BLUR…

“Everything’s so blurry
And everyone’s so fake
And everybody’s empty
And everything is so messed up…” – Blurry (Puddle of Mudd)

I know I said in my last post I had put a stop to drinking, oh well…I haven’t. It feels like a lifeline these days. After back-to-back daily work stress during the week and then school on Saturdays, it seems okay to let go and find temporary relief/comfort in alcohol on Saturday nights. I don’t see myself turning into an alcoholic or getting addicted (well till I got tipsy last weekend and started craving a blunt).

I ended my February post talking about being stable, and that the storm I faced in January had calmed. I guess I claimed victory way too early. It's mid-March and I feel broken, hanging by a thread.

Philip was trying to get me to pinpoint the exact issue troubling me. I tried to reply to his chat but I couldn’t find the words to type. I sent him a voice note and on and on I went. In summary, my personality make-up of being a Highly sensitive person/Empath is the bane of my existence. Oh, add anxiety into the mix. *Sigh

At this point, I don’t even know exactly what’s going on with me anymore. I know I feel overwhelmed constantly and I have spent all monthly trying to calm myself. This has never really been difficult to do in the past; pausing, staying still, and doing breathing exercises always worked. But these days, it’s been a struggle to center myself, and it wears me out even faster. 

****

Why do I feel this way daily? Is it because I’m yet to balance graduate school with my routine? It’s weird considering when I’m in class I love every moment and it’s a refreshing breathe of air to be experiencing different but familiar energy. 

Or maybe it’s because I have refused to process the fact that my younger one had a little relapse and has been on admission for the past two weeks. I choose to not sit with this thought or feel anything about it. I have dropped this matter at the feet of God. It’s not in my circle of concern so I won’t let it break me any further

Or could it be the scary coincidence that my colleagues are losing their parents at the office? This has to be the major trigger. At first, we were all wondering what was happening, trying to draw a pattern of how many persons on my office floor have lost a parent in the last couple of months in quick succession.

But after Friday's news, it dawned on us it wasn’t even just my branch alone, but the entire Benin City region. 

Tuesday last week, a colleague brought the photo album of her Dad’s funeral that was concluded the upper week. I couldn’t attend because I had to travel to attend another colleague’s mother’s funeral in another State.

Eme, one of my team members hugged her and consoled her. If only she knew the next day she will be the one being consoled. Mehn! Life! The next morning Eme called me to tell me she lost her Dad.

I lost it.

Everyone was concerned and asking what’s happening with all these losses? Oh, two days before this, a colleague in another branch had also lost his mum. While everyone had seemed to pull themselves together and moved on (life always moves on rudely), I was still a mess, no thanks to my personality that feels things more than the average person does.

I literarily froze that day.

I was having a rush of empathy for Eme and while also freaking out on the odd pattern that seemed to be unfolding. Eme was going to be the 5th person on our floor to lose a parent in a time frame, and who knows what number in the region?

Two colleagues had to stay with me as I fought back tears, visibly shaking. Afterward, I stayed alone for a long while, trying to get myself. I locked myself in and took a nap but woke up with a headache.

Friday, two days later, We got word another colleague and my pal in another branch lost his mother that morning. Mehn, it was too much! I couldn’t function or concentrate on work. My chest began to tighten and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I reached out to a couple of friends online because I couldn’t go through it alone anymore. 

I took Philip's advice of going for a walk and found myself outside the building. I tried to distract myself by talking with a security man outside but this wasn’t helping. I had to find a place at the car park to sit for a while, doing breathing exercises and trying to not let my mind wander to scary territory. 

****

Last week wasn’t pleasant. 

Currently, I feel broken, torn, and worn out. My head keeps spinning constantly day in, day out. I tried to rest yesterday, as Sundays are the only free days I have now, but I felt sore for most parts. I remember getting to church in the morning, still seated in my car at the parking lot of the church. I attempted to take deep breaths as I normally do to calm my social anxiety before stepping into the congregation.

Taking deep breaths failed me. I didn’t feel any better.

I let out a shout, mostly out of all the frustrations of not being able to kick out crazy thoughts from my head. Normally this feeling lasts for a day or two. Having to deal with this constantly for two weeks going, is a bit too much for me.

If you follow this journal, you’ll know I normally update at month-end. But this is me writing mid-month for relief, to clear my head, and hit restart before March consumes me.

I did my chores yesterday, had melancholic music on for most parts of the day, and slept. The activities helped bring down my stress level. I tried reading but it only made me feel even more strained. I was jumping from one activity to the other looking for ease, for something to calm my weary soul.

I think I countered my efforts though, by putting pressure on myself to get fully rested ahead of Monday because I dread the feeling I have been struggling with each day at the office for a while now. I sit on my desk, trying to pause time so I can catch my breath. Fighting to kick out the thoughts that people are losing their parents in turns, that it's a pattern. Praying that it stops and doesn’t come near me. It’s a constant mental rollercoaster. 

Did I forget to mention I broke my pact with my colleague about not buying non-essential stuff for the remaining part of the year? I’m back to shopping for relief. This escape is too expensive, so I have decided not to leave cash fallow in my account anymore.

Do I start questioning why I’m built this way? Is it possible to stop being a highly sensitive person? Can my genetic makeup be modified? If there was a pill to take, I will gladly take it because this feels all too much and I might implode if my head doesn’t stop spinning!

“I’ve learned that life is so cruel it doesn’t slow down or pause while you break” – Mofiyinfoluwa Okupe

“Is it just me or does anybody feel the way that I feel?
They’re just not being real
Tell me, is it just me or is anybody thinking all the same shit?
They are not just saying it
Or is it just me?” – Is it just me? (Sasha Sloan)

****

Do I need saving? Do I need to be rescued?
Is my personality a venom to myself?
Is this my cry for help? Is anyone listening?

God, did you hear me yesterday morning when I was rambling to you even though prayer wasn’t the activity going at that moment in church? 

The month still has several days to go, the first half of this month has been a blur. I sincerely pray the remaining days are easier. That 2021 gives me a break and I find balance. That I find ease and enjoy each passing day. That I’ll be whole and not just function in autopilot mode, but live and savor every waking moment of my existence. 

I’m letting this out, and I hope the universe hears me and is kind enough to oblige me. 

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour

And I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine” – Oceans (Hillsong UNITED)

2021 so far… (The happenings)

Plans.

/plan/

noun

plural noun: plans

1. an intention or decision about what one is going to do.

verb

3rd person present: plans

1. decide on and make arrangements for in advance

I make plans for almost everything. If I don’t, it’s going to be chaos in my head, which will inevitably culminate in me breaking down. I’m the guy who draws up daily to-do lists, monthly expense lists and ticks them off as they are settled. I make plans mostly to keep myself sane, to sort of have control, stay centered, and not entirely about keeping me focused on my goals.

How do I feel when plans go off course? I feel like screaming and breaking things.

This is how I felt all through January.

Mostly I felt tired; more mentally tired than physically.

If anyone should ask me how 2021 has been so far, I’ll pause for a minute, sigh, and say – “off-course”.

