MEMOIR - MY PAIN

#np: Life Support - Sam Smith

‘The thing about pain is….it demands to be felt’– The Fault in our stars

July 7th, 2015 I felt it again but this time it was during the day. Normally it comes at night when I’m fast asleep. I can’t categorically remember how it starts, I just know I awaken curled up in bed, hands clutching at my abdomen, wrenching.

First time I experienced it should be before my NYSC (2011). I had been given strong pain killers to help solve the headaches I was experiencing. Then I concluded it was a reaction to the drug especially as it stopped when I did away with it.

Later on, I experienced it once in a while over the years till it came up again 2013 when I was based in Lagos. Tests were run and various drugs prescribed. It became a thing of the past as 2014 progressed, though I still relived it occasionally. I bore it all like a man, or more correctly, due to my dislike for visiting hospitals.

This year it became quite frequent. I wasn’t on any pain killers or anything of sorts. I began wondering if it was appendicitis but the pain wasn’t restricted to my right abdomen, this was general. It always began from the lower abdomen right through the upper abdomen piercing its way to my left chest and sometimes my back…

Several nights I lived through it, bearing the pain, rolling and tossing till I slept off to awake with it another distant memory.

So this Tuesday at work, I had just concluded a meeting and was about sitting at my desk when I felt it. I paused, couldn’t move a muscle. I just stood immobile letting it take me. I sat down but it won’t let me be. I tried to bear it but it was stronger. My colleagues began asking if I was okay. Forget we normally give the cliché ‘I am fine’ response most times we are asked that. This time there was no pretending. The driver was asked to take me to the hospital immediately.

Funny, the doctor said I was in denial of my ailment. I refused the injection she said would help recede the agony. I was actually too damn shy to expose my bum to the nurses. I told the doctor I was used to it, after all I have been surviving it all this while, this one time wouldn’t kill me. I concluded I didn’t need an injection to numb it. She smiled and let me have my way. Drugs were prescribed. She insisted I took the first dose in her presence as she didn’t trust me to take them.

I am no fool, for once I am going to follow my prescribed dosage strictly. This is no silly fever that my body would fight itself. I am battling real pain and it needs to heal. I need to tackle this physical pain but little did I know I am going to face a psychological battle also.

Back from the hospital and time for lunch, the steaming plate of food starred at me. My stomach needed the food but my mouth would not open. My brain kept seeing this picture of hot food getting to my stomach and burning up the injuries.  You know that sharp pain when water touches a sore on your skin right? That’s the feeling I expect to feel as I take a gulp of water. It never happens but the scary thought is always there. Eating is now a chore. I wonder how my stomach look right now? Is it bleeding? Is it all turn apart?

I select food a lot and it’s been with me for so long and well, I eat but mostly junk food. It takes someone really close to me to notice my dietary deficiencies. I try to force myself at times but I really don’t know…

I’m trying my best to improve my diet, trying to kick out the image of sore stomach walls that shall cringe once food touches them. I hate taking drugs, the bitter taste when mistakenly the tablet dissolves in my mouth or that repulsive movement of the drug down my throat. Makes my body quiver. I feel weak, sore, feverish and cold at the same time. The weather this period isn’t helping, even Dr. Ewaen was like only you? Kpele o. 

I remember the day I came back from the hospital I sent him the names of all the drugs prescribed. Wasn’t trying to be dramatic, just wanted to be sure I wasn’t being given the wrong drugs. Excuse my paranoia but I have once been misdiagnosed. Ended up taking drugs I had no business taking.

His response was that of shock, something along the lines of why are you sending me such drugs? Then he remembered I had gone through the ish before. He confirmed the drugs were the right ones, that’s what I needed, confirmation. I know I will be fine just the whole psychological battle crap I didn’t bargain for.

Sometimes I find myself subconsciously holding my abdomen, thinking and trying to imagine how my insides are. I don’t know why this time around it’s hitting me this hard, maybe ‘cus I had been in denial about it like the Doctor said or I really don’t know....*sigh It just seems all so real this time and I’ve got this battle to fight. Thankfully I don’t feel alone. I’ve got family, colleagues who care and friends who are there too and my personal friend doctor who I can always call on – Dr. Ewaen so I don’t feel alone at all. I’ve got the complete support system though this is the first time I’d be experiencing the physiological side effects of this thing.

I don’t need pity or empathy really. Self-pity disgusts me. Funny my colleague was going along the lines of ‘e yah, kpele o’. Then she began touching my neck in a tender way. I shoved her hands off and asked why she was treating me like an invalid. I’m very emotional, I don’t need stuff that’ll break this bold face I am trying to put up.

What’s that they say again? Big boys don’t cry.

Well, what do I know...I am but just a kid.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL...

#np: The time of my live - David cook

Last weekend, Saturday precisely after attending Word Unspoken (a gospel rap show sort of) at the Uniben Auditorium I decided to chill at one of the school's field with my pal - Osamudiamen.

The weather was cool as it rained the previous day and there was light showers earlier that morning. We sat on a hilly part of the field watching some guys play soccer beneath.

