LAGOS; I CAME, I SAW, I RAN AWAY...

I remember back then in my university days, how my classmates from Lagos kept hyping the state. I read stories and saw stuff about Lagos. In fact, I saw Lagos as Las Vegas. I longed to go there and live the life. Explore and have mad fun. Little did I know, truly, who nor go, nor go know as everything that glitters isn't gold (yea, I know, some are diamonds).

So after graduation, I told my parents I needed a vacation. I wanted to go to Lagos for some days. Of course they said no. I expected that reply from them, but my mind was made up. I made plans with Orubor. He was to pick me up at the park. One good tuesday morning, I got up, packed my bag and off I went. At night when I wasn't back home, they called me from home to inquire about my where about. I boldly said I was in Lagos, the silence on the other end of the phone...priceless. They knew I could be stubborn and do what I want to do if I am really determined but that was on a new level of it's own.

Well, I stayed in Lagos for four days and it felt magical. I told myself I would be back. I hadn't experienced the city enough. I tried my best to work my service to Lagos. I had a bucket list of things to accomplish in Lagos. The stone I threw didn't go too far as I was posted to Ogun state. Some weekends I went to Lagos, did some of the things on my bucket list. But it wasn't still satisfied.

Several times I travelled to Lagos for interviews and I always hung out with friends. It was so much fun, my desire to live in this 'magical' city increased each time.

See the thing is, when you don't stay in Lagos every single day or you just come in once a while and go to certain places where you don't necessarily have to leave your house early in the morning, that's when Lagos is fun. In all my visits, I never experienced the real Lagos, so I had the wrong impression.

Finally I got a job and the training school was in Lagos. I was so happy. I couldn't wait to resume. Finally I was going to have a life. *sigh. What came next?

I thought I had read and crammed all I could in Uniben, but all that I did then was just child's play. The first day of training, the Admin told us we were going to be stretched, physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. That was one promise that was well kept. They even told us if we were not engaged yet that by the end of the training they are promising us we wouldn't be. For those in relationships, they were advised to make calls to their partners and ask for time out. I read, crammed and prayed like never before. That training school was like hell. No one had a life.

I suffered! Aside the stress from the training, I finally saw the real Lagos. To get to a place in the morning, you have to leave your house two hours early. I told myself I was going to choose Benin location at the end of the training. Call it being ambitious or the fact that I felt maybe I didn't enjoy the four months because of the reading and exams, seriously, I don't know what spirit made me choose Lagos location finally.

People say Lagos is a land of opportunities, but there are still jobless people in that same Lagos. The problem is we are all after white collar jobs. Yes, most of the industries are in Lagos, but if you want to be an entrepenure, why not go to start up in less competitive and less expensive states? And even live your life in peace. I once wrote a note on leaving your comfort zone...I remember when I was complaining about choosing Lagos, Afona reminded me of that note. I hate playing the hypocrite, but I just had to admit, that note be damned!

I remember one lonely saturday in Lagos, I was watching a movie (The Millers) and they were playing TLC's waterfalls. The chorus of the song hit me hard ...'Don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to'. I felt sad. I asked myself who sent me? What on earth made me choose Lagos?!!

Well, I did leave my comfort zone to go hustle. I got what I wanted and by God's own divine plan, when I thought it would never happen, I got moved back to my comfort zone with what I went to hustle for in Lagos. Win - win

Lagos wasn't really that bad, well it was. I accomplished everything in my bucket list except the one I know God didn't obviously approve of. I still haven't partied wild and hard in a club. But on the bright side, I went to the beach several times, entered the ocean, let the water take me and sweep over my legs. I rode on a horse, whipping the horse and getting scared of being thrown off. I tasted the salty ocean water too. I had several amazing pizza and ice cream hangouts, went to the cinema, made some really cool friends, I saw Wizkid perform live (remaining D'banj). Had nice business meeting at posh restaurants (thanks to the job), finally had a road trip (with strangers) and it was cool, made me know my social skills has improved greatly. Old me wouldn't even go in the first place once I hear strangers would be there. One other thing I didn't do was go for karaoke friday.

But then, the madness of Lagos. I just couldn't deal. There was no life. All I had was, wake up so early, force my self out of bed, hurry to get ready for work, dash out of the house, get into a bus and settle down for the hours of traffic just to get to work. Thanks to the traffic I always completed my sleep in the bus every morning (at the risk of passing my bus stop). Thankfully I never passed my bus stop but it almost did happened on several occasions. From traffic madness, I'd enter office madness. Either I'm battling with paper work terror or I'm going out to face same traffic while going to see a customer or I'm going for those demonic late evening meetings. Then I'd close late and face another traffic. I'd get home wasted and tired late at night, struggle to eat something, fall into bed and wake up just when the sleep is getting sweet and start the cycle of craziness again. I thought to myself is this living really?

