SABOTAGE

“Hello darkness my old friend

 I’ve come to talk with you again...”

  -  Sound of Silence (Simon & Garfunke)

Now I get why my home church Pastor preaches against Separation as a technique for conflict resolution amongst couples. He'll say, don't give the devil a chance to come in.

I didn't want to make this known sooner. I've been dating since February. I've never really been lucky to pass two months mark the two times I had tried giving dating a chance.

So I thought, maybe this time around, I’ll keep it low and not let many people know. I’ll keep quiet, watch if it survives the test of time. (Or maybe because in my January post about resolutions for the year I said no relationships).

My relationship has successfully gone past the second month now, actually we are (or should I say were?) on to the fourth month. I’d like to believe the jinx has been broken. I was actually waiting for the sixth month mark before penning it down here but I'm beginning to question if we'll make it…

"Are we gonna even make it?

Cause if we are                            

We're taking this a little too far...”

  -  Mine (Beyonce ft Drake)

We had our first fight late February or so. Of course, being my paranoid self and unrepentant over thinker, I had a fit of serious doubts about everything.

Paschal asked how “the boo” was, I replied flatly - we broke up. His next question touched me. When someone calls my name before asking a question, it really enters my brain ni. He was like - "Sayi, hope you don't have commitment issues?"

It hit me after my conversation with Paschal that the reason I didn't want to tell people I was in a relationship or post it here is, I was scared it wasn't going to last and then people would conclude I have a serious issue in making a relationship work or last. 

The month of April was a crappy one. I guess every relationship goes through trying times, some make it, while others don’t.

Let me not bore y'all with the details of my life. (I can just picture Seyi screaming please tell it all, I want to know! little amebo).

I notice little things and I’m good at reading people. Initially I noticed some things but I knew they come off as unconscious actions so I let them slide. But then unconscious actions are actually who we really are deep down.

I know how I am when I'm really into someone, the efforts I make and the lengths I go to show I care. I recently read a post - 'Loving someone who doesn't really show affection.' It helped calm some of my worries.

But then after something happened during boo's birthday week, everything sort of became questionable. Plans being made in front of me and I wasn't even put in the program.  And then I thought, do I now need to also read a post on 'Loving someone who doesn't send you that much?’

I really don't know again, but I feel the person you are dating should always have priority, aside your family of course. But the person really should be in your subconscious... so the signs just keep showing and I’m remembering in the beginning when we used to joke with Justin Bieber's lyrics -

'Am I in love with you?

Or am I in love with the feeling?'

-       The feeling  (Justin Bieber ft Hasely)

Some people are not ready to put in the work, effort or compromise to make a relationship work. They just enjoy the title of I'm in a relationship.

I read something about my zodaic sign - Sagittarius. We tend to love deeply and show affection a lot and we judge others by our standards expecting same level of commitment.

“My weakness is that I care too much”

-       Scars (Papa Roach)

I had initially decided that to avoid any more relationship wahala, I would move at same pace. I won't do anything when my help wasn't expressly asked for and I also won't ask when next we’ll be hanging out.

Not because I'm angry, but so I don't feel like I’m the one putting in all the effort. Since my mind is screwed and knows how to play games with my head, I’ll just stop. These mind games, my mind won't win over me. 

By my zodiac sign, I'm skewed to judge others by my own level of commitment, it would henceforth be the less I put in, the less I expect. That was my new rule. To save my sanity, to save my relationship. I hoped it was gonna work. I wanted it to work so we'll be fine. Little did I know it was even going to show the cracks the more. It takes two to make it work, not only one person making effort.

 “I won’t cover my scars

I’ll let ‘em bleed

So my silence won’t be mistaken for peace

Am I wrong for wanting us to make it?”

-          It’s you (Zayn)

Not everyone can handle stability. Some people live on drama, sort of like it keeps things between them alive and active. Reminds me of my colleague and his girlfriend. I call them Mr. & Mrs. Smith. There's no outing they don't quarrel. Initially I didn't think they would last but I have since realized it’s their way.

Today they would fight, tomorrow you'll see them all loved up. It's what works for them. But for me, I love sanity, stability and peace. I don't have power for frequent fights or drama of any sorts. The doctor says it's not good for my heart.

"Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting

Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?

…

And time is taking its sweet time erasing you”

  -  Sad beautiful tragic (Taylor Swift)

One Friday I jokingly asked for something which from the onset I knew I wouldn't get. That feeling when you know you won't get something but you still ask to tease, but then the other person takes it as an opportunity to be a total bitch. That shit can pain! #painment.

"You'll be a bitch because you can.

You try to hit me just to hurt me

So you leave me feeling dirty

Because you can't understand."

-  Slow Dancing In a Burning Room (John Mayer)

I wasn't having any of it. I made known it was uncalled for, got a long text as reply, we went back and forth with texts. We did the silence treatment ish. We were there ignoring each other changing dps and pms. No one wanted to break first. (oh please before you bring in the maturity crap, no one is matured! Yes I said it, bite me.)

But I did. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t want to be the guy Valentine accused me of being back then in University days when I had issues with mood swings. He’ll say that I was not dependable since I could just switch moods all of a sudden. That if someone panned to do stuff with me, it means if my mood suddenly flips the person would be left hanging.

I had promised to help with movement to a new apartment the week before our little fracas so I had to break the silence and ask if bae was still going to move.

See, aside the unconscious pressure to get the relationship to work, just to prove to myself that I don’t have commitment issues, I was being affected by things my friends and colleagues were saying about me as per relationship ish.

I know I’m not a perfect person, scratch that, I’m a host of imperfection. But I realized what I was dealing with, was beyond my flaws. This wasn’t on me.

One of the worst feelings I think, is to not feel wanted or feel like you are a priority in your relationship. I tried to ignore that was my reality, tried to convince myself that wasn’t it but as the days went by and things kept happening I knew I couldn’t keep fooling myself.

What’s that they say? Actions speak louder than words right? You can’t keep saying I love you but yet your actions are saying another thing.

“You say you love me

But they feel like words to me

Well this just ain’t working

Stop thinking…

Can’t you see you’re fading?”

-          Fading (Rihanna)

One other thing friends were saying was that I like drama. Apparently if someone does something wrong and you try to express your thoughts its drama. Yet, if I decide to keep quiet and just deal, let it pass, they would say I’m keeping malice.

Several times I wanted to bring it up but I felt it would look like I’m causing drama. What people were saying began to actually affect me without my knowing and making me swallow things I shouldn’t and allowing my mind get worked up. I saw this on twitter –

“You either say how you feel and fuck it up or say nothing and let it fuck you up instead.”

So that’s how I kept swallowing things so I don’t look like a crazy person who likes drama. Something happened recently and I just couldn’t anymore. I needed to let it out

“There's something that I feel I need to say

But up till' now I've always been afraid

that you would never come around
And still I wanna put this out

You say you've got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me
And still, you're in my heart

And yes, there are times when I hate you

But I don't complain
'Cause I've been afraid that you would walk away”

-          Broken Hearted Girl (Beyonce)

I wrote it in a message and pleaded that it just be read and not responded to as I didn’t have the energy for back and forth texts. That’s how another silent treatment started which has gone on for days. Sort of like we are separated.

“Nothing but a tear, that’s all for breakfast

Watching you pretend you’re unaffected

You’re pulling our connections”

-           Close to you (Rihanna)

This time, I don’t even care…let the silence rage on, maybe in it we’ll drift apart, I really don’t care. The silence has turned to separation and maybe the devil in the form of Becky with the good hair or Edible catering shall come in. I sincerely don't even give a damn. Goes to show I’m not really a priority.

I mean, you did wrong, I called you out and then you go mute even till the next day and the next. Fine, I said don't reply the message, just read and digest doesn't mean you should go awol. The excuse I’ll get will be, I thought you were still angry with me bla bla bla...