Life seemed so perfect, no stress or worries. We talked about nothing serious but still had an enjoyable conversation. Sometimes we'd be quiet, those times when I’d soak in the moment with memories of my days in school rushing back. Boy! I really miss school. School was damn safe. Though back then I thought getting the best grades was the biggest problem in the world. Honestly being out in the world is quite tough; hustling and trying to make something out of life, where one needs to work hard with so much responsibility and social pressure on you to be someone and make cool cash even if you are miserable with your profession or get bored with daily life routine. *sigh 

Anyway I really loved the atmosphere, the unforced conversations, the freedom and lack of care for anything. I wished I could pause time, spend eternity in that moment and be happily free, forget about work and shii, just savor nature at its best while doing one of my favorite past times activities - watching people as they walk by. 

It was a perfect setting, save for the lack of good music and definitely FOOD!! Well, that would be more of junk food though - say maybe ice cream, sharwama, chicken and chips...scratch that, no chicken. I have been trying this ‘pseudo vegan’ stuff lately (I invented that term). I have gone a week without eating meat and the change has been really impressive. My body feels so much lighter. I read about Beyonce's 22 day vegan diet so I thought maybe I'll try something close. At first it was really hard abstaining from meat especially with the way the cafeteria women at my branch brandish the turkey and assorted meat during lunch time. Sometimes I end up eating five pieces of meat! 

Anyway, I know I need protein, so I have decided to stick with fish (not really a fan of fish except its barbecue with chips). I told my colleague I was going pseudo vegan, she laughed so hard I felt challenged. First week she won as I ended up eating meat. My love for shaki and liver tho.*sigh. Second week I got it right. Last Sunday I didn’t eat meat! Monday morning I woke up sharp with my body feeling so light...

I feel so cleansed sort of, I’m currently trying to avoid eating late at night, though I can't resist not eating the kpekere chips I have stuffed my fridge with while watching movies on my laptop at night after work or on Sundays when I read books. I won't act like I’m going to stay off meat totally, 'cus the way that turkey was calling me today during lunch...choi! I had to leave the cafeteria quickly before I lost control. Maybe I'd do two weeks in a month without meat then two weeks of meat till I strike a balance or something…

My weight still fluctuates but it's not so bad anymore or maybe people are used to the new me with the extra weight they no longer draw my attention to the weight gain. Well, the they still say my back is getting bigger *palm in face

See, this life is beautiful for reals. Little things we take for granted are actually what makes life beautiful. Music, good food, quiet company, movies, laughter, great company, books, games or comfortable silences with the ones we love or just chilling on a field enjoying nature in its purest form while listening to good music especially a song like The time of my life by David Cook or a more melancholy song like Innocence by Avril Lavigne.

“I get lost in the beauty of everything I see

The world ain’t half as bad as they paint it to be

If all the sons, all the daughters stopped to take it in

Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin

It might start now, yeah

Well, maybe I’m just dreaming out loud

Until then…”  

- Come Home by One Republic

Honestly, ambition is a female dog! Ugh! I was watching a movie (Two night stand). There was this scene where the guy ranted about ambition. He totally said all that's on my mind. Seriously life is so much easier and peaceful without ambition. Here's what he said - 

“Ambition is such bullshit. Seriously, it’s just chasing vapor, like… 

Whatever it is that you think that you need, like that job or that gold star, blue ribbon, fancy desk, nice office, like it doesn’t… like once you get that, you’re gonna be confused because you’re not gonna be as happy as you thought you were going to be. 

Then you’re going to be sitting there being like, "why aren’t I happy? I have this… I got the desk.“ 

Because, man, there's another desk. Like there’s always going to be something more that your ambition is telling you that you need. So it’s the next thing, and then when you get that, then there’s another thing. 

It’s an endless cycle. You’re forced into retirement. You’re kicking and screaming. The next thing you know, you’re in a big house, you’ve got four-and-a-half bathrooms, you don’t even have a ping-pong table and you’re dead.” 

— Alec (Two Night Stand, 2014)

  

Anyway, easy for me to agree ba? I can read your mind. I see you sneering saying I should wait till I am married and I have school fees to pay and Christmas clothes to buy for four kids....heheehe 

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

THE THING ABOUT BEING CHEATED ON...

Last week Sunday I woke up to the news on twitter about Toke Makinwa's cheating husband. I won't go into the insensitive trash people were posting. Social media has given opportunity for silly people to air their unintelligent opinions. We get it's our thing to joke about bad situations in the county but still, not everything should be taken as a joke or used to create memes. Some things are just too damn real to be joked about.

My heart goes out to Toke. I mean the hurt, betrayal and humiliation she'll be going through right now. Her's is a peculiar case, in that she is a celebrity and she has a vlog where she gives relationship advice, now it's all right in her face!

When I heard the news I was taken back to last December when I broke things off with my ex who cheated. Some people forgive and work through this kinda thing but truth is once a cheat, always a cheat. My principle is, once they cheat, please kick 'em out! It maybe hard 'cus you are still in love but save yourself the plenty drama that'll keep coming 'cus truly, once a cheat, always a cheat!

No one deserves to be cheated on. If you are tired why don't you just call it quits and go? Seriously!

