2020 (Year in review)

I think we can all agree 2020 has been a weird year. I bet everyone’s year-end review will make reference to the covid-19 pandemic and how it shaped their year. 2020 has been a year of canceled plans and having to make peace with the new normal. A year of chaos, anxiety, calm and surrender. The year facemasks and face shields became a necessity.

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At first, there was so much hope that in a few months the pandemic will be all over and life would be back to normal. But as the months went on, everyone had to adjust their lives and stopped fighting the change. The feeling of apprehension mixed with hope slowly faded into one of acceptance and readjustments.

No one envisaged that the year will turn out the way it did. Asides from covid-19, there were numerous deaths of loved celebrities people looked up to. Two deaths shook me to my core – Kobe Bryant and Chadwick Boseman. The Black Lives Matter (BLM) abroad and then the Endsars movement here in Nigeria (which was crushed when the Nigerian Government decided to use the army to shoot its unarmed citizens) caused a major strain on my mental health.

2020 did have collective dark moments, that’s one thing for sure. But thankfully, we saw Trump get defeated at the US presidential elections. At least, that’s one thing 2020 got right. The energy shift; four years of lousiness and chaos finally ended. It's back to decorum and decency. Good riddance to bad rubbish. 

If I’m to capture this year in one word, it will be ‘omo!’  Just when I was getting over one L, the year would hit me with another.

A huge part of my life went dormant this year. I’m an avid traveler and this is the first time in three years I didn’t get to leave the shores of Nigeria. I had grand plans to tour at least five countries in Europe and take the number of countries I have been to from 11 to 18. But covid-19 made sure I didn’t have to bring out my passport all year round.

I had planned to start a graduate program at the University of Benin this year, in line with the commitment I made last year as regards furthering my education. But 2020 was the year the Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) went on strike for a record 9 months period.

However, I made good on my last year’s commitment to do some professional courses. I got inducted into two professional bodies this year. Preparing for the examinations made me miss schooling. Besides, it’s been Ten years I got my first degree. I had healed and rested enough from the rigors of my undergraduate days and was ready to get back in the game but then 2020 and ASUU strike happened.

The
strike has led to loss of one year off of my short term goals. I’m not going to
bother about it, I’ll trust the process as usual and see where life leads me.
One thing I know for sure and have seen happen severally in my life is, God is
not a God of confusion. He always gives me better than I plan and in the end,
things always work out well. So I’m chilled and waiting for school to resume.

I long gave up on 2020 even before the coronavirus led to a somewhat collective write-off of the year. A major part of my life/year is usually centered on my career. So imagine how I felt when my Group Head increased my team’s already bloated budget for the year. The initial budget was already a tall order, only to get stretched even further. Then covid-19 induced lockdown happened, affecting businesses and certain economic policies were taken to even worsen the already impossible situation. I detached, knowing this wasn’t going to be the year.

People were like, things will work out fine in the end, but nah, when it comes to certain things I love accepting reality and making peace with it. If things do get better than I envisage, good. If not, I’m fine all the same. 

“And then this: Fighting against reality really is foolish. Find out what the reality is, and then work with it, embrace it, shape it, use it. This way, you achieve your goals with the least resistance, and you have peace.” – Chude Jideonwo

Even as I write, my team recently lost a big account. I said ‘omo’ again and moved on. See eh, 2020 do and end because the evil you have done is enough.

I remember starting the year frustrated because my finances were not looking great. I had set the largest personal savings target ever for myself, next thing interest rates on investment instruments started plummeting. I also didn’t get a dime of performance bonus paid out half-year and full-year at the office. Usually, the bonus helps me meet my saving targets before the year runs out, but this year I was just looking as my colleagues were all getting credit alerts around me. 

There was a time I had to ignore my financial excel sheet for weeks. At a time, I thought for once, I won’t be able to meet my savings target for the year. Falling interest rates from NGN Treasury bills were having an adverse ripple effect on various investment instruments. I had to pray that God provides alternative investments, and He did. My year was saved by alternative investments, and one prayer God also answered for me, was that none of my investments will go south. Thankfully, despite my two almost near misses, I didn’t lose a kobo. 

