SHIT GOT REAL...

I feel like I need to take stock of my life. Feels like things are moving, no spinning out of control and I am powerless. I know I have issues, or like Dr. Owen once said, maybe my issues have me, but this place where I am right now...I really don’t know.

I need to relax somewhere quiet, somewhere sane away from all the noise and everyone and just think. Just try and figure it out and get back the reins of my life because right now it seems as though, someone else is living my life.

Maybe I do get touchy, I know I do and it’s the little things ‘normal’ people overlook that gets to me more. I don’t know why. Things that people might tolerate from friends, those things I can easily take from strangers but when it’s someone close or a friend, it hurts me so much and it’s so hard for me to let go and move on.

Stuff just messes with my head, makes my head spin and I start shutting down, trying to process or understand why I got treated that way. I start looking for that thin line between being rational and irrational, the thin line between wisdom and emotions.

Little things you expect from friends, things strangers don’t even think twice about before doing for you but a close friends drags his feet and I try to reason if I were in same shoes would I have dragged my feet? Generally, I am not a people person, I am shy and complicated but some people just have a way of finding their way to my heart. Some with ease some not so easily. When I get comfortable around you, I let my guard down completely and foolishly let you in fully. Holding nothing back and that’s when you see the all smiling crazy, weird Princely that’s an amazing company to have around. And then the line gets crossed, say a colleague at works plays a fast one on me or colleagues I laugh with and joke with (I mean, the job is killing enough one has to find ways to ease the pressure, can’t be all so serious). But then things are taken too far and the time for serious ish is forgotten and it seems you have lost your importance and now being taken for granted. Stuff like that makes me shut down totally and hardly do I recover (well after a while, time fixes everything I normally do but it never remains the same because that scar is there.) it’s always going to be at the back of my mind and my guard would never be let down again. One has to protect his reputation and self pride. Very key!
This is what happens when boundaries are not set.
 "In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We can’t help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you’ve crossed, it’s impossible to go back." - Meredith Grey

If only it were possible for one to take time out from reality, just take a breather and sort it all out. I feel like I should just think and figure out what next and deal with all this once and for all and know this is what’s what now and henceforth this is how and how I shall do. No regrets, no feelings, just live and know it’s work and work as so. See the thing is, I have been scarred while working out of Lagos. The people I worked with then left a mark on me.

No one can be trusted in this business, it’s all survival of the fittest and everyone to him/her self. Yes they preach team work but that’s only practiced when someone needs a favour from you. When it comes to the real koko, you are on your own. So I changed location and everything seemed different and felt this is not Lagos where everyone’s eye dey shook. But lately, I have realized my mistake. Truth is, self survival and selfishness is just a normal human nature regardless of location.

Mehn...I got played. I got real played but it’s all cool. I kinda let it go before but the effect has begun to show and now I am not okay anymore and I am not even trying to force it or pretend. I don’t even know how to pretend or hide the way if feel and I won’t start now. I have been wronged yea, it might have been her sweat but we had a deal and I helped her too in other deals. I mean we had a deal and time for her to do her part I got double crossed for the most ridiculous reason ever. Anyway lesson learnt. Everyone to him/her self. I can’t be laughing and playing friends with someone, while they stay stabbing me at the back.

So easy for me to agree to do shii for her but when I need help I need to give reasons and say it several times before a muscle is even moved. Anyway I just shut down (my typical way), now dealing strictly on professional terms only. I won’t stay deceiving myself we are friends when clearly I am just being used. What she did hurt then but as the effects now keep staring at my face each day, I just keep having this sickening reminder of how toxic the environment was in Lagos. Really, it’s sad how we all want to get ahead even though those we work with are crashing. I just hope I don’t get infected with such attitude.

See, I admit I have my own short comings, I am not perfect but I doubt i have double crossed anyone. For years now I have been trying to wrap my head around this scripture – “do unto others what you want others to do to you.”
From my life experiences I can only say it’s just to guide us and make the world a better place to live in if we all obeyed it. Most people think the scripture is trying to say if we don’t do certain things to people it won’t be done to us. I doubt that’s what it says because honestly, it’s the things I can’t and don’t do to people that people keep doing to me.

There’s so much to life than work but seems I am the only one who sees that. Nothing is permanent and we don’t know where we shall meet tomorrow. Well, it’s not for me to preach. Anyway I have already applied for my leave. I Can’t wait to get out of the system for a while. I seriously need out. Kinda like I should go on recess and reboot. I feel worn out or should I say ‘burned’ out. I just need release. Hoping the time away would make me miss work and long for it because truly I just come because I have to be here not like I am motivated to be here or anything.

I'm out...

SOMETHING ON LOVE

Finally you have all you’ve longed for and things are beginning to make sense after a tough period. Career wise, things are looking better. Financially, you are in a comfortable place. Generally, you feel successful and on the right track. You are grateful for where you are now.