The stages of knowing you've been cheated on - shock, disappointment, anger, betrayal, sadness, confusion, anger again, numbness then healing...Oh the healing process...you'll have to deal and process the hurt and anger. The effort you'll put in to actually move on. Back in the days when digital pics weren't popular, you'd tear pictures and trash everything that brings any memory of them. Now we just delete all pics from our phones and social media, may seem dramatic but it actually helps one heal. But the part I don't like (sadly I once did that when I was much younger) where people go on social media to trash talk the other. I get it helps release the pain but we really don't need to broadcast our business for the world to seat and eat popcorn while watching our lives like cinema and of course judging and giving unsolicited advice. We could send those words via private messages, infact write an epistle of all the anger you feel, let it out and hit them with it in their damn face, literally, and no! You don't have to be friends with your cheating ex!

I told Kelvin when he was going on and on about still saying hello to his ex, all to show he is matured. I was like, jor o. Some times to hell with maturity! I'd go crazy on you, say it as it hurts and damn you! I don't want to be a friend to you bloody cheat! I may eventually forgive you but for now we are not friends and you don't deserve, me neither am I under any obligation to be civil with you!

Really tho, sometimes you just gotta kick maturity out the door, whatever helps you heal...it's your right noni! Have you seen the movie diary of a mad black woman?

It's not an easy stuff dealing with being cheated on especially when you truly love the person. It takes a strong person to walk away.

"When you love someone but it goes to waste, what could be worst?" Fix you – Coldplay

It takes a really strong person to break their own heart, chose to walk away from a cheating partner they still love and move on. The pain, hurt, loneliness and so many things you'll have to go through even though you know it would have been much easier staying and trying to work things out. But you know better, they'll cheat again. Plus, once the trust is gone, you've got nothing. No one wants to be in a relationship where you can't trust your partner to be faithful. Life is hard enough, can't go living a life where you are always suspicious of their every move, phone call or sms beep...your sanity is key.

Sometimes we tend to love so much we begin to feel we are at fault, giving excuses that our flaws is the cheated. You know how love sometimes messes with your head? (sorry to say, especially the ladies) Kills your self esteem because you are scared of being alone or the fear of not finding another person makes you stay and endure the crap slammed in your face day in, day out meanwhile your life is just passing you by as you stay, becoming miserable, unhappy and sad when in truth you have the power to walk away and be happy. Being single is not a disease! I'd rather be single and happy than be in a relationship and be miserable. You deserve so much better. I remember the movie, 'For coloured women', how Janet Jackson's character had a cheating husband who after philandering would come home to sleep with his wife, at the end dude gave her HIV.

This thing called life is just once. Truth is no matter how good you are, or how much of your all you put in to make it work, sadly, some people just have cheating engrossed in their DNA makeup.

Its one thing when a boyfriend or girlfriend cheats but I don't need to be married to know it’s a whole new level of hurt when it's your wife or husband that cheats. This one hurts a million times over. The vows made and all...*sigh

The hardest part of walking away from a cheat is the pain and loneliness. So much pain but someday without you even realizing, you'd move on from all the pain and be happy again. I have been there, the whole you still being in love with 'em, you'll miss 'em and sometimes question your decision but it's just for a while, you'd get over it and appreciate the peace of mind and most especially it gives you the opportunity to meet someone better and start over.

As far as I am concerned, there is no excuse for cheating. That's why I keep saying know what you want, what you can handle and what works for you. Don't give the excuse of long distance or their not always being around as an excuse for cheating. It doesn't hold water. There really isn't any excuse. (I know situations are complicated and I don't know it all but cheating on someone who really loves you...if you have been cheated on by the one you gave your all; you'd know what I am talking about, heck! There's no excuse for cheating if you are not happy why not leave?)

Indiscipline and setting ourselves up for temptation lead to cheating. Those harmless chats and light flirting we say are not serious and just for fun or you know you are slowly getting into someone you shouldn't feel a thing for but yet you won't stay away...these little things, I call them temptations, are actually avoidable if we just decide to have self control and be disciplined. When you see it coming, when it's still early and the feelings haven't become strong, when you still have control to walk away please walk away.

I was discussing this with my friend, a married woman and she informed me of how her marriage almost ended the previous month. I had to admit that social media hasn't helped these days. It's not only about physical cheating, there's also emotional cheating. You are married or with someone but you spend your time chatting with whomever on social media, spending time and bonding with others instead of investing that in your relationship/marriage. Slowly you are building a disconnect. The only thing that can fuel a relationship is communication, the less communication you have the more you two become strangers. Why not share those intimate thoughts and feelings with your partner instead of having that online person you lean on and at the end start developing feelings for or start comparing your spouse to the person's ability to give you attention? These are little way we allow cracks into our relationships

This Toke experience is one of my biggest fears in a relationship. Giving someone your all then they make you look like the biggest fool. Loving someone and going into something with them is such a big risk, scares me most times and just gives me really huge cold feet about relationships. Naturally with friends and acquaintances, I have a hard time dealing with injustice and betrayal so imagine someone I chose to love and give my all hurting me that way?

Reminds me of what Meredith Grey said in the series Grey's anatomy -

"There's a reason I said I will be happy alone.

It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone.

It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it.

It's easier to be alone because what if you learned that you need love and then you don't have it.

What if you like it and lean on it?

What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart?

Can you even survive that kind of pain?

Losing love is like organ damage, it's like dying.

The only difference is death ends.

This...it could go on forever"

I'd say it again, there's no excuse whatsoever for cheating. If you think there is, ask yourself if your partner cheated on you and gave that reason as justification; would you feel hurt? Would you feel betrayed? Would you be okay with their reason?