This is not how I planned or hoped my 2021 will start. I thought I’ll ease into the year, take each day as it came; one breath at a time. But as always, life has a way of making a mockery of one’s plans.
It’s less than 60 days into 2021 and it feels like a continuation of 2020. People are still dying, the pandemic is still raging, the world is still going to shit and Twitter is still a madhouse.

I’m writing this post because I need to gain clarity and restart my 2021, the same way I did last year. This is the first official restart, and I hope I don’t have to do this several times before 2021 will start making sense.

If only I have the luxury of taking the first two weeks of every year for myself - Seclude myself, sit with my thoughts and design a clear plan for the year without getting distracted by life’s needs.

At the beginning of the year, I wanted to embrace solitude and bask in the quiet embrace of my own company.

I tried to create this space for myself over the yuletide season, but life came at me so quickly.
I started the year ill. After treating malaria, I had ulcer issues and had to be placed on medication for a month plus. A side effect of one of the drugs was dizziness. This caused me to sleep off while driving on my way back from work, damaging the car I had just spent a lot of money reworking. The same week I got the car back, was the same week I had the accident. Thankfully no one was hurt.

After the accident, I struggled with PTSD. The first time I drove past the accident spot, I froze on the steering. I kept looking at the spot, trying to replay how it went down, viewing the imagery from a third person’s view. It took a car honking for me to get back to myself and drive off.

I’m intentionally refusing to let my mind draw a pattern. I had an accident the same month (January) last year. Once in a while, the irrational fear pops up that next January another accident will happen.

****

January felt like 60days.

Sixty days of me barely existing, trying to find my way through life even though nothing appealed to me. I aimed to survive each day and showed up where I was needed.

I was barely able to stay afloat. Though I moved taking my daily dosage of the drugs to late evenings, I still suffered light-headedness while driving. Work wasn’t pleasant. I was physically present but my soul wasn’t. Things were happening around me but not registering. I was on auto mode. Taking deep breaths every morning helped most times. The world kept spinning around me, leaving me out of breath. It always felt like I was racing time, but never able to catch up.

I needed to breathe, but I couldn’t seem to get the chance off work to that.

Then, I crashed.

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• 

• 

I tried my best to be healthy. I tried to distract myself with social media, I binged online articles, I let go of hope, did lazy exercises, took deep breaths, and slept early. I went back to reading Ore Fakorede’s Talking to myself at 21 post, hoping it would somehow miraculously calm me down. Still, each day suffocated me the more. I felt lost most of the time.

“I needed shelter
Shelter from the rain
I’m cold and I’m weary
I’ve lost my way
Gotta find my way home
Can I find my way home?” – My way home (AG & GoldFord)

I had a lapse in judgment and chose self-destructive ways to ease my troubled mind.

I had last year planned to get some new shoes and clothes this year, tied to a specific budget. I felt I deserved it after staying off getting shopping in 2020. When everything hit hard, I turned to shopping for relief. I kept telling myself life is short, that what if I had died in the accident? The money I’m saving, of what use will it be? I ended up exceeding my initial budget by over 250%.

I knew I was headed the wrong path when I ordered eleven pairs of shoes online in one night. This was after ordering over seven pairs previously. People say don’t go out, so you don’t spend but apparently, this doesn’t apply to people with online shopping addictions.

I turned to drinking to make the nights bearable. It was a toxic, yet welcome companion. Each time I drank, I went to bed with my head floating, legs staggering to my bed like I was walking on air. Once I hit the bed, sleep always took over, saving me the torture of emptiness.

I have put a lid on it before I turn into an alcoholic. I had to consciously choose to heal in a healthy way. Special thanks to the folks that reached out to me on Instagram via DM – Margaret, Bayo, and Chidi especially. They gave me an avenue to rant and spill out the shit going on in my head.

****

Entering February, I longed for ease. I can’t remember how I found this song but it’s been very helpful in calming me down –

“Darling, you gotta keep breathing
Lose yourself in the feeling
Just be slow, just be slow
Take it back to that moment
Before you start to feel broken
Just be slow, just be slow” – Be Slow (Harrison Storm)

Just as plans help to keep me centered, routines also play a major role in helping me feel grounded. In my search for a fuller and more balanced life, I have altered my perfect weekend routine which usually kept me relaxed and refreshed.

The Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) has called off their strike, and Graduate school has resumed. After almost a year of gaining admission, I have finally gone back to school.

I have in the past written why I decided to go back to school ten years after my first degree. Initially, I felt ready and missed preparing for exams. I also longed for new knowledge. These still hold, but I won’t say they are the main reasons why I’m currently thrilled about graduate school. It’s not particularly a search for purpose or meaning, more of the need for a change. I mean, 2021 has since been feeling like 2020. I needed something different from my usual life routine, something to excite me.

My classes are on Saturdays (thankful Fridays are not included) but this has altered my routine. I’m trying to find a new routine and hopefully find balance soon. The experience so far, being in a classroom has been refreshing. The energy and doing something different gives me so much life. Funny, on the first day of resumption, my competitive part showed up. I looked around, trying to size the room and see who will drag the top of the class with me (lol, some things don’t change).

I got hold of myself on time and reminded myself I wasn’t here to win any prizes. This is me doing school all over again to enjoy the experience. I permit myself to have fun, to fail tests (but not exams sha), to miss classes, and not take things too seriously. I’m allowed to take breaks if I feel school work is making me slip over the edge.

Though I’m majorly back in school to learn, I’m also here to create an alternative life and find an escape, something productive to spice up my life. This is more or less a lifeline. There is still no travel for now and God knows, if I hadn’t found something out of my usual to cling to, I would have imploded by now.

2020 was super basic for me. The year nothing exciting happened. I lived an average life trying to survive the Covid-19 plagued year. It's fine, I mean it was a trying year for everyone but to have 2021 go the same way? God forbid! I honestly don’t want that for myself this year, I’m not sure I can stand such a bleh life again.

However, I don’t feel balanced yet. I haven’t found comfort in my new routine, though I think it fits perfectly even though I barely have a full day for rest anymore. Saturdays used to be my rest days, but that’s for school now. Chores have been pushed to Sundays which now also doubles as my rest days after church. With time though, I think my body will get used to the new arrangement. First thing though, I need to stop telling myself that I have bitten more than I can chew and start accepting this is now my reality.

Sincerely, I don’t like stress. I won’t pretend mixing weekend graduate school classes with work isn’t going to be stressful. Weekends for rest will now be for classes and studying, so when do I rest? Anyway, if I can’t cope, dropping out is an option. 

****

One thing that keeps me going, asides from the excitement of the new life I seem to have created with Graduate School, is my looking forward to a gap year - my version of Eat Pray Love. 

Sometimes I let my mind wander and bask in the thought of me living my dream life. While searching for ease through the smog that was January, I re-watched the movie to water my soul. I found it comforting, watching her grasp the freedom to breathe, to be, and blossom.  

I strongly desire a similar experience - To be able to bask in the sweetness of doing nothing, of doing things because I want to and not because I have to…to chill and enjoy ease. Have the luxury of taking life in my stride. Experience things, take it all in, savoring every experience while not running against time.

