EVERYONE HAS A PRICE

Before becoming president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) was a respected lawyer in Illinois. One day a criminal came to him. ‘I would like to ask you to defend me’, said the man. Lincoln, who had a sneaking suspicion of the kind of person he was dealing with, replied with the question: ‘Are you guilty?’ ‘Of course I’m guilty. That’s why I want to hire you; to get me free.’ ‘If you admit guilt to me’, Lincoln explained, ‘then I can’t defend you’. The man reacted with amazement: ‘But you don’t understand. I’m offering you a thousand dollars for your services!’ Although a thousand dollars was a large sum of money at the time, Lincoln resolutely refused. The criminal replied, ‘Mr Lincoln, I’ll offer you two thousand dollars if you defend me!’ Again Lincoln refused. In desperation, the criminal played his trump card:  ‘Mr Lincoln, you’re the best lawyer in the area. I can’t have travelled all this way for nothing. I’ll give you four thousand dollars.’ At that moment Lincoln flew from his seat, grabbed the man by his collar, dragged him out of the office and threw him into the street. When the man had stood up and pulled his clothes straight, he asked Lincoln: ‘Why did you throw me out when I offered four thousand dollars? Why not for one or two thousand, or when I admitted guilt in the first place?’ Lincoln replied: ‘You were nearing my price!’ 

As William Shakespeare put it, ‘For who so firm that cannot be seduced?’ Everybody has a price; the question is what that price is. Lincoln knew his price. Do you know yours? How much can you be bought for? And what is the price of people you depend on, or for whom you are responsible? How ‘price-elastic’ are they? 

Called from- Why good people sometimes do bad things: 52 reflections on ethics at work by Muel Kaptein

SMOKES & MIRRORS

The month of March...been an awkward month sort of.

Nothing out of the ordinary tho, just that each week had it's own particular 'weird' experience, mostly relating to work. Well, 90% of my time each day is spent at work so my life basically is about work except on Sundays. Can't say same about Saturdays sadly, I have spent most Saturdays in the office this year.

I'm still learning the process of taking things one step at a time (much progress made), learning patience and just trusting and letting God lead the way, 'cus what I have come to realize is He always works it out for my good. Heck! He always gives me better than I wished for/expected. I know it seems like a cliche thing to say but serious talk here, God really works it out even times when it seemed like I have hit a wall and there was no progress coming.

I just say a silent pray and in no time it all works out. I look back at all the pressure I put on myself back in the days, even broke myself under the pressure I put on myself. The thing is I am rather very ambitious and I hate failing. Anything I find doing I strive to succeed. Then I get all so wrapped in it I put so much pressure on myself and....

One thing I have learnt is God answers prayers in His own time. Life is a learning process. One prayer I have been praying since 2013 finally got answered this 2015. I look back and wish I had just chilled all those times I tried to work it out myself but maybe if I just chilled, just maybe I wouldn't feel deserving of it. Though this came on a platter sort of but it sure gave me stress finishing the deal and I am grateful the deal has been finished and all sorted out fine. This job has really taught me a lot. It has really shown me so much about life and mostly taught me how to be at peace even through difficult times and mostly to trust and let God just take the wheel. Apart from learning important stuff about the business world and other academic stuff, I have learnt patience and how not to carry the world on my shoulder. 

There this phrase I learnt from a colleague helps 'what's the worst that can happen?'

I have grown! Boy, have I? While working on the deal, we got stuck. For days we couldn't move because 'Oga at the top' refused to sign-off, meanwhile the customer was on our neck. Going to work was a bit scary, the pressure began to build then I remembered all I have learnt. I said a prayer and let go. Don't know what made me call a colleague in Abuja that day, he gave me an info that seemed just normal but that was the way out of the stalemate. After the deal was done I just sat in awe of the amazing little ways God has sorted out issues for me.

Second week came with the deadline for our special target for everyone. That's when I witnessed serious office shenanigans. I had to pray that God gives me the grace to forgive. I detest oppression and any form of injustice. Funny, I wasn't the only one that got cheated out of his hard work by a senior colleague, my friend Kess narrated her own ordeal to me. See, pressure of the job is real but that doesn't mean it should change you and bring out ugly traits in you. Tomorrow this job can go and you never can tell where you would meet the person again. 

One thing is for sure, you can't work fine with someone you hold a grudge against, you would just be a bitter person and have a stressful work life. So I got played, yes it sucked but for my own good I needed to rise above it. Forgiveness sometimes needs consious effort. For my own peace of mind I had to forgive and let go even though the person thought he was smart. I don't really belive in karma, I just let things go. We win some, we lose some, that's life.

Third week was crazy! I was the boss and the officer all at the same time! Only me available in my team. That was the week all the issues decided to capitalize! God's grace saw me through even though again office shenanigans came to play. But looking back I didn't handle somethings well, boils down to my not dealing and talking about issues. Terrible way to deal with stuff i agree, but I just can't deal! I'd rather keep quiet and keep my distance. Time would sort us out and we'd get talking again.

