PSYCHO ANALYSIS

I’m not a good person.

I’ll say I’m more of a flight risk. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not proud of it.

I need to understand that people are not toys, and they have emotions just same way I do. I can’t keep pushing people away and thinking it’s okay to come back later.

It’s been dark and gloomy the past few weeks, but now I see sunshine and rainbows, but that doesn’t give me the right to barge into the lives of those I pushed away during the dark days.

Human relationship has never really been my strong suit. It’s funny how I moved from being that jovial guy in my childhood, the guy who played and laughed with everyone to this paranoid, timid and screwed up kid.

I guess as I grew up, my demons began to show up. Slowly I moved from that outgoing kid to the loner teenager up till my late twenties. Now I can best describe myself as being isolated.

I’m an indoor guy, I love my peace and quiet. I hate dealing and any form of argument. It makes me go mad and crazy when someone is trying to make me deal or talk things through. When I do talk shii out, it’s like my energy starts getting drained with my system working overdrive.

I should have seen it coming though, when I was in primary/secondary school, I was that guy who rarely went out during break. I’d stay the entire thirty minutes in the classroom while most pupils would be out playing games. Apparently my indoor/loner nature has always been there.

I long gave up on people. Why? I realized people are not worth it. I give so much and expect same commitment but lo, time and again I get disappointed.  Or back in those days when I foolishly used to trust people and open up to them about issues but all I get was being misunderstood (very frustrating) or my words being used against me. Slowly, I let it all go, there’s just no use. Then again people’s hypocrisy and judgmental nature just put me off totally. So basically, I try to shut people out and stay in my cocoon but life doesn’t work that way.

I get to interact with people and I don’t know why despite my trying to be on my own, they still find a way of drawing close and then my madness starts and it all gets messy till well, we either strike a balance or we just tear apart.

I'm very insecure, shy and private. Forget I tend to pour out stuff on this blog, I hate someone figuring me out without me opening up to you. I want it to be on my terms. That's how Aweezy was scaring me then in training school. I'm used to people misunderstanding me, infact, I’m highly misjudged. But Aweezy saw through me and he gave me a complete analysis of myself one day. I didn't let it show but I was scared. I felt naked, like I wanted the ground to open and swallow me.

I like my opening up to be on my terms, not by you looking into my soul and figuring me out. When people start talking about me, I start getting jittery like you are going to cut deep and expose my demons and you won't be able to handle it. You'd finally see me but then you'll walk away leaving me in the cold because you can't handle it. Anytime I’m the topic of discussion I just stay smiling but really I’m all nervous inside and dying slowly, holding my breath.

It’s hard being me. “It’s not easy to be me” – Foo Fighters

So much shit I’m dealing with - withdrawal phases when I just want to be alone and don’t want the world to see me or when I have to shut down my social media to stay away from peeps. Then there’s me constantly telling myself I don’t have OCD, so I try not to arrange those naira notes in a particular pattern, or do stuff in certain routine or try to actually leave some unread emails and some notifications unanswered but nah…I still break at times, or the constant urge to check if I locked the doors. *sighs

So many wars I’m fighting within me it becomes a bit exhausting living. I’m weird and I don’t like most things other people like. I have long given up on trying to fit in. I remember in SS1 when I actually bought Ja Rules rap album, same with 50 cent and Eminen’s albums. I was going to force myself to like rap music and also start watching soccer, at a point I got tired and said to hell mehn! This ain't my shiii !!

Most times I want need to stay away from people, not because I desire to, but because I think I have done enough damage already. I have ruined enough friendships and I’m tired of giving people the impression that I am unstable or crazy.

But in all, one thing I need to know is, when I decide to push people away, I should know they also have feelings. They are not puppets, I have no right whatsoever to go back to them like I never left. It’s not fair toying with people that way. I think maybe I’m better off alone, away from the world. A little secret; I actually feel better (slightly relived like a weight has been taken off of me) when I push people away during my dark moody days.