So when I have my family, is this how I'd get to see my kids grow? Only time I'd have quality time with them is during weekends. I came to the conclusion that two days is too short for weekend. The stress started telling on me. I kept falling ill and rushed to the hospital from the office. That was late last year. I was fed up. Was it worth it? Just to make a living, was I to sacrifice my life? My sanity? I wanted to quit but thanks to good friends like Ify (Cake n Hampers), Ewaen, Makua, KC, Olugbenga, Afona, Einstein and Musa who talked sense into my head and of course, I was bonded for two years. So I had no choice. Tried working for transfer to Benin, it was declined.

I told my self, shey you longed for lagos? Now you have it. Endure it. Slowly I got used to it. But deep down, I was not happy. This wasn't the life I wished for. I needed something and a place where I would work and still have time to live life. After the marathon of the week, to step out on weekends to have fun and relax seemed like a bad idea. I mean, weekend became like days for healing. Time to rest my worn out body only for it to get beat down again the coming week. What a life! Suffer!

You go out during weekends, have fun and all but then when going back home, the traffic would have a way of ruining the day for you. Say you go on a sunday and get back late, monday morning is super rush hour. If I wake up anything after 4 am. I'm doomed. My life was officially in fast forward. I wasn't enjoying my life. I needed to breathe and enjoy the little things of life. Then the pressure on those working out of Lagos is something else. You sleep and then wake up to one demonic mail from oga that there's 7:30am meeting, attached to the mail is a to do list that has to be presented at the meeting. Hian! Are we machines? The system didn't care. Married or unmarried, we are slaves to the system.

I just made up my mind that this was a training start for me, to ground me, break me and make me stronger. I chose Lagos and I just had to suck it up. That's how I survived over one year in Lagos. Nothing changed. Life became a routine of fast forward and rush. Public holidays became diamond. Then sometime early this May, heaven smiled on me. I got a mail late one friday evening as I was about closing...that changed a lot of things.

I was transferred to Benin effective the next monday. The mail came that friday evening o, they expected me to clear up all my back log and inform all my customers that same friday evening that I was to leave Lagos by monday and report at my new office. Lagos mentality for you. Everything is magic and you just have to learn how to beat the system.

I was happy yea, it came when God wanted it to. I didn't push for it after it was declined last year. I felt free. But time to move out, I developed cold feet. I was going to miss a lot of people, that was my only regret but in this life, it's career over love or emotional sentiments (as far as you are not yet married). So I packed and moved. I thought Lagos was done with me. My body got the message that stress was gone for good. On the road, my immune system that had been corporating after the last time in the hospital in november, decided to take a break. I came down with fever and it got worse. I entered Benin terribly ill. I couldn't even resume that week. I was like that for three days. Weak, sick and feeling dead. I threw up anytime I swallowed drugs. I was at God's mercy. I got better and resumed the following week.

Less pressure, I left my house 7:15 am and got to the office 7:45am. Ha! This was bliss! Though I still close late but not as late as when I worked out of Lagos. The pressure off my pocket? *grins broadly. When I get home I can still watch movies and read before I decide to sleep. I don't sleep with alarm anymore. I don't feel like there's someone at my back pointing a gun at my head threatening to shoot if I slow down. I feel so much more relaxed. There's pressure on the job but the pressure of the environment gone has really helped a lot. I feel so refreshed and sane. This is living. Seriously, this is living.

I'm glad I started from Lagos, I have learnt the ropes of the game and how to beat the system. Lagos has a way of making you sharp I guess. Maybe now, I'd be able to live life and have a social life (I doubt that sha). Anyway, I'm happy now and thankful. No one knows what's coming tomorrow. Like O'nelly said, do challenges ever end? They only exchange hands.

All we can do is live for the moment, enjoy the good times as they come, tackle the hard times as they come too. Step by step that's how to live life.

The first monday I resumed here, I drove straight to Uniben at close of business. My destination? Mischai joint at June 12. The first bite was heavenly. Brought a rush of memories, I had to pause and soak it all in. Great final year night class memories. Then after reading for a while, we'd come out to talk at the faculty. Orubor and I, sometimes Ejiro too, would take a walk to June 12 to get mischai. Great friends, awesome moments, beautiful memories.

In the mean time, I'm glad Benin now has a cinema. It would have been horrible. I remember then in uni, I used to say why would I waste N1,500 to watch just one movie in the cinema when I could use 200 box to buy a dvd compilation of films and watch several times on my laptop. Sigh! Mentality truly changes. There's something about the cinema, I call it the cinema effect. It's better experienced than explained.

One thing I hope we have soonest in Benin is Domino or Debonairs pizza and cold stone. I'd never try kada's pizza ever again or like Osams put it kada(ver) pizza. Tufia! Those people almost made me hate pizza. Thank God I went to Lagos and knew what real pizza tastes like.