“I’ll take every single piece of the blame if you want me to

But you know that there is no innocent one in this game for two

I’ll go, I’ll go and then you go, you go out

-          Sorry (Justin Bieber)

In the silence I stumbled on a blog post about not being given priority in a relationship. Things that stuck are:

•  Your partner shouldn’t be blowing you off on a regular basis. If someone really sees you as a priority they will put in the effort to make the time for you. Not because they have to but because they genuinely want to.        
•  However, it’s important to know whether your partner is treating you like an option– you shouldn’t waste your time prioritizing somebody who doesn’t do the same for you.
•  Do they make an effort to spend time with you or talk to you, even when it might not be convenient for them?
•  There is nothing worse than feeling unappreciated by someone you deeply care for. You shouldn’t have to beg to be cherished, or prove that you’re worthy, or special, or anything.  You should always be able to be yourself and feel wanted and appreciated. As Mindy Kaling once said, “in my mind, the sexiest thing in the world is the feeling that you’re wanted.” If you aren’t feeling wanted by your own partner, it’s time to say goodbye because that shit ain’t worth it, honey.
• If you are feeling empty, confused and often times very alone in your relationship, it’s time to take a deeper look at what you want your relationship to look like. He or she is taking up emotional real estate when someone else could be a better fit. What if you miss out on another wonderful relationship because you’re stuck fighting for someone who doesn’t want to fight for you?

I'm probably sabotaging what I’ve got myself, giving Asiwa validation. He really did say we are alike. That we self-sabotage our relationships. *sigh

“See it through, there is no easy way, if it’s right, why do I feel this way?

Tick tock, time just slips away

I’ll go my own way”

-          I go away (MNDR)

Well, I know I could be a lot smarter and handle this better but before you judge me, wait till you fall in love and all your sense of rational thinking flies out the window.

"Save your advice 'cause I won't hear

You might be right but I don't care" –

-          The heart wants what it wants (Selena Gomez)

It’s better to be single than be in a relationship and stay unhappy. I won't invest myself in a relationship where i'm not a priority, neither would I cajole anyone into having to act right.

Relationships should be enjoyed and not endured, No?

I've walked away. I don't feel hurt or heartbroken. In a weird way I feel relived, like a weight off of my shoulder. I'm sha watching myself...maybe with time i'll feel it, get lonely, feel sad or I just might not. Dunno.

If your love is stronger than your pride, if you want this for real, come find me. Show you deeply want me and I matter.

Just don’t be too late.

These few days apart, seems I have come to realize I’m better off alone.

“But now I know

I’m better sleeping on my own”

-          Love yourself (Justin Bieber)

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

JUST DO IT

Let’s face facts - we are human and our humanity gets in the way all the time, usually not in a good way.

The world celebrates success and despite telling us to embrace our weakness, failures are never celebrated – at least not until they’ve succeeded at something do we get to hear how they failed!

We love the strong, we love the beautiful, we love the rich. And it’s that love so freely shared that makes us hunger for strength, beauty and wealth. We are more attracted to applause than genuine achievements.

If not, why do we dream of becoming CEOs and yet are reluctant to take the risk to venture into business?

If not, why do we expect to have well raised children when we are absent from their developmental lives?

If not, why do couples hold hands outside and immediately disengage behind closed doors?

If not, why do we borrow just so we can keep up with the ridiculous faceless joneses?

And the list goes on and on….

Just because no one remembers or applauds the one who painstakingly lays one block after another after another after another…

We all want to be

Not do

We’ve forgotten the deeply personal irreplaceable satisfaction that comes from looking at good ole sweat turned gold. It’s called personal satisfaction, pride in what we do. It breeds self-esteem and genuine confidence.

It’s time to get real…

To remember how it feels to work at something, to get things done, to sweat, to be involved, to contribute to someone, something, anything. Like the men who helped Moses build the first tabernacle. These men hardly get mentioned; in fact the tabernacle till today is called Moses’ Tabernacle but he had such overwhelming support from different people – people who actually executed the vision. Who knows Bezalal? Who knows Aholiab? How about the several others whose names were not even mentioned? They still did! They too could say ‘we did it’.

It is not too late to rediscover your get up and go. It’s your passion! It isn’t too late to count for something. So how do we revive our passion?

Simple

Go first of all to the ant. Consider her ways and be wise.

See what I learnt from the ant:

1.    They have the ability to exploit resources and adapt easily to changes in their environment

2.    They communicate properly and learn interactively

3.    They have the ability to solve complex problems

4.    They are orderly and are active all year long

Ants easily deal with changes in their environment. For instance, when an established path to a food source is blocked by an obstacle, the foragers leave the path to explore new routes. If an ant is successful, it leaves a new trail marking the shortest route on its return. Successful trails are followed by more ants, reinforcing better routes and gradually identifying the best path.

