 December 2012


I may have walked away 
I may have been the one that left 
The one that put an end to us 
Because I wasn't ready to go the mile 
I didn't want to feel 
I wasn't ready to handle our issues 
Or deal with the work we both had to do to make us right 
I was too lazy to meet you half of the way 
Or did I feel like I was the only one trying? 
I chose the easy way out 
But now I long for just one more moment with you
Why is that? 
Because for me; 
There's no moving on and starting over without closure

Sunday, 16 December 2012

You used to love me

You used to love me
You used to want me
So much I did mean to you
But now...
I can't tell what I mean to you
I remember when you said I still mean a lot to u
I try hard to hold on to that
But I fear it ain't so anymore
I feel like screaming: 'Don't walk away from me'
But lo, the words won't come out
All I can do is watch you leave without a word
My heart shatters each time I realise you are slipping away
Moving farther away from my reach
How did we get here?
Did I do this?
Did I seem to make you think I have moved on?
Did I do this to us?
Look what my pride has caused
You never hid it that you loved me
But I just couldn't let you know I loved you a little more
I just had to be in charge
Couldn't let you know you had such power over me
I held on too much to my pride
All I've got now is just me, my pride and all the memories I have of u
But the most important of all I have lost: you
I long for your attention once more
You look my way but you don't see me
I have become invincible 
Once upon a time I was showered by grace
Feeling blessed to have you in my life
You used to love me
But that was then and this is Nơw...

Saturday, 8 December 2012


#np: out of reach by Matthew Perryman Jones

This feeling I feel I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to want you. I don’t want to need you this much. It hurts thinking of holding you each night as I fall asleep. When I wake you are the first thing on my mind.

I don’t want to ponder so much on thoughts of you. I don’t want to get so attached to someone I can’t hold. I want to know what you smell of, to drive my fingers through your hair, to see the light shine in those eyes. I want to look deep into your eyes, get lost in them, drowning; lost in you. I want more than just thoughts of you. I want more than this haze I see around me. I want the real you. But all I have is this feeling and no you.

This feeling I feel hurts so much. I don’t want to get consumed by this smoldering craving for you. I don’t want to love you this much, at least not yet. They say in every relationship one always loves more. This seems to be my lot.

So I leave with you watching me slip away, fading into the dark. Each day I die a little. My strength diminishes each time I force myself to hold back. I dread each beep of my phone; half wishing it’s you, that’s my heart. And also half wishing it’s not you, that’s my head.

This feeling is killing me. It’s hurting me so much. I tell myself it’s just for a while. Soon I’ll be over it; but for now this is my hell. I go away because I don’t want to come across to you as a crazy and unstable person. Maybe if you were close by, just maybe if you were here this love would have been so much easier.

But for now, I don’t want to feel. This feeling is crushing me; taking me deep into depths of despair…
I am sinking so low. I feel empty. I can’t call for help as I plunge into a hollow pit. I see your face each time. Everything reminds me of you. Each smile that cuts across my lips wishes your eyes could behold them.

So much I want to share with you. So much I want to build with you. So much I feel for you. So much I try not to desire for you, for us. This feeling I feel has taken a hold of me. I don’t want it to fade away; I don’t want to lose you.

But this feeling I feel…right now I don’t want to feel because its slowly destroying me….this feeling I feel is taking me to a place far from your reach, far from where you can ever save me.

So for now, I don’t want to feel…

Thursday, 15 November 2012


They say don’t run away from your fears/troubles/problems/issues but rather you should face them and deal with them squarely.

What if I am not strong enough to face them now?

‘Man know thy self’ – Socrates

I am the one going through the pain or issue; I am the one feeling the hurt.  Sorry I am not the fun guy you used to know or I am a bore now, but hey do you realize I may barely be hanging by a moment? You can only empathize with me and wish me well but it’s I who knows exactly how it hurts. Then again why do you even need me to get better soonest? Is it because you really care about my well being or just for your own selfish reason? maybe because you need me to keep you company, drive away your boredom, make you laugh always or maybe help you complete a task.