I have made mental notes of the things I could have handled better so next time would be different. Since Friday I have been having this nagging feeling on my mind. I need to learn how to handle interpersonal relationships better. I am very horrible at it. I am even worse on BBM. One of the things that keeps friendship is understanding. The friends that haven't left despite my inept interpersonal relationship skills are those who know me on ground but for those I have met say once or twice but have on BBM, I swear those ones probably think I am a horrible person added to my inability to chat/talk over issues.

One major part I need to work on is how to manage people. That's a big part of my job, managing irate customers. I have never been a people person or been good at interpersonal relationships. I always have one way of ruining things. Mostly because I don't know how to deal or talk about issues. I just keep my distance, stay quiet and not tell you anything. I really don't like dealing or talking things over. Sometimes my reaction tells you that you have done something wrong, apologize cool, don't apologize still cool. I am a strong believer that 'i'm sorry' doesn't automatically make everything okay. 

Mostly it's time that sorts ish out. Sometimes you just need to stay away from some people to evaluate things, get a better perspective or say make yourselves value each other again. Even the bible says it, don't go to your neighbour's house too often lest they get weary of you.

Boundaries are there to maintain lines that shouldn't be crossed. The lines are what keeps us in check and helps maintain mutual respect. Sometimes we get so close and used to someone we cross the lines and start taking them for granted. That's when you need to step aside and just take plenty steps back. You need to realign and set those boundaries again to regain your respect. It's true what they say, you don't know what you have till you lose it. If you don't stay away from some people or reduce the jokes you share with them, they'll see you finish to the last.

There was a time I got so worried I was giving people a wrong impression about me so I deleted my BBM app for a while. Had to get back on it sha, so I decided just close friends alone who get me. I don't have up to 40 contacts and it keeps me sane. Can't deal with so much crowd in my life at the same time. I really don't get how people can have over a hundred contacts. People are different I guess.

Though I keep this blog and write personal stuff, I am really a private person sort of. I have talked myself out of shutting this blog down (almost did that second week of this month). I'm complicated and I have different sides depending on my mood. The thing about us humans is we have this natural instinct to judge people forgetting our own sins and flaws. I'm paranoid and insecure. I hate the feeling like people are watching me. Sometimes I just start accepting request then maybe it gets to 40 contacts I start feeling suffocated, like my life is crowded.

One thing I learnt from my University days is people are a big problem in life with their numerous opinions about how well you should live your live. It's best you just have a few around you. The less persons around you, the less bullshit you have to deal with. Trust me on that.

Kike was chatting me up on some stuff last week and I told her something which I never really pondered on before. All the women I work with here are married!!! How's a niccur gonna be great when I spend all most all my time at the office? She laughed and said no wonder I haven't taken a million pictures with fine chicks since unlike when I was in Lagos. (she sure knows me well).

Last Saturday evening I was bored, started going through my old facebook messages and then came across all the messages my University ex and I shared right from when we first met, the time we were playing friends and puppy love shii...then when there was 'the war'. The first message I saw from the war era made me close my browser. Painful memories. So many things I should have handled better. Funny we actually worked it all out but I just had to walk away when I felt I was becoming a threat to what my friend had with her. Sometimes I wonder if they understand why I disappeared. Well, I never told them anything, still wouldn't.

Ending last week, I felt stiffled, like I needed an escape. I needed to go some place quiet, just stay still, leave everything behind and just let go. Stay there and take in the air, appreciating nature and just be free. Sunday I got the chance. But then I didn't wanna go alone so I hit up my paddy Emeka and we hung out at the Botanical garden in Uniben. Of course, yours truly couldn't do with out taking some pictures. It was nice and the weather was friendly. I just stayed there and really had some peaceful time out. We got there 12pm when I checked the time on my phone it ws some minutes to 4pm. Best thing was I felt alive and refreshed. Sometimes quiet company is good, sometimes human company is better.

It would be 2years now I have known my special friend - Makua. I can't remember the exact date but know it was about this period. I call him special because when I knew him I was having doubts about being called for my current job. I had long done the medical test and still hadn't heard from them. Normally after the medical tests they call you up immediately. Oh yes! After not hearing from them for over a week, I thought I had HIV and that's why they had disqualified me. Sha, Makua who barely knew me then was a great source of encouragement and they called!!! Friends are good, but good friends are awesome!

Even though Makua and I don't really share same outloook on most life issues we are blood and yup, the dude is currently abroad enjoying pizza, hot dogs, milk shakes and rolling with 'fresh people' as he calls them. I miss that dude for reals and love him so much.

It's election Saturday, I don't feel socially responsible. Actually I don't really belive anything good can come from the two major candidates so I just sat at home all day, read a book after writing this post and continued playing the really tight Fisfty Shades of Grey movie soundtrack album. Those songs used in the movie are great stuff.  Thinking of trying my hands on a fictional post, it's been a long while I last wrote a short story. Just hope I still got it in me.

Empire!!!! Finally watched it after hearing so much about it. I started watching it thursday evening and I kept on watching even till past midnight. I had to discipline myself to stop since the Federal government refused to declare public holiday against pre election day (absolute let down!). After work on Friday I couldn't wait to get home. Watched the remaining episodes till late in the night! Now I want more!!! My favourite characters are Cookie and of course Jamal!!! Gosh his voice is amazing and yea he does look good. Is it just me or does that Andre character look somehow like D'Prince (Don Jazzy's younger brother)? They have one kinda resemblance, facial structure wise and body built.