I should really learn to deal with stuff and talk things over. That’s the mistake I made in my last relationship. I should have talked things out like every other normal human being does, instead of just walking away. Also, I need to lower my expectations from people, just do things because it’s who I am. The guy who likes assisting when he can and loves providing solutions to problems. I need to constantly remind myself that because you are nice to someone doesn’t mean they too would be nice to you. Sucks, but that’s just how life is.

The world seems messed up to me and people are not really all that. I hate shallow conversations and idle hangouts. I love reading novels, blogs, any interesting content and music. One thing that has really kept me from losing it is music. I would have totally wigged out by now if not for music.

I have built this small cycle of friends, let go of excess weights and drama in order to keep myself sane. Life seems so much easier being alone (or have I taken the easy way out?), what I need to learn how to live with and enjoy is the loneliness that comes with it at times.

Isolation is not protection. No amount of distance numbs the pain – Lisa Gardner (The next Accident)

Well, what do I know...I am but just a kid.

MUSIC REVIEW – The Hill (Travis Greene)

When I first listened to the album, what came to mind was - Travis must have gone through stuff before releasing this album. I decided to google his story (I always do that about new artists I discover).

He was born a still-born but was resuscitated. When he was four years old, he also fell from a building and died. But the blood of Christ spoke for him and he was revived. Then it hit me, tell me why someone who been through all that would deny Christ or the power of his resurrection?

In the album titled Track - The Hill, he tells his story. Though the song starts slow and seems a bit boring at first, but then it peaks. Singing along with him repeatedly gives the lyrics deeper meaning and it just hits you and all you can see is the prize Christ paid for us.

At the end of the track Travis gives the testimony of when he wife was in labor at 21 weeks, the doctor said they needed to abort the child and they should try again. But something rose within him and his wife that said they trust God too much to give up! I took that word! Trust God too much to give up! On the hill there is a cross, on the cross there is blood for me…

The first songs I heard off of the album were Intentional and Made a way.

Intentional track had me hooked for months. I played it over and over again, the lyrics were a blessing. Don’t give up, we don’t have to worry for our God is intentional!

Then I heard Made a way. Good Lord! That song carries rhema. I knew I had to get the full album, and boy, I was glad I did.

There was a day I was going to work, the week had been everything far from pleasant. I was playing Made a way, singing along and then I got very emotional. I could feel the tears swelling. I was driving so I had to arrange myself before people start wondering what’s up with me.

This album is one of the best gospel albums in recent times. It was released last year and still has lot of impact. I recommend this album for anyone going through a difficult time and I can almost guarantee you that before you are done listening you’ll feel that weight, whatever it is weighing you down lifted. You know that unexplainable peace, the peace that passeth all human understanding, the joy of victory. When singing along you’ll feel so lifted and all your worries turn to dust. This album is a blessing.

From the very first track to the last one, it all songs of victory in Christ Jesus. The opening track – (Here for you) puts you in the mood for true praise, and the second track – (Gave it all) takes you even higher. By the third track – (Intentional), you are already lost in praise and swimming in victory over whatever situation you are facing.

Then from the fifth song – (Made away) to the eleventh song – (Soul will sing), you get into true worship. The final song – (Love me too much) which is a declaration of God’s undying love takes you back to a victory dance of praise.

Track list:

    

1. Here for you

2.    Gave it all

3.    Intentional

4.    You got up

5.    Made a way

6.    Thank you for being God

7.    Who you were

8.    The Hill

9.    You keep me

10. Just want you

11. Soul will sing

12. Love me too much

The only downside I’ll say there is to this album is this – it has always been my sentiment that the use of oh-oh-oh as hook in songs is just a cheap trick of making songs interesting, well he used that trick in almost all of the songs.

Aside that, it’s a great album to lift one’s spirit and also to see anyone through trying times and pain. It also reassures us of our safety in Christ.