Anyway, the koko is I'm home now and and I brought the prize with me. I feel blessed and I don't know...optimistic and hopeful too.

UNTITLED

They say everything starts in a day….

Sometimes change seems good and easy to adapt to. Other times it’s just too hard a reality to accept. Say especially when things that never used to happen to you start becoming your lot. Things you hear other people say they experience and you just say ‘e ya’ when they narrate their not so pleasant experience to you.

But now as you grow older, it seems things are beginning to change and maybe somewhere along the line you have fallen down to earth and that magic that sort of used to work things out for you before seems to have lost it’s touch.

Kinda really painful when it feels like it’s this phase of your life you even need that magic to work for you more. Or maybe it’s time you grew up and faced reality? Don’t even want to go into the whole growing up ish. Honestly growing up sucks.

Ok, let me stop there, this isn't supposed to be a very serious note. Infact if you knew what exactly I am writing about and all the magic lost ish, you’d probably punch me in the face right now, hiss and walk off.

New city, new environment, no old friends and the lucky charm that endears you to people. Especially that magic that makes people like you so easily and you sort of get a way with a lot of things is all gone. And the pathetic part? You start getting zoned.*coughs and sheds a few tears.

I mean, you the master zoner, the one who people normally cry over and try to get close to, now it feels everything has changed. You just got zoned and you are beginning to wonder have I lost it? *laughs this note is just useless I swear!!

Anyway guess nothing lasts for ever, things always change. What matters is how we handle the change and adapt and flow. It’s all about surviving and not holding on to the past.

We grow older, beauty fades, new kids come on the block and become stars. We can't compete anymore. We just have to bow out when the ovation is still loudest and know that, yes, we rocked while we were younger. Our legacy has been set (even if it’s only in our heads and it’s just us that remembers it all). We have lived life,(have I?) *shrugs. We have grown up, we have to leave these vain things for the younger ones.

This is the future. 30yrs stares us in the face, time to be the adult we have been wanting to be all through our teenage years. Only, we realize it’s not all so cool as we thought it would be. So much responsibility and little room for mistakes or failure. Marriage, kids, family. *sigh. Some scary shit I tell you.

As you notice, this note is untitled because I actually just picked up my laptop and started typing without having any particular theme in mind. Just wanted to let out some thoughts. But one advice I have to my readers out there, like I tell my friends who complain about being zoned - it’s a choice to remain in the friend zone.

Someone once tweeted, 'S/O to those guys who get turned down and still remain friends.' Like koko boy used to say - 'if you cant be mine, I don’t want to be just friends.'

Today is your liberation day. You can set yourself free from that zone! Set your self and your heart free. For indeed, out of sight is out of mind! It may be hard in the beginning but with time, without you even noticing, you’d forget the person and actually move on. You can still be free bro. Moving on is a choice just as staying zoned is.

Well, what do I know?....i am but just a kid

MAYBE I'M TO BLAME...

Nothing's gonna change the fact we had good times. Such a shame life gets complicated and little beautiful things get ruined. Most times I try to not think of it or understand why things are the way they are now. It's not important and it's really not my business what people decide to do with themselves, but then it's rather annoying when you try to push forward but still one incident or the other keeps taking you back to the past.

There was deceit, cheating, betrayal, rebellion, hurt, pain and a love triangle.
To get where I'm coming from maybe you should read my old post - The day I felt like Jolene in Dolly Parton's song (My hypocrisy).

Years went by. We all went our different ways. But we've been communicating via social media, been part of each others lives and trying to sort our individual career goals out.

I personally didn't have time for any emotional baggage, I needed to keep my head clear and get my goals straight. I knew they were still off and on doing their normal ish. Just kept being amazed where they got the energy to do their off and on. Seriously I think it's just plain insane and energy sapping walking in circles. I mean you know the drill and how it all ends. If truly marriage happens, would it be any different? Would there be stability? What of the impact on the kids?

Anyway, August 2012...I remember they were having their drama again. She and I were both in the interview stages of a company's recruitment. I remember she didn't come straight at first about being in Lagos for it as she hadn't made her mind up. I hung out with him few days later and felt since they were together again, she must have told him she was around (thought she's changed by then and learnt from mistakes of the past). But alas! He wasn't aware. I just got really weak and didn't understand how they enjoyed all the instability, deceit and dysfunction. I didn't want a part of it (a second time around).

A week later I got dropped and was in deep pain. Told her, she said sorry, but then asked I helped her lie that we didn't see that day cause someone was going to ask me if we saw that day. Seriously?? I was there dealing with a big disappointment and all she cared about was her games?? I just said ok and shut myself out. I couldn't deal with her stunt or their drama.