So because of the election today I have to stay indoors though I really don't feel like being in doors. I feel the urge to eat pasta, chicken wrap, kiwi flavored scoop ice cream mixed with strawberry scoop, and of course not forgetting the toppings. Then maybe add pizza by the side. But it's lockdown everywhere sadly.

Yup! I love eating junks. Before I ate a lot and didn't add weight but story has changed. After gaining weight ending last year, though I successfully shed them off late January this year. I have noticed my weight keeps fluctuating. This week I add weight, I get conscious of it, starve for a day and do more exercises to lose weight. Then the cycle repeats itself. The only part of my body I can't seem to control is my back side. The stuff's just getting bigger eh!! Even my colleagues have noticed (I feel violated when they tell me, I mean what the hell? Why they be staring at my ass?)

Majorly, I don't want the weight because it makes my face fatter and I don't like the chubby cheeks at all. I like my face slim with sharp sides and cheek bones, gives the eyes this sharp edge when you take a picture with your face tilted to the side. Don't wanna lose all that.

Got so worried about the weight ish, especially as my stomach started gathering fat. I bought a sit-up bench. Boy! Exercise isn't for lazy people at all. Sometime when I walk past the bench it's like I hear it calling my name, begging me to come utilize it and sometimes it's like the equipments is mocking me that I wasted the money I used in purchasing it. *sigh

I have a new task for myself. I have decided to be a better person (not going to start talking things out tho) I don't have the energy to deal. But generally i'll try to control those little things that gets my head spining especially when people keep me waiting without explanation. Gosh! That's just the fastets way to get me pissed. Before I'd just wait for you, when you finally decide to show up all you get is a sulking side of me. But it seems I have taken it a notch higher. On two occasions I actually drove off because I got tired of waiting. Though when my head came down I called to appologise. I feel if I don't watch it soon I won't be apologizing. 

But seriously, if you agree a time with someone, what's so difficult in keeping to time? Or what's so hard in beeping the person that you are running late? I feel it's disrespectful and a sign that you take the person for granted when you keep someone waiting without beeping to appologise or give a heads up on why you are running late. That shii drives me nut.

I am trying to make a mental review of every form of relationship/fling I have had or almost had then see where I screwed things up. Sincerely, I need to improve and become a better person 'cus I'd soon be taking that bold walk down the aisle (in a few years time tho). Its time I sort myself out once and for all ni. The most puzzling thing is its the little things other people ignore that makes me mad, I really don't know why.

They say people always leave but sometimes we help push them away, that I know I am very guilty of.

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

LITTLE TASTE OF BLISS...(an ode to 'Riq)

Disclaimer: This is not a Valentine post or anything of sort.

#Np: last kiss - Taylor swift

I met someone whom I am going to refer to as Riq. After suffering loneliness from December's break up all through January, fate blessed me with a taste of magic. Though from the very start I knew it wasn't going to last but I told myself this time I wasn't going to run or miss out on this opportunity to live life. It was cast in stone Riq was going to be in town for less than two weeks from our meeting, still I was going to just live the moment and deal with the consequences later. 

Normal me would run the moment I knew there was going to be long distance involved but this time, I just needed to live and put myself and maybe my heart at risk. What has being so careful brought me? Loneliness and heartbreak.

Anyway, work didn't allow me see road after meeting sort of officially last week sunday. We did finally see last week friday after our week long online conversations which we could manage in-between busy schedules. By the time we met face to face, it was like we had known each other since forever.

Oh Riq! What a blissful weekend you blessed me with. Finally the memory of le ex was wiped out. Actually, first week of February one day, I just realised I had moved on. I wasn't making effort to forget the relationship or my ex. I had just one day healed and moved on. Just like that, without even noticing.

There wasn't any expectation with Riq. It was going to be short-lived. By the end of the week Riq was travelling back to base. All we had was that weekend, that moment and all we could do was live it and make beautiful memories, of which I know I did.

I had made provision in my mind. I can't do long distance for sure, so it was what it was. No relationship hopes or shii. I made my stand known and Riq understood. Last weekend was ours and we hung out. I was already comfortable and well, I guess I still have a bit of McSteamy because I was totally in my element saying the most outrageous and ridiculous things ever.

Made me know I hadn't lost my sense of humour even though sometimes work has a way of making me so serious. My colleagues say I have two personalities. The jovial and fun me comes out when I don't have much work to do while the all so serious dude who doesn't like interruptions comes out when I have tons of stuff on my desk. The new guy in the office was like, how do I do it? I flow with everyone at work from the Manager to the security men, cracking jokes and harassing people. Lool, they call me terrorist in the office. I guess working out of Lagos taught me well on how to harass people to get your work attended to but at the end of the day know how to balance it with jokes.

Anyway back to Riq and my few days of fairy tale. Each time I said something crazy or did something fun-silly (I actually twerked or attempted to do something like twerking for Riq) *palm in face, Riq always let out this soft carefree laughter. Gosh! I never said anything but that laughter always got to me. Broke my defences. 