Hopefully, my gap year will be what I hope it will be, and even much more. An opportunity to enjoy the little moments of life, discover myself, and most importantly, explore my creative side. An opportunity to taste life and breathe fresh energy into my soul, where life won’t be in fast forward and I will experience every second to the fullest. 

“Times get tough, but I don't give up
'Cause I know I'm not alone
'Cause we're all reaching for something
We're all craving change
Hoping tomorrow is better than today
We're all searching for some way
Trying to find a way
Hoping tomorrow is better than today” – Better than Today (Ryhs Lewis)

****

I’m thankful February was a lot lighter than January, hopefully, the coming month gets even better. I miss the feeling of true happiness I felt in December. Funny, how then I said I didn’t trust the feeling, that soon it will be over. Well, I miss that state of mind I was in. I want it back, so I’ll try to hold on to happiness and work towards getting to that point where I felt so much possibility about life.

2021 might seem to have started in fast-forward for me, but I think to a considerable extent, the storm has calmed. Right now at this very moment, writing this post I feel whole, stable, and centered. I hope this feeling lasts…

“So try to your dying breath to hold on to happiness
'Cause life is just a moment and one day it's over
And it's cruel how the time can pass, the deepest rivers move so fast
And life's just a moment, so know when it's golden
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on to happiness
Hold on, hold on, hold on” – Hold on to Happiness (Rhys Lewis)

2020 (Year in review)

I think we can all agree 2020 has been a weird year. I bet everyone’s year-end review will make reference to the covid-19 pandemic and how it shaped their year. 2020 has been a year of canceled plans and having to make peace with the new normal. A year of chaos, anxiety, calm and surrender. The year facemasks and face shields became a necessity.

• 

• 

At first, there was so much hope that in a few months the pandemic will be all over and life would be back to normal. But as the months went on, everyone had to adjust their lives and stopped fighting the change. The feeling of apprehension mixed with hope slowly faded into one of acceptance and readjustments.

No one envisaged that the year will turn out the way it did. Asides from covid-19, there were numerous deaths of loved celebrities people looked up to. Two deaths shook me to my core – Kobe Bryant and Chadwick Boseman. The Black Lives Matter (BLM) abroad and then the Endsars movement here in Nigeria (which was crushed when the Nigerian Government decided to use the army to shoot its unarmed citizens) caused a major strain on my mental health.

2020 did have collective dark moments, that’s one thing for sure. But thankfully, we saw Trump get defeated at the US presidential elections. At least, that’s one thing 2020 got right. The energy shift; four years of lousiness and chaos finally ended. It's back to decorum and decency. Good riddance to bad rubbish. 

If I’m to capture this year in one word, it will be ‘omo!’  Just when I was getting over one L, the year would hit me with another.

A huge part of my life went dormant this year. I’m an avid traveler and this is the first time in three years I didn’t get to leave the shores of Nigeria. I had grand plans to tour at least five countries in Europe and take the number of countries I have been to from 11 to 18. But covid-19 made sure I didn’t have to bring out my passport all year round.

I had planned to start a graduate program at the University of Benin this year, in line with the commitment I made last year as regards furthering my education. But 2020 was the year the Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) went on strike for a record 9 months period.

However, I made good on my last year’s commitment to do some professional courses. I got inducted into two professional bodies this year. Preparing for the examinations made me miss schooling. Besides, it’s been Ten years I got my first degree. I had healed and rested enough from the rigors of my undergraduate days and was ready to get back in the game but then 2020 and ASUU strike happened.

The
strike has led to loss of one year off of my short term goals. I’m not going to
bother about it, I’ll trust the process as usual and see where life leads me.
One thing I know for sure and have seen happen severally in my life is, God is
not a God of confusion. He always gives me better than I plan and in the end,
things always work out well. So I’m chilled and waiting for school to resume.

I long gave up on 2020 even before the coronavirus led to a somewhat collective write-off of the year. A major part of my life/year is usually centered on my career. So imagine how I felt when my Group Head increased my team’s already bloated budget for the year. The initial budget was already a tall order, only to get stretched even further. Then covid-19 induced lockdown happened, affecting businesses and certain economic policies were taken to even worsen the already impossible situation. I detached, knowing this wasn’t going to be the year.

People were like, things will work out fine in the end, but nah, when it comes to certain things I love accepting reality and making peace with it. If things do get better than I envisage, good. If not, I’m fine all the same. 

“And then this: Fighting against reality really is foolish. Find out what the reality is, and then work with it, embrace it, shape it, use it. This way, you achieve your goals with the least resistance, and you have peace.” – Chude Jideonwo

Even as I write, my team recently lost a big account. I said ‘omo’ again and moved on. See eh, 2020 do and end because the evil you have done is enough.

I remember starting the year frustrated because my finances were not looking great. I had set the largest personal savings target ever for myself, next thing interest rates on investment instruments started plummeting. I also didn’t get a dime of performance bonus paid out half-year and full-year at the office. Usually, the bonus helps me meet my saving targets before the year runs out, but this year I was just looking as my colleagues were all getting credit alerts around me. 

There was a time I had to ignore my financial excel sheet for weeks. At a time, I thought for once, I won’t be able to meet my savings target for the year. Falling interest rates from NGN Treasury bills were having an adverse ripple effect on various investment instruments. I had to pray that God provides alternative investments, and He did. My year was saved by alternative investments, and one prayer God also answered for me, was that none of my investments will go south. Thankfully, despite my two almost near misses, I didn’t lose a kobo. 

Also, despite the sacrifices made to be there for friends and also without my go-to investment options and productivity bonus, I was still able to surpass my savings target. Though this was also partly due to no travels this year.

When all my trips got canceled, I realized I had a good opportunity to build a structure for my passive income (everyone is about creating a path to financial independence these days). I'm thankful for reduced expenses which enabled me to have more disposable income to invest, even though I had to endure a pay cut due to the pandemic. I sat down and cut my expenses, letting go of certain luxuries. I think this is a mistake most persons make; not reducing their expenses in times of falling income.

I decided to practice delayed gratification. Shoes are my weakness and I’m also a bit of an online shopping addict. I’m so proud to say I conquered these habits this year. Even though I kept adding things to my cart online, I didn’t purchase anything. The only things I spent money on outside my usual monthly expenses were asoebi for the numerous weddings that came with the year and a jacket to support my friend’s tailoring business. 

I also learned to convert cheap debt to source of revenue. On the norm. I’m risk-averse and hate being in debt. But this year, I had to adjust my risk level and take some calculated risks. I mean, a major part of my job role has to do with intermediation, so why was I not applying these skills in my personal life to boost my passive income?

I dabbled into the capital market, thanks to Henry. I made some cool bucks here though I later realized I should have held the shares a little longer. Anyway, it was my first time and I have learned a lot in a few months about the best time to sell or hold shares. But one thing that still holds is, investing in the stock market needs market knowledge/share price history and lots of patience.

Most of these ideas I got were from conversations with friends. I’m extremely thankful for such productive friendships, not all the time vibes and sharing of memes. And yes, special thanks to Aduraseyi for introducing me to the agrotech world, this industry played a vital role in my finances this year.