Also, despite the sacrifices made to be there for friends and also without my go-to investment options and productivity bonus, I was still able to surpass my savings target. Though this was also partly due to no travels this year.

When all my trips got canceled, I realized I had a good opportunity to build a structure for my passive income (everyone is about creating a path to financial independence these days). I'm thankful for reduced expenses which enabled me to have more disposable income to invest, even though I had to endure a pay cut due to the pandemic. I sat down and cut my expenses, letting go of certain luxuries. I think this is a mistake most persons make; not reducing their expenses in times of falling income.

I decided to practice delayed gratification. Shoes are my weakness and I’m also a bit of an online shopping addict. I’m so proud to say I conquered these habits this year. Even though I kept adding things to my cart online, I didn’t purchase anything. The only things I spent money on outside my usual monthly expenses were asoebi for the numerous weddings that came with the year and a jacket to support my friend’s tailoring business. 

I also learned to convert cheap debt to source of revenue. On the norm. I’m risk-averse and hate being in debt. But this year, I had to adjust my risk level and take some calculated risks. I mean, a major part of my job role has to do with intermediation, so why was I not applying these skills in my personal life to boost my passive income?

I dabbled into the capital market, thanks to Henry. I made some cool bucks here though I later realized I should have held the shares a little longer. Anyway, it was my first time and I have learned a lot in a few months about the best time to sell or hold shares. But one thing that still holds is, investing in the stock market needs market knowledge/share price history and lots of patience.

Most of these ideas I got were from conversations with friends. I’m extremely thankful for such productive friendships, not all the time vibes and sharing of memes. And yes, special thanks to Aduraseyi for introducing me to the agrotech world, this industry played a vital role in my finances this year.

Personally, 2020 has been quite a rollercoaster. My favourite part of the year has to be the lockdown period, funny enough. I loved the stillness that came with it. My life felt stable and peaceful. Sadly this was disrupted by anxiety from following the BLM movement on the news. 

In all, I had a good level of personal growth during the lockdown period as I was able to dig deep within, have conversations with myself I had long been running from and found clarity. I read lots of self-help articles online, and went through two hard copy books as well.

Another issue that also gave me anxiety, which I discussed with only one person (Henry) was the Edo State Governorship elections. Right from the primaries to the final elections, it was all twists and turns. The incumbent governor in a power tussle with the ousted APC chairman. The incumbent Governor winning had major consequences for me; career-wise and personally. Anyway, I’m glad that after all the drama, he won and the will of the people prevailed. Indeed Edo is not Lagos.

I had to lean on doing chores (mostly cleaning my apartment) to gain clarity and calm. It’s weird how that worked out well for me.

Towards the end of the year, I started perfecting my unbothered skills. It’s always been my desire to grow to that level where my initial reaction to things is that of calm. For someone managing anxiety, this has been quite a journey. But I think I made good progress this year mostly regarding not stressing about work or stuff that needs fixing or expenses to be sorted out. I learned to push them aside mentally till resources were available or I had the mental space to deal. 

I have learned to sleep on decisions the same way I learned to defer expenses. I used to be this as e dey hot kinda guy. I used to make decisions hastily, sort out issues, and clear out my to-do-list ASAP. But truth is, all that was adding more pressure to an already difficult adulthood. I think subconsciously, the stillness that came with this year has led me on a path of ease, of taking things in their stride and not hurting myself in the process. 

Life is easy when you take it one day at a time, breath after breath. No pressure, no rush (But this doesn’t make an excuse for laziness or procrastination. I still hold myself accountable in meeting deadlines and not flaking on commitments).

On love; this year I decided to start identifying as avoidant. Not after my rough February experience that left me with PTSD from being walked out on, coupled with a friendship that felt overwhelming and all so consuming at the time (I don’t think I handled this well though). I felt broken by both experiences, the only way to survive was to push them away. Thankfully we are all good and things have balanced out now.

As for being avoidant, deep down I acknowledge it’s not who I truly am. Yes, I hate the work that comes with relationships but truth is, I do want companionship and I’ll gladly do an easy relationship than being alone. But let’s face the facts, relationships require hard work. I’m all for ease, so being an avoidant is the less expensive option for my heart. 