Then it suddenly hits you – there’s really no one to share all this success with. You look back and realize that in pursuit of a future, you somewhat succeeded in alienating yourself and probably let the human part of you die, sort of. The darkness looms and you begin to feel down.

Well, sooner than you hoped for, fate smiles on you. You meet someone. A new friendship starts. Nothing really special, just the normal talks, chats and laughter and the whole process of getting to know someone new.

Soon enough you realize it was a friendship bound to happen someday; you both share lots of mutual friends. The bond of friendship gets stronger. Even in your busy schedules you both make out time to see yourselves each day - early in the mornings before serious work starts and late in the evenings after close of business. Sometimes, if you are lucky, you get to see mid day.

Gradually, that part of you that died begins to awaken and one day, you realize you’ve begun to feel again. You smile more, you feel at home with your new friend, you can’t wait for close of work to talk and walk to the bust stop together. You are alive again.

You meet one of your mutual friends and gush about this new friend you’ve made. Your friend sees the glow in your face, the sparkle in your eyes and passion in your smile as you go on and on. The signs are all there. You have fallen in love without even noticing.

Your friend shakes his head and tells you point blank- you are in love. You pause; maybe even cringe at the thought. You ask yourself silently, ‘me in love?” seems odd. You stay silent and ponder. The truth stares you in the face and then you blush.

Could you really be in love?

Next day comes and you begin to look at your new friend with a different eye. Everything seems to have changed. Truly, you are in love. Over several meets the thought hangs in there but you don’t want to move too fast for fear of ruining what you have. You begin to look for reasons why it won't work out between you two. You find some, but they are trivial issues. Your normal ‘runaway’ nature kicks in...your fear of commitment starts working over time.

Finally, you grow a pair and express how you feel. Lucky you, you are not a loner in love. The feeling is mutual. You want more, you want to feel her lips and hold onto her. You want to express your care. You dream of how your first kiss will be, epic hopefully. Each time you try, but each time she holds back. You confront her, thinking she has a boyfriend.

What she tells you gets your head spinning. You aren’t expecting such a reply. Heck! You have never heard of such before. She says she’s in a program and to be successful she has promised herself to God not to get involved with anyone or get intimate in any manner. Not even a kiss!

Sex was never on your mind. Just cuddling, kissing, going out on dates and bonding. You think about it and you realize in a certain way, you've found someone who’s not into the whole physical ish. She actually wants something more valuable. You ask her out officially and she says what's the difference between what you people have going on (talks, chats, meeting, walks). What's really going to change now? But she doesn’t get it. The feeling of it all being exclusive, the feeling of knowing this is officially my special one…

You remember the movie – Think like a man. The whole Megan Good’s 90days rule. Maybe this is what you need to finally get it right for once. No rush, just knowing yourself truly, in and out for some months. The wait would be worth it.

Everything goes on well afterwards, though you try to tone down your feeling. But one day you slip and say the words ‘I love you'. Surprisingly, she says the words back. You can't even describe the feeling. Totally made the world to you!

Then something happens (as they always do). Situation changes and that very thing that ruined all your previous attempts at love in the past comes again.

Distance!

You might have to change location soon but you are not so sure. Once again, just when you think you’ve finally gotten it right, long distance seems to destroy it again. You know the drill, you can't do long distance. The pain that comes with it, just too much for you to bear. And then it starts all over again – you begin to withdraw from her. Better to step back now than continue and fall even harder.

You are still not sure if you are moving, but most likely you might. This hurts and shatters you. For once, you met the right one. One who isn't into the physical, one you could really relate to and suddenly it’s all threatened. Your old self kicks in. So you run….

The only way you can deal is to lock yourself in and stay away. The hurt kills you, you miss her but somethings about love you still haven't come to understand. All you think about is being with her, spending a whole day with her. What’s she doing now? Does she miss you as much as you miss her? Or does she even miss you at all? You wish things could be easier. Why must distance ruin this? So close, yet so far.

You console yourself with the cliché ‘time heals’. Just like the others heartaches, you’ll heal from this or maybe this might just be the final nail on the coffin and you just might never recover and never feel again.

Just maybe, maybe things may get better and you’d not have to move or maybe still, it’s all part of the learning process…one thing feels sure, you've lost her, hopefully not forever… Someday fate might bring you guys back again.

THE POWER OF THE TONGUE

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump out of the pit with all of their might. The group of frogs kept telling them to stop because they were as good as dead.

Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died. The second frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out.

You see this frog was deaf, unable to hear what the others were saying. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches a lesson...."You will have to live with the consequences of everything you say. What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words" (Proverbs 18: 20,21).

There is the power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift him up and help him make it through the day. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill his joy. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path.

The power of words... an encouraging word can go such a long way. May your words be a blessing to someone today. Culled from the Daily Encourager