So last week like every other week started with a promise. But by Wednesday I wished the week never started.
By Wednesday morning a little war began at work. Then another came up - my very good friend in the office was missing. His wife said he didn't get home the previous night. Her last sentence on the phone in between tears was 'my husband is in trouble'.
Combined with the problem I was trying to resolve at the office, my head felt so light. It was like I was floating on air. It wasn't a good feeling. I couldn't join the search party because I had to stay back and solve my office issue. The search party weren't giving us any information. Afternoon came, still no breakthrough. I felt sick.
At the end of the day, my little office problem had grown worse, search party was back with some good news. My friend was alive but was behind bars. He was an innocent buyer of a stolen vehicle. I did my best to resolve my work ish, but my best I guess wasn't good enough. I had that burden to carry home.
I got home so tired, my head heavy from so many thoughts and imaginations of what could happen if this or that, or how my friend was faring in the disgusting jail. The search party gave a terrible description of where he was.
The way I felt? Beyonce's Shoulda Known lyric - I'm gonna tip and soak myself in misery...
I struggled to eat something, fell on my bed and decided to just end that day. I checked twitter and saw a not so pleasant news that hit me personally. I got hit again. By 10 pm my phone rang interrupting my sleep. I got up, looked at the screen of my phone, I didn't have the number stored. I let it ring.
Immediately it went off, I put on my true caller and as I had guessed the phone rang later. Thanks to true caller I could tell who was calling, a customer we had handled sorted out stuff for at work. Oh, if I had known I would have put off my phone, another trouble came...she was bringing war to the office the next day.
I did all the professional ish I could do to calm her down. After the call, I went back to sleep. It was a horrible sleep. I kept waking up at intervals, terrible dreams all an extension of my thoughts. I finally found peaceful sleep say thirty minutes to wake up time. I woke up feeling good, oblivious to all my previous day wahala but a glance at my phone brought back all the memories.
Ugh! I wished I could sleep on, so I wouldn't have to face that day or move a muscle. I just need a shelter, save haven from my reality. When your body is healthy but your soul is sick...that's the way I felt.
I wanted to sleep for days to numb the pain...maybe that's why people commit suicide? The pain's so overwhelming they can't deal anymore? But truly that's a permanent solution to a temporary problem I guess. Time heals everything right? But I guess some things are permanent. Like Aids? Let me not derail.
I had a plan for the late night caller. I was going to hand her over to the manger once she came. I would be kind enough to tell him that trouble was coming. I still had my own wahala to deal with at work and my friend was still behind bars.
I got to work not really wanting to be there. I checked my system and half of the issue was done. I was so excited it helped take me through the day but I had that tiny feeling it wouldn't last and everything would go south. Just couldn't shake it off.
And truly, things went south around closing time. I was beaten down honestly. You know that feeling when you have been fighting so hard for stuff and or trying to prevent something from happening and yet it all still goes wrong? That 'I give up feeling' mixed with 'I don't give a damn anymore, what's the worst that can happen' feeling? Yea? That's exactly how I felt.
I packed up and headed straight for the prison but on getting to the gate I was told my friend had been released few minutes before my arrival. At least some good news for the day.
I longed for Friday evening, I needed a break from my reality. It was going to be a long weekend because of the public holiday on Monday and Tuesday. I really needed the break.
I wanted to go to the ocean, lay on the sand, let the waves wash over me...let go of every thought and completely let go (that could have been me but Benin City has only Ikpoba river).
Or better still, go to a gym and inflict physical pain on my body...get a distraction while I wait for it to all blow off...after all time heals, init? And just pray and hope for the best. I was done worrying and fighting.
'Some prayers find an answer, others may never know...holding on and letting go' - Ross Copperman (holding on and letting go)
I had cheated myself. I forgot all the lessons I had learnt in the past about worrying. The previous Saturday I had read about the chapter on worrying in the book - Battlefield of the mind by Joyce Meyers. On Sunday the pastor had preached on being thankful no matter what happens to us because it is God's will for us and we should learn to endure hardships.
I let myself worry. I put myself through unnecessary pain forgetting that nothing happens to us without God's permission and that all things work together for our good. Honestly, I know better because I have been in impossible situations that all turned out great for me. All I needed was to just stay still and be patient. Just let God work His miracle. I'm glad I didn't let my worry ruin my weekend and public holiday (Monday), I still have Tuesday to enjoy. Though I wish I could freeze today, I mean, why must the holiday end? *sobs
We should learn to be patient, to endure pain and also be thankful for everything for it is the will of God concerning us in Christ Jesus. I know we all desire a life without stress and pain but let's be real, even Jesus himself while on earth had trials and felt pain. Heck! Jesus wept. What's the worst that really could come out of that situation? Life is just temporary after all...
Well, what do I know? I am but just a kid
I'll leave with this lyrics from seventh day slumber - Every Saturday
(download the song and feel the emotions in it, it'll give the lyrics life)
Saturdays have never been the same
And I still can't believe you're gone
So many things I wish that I could say
I guess the hardest part of moving on
Are these memories that have overtaken me
Once again i'm right here on my knee's
I'm barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I'm hurting in so many ways
Though I can't begin
To understand the reason
I still believe that you're God
Saturdays have never been the same
That memory keeps eating in my mind
The ringing phone i've called to change my world
And emptiness that words cannot define
Are these memories that have overtaken me
Once again i'm right here on my knee's
I'm barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I'm hurting in so many ways
Though I can't begin
To understand the reason
I still believe that you're God
[Hook; God speaking]
And as you cried, I cried with you
I'll never leave, I'll carry you through
And can't you see that I was always there
These ashes of pain will fade
I'm barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I'm hurting in so many ways
And though I can't begin
To understand the reason
I still believe that you're God
I'm barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I'm hurting in so many ways
And though I can't begin
To understand the reason
I still believe that you're God