Well, what do I know?...I am but just a kid

MAY DAY! MAYDAY! (All about last weekend)

Weekend came early last week. May 1^st (worker’s day) was on Friday. It was a public holiday but of course, I had some left over work I needed to clear up at the office. I got done with work by 3pm then headed to my colleagues’ place. I wasn’t going to risk spending the weekend/public holiday alone and allow those lonely nights kill me.

My two male colleagues, a babe who came to see one of them and myself were all up for the weekend. First stop, we went to eat sharwarma from where we went fuel hunting. It was quite eventful though annoying but at the end it was far better than being home alone listening to sad songs.

Every single filling station we passed was dry as a desert. I kept encouraging the guy whose care we drove in to keep going down Sapele road as most times those filling stations do have when there is scarcity in town. That’s how we took the risk driving on just one bar of fuel left. We got to one filling station on the outskirts of town, I noticed they had fuel but were selling on code to few people. We parked and one of the guys hopped down to hustle fuel. We got there while the day was still bright but left there in the dark without fuel!

Guys and their pride when a girl is around! *sigh My guy couldn’t hustle fuel, but he still refused to come out of the dark filling station. The very same filling station people were coming out of with filled jerry cans. I had to send him an sms which read, “Please come lets go. We all love you and won’t feel let down that you couldn’t get fuel. Your pride is safe. Please come let’s go.”

Bros still refused to come out o...we kept calling and he’d say it is almost his turn. That’s how we waited and I had to send him another one which read “You can just come out and tell us they took their light hence they couldn’t pump fuel”. The other guy waiting for him with me had to go call him from the filling station gate.”

He later finally came out with an empty jerry can. We had agreed not to laughs at him or confront him for staying so long and still come back without fuel but when he started talking too much and giving the lame excuse that it was when it was his turn to get served we called. He had to leave the queue to pick the call and by the time he came back they had chanced him. Ugh!

Even the chick with us lost it and started attacking his tales. Who will pick a call after waiting so long to get fuel when it finally gets to your turn and then you walk off? Na so, story for the gods. Even the guy we met at the gate who told us that they were selling fuel was there and did he mean to tell us that the guy really allowed them chance him?

Oh wait, I had to ask how it was possible that the same guy he met, the person who gave him the heads up that they had fuel allowed them to sell fuel to him first...fake gist.

So we drove back to the house without fuel and that meant a dead evening. That wasn’t going to happened. I told the guy who delayed us that we should take a bus with jerry cans to go hustle fuel. I have never done such in my life, but I just felt the night was already eventful what’s the harm adding more adventure? It was well past 10pm by this time.

So we hopped on a bus in search of fuel and finally found a station selling fuel. We set our cans on the queue and patiently waited. My fast guy friend wanted to be smart again. He saw a man in a truck at the front of the line. Guys were filing his back truck with cans so when it’s the man’s turn he’d buy into their cans too. I watched the man’s body language and warned my friend that the man was going to deny them when it his turn. Thankfully he listened to me and returned the can and that’s how the man truly denied them!

Anyway we got bought the fuel at N120/litre. On top the extortion, the fuel attendant still took our change saying we have to settle him. Same Nigerian that would complain our leaders are corrupt.

We called the guy with the car and he came to pick us up. We all went to the house got dressed and headed off to a bar. The night just begun and I was ready to kill it. Ok, before y’all start throwing stones at me (like Opeyemi did before my gist even got half way), I know I last said I wouldn’t be hanging out again in bars but this was different. Not the plenty pool of guys around a table talking nonsense, this was just a small gathering of me and my two guys and a chick. They did the drinking and I just watched those smoking and drinking, just observing.

Form the bar we went to the first night club. All three pals went in freely but I got stopped by the bouncer. He just stayed staring at me. Oh boy! The height difference was quite intimidating. The previous night I watched the movie - Two Night Stands and the girl in the movie wasn’t allowed in because the bouncer thought she looked like a minor. I thought this was it, same embarrassment was going to befall me but nah... the bouncer let me in after I asked him if there was a problem.

That was my first time inside a night club. I have always wanted to go clubbing before, just know the feeling and see what it’s about. The club was filled with different persons, those smoking, drinking and dancing and those doing all sorts. The place was damn too crowded so we left for a second club. The second one had people being held outside on a queue but one of my guys knew the manager. Just as I have always seen in movies where there is a long line of party goers waiting to enter the club, a set of ‘celebs’ come and are allowed in straight off. Well that’s what happened. I felt so hot and on top of the world walking into the club with all those people on the queue looking at us. Hehehehehe *winks

Anyway that’s how drama started over the chick between the two guys o. The one I was with (the fast guy who wasted our time at the station) got pissed immediately we got in saying the chick with us didn’t pay him attention when he was talking to her. See me see whalaha o! Na you invite the babe come? Na your car she enter? That’s how dude said he was leaving. I too had to leave because I was spending the night in his house.

My other friend and the chick didn’t get what was happening and they too left. Only for this my fast guy friend to call the other guy and started lamenting to the one with the chick about the girl’s attitude, meanwhile his phone was on speaker and the girl heard it all. *sigh!

Anyway they went back to the previous club while I and this fast guy sat at the table. He said he needed a drink to cool off. We sat for like fifteen minutes and I just didn’t get it. I had to tell him he should take me home ‘cus I was the one being punished for no reason. We went home and slept.

