Saturday, 31 December 2016


6.         BE YOUR OWN HERO 
It’s good to have someone to talk to, that listening ear to hear you out. Not necessarily for advice, rather, ‘cuz just letting it out can bring clarity. But then, don’t make the mistake of leaning so much on that person. Because -
My style when I’m feeling down or going through serious stuff is to shut the world out. I deactivate my social media accounts, go offline and just stay within my own space, pray and listen to music.

I’m lucky to have close friends I get to chat/talk stuff out with also, and it really helps but never have I really opened up to someone completely about my inner pains. Like actually voice out some stuff I have never said to anyone before or even spoken aloud. I did that this year and it was a terrible mistake.

For the first time I told someone, I broke down and the person was there (or so I thought). It felt okay, like I was safe. I thought the person got me. Then I let my guard down and just leaned completely on this person’s shoulder.

No one is Jesus Christ. Everyone has their own issues, so really it was unfair what I did pouring all my luggage. Next thing I heard from a mutual friend was that I was described as being needy. Mehn that shit hurt!

Oh well… Anyway, lesson learnt. Never again would that happen. I’ll continue to be my own hero and learn to process my stuff my own way.
It is okay to talk to someone but please give them breathing space also. They too have their own issues, even that your pastor, he was first human before he became a pastor and even after being called, he is still human and has his own issues.

Please let us learn to be our own heroes. No one really likes a needy person. The only one I know who is never tired of us pouring our frustration on him is Jesus Christ.

7.         AGE IS NOT A NUMBER 
Another December 14 has passed. I think I should give up trying to hide my birthday ‘cus no matter how hard I try to, people always remember…
For the very first time, my age actually bothered me. Normally I complain that I’m getting old and all, but it’s usually just bants.

This time it was for real. I wasn’t happy at all. Why? I didn’t feel complete. A kid was missing from the picture, but still, I know I’m not yet ready for that responsibility as there are stuff I need to put in place first.

I feel like I need more time to explore, figure things out, see the world and satisfy my curiosity before finally settling down to start a family. I don’t want to be 60years old and still doing school run, neither do I want to be 60 years old and feel like I didn’t live enough or see the world or explore/open myself to things.
At work that day (December 14th), my branch Manager came to my desk and was going on about with the birthday wishes…I started complaining and saying I wasn’t feeling excited and maybe  I shouldn’t have even come to work.

He said I should be happy that don’t I know some people that would have been celebrating their birthday same day are in the grave? Then I said, they are in a better place, after all that’s what people say when someone dies.

He was stunned. Totally speechless. He didn’t have another word for me. He gave me that look he gives each time I say something outrageous/ridiculous but I know this one topped it all. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to be alive but then I’m stepping into this serious phase of life, one I don’t think I’m ready for.

30 years maybe this close but I think I still have time to do stuff on my bucket list and keep the memories for myself. What I need now is to just focus and work towards living the life I have always pictured.

When Ose came to my place some weeks back, he saw the glowing stars I put on my wallpaper. He was like, you have started bringing your fantasies to reality. What he said made me feel like I was on track as regards living my dreams.

I’m no more just dreaming or writing about my thoughts on how I want my life to be but this is me actually doing them for real. Yes, there are one or two major steps I’m yet to take, majorly because even the thought of it freaks me out but I know it’s time to face it. Just go for it and carry on from there…

There are some things I used to feel so strongly about or borderline sure that I wasn’t capable of doing. Things like falling in love with a married woman, or cheating, divorce, fraud, betrayal. Mostly those stuff that has to do with morality.
I was so opinionated about having to do the right thing that I most times tended to be harsh on my friends, those I felt were doing stuff that I considered morally unacceptable.

Sometimes you need to be in certain situations before you can actually appreciate what people are going through. This year I learnt that life isn’t black and white. There are no hard and fast rules.

I fell in love with someone who is married. At first I was in denial about my feelings because I felt it just couldn’t be. This was the very thing I stood against, but as the days went by, the feelings grew stronger. I got to a point where I began questioning everything I stood for. Should I indulge and lower my moral standards?       
As I have come to realize, life isn’t black and white. Having the feelings wasn’t the crime but acting on it was. So I did what I know my conscience would allow me live with…I walked away. 
I don’t judge anyone or have opinions about anything anymore. I’m just here living life with the mind-set that anyone could find themselves in whatever situation at any time. When we get to that bridge…we’ll cross it and sort it out accordingly as the situation presents itself. No hard and fast rules to life.

I was discussing with someone recently, he was giving me props for how orderly my life seemed to be. I stopped him and said not really, that I actually see it as a problem. 
I have a thing for planning everything. I want to always be in control of every detail as much as possible in order to have an easy ride through my day’s schedule (of course I always make room for mishaps as I know full well I don’t own myself or my time). But to a large extent I tend to plan everything but if it doesn’t work as planned I have learnt to accept it as it comes and make do. 
Planning too much tends to make me obsess and worry about things working out as planned. Very unhealthy and also in contrary to God’s word. I have over the years had to learn patience and also learnt to completely rely on God and know that whatever happens to me is permitted by Him and as such, no matter how rough that particular period of my life is, it would always work out for my good. Heck, most times things come out even much better than I prayed for.