Riq's laughter is so tender, soft and innocent. Just makes me want to live in the sound of the laughter forever. Makes the world feel so easy like there are no cares to worry about. That laughter so magical, it's like pouring smooth warm chocolate gently and watching it land softly, swirling as it hits your palm. So creamy.... You can't help but fall in love when Riq let's out that laughter. I'd just get caught up and want to cover those lips with....*trails off

A little taste of true happiness. I had the best weekend yet and I have relieved it over and over in my head already. I don't know if Riq is going to read this, but if Riq does, know you gave me the best weekend I have had in a long while. It's a shame we can't explore this, see where it leads us. I guess we'd blame it on distance (not my lack of courage to go the distance.) 

"Love really is not enough. When going into a relationship you have to think and apply wisdom. Make sure it’s what you want and what you can handle and live peacefully with." - Iyosayi14 (long distance post of 17 January, 2012)

I made my peace with the short time we had. They say when there's no more wood the fire burns out. But in my case, I really don't know how to explain the feeling. Riq went back to Lagos yesterday. There was no that final hug or face to face goodbye. It just happened. I got a message 'I am on my way to Lagos'. Maybe that's Riq's way of getting closure, avoiding the painful emotional goodbye. We all deal with stuff our different ways, but what matters is we get better in time.

"You gave me little piece of heaven and you took it away, girl I'll miss you more each passing day, I need a miracle now" - Westlife (Change the world)

I miss Riq so much it almost physically hurts. I know the original plan was just hangout, have good company for the weekend and have harmless fun but somewhere along the line I think I derailed. At first I liked Riq, slowly, but then I fell all at once.

What I felt I can't say or figure our yet. Love? Infatuation? Crush? One thing I know is it wasn't some sexual physical attraction because we connected way beyond the physical ish. A very important box was ticked, we love same kind of music. 

On Wednesday morning while we were chatting, I started typing 'I love you' but stopped half way, deleted it. I felt it wasn't right, maybe too soon but I was pretty sure I felt (I still feel) that way about Riq. 

I mean that's what the movies teaches us right? You can't just meet someone and say you are in love, even if you are sure. They say its against the rules to say it so soon and yea, not forgetting that rule of who says it first has lost his advantage and now has the less power in the relationship. 

The heck?? Is love really a game? Who set these damn rules eh?

"Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right" - Taylor Swift (State of grace)

I remember Amanda Seyfried's quote in Dear john, where she said two weeks is enough to fall in love. Is there really a right time to know it is truly love? I agree one has to be careful and not wear his heart on his sleeve but sometimes if you don't say those words on time...love just might pass you by. 

"If you love someone, you tell 'em even if you are scared that it is not the right thing, even if you are scared it will cause problems, even if you are scared it will burn your life to the ground, you say it and you say it loud! And you go from there..." - Dr. Mark Sloan's advice to Dr. Avery Jackson on his death bed (Grey's Anatomy S09E02)

Riq, I never saw you coming and I'll never be the same. With time I know this feeling of love shall turn to pain because I am already missing you more than words can say. 

"The thing about pain is, it demands to be felt" - The fault in our stars.

ROLLER COASTER

That feeling when you are so happy but then deep within, you know that it won’t last forever.

I was on vacation in November. It was fun and peaceful. I had enough time to relax and my bae was with me then. All was perfect and nice. December came along with the cheating discovery and inevitable break up. Ended up a messed up first week of december. Second week of December I resumed work after the vacation. Work helped me forget my relationship woes. Though at night, just that moment before sleep takes over, when it's just me and the big dark world, that true hour that determines if truly you are happy or just a sad loner. That moment of truth when all the laughs you share with friends during the day are all gone, when its just you to your thoughts, yea, that very moment before sleep takes over...they were never nice to me. Always painful. Yes, work took my mind off things but those miss you nights were the longest and loneliest.

There was a time I was at my weakest, I felt maybe I was too harsh breaking things off, maybe I should have forgiven, maybe it wasn't too late that we could still get back together, mend our hearts and heal. I had to slap the thought out of my head. Once a cheat, always a cheat...this has been proven true over and over. It was hard and I really did miss my ex and all the good memories but I knew I wouldn't die from that broken heart. I had made a tough decision, my pride and dignity was protected because when you keep taking shit from people, you lose your value. No one should be allowed to take you for granted/disrespect you so much by cheating on you and then come back.

Truth is they'll do same thing again, knowing you'd forgive and take them back.

The week of Christmas came. Holiday spirit was in the air. All of a sudden things changed without my noticing. I went to my church Christmas carol on the 19th of december and boy, did I have fun! I sang along to the carols care freely. I was in haven.

That week we had few customers to attend to as most of them had closed for the break. So generally I was less stressed. I downloaded more Christmas albums, I especially loved Relient k’s Christmas album but none came close to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album (still my favourite). Ashanti’s 2014 christmas album was a nice listen, a lot more better than her previous Christmas effort. Then Pentagonix album was nice also.

December 24th was lovely. Spent it at the office with nice colleagues and at close of business I sat with the operations branch manager and we popped a bottle of champagne. And of course took pictures :D (I'm a picture junkie). I was happy. True happiness I couldn’t explain.