Personally, 2020 has been quite a rollercoaster. My favourite part of the year has to be the lockdown period, funny enough. I loved the stillness that came with it. My life felt stable and peaceful. Sadly this was disrupted by anxiety from following the BLM movement on the news. 

In all, I had a good level of personal growth during the lockdown period as I was able to dig deep within, have conversations with myself I had long been running from and found clarity. I read lots of self-help articles online, and went through two hard copy books as well.

Another issue that also gave me anxiety, which I discussed with only one person (Henry) was the Edo State Governorship elections. Right from the primaries to the final elections, it was all twists and turns. The incumbent governor in a power tussle with the ousted APC chairman. The incumbent Governor winning had major consequences for me; career-wise and personally. Anyway, I’m glad that after all the drama, he won and the will of the people prevailed. Indeed Edo is not Lagos.

I had to lean on doing chores (mostly cleaning my apartment) to gain clarity and calm. It’s weird how that worked out well for me.

Towards the end of the year, I started perfecting my unbothered skills. It’s always been my desire to grow to that level where my initial reaction to things is that of calm. For someone managing anxiety, this has been quite a journey. But I think I made good progress this year mostly regarding not stressing about work or stuff that needs fixing or expenses to be sorted out. I learned to push them aside mentally till resources were available or I had the mental space to deal. 

I have learned to sleep on decisions the same way I learned to defer expenses. I used to be this as e dey hot kinda guy. I used to make decisions hastily, sort out issues, and clear out my to-do-list ASAP. But truth is, all that was adding more pressure to an already difficult adulthood. I think subconsciously, the stillness that came with this year has led me on a path of ease, of taking things in their stride and not hurting myself in the process. 

Life is easy when you take it one day at a time, breath after breath. No pressure, no rush (But this doesn’t make an excuse for laziness or procrastination. I still hold myself accountable in meeting deadlines and not flaking on commitments).

On love; this year I decided to start identifying as avoidant. Not after my rough February experience that left me with PTSD from being walked out on, coupled with a friendship that felt overwhelming and all so consuming at the time (I don’t think I handled this well though). I felt broken by both experiences, the only way to survive was to push them away. Thankfully we are all good and things have balanced out now.

As for being avoidant, deep down I acknowledge it’s not who I truly am. Yes, I hate the work that comes with relationships but truth is, I do want companionship and I’ll gladly do an easy relationship than being alone. But let’s face the facts, relationships require hard work. I’m all for ease, so being an avoidant is the less expensive option for my heart. 

Have you ever felt such pain that made you seclude into self? Shut the world out, lose trust in people, and always fear no one will stay? That they will always walk away and leave you shattered? That’s what I went through and I’m still recovering from it. So yes, being alone is difficult but I choose this cross over reliving that kind of pain. I’m choosing the lesser burden of being alone. It’s what I have made peace with.

2020 has been a relatively peaceful and stable year for me mentally, well, asides from the one or two times anxiety tried to get the better of me. In all, I’m thankful that compared to previous years there was no particular major breakdown. However, two weeks ago life wanted to try it with me, but thankfully, I managed to center myself and not lose it. Thanks to Dr. Pascal and Henry that were my anchor through it.

I told Henry at a point that I didn’t feel like celebrating my birthday which at the time was a few days away. He encouraged me to take each day as it came. Thankfully, it got easier as the days went by and I had one of my best birthdays ever. My colleagues showed up for me and friends sent in wonderful birthday gifts I wasn’t expecting. (I’m still not big on birthdays or birthday gifts).

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• 

Here’s what I posted on Instagram a few days ago about why I felt excited about my birthday even though we’ve all had quite a year.

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On a lighter note, thanks to working from home during the lockdown period, I was able to grow out my hair and keep a mini afro once again. I once carried afro in my SS3 and early university days. Unfortunately, I couldn’t keep the hair for long this time around as the castor oil I purchased caused the hair at the middle of my head to come off. Still, I was fortunate to try three different hairstyles this year. I've always been the guy who loves to express himself creatively with his hair but this has been limited because of my corporate job.

“I just wanna be myself
And I want you to love me for who I am
I just wanna be myself
And I want you to know I am my hair
…
I'm as free as my hair
I am my hair
Free as my hair” – Lady Gaga (Hair)

• 

• 

• 

I’m thankful for the ‘weird’ year 2020 has been. I’m thankful for all that went down and all the gbas gbos that came with the year. What matters is that we made it and that we are still here. Here’s to those we lost along the way. Every soul lost to the pandemic means something, each individual is more than a statistic. Also here’s to all the heroes lost during the fight for social justice, especially during the Endsars protest. We will never forget.

At this very moment, I feel whole and I’m truly happy and feel this sense of freedom/peace, a feeling I’m not accustomed to at the end of a financial year career-wise.

I’m thankful for the clarity that came with this year, for the path I’m on, and here’s hoping that the coming year helps me consolidate on the progress I have made this year in all spheres of life and of course, a positive turnaround in the fortunes of my team at the office. 

Here’s to a better 2021, hoping it brings an end to the covid-19 menace as it's now apparent December 31, 2020, is not going to be the expiry date for the pandemic as we all bullishly thought.

CROSSROADS

“We strip our lives bare of the colour that comes with variety till all that’s left is the black-and-white monotony of what we do for a living.
Is this what we call a life though?” – Ore Fakorede

Lately, I’ve been thinking about where my life is headed (Nah, it’s not because my 32nd birthday is less than a month away, neither is it because the realization hits harder daily that 35 years keeps getting closer). 

35 feels like a deciding age that’ll tell if I’ll be truly happy or have to settle for what society and economic realities has in store. I guess after hitting 35, dreading 40 will most likely follow. Lowkey, it keeps me focused on achieving set goals for my life. I sincerely hope there is a point where this journey turns into savouring the reward of the sacrifices made in the past.

“Yes, age is just a number, but we can’t deny that 30 years means so much. It feels like a major turning point, a major milestone in life that ushers one into the path of who you truly are and what the rest of your life is likely going to be about. It’s almost as if the teen years and twenties are your years of testing the waters, figuring out who you are and who you want to be. Stepping into the big 30 feels like now, the true-life race has started – Sayi, 2019.

What got me thinking about the trajectory of my life centres around a conversation I had with my Dad last two months.

I was about to leave for work that day when he called me to say so and so guy who is the regional head in another bank asked if I’m still interested in working with them.

A part of me felt excited I was being sort after, while another part freaked because the possibility of taking up the offer and then having to find balance in a new environment felt heavy. Back then in the University, I always said I’ll not spend more than two years in an organization as it would be very boring. I saw myself switching jobs regularly, but alas, I have since come to realize I’m that guy who loves stability and comfort (as far as things are working out very fine).

I went to work that day confused about a lot of things. Should I reach out and set up the interview? I had initiated our first interview last year when I needed to have options in case my organization didn’t promote me. When my promotion happened, I ended the conversation. Now they were the ones initiating it, this gave me an upper hand for negotiation, but still, I felt uneasy.