I am me and I know myself well enough to know how much I can handle or deal with at a time. So let me run for now, because I am not strong enough to fight. Don’t pressurize me into fighting a war I am not ready to fight. Don’t bring me down with words, making me feel I am immature or weak. Allow me take things in my own stride because this is my life. Don’t make me fight with wounds that are still open, because I have to please you or meet up to your standards because I feel the need to make you see me as strong.

Allow me to crawl to a safe haven where I can heal and prepare for battle; if I face them now, even with you by my side I may not survive. Let me pick myself up and be ready. I am bruised, I am hurt and I have so much pain. I may be down now, but not forever. Yeah, I’ll get over it eventually and maybe even really soon but that doesn’t make it hurt any les right now.

Each person is unique and has his/her own measure of strength and ability to withstand hits. Don’t judge me by your strengths or capabilities. Let me process this and when I am ready I’ll come back stronger and ready, well prepared to face my problems.

At times things happen so quickly, it feels like your life is passing by so quickly you can’t even seem to catch your breath. Sort of, it’s as if an external force is has totally taken control and you feel you are not the one living your life. Everything becomes so overwhelming, you can barely breathe. This is exactly how I feel.

It’s like someone else is living my life for me. This is when I know I have to take a break. I need to breathe, like literally breathe in deeply and just inhale and exhale repeatedly in slow motion…shut the world out and just focus and take a hold of my life once again.

So no, I am not running but going through a process so I can get back on the right track before I crash or lose my very self in all this madness. Because at the end of the day all we have is who we are….

This song pretty much sums it all up... WHO WE ARE by RYAN CALHOUN

Mom and Dad
Don’t worry about your son
I’ll be ok
I’ll take these days one by one
Though the times are hard
I still know where I belong
I keep looking up so I can hold on

For now
I’ll choose this life I live
And for now I’ll choose to take my hits
Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who we are

Life hurry now
I’m running out of time
And I’m growing weak
As are these dreams that are mine
Though the days are long
I’m still running strong
I keep looking up
So I can hold on

For now
I’ll choose this life I live
And for now I’ll choose to take my hits
Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who we are

For now
I’ll choose this life I live
And for now I’ll choose to take my hits
Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who,
At the end of the day all we have is who we are

At the end of the day all we have is who we are

Monday, 5 November 2012


“In fact writing this now, I realize I was the devil. People began asking questions and I didn’t care. I had the girl and that was all that mattered.”

Most of us born in the 80’s should know this popular Dolly Parton’s song. “Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene... Please don't take him just because you can…”

Well, something happened recently and it took me down memory lane to an interesting past episode of my life, which made me realize anyone is capable of murder given the right motive. Ok, that’s a little too much quote for what really happened, though what I did then was something I never thought I was capable of. Most times we have this set idea of who we are and certain principles we have and believe nothing on earth can make us derail. But then, when we finally get in certain situations we don’t recognize ourselves anymore, we do just exactly the opposite or maybe even worse. Let me stop scaring you now, before your mind starts working overtime trying to figure out exactly what I did.

One week of hypocrisy after my many talks. I’ll keep what I did in the past for now. Abeg nor vex, lol. So I traveled to Lagos recently for some personal stuff, and well I term it a journey of hypocrisy. Normally I hate playing the hypocrite but what could I do, it took just six days for my entire opinion about love and relationships to change. For once, I decided to put myself in the position of others who don’t agree with me. Wow! It’s amazing how opinions can change the minute you start living what you once were against.

That’s why I keep telling people, if you know you seriously do not agree with something, don’t even let curiosity make you explore, experiment or try it because you just might never come back. I remember once when I was a corper, I tried to be logical about the whole smoking issue. I told myself, how can I say I hate Pepsi if I have never tasted it? So I decided to smoke two sticks of cigarette, I purposely smoked two sticks to be double sure that I didn’t fancy smoking. What if after smoking even just the first I got hooked? That’s that about exploring as far as I am concerned. At times it’s safer not being logical about certain things. Just stick with your believe or opinion and stay safe.