Concerning work, I have since learned that it is all in His hands. The moment I let go and stopped trying to meet my targets myself, God has been blowing my mind time and again.
Towards the end of each financial year everyone tries to arrange himself. I don’t wait for December before I start sorting out my figures and that of my team members. By November I already have a picture of what our closing numbers would be give or take any major changes.
Before proceeding on vacation this November, my team’s balance sheet was a far cry from what we needed. My mind started working overtime on how to overcome the challenge. A part of me was telling me to calm down and not do anything, just abandon myself and everything to God and let Him do what he always does. But the other part of me, the one that plans everything/that loves fixing situations was pondering, trying to figure out what and what can be done. I settled for meeting my senior colleague to help out since his team was doing great. He assured me that by December he will help out. I told myself situation fixed. All was well again and then I went on leave.
During my leave my colleague called to say the person I was banking on had lost almost all his deposit. I kept repeating OMG!
Funny how I thought I had fixed my problem. 
Two weeks later my colleague called that my team just got a huge deposit which was just enough for us to close the year on a good note. When she told me, I screamed and said miracle money!!! This was God coming through for me once again.                 
After the call I got thinking, when would I learn? I’ve seen God work mysteriously as per my job several times, yet I still doubted and tried to fix it myself. I told myself that hence forth I won’t make that mistake again. Whatever comes, I‘ll just let God. Even if I lose my job, I’ll know it’s His plan for me because one thing I know for sure is He always gives me better. I’m done with the planning, obsessing and trying to control everything.
You know how it seems we’ve all got other people’s lives figured out but have no clue what next to do with ours?
Opinions…everyone has that. Society has laid out plans for you to live your life, family has certain expectations for you to meet, your friends need you to act in certain manner so as not to embarrass them, your colleagues need you to be that machine so their work load is reduced…. but hey, it’s your life and not theirs.

Don’t let nobody tell you your life is over
Be every colour that you are
Into the rush now
You don’t have to know how
Or know it al before you try…- Aly & Aj (Rush)

Everyone seems to know exactly just what decisions you should be making. How long would you have the back seat in your own life? Waiting for people to toss you around with their unsolicited advice. Don’t you think it’s time you do you and just live your life the way it pleases you? Damn society and damn everyone with their idealistic expectation of how you are supposed to live.

Its time you discovered who you truly are and just roll with that. Your happiness and sanity is in your hands. No one can drive you crazy unless you give them the keys.
Life is too short to waste it trying to please anyone or live up to some people’s standards who really don’t care about your happiness. 

Be with those who bring out the very best version of who you are, not those who try to mold you into someone you can’t even recognize in the mirror.
Well, what do I know? …I am but just a kid

Friday, 30 December 2016


2016 has indeed been a year of learning for me. This post is about the top 10 things I’m taking away from the year. Some of them I have always known but this year I think they really stuck.
There’s this popular saying - choose your battles wisely. There are struggles we can win by fighting hard and persevering but then there are some that we win by letting go.

This year was quite a tricky one. Initially it started on a shitty note, then it got worse. Suddenly it became really great. Soon enough it became sour. Happiness came around once more, disappeared and then I broke down completely. I’ve always known this – Happiness; it comes and goes. It’s a cycle.

I became scared of being happy, any time things seemed okay I had this feeling at the back of my mind it wouldn’t last, that soon something would go wrong.

Looking back I realize I needed to break down in order to sort myself out. What killed me when I was down wasn’t what I was going through, but rather it was my holding on too tightly, hoping so much and waiting eagerly for things to change.

When it got really hard I created this place in my head where I just zoned off to…I needed to be numb, to not feel anything.


I was broken inside and in search of remedy. There was a period, I’ll stay up at night reading and going through people’s blog posts about how they got beat down by life and found their way back. I was searching for hope.   Then I discovered Travis Greene’s The Hill album and the book – When God doesn’t make sense by James C. Dobson. They really helped me find my way back.

Travis Greene’s album gave me inner peace and hope anew in God. Two things that stuck from the album is this – Trust God too much to give up and nothing happens to us, things happen for us ‘cus our God is intentional.

Dobson’s book taught me to let go and just live life because God didn’t owe me any explanation but one thing for sure was He got me and I was safe no matter what, whether I was passing through fire or having it easy, all I needed to do was just let go and live each day at a time.

I woke up and got out of the darkness. Life began to make sense again. I held on too tightly trying to fight it but the moment I let go, I could breathe again. 