At the office, my dilemma worsened when I talked with an ex-colleague who just resumed in the same organization. He gave me a rundown of their remuneration and it was better than what obtains in my organization for the same higher level I would be going for. 

Why I was still conflicted? I mean, it seemed like an easy decision. 

Well, after working 7 years and a few months, I have gotten to that point where making decisions isn’t all about the money or getting the next grade. I know this doesn’t apply to most. I mean, the consensus is to be loyal to yourself and go for the higher pay, and if it comes with the next grade, even better. 

At the end of last year, I carved out a short term plan to switch my career path though in the same industry. Yes, covid-19 has messed up the plans to a large extent, but I’m still focused on following it through even though I’m not being 100% committed for now. 

Accepting the offer will mean I continue in my current career path and truth be told, I’m bored with it. Yes, I have had it better than most and there are some aspects of the unit I enjoy, but to a large extent, it’s a mismatch with my strengths. Even my boss has said on several occasions I’m not supposed to be in sales, that I should be in either Internal audit or Risk management. 

Those are the aspects that bring out the fire in me. It’s what gets me excited about my job. You see all that sales ish? Hustling to get accounts and build a portfolio? I’m so not cut out for it. How I have managed to meet my targets has been God all the way. Give me figures, reconciliation, or credit to appraise/structure, then you will see the excitement in my eyes. 

I felt my head imploding. I was getting overwhelmed by the crossroads I had found myself in. I spoke to two senior colleagues about it and they helped ease my mind a bit. The major work had to be done by me. A few days later, I took the time to have a proper conversation with myself and weigh my options. 

What matters most to me? Where will the decision I take lead me? Will it take me to that place I desire to be by 35 years old? Will I find true happiness in the path I choose to follow?

These questions made it easier for me to decide. 

If I took the job it means hustling afresh, because getting confirmation as an experienced hire in sales is no mean feat. I’ll like to believe I have hustled enough and after 7 years plus, I don’t think that’s the path I want to continue in. 

If I want to continue in this industry for the long term, I’m more inclined to job roles that will enable me to apply my intellect and analytical skills more. I want to challenge myself in sorting issues, or appraising credits. I want to do what I’m truly excited about. 

I chose to not contact the man but will follow through with the interviews if he comes chasing after me with effort (though I won’t be taking the offer even if I got the job). For now, higher pay and next grade are not top priority. Heck, taking a gap year if affordable right now, will even be preferable to me.

I have desired a gap year since 2014. I wrote about it here. Then I was just about a year and three months in my current job. I didn’t take it seriously at the time because I felt I was still adjusting to the corporate world. Interestingly, I wrote that post in November 2014, and six years down I still have that same desire for a gap year, only this time the desire is stronger. 

I also wrote about it again in 2017.

From the two posts, it’s clear I have always wanted a simple quiet life. One lived on my terms where I’m in control of my hours. I’m not a hustler and I don’t enjoy the rat race. Working a corporate job has always been a means to an end; to gain experience, exposure and most importantly, to build funds to be able to afford my dream life. It was never about me climbing the corporate ladder to its peak.

Over the years I have been working hard at building a path to financial freedom. But the thing they never tell you about financial freedom is that it requires a lot of patience. Patience that’s measured in years. 

I’m looking forward to taking a gap year. I need one year to myself. One year to exhale and figure myself out.

Will I return to banking or the corporate world after the gap year? I honestly don’t know. How long will the gap year last? I don’t know either. I do know I need the time to breathe and enjoy the little things of life.

I posted the below caption recently on my Instagram feed, mostly to serve as a reminder to keep myself on track towards attaining my goal. I don’t want to be distracted by following the crowd or go about chasing money when within me I don’t feel happy.

I want to be that guy who stays true to himself no matter what. The guy who damned societal/conventional ways and chose to live the life he dreamed about. This is what I want for myself; to be strong enough to know what I want and also courageous enough to go after it.  

“What is the meaning of life?
To be you, all of you, always, in everything you do – whatever that means to you. You are your own creator. You are your own evolving masterpiece.
Growing up is the realization that you are both the sculpture and the sculptor, the painter and the portrait. Paint yourself however you wish” – Nicolas Cole.

Thinking about these things fills me with hope, but mostly it’s terrifying and it gets a bit overwhelming, especially when the fear of the unknown creeps in. I’m like, okay what’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like I’m going to burn through my savings during the gap year or stop investing to generate more passive income. 

Then the thought comes that what if a bad investment happens and all I saved is wiped out? Or being in a shithole country with no health care system, some health challenge occurs? Guess I’ll just have to pick my life up from the scratch. After all, there was a time I so badly wanted to tear it all down and restart my life afresh. However, since crossing 30 years, all I crave is stability. If I’m to have a massive life change, I want it to be an easy and comfortable transition.

That’s why for now, I can’t just up and take a gap year. I mean, if something happens to my job today, I’ll feel bad for a while but I won’t immediately start looking for another job. I’ll finally take the gap year, though it might be premature and won’t be as convenient as I’d like. That’s why I’m taking my time and working towards it, even though once in a while I still get haunted by this comment someone left on one of my posts – 

“…your journal is funny, serious, realistic, creative, and has great dreams embedded…makes me wonder why you say you don’t know what you want…when you keep pointing out what you want…guess you aren’t ready to push yourself.”

That line – “guess you aren’t ready to push yourself”. It’s one thing to dream, it’s another thing to have the courage to chase after the dream.

Sometimes I find myself daydreaming of the life I desire. It’s so peaceful and comforting. Other times, I legit get anxious thinking about it and everything that could go wrong. Maybe I have been making excuses such as - I haven’t hit the right savings target. When I do, I say nah, this won’t be enough. I increase it and try to reach for an even higher target, running round in the trap of money is never enough.

Another excuse I think I latched on to, was saying I had obligations to my family. Recently it hit me I was putting my life on hold. The other day, I was watching Season 4 of the series – ‘This is Us’. Randolph, one of the characters on the show I relate well to (majorly his struggle with anxiety and his saviour complex) was telling his therapist how he is the one holding his family together. That without him they will all fall apart. 

But truth is, just as his therapist guided him to the fact, even if he is gone tomorrow, they will find their way and still be okay. So I’m learning to let go and know I’m not a hero and people will always be just fine, with or without me. That I have my own life to live and mental space to keep healthy by not carrying on unnecessary weight.

In all of these planning and daydreaming, I have it at the back of my mind that life doesn’t always work out the way we desire/plan. Sometimes it works out better than we hoped for, and there are times plans completely turn on their own and we find ourselves on an entirely new path. But the beauty of humanity is our ability to be resilient and adapt. What matters is, we decided to strike out based on our desire to fulfill our dreams. So wherever the road leads us, at least it was our choice to move and not us sitting around waiting for life to happen to us.