Next morning fast guy said he doesn’t know how he would face the other guy that he sent him some harsh sms the previous night, of course he blamed it on the alcohol. How convenient!

 I called the other guy with the chick and told him not to be angry. Anyway we all met up at another spot for lunch with the girl again. That’s how my guys started displaying and of course by now the chick was already feeling important. Fast guy said the other guy isn’t serious with the girl and that he is in love with the girl. hian! I was shocked,  wondering if this guy knew he was breaking a million bro codes...

Anyway I told the other guy to follow me to the atm so we could leave the fast guy and the chick to talk. Well, in my presence I had earlier seen the girl put her in the fast guy’s phone. The babe self nor even good. On our walk to the atm I pleaded with him not to get angry even though the fast guy was really messing up. Truth is we guys are colleagues and the babe would go one day but we’d all still be colleagues working in same office. There was no use fighting a war over her. As they say, bros over.....

So my bucket list has two things struck off. I finally went to a club, not just one, but I actually went to two clubs in one night! Then I had that super experience of walking right past the queue into the club like a celeb. Super cool.

Though I didn’t get to really dance as I wanted to, that’s still on my bucket list to dance so crazy, climb a table, take off my shirt, roll it in the air and scream on top of my voice/ like, totally lose control and go really gaga...someday sha.

Maybe getting high on weed is still on the bucket list, not so sure anymore. I was quite tempted when I saw people smoking that stuff where you put a pipe in your mouth and puff. But the unsanitary look of so many mouths on the pipe...eww! that was enough to kill the temptation.

I got home Saturday evening after a very cool weekend with friends. After my bath, I looked at my bed and realized I actually missed sleeping on my bed. I took off my clothes and fell into the warmth of my bed. What’s that they say? No place like home, init?

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

LIFE AS I HAVE COME TO KNOW IT...

#np: You could be happy – Snow Patrol

Truly, no man is an island...

This was supposed to be a happy note. April started well for me. I had already planned how I was going to detail my activities for the month but apparently life always has its way of making mockery of your plans.

April 1st, April fools day. I went to the office, composed a fake transfer mail from human resources and sent to everyone in my branch. I didn’t know they loved me that much; you should have seen their long faces when I went down to see them, oh! the free hugs I got. I went back up and sent them another mail with a big April fool written on it, they didn’t even wait for me to come down. They all came up slapping and kicking me. It’s not a small feat to fool an entire branch.

Second week, I had to travel to Lagos to finish up a transaction at the head office. Lagos - the city I ran away from. While in air, I imagined what it would be like being in the city again. It had been almost a full year I left and never came back even when I had the opportunity. From the skies it looked beautiful and I thought maybe I missed the city. Touchdown and the real Lagos came to life. The stress came slapping me in the face as I looked through the cab window trying to figure out what was causing the traffic jam.

In Benin City there’s either an accident or traffic light on red or road construction that’s the cause of hold up but in Lagos, you don’t need any incident, traffic jam just happens naturally. That moment my decision to leave that town a year ago got validated.

The days I spent at the head office was fun; I saw old friends and colleagues. I always felt it was a weird arrangement at the head office, the way the offices were created such that everyone sits in an open space. No privacy unlike in Benin where people have offices and your boss office is quite a distance form yours. I always got freaked out by the arrangement then. I had to work out of one of the offices on the transaction and got used to it by the next day but then having to seat directly opposite your boss on same table? That’s just fifty shades of awkward....

Evening came and I hung out with my paddy of life, Cruz. Finally had the taste of real pizza I had been craving and cold stone’s ice-cream, forgotten the name of the flavour I got. One funny ice cream that contains alcohol, totally rad. One other contrasting difference between Lagos and Benin City is by that hour of the day (about 10pm) you’ll hardly see a soul on the road or any shop open but trust Lagos, the city that never sleeps it was business as usual.

Ok. I told myself I was going to make this a short post, oh well....

Last week after bearing much bashing from my colleagues, I decided to hang out with the guys for TGIF. I thought to myself, let me even see what’s in all this hangout ish they keep talking about. I went with an open mind but it was just as I always pictured it. I am not a crowd person, in fact all through the night at the table I felt odd. It wasn’t my scene at all. Grown men seated round a table filled with beer bottles, some smoking, eating fish and just talking nothing reasonable all through the night. It’s the ladies that endure such gatherings I feel for the most. The following morning I told my closest friend amongst them I would not be following them again as I only needed to confirm that I haven’t been missing anything all this time.

The norm we are all used to is that blackberry devices do not have radio. So imagine the look on my face when i discovered my Q10 actually has a radio! I saw the look on Rahzark’s face when I showed it to him. I remember those days when I was much younger, when music download sites were not common, I used to discover songs on the radio. Don’t know when I lost my listening to radio habit, which has to be resurrected. Anyway I discovered new songs on the radio recently; mostly Rihanna’s. A station played dancing in the dark form the Home animation movie. I searched the net for the song and downloaded other original soundtracks she recorded for the movie. ‘As real as you and me' got to me.