I let it pass. We stood by each other through our disappointments and pain as the months went by. He didn't taste any of it, career wise the heavens smiled at him. We were all good. Soon enough things got better for me. I pulled myself away form everyone, not just them (one big mistake I still suffer the aftermath of). I told myself I needed to focus on my training and come out successfully before I'd tell anyone. I was thinking along the lines of what Papa Adeboye said - 'don't share the testimony till it is complete'.

We were all still good, chatted once a while, trying to keep in touch. I didn't really care what was going on between them. Once in a while people dropped info about them. It was obvious nothing was different. I just was puzzled at how they had energy for all the off and on. (Not my business). I had my friends, that's what mattered. I just tried to separate them to avoid any weird triangle again.

Then december 2013, I made a big mistake. I arranged for three of us to hang out. Unknown to me I didn't know they were involved again. Plans all fine and awaiting the D-day. Then he pinged cancelling saying something came up. Normal him would have told me what came up. I didn't want to dig or ask questions. I let it slide. I told her he had cancelled, and thought we could still going to hang out but she too cancelled. (I can be innocently naïve and clueless at times). That's when I got suspicious. I let it slide.

Early this year I got to know from old classmates that they were back on again. Then my mind went back to december. My theory which, I honestly don't know if is true or just my imagination is that after all the betrayal and lies that went down while we were in school I'd say he became insecure and didn't trust her much and probably re-thought the whole three of us hanging out stuff, after all that's how the love triangle did start then in university. Three of us being all pals and good friends was a major threat. Can I blame him? I knew the hurt he did go through and that long mail she sent saying she was sorry she fell in love with his friend.

It's amazing how forgiveness works. I still can't believe he forgave us or that he and I still remained close friends after that war. Anyway that was all cool. I was a no go area, that was understandable and fine. He obviously couldn't say it to me but I had the sense to keep off. Mistake I made was I should have kept off completely. But then, I keep asking myself why someone would choose to live in insecurity, why be with someone you can't trust so much? Fine, once beaten, twice shy but is it really worth it? Yea, I know not my business.

Well, what pained me was the shii that happened recently. He updated stuff congratulating her. I asked if it was the stuff she was working on that finally came through and he acted all naïve. I asked her, she said she didn't know what his update was like. I felt oh, cool...she wants to keep it between them. No qualms.

But then old classmates started dropping hints and one even said he told him. The other said she told him. It wasn't a secret, I was just the outlaw that shouldn't be told.

And then I felt this way -
"But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough...." (Somebody that I used to know) - Gotye

Knowing him all these years, I know what he can say and do and the conditions he can give. I get the drill now, I'm sort of a threat to their relationship. She's been made to say goodbye to the boy. A lot of things did go down back then in the university. I still remember words that were said. I remember he told me he hates certain songs now because it reminds him of me and her then.

Those songs that have memories tied to them. Any time you hear the songs certain people come to mind. Songs tied with memories. I'm here laying in the dark, playing my old slow rock collection...listening to every word and string...each note takes me back in time, beautiful times and moments but then it hits me...I made those memories with the wrong person and that blows...

I thought to myself, some people live for drama. Some people enjoy stable relationships, others see it as dull and boring. We are all different. I remember how after discovering other lies back then, he and I went for our final year dinner together (laughs). We sat at the table behind her. She sat at the table in front. We had settled and we were all in speaking terms, he and I close while she was being 'watched'.

I remember how we both showed each other the long mail she sent to us that morning before the dinner. I remember the contents and I know how much he must have been hurt by them. That's all in the past now tho. I already knew she and I could only be good friends and that's it. I even asked him how come he still kept going back to him. His reply...that's confidential.

Anyway I got the message and I decided it was time I let them be. Whatever they decide to do I wish them well. Stability is what I crave these days. No energy for drama. So let them be happy. I refuse to pose any form of threat to anyone's relationship. So I've let them go. He's my friend and I love him truly and he'll always mean a lot to me. Right from my first year, he has always been there for me. He deserves happiness and if this is the way I can give him that I'd gladly do it.

She'll always be my good friend, but one thing...I wish from the very start she never lied. Maybe those memories wouldn't have been made. Well, I still love the songs and I'll just have to create new memories with someone else to wipe out the ones tied to the songs. Gonna be hard to wipe memories tied with a certain song she called a radio station to request specially for me. Or the one I played for her over the phone when she was ill. Good good memories....*sigh

I was clearing out my cupboard recently and stumbled on the dvd compilations of rock songs and some rock music videos she gave me then in the university. I just smiled. Reminded me of those high school movies where peeps make music mix tapes or compilation of songs for their crush.

This is my version of events not conspiracy theory and all (most) of how I feel. They probably see things from their own angle.

"It takes two, two sides to every story, not just me.
I can't keep ignoring
I admit half of it, I'm not that innocent" -(It takes two) - Katy Perry

The sky's blue that's not my business. All that matters is I am out of their hair and I'm at peace and hopefully they would be too.