2.         I’M NOT A HUSTLER:
There was this episode in the TV Legal series - Suits where one of Harvey’s clients was going to sell his company for a paltry sum. Harvey couldn’t understand why he wanted to let the company go. His client kept saying life is short.
After the client left, his new secretary explained to him that his friend just lost his best friend and has gotten to that point in life where you realize that money doesn’t really matter. All you desire is a quiet life, living peacefully and doing those things you truly love.

I got to that point in life in 2013 December. Working in Lagos got me there. I felt such pain, knew so much misery and unhappiness. When my lucky break came and I got transferred to Benin City, I began to actually live. I told myself I wasn’t going to waste this second chance I had. There is more to life than making money, working 24/7 and then you retire and you still keep hustling never really living life, enjoying it and all the beautiful moments. 
There was a time I was just floating, I was numb and existing. I got to a terrible point in life where I was basically breathing in misery every second. I was damn miserable because I was chasing after things that didn’t matter, holding on to what was killing me but thinking that was the route to the peak of my career and ultimate happiness on the long run. Total crap. 

I’m glad for that sour phase of my life because it’s what made me learn how to truly live life and appreciate the little things of life. I’m no more taking this thing called live all too seriously, just taking it step by step doing the things I really love. Everywhere you see people hustling, meanwhile their youth is passing them by. People try to make all the money in the world without actually enjoying the little things of life. I’m so over that.

There’s so much more that can be gotten out of life than flashy cars, land, buildings in every corner of the country and what not. I crave that intimate touch with life, that deep experience, the savouring of priceless moments, the arts, excitement over little things like hearing your favourite song on the radio or discovering new artists or hearing your fav song used as soundtrack in a movie/series, travelling and seeing new places, taking in the air, road trips, learning new things, or that beautiful connection when you meet someone who has interest in same hobbies as you.

It’s okay to be cautious but being too safe is not a good thing. Truth is ‘too safe’ is another word for fear. I had planned to travel and explore this year. It all seemed like a good idea till it got close to my vacation period. I started thinking maybe I should save the money especially now we are in recession. Actually that was what I was telling myself to prevent me from dealing with the truth - I was afraid. Sick thoughts kept running through my head, like what if I got involved in an accident or I get missing or I get kidnapped….smh
I almost cancelled my planned vacation till I remembered a line from one of my all-time favourite movies – A Cinderella story. “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game”. 
I conquered my own limitation but then I made the mistake of sharing my travel plans with people. People can be such dream killers. From one person to another my enthusiasm kept dying. Then I came across the below picture –

It would have been a big shame if I had indeed cancelled my travel plans because I ended up having the best vacation ever. I travelled, I did things I have always desired to, saw places and went to States I haven’t been to before. I actually drove on third mainland bridge. I, Sayi drove from Yaba to outskirts of Lagos, drove past Lekki and Ajah…something I never saw myself doing because I always felt Lagos roads were crazy.

4.         PEOPLE AIN’T SHIT
Loyalty is such a lonely word

It sucks big time when you realize that you are the one carrying the friendship on your head. I get that we are all grown up now with work pressures, family commitments and other stuff, but common if I put in effort, it’s only fair you put in effort too.
Everything can’t always be about you. One sided relationships are just the worst. Even if you are not putting the same 100% at least let me still see some effort from you. 
If you don’t reciprocate, I’ll walk away. I’m nobody’s fool. If I don’t mean as much to you then why am I bothering myself?
Two people really broke my heart this year. Not that I didn’t see it coming, I have been making excuses for them but then it got to a stage where I got fed up and realised I have been wasting my time hoping that someday they’ll change and actually care for the friendship as much as I did.
Last night I woke the fuck up” – Jon Bellion (Woke the f**k up)

“I am not broken, I’m not crying, I’m not crying
You aren’t trying hard enough
‘Till I realize, I’m just too much for you”– Beyonce (Don’t hurt yourself)

It’s simple – be with those who value you.

If it’s love you need, to give it is my joy” – Destiny’s Child (Cater 2 u) 
That some people are shit doesn’t mean I have to stop being who I am or totally give up on people (even though to a large extent people are really not it). 
I was discussing with Chiyenum one evening about how I’m tired of being there for people and no one seems to be there for me. I wanted for once to be catered for. 
“I’m left with no shoulder
But everybody wants to lean on me
I guess I’m their soldier
Well, who’s gonna be mine” – Beyonce (Save the hero) 
Financial independence is good and I’m grateful for that, grateful to be the one being there for people and not the other way around, but I think it would be really nice to have someone do nice stuff for me for a change. 
Scratch that thought! I once had that, heck, I have had those friends who did nice things for me but being the screwed up kid I am, I stopped them. I do not know how to let someone take care of me. 
Back to my conversation with Chiyenum, after ranting about wanting a break out of the normal routine and just really have someone treat me nice, he explained that some people are born to be givers. That even though people might exaggerate their situations and take advantage of their kind hearts, they will always be givers.

Being there for people gives me joy, solving issues for people and helping fix problems at work gives me joy. I just love giving relief to people. It’s who I am and that people are shitty shouldn’t change that.