The Song totally broke me with her coarse voice singing above the stripped keyboard keys. If you enjoyed her stay record with Mikky Ekko you’d love it also. Then there was also the ‘Towards the sun’ track, another nice Home OST from her. Concerning her 8th album, I really don’t know what direction she is going with it. The first single, ‘Four five seconds’ was impressive and gave me high hopes for the album but then the trashy ‘Bitch better have my money’ single was realised and I was like ugh???? Which was followed by the lukewarm ‘American oxygen’ Well, all I can say is the singles have underperformed so far especially as Rihanna is known as the queen of singles, I mean she has like 13 nos 1 single and so far none of the three singles released from her upcoming album has reached top 3 on billboard hot 100. Something’s not right.

               

#np: As real as you and me – Rihanna

Guess it’s not in my nature to write a short piece after all. I need to release all these feelings I feel. I am a loner and there was once a time I enjoyed being that way; dark, depressed and moody. I enjoyed drowning in it with depressing songs but I am older now and everything seems to have fallen in place so being alone isn’t really working for me.

I have realised I am most happy when am with company but then I go home and the darkness falls. Lately it’s been hard and I feel myself falling into a dark place. I feel like I have been jinxed.

Being around friends and colleagues all day, then hangout with them at weekends but they are just colleagues mostly and there's a limit. Not that complete support system you really need. Can't lean too much on them, they have their own lives else one would become a burden on them. Funny, I have never had it so good before like everything is just working out fine and going smoothly. Nothing to distract me from my reality that there's a space somewhere.

I need fixing.

Mostly I need company. I am not looking for marriage or a relationship. I still have work to do on myself (please don’t ask) and stuff to accomplish before I can even start thinking of marriage.

I won’t make the feeling of loneliness push me into getting into a relationship or shii...I am lonely and what I need is a good friend(s). Friends who are close by not the ones in Lagos or in other cities, not those I only communicate with via cyber space (not saying I don't appreciate those I currently have, they have been amazing especially those that refused to be pushed away). I don’t know how people survive in long distance relationships/marriages, there’s just this thing with being with the person physically, seeing them. Even if you are not saying anything just having them physically present is enough.

I’m thinking maybe I should move out for a while, move in with a colleague at work or something. The thought is there hanging, not seriously pondered on it yet. I don't want to start talking with my walls.

Uniben is right opposite me as my friends say, but students are a major no no for me. I warned two of my colleagues about them, they didn't listen. One went through the craziness last year, the other is currently being dealt with. Even Olugbenga in Lagos had same experience with the student he decided to date...(he'll kill me for this, hehe)

There's just this ogbanje spirit they all seem to have, the drama they bring can last you a lifetime. I don't have energy or the power for such games and gimmicks. What I need is stability, something innocent and real. No drama, no games just true friendship and no, not a relationship. Maybe i'm asking for too much?

So much I need, so much I hope for, so much I have but this empty feeling I just can’t shake off...I hope it gets better in time lest I hurt myself to bring me back to life...

Well, what do I know? I am but just a kid... pray for me

EVERYONE HAS A PRICE

Before becoming president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) was a respected lawyer in Illinois. One day a criminal came to him. ‘I would like to ask you to defend me’, said the man. Lincoln, who had a sneaking suspicion of the kind of person he was dealing with, replied with the question: ‘Are you guilty?’ ‘Of course I’m guilty. That’s why I want to hire you; to get me free.’ ‘If you admit guilt to me’, Lincoln explained, ‘then I can’t defend you’. The man reacted with amazement: ‘But you don’t understand. I’m offering you a thousand dollars for your services!’ Although a thousand dollars was a large sum of money at the time, Lincoln resolutely refused. The criminal replied, ‘Mr Lincoln, I’ll offer you two thousand dollars if you defend me!’ Again Lincoln refused. In desperation, the criminal played his trump card:  ‘Mr Lincoln, you’re the best lawyer in the area. I can’t have travelled all this way for nothing. I’ll give you four thousand dollars.’ At that moment Lincoln flew from his seat, grabbed the man by his collar, dragged him out of the office and threw him into the street. When the man had stood up and pulled his clothes straight, he asked Lincoln: ‘Why did you throw me out when I offered four thousand dollars? Why not for one or two thousand, or when I admitted guilt in the first place?’ Lincoln replied: ‘You were nearing my price!’ 

As William Shakespeare put it, ‘For who so firm that cannot be seduced?’ Everybody has a price; the question is what that price is. Lincoln knew his price. Do you know yours? How much can you be bought for? And what is the price of people you depend on, or for whom you are responsible? How ‘price-elastic’ are they? 

Called from- Why good people sometimes do bad things: 52 reflections on ethics at work by Muel Kaptein

SMOKES & MIRRORS

The month of March...been an awkward month sort of.

Nothing out of the ordinary tho, just that each week had it's own particular 'weird' experience, mostly relating to work. Well, 90% of my time each day is spent at work so my life basically is about work except on Sundays. Can't say same about Saturdays sadly, I have spent most Saturdays in the office this year.

I'm still learning the process of taking things one step at a time (much progress made), learning patience and just trusting and letting God lead the way, 'cus what I have come to realize is He always works it out for my good. Heck! He always gives me better than I wished for/expected. I know it seems like a cliche thing to say but serious talk here, God really works it out even times when it seemed like I have hit a wall and there was no progress coming.