Back to my one week of hypocrisy. I purposely decided to be the other guy! Yes, I know what you are thinking now; you are free to judge me. I have already judged myself enough. I admit being a hypocrite. After all my ranting in that my previous ‘I don’t want to be the other guy….again’ post right?
Oh well... I won’t deny it was fun and I really can’t say if giving the opportunity if I won’t do it again. Ok, to be frank, I wouldn’t do it. I still don’t agree with cheating, be it emotional or sexual. Either way it is hurtful and disrespectful.

I realized being the other guy is kind of fun or easy, that’s if you don’t foolishly develop feelings for her. Just know you are not the main guy and so you don’t have to handle the relationship stress and commitment ish. You know your role and your place and you don’t ask for more. You are the fun guy. The one that’s there to keep her company when he is playing xbox or watching Chelsea game. Hahaha

Seriously though, it’s so easy. Set the rules and you both know what’s up and where the line is drawn. The best part is you are not exclusive so you are free to hang out with other girls too. Ok, I need to stop myself here before I get carried away. It’s all wrong and I don’t encourage anyone to live this kind of life; helping someone cheat is just as bad as trying to steal someone else’s girlfriend.

Well, in all, I had to stop and act right. But damage has already been done. In truth I am not a relationship kind of guy. I have always said that jokingly, but seriously now I know I am not. Commitment scares me, not really though. For now, I just am not interested. I am not thinking of getting married in the next three years so why should I tie myself down or start suffering all those relationship troubles? The other day three friends and I had planned to go to the cinema, then the couple amongst us had a quarrel, to cut the long story short, that’s how our trip ended. Relationships and their woes…pttf! I am so not interested. When I am ready for marriage then I know yes, I am ready to deal with all the shit that comes with a relationship and all the commitment stuff. But for now I have other priorities and I just don’t need extra stress.

For now, let me be single and enjoy all the attention. You know say my market they sell, lol
I am free to hang out with whoever I please; I don’t owe anyone any explanation. I can hit the cinema with whoever, even go on harmless dates and all that. Well, I am not saying I would do all these with people that are in relationships. It’s going to be strictly single people who just want to hang out. One thing I would never do and I have never done even though I have had opportunities, is to lead someone on. So once I notice they are getting sort of attached or developing feelings, that’s when I apply the brakes and have that awful I am not ready for a relationship speech. Yea, hurtful but a stitch in time, saves nine.

So I was in Lagos and I met up with a friend. Last time I checked, she was single. Then I got that feeling I normally get when something’s up. My sixth sense kicked in and I started putting all the dots together and then I realized she had a boyfriend. I asked her, she confirmed it. I tried to back off but she said there was no problem that we are cool, so I relaxed. Well it was fun and all that. I knew the way she once felt for me before, but seriously who sent her to have a boyfriend? Killed all the fun sort of. Anyway one thing led to another and she kissed me.  Before you start thinking over time, I don’t agree with pre marital sex and I am proudly a virgin. Yes you just read it; I am a virgin, proudly. Bite me!

She came around often during my stay in Lagos; we chatted freely, laughed, went to an eatery, and did other stuffs. It was fun, no pressure of any sorts. Though my conscience kept reminding me this was someone else’s girl friend. Sorry no juicy gist.

I came back to Benin at night and the next morning there was a message waiting for me on my blackberry. She was no longer in a relationship! My heart started pounding! What have I done? This was 2009 happening all over again (please don’t ask what happened in 2009). Hope she hadn’t done what I was thinking? Hope she hadn’t broken up with her boyfriend because of me?

I asked her what happened. From what she said, it was not about me. Hmmm….I still have my doubts though. I smartly worked in the fact that I am not a relationship kind of guy, at least not yet into our chat and she got the point. Actually I hope she did because today she sent me that cheesy line I hate - ‘so you don’t want to chat with me again?’ gosh! I freaking hate that statement!!

The thing is this; the whole one week of hypocrisy came just few days after I had mad fun with a single friend of mine, though she was just coming out from a break up. I sort of just wanted her to realize how much fun being single can be and I strongly believe that the company of friends helps one get over a break up quickly. But I am smart enough to draw a line whenever they start to use me as rebound. It’s all for their good because rebound hardly ever ends well.

Last night I thought about all I have done in the last two weeks and my new perspective on relationships. This is what I want, to be single and just have fun with friends. Not having fun with anyone in a relationship except of course if her boyfriend comes along. Then I remembered the very incident that made me hate cheating and being made the other guy. How could I have forgotten? I mean I literally preach with that my experience when I was made me the other guy and used to cheat on a good friend of mine. Well, that’s one story I won’t be writing about in a long time to come, sensitivity issues.

I was blameless at first because I honestly didn’t know they were dating. They were both having that secret kind of relationship where they keep telling everyone they were not an item. Guess three of us learned such relationships are just a free pass to endless cheating. Of course after the discovery and all, we broke up and things sorted themselves out. She went back to my friend who forgave her. I decided to move on with my life. Then I don’t know how it all happened. Guess we both still had feelings for each other even though she was still with him. Like they say, the heart wants what it wants. We were back again. And all hell was let loose.

I became someone else. Rebellious, stubborn and strong headed. I never in my life thought I would be that kind of a guy who would actually take another guy’s girl. Scratch that, not just any guy, actually my very good friend’s girl. This was the same guy that helped wash my jean trouser then in 100level. Remembering everything now, I think I was possessed then. Everyone got talking. Trust my classmates then, always ready to spread gist and rumours. Truth be told, I was heartless and I hate who I was then. I hate that guy and I loathe him.

Taking her from him was not enough; I started public display of affection (pda). That was enough proof that something had definitely taken over me. See, I am a shy guy and before then even after I dislike pda. Embracing a friend in public is hard work for me not to talk of….
In class we’d sit together, laugh, talk in low tones, go to night class together. We were all over each other while my friend was there reading at the other corner of the same very night class. In fact writing this now, I realize I was the devil. People began asking questions and I didn’t care. I had the girl and that was all that mattered. My friend who used to be lively became so quiet at night class; still I didn’t feel a thing.

Then came the day we were leaving night class together. As we were leaving, he slipped us a note. That note tore my heart into shreds. That note though short, spoke volumes. That was the day if felt like Jolene. In summary he said if I wanted to have her, I could but I should please at least show him some respect and not flaunt our relationship in class or in front of him. I couldn’t even look up at him. The pain in the hand writing and the sadness in his eyes…

So much hurt and agony I had caused ‘my good friend’. If it were a film I was watching or a story  I heard or some other guy doing such, I know I would rain insults on him and hate him so much, but it was me doing that very distasteful thing to some who cared so much about me. I feel so bad right now. That very day, that night in class, the yellow lights, the way his head was bent down, he knew we were reading the letter. His heart must have been so sore, full of anger. I had betrayed him. It’s amazing how forgiveness works. Well I guess all that’s in the past now. Funny three of us are good friends now and yes, he was among the friends I was supposed to hit the cinema with and well, he just called me a few minutes ago. Strange huh?

There is no excuse for what I did. What I did then was plain evil! And it would never happen again. Never again would I put someone through that. Never again would I cause someone that hurt. So each time I am faced with such situation again, I remember the look in my friends eyes, I remember the day I felt like Jolene. I was lucky enough to have my friend back but next time I just might have a knife stuck in my neck, well there wouldn’t be a next time hopefully.

I know it’s not easy to walk away and at times you just feel her boyfriend is not treating her right and you are the one for her. Still no matter how bad it is or how ill treated she is by him; as far as they are in a relationship you have no right laying advances at her. Even if she is the one coming on to you, be decent enough to tell her no. I was selfish and self centered. Lessons I have learnt and I hope there would not be another one week of hypocrisy ever again, not just hope, I am actually going to work towards it. Now I am ensnared by my write ups and I have my past mistakes to remind me.

Tuesday, 2 October 2012


“I make music to be a musician, not be on the cover of playboy” – Adele
I read this on twitter once - ‘I saw Tiwa Savage today, she isn’t even fine…’ seriously? I am confused. I thought we are after their works of art? If you want beautiful celebrities you can lust after or get obsessed with please go watch American’s next top model or any fashion television network.
This generation is so messed up with shallow people, it breaks my heart. Thank God for singers like Adele and Seal even our very own Nigerian Asa who have made success out of their music careers despite their seemingly not so attractive looks and sexually enticing pop images.
I find it odd when someone judges a musician by his or her looks or when someone makes a statement like ‘I don’t like him/her so I won’t listen to his/her song’. That’s how people miss out on great works and awesome records.
I am after music not your personal life or looks. If your song makes sense and I can relate to it or the beats get me groovy, I am definitely buying. I don’t care about your belief or your looks because that’s not what music is about.
I admire Kelly Clarkson a lot for not conforming to Hollywood’s stereotypes. I used to admire Jennifer Hudson, especially when she won her first Oscar. American idol told her she was too fat and didn’t have star quality, but she rose above that and even the so called weight that didn’t seem to be star quality was what was needed for her role ‘Effie Whyte’ in the movie dream girls which was her first movie and also which she won an academy award for best actress in a supporting role. But ever since her recent weight loss, I can’t really say much not with her short and revealing dresses.
But do I blame these artists? This is their source of lively hood so they have to make money by selling their records. The only way to do that is meeting the needs of those that’ll but their works.
Society claps for and appreciates sex appeal far above true talents. What do you expect from a musician who needs to pay her bills? It’s the society that makes these musicians pay more attention to their looks and appear in videos in outfits which leave nothing to the imagination. As far as people are buying their cds they keep doing same thing over and over again. In short society applauds mediocrity as far as it satisfies their perversion. If a musician wants to grow and take a new direction or have a different sound, the fear of losing audience keeps them back, they just think of the fame and money, too scared to venture out onto higher grounds, because our society has refused to appreciate true art or encourage growth.
I hold nothing against the kardashinas, in fact I give them props! People keep hating on them, branding them names like talentless individuals doing stupid things on tv and yet get paid millions. Truth is, if no one watches a show dedicated to these so called ‘stupid’ people living their lives, they would not be paid, and the show would have been cancelled in the very first episode. The joke’s on the viewers. They are the stupid people who have no lives that they have to sit in front of the tv and watch other people live their lives. How pathetic!
If I realize there is a market gap, and I all I need to do is sit on a chair and people would actually watch me and I get paid million, I’d definitely fill that need.
Our society is full of idiotic shallow individuals, which is why every artiste in Nigeria now sings mostly party songs with terribly written shallow lyrics that have no meaning or positive impact and the beats in every song on the radio sounds alike because those are the kind of songs most Nigerians like. I was reading Iyanya’s interview in the paper yesterday, he said after project fame he was doing R&b but he wasn’t making it because no one listens to such in Nigeria, so he decided to change his sound, and to his surprise kukere became a hit.
The market (society) is a driving force that determines what these artists produce. No smart individual will waste his or her time and resources producing a master piece that he knows no one would buy. So until society grows and starts appreciating true art, our musicians would continue churning out crap for us and continue focusing on sex appeal, releasing videos with nude girls, offensive lyrics and cheap written songs. The funny part is how hypocritical society can be. People would complain about the nude girls in videos and poorly dressed female stars yet they are the ones who encourage such by voting such videos for awards or giving them numerous air play that they become chart toppers while also secretly enjoying the nudity but openly criticize it.
I sincerely hope the next generation gets it right and appreciates true art and not long for shallow short lived sources of entertainment because this generation has really lost it…
Well, what do I know? I am but just a kid…..