Have you ever felt such pain that made you seclude into self? Shut the world out, lose trust in people, and always fear no one will stay? That they will always walk away and leave you shattered? That’s what I went through and I’m still recovering from it. So yes, being alone is difficult but I choose this cross over reliving that kind of pain. I’m choosing the lesser burden of being alone. It’s what I have made peace with.

2020 has been a relatively peaceful and stable year for me mentally, well, asides from the one or two times anxiety tried to get the better of me. In all, I’m thankful that compared to previous years there was no particular major breakdown. However, two weeks ago life wanted to try it with me, but thankfully, I managed to center myself and not lose it. Thanks to Dr. Pascal and Henry that were my anchor through it.

I told Henry at a point that I didn’t feel like celebrating my birthday which at the time was a few days away. He encouraged me to take each day as it came. Thankfully, it got easier as the days went by and I had one of my best birthdays ever. My colleagues showed up for me and friends sent in wonderful birthday gifts I wasn’t expecting. (I’m still not big on birthdays or birthday gifts).

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Here’s what I posted on Instagram a few days ago about why I felt excited about my birthday even though we’ve all had quite a year.

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On a lighter note, thanks to working from home during the lockdown period, I was able to grow out my hair and keep a mini afro once again. I once carried afro in my SS3 and early university days. Unfortunately, I couldn’t keep the hair for long this time around as the castor oil I purchased caused the hair at the middle of my head to come off. Still, I was fortunate to try three different hairstyles this year. I've always been the guy who loves to express himself creatively with his hair but this has been limited because of my corporate job.

“I just wanna be myself
And I want you to love me for who I am
I just wanna be myself
And I want you to know I am my hair
…
I'm as free as my hair
I am my hair
Free as my hair” – Lady Gaga (Hair)

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I’m thankful for the ‘weird’ year 2020 has been. I’m thankful for all that went down and all the gbas gbos that came with the year. What matters is that we made it and that we are still here. Here’s to those we lost along the way. Every soul lost to the pandemic means something, each individual is more than a statistic. Also here’s to all the heroes lost during the fight for social justice, especially during the Endsars protest. We will never forget.

At this very moment, I feel whole and I’m truly happy and feel this sense of freedom/peace, a feeling I’m not accustomed to at the end of a financial year career-wise.

I’m thankful for the clarity that came with this year, for the path I’m on, and here’s hoping that the coming year helps me consolidate on the progress I have made this year in all spheres of life and of course, a positive turnaround in the fortunes of my team at the office. 

Here’s to a better 2021, hoping it brings an end to the covid-19 menace as it's now apparent December 31, 2020, is not going to be the expiry date for the pandemic as we all bullishly thought.

CROSSROADS

“We strip our lives bare of the colour that comes with variety till all that’s left is the black-and-white monotony of what we do for a living.
Is this what we call a life though?” – Ore Fakorede

Lately, I’ve been thinking about where my life is headed (Nah, it’s not because my 32nd birthday is less than a month away, neither is it because the realization hits harder daily that 35 years keeps getting closer). 

35 feels like a deciding age that’ll tell if I’ll be truly happy or have to settle for what society and economic realities has in store. I guess after hitting 35, dreading 40 will most likely follow. Lowkey, it keeps me focused on achieving set goals for my life. I sincerely hope there is a point where this journey turns into savouring the reward of the sacrifices made in the past.

“Yes, age is just a number, but we can’t deny that 30 years means so much. It feels like a major turning point, a major milestone in life that ushers one into the path of who you truly are and what the rest of your life is likely going to be about. It’s almost as if the teen years and twenties are your years of testing the waters, figuring out who you are and who you want to be. Stepping into the big 30 feels like now, the true-life race has started – Sayi, 2019.

What got me thinking about the trajectory of my life centres around a conversation I had with my Dad last two months.

I was about to leave for work that day when he called me to say so and so guy who is the regional head in another bank asked if I’m still interested in working with them.

A part of me felt excited I was being sort after, while another part freaked because the possibility of taking up the offer and then having to find balance in a new environment felt heavy. Back then in the University, I always said I’ll not spend more than two years in an organization as it would be very boring. I saw myself switching jobs regularly, but alas, I have since come to realize I’m that guy who loves stability and comfort (as far as things are working out very fine).

I went to work that day confused about a lot of things. Should I reach out and set up the interview? I had initiated our first interview last year when I needed to have options in case my organization didn’t promote me. When my promotion happened, I ended the conversation. Now they were the ones initiating it, this gave me an upper hand for negotiation, but still, I felt uneasy.

At the office, my dilemma worsened when I talked with an ex-colleague who just resumed in the same organization. He gave me a rundown of their remuneration and it was better than what obtains in my organization for the same higher level I would be going for. 

Why I was still conflicted? I mean, it seemed like an easy decision. 

Well, after working 7 years and a few months, I have gotten to that point where making decisions isn’t all about the money or getting the next grade. I know this doesn’t apply to most. I mean, the consensus is to be loyal to yourself and go for the higher pay, and if it comes with the next grade, even better. 

At the end of last year, I carved out a short term plan to switch my career path though in the same industry. Yes, covid-19 has messed up the plans to a large extent, but I’m still focused on following it through even though I’m not being 100% committed for now. 

Accepting the offer will mean I continue in my current career path and truth be told, I’m bored with it. Yes, I have had it better than most and there are some aspects of the unit I enjoy, but to a large extent, it’s a mismatch with my strengths. Even my boss has said on several occasions I’m not supposed to be in sales, that I should be in either Internal audit or Risk management. 

Those are the aspects that bring out the fire in me. It’s what gets me excited about my job. You see all that sales ish? Hustling to get accounts and build a portfolio? I’m so not cut out for it. How I have managed to meet my targets has been God all the way. Give me figures, reconciliation, or credit to appraise/structure, then you will see the excitement in my eyes. 

I felt my head imploding. I was getting overwhelmed by the crossroads I had found myself in. I spoke to two senior colleagues about it and they helped ease my mind a bit. The major work had to be done by me. A few days later, I took the time to have a proper conversation with myself and weigh my options. 

What matters most to me? Where will the decision I take lead me? Will it take me to that place I desire to be by 35 years old? Will I find true happiness in the path I choose to follow?

These questions made it easier for me to decide. 

If I took the job it means hustling afresh, because getting confirmation as an experienced hire in sales is no mean feat. I’ll like to believe I have hustled enough and after 7 years plus, I don’t think that’s the path I want to continue in. 

If I want to continue in this industry for the long term, I’m more inclined to job roles that will enable me to apply my intellect and analytical skills more. I want to challenge myself in sorting issues, or appraising credits. I want to do what I’m truly excited about. 

I chose to not contact the man but will follow through with the interviews if he comes chasing after me with effort (though I won’t be taking the offer even if I got the job). For now, higher pay and next grade are not top priority. Heck, taking a gap year if affordable right now, will even be preferable to me.

I have desired a gap year since 2014. I wrote about it here. Then I was just about a year and three months in my current job. I didn’t take it seriously at the time because I felt I was still adjusting to the corporate world. Interestingly, I wrote that post in November 2014, and six years down I still have that same desire for a gap year, only this time the desire is stronger. 

I also wrote about it again in 2017.

From the two posts, it’s clear I have always wanted a simple quiet life. One lived on my terms where I’m in control of my hours. I’m not a hustler and I don’t enjoy the rat race. Working a corporate job has always been a means to an end; to gain experience, exposure and most importantly, to build funds to be able to afford my dream life. It was never about me climbing the corporate ladder to its peak.

Over the years I have been working hard at building a path to financial freedom. But the thing they never tell you about financial freedom is that it requires a lot of patience. Patience that’s measured in years. 

I’m looking forward to taking a gap year. I need one year to myself. One year to exhale and figure myself out.

Will I return to banking or the corporate world after the gap year? I honestly don’t know. How long will the gap year last? I don’t know either. I do know I need the time to breathe and enjoy the little things of life.

I posted the below caption recently on my Instagram feed, mostly to serve as a reminder to keep myself on track towards attaining my goal. I don’t want to be distracted by following the crowd or go about chasing money when within me I don’t feel happy.

I want to be that guy who stays true to himself no matter what. The guy who damned societal/conventional ways and chose to live the life he dreamed about. This is what I want for myself; to be strong enough to know what I want and also courageous enough to go after it.  

“What is the meaning of life?
To be you, all of you, always, in everything you do – whatever that means to you. You are your own creator. You are your own evolving masterpiece.
Growing up is the realization that you are both the sculpture and the sculptor, the painter and the portrait. Paint yourself however you wish” – Nicolas Cole.

Thinking about these things fills me with hope, but mostly it’s terrifying and it gets a bit overwhelming, especially when the fear of the unknown creeps in. I’m like, okay what’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like I’m going to burn through my savings during the gap year or stop investing to generate more passive income. 

Then the thought comes that what if a bad investment happens and all I saved is wiped out? Or being in a shithole country with no health care system, some health challenge occurs? Guess I’ll just have to pick my life up from the scratch. After all, there was a time I so badly wanted to tear it all down and restart my life afresh. However, since crossing 30 years, all I crave is stability. If I’m to have a massive life change, I want it to be an easy and comfortable transition.

That’s why for now, I can’t just up and take a gap year. I mean, if something happens to my job today, I’ll feel bad for a while but I won’t immediately start looking for another job. I’ll finally take the gap year, though it might be premature and won’t be as convenient as I’d like. That’s why I’m taking my time and working towards it, even though once in a while I still get haunted by this comment someone left on one of my posts – 

“…your journal is funny, serious, realistic, creative, and has great dreams embedded…makes me wonder why you say you don’t know what you want…when you keep pointing out what you want…guess you aren’t ready to push yourself.”

That line – “guess you aren’t ready to push yourself”. It’s one thing to dream, it’s another thing to have the courage to chase after the dream.

Sometimes I find myself daydreaming of the life I desire. It’s so peaceful and comforting. Other times, I legit get anxious thinking about it and everything that could go wrong. Maybe I have been making excuses such as - I haven’t hit the right savings target. When I do, I say nah, this won’t be enough. I increase it and try to reach for an even higher target, running round in the trap of money is never enough.

Another excuse I think I latched on to, was saying I had obligations to my family. Recently it hit me I was putting my life on hold. The other day, I was watching Season 4 of the series – ‘This is Us’. Randolph, one of the characters on the show I relate well to (majorly his struggle with anxiety and his saviour complex) was telling his therapist how he is the one holding his family together. That without him they will all fall apart. 

But truth is, just as his therapist guided him to the fact, even if he is gone tomorrow, they will find their way and still be okay. So I’m learning to let go and know I’m not a hero and people will always be just fine, with or without me. That I have my own life to live and mental space to keep healthy by not carrying on unnecessary weight.

In all of these planning and daydreaming, I have it at the back of my mind that life doesn’t always work out the way we desire/plan. Sometimes it works out better than we hoped for, and there are times plans completely turn on their own and we find ourselves on an entirely new path. But the beauty of humanity is our ability to be resilient and adapt. What matters is, we decided to strike out based on our desire to fulfill our dreams. So wherever the road leads us, at least it was our choice to move and not us sitting around waiting for life to happen to us.

“It’s your life — but only if you make it so. The standards by which you live must be your own standards, your own values, your own convictions in regard to what is right and wrong, what is true and false, what is important and what is trivial. When you adopt the standards and the values of someone else or a community or a pressure group, you surrender your own integrity. You become, to the extent of your surrender, less of a human being.” - Eleanor Roosevelt 

OCTOBER TO REMEMBER

Isn’t it strange how suddenly things can change?

What started as a peaceful protest turned on its head after being hijacked by our very own Government and its sponsored thugs. Overnight the feeling of togetherness and hope young Nigerians relished for two weeks turned into sorrow and despair.

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Tuesday, October 20, 2020 (now commonly referred to as Dark Tuesday or Lekki Tollgate massacre) will forever remain a turning point in our Nation’s history.

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On the 3^rd of October 2020, a video made rounds on
social media showing members of the Special Anti-Robbery Squad (SARS) dragging
a young man out of his car, shooting him, and taking off in his car. This led
to people going on twitter to lament the behaviour of the officers and clamour
for the unit to be scrapped. The hashtag #ENDSARS went viral on Twitter.

SARS is a notorious arm of the Nigerian Police force infamous
for extortion, killings, and harassment of young Nigerians simply because they
use an iPhone, have dreads or have tattoos, ride good cars or look different
from the conventional dressing.

This wasn’t the first time the public has spoken out against the particular unit of the police force. This dates back to 2016. To know about how the unit came about, read up this summary by Funmi Oyatogun for TVPadventures.

Following the tweet by Runtown on October 6, and a few other social
media influencers, about thirty persons made their way to the Force Headquarters
at Ikeja, carrying placards and sign posts to relay their message, seeking an
end to police brutality.

What started as a small group of protesters (initially meant to last 3 days of protesting) slowly grew into a massive protest nationwide (across mostly Southern, Eastern, and Western states) that lasted two weeks.

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I won’t waste energy on the backward set of Northerners
belonging to the Arewa Youth Forum who were pushing a PROSARS campaign. I just
need to state this for the records. These are the same persons we Southerners
rally around asking for an end to Boko Haram. Well, I won’t use a section to
judge the entire North but I still won’t let it slide.

The protests across the Nation were very peaceful. However, what we were fighting against reared its ugly head as the Police in Abuja used tear gas and water tanks to disperse peaceful protesters.

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A tweet from Wizkid opened the gates for celebrities who were hitherto afraid to speak up silent to speak up. One bold tweet from Wizkid woke up a lot of persons and also drew the attention of some international artists. #ENDSARS fast became a movement.

Sadly, on the 10^th of October, Jimoh Isiaka was killed by agents of SARS while maximum force and shooting of live bullets were used in dispersing peaceful protesters in Oyo State. This was met by wide outrage. This added fuel to the protests. More States joined the protests and streets were blocked and taken over. The protests remained peaceful.

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On Sunday, October 11^th, The Inspector General of Police announced via his Twitter handle that the Federal Special Anti-Robbery Squad has been dissolved across all the States of the Federation and also the Federal Capital Territory – Abuja effective immediately.

But we were not buying it. We had seen this script several times before. This wasn’t the first or second time the notorious unit will be disbanded. The police listed a five-point agenda which we refused and brought our own demands #5for5.

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A few days later a new unit – Special Weapon And Tactics (SWAT)
team was announced to replace the defunct SARS. Soon enough, #ENDSWAT began to trend as well. The message was clear, an end
to SARS and not just a change in nomenclature. Crazy thing was that
investigations revealed the police already had a SWAT unit in operation.

The public has lost trust in the police. We went even harder with online and street protests. There was no backing down till real actions were shown towards the end of SARS. The rains couldn’t even stop the protests. That’s how determined young Nigerians were for a change. #ENDSARS isn’t just about police brutality, but an overhaul in the way the country is being run by the Government. We need a system that works and one with 100% accountability.

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Major roads got blocked on a daily while the peaceful protests lasted. Going to and fro work became a hectic task as I always got stuck in traffic for hours. It was inconveniencing, but worth it. I had to wake up early daily, so I could go through before the protesters assembled. Each morning I saw cars parked by the roadside overnight due to the heavy gridlock.

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Those who couldn’t go out to protest did so online. I have never retweeted that much before. Even at the office I took time out to retweet and join the movement. Sometimes I got overwhelmed and had to take daybreaks.

I have never felt so proud to be Nigerian. The youths came together as one voice and fought for change. I felt proud and empowered. The coordination, unity, donations, and all. It was everything - a promise that indeed there is a future for this country in our youths.

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Lekki Tollgate fast became the centre point of the peaceful protests in Lagos. People slept there over night. Daily food and drinks were provided along with medical support. People volunteered to clean up at the end of each day’s protest.

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The organisation by the Feminist coalition was top notch. Even when the Government-sponsored hoodlums started attacking the protesters, from the donations received, private security was hired and dispatched to various locations across the country. Is it not a shame that we had to hire security to protect us when we have the police?

Helplines and a call centre were all set up. A legal team efficiently helped in getting protesters arrested across the country released. It was amazing to watch young people come together, pull resources, and achieve so much in a few days more than this country has ever given us. With a few millions, an efficient ecosystem was set up to cater to every need, in contrast to the billions of naira wasted on failed projects by the Government.

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On Friday 16^th October, Candlelight/Festival of Lights was held in various locations across the Country (was also held in the United Kingdom and Canada on later dates) to honour those lost to police brutality. That night a lot of persons wept, both those physically present at the festival of lights and those of us who followed it online. There was strength and healing in our vulnerability.

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Unfortunately, what felt like a promise for the future was
hijacked by the Government via sponsored thugs. This was a spur for them to
deploy armed soldiers to disperse attack the peaceful protesters. Due to
the mayhem caused by the Government-sponsored thugs, the Lagos State Government
announced a curfew on Tuesday, October 20. Let’s not forget that while the
thugs were attacking protesters, no policeman or army was seen trying to quell
the situation.

Adamant protesters stayed back at the Lekki Tollgate, holding the Nigerian flag and sitting on the road peacefully. While the day was still bright, warning tweets were sent out that everyone should vacate as a picture of some men taking off the cameras at the Toll Gate began circulating. At night fall, the lights at the toll gate was switched off, and then the army came with guns, firing live bullets at the protesters.

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Even if the protesters defied the curfew and they needed to
be dispersed, what happened to water tanks? Tear gas? Why shoot into a crowd of
unarmed peaceful protesters?

The entire country fell silent. The feeling of despair could
be felt in each home. Instagram was filled with the picture of the Nigerian
flag stained with blood. These peaceful protesters sat there in the dark,
holding their country’s flag and singing the national anthem while their own
country shot at them.

Thank God for Dj Switch’s bravery. She was able to stream the events of that chaotic night on her Instagram live. This is one proof the Nigerian Government and Army can’t deny. Over 154,000 persons watched it, even International news media watched it. We all watched how they removed a bullet from the lap of one of the protesters.

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Watching DJ Switch’s Instagram live broke me. I cried myself
to sleep that night. The entire nation was in gloom. The air was filled with
sorrow and broken spirits. This nation broke us all. I went on Instagram to
distract myself but everyone kept posting the blood-stained flag.

Writing this post breaks me all over again as I am forced to remember that traumatic night. I woke up by 5 am the next morning, all was well with the world for a few seconds and then I remembered. My world went dark and I realized it wasn’t a bad dream. It happened. I went online and I saw more horrible videos I missed on the IG live. The tears flowed freely till 6 am when I was able to force myself back to sleep as a way of escape.

When the protests had gained traction and the economy was
being disrupted significantly, we easily judged the older generation as weak.
That they didn’t fight, that they were docile and too quickly resigned to fate,
accepting whatever those in power gave them. If only we knew better.

Like Tunde mentioned in his email to me, he said while
listening to his Mum tell him stories of the ugly things under past
administrators, he noticed her depressed countenance. He finally understood
most of our older folks still have clear memories in their heads due to how
degenerated their minds have become following years of psychological abuse and
torture.  A lot of them haven’t
recovered. So it’s easy for us to judge them as weak and timid after all, those
of us born at the time were just kids with no memories of the past.

Now imagine if they have seen this repeatedly despite years
of activism, compared to us who collectively had our world stopped the night of
the Lekki Tollgate massacre. As I write now, we are still not even healed or
moved on from that day. Those of us who seem to have things together have taken
the easy route of detaching and shutting it out for our sanity’s sake.

For once, I knew what collective grief feels like. We had so much
vigour and momentum, then next moment it felt like cold water had been poured
on us all, and our fire went out. My heart still bleeds. I still get triggered
when I drive past remains of burnt tyres. For once, the every jovial Country
went silent.

We are broken but we will never forget how a democratically
elected government ordered the army to shoot at its unarmed citizens.

We thought we had seen the worst of it, but soon enough we
realized the Government was not done breaking our spirits. They rolled out
their “clean-up” plans, even going as far as denying the events of that Black
Tuesday night. The Lagos State Government started with the lies that there was
no casualty. He did mention forces beyond his control…but then the army said it
was all photoshopped. Wow! Photoshop an Instagram live stream? Seriously??