I just say a silent pray and in no time it all works out. I look back at all the pressure I put on myself back in the days, even broke myself under the pressure I put on myself. The thing is I am rather very ambitious and I hate failing. Anything I find doing I strive to succeed. Then I get all so wrapped in it I put so much pressure on myself and....

One thing I have learnt is God answers prayers in His own time. Life is a learning process. One prayer I have been praying since 2013 finally got answered this 2015. I look back and wish I had just chilled all those times I tried to work it out myself but maybe if I just chilled, just maybe I wouldn't feel deserving of it. Though this came on a platter sort of but it sure gave me stress finishing the deal and I am grateful the deal has been finished and all sorted out fine. This job has really taught me a lot. It has really shown me so much about life and mostly taught me how to be at peace even through difficult times and mostly to trust and let God just take the wheel. Apart from learning important stuff about the business world and other academic stuff, I have learnt patience and how not to carry the world on my shoulder. 

There this phrase I learnt from a colleague helps 'what's the worst that can happen?'

I have grown! Boy, have I? While working on the deal, we got stuck. For days we couldn't move because 'Oga at the top' refused to sign-off, meanwhile the customer was on our neck. Going to work was a bit scary, the pressure began to build then I remembered all I have learnt. I said a prayer and let go. Don't know what made me call a colleague in Abuja that day, he gave me an info that seemed just normal but that was the way out of the stalemate. After the deal was done I just sat in awe of the amazing little ways God has sorted out issues for me.

Second week came with the deadline for our special target for everyone. That's when I witnessed serious office shenanigans. I had to pray that God gives me the grace to forgive. I detest oppression and any form of injustice. Funny, I wasn't the only one that got cheated out of his hard work by a senior colleague, my friend Kess narrated her own ordeal to me. See, pressure of the job is real but that doesn't mean it should change you and bring out ugly traits in you. Tomorrow this job can go and you never can tell where you would meet the person again. 

One thing is for sure, you can't work fine with someone you hold a grudge against, you would just be a bitter person and have a stressful work life. So I got played, yes it sucked but for my own good I needed to rise above it. Forgiveness sometimes needs consious effort. For my own peace of mind I had to forgive and let go even though the person thought he was smart. I don't really belive in karma, I just let things go. We win some, we lose some, that's life.

Third week was crazy! I was the boss and the officer all at the same time! Only me available in my team. That was the week all the issues decided to capitalize! God's grace saw me through even though again office shenanigans came to play. But looking back I didn't handle somethings well, boils down to my not dealing and talking about issues. Terrible way to deal with stuff i agree, but I just can't deal! I'd rather keep quiet and keep my distance. Time would sort us out and we'd get talking again.

I have made mental notes of the things I could have handled better so next time would be different. Since Friday I have been having this nagging feeling on my mind. I need to learn how to handle interpersonal relationships better. I am very horrible at it. I am even worse on BBM. One of the things that keeps friendship is understanding. The friends that haven't left despite my inept interpersonal relationship skills are those who know me on ground but for those I have met say once or twice but have on BBM, I swear those ones probably think I am a horrible person added to my inability to chat/talk over issues.

One major part I need to work on is how to manage people. That's a big part of my job, managing irate customers. I have never been a people person or been good at interpersonal relationships. I always have one way of ruining things. Mostly because I don't know how to deal or talk about issues. I just keep my distance, stay quiet and not tell you anything. I really don't like dealing or talking things over. Sometimes my reaction tells you that you have done something wrong, apologize cool, don't apologize still cool. I am a strong believer that 'i'm sorry' doesn't automatically make everything okay. 

Mostly it's time that sorts ish out. Sometimes you just need to stay away from some people to evaluate things, get a better perspective or say make yourselves value each other again. Even the bible says it, don't go to your neighbour's house too often lest they get weary of you.

Boundaries are there to maintain lines that shouldn't be crossed. The lines are what keeps us in check and helps maintain mutual respect. Sometimes we get so close and used to someone we cross the lines and start taking them for granted. That's when you need to step aside and just take plenty steps back. You need to realign and set those boundaries again to regain your respect. It's true what they say, you don't know what you have till you lose it. If you don't stay away from some people or reduce the jokes you share with them, they'll see you finish to the last.

There was a time I got so worried I was giving people a wrong impression about me so I deleted my BBM app for a while. Had to get back on it sha, so I decided just close friends alone who get me. I don't have up to 40 contacts and it keeps me sane. Can't deal with so much crowd in my life at the same time. I really don't get how people can have over a hundred contacts. People are different I guess.

Though I keep this blog and write personal stuff, I am really a private person sort of. I have talked myself out of shutting this blog down (almost did that second week of this month). I'm complicated and I have different sides depending on my mood. The thing about us humans is we have this natural instinct to judge people forgetting our own sins and flaws. I'm paranoid and insecure. I hate the feeling like people are watching me. Sometimes I just start accepting request then maybe it gets to 40 contacts I start feeling suffocated, like my life is crowded.

One thing I learnt from my University days is people are a big problem in life with their numerous opinions about how well you should live your live. It's best you just have a few around you. The less persons around you, the less bullshit you have to deal with. Trust me on that.

Kike was chatting me up on some stuff last week and I told her something which I never really pondered on before. All the women I work with here are married!!! How's a niccur gonna be great when I spend all most all my time at the office? She laughed and said no wonder I haven't taken a million pictures with fine chicks since unlike when I was in Lagos. (she sure knows me well).