I went out with friends, visited neighbours, hung out with my colleagues at the pool, ate and well, once in a while i missed my ex but generally i was happy.

Friends even noticed it from my pictures. Stanley did chat me up and said he noticed i was happy, Mute did too and a few others. I can't explain it but I know it felt good. Christmas holiday came and went. Back to business. Work still wasn’t all that serious, then the news came that January 2nd would be a public holiday meaning we were going to have a repeat four days of holidays again in January. Pure bliss.

I had same routine for January just like i spent my December holidays. Movies, chocolate, food, pizza, swimming with colleagues and a few others. I almost ended up with a bad habit. Friends started cautioning my alcohol intake. Later on, everyone kept saying i was getting fatter and adding weight. I had to go to the gym amongst my many holiday stops.

See, I have longed screamed and wailed that i was not growing bigger or adding weight. People used to laugh at how skinny i was and that I had a tiny waist. Now when I was finally adding weight they found something new to talk about and taunt me with. Human beings tho! *sigh

The weight I long wished for now turned into a torn in my flesh. I won't pretend I am not a bit insecure when it comes to my physical appearance, so what people say about my looks kind of affects me. I had to head to the gym but well, na 419 gym things I come dey do o.

I’d hit the gym, next thing i would be at kada cinema eating pop corn or be at kada fries eating pizza and ice cream or at home downing chocolate or alcohol or large plates of rice and chicken. I stood on a scale at the gym and saw i had added 10kg! Me? how?

It was my best holiday ever. Second week of January it was back to business fully. Just like my happiness came without me noticing, so did sadness take over without my noticing. There was no slow drowning into depression or sadness. One day I woke up and realised I wasn’t as happy as I was during the holidays. I was sad and empty. I couldn’t pin-point a particular issue that was weighing me down, I just felt blank and sad. I remembered something my friend, Bright in training school used to say then. He’d say when you get to the top, there's no place else for you to go other than down.

At a point I started contemplating closing this blog. I felt I was revealing too much of my personal life. (Yet I still get accused by people of being too secretive and I'll be like huh???)

Sometimes I feel I'm opening myself up to unnecessary judgements and scrutiny. But I remember the positive feed backs I have gotten and how people have told me I mirror exactly their feelings, things they could not pen down and how it has given them clarity or how they relate to my posts...maybe I should make a post of collections of positive feedbacks so I could read it again and again so I never shut down the blog.

And no, it wasn't the annoying dusty weather causing the sadness. I hate this weather. Shoes and cars get so dirty. You clean up and next few minutes its all covered in dust. Back then in the University I used to love this period because it gave me the chance to wear and show off my various hooded jackets, now they are all packed up in a bag. *sigh

I thought of updating my blog with a fictional story post. It's been a long while I wrote a short story, but all I could think of writing was something very controversial, dark and sinful. That obviously wasn’t going to go well as first post of the year plus I was going through serious writer’s laziness at the time.

I searched for new music. I got stuck on Demi Lovato's last album titled Demi. I have always said it is best when you are an album person, that is you listen to an artist’s full album instead of just one song or few songs off the album. Listening to complete albums helps you appreciate the artists more and understand them better. I have heard Demi Lovato’s give your heart a break, let it go and neon lights records before but I never really appreciated her voice or took her as a serious singer.

But after listening to the album, songs like never been hurt, two pieces, heart attack, warrior, nightingale, in case, and her cover of Ed Sheeran’ give me love got me swooning over her voice. That girl is damn talented.

Music helped ease my mood, before the 'ultimate crusher' came. Shit happened at work again. Stuff like this happened in July last year. Then I let it hit me hard. Afterwards, when I got better and my worst fears didn’t come to pass, I told myself that next time I'd never let stuff get to me again and I’d handle it well knowing that whatever happens to me was permitted by God and it was all part of His perfect plan which would all work out well for my good.

So I stayed strong and didn’t let it bother me. It tried to crush me. Yes, I did feel a bit bad but when I got home, I ate, watched some parts of the movie I had been watching all week (takes me a full week to finish watching a movie because of long hours at work), I chatted with my pals and slept well. Fate decided to bless me on thursday night with a beautiful dream - I was in the arms of the one I loved (can't even remember the face now) but we were so happy in the dream. I'm going to hold on to the memory of that dream as long as I can, makes me feel warm and a lot better.

But the weirdest thing followed the day after the dream. Yesterday at work, I heard familiar voices call my name same way the persons normally pronounce my name. I'll turn and realise no one called me. Happened a couple of times in the office. At the risk of sounding superstitious, I really got bothered when I got home in the evening and heard my mum call my name only to go meet her and she said she didn't. Should I be worried? Would you be?

So yesterday, I woke up with the memory of the dream, it's been nice just thinking of it and well, it is making me feel like I should get back into a relationship but it’s too soon. I take time to move on and heal. I am just letting time do the healing cus that's what it does best. Time heals us of our scars. I have got great friends and awesome colleagues who bring out the joyful and jovial part of me.

“No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.”