“It’s your life — but only if you make it so. The standards by which you live must be your own standards, your own values, your own convictions in regard to what is right and wrong, what is true and false, what is important and what is trivial. When you adopt the standards and the values of someone else or a community or a pressure group, you surrender your own integrity. You become, to the extent of your surrender, less of a human being.” - Eleanor Roosevelt 

ONE BREATH AT A TIME (Surviving anxiety)

“and to be honest, there are days where I get super low and I really don’t know why. Like the day could be going perfectly okay but there’s this emptiness that runs within me. I just feel to isolate myself from everyone and everything just to hide, to bury myself under my blankets and make my bed my grave. And I try to think of reasons as to why I’m sad but I cannot and I just end up making all these scenarios in my head that may never happen but they make me even more upset, they make more tears fall and then can’t help it from happening.” – thesmilingAKH

I’ve
been struggling with anxiety for couple of weeks now. A few days ago it got intense,
I had to find a quiet corner to try and fix me. The funny thing is, I seem to
wear it well, functioning seamlessly that no one can guess the war going on
within me.

I
could be laughing with you and interacting properly but deep down, miles within,
I’m trapped in a hollow, using up so much strength to stay whole. Most people
don’t catch it. Ivan almost did early last month while we were having lunch. He
asked what was wrong, that I looked lost in thought with a worried look. I
brushed it off as nothing, willing myself back to the conversation even though
my mind was fighting to keep my mood up. This struggle can go on for days such
that when I finally pull myself out, I feel lifeless and my mood sinks so low.

This
has been me for years and it’s a miracle I’m still here because there are times
I have had it bad I begin to fantasize about ways to make it stop and wish I
never existed. Words will fail me to explain how I feel, heck I can’t even
explain where the sudden feeling of doom and pictures of horrible things
happening start appearing from. It’s tiring having to intentionally kick these images
and thoughts out every time. Like Funke said while we were exchanging
experiences, she said it feels like there is a hammer about to fall on her.

You’ll
think I should be used to this by now or that it gets easier, or maybe it does.
I mean, I have learnt to identify my triggers and avoid them or use positive
affirmations to keep calm in situations where avoidance isn’t possible.
Breathing exercises have also been of great help. I never rated positive
affirmations but surprisingly they have helped calm me down a lot this year.

Sometimes people want to be kind and of help, but then they make statements like ‘try not to worry’ or ‘stop thinking too much’, while these are valid advice, it goes way deeper. If it were that simple, I wouldn’t have been placed on medications on different occasions in the past to treat anxiety and panic attacks.

These days I don’t bother talking about it or try to explain it to people, no one truly gets it except they have dealt with it or are dealing with it. Trying to get people to understand my struggle most times stresses me out even more.

Sometimes
I look at pictures of myself smiling effortlessly and it makes me marvel at how
deceptive pictures can be.

These
days, people let you see what they want you to see and we are all rather now so
good at presenting a happy face, even if deep down our world is falling apart. The
world these days prizes on projecting everyone as strong and happy, almost like
it’s a crime to feel down and admit to not being okay.

Society
now encourages a culture of silence, where no sad face is needed to be a party
pooper. We are all looking for skits and memes to distract us from the real
pain the world is filled with. I’m done with empty conversations and always
appearing put together and having my shit intact.

What
I have learnt, is the best way to set yourself free is to admit your flaws.
Embrace the shame and you’ll be amazed how free you will be. Living life with your
eyes over your shoulders all the time has got to be suffocating.

• 

• 

I
look at my pictures at times and I see someone else. I see smiles like I’m not
that guy who all of a sudden feels the air thinning, or has this crippling
feeling that something tragic is about to happen or that the happiness he feels
is going to be cut short soon. I talk and laugh a lot at work, maybe to
distract myself from the things I’m running from.

I look at my smiling pictures and it beats me that it’s the same guy who for no reason goes so sad and feels the weight of the world on him and wants to tear up for no reason. It’ll probably shock my colleagues, but I guess those who I have casually told in passing that I’m sad and then disappear for a while will understand it better now.

Those
times I go AWOL, I’m likely in the lunchroom taking me-time or quietly speaking
positive affirmations to ease my anxiety or you may catch me at the staircase
resting my head against a wall or I’m probably in the restroom taking deep
breaths or those times I hug peeps randomly, it’s not because I’m feeling
affectionate. It’s sort of therapeutic for me as it gives me calm, even if it’s
for a few seconds. I’m getting quite good at using people for relief without
them knowing. Like asking we take a walk and talk about nothing serious or going
to a colleague’s house to sleep off for most parts of the day because my own
home doesn’t feel like a haven for me anymore.

I
closed early at work mid last month and didn’t want to go home. I purposely
stayed back till it was late evening so when I got back home the chaos/pain
won’t be much to live through. Very early the next morning I got ready and
drove out because I needed to escape.

I
prayed for peace, that the storm my younger one was facing would cease and
everyone would be fine. Mostly it was about me because my anxiety was being
heightened. Every sound, every slight word got my heart palpitating despite how
hard I tried to detach or not let shit affect me. God answered my prayers but
not the way I expected.

We
are back to hospitalization. I just accepted it and said, the ways we think our
prayers will be answered are never the way God goes about it. His ways are
indeed higher than ours and so are his thoughts. I didn’t fight or question, I
accepted it because the house felt peaceful once again.

But then, my mind has decided to play tricks on me. Trying to paint pictures of things going wrong after discharge from the hospital and relapse happening again. The thoughts bring this unexplainable feeling of doom, darkness, and hopelessness.

“Thoughts
Sometimes, I just can’t control my thoughts
No medication’s ever made them stop
…
Yeah, I swear to God I’m trying
But I don’t know how to be
How to be a good friend to me” – Thoughts (Sasha Sloan)

I
have managed to silence these thoughts and was making progress before something
happened at work which threw me off. As Account officers, we are sometimes
summoned by regulatory bodies when there is an investigation on our clients. I
have dreaded this for over six years and have always found a way of escaping it
in the past.

It’s
not like it’s a bad thing per se, more of an inconvenience no one wants to go
through. Though it’s mostly inevitable, especially for persons working out of a
team like mine. So the inevitable happened and I had to go through the right of
passage. I was told by the liaising team that mine was not a big deal and it
would be routine stuff. True to what they said it wasn’t and I was out of there
in no time, much to the surprise of my colleagues.

I
thought I was okay.

I
know I felt someway being in their premises but it didn’t hit. An hour after I
had settled back in the office, I heard myself tell a colleague I need to calm
my head and nerves as the visit was telling on my mental state. The thing is, I’m
not even done. I could be called anytime to drop by if my attention is needed.

I’m
working on blocking out the thought that I have this inconvenience hanging over
my head. I felt sick that day. I remember the morning of the appointment, I
woke up by 3 am and couldn’t sleep till the break of dawn. I felt like absconding;
pack a few clothes and go on a road trip to wherever and let the cup pass me
by.

This life is just one problem after another, it never really stops.

“So many things wey dey bother man
Stress from friends and family and brotherman
Man living like an animal
When a problem goes
Life comes with another one” – Airplane mode (Fireboy DML)

Mark
was telling me the other day to keep doing me and eventually, I will pull
through. As sweet as his words were, it only magnified the fact that I don’t
think this is ever going to be over. This struggle feels like it’s a part of me
and it’s a cross I will have to carry. I’m making peace with this and also
contemplating going back on medication (hoping this time it doesn’t come with
health complications like the last time).