To add salt to injury, the President gave a very insensitive and
aloof broadcast way after 24hours. The speech, in summary was a threat to the
citizens to desist from exercising their rights to protest and a warning to the
International community to mind their business. He couldn’t even acknowledge the
Lekki Tollgate shooting. Not even a reference or comfort words to lives lost.

There have been several propaganda going on to discredit the
horrendous actions of the Army on that dark Tuesday night. The question of who
ordered the shooting at peaceful protesters has been left unanswered. The Lagos
State Governor admitted recently after being grilled on CNN that the army shot
at the protesters. This was days after his denial and claiming it was forces
beyond his control.

The next day, the army released a statement saying the Lagos
State Government invited the army to help control the protests. It’s been a
week of hearing trash and insensitive statements from those who are supposed to
lead us. The entire system is broken and filled with nonentities.

For those who have let the Government gaslight them and cast
doubts in their minds about the events of Lekki Toll gate, it’s quite a pity.
Worse are those who have chosen to act smart and turn into some form of
conspiracy theorists questioning if any one died. As if, no death makes the
army shooting at peaceful protesters with the lights turned off any less of a
crime.

This was very personal to me. I muted and unfollowed a lot of
persons and brands on Instagram who were so insensitive posting unrelated
matters, especially the Nigerian brands and citizens who didn’t realize that
this fight was for all of us. For the black Americans who we all collectively
joined to fight when the Black Lives Matter took centre stage, it was sad
seeing that they held on to their ignorant notion that being black is exclusively
for them. Their silence was very loud and duly noted.

We can’t all be activists, but we should all be socially conscious.

Like I tweeted a few days ago, for me, denying the events of
that Tuesday night is like denying the Holocaust and I won’t have that near me.
I’m ready to block and unfriend anyone who wants to spit on the graves of the
lives lost in this fight against police brutality.

Yes, the government seems to have gotten away with their
atrocities but all is not lost. One thing is for sure, this has caused a
conscious awakening in the youths. We may have been beaten down, but that’s
just for now. We are not going to give up fighting for a country that works, we
will keep pushing and we will take back our country.

Two things we can take away from the #ENDSARS protests are –

1. Nigerians are good people and this generation goes beyond tribe or religion when it’s for a good cause. Case in point – this protester’s picture was shared and people were asked to donate to get her a prosthetic leg. Within two days more than enough was raised.

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2. Contrary to what most of us had concluded about our country, this country can work. Feminist collation proved this.

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There have been statements from the International community and
Governments against the shooting of peaceful protesters but in my opinion, they
have been weak statements not going to be backed by any action. To be honest,
we are on our own. This is our fight and we will have to fight it to the end
ourselves. This country belongs to all of us and as Aisha Yesufu said, no
Nigerian is more Nigerian than any Nigerian.

The Government may try to deny and come up with lame embarrassing
tricks, but shame on them. They are only making a fool of themselves and
showing how low their mentality is. I mean Babatunde Fashola (Minister for
Works) made a big shame of himself walking up to that camcorder placed at the
toll gate days after the place has been swept, acting like some Sherlock Holmes
who discovered evidence.

I told someone who asked if the Government thinks we are daft
to believe the foolish display by Fashola, that this is not about us being daft
or gullible. It’s in fact, a reflection of how limited their reasoning and
sense of creativity is for them to come up with such. Quite unfortunate that
these are the people in charge of leading this nation. Little wonder why things
keep growing worse daily.

They can try but they won’t be able to erase history. There is already a Wikipedia page and Nairametrics has a page documenting the daily events from the start of the protests to date (it is updated daily).

The street protests may be over in Nigeria, but the fight is still on. We are not going to relent in our quest for change and accountability.

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We will heal from this, but we will never forget. In our
grief, we will grow stronger and the unity of the youths that so much threatens
this Government will prevail.

All hope is not lost.

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To all the souls lost to police brutality, before, during, and after the protests, your deaths shall not be in vain. We shall continue to say your names.

#ENDSARS