Carrie from Sex in the City

So this is life, sometimes things are good, other times, things are hard but we push on and endure the hardships because soon enough the sun will shine...

"Sometimes it seems you gain less than you lose.
Now we've got holes in our hearts, yeah we've got holes in our lives.
Where we've got holes, we've got holes but we carry on" - Holes by Passenger (lovely song)

Well, what do i know? ...I am but just a kid

'OF KARMA, INFIDELITY AND OTHER RELATED MATTERS...

I'm just going to post it. No need for long story. I have been paid back in my own coins. I got cheated on by someone I love dearly, and guess what? I was cheated by my boo with a friend of mine! Yep...same love triangle story, only this time I am the one who got cheated on.

It stings and it hurts. Now I can imagine what I put my friend through. When you get cheated on, what are you supposed to feel? Hurt? Betrayal? Disappointment? Hate? Anger? Or all of them mixed together, wrapped up in you and just wanting to explode?

In this sort of situation where the other guy is your friend, double all those terrible feelings. I guess fate has paid me back. But it sucks. 

Shit happens but one thing I know is unlike the friend I wronged in the past, I don't know how to go back to a cheating ex. Forgiveness can come after all the emotions and anger has been dealt with but trust can never be there again. Never ever and when there's no trust in a relationship you have nothing.

People are different. People forgive and stay with their cheating partners and work things out but I am naturally paranoid and when I have a reason not to trust someone, that's it. There's no fixing it or repairing anything. I can work through many flaws in a relationship, but cheating? That's a whole new craze on its own. 

I used to think people that cheat are just lacking self-control and discipline. But there's more. Love is not enough to stop one from cheating, neither is having self-control. Its normal to feel attracted to someone else even when you truly love another and you two are in a serious relationship. Self-control and discipline makes you look away and not act on the attraction but when it's someone that's close and always around, love and self control isn't enough. Then you'd have to run from temptation and avoid it at all cost. 

I recently asked a colleague why he didn't come for the office' end of year party, he said his wife didn't want to come hence he stayed at home. I was like, so because your wife didn't want to come you then decided not to come? Couldn't you come alone? His reply made me respect him on a whole new level. He said he decided not to come to avoid anything that"ll lead to infidelity. 

Being my usual self, I had to tackle him more but his reply made me respect him even more. He said "man know thy self! I know my weaknesses, if I cheat now, it's you that will be the first to accuse me and paint me bad". (He was right about me there). 

You have to choose between your relationship and the attraction. If you choose your relationship, for the sake of protecting what you have, you avoid and cut ties with the one you feel just a physical attraction to (hard but beneficial). 

Avoid those lone visits to their houses because the flesh is weak and don't tempt yourself. No matter how disciplined or in love you are with your partner, one day you'd be vulnerable and fall. You might lose that relationship for just a fling that'll not last. Sad thing about such is, once you have satisfied the attraction, it's over but then you'll lose your relationship if you get caught (and you will get caught someday.)

Love is easy really. It's just us greedy humans who complicate things. You choose to be with someone yet, you can't overcome your flesh and avoid all forms of temptations. How greedy can we be? What really do we want?

I feel bad becuase I saw all these coming but I let my heart lead the way even when my head told me what's up. The truth is, if they cheat with you, they'll definitely cheat on you. The signs are always there but we just ignore them and say they would change, but we know better, we just ignore the warning signs.

What's the idea about meeting people? So you fall in love and settle with the right one right? Build something good with them over time abi?

You'd expect that when two people decide to date they would focus on building what they have. But not in the social media age we are in. Some people (both girls and boys) are just addicted to social media or they are just plain insensitive or indisicplined I guess. Time they should invest in building their relationship they would use it to be having meaningless chats on various social apps, setting themselves up for avoidable temptations and then come back and say I am sorry, expecting everything to be automatically fixed. 

I blame myself for everything. I mean, from the word go I didn't really have so much trust, started on a complicated note. Plus this was someone who admitted to cheating all previous exes, what made me think mine would be different? Smh...but it's all cool sha. Once in a while we all get to be fools in love. The bad thing about all this is I am most likely going back if not deeper into my phobia for relationships. I broke my rule, put myself out there and now the very reasons why I never bother with them and the stress and drama that comes with relationships have been revalidated. I am done.

Saw this on twitter lately - "@lnsaneTweets: I sleep so peacefully at night, knowing that I am single and that there's no one out there cheating on me"

This age we are in, trust seems like a myth. Its going to be a miracle for me to open up or let anyone in again. It's not worth it. Though I really do miss my ex but I have to be brave and know exactly what's good for me. I can't allow loneliness or nostalgia over good memories of moments we shared make me go back to a toxic relationship. 

People do that, go back because of loneliness but it is never really the same, the happiness is gone. All you see are the cracks and with time you guys just fall apart finally. It can't be forced, once it's broken, it is broken. "You can't play on broken strings" - (Broken Strings - James Morrison ft Nelly Furtado). 

So I am going to skip that part, just take my time and process this on my own time. No rush to heal, that's for time to take care of. Just do me and enjoy my own company till maybe someone true comes along and hopefully I get over this scar and open up again to let someone in and most importantly get over my paranoia. 

Truth is, in the begining of relationships we see certain signs. We know we should back out then, when we are not yet so deep in it. But we stay and refuse to go, telling ourselves they will change or we will work it out. But truth is, hardly do those things ever change because it's who they are, who they have always been even before we met them. So chances are they wouldn't change. Either we ignore and just bear/tolerate or we leave for our sanity's sake.

One thing is for sure, never again shall I ignore the early warning signs (I sincerely hope for my own good).

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

TWO TIMES THE DOUCHE?

Dear Blog,

Why are my things always complicated? Why is it that the times I have felt so in love and really wanted to give a relationship a try (even though its not normally my thing), my crush all had to be in a relationship, but yet it's me they wanted to be with? Or distance was there to ruin it.

The sad part about the last two times was, when they finally left their boo for me, my ship had sailed. I'd hate for that to happen again because I am really into this one and it feels all so good.

I have written about this my peculiar ish before (Complicated - (May 14, 2012)). I am finally beginning to believe I carry a curse of falling for those I can't have. I remember when I newly resumed in Benin, there was this cute, calm, soft spoken lady I met at a sister branch. She was everything. We made small talk whenever I went to her branch. 

Some months ago, I was at her branch with my colleague. She was in the opposite office, but I could see her working on her desk through the glass wall. I asked my colleague about her. I always thought she was my age mate or there about and same level with me. But I got the shocker of my life!

She was two levels above me, not just that, she was also Married!!! And guess the finishing blow? She has three kids!!!!! O_O

My colleague read me and laughed so hard when she realized I had been crushing on the lady. I swear, I had to admit it. The funny thing is, all this time the wedding band I could clearly see on her finger that moment, I had never seen it before. Choi!

Back to my present situation, i feel guilty that I am trying to steal someone else's boo (not really tho)...again! I don't want to be the guy who does that but in my defense, I would have walked away but they were already having problems and were going to break up even before I entered the picture. Honest truth, well...that kept my conscience clean till Ibukun asked me when are they breaking up.

That question put me to shame. I used to insult and laugh at the 'foolishness' of TV characters that keep being the other guy/woman, pathetically waiting for the one they are involved with to break up with their partners and be with them. I used to say how lonely/pathetic could they be? Well, you see...not until you are in a situation you'd never really know what's up.

  

I am in love. Yes, I am and it feels so good. I am in a happy place but I have to apply reason so if they don't break up by end of this week, I'd take what's left of my pride and walk way. I refuse to be the other guy or the pathetic dude who says he'll wait just to see if things don't work out between them.

Love in a twisted way makes one selfish. I remeber how I didn't feel any remorse when I stole my close friend's girl then. I just knew what I wanted and was out for it. Yea, I agree that you can't really snatch someone except the person decides to be snatched but that's to an extent. Without you being there, encouraging them, they just might put in more effort to work things out with their partners. But if after leaving they still break up, I think then its ok to step in.

That's how I used to insult Angelina Jolie and Alicia Keys for stealing other people's husbands but now...I apologize to them for being harsh. The heart you see, wants what it wants. Not that I am saying stealing other people's boo is right, it takes a lot of discipline and courage to actually break your own heart and walk away.

Recently I posted this on facebook - 'That lonely honourable road of walking away instead of stealing someone else' boo...' Truly it's one hell of a lonely road people rarely take.

After that previous experience, I told myself I would never help anyone cheat again or steal anyone's boo again, but I guess words are just words. No? 

No! I am bound by my words and my words are my credibility. This is hard! So I should walk away and be wishing people's relationship bad so I can be happy and have le bae running into my hands for shelter?

Even though I know he isn't treating her right, that's no excuse to step in as a knight in shinning armor as most people would say. Really though, I wonder how it is that someone isn't treating you right and yet you still stay? Maybe the fear of being alone holds them back, but in this situation where you have met someone you say you really like and want to be with? Hmm...guess I wouldn't know this till I get into this situation also (oghene reject!).

Writing this just brought clarity. I mean that last paragraph just gave me new insight into this all. If she can do this to someone else, what makes me think I won't suffer same fate in her hands? Also if someone really wants to be with me I don't know what would hold them back in the relationship they term bad for them. Am I missing something here?

Now I feel all strong and empowered, just like yesterdy till I was in presence of the one who currently holds my mumu button and that's how the integrity speech I had planned to give to end things and walk away all evaporated from my head. *sigh

I remember that dp I saw which said - 'you know that tingly feeling you feel when you are falling for someone? That's common sense leaving your body'. I swear! Story of my life right now!

It's been a while I have felt this way and even comtemplated going into a relationship. Meeting someone that makes me want to break my own rules, that's huge but its such a shame it's coming with complications. Well, I have made up my mind...by the end of this week, if they aren't broken up I'd join all ye saints who have taken that lone honourable road of walking away. I don't want to be a douche/hypocrite a second time.

So I told Ibukun about my decison and his first response was, 'the pushing people away spirit, I should have seen it coming'. Hmm...he's right maybe, I dunno...my head wants to do the right thing of walking away but somewhere deep down I know that pushing away spitrit has been at work, looking for one tiny detail to make me wanna sabotage us and push le boo away. But the end result is all that matters shey? I don't get to be an asshole or lover snatcher init? Ugh!

Still, these past few days have been really beautiful, meeting everyday and spending amazing time with each other. Found myself doing stuff I won't normally do...relationships definitely would change someone but I think once in a while its good to step back a bit and have a clearer picture of what's going on be sure you are not being a fool in love. 

And there I go again, instead of just living and be happy, going for what I want, going with the flow and just enjoying love, I am already talking of over thinking and shii...

I guess I really don't know a thing about love after all. *sigh

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

December 14, Happy birthday to me

First things first, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Ok. I don't really like birthdays that much. For one, the attention on you that day can be so overwhelming. I am very shy and I naturally hate phone calls. You should see me get so shy over the phone, I'd just be mumbling words like a teenager talking to le crush. That's why I hide my d.o.b on Facebook plus I really don't like my wall being defaced. But each year, no matter how I try to hide my birthday I always have good friends who call me out and post messages on my wall and on bbm too and it gets to me and warms me up and it's really nice having people, friends, wish you a happy birthday. Makes you feel loved and special and then those friends who call out of the blue and you are surprised they remembered your birthday, totally nice...don't mind my mushy ish, am a sucker for emotional stuff.

Then of course, there's the obvious fact that I am actually growing old and currently the big three zero is staring at me and it's some what freaky when I realize in a few years time I would actually be thirty years! I mean me? Ha!!

I remember those days when I was much younger, I used to see those people in their early twenties as really big uncles and aunties, talkless of those in their late twenties. Now I look at myself in the mirror and I am like, huh? Is this how those big uncles looked then or am I missing something? Funny, i guess kids now would be looking at me in that same eye and be like big uncle ish.

Anyway, currently playing Taylor Swift's 22...giving myself hope with the lyrics "I don't know about you...but I am feeling twenty two.." But honestly tho, I actually feel twenty two, actually I feel twenty. I feel young inwards and I dunno, just feeling really happy today and it's a good thing I guess, even though my car wanted to deal with me today. If not that I am so tired from battling with my tyre that got slashed I woulda been dancing carefreely to this 22 song.

Today was harvest thanksgiving in church. I sat and reflected on the past year to where I am now. I feel blessed and accomplished. I am really grateful to God Almighty for a wonderful and beautiful year. It's been God all the way. Even though I went through some difficult things this past year but right now, where I am today every issue has been resolved and I feel so light and for that I have every reason to be thankful. So I say thank you Lord for a beautiful year and I trust that He'll grant me an even much more beautiful new year and take me to the next phase of my life.

People wonder why I have the number '14' attached to the name of this blog, well this is the secret. 14 is my lucky number sort of. December 14 is my birthday. In the university my matriculation number was Agr0500014, then there are some other cool stuff that happened to me related to the number 14. So number 14 is pretty special to me, but mostly because it my birth date. That's why it's Iyosayi14.

When I was younger I had the feeling that it's a sin sort of to leave church service before closing plus those scary preaching I heard about people missing the angels who brought their blessing because they didn't stay till close of service. That's how I grew up with that belief and it sorta developed into this OCD if I should put it that way, that if I leave service before closing something bad will happen on the way. That's how my fear caught up with me today. As I earlier wrote, today was our church harvest thanksgiving and it's normal for service to close really late on thanksgiving day. 2pm and they hadn't even gone half way into the service.... jor o. I had stuff to do plus someone was offering to take me out for my birthday and then I had to meet up with a friend to discuss business too and I had to clean the car and press my clothes in preparation for monday. That's how I carried myself and left church and guess what? My tire was flat!

I tried to change it myself but the bolts were too tight. To cut the long story short I had to manage it, drove with my hazard lights on and very slowly to a vulcanizer's shop. At the end he had to cut one one of the tyre nuts before he could release the tyre. I was already feeling bad my tyre was damaged beyond fixing but I don't know how the dude did it, my tyre came back to life after say four hours. The shameful part? As they were still fixing my tyre, church closed and I could see my church members going home.

Anyway over the years I have learnt to take things in good faith and know that all things happen for a reason and everything that happens to me is because God permitted it to happen. Who knows if I had waited till closing that's when I would have had to fix the tyre, meaning i'd get home by 9pm that's if the vulcanizer hadn't closed by then or shii. Then again I took it as all part of growing up, I mean this is me dealing with stuff now. This dude is officially now closer to thirty than twenty..hehehe

Growing up and responsibilities tho...the shii we never thought would come with growing up, all we knew when we were kids was I wanna grow up and be independent of my parents authority...bla bla bla, if only we knew better.

But in all, it was a good day. I over fed, ate a full plate of fried rice and jollof rice, drank too (I am not an alcoholic) and I lost count of the pieces of chicken i got to eat today. Also had time to catch up with old pals and also felt so much love from my bbm pals and those who called, sent SMS and wrote on my Facebook wall. I hear I'd be getting a cake tomorrow at work and there would be a lil something something too...I hope it all goes well and I get to snap cute pics too. Yup, I am a picture junkie...

So this is me saying special thanks to everyone who made my day memorable, with love...Iyosayi14