I
have made progress accepting that its part of my journey. To have downtimes and
overwhelming moments. That I will breakdown once in a while, but what matters
is I take care of myself and get back up again.

I
used to feel I failed myself whenever I have a breakdown, like I thought I had
healed and grown past this, but then life happens, things hit hard and I
breakdown yet again. In my post on Instastory early this year I was giving
myself props that I haven’t had a meltdown for months and I termed it growth.
Nah, I was wrong.

I realize measuring if I have a breakdown or not was me putting unrealistic pressure on myself. Truth is, as long as life goes on, shit will happen. I’ll always feel every emotion (most likely more than the average person does) and will need a time out to recharge. I am making peace with this and accepting that it’s okay to breakdown. What’s key is, being able to know when I’m getting overwhelmed and taking a break to cater to my health and then get back up from where I stopped.

• 

• 

Sounds
very powerful and easy, yea?

But
I won’t deny its tiring. I’m tired of having to live life walking on eggshells
because of a fragile mental health state. One of the reasons I don’t want to
work in a structured organization for much longer, asides having full control
of my time, is because I want to set myself free of the prison of expectations and
the curse of ambition. I want to break free and leave all these behind, go into
the wild and live and breathe freely. A quiet life is what I crave.

I’m so careful about certain things. I have to write down short term financial plans, plan every detail, pick out a week’s clothes and shoes and have several papers where I jot down short term plans. From afar, one will think I am well put together and articulate but won’t know these are all tactics to surviving anxiety. I thought I was in this alone till I saw this on Instagram.

Dealing
with this and then also dealing with social anxiety is quite a lot, it gets so exhausting
at times. I’m left planning conversations ahead or wasting energy going over conversations
to be sure I acted right and didn’t leave a weird impression. I realized I was
killing myself and I choose to avoid these as much as I can. I know I can get
distant at times, but I guess this is me admitting my issues and letting you
know that most of the time, it’s not you but me.

I
find it odd that we are all preaching choose yourself when it comes to one’s
mental health, yet we fail to understand when someone actually does this.
People say detach and take time off if you need to, but when you do, they pick
offense. It’s like people say these things to appear woke but don’t want you to.
Of course, everyone needs you to be there for them. The world is now all about
using people not minding if the other person is drowning.

Maybe
my head is fucked up and I’m a host of baggage, but I’m fortunate to have found
ways to fight these battles and learnt how to take it one breathe at a time. I
tell people I hate stress but what I mean is, I hate anything that seems to
suffocate me and makes life overwhelming because as it is already, every day has
me fighting to breathe.

Yes, I leave a trail of a mess in form of destroyed relationships and friendships while trying to navigate out of my downtimes. I’m still learning how best to handle things, but people need to understand that sometimes silence from someone isn’t about them. People should learn to accommodate other people’s needs for space and let them be. I have once been forced out of my healing process because she failed to understand I needed time to deal, the aftermath was me crashing and going full outburst on her.

I have decided to detach and even make myself less accessible for the now. I’m so spent and done with my saviour complex, I’m currently at a place where I want everyone to return pieces of my shoulder I have given out. I need to gather my strength and love for myself. I want the world to let me be and allow me to be by myself and love myself so tenderly even if it’s for a minute.

I’m done with the smiles, with the jokes while feeling empty inside. I want to detach from everyone and I don’t care if my colleagues start getting worried. Something in me feels broken and I want to be there for myself. I’ll help out where I can, but if I don’t have the strength to, please bear with me and understand that I just want to breathe.

Work
has sort of resumed almost fully now. I go to the office more these days with lots
of transactions and training. I miss those days when time slowed; working from
home with more time on my hands. I miss the quiet and seemingly slower pace of
life even though after a while it got boring. Elohor was telling me the other
day about how she didn’t leave her compound for four months during the lockdown
period. I asked if it was weird that it’s that kind of life I crave. The quiet
life where things are not happening all at once, leaving my head full and
overwhelmed.

Right now, I’m trying to catch my breath, to free up space around me and slow down time. I’m going to delete my social media apps soon and withdraw. I feel like I need some time with myself, with my curtains drawn and the lights off. I need some quiet. I do hope people will understand and respect this.

“But sometimes
E dey be like say I wan manya oh
All the pressure and the wahala oh
E dey be like say I don tire
…
I just wanna be alone
I don’t wanna see no message on my phone
Nothing dey do me
You should know
I just feel like I should do this on my own
I just wanna be alone” – Airplane mode (Fireboy DML)

PHILOPHOBIA?

I’m currently on ‘forced’ leave and thanks to the persisting Covid-19 pandemic, travel restrictions are still in place. I have had so much time on my hands binge watching Tv series, completed another novel and almost ran myself down with negative news about social injustice both at home and abroad.

The news became a major trigger for anxiety attacks, along with the aftermath heartburn that always lingers way after I have calmed down, almost as if to torment me some more.

To think I posted on my Instastory last month that despite not traveling this year, I have managed to not breakdown mentally. I actually termed it growth. I guess I gave myself props way too early as the past two weeks have been a struggle for me. I’m home all day, no working from home to distract me (though I keep being called from the office to help sort out one thing or the other). After a few days I had to put my office line on airplane mode as the sound of the phone ringing started taking a mental toll on me.

The death of someone I admired in the travel space in Nigeria was the final straw to push me over. My mood spiralled downhill and I had to press pause before I had a major downtime. I went off social media, spoke to Henry about how I was feeling to let things out so I don’t implode, being that there’s no traveling or work I could use as escape.

I had no clue on how to redirect myself back to feeling good. I mean, I had ideas of activities to do but I always found myself lying down all day, surfing through social media or laying still, allowing my mind wonder through activities I should be doing but not finding the will power or interest to lift a finger. I wanted to self-destruct. I used online flirting to distract myself but I knew that was not a healthy way to heal. Something felt broken within me. I was exercising (skipping) daily and forcing myself to eat even though I ended up eating breakfast way after 1pm.

I was struggling and I knew I needed to fix up.

Part of my recovery path had me go on a long walk while listening to music. This song by Chelsea Cutler - I was in heaven, came on. It brought up feelings I haven’t fully dealt with, feelings I have been running from. Oh well, Covid has given us enough free time such that we can no longer run from ourselves.

There I was seated at a deserted bus-stop within the University Campus close to my house, and the lyrics to the song hit me hard. I have listened to this song several times since the album dropped early this year, but this particular day, I felt every word. It reminded me of the pain of being walked out on.

“But you don’t see what you saw in me
When you said you would never leave
And I swore that I couldn’t breathe
When you walked away from me”
– I was in heaven (Chelsea Cutler)

I hate rejection and I don’t know how to handle it, worse is abandonment. Yes, I know I’m not an easy person to be with, but that shit hurt. This song reminded me of March 2019, how the one person I have ever loved deeply and totally let my guard around left me. I was walked away from unexpectedly, while thinking things will work out if we tried once more.

This hurt and messed me up. I thought I had healed from our break up but it led me right back to square one and it took me the remainder of 2019 into early parts of 2020 to move past it. Anyway, this is not about this ex. This is about the next person I fell for - T.

I met T August 2019. While I was head over heels, I made it clear I wasn’t ready for any relationship. I had way too many bad experiences to know that there was no need going into another relationship. I mean, I was still getting over a failed relationship. We did off and on till October or so and then went our separate ways.

Fast forward to December 2019. I felt I was healed and ready for a relationship. I went chasing after T. We started dating December 27, 2019 but shit happened in February 2020. I had to relive the horror of being abandoned without prior notice. Things were not exactly smooth but this was almost out of the blues. I still remember the tight knot that formed in my chest. Almost like my heart kept hitting against my ribcage, trying to burst out or maybe shatter itself. I was in real physical pain, not just emotional pain.

I was brought to my knees. My head was all over the place, felt like my life was falling apart and I needed to do everything possible to save myself. I did what I wouldn’t do on a normal day; I begged someone to not leave. I sent messages all night. A part of me knew I was doing this not so the relationship will survive, but to save myself.

I was not sure I was going to survive it. I had to get the relationship back on and plan my exit. I knew we were over for good, but I was not going to survive another broken promise. I don’t think I got any sleep that night. I woke up not wanting to go to the office, I was drained of strength mentally. I felt alive when I got a message from T that we were fine and we will work through it.

I felt relieved and all was well with the world once again. But one thing was for sure, I never wanted to be in that position again. To let someone have that much power to break me. The evening of that day, I broke off the relationship. I was stable by then and was done with trusting anyone with my happiness. I was in protecting myself mode and that’s what I have been on ever since. The thought of starting another relationship isn’t even there, seems so scary. Will it make sense if I say I’m having PTSD from being walked out on?

Growing up I learnt to be by myself. I grew up sheltered. I went through very lonely teenage years. I was lost and trying to find myself, surrounded by a lot of persons but still walking alone. I was all by myself and desperately looking for someone to go through it with, but I never got that. I learnt to be very good at being by myself. I have great close friends and that feels almost enough.

I have always said I’m not a relationship person. There was a time I was fine with short lived flings and it worked well for me. No commitments, no heartbreaks. Once the feelings wore off, that was the end.

I don’t know why I deviated from this and had to yearn for relationships. I told myself I can be a ‘normal’ person and stay the long haul. Despite all the times I saw major red flags, I stayed and built my life around another person in 2017/2018, telling myself I can do long term. What did I get out of it? A shattered soul that made me withdraw from society, broke my trust in people and almost pushed me off the edge. It took me over a year to recover and then I led myself right into another one.

“You’d think that I’d learn my lesson by now
You’d think that I’d somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You’re bound to feel the flame
But I still drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven’t learned a thing” - Learn my Lesson (Daughtry)

To open up and let someone love you, to lean on and trust that person to not let you down…to indeed truly love you as their words say…to let them in completely without holding back, to take that leap, trusting they will not fail you or leave you and hurt you…it definitely takes great faith.

I don’t think I have such faith anymore.

I have had a thorough soul search on this, mentally reviewed past relationships and made peace with the fact that I am not a relationship person. I am okay being on my own.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel. Truth is, I still have feelings for T, the one who almost wrecked me in February. I have sent T away on several occasions, tried to sabotage us multiple times but we still keep finding our way back to each other. Being human, I yearn for love and companionship along with the pecks that comes with relationships, but I don’t want to commit and do the work. This doesn’t feel right to T who wants it all.

I stumbled on Uche’s blog post titled The Generation That Doesn’t Want Relationships. I resonated so well with it. The post felt like I was looking into a mirror. Here’s an excerpt –

"We want the façade of a relationship, but we don’t want the work of a relationship. We want the hand holding without the eye contact, the teasing without the serious conversations. We want the pretty promise without the actual commitment, the anniversaries to celebrate without the 365 days of work that leads up to them.

We want the happily ever after, but we don’t want to put the effort in the here and now. We want the deep connection, while keeping things shallow.

We want to be swept off our feet, yet at the same time remaining safely, independently standing on our own. We want to keep chasing the idea of love, but we don’t want to actually fall into it.
We want anything that will give us the illusion of a relationship without being in an actual relationship. We want all the rewards and none of the risk, all of the payout and none of the cost. We want to connect – enough, but not too much. We want to commit – a little, but not a lot.

We take it slow; we see where it goes, we don’t label things, we just hang out. We keep one foot out the door, we keep one eye open, and we keep people at arms."

“Be yourself
Be nothing less
Make your choice
And let it rest
When you’re looking for meaning
When you’re lost in a haze
In yourself is the healing
Be the choices you’ve made"
- Sacred to Love (Aron Wright)

Sometimes I wonder why anyone even wants to be with me. I mean,
I’m a host of issues. Complicated, damaged at best, with inadequacies and
insecurities. Most times I’m like; Don’t you love yourself? Why would you love
someone like me or want to be with me? Why would you want to stick around with
this broken being? Don’t you want your life easy and peaceful? Seriously, forget
about me and save yourself.

I don’t aspire to marriage. Marriage seems to be the common
end game of relationships, in it? So why the hell do I want to be in one? I
have made great progress in once again becoming that guy who is fine being
alone, at least now I have legit reasons why I shouldn’t put my heart and
sanity on the line again.

I’m not trying to start
a riot or rebelliously break societal norms. I’m just trying to protect
myself. Being single is not a curse, it’s my choice and I want to believe that’s
fine.

“Truth is, you may not end up with the person you call home. Truth is you may end up alone, but what is alone if your heart is at peace with the contentment that solitude brings?

Truth is, some of us won’t have happy endings because we are too concerned with chasing climaxes. Truth is, love will continue to evade you because you keep looking for it in the wrong places with the wrong persons, double negatives, these charges will drain you like an Iphone after an IOS update.

Truth is, you have to stop walking towards the things that do not serve you and walk to your purpose. Truth is, you keep offering your fruits to those who won’t even plough the soil nor water your soul.

The truth is no one is coming to save you, you need to stop waiting on a crisis or trauma to change your life, truth is only you can save yourself.

Truth is, you do not need proof to validate your feelings, loving fiercely is okay, crying is okay, staying is okay and leaving is okay.

Truth is, you may be defeated right now but that’s okay because the truth is, your victory is in your defeat.

The truth is, you will find him, you will find her, even if that person is yourself.” ­ - Lexonart

I know how as humans, we outgrow things and have a shift in
thoughts and beliefs. How you can meet someone and all you ever believed or
felt strongly about can change. But for that to happen, for me to ever go into
another relationship, it’s going to take a long journey of healing to overcome what
I went through early this year (yes, it will always lead back to February 2020)
because -

"There's a reason I said I will be happy alone.
It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone.
It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it.
It's easier to be alone because what if you learned that you need love and then you don't have it.
What if you like it and lean on it?
What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart?
Can you even survive that kind of pain?
Losing love is like organ damage, it's like dying.
The only difference is death ends.
This...it could go on forever"
- Meredith grey (Grey's Anatomy)