Last Saturday evening I was bored, started going through my old facebook messages and then came across all the messages my University ex and I shared right from when we first met, the time we were playing friends and puppy love shii...then when there was 'the war'. The first message I saw from the war era made me close my browser. Painful memories. So many things I should have handled better. Funny we actually worked it all out but I just had to walk away when I felt I was becoming a threat to what my friend had with her. Sometimes I wonder if they understand why I disappeared. Well, I never told them anything, still wouldn't.

Ending last week, I felt stiffled, like I needed an escape. I needed to go some place quiet, just stay still, leave everything behind and just let go. Stay there and take in the air, appreciating nature and just be free. Sunday I got the chance. But then I didn't wanna go alone so I hit up my paddy Emeka and we hung out at the Botanical garden in Uniben. Of course, yours truly couldn't do with out taking some pictures. It was nice and the weather was friendly. I just stayed there and really had some peaceful time out. We got there 12pm when I checked the time on my phone it ws some minutes to 4pm. Best thing was I felt alive and refreshed. Sometimes quiet company is good, sometimes human company is better.

It would be 2years now I have known my special friend - Makua. I can't remember the exact date but know it was about this period. I call him special because when I knew him I was having doubts about being called for my current job. I had long done the medical test and still hadn't heard from them. Normally after the medical tests they call you up immediately. Oh yes! After not hearing from them for over a week, I thought I had HIV and that's why they had disqualified me. Sha, Makua who barely knew me then was a great source of encouragement and they called!!! Friends are good, but good friends are awesome!

Even though Makua and I don't really share same outloook on most life issues we are blood and yup, the dude is currently abroad enjoying pizza, hot dogs, milk shakes and rolling with 'fresh people' as he calls them. I miss that dude for reals and love him so much.

It's election Saturday, I don't feel socially responsible. Actually I don't really belive anything good can come from the two major candidates so I just sat at home all day, read a book after writing this post and continued playing the really tight Fisfty Shades of Grey movie soundtrack album. Those songs used in the movie are great stuff.  Thinking of trying my hands on a fictional post, it's been a long while I last wrote a short story. Just hope I still got it in me.

Empire!!!! Finally watched it after hearing so much about it. I started watching it thursday evening and I kept on watching even till past midnight. I had to discipline myself to stop since the Federal government refused to declare public holiday against pre election day (absolute let down!). After work on Friday I couldn't wait to get home. Watched the remaining episodes till late in the night! Now I want more!!! My favourite characters are Cookie and of course Jamal!!! Gosh his voice is amazing and yea he does look good. Is it just me or does that Andre character look somehow like D'Prince (Don Jazzy's younger brother)? They have one kinda resemblance, facial structure wise and body built.

So because of the election today I have to stay indoors though I really don't feel like being in doors. I feel the urge to eat pasta, chicken wrap, kiwi flavored scoop ice cream mixed with strawberry scoop, and of course not forgetting the toppings. Then maybe add pizza by the side. But it's lockdown everywhere sadly.

Yup! I love eating junks. Before I ate a lot and didn't add weight but story has changed. After gaining weight ending last year, though I successfully shed them off late January this year. I have noticed my weight keeps fluctuating. This week I add weight, I get conscious of it, starve for a day and do more exercises to lose weight. Then the cycle repeats itself. The only part of my body I can't seem to control is my back side. The stuff's just getting bigger eh!! Even my colleagues have noticed (I feel violated when they tell me, I mean what the hell? Why they be staring at my ass?)

Majorly, I don't want the weight because it makes my face fatter and I don't like the chubby cheeks at all. I like my face slim with sharp sides and cheek bones, gives the eyes this sharp edge when you take a picture with your face tilted to the side. Don't wanna lose all that.

Got so worried about the weight ish, especially as my stomach started gathering fat. I bought a sit-up bench. Boy! Exercise isn't for lazy people at all. Sometime when I walk past the bench it's like I hear it calling my name, begging me to come utilize it and sometimes it's like the equipments is mocking me that I wasted the money I used in purchasing it. *sigh

I have a new task for myself. I have decided to be a better person (not going to start talking things out tho) I don't have the energy to deal. But generally i'll try to control those little things that gets my head spining especially when people keep me waiting without explanation. Gosh! That's just the fastets way to get me pissed. Before I'd just wait for you, when you finally decide to show up all you get is a sulking side of me. But it seems I have taken it a notch higher. On two occasions I actually drove off because I got tired of waiting. Though when my head came down I called to appologise. I feel if I don't watch it soon I won't be apologizing. 

But seriously, if you agree a time with someone, what's so difficult in keeping to time? Or what's so hard in beeping the person that you are running late? I feel it's disrespectful and a sign that you take the person for granted when you keep someone waiting without beeping to appologise or give a heads up on why you are running late. That shii drives me nut.

I am trying to make a mental review of every form of relationship/fling I have had or almost had then see where I screwed things up. Sincerely, I need to improve and become a better person 'cus I'd soon be taking that bold walk down the aisle (in a few years time tho). Its time I sort myself out once and for all ni. The most puzzling thing is its the little things other people ignore that makes me mad, I really don't know why.

They say people always leave but sometimes we help push them away, that I know I am very guilty of.

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid