THANKFUL (yet another year)

I have always said I hate the attention that comes with birthdays. I used to see birthdays as just another day, or a day to remind you that you are growing older and getting your shoulders burdened with more responsibilities. What fun could that be really?

My plan was to stay low. I even joked about calling in sick at work today, but after all I experienced over the weekend I have come to realize there's really something to be thankful and celebrated about every birthday.

Mid-day on Friday I began feeling pain and a bit feverish. I knew the familiar symptoms. My immune system was going down slowly.  At first, I was forming it's a thing of the mind, but by Saturday evening I knew for sure it was all about Faith. I took Panadol Friday night just so I don’t take chances, in that I didn’t take any drug.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling better. Did my chores and headed out for Enoma’s wedding. I got to see some old pals I haven’t seen for a while now. All was fine till I got home and the pains started coming back.

This time I didn’t need anyone to advise me to start my dosage. I had two packs of drugs I bought at different intervals this year. The thinking was that the one I bought recently would be better. I took the four tablets and went to bed. I woke up 4am to take the next dose but something prompted me to check the expiring date as I wasn’t feeling any better. That was then I realized I had taken expired drugs!

Luckily the other pack wasn’t expired so I started on it. Sunday morning I was worse off. I told myself I wasn’t going to miss church as we had prayer service I had been looking forward to all week. I managed to drive there thinking from there I’d meet up with my family in town for Harvest at the family church. By 9:30am I left church as I was feeling both feverish and cold and a bit weak. I drove slowly, got home and barely walked in, best to say I staggered into the house.

The way I felt, terrible! I tried walking to my room to get the drugs, I felt light headed, dizzy, and my sight became blurry. I knew I was going to faint. I managed to reach for my bed and collapsed on it. I just lay there practically lifeless. I just lay staring at the ceiling. You know how when you watch movies and you are thinking why can’t they just manage to move a bit before the bad guy gets them right? No power! I could only move in my mind, physically I was comatose.

All I could do was pray silently.

By afternoon I woke up sweating profusely, didn’t know when I yanked off the socks, cardigan, jean trouser and inner shirt I was wearing felt stronger but a lil sore. I got up, ate and drifted back to sleep. I continued drifting in and out of sleep till evening, with each wakening I felt better.

They say our words have power, and I’d be inclined to think my joke of calling in sick almost became a reality but I do know for sure that nothing happens to me without God's permission. It was all His way of showing me the importance of why I need to appreciate my birthday and not just the date but most importantly being in good health also.

I’m writing this from my office desk, in perfect health. I have been so shy all morning from all the birthday wishes from my colleagues, phone calls from friends and sms. I have been quiet since typing, a colleague came by and said “Sayi, you can’t be quiet today o, you are not a quiet person so just start to shake body” lol

Basically, this weekend has been a learning process for me. Sometimes we need to go through stuff to appreciate what God has been doing for us. Those little things we take for granted….

This song, Thank you by the Katinas sums up all I feel –

Just a little while longer I wanna pray
Can't get You off my mind so I came to say
Thank You Lord, just for loving me, alright
Many times I do forget
Every need that You have met
Oh thank You Lord, I know You're showing me

You are there when I am down and out, You're holding me
Your love is so amazing, oh it changed me

Here I am with all I have
Raise my hands to worship You
I wanna say thank You, oh thank You
For everything, for who You are
You cover me and touch my heart
I wanna say thank You

I could have died in my sin but You saved me
Didn't have any hope at all
You gave me peace divine, strength to carry on, alright
I should have been the one to pay
But instead You took my place
Amazing grace, it's more than just a song

Even though I don't deserve Your love for me
You look beyond my fault and You showed me mercy

Here I am with all I have
Raise my hands to worship You
I wanna say thank You, oh thank You
For everything, for who You are
You cover me and touch my heart
I wanna say thank You

I wanna say thank You for the sun
Lord we thank You for the rain

Oh Lord I love You
Thank You, that's all that I can say
Thank You for the love You gave

Here I am with all I have
Raise my hands to worship You
I wanna say thank You, oh thank You
For everything, for who You are
You cover me and touch my heart
I wanna say thank You, thank You
I wanna say thank You, thank You
I wanna say thank You

BROTHERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING PANTS (all about my vacation)

#np: Travelers song - Future of Forestry (piano and string version)

My status on Whatsapp virtually throughout the month of September was 'Wake me up when September ends', sampling a song by the band - Greenday. 

The plan was to zone out and float through September. But life as usual, had other plans as I was basically the only one available at work save my boss. Let's be real, the subordinate does all the dirty work not really the boss. I felt the pressure three team members normally face. Worse, the work load was more as the deals we were working on for the second half of the year happened to come to maturity that September. I saw hell!

September finally did end and my whatsapp friends didn't waste time sending me messages asking if I had woken up. I was awake and ready to go on vacation. I needed it. Though it started with me being down with malaria. I had to shake it off and set out for Lagos with one of my best buddies of all time - Valentine.

That was the first time I'd travel with a friend (aside excursion in my schooling days). It was so much better having familiar company around. It had been a long while I traveled by bus. I missed the feeling of being in a moving vehicle for long, watching the vegetation pass by as we rode, listening to music, sleeping and waking up severally. It was just fun and a really enjoyable trip with good company.

#: Feels like coming home - Jetta

As soon as we entered Lagos, I felt like a runaway bride come home. I told Val I could feel all the memories coming back and trust the ever cynical Valentine, he responded saying 'all these emotional people self'. I'm used to him, didn't expect any different.

Seeing the various buildings and bus-stops and one sure thing - spending hours in traffic, was all too familiar. This was the city I ran away from. Lagos isn't for the weak. I took it all in one breathe. Somewhere deep down I missed the city.
I finally got home after many hours stuck in traffic. Once I stepped in, I had this nostalgic feeling. I missed my old apartment! Though my brother had made a few changes but it still felt the same. The memory of misery, stress, pain and loneliness I felt in this damn city all came rushing at me. I stood looking at the apartment for a minute, then I smiled...I was better off now, those days were behind me for good, all now a distant memory.  

#np: Lazy song - Bruno Mars

Friday 9, I woke up feeling lazy. I rolled across the bed saying to myself, how amazing it felt to not have to jump out of bed and get ready for work. This was bliss. After another nap I got up to fix breakfast. Then I stumbled on my new guilty pleasure - Nutella!! 

I was skeptical at first because when I tasted peanut butter back in the days, I hated it. I felt this wouldn't be different but the first drop on my tongue got me hooked. I chatted my bro immediately and informed him his nutella wouldn't last.

I was too lazy tired to go anywhere. I just ate my breakfast in bed and watched movies all day. My in-law, Gideon came around later. I had to fix dinner for him. I opted to cook jollof rice but was too lazy to go out and get tomatoes so I used just tin tomatoes. When I tasted it I felt I had made a major mistake. I chatted my bro that I had cooked error! He was like, huh??

Gideon later confirmed it wasn't bad. Whew! I tasted it and I ended up eating two full plates afterwards. Wonder why my taste buds deceived me at first.

For Saturday, I planned on hanging out with Kike and Valentine. I sent a picture of my Nutella filled breakfast to Iyen (my colleague at work in Benin), she was jealous and warned I would add weight. Well, I'm still battling the weight I gained during last year's leave. I know adding more this vacation was inevitable but I hope it would be moderate. Then again, I have three options if I do add so much weight;

1. - hit the gym

2. - starve myself. Scratch that i'm not medically allowed to feel hunger due to my condition so I'd just do strict dieting.

3. - the easy way out, I'd just accept myself as I see it - a chubby dude! 'I can't come and go and kill myself' lol.

#np: Burning doves - Mikky Ekko 

Saturday 10, was a really exciting day! I went touring with Kike and Valentine. As it turned out, Val was a major part of my vacation. Coincidentally, our schedules just sort of clicked starting from the trip to Lagos. While we waited for Kike to show up, Val and I decided to play some games and I'm proud to announce yours truly trashed him 8 - 2 in whot and 3 - 2 in ludo! 

It was fun, winning the games, though he'll say it was just luck. But who cares? I won and celebrated each win care-freely. The way I'd jump, scream and run around when I won a game (I know how to be a kid at times), then sometimes I'd just laugh while playing and he'll be like what's funny? Memories of my childhood just kept flashing back as we played especially the whot game. The times I used to cheat and play pranks while playing with my siblings then and also my neighbours.

When Kike joined us we headed out. Our first stop was Lekki Conservation Centre. I saw peakcock, monkeys and coloured fishes and a weird but cool looking ludo game constructed on a field for humans to play.

It was a cool tour, I just didn't enjoy the scorching sun and long walk we had to do round the facility. From there we went to the beach where I fake-proposed to Kike by the ocean. Valentine put it up on bbm and that's how the rumour I got engaged spread.
Even Orubor had to chat me up on whatsapp to confirm the news. Of course I had to string him along and oh well, some things just never change. He's still as competitive as ever, dude said I have challenged him, he has to propose to his girlfriend soonest. I gave out a very hearty laughter when I broke the news to him that it wasn't true. Then he was like chei! That's how I would have pushed him into getting engaged.

From the beach we went to the mall, where we had Chinese and also went shopping for my shoe. Couldn't find what I wanted - a cover shoe with a bit of heels, a dude gats add extra height you know? 

I'm still sorting out the hundreds of pictures we snapped and going through the funny short clips we recorded. I think another awesome time of the day was when we had to drive down to Yaba to drop Kike at home. The long drive at night, looking out the window, taking in the atmosphere while watching how light-up Lagos island is at night was such a beautiful sight. Also, the natural breeze was everything. Not every time A/c sometime roll the glass down and enjoy the breeze as the car zooms off. Listening and signing along to familiar songs on the radio made it perfect.

I told Efe about the planned trip to Ibadan from Lagos, he teased me with the movie title - Sisterhood of the traveling pants. The name stuck, that's how I got the title for this post and the accompanying photo album on facebook.

#np: Traffic Light - Daughtry

Monday 12, my tour bus stopped at Abeokuta, the City of rocks where I did my NYSC. It's been 3 years I left that city. The moment I arrived the place though mostly unchanged, the City looked old but yet all so familiar. Save for the new bridges constructed at Ibarra road and then the expansion of Abiola way, most roads were the same. The same economic bustle at Kuto and Panseke. Oke ilewo still remains the financial street. One thing that's no more there is the NYSC secretarial which has been demolished.

I went to the estate at Asero where I lived. So many memories; from the lame Christmas Carol we attended at Obantoko to the day I chased after a tractor to the various mishaps and water/light issues and then the walk down the 'road to hell' with Orubor Benjamin. So many funny and weird experiences during NYSC.

I really appreciate making the trip. It was one very important aspect of my vacation. I needed to go unlock those memories first hand and see that city one more time and maybe get closure because I zoomed off immediately after our passing out ceremony, I never really took the time to absorb the city and sort of say goodbye.

I once tweeted this - 'Saying goodbye is important...closure, it helps'

 #np: Promises - The Boxer Rebellion

Wednesday 13, today was road trip with Valentine to Ibadan, the largest city in West Africa. I'm trying to not write so much details as this post is already lengthy. At this junction let me just say Valentine is an amazing travel companion with a good heart and I love him deep! Well I've always know he's a good guy, I mean from 100level hostel to all the 400level out stations where we lived in same houses. Like Afona said, it's like we were bonding all over again like the FPT year.  

We stopped for food of course, whats a road trip without food? He was worried about being stopped by FRSC officials/policemen because his fire extinguisher was out but the trip was hitch free and fun. We sang along to the old songs as we drove. He got tired of me snapping numerous pictures but I just couldn't stop, had to capture all the moments. When we got to Ibadan we went to University of Ibadan where I saw my old friends - Bams, Idemudia, Vera and Chidi, most of whom I haven't seen in over 4 years. Then I stayed over at my colleague's place (Dimeji). 

Thursday 14, today was game night with Vera, Valentine and Blessing (a fellow U.I masters student I made acquaintance with). I got trashed at bowling by Valentine. He took this as his revenge for the trashing I gave him in ludo and whot games. It was towards the end of the game, the ticket guy told me I had been doing it wrongly, imagine! Towards the end of the game!! 

You know how in movies the superstar kind of throws the bowling ball while crossing his legs stylishly? Yeah, that's what I was doing. 

The balls kept leaving the runaway and entering the sides. *sigh. He corrected me that I had to face the track while throwing the ball and not throw from my side. Oh well...would keep the advise for the next person I bowl with.

The four of us played table soccer game (my favourite) before moving on to the basket ball game. Val said the table soccer was my fav because that's the game I beat everyone, in my defense, I have no idea what he was talking about. :D. Well, it was a lovely outing save for the bowling disgrace. 

#np: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

Friday 16, my rest day sort of. Valentine traveled to Ekiti with his friends for a wedding. I spent the day with my music pal, Ibukun. The plan was to go out and see a movie but we ended up staying indoors all day. I got to see one of the most beautiful thing ever!
You know those wrist bands that glow at night? Well, this time it was little plastic stars that glow at night arranged on the ceiling in a spiral form. During the day it didn't look like much. In the evening I was faced down working on the ipad, a gentle tap on my shoulder and a signal that I look up, Lawd!! 

It was all too amazing, I couldn't take it all at once. I had to look away, and then I looked back at the ceiling...pure magic! The way the stars glowed in the dark room, quiet, peaceful...tranquility... with the slow music playing in the background, perfection! It felt so peaceful as I lay staring, getting lost in it. Those moments you wish would go on forever...

Saturday 17, I finally got the chance to hang out with Dimeji at the mall. I stayed at his place in Ibadan but we saw only at night 'cus of work ish on his side. He followed me to get my aviator glasses and we picked up his significant other later and then had a nice ride around the city. Cool part was when we stopped to buy the ofada rice I had been looking for and previously missed eating in Abeokuta. 

The funny thing about my friendship with Dimeji is, we started out initially on a wrong foot in training school, that was April 2013, I really didn't like him much and I knew he felt same way about me. Anyway along the line, can't remember how it happened but before training school was over we became very close and we still going till now. He's my buddy for life.

    

#np: All good things (Come to and end) - Nelly Furtado

The plan was to get back to Lagos on Sunday then that week I'd see my Lagos friends and do all the catching up...but once again, life has a way of messing up plans. Val came back with not so good news about the car, I got a message from Benin concerning some urgent stuff. That's how the tour came to an end. That was my first time in Ibadan, City of Brown roofs. Some places I remember there are Agboro, Akande, Ring road, Odurin or so...Bodija et all.

Back in Benin, I spent the remaining of the week sorting out the emergency ish. 

I realized two things from the my tour;

1. The frequent movements actually made me lose weight. So much about my worry over gaining extra weight. I got confirmation at Ibadan when Vera asked me where is the weight I have been complaining about, and also when Jonathan asked if I lost weight as I looked slimmer than the recent picture of me he saw on facebook.

2. I didn't feel rested at all. Vacation ought to be an opportunity to get relaxed, refreshed and rested. I was obviously going to resume work and still feeling worn out. I decided the last week before resumption I was going to stay indoors and read books, listen to good music and just relax. 

#np: Feels like the end - Mikky Ekko

Saturday 31, I felt so rested and excited about going back to work. I read three books that last week of October, finished watching season 10 and 11 of Grey's anatomy, I ate a lot and well, slept a lot also and of course, I downloaded new songs and albums.

Looking back at all the various stops I made and old friends I saw, this vacation was indeed memorable and I'm glad it worked out so well even though there was some mishaps with the plan the penultimate week.
I'm glad I had a week to rest, I made sure I exercised as I ate a lot. I feel well rested and also trimmed. I'll be resuming with a bright smile and I don't expect to hear any weight gain talk from anyone. 

Oh did I mention i'm resuming on Tuesday and not Monday?

Hehehe...resuming on a monday would be like leaving a ride in an A/C car for a walk under the scorching sun. Mondays are crazy, it would be a soft landing resuming on a Tuesday.

I can't fit to shout. 

rAnTs

I have come to the sad realization that most people really don't want a decent guy/girl. Mostly, people just want someone they can secretly do those things they denounce openly and act like they are really decent peeps with high moral standing. I'm not saying I'm perfect or shii but common, the crap out there these days is just a mess!

Majority out there seem screwed up and are all after sex which is now all so easy to come by these days and it seems the conservative ones keep losing out and are alone 'cus they have chosen not to compromise.

My word to those few is don't give in, don't lower your standard just cause you want then to stick with you! Heck be that guy or girl no one can point to and say they have fooled around with!

It may be lonely but don't lower your standard just to feel wanted. Someday fate would lead you to the right one who would respect your body and love you for you and not just some temporary lustful desire.

It's really sad this is what we have become. A generation where it's all about sex. The shocking part is, even girls who ought to be the conservative ones are now Champs at pushing for it. Seriously where did y'all lose it? I started noticing this trend during my NYSC days and thought it was just a few bad apples but now, it's apparently the new culture.

I get that with civilization females get to be more out spoken and all, which I agree is a good thing but please don't throw all your values and pride along with ancient doctrine into the trash just 'cus you want to move with trend!

On social media (especially twitter) I see ladies (even teenagers who ought to have no business with such) saying all sorts and even proudly saying they did it just last night and some other explicit stuff. At a point I thought it was because it was social media where it's easy to post stuff since you are hiding behind a phone but now it's actually happening on ground, real time. 

Same girls that'll say they want a God fearing man and one who would respect them, a good guy trying to know you first and turns down your sexual advances automatically has a problem or is weak or the new fad - you start speculating his sexuality. 

Biko, who says every guy must be into you and why do you think it's all guys that don't have self control? Y'all should be ashamed of your selves for being so easy.

I have encountered enough and I'm really put off. Truly beauty is a curse!

Maybe i'm a traditionalist but let's call a spade a spade, whoring around or being easy ain't no way to keep a man or be a fun person to hang out with. I believe there's so much to each individual and good company isn't about sex. Do a lil evaluation, if you take away the sex would you guys still have something real? Can you keep a conversation, I mean serious real talk? If no, then sorry you're just a tool especially if every time you people meet there must be taking off of clothes. 

These days, people invest their time  in shallow things and not actually focusing on true companionship, deep and meaningful conversations that can stand the test of time. There's more to a human than just their beauty or whatever. It's really pathetic and sad and very disappointing especially when it comes from people you hold in high esteem (well from a distance).

We have really perfected the act of pretending and hypocrisy while using religion to cement it. Those people that look really cool and principled from afar, you long to meet them holding them in high esteem but when you get close you, the person is totally something else. Quite sad and disappointing really.

I'd end with it's not too late to change and but for those who have decided to live and solely abide by the 'ho religion', I respect that it's a choice but for how long? There's so much more to life than sex, you won't die if you decide to apply caution and self denial sometimes biko.

P/s: if you feel this rant is directed at you, well you know what they say - if the shoe fits...

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

THE IMPORTANCE OF PROCESSING PAIN by Amy Chan

Some say that pain of the heart is the worst kind to experience. There is no surgery, no medicine, no band-aid that will truly minimize the suffering. That dull, chronic pain feels like it is with you every where you go. It’s at the core of your thoughts, it haunts you right before you go to sleep — it feels attached, as if it is a part of you.

Most people do not process their emotional pain. In our society, where we place value on the ability to move forward and move fast, we don’t take the time and effort it takes to process pain, in order to heal it. That pain remains in the body, developing deeper and deeper roots — affecting one’s way of seeing life and dealing with life. We try our very hardest to get out of a state of suffering immediately, because we associate that “bad feeling” with weakness and inefficiency. So we tranquilize our pain, we numb it, we escape it — we do everything to avoid feeling it.

But that feeling wants and needs to be felt, and will have its way with you one way or another. Either it slowly poisons you until your soul eventually dies, or it comes out with 10 times the force and trauma later on, when some future event triggers you and rips open the wound. The consequence of not processing pain in the present is that it finds a way to sneak into your future. In my opinion, I believe the reason why people continue to repeat the same suffering and pain in future relationships and situations is because they never dealt let their wounds properly heal.

I’ve had to learn how to be with that uncomfortable feeling of pain and honor my feelings instead of resisting them. It’s been challenging, to say the least. It feels like I’m stuck in the same place, having the same questions and inner dialogue. In those moments, I feel fed up and angry with myself that I have to repeat the same episode of crying and confusion, like it’s some twisted version of Groundhog Day. Sometimes I force myself to stop the feeling and return to acting strong and capable. Sometimes, I give myself permission to just be present with what stirs up, and be gentle with myself. The former is the hardest to do. Often, I psycho-analyze the heck out of my feelings and have a hard time deciphering if it’s the situation that is stirring up the pain, or other deep-rooted childhood stuff.

I’m starting to understand and appreciate that situations, such as breakups, loss, etc. can act like catalysts. The pain felt is one part fresh from the experience, and the other parts are from old wounds that were never fully healed. Painful as they may be, they are opportunities in disguise, that give you the chance to rewrite the stories we attach to past events that ultimately shape our perception of reality. When I see suffering in such a light, I understand that it is not a state of “good” or “bad” — it just is. It is part of being human and a part of the beauty of the experience of life.

Cullled from - Huffpost (http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1855614)

THE HAPPENINGS…

Joe King of The Fray once stated in an interview that his lyrics were mainly inspired by his experiences with the band: "With success, you have a lot more drama. For me, it was extreme highs in career and extreme lows in a relationship. There were really obvious things to write about."

Well, I guess I can say same for me. Career wise, it’s been nice and a learning process. From working out of Lagos to being transferred to Benin has been good. There were harder times in Lagos but mostly it all thought me on patience and how not to worry and leave it all to God. The moment I stopped bothering myself and trying hard, things started falling in place.

One thing I just don’t seem to have working out fine for me is relationships. My colleague asked me this morning if I think I am capable of loving someone. I kept quiet for a while before replying her, saying I really don’t know. I know I can be so loved up and have strong feelings for someone but most times, it really doesn’t last. I was being honest when I said it’s usually the beginning part I enjoy most, 'when e still dey hot'. That’s when it’s sweetest, after that people end up just managing each other’s flaws and once in a while you get good moments. But generally though, I get tired of people too easily. 

I have a phobia for having a long list of 'exes'. To me, your number of your 'exes' kinda reflects if you are the one with a problem or if you just a hoe. I don’t believe you meet someone you feel attracted to and then jump into a relationship the next day. We shouldn’t act on attraction, that’s why we can’t date everyone we are attracted to.

I feel the right way is ‘date lightly’ for a while to see if it will work before anything serious starts. That period of 'light dating' should tell if you guys are compatible and into the same things. No labels or being official, helps you avoid investing your life in something that won’t work. Like someone once said, break ups are not fun, they are a waste of time and time is life.

So I recently got myself in a bit of a mess. Scratch that, serious mess. I got involved in ‘light dating’ with more than one, heck one other girl who would have made it three, almost added to the mix.  She sent her friend to get my number as I was exiting an eatery ‘cus she was too shy to ask me herself. She called later, we spoke then she sent her whatsapp number, I just felt my hands were full with two already in my life. Seriously I don’t know how people manage multiple dating. They have energy sha. So much confusion and drama to handle. Biko I like my life simple and stress free.

The whole light dating thing is okay, just don’t do it with more than one person at the same time. I mean, it’s really unfair when you finally get to the point where you have to choose between one of them. What happens to the one you don’t choose? That’s one of the mistake I made, same mistake the lead character also made in the movie 'Because I said so'.

The one thing I know I did get right was at the beginning I did make it clear we were not in a relationship rather we were going slow, trying to see where it leads us. And when either one wanted more I made it clear I wasn’t there yet. Okay, a thought just crossed my mind, if I was focused on one maybe I would have been there too at the same time ….*sigh

I remember how hard I was on an old flame back then when she kinda explained she was torn between my close friend and myself. I judged her as being selfish and insensitive. It was easy for me to be judgmental because I hadn’t walked in her shoes. There’s really a thing like being genuinely torn between two people. I mean, it’s like you want them both merged into one person because they both have qualities you admire in different ways but you know you can’t have them all but still you don’t want to lose anyone.

I am now doing this thing where I try my best not to judge people’s actions. I remember an old post I had to apologize to all those I had judged because they stepped in when two people were having issues in their relationship and not giving them time to sort it out. Truth is, you never know till you are in a similar situation. Lately I have been a staunch advocate of ‘there is no reason whatsoever to cheat’, but I am slowly beginning to question my stand, because truly you never know till you find yourself in such situation. Life in itself is complicated. You can imagine how two lives trying to synchronize and live as one would then be multi-complicated. Life is not black and white. This thing called love/relationship is not an easy something. Though I still believe it is better to leave than cheat. 

Anyway back to the main issue. I met ‘A’. 

A was cool, really nice and one thing I loved most was the fact we had same taste in music. I once stated that I can’t date anyone who doesn’t have similar taste in music with me. Trivia as it seems, it has actually proven over time to be a major connecting factor between I and people. Once that music connection isn’t there, I don’t know why, but it just feels odd and kinda all grey without colour. 

A and I connect. There’s that spark. The attraction is there and the fire too. The major issue we are/were having is distance ish, sort of. At first I was going to let go and just forget it all. My usual way of running once I know there is going to be distance involved. I told myself, how long would you keep acting like this? Nothing good comes easy. Then again, in life, nothing is certain. I could get married and work or something could cause distance for a period between myself and wife. Would I then seek a divorce?

Well, A and I got back after few days of me kinda ending things due to the distance issue. So we were back on and the spark was still there and the conversation and laughter just flowed effortlessly. Then the distance began to show again and the cracks started setting in. I didn’t mind. I was going to brave this and put in effort but over time it started feeling as if I was the only one really making effort. I snapped and that was it. If A really wanted this as much as I did, A would have to make effort too but if not well, we had a nice time. It is what it is.

In the very short period A and I were off for a few days I ran into B whom I had made an acquaintance of a while ago. Being with B, basically feels like home. B is proper wife material. Everything so perfect (perfectly what every 'normal' guy wants I must add). I am weird; I hate pet names, phone calls, the constant checking up on each other daily. I have plenty issues, I know. Pharm Owen once said he doesn’t know if I have issues or it’s my issues that have me. Lool

With B, those things scared me off but I just had to adjust and work through it. Enough of me being picky, but then an important box wasn’t clicked on my list of dating criteria. B doesn’t like music. I mean how can someone not love music??? Without music life is so dead and boring! So many times I’ll play a song and B would never know it, even very popular songs. I tried, but the spark just didn’t come, but I enjoy our conversations, they are easy and unforced (when B isn’t trying to get us to talk emotional ish, I hate dealing o jare). The laughter too and my constant teasing of B, but then I am just not ready for marriage. 

Then one evening I realized I wasn’t being fair to both A and B. Generally in life I try to be honest and fair to people. I had to come clean. Yes I did make it clear to both at the beginning that we were not dating, but I didn’t let them know I was also trying to see how things work out with a second person. That was the major wrong I did. It felt like I was two timing even though we were not official or stuff but I just felt bad and it all felt so wrong, like  I was wasting their time. 

I came clean and it was a horrible night and then a terrible morning as A and B were emotionally hurt by my actions. I didn’t have a nice day. I really felt bad that I had hurt them. I hate someone hurting because of me. I hate putting people through pain. Then I remembered C who I also sort of dated lightly long before I met A or B. With C I never got back to telling her I didn’t get there (fall in love). I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt her by saying we were not going to work but I did more damage by not letting her know. I just kept my distance and thought maybe she’d figure it out from my body language. I apologized and really wished I could wipe it all off. The hurt I caused and all.

"I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears" – (The reason) Hoobastank

Things got sour between A, B and myself for a while. Few days past and well, we all sorted out our differences. A traveled to Lagos. B and I hung out and then B said though she knows I am ‘lightly dating’ A, she doesn’t really care. Love has never been good to her but this time she really likes me and contrary to what she had decided before to cut me off, she was going to stick with me because she wants to be happy and she really likes me.

That was bold. I was impressed actually. But then I had to say the truth. I told her she was just being emotionally weak because she didn’t want to break her heart by walking away. Anyway I got where she was coming from, sometimes you just get tired of all the disappointments and forget the damn consequences. After all being self-righteous and principled has brought you nothing but heart ache and loneliness. So you just ignore and enjoy it while it lasts. Yup! That’s why people remain in abusive and wrong relationships. Anyway I told B it’s no probs, we were cool and all, I just didn’t know what A’s reaction would be. 

Sadly I didn’t really get to know where I stood with A ‘cus when she came back from Lagos, she started giving some really dumb excuses about not being able to meet up. I just made it plain that I know what effort I make to be with someone I really like that all her excuses were flimsy and with that I stopped replying all chats and I have not heard from her till now. Typing this now I just figured maybe that was her way of calling it quits, she wasn’t ready to share me with B. 

“People say good bye in their own special way” – (In my veins) Andrew Belle

See why it’s never good to get involved with your music buddies? Once it falls apart so also does the friendship. A gave me some really cool songs just the short time we had. Now that what we had is all out the window so is our friendship and sharing of good music. *sigh

Right now, all i have is B. But I don’t know. It’s really not working. That spark isn’t there but I do value the friendship. The pressure from B isn’t helping. I know they say in matters of the heart you have to think of yourself first, if you don't feel same way you can't force yourself into a relationship just because you don’t want the other to feel bad but I really don't feel good either when I know someone else is hurting because of me. I'm sorry I can't love you the way you desire but that doesn't mean we should make a mess of our friendship. But hey, who am I to say so? I'm not the one with a broken heart. 

I just want something pure, innocent and most importantly, love in little dozes...if it comes all too quickly I freak and run. That’s what B doesn’t get. The whole clingy ish and pet names just pushes me away and the numerous declaration of ‘I love you’ and how much you mean to each other just puts so much pressure that it makes me feel suffocated. It’s nice to hear those words yea, but not every day na…

"So I told her get a head start

Like the last one I didn’t have the heart to tell her straight

I know how she’ll receive it

And I can’t bear to see it

That’s why I never meant to be this close

And let it slip away

I keep stumbling till I finally miss the last train

Ooh, she’s ready, I’m not ready

I hear people go crazy for steady

But me, I run every time

And I hope she sees

It’s not her, it’s just me

And I’m so sorry

To be this close

And let it slip away" - (Run Every Time) Gavin Degraw

Oh wait, there’s a D in this story o. As I was writing this, D pinged and wanted to come over. I know what D wants. Like I stated earlier, I try consciously not to judge anyone. I won't say D is a hoe or slut, in fact what D is doing is even better than those who choose to be in relationships and still go about cheating. D doesn't want anything serious, just wants to have fun and all, be free to be with whoever, no commitments or anything of sorts. People may call her loose and but at least she isn't betraying anyone's trust or hurting anyone. In everything we do, self-control and caution is needed. We should be able to limit ourselves and hold back at times, deprive ourselves once in a while, build discipline and self-control. I'm just not comfortable with D being around, you get?

The way it is going, it seems I am headed back to square one, the whole getting to meet someone new and getting to know each other and shi, quite tiring I must say. B is still here but not really helping, in fact I think we need space 'cus the pressure being mounted on me is really doing more harm, and those emotional talks B keeps calling for, the I need to see you, we need to talk...the last time I honored such was in 2010. Ended being my ex breaking up with me. 

I just want something maybe like what I had with my ex back then before all the complications. At first we were strangers, then friends, had common interests, music, pictures, books, movie/series and the friendship blossomed and the love just developed and grew...no pressure or drama or shii. It just flowed in till well...what's that Nelly Furtado's song? All good things come to an end.

I'm beginning to worry for myself. Seriously I need stability in my life and most importantly something long lasting. Is it that my standards/taste are just too high? Sometimes I want clingy, other times I want a bit of distance. But I know I don't want those pet names, or the pressure that comes from labels and commitment and stuff. Afona used to say I was born in the wrong country, maybe he's right but I gotta work with what I have now. Or maybe i'm just not a relationship person...can't really say. 'A' did say I was confused.

I worry for me. Sincerely. 

Maybe I should just take Valentine's advice and date an older woman.

In all, I just want a peaceful life biko, filled with love and laughter and good music of course! 

"I need a lil laughter and love to follow after" – (Slow love) Beyonce

And no...This post isn’t going to end with my trade mark – Oh well, What do I know ish….peace out.

MEMOIR - MY PAIN

#np: Life Support - Sam Smith

‘The thing about pain is….it demands to be felt’– The Fault in our stars

July 7th, 2015 I felt it again but this time it was during the day. Normally it comes at night when I’m fast asleep. I can’t categorically remember how it starts, I just know I awaken curled up in bed, hands clutching at my abdomen, wrenching.

First time I experienced it should be before my NYSC (2011). I had been given strong pain killers to help solve the headaches I was experiencing. Then I concluded it was a reaction to the drug especially as it stopped when I did away with it.

Later on, I experienced it once in a while over the years till it came up again 2013 when I was based in Lagos. Tests were run and various drugs prescribed. It became a thing of the past as 2014 progressed, though I still relived it occasionally. I bore it all like a man, or more correctly, due to my dislike for visiting hospitals.

This year it became quite frequent. I wasn’t on any pain killers or anything of sorts. I began wondering if it was appendicitis but the pain wasn’t restricted to my right abdomen, this was general. It always began from the lower abdomen right through the upper abdomen piercing its way to my left chest and sometimes my back…

Several nights I lived through it, bearing the pain, rolling and tossing till I slept off to awake with it another distant memory.

So this Tuesday at work, I had just concluded a meeting and was about sitting at my desk when I felt it. I paused, couldn’t move a muscle. I just stood immobile letting it take me. I sat down but it won’t let me be. I tried to bear it but it was stronger. My colleagues began asking if I was okay. Forget we normally give the cliché ‘I am fine’ response most times we are asked that. This time there was no pretending. The driver was asked to take me to the hospital immediately.

Funny, the doctor said I was in denial of my ailment. I refused the injection she said would help recede the agony. I was actually too damn shy to expose my bum to the nurses. I told the doctor I was used to it, after all I have been surviving it all this while, this one time wouldn’t kill me. I concluded I didn’t need an injection to numb it. She smiled and let me have my way. Drugs were prescribed. She insisted I took the first dose in her presence as she didn’t trust me to take them.

I am no fool, for once I am going to follow my prescribed dosage strictly. This is no silly fever that my body would fight itself. I am battling real pain and it needs to heal. I need to tackle this physical pain but little did I know I am going to face a psychological battle also.

Back from the hospital and time for lunch, the steaming plate of food starred at me. My stomach needed the food but my mouth would not open. My brain kept seeing this picture of hot food getting to my stomach and burning up the injuries.  You know that sharp pain when water touches a sore on your skin right? That’s the feeling I expect to feel as I take a gulp of water. It never happens but the scary thought is always there. Eating is now a chore. I wonder how my stomach look right now? Is it bleeding? Is it all turn apart?

I select food a lot and it’s been with me for so long and well, I eat but mostly junk food. It takes someone really close to me to notice my dietary deficiencies. I try to force myself at times but I really don’t know…

I’m trying my best to improve my diet, trying to kick out the image of sore stomach walls that shall cringe once food touches them. I hate taking drugs, the bitter taste when mistakenly the tablet dissolves in my mouth or that repulsive movement of the drug down my throat. Makes my body quiver. I feel weak, sore, feverish and cold at the same time. The weather this period isn’t helping, even Dr. Ewaen was like only you? Kpele o. 

I remember the day I came back from the hospital I sent him the names of all the drugs prescribed. Wasn’t trying to be dramatic, just wanted to be sure I wasn’t being given the wrong drugs. Excuse my paranoia but I have once been misdiagnosed. Ended up taking drugs I had no business taking.

His response was that of shock, something along the lines of why are you sending me such drugs? Then he remembered I had gone through the ish before. He confirmed the drugs were the right ones, that’s what I needed, confirmation. I know I will be fine just the whole psychological battle crap I didn’t bargain for.

Sometimes I find myself subconsciously holding my abdomen, thinking and trying to imagine how my insides are. I don’t know why this time around it’s hitting me this hard, maybe ‘cus I had been in denial about it like the Doctor said or I really don’t know....*sigh It just seems all so real this time and I’ve got this battle to fight. Thankfully I don’t feel alone. I’ve got family, colleagues who care and friends who are there too and my personal friend doctor who I can always call on – Dr. Ewaen so I don’t feel alone at all. I’ve got the complete support system though this is the first time I’d be experiencing the physiological side effects of this thing.

I don’t need pity or empathy really. Self-pity disgusts me. Funny my colleague was going along the lines of ‘e yah, kpele o’. Then she began touching my neck in a tender way. I shoved her hands off and asked why she was treating me like an invalid. I’m very emotional, I don’t need stuff that’ll break this bold face I am trying to put up.

What’s that they say again? Big boys don’t cry.

Well, what do I know...I am but just a kid.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL...

#np: The time of my live - David cook

Last weekend, Saturday precisely after attending Word Unspoken (a gospel rap show sort of) at the Uniben Auditorium I decided to chill at one of the school's field with my pal - Osamudiamen.

The weather was cool as it rained the previous day and there was light showers earlier that morning. We sat on a hilly part of the field watching some guys play soccer beneath.

Life seemed so perfect, no stress or worries. We talked about nothing serious but still had an enjoyable conversation. Sometimes we'd be quiet, those times when I’d soak in the moment with memories of my days in school rushing back. Boy! I really miss school. School was damn safe. Though back then I thought getting the best grades was the biggest problem in the world. Honestly being out in the world is quite tough; hustling and trying to make something out of life, where one needs to work hard with so much responsibility and social pressure on you to be someone and make cool cash even if you are miserable with your profession or get bored with daily life routine. *sigh 

Anyway I really loved the atmosphere, the unforced conversations, the freedom and lack of care for anything. I wished I could pause time, spend eternity in that moment and be happily free, forget about work and shii, just savor nature at its best while doing one of my favorite past times activities - watching people as they walk by. 

It was a perfect setting, save for the lack of good music and definitely FOOD!! Well, that would be more of junk food though - say maybe ice cream, sharwama, chicken and chips...scratch that, no chicken. I have been trying this ‘pseudo vegan’ stuff lately (I invented that term). I have gone a week without eating meat and the change has been really impressive. My body feels so much lighter. I read about Beyonce's 22 day vegan diet so I thought maybe I'll try something close. At first it was really hard abstaining from meat especially with the way the cafeteria women at my branch brandish the turkey and assorted meat during lunch time. Sometimes I end up eating five pieces of meat! 

Anyway, I know I need protein, so I have decided to stick with fish (not really a fan of fish except its barbecue with chips). I told my colleague I was going pseudo vegan, she laughed so hard I felt challenged. First week she won as I ended up eating meat. My love for shaki and liver tho.*sigh. Second week I got it right. Last Sunday I didn’t eat meat! Monday morning I woke up sharp with my body feeling so light...

I feel so cleansed sort of, I’m currently trying to avoid eating late at night, though I can't resist not eating the kpekere chips I have stuffed my fridge with while watching movies on my laptop at night after work or on Sundays when I read books. I won't act like I’m going to stay off meat totally, 'cus the way that turkey was calling me today during lunch...choi! I had to leave the cafeteria quickly before I lost control. Maybe I'd do two weeks in a month without meat then two weeks of meat till I strike a balance or something…

My weight still fluctuates but it's not so bad anymore or maybe people are used to the new me with the extra weight they no longer draw my attention to the weight gain. Well, the they still say my back is getting bigger *palm in face

See, this life is beautiful for reals. Little things we take for granted are actually what makes life beautiful. Music, good food, quiet company, movies, laughter, great company, books, games or comfortable silences with the ones we love or just chilling on a field enjoying nature in its purest form while listening to good music especially a song like The time of my life by David Cook or a more melancholy song like Innocence by Avril Lavigne.

“I get lost in the beauty of everything I see

The world ain’t half as bad as they paint it to be

If all the sons, all the daughters stopped to take it in

Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin

It might start now, yeah

Well, maybe I’m just dreaming out loud

Until then…”  

- Come Home by One Republic

Honestly, ambition is a female dog! Ugh! I was watching a movie (Two night stand). There was this scene where the guy ranted about ambition. He totally said all that's on my mind. Seriously life is so much easier and peaceful without ambition. Here's what he said - 

“Ambition is such bullshit. Seriously, it’s just chasing vapor, like… 

Whatever it is that you think that you need, like that job or that gold star, blue ribbon, fancy desk, nice office, like it doesn’t… like once you get that, you’re gonna be confused because you’re not gonna be as happy as you thought you were going to be. 

Then you’re going to be sitting there being like, "why aren’t I happy? I have this… I got the desk.“ 

Because, man, there's another desk. Like there’s always going to be something more that your ambition is telling you that you need. So it’s the next thing, and then when you get that, then there’s another thing. 

It’s an endless cycle. You’re forced into retirement. You’re kicking and screaming. The next thing you know, you’re in a big house, you’ve got four-and-a-half bathrooms, you don’t even have a ping-pong table and you’re dead.” 

— Alec (Two Night Stand, 2014)

  

Anyway, easy for me to agree ba? I can read your mind. I see you sneering saying I should wait till I am married and I have school fees to pay and Christmas clothes to buy for four kids....heheehe 

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

THE THING ABOUT BEING CHEATED ON...

Last week Sunday I woke up to the news on twitter about Toke Makinwa's cheating husband. I won't go into the insensitive trash people were posting. Social media has given opportunity for silly people to air their unintelligent opinions. We get it's our thing to joke about bad situations in the county but still, not everything should be taken as a joke or used to create memes. Some things are just too damn real to be joked about.

My heart goes out to Toke. I mean the hurt, betrayal and humiliation she'll be going through right now. Her's is a peculiar case, in that she is a celebrity and she has a vlog where she gives relationship advice, now it's all right in her face!

When I heard the news I was taken back to last December when I broke things off with my ex who cheated. Some people forgive and work through this kinda thing but truth is once a cheat, always a cheat. My principle is, once they cheat, please kick 'em out! It maybe hard 'cus you are still in love but save yourself the plenty drama that'll keep coming 'cus truly, once a cheat, always a cheat!

No one deserves to be cheated on. If you are tired why don't you just call it quits and go? Seriously!

The stages of knowing you've been cheated on - shock, disappointment, anger, betrayal, sadness, confusion, anger again, numbness then healing...Oh the healing process...you'll have to deal and process the hurt and anger. The effort you'll put in to actually move on. Back in the days when digital pics weren't popular, you'd tear pictures and trash everything that brings any memory of them. Now we just delete all pics from our phones and social media, may seem dramatic but it actually helps one heal. But the part I don't like (sadly I once did that when I was much younger) where people go on social media to trash talk the other. I get it helps release the pain but we really don't need to broadcast our business for the world to seat and eat popcorn while watching our lives like cinema and of course judging and giving unsolicited advice. We could send those words via private messages, infact write an epistle of all the anger you feel, let it out and hit them with it in their damn face, literally, and no! You don't have to be friends with your cheating ex!

I told Kelvin when he was going on and on about still saying hello to his ex, all to show he is matured. I was like, jor o. Some times to hell with maturity! I'd go crazy on you, say it as it hurts and damn you! I don't want to be a friend to you bloody cheat! I may eventually forgive you but for now we are not friends and you don't deserve, me neither am I under any obligation to be civil with you!

Really tho, sometimes you just gotta kick maturity out the door, whatever helps you heal...it's your right noni! Have you seen the movie diary of a mad black woman?

It's not an easy stuff dealing with being cheated on especially when you truly love the person. It takes a strong person to walk away.

"When you love someone but it goes to waste, what could be worst?" Fix you – Coldplay

It takes a really strong person to break their own heart, chose to walk away from a cheating partner they still love and move on. The pain, hurt, loneliness and so many things you'll have to go through even though you know it would have been much easier staying and trying to work things out. But you know better, they'll cheat again. Plus, once the trust is gone, you've got nothing. No one wants to be in a relationship where you can't trust your partner to be faithful. Life is hard enough, can't go living a life where you are always suspicious of their every move, phone call or sms beep...your sanity is key.

Sometimes we tend to love so much we begin to feel we are at fault, giving excuses that our flaws is the cheated. You know how love sometimes messes with your head? (sorry to say, especially the ladies) Kills your self esteem because you are scared of being alone or the fear of not finding another person makes you stay and endure the crap slammed in your face day in, day out meanwhile your life is just passing you by as you stay, becoming miserable, unhappy and sad when in truth you have the power to walk away and be happy. Being single is not a disease! I'd rather be single and happy than be in a relationship and be miserable. You deserve so much better. I remember the movie, 'For coloured women', how Janet Jackson's character had a cheating husband who after philandering would come home to sleep with his wife, at the end dude gave her HIV.

This thing called life is just once. Truth is no matter how good you are, or how much of your all you put in to make it work, sadly, some people just have cheating engrossed in their DNA makeup.

Its one thing when a boyfriend or girlfriend cheats but I don't need to be married to know it’s a whole new level of hurt when it's your wife or husband that cheats. This one hurts a million times over. The vows made and all...*sigh

The hardest part of walking away from a cheat is the pain and loneliness. So much pain but someday without you even realizing, you'd move on from all the pain and be happy again. I have been there, the whole you still being in love with 'em, you'll miss 'em and sometimes question your decision but it's just for a while, you'd get over it and appreciate the peace of mind and most especially it gives you the opportunity to meet someone better and start over.

As far as I am concerned, there is no excuse for cheating. That's why I keep saying know what you want, what you can handle and what works for you. Don't give the excuse of long distance or their not always being around as an excuse for cheating. It doesn't hold water. There really isn't any excuse. (I know situations are complicated and I don't know it all but cheating on someone who really loves you...if you have been cheated on by the one you gave your all; you'd know what I am talking about, heck! There's no excuse for cheating if you are not happy why not leave?)

Indiscipline and setting ourselves up for temptation lead to cheating. Those harmless chats and light flirting we say are not serious and just for fun or you know you are slowly getting into someone you shouldn't feel a thing for but yet you won't stay away...these little things, I call them temptations, are actually avoidable if we just decide to have self control and be disciplined. When you see it coming, when it's still early and the feelings haven't become strong, when you still have control to walk away please walk away.

I was discussing this with my friend, a married woman and she informed me of how her marriage almost ended the previous month. I had to admit that social media hasn't helped these days. It's not only about physical cheating, there's also emotional cheating. You are married or with someone but you spend your time chatting with whomever on social media, spending time and bonding with others instead of investing that in your relationship/marriage. Slowly you are building a disconnect. The only thing that can fuel a relationship is communication, the less communication you have the more you two become strangers. Why not share those intimate thoughts and feelings with your partner instead of having that online person you lean on and at the end start developing feelings for or start comparing your spouse to the person's ability to give you attention? These are little way we allow cracks into our relationships

This Toke experience is one of my biggest fears in a relationship. Giving someone your all then they make you look like the biggest fool. Loving someone and going into something with them is such a big risk, scares me most times and just gives me really huge cold feet about relationships. Naturally with friends and acquaintances, I have a hard time dealing with injustice and betrayal so imagine someone I chose to love and give my all hurting me that way?

Reminds me of what Meredith Grey said in the series Grey's anatomy -

"There's a reason I said I will be happy alone.

It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone.

It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it.

It's easier to be alone because what if you learned that you need love and then you don't have it.

What if you like it and lean on it?

What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart?

Can you even survive that kind of pain?

Losing love is like organ damage, it's like dying.

The only difference is death ends.

This...it could go on forever"

I'd say it again, there's no excuse whatsoever for cheating. If you think there is, ask yourself if your partner cheated on you and gave that reason as justification; would you feel hurt? Would you feel betrayed? Would you be okay with their reason?

Well, what do I know?...I am but just a kid