Ants may be the only group apart from mammals where interactive teaching has been observed. A knowledgeable forager will lead a naive nest-mate to newly discovered food by the process of tandem running. The follower obtains knowledge through its leading tutor. The leader is acutely sensitive to the progress of the follower and slows down when the follower lags and speeds up when the follower gets too close.

Humans, learn from the ants, the bible says and be wise.

Achievement does not come by size or strength (or any of the other limitations we deceive ourselves with daily).

Follow my own ant trail…

Achievement comes from discovering a sense of purpose

Purpose is fuelled by passion

Passion helps us focus

Focus is what breeds determination

And determination and discipline go together

And discipline is the currency we need to Just Do It!

Get Up & Go!

Enjoy,

ID

idogufere@gmail.com

08098102216 / @idogufere

SOMETHING ABOUT THE OCEAN….

“When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea, and the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds, cleanses me with its noise, and imposes a rhythm upon everything in me that is bewildered and confused” – Rainer Maria Rilke

The ocean is my safe haven.

There’s this peaceful feeling I get whenever I am walking on the beach sand, feeling my feet sink in the sand while listening to the roar of the ocean waves.

The ocean has a way of keeping me sane and safe. I forget my worries, forget the world and just lose myself in the moment watching the mass of water dance. I’m so obsessed with the water. I feel so peaceful and at home by the ocean.

“There’s something about the ocean that makes everything better or at least makes life just a bit more clear’ - Unknown

I was going to say if I lived in a State where there is an ocean, I’d visit it daily. But then I remembered I once lived in Lagos State where there’s enough ocean around but I barely visited. Even when the then bar beach (before Eko Atlantic project came up) was right behind my house, the best I did was enjoy the view of the ocean from my room window.  I can’t tell exactly why I didn’t go often, probably because I felt it would always be around. When we have something readily around we tend not to value it. (Same thing I’m doing with the two large mango trees in my compound).

“The ocean makes me feel really small and it makes me put my whole life into perspective…it humbles you and makes you feel almost like you’ve been baptized. I feel born again when I get out of the ocean” – Beyonce Knowles.

We have this ideal picture of how we want our lives to be or we once had it when we were much younger. But adulthood is so much different. Things don’t really work out the way we plan, or do they? When I’m at the ocean, I get perspective, I’m in a different realm. So much clarity, I get to live the live I envisage for myself (even if it’s all in my head).

  

“Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.” – Sarah Kay

Left to me, I’d love to live by the ocean. Have the sea sing me a lullaby every night. A simple house by the ocean where I can take long walks, have peaceful time with myself and allow my thoughts wander.

“The waves of the sea help me get back to me” – Jill Davis

Nigerians love noise. They always try to spoil my beach experience with loud party music. I hate crowd and I get very shy when I get in the midst of strangers. Once I get to the beach, I stroll to the side that's not crowded, look for a spot and stay on my own or with whomever I am with.

Maybe next time I’ll take my ear piece so I can play the right kind of slow melancholic music that should be played when on a beach. I can imagine the perfect feeling listening to Oceans by Coldplay while sitting on a rock watching the ocean.

A beach should be a place of peace, solitude and tranquility. Melancholic music suits that kind of environment best and not noisy shitty music with cheaply written lyrics.

The ocean has a calming effect on me, then add that to the calm effect the songs have on me too. Perfect bliss. Once I set my eyes on the ocean, it’s like everything melts away.

“On the beach you can live in bliss” - Dennis Wilson

Writing this, imagining it, has brought a smile across my lips. I can already feel the peace. The ocean side is somewhere I get to really stay free of all my troubles and cares.

‘I get lost in the beauty of everything I see

The world ain’t half as bad as they make it to be…’ – Come Home by One Republic

There was a time I stayed a bit late into the evening on the beach. The sea breeze was everything. I just sat there taking in the air, allowing the water wash over my feet. It was a healing process. Something that beats me though is; why would someone go to a beach and not enter the water? I see people keeping their distance like they are afraid of the water. 

That’s like going to a cinema and then sleeping all through while the movie is on.

In my opinion, the best part of the whole beach experience is the water. The way the waves carry you, when the water touches your skin sending a cold chill down your body. It can be quite scary though. There’s this trick I discovered. When the waves washes over you, stay still as the water goes back to the sea. It’s when you try to run it carries you along easily. 

Well, the last time it almost didn’t work for me. I remember I was lying down on the sand when the waves came, I stayed put trying to dig my hands in the sand for support, but the current was too strong. I felt myself moving with the water. I started screaming ‘the water is carrying me’. My silly friend just stayed there snapping pictures. *sigh

Anyway I’m the one who wrote this so I’m still alive J

At that point though, I thought this is it. Death is here and I’m done.

I still don’t get why people who want to off themselves have to go through pain first. Like setting themselves on fire, or hanging themselves or going in front of a bus. The ocean is a perfect place to end it. Plug in your ear piece, listen to Midnight by Coldplay, down three bottles of liquor mixed with several sleeping pills by the sea, get high and sleep off as the breeze blows over your skin gently, nudging you to sleep as the pills kick in. The waves comes and washes your body into oblivion…

“If I die young

Bury me in satin

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me in a river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song…’ – If I die young by The Band Perry

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea.” - Isak Dinesen.

I know lots of readers would cringe after reading the part about suicide. Nigerians though *sigh. Religion has done us a very bad one on us. Totally closed our minds and deformed our thinking.  Most times I feel like I don’t belong here, like I don’t fit in. I don’t know how I got so liberal or open minded. I remember my university classmate who had her wedding ceremony on the beach. Linda Ikeji carried it on her gossip/news blog and then the internet trolls came with heir superstitious comments that she made a wrong choice as she has opened the door, inviting marine spirits to her marriage. SMH!

Skinny dipping is something I’ll do someday but definitely not in this country. We are way too backwards to understand that nudity is art. Our over religiousness, hypocrisy and closed minds are just too much barrier for us to appreciate the simple things of life.

Sometimes I get lost in thought at sea. I just sit there not wanting the moment to end, like I could just stay there frozen in time or best relocate. Live a quiet, easy life by the ocean. Just me, music, laughter and my significant other by the sea.

Quit your job, buy a ticket, and get a tan, fall in love…never return

FROM MARKETING CALL TO BEHIND POLICE COUNTER (A TRUE LIFE STORY)

Let me tell you a story.

One Friday evening of last month, I was rounding up my things, getting ready for a quiet weekend when a call came in. It was Osarieme calling, the Business Manager of Value chain in Benin City (the team that sits on the same floor with my team.)

The conversation went like this;

Osarieme: Hello, Iyosayi is Paschal in the office? (Paschal is my direct boss)

Me: No, he has gone home o.

Osarieme: What of Eze? (Eze works under her)

Me: Hold on, while I check his office to ascertain if he is in.

Few minutes later I replied her.

Me: He is not in the office.

Osarieme: Okay. Please I need you to help get Emmanuel to release one of the Mobile Policemen (Mopol) attached to his unit. (Emmanuel is the head of Bullion services)

This time my curiosity got picked.

Me: Okay. What’s happening?

Osarieme: We have been arrested o. We went to market some *** Ltd distributors but the man thought we were fraudsters….

Huh? Huh???? By now my jaw had already hit the floor. Biko who goes marketing and gets arrested eh???

I hurriedly rounded up the call so I could get help for her. My ‘office bestie’ – Nuel was also arrested along with her. Honestly sha, I just needed to get to the police station so I could laugh at him. (I mean, that’s what bffs do, right? Laugh and tease each other)

I dropped the phone on my table. For a split second, I didn’t know who to call or what to do. I saw Eme photocopying stuff at the machine (Eme is my team member). I broke the news to her.

“Osarieme and Nuel have been arrested o. They went marketing but the customer thought they were fraudsters”

Eme gave me that “what is this one saying?” look, abi is something  wrong with him?

She asked what I just said. I repeated it. She stood looking at me. Obviously she was still processing what I had told her.

I left her to call my direct boss, Paschal. I began explaining it to him but in middle of the conversation it dawned on me that they were actually arrested because they went to market, hian!

The laughter that busted out of me was so strong, I fell on the office floor laughing. My phone fell down and the phone call went off. I couldn’t contain myself.

Eme came to me, she too started laughing and kept asking, “Who goes marketing and ends up in the police station?”

Instead of us to look for help we stayed there laughing. I managed to get back on my feet. Paschal was calling back. I tried to stop laughing but I couldn’t help it so I gave Eme the phone to talk to him.

I did my best to calm myself. I called the Bullion service head afterwards to inform him that we needed his Mopol officers because Osarieme....I busted out in laughter again. I managed to finish the statement that they had been arrested. He too started laughing, in between his asking how come?

After all the laughter he said his Mopol guys were out.

I took the still laughing Eme downstairs to meet the operations head, Tony. I was still laughing, tears gathering in my eyes, my jaws hurting. I told her she was the one going to talk since I couldn’t comport myself.

We met Tony at his desk. Eme started narrating the story, the pregnant lady in front of Tony’s table started laughing. Tony joined in the laughter. People came to meet us asking why we were laughing, as they heard the story they joined in the laughter.

Tony gave us one of the branch policemen. To the police station we headed. Even the driver couldn’t help but laugh. Common now, fraudsters? Didn’t they carry their identity cards? For crying out loud who goes marketing and ends up being arrested?

The moment we got to the station, I sighted Nuel. Our eyes met and we both communicated via our eyes. He knew I was laughing at him and I knew he knew I was laughing and I also know he was calling me a witch.

Anyway, the whole crux of the matter was, Osarieme and Neul were given a list of *** distributors in Benin City to market. Unknown to them, two days earlier, someone at our head office had sent them an sms of *** Ltd’s account number to all *** Ltd distributors with the bank but it was a wrong account number. *** Ltd on their part sent a counter sms to their distributors dissociating themselves from the wrong account number. The person at the head office in turn sent an apology sms afterwards with the correct account number.

During all these developments, no one thought it wise to relay any of it to the team in Benin they had asked to market the distributors. Osarieme and Nuel approached of one the distributors and started their usual marketing opening speech of concessions et al they would grant him if he opens an account and bla bla. After their speech, the man asked if they were the ones that sent the front sms from the bank, they said they were the ones. (Na here dem enter ozeba, why admit to something you didn’t know about just 'cus they said its from the bank?)

The man then told them to hold on, he called the MD of *** that the people that sent the initial sms were at his shop. The MD asked if he was sure, he said he was. The MD said he shouldn’t let them go, he should get a photographer to snap them, he should also photocopy their ID cards and send to the bank to verify their identity and they should be apprehended in the meantime.

That’s how my dear colleagues ended up at the station. Of course this is an abridged version of the events. I don’t want to make it long, in summary the distributor was just an annoying man who wanted to be a hero who had caught fradusters. Even when the rest of us with a police man arrived, his sense of reasoning should have told him there was actually no issue and they were not thieves. But he was bent on pushing the case, from the DPO to the Inspector to the highest ranking police officer in that station. It was all so foolish really.

At the end the case was dismissed. Time to go back to the office, Osarieme and Nuel said they didn’t have a car. They had sent their driver back to the office when the wahala started at the man’s shops. What the hell? I asked if they were actually planning on spending the night at the police station 'cus I really didn’t get the idea behind dispersing their driver.

The gist went round the bank like wild fire. Myself, I helped to spread the gist ni. It was just damn too funny, hot and fresh to nor spread. Nuel’s Group head called from Lagos to apologize for the bad experience, Osarieme started ranting she wasn’t going to market  the distributors again o …lolz

The next week I kept calling Nuel ex–convict. Dude took it graciously, making different jokes about the embarrassing experience. I was like, why didn’t the guy snap them self, and send to Linda Ikeji. His sisters would have had a heart attack when they see their brother's picture on the blog ni! Eme kept wondering aloud how it was that they even followed the man to the police station. So many things we really didn't get. Nuel was like, they didn’t want to cause a scene before those around would have pounced on them and started jungle justice, so they had to act cool and just follow him to the station.

So if the photographer had come, they really would have posed to be snapped abi? *sigh

Well, in this kind of situation it’s easy for us that are not involved to see the ridiculousness of it all. But like they say - who nor go, no go know…

By the way, I bet when you saw the title of this post, you thought I was the one who got arrested. Sorry to, nope, I’m actually happy to burst your bubble: D

Well, I wrote a story, posted it on my blog. You came to read it, so you tell me...

THE MARRIAGE ISSUE

My colleagues are all married. They have one common mission- to get me to walk down the aisle soonest!

One good day, I sat in front of my second line supervisor. I was expecting us to go straight to discussing the document I needed him to approve but I got asked a question I wasn't expecting. 'Bros, when are you getting married?'

I didn't see that question coming. I just looked at him, totally blank. At the end, I did get about thirty minutes of marriage lecture before we discussed business. Truth is, the whole plans for marriage is not in my head at all (for now though).  I won't make the mistake of saying I am trying to figure out things or I am sorting my issues before Idemudia would comment and say ever since he knew me I have been sorting my issues out, lol.

“If I get married, I want to be very married” – Audrey Hepburn

I remember when I was still in training school (2013), one of the facilitators then told us to think about where we would be in five years. Honestly it was after I had finished making the plans it hit me that I didn't even consider marriage.

Really how does one know the right time to get married? Is it because they have attained a certain age? 'Cus they fall in love? Meet the right one and know it's time or follow society's timetable that when you are done with university and NYSC, gotten a good job, you ought to get married?

Now getting a good job isn't even important o! I have heard more than two people say once you are of age just get married even if you are earning 20k. Just marry and start...hian!

Afe once updated this on bbm 'after salvation, marriage is the most important thing'...when I read it, something in me got so ticked off! I mean what the heck?? Is marriage really all that important? That's the idea society has put in people's head especially the female folks that marriage is the height of their accomplishment/success.

I had to ping him immediately. He tried to argue but I just wasn't taking any of it. Save to say I cut what would have been an endless argument with the perfect punchline...I asked him if he can name any world leader or well know achiever who has been famed or has impacted the world positively because they had a successful marriage. He went quiet and was like nice one. That ended it all.

Marriage is good yes, I mean no one wants to be alone and in the words of O'nelly, the curiosity of knowing what your kids would look like is one reason to get married and have kids. But for me sha, if marriage doesn't happen, okay, but I'd be more bummed if I don't have kids.

That's how I was talking with my colleague recently. He was telling the new guy that I'd be getting married this year. I laughed and said marriage isn't even in my five year plan but kids are. The new guy was shocked but my colleague (he knows me well enough now) laughed and said he wasn't surprised, that my thinking is always upside down.

I used to read about single people saying how their married friends always want to match make their single friends up. Well that's what I am enduring in the office. All my married colleagues are all looking for a wife for me! Na wa! I remember when I got transferred to Benin, the first thing I noticed was almost all the staff here are married. So different from Lagos where almost everyone is career focused and the married ones are in the minority.

Truth is, I have so much to achieve before marriage. I don't even feel any urgency or pressure that I am getting old though my supervisor did give me good reasons why getting married early is good. Especially the one about not ending up going for school run when I am 60yrs old Instead of having grandkids at that age. That point got to me.

But this marriage thingy tho! So complicated. Like what if I get tired of the person? Cus me I know I have some kinda serious issues. Pushing people away for one comes naturally.

I won't pretend I am a robot or anything of sorts, I do crave companionship, having that one special person I can share my day's experiences with but marriage? That's another level on its own. I want that seemingly almost perfect relationship and true love and great companionship. I need it this time of my life, but not marriage for now.

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” - When Harry Met Sally

People who have been married for a long time, after many years, I wonder if they are still in love or just existing in the marriage because that's the moral thing to do. They live without that excitement; all they do is just wake up, eat, cater to kids and issues that come up, sleep, wake next day and continue the routine. No excitement, no adventure, all dull and boring.

“Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative” – Unknown

Don't get me wrong, I like all the mushy feelings at times. Key words - 'at times'. After getting married, would I be allowed to take a break when all I want is to be alone? Be on my own doing my own thing and barely saying a word to anyone? Enjoying my quiet company

When I am in the “I don't want to feel a thing mood?” When the whole two hearts is one ish feels absurd to me? What then happens to my wife?

Maybe I don't get people, maybe I am odd/weird (I know I am weird, that’s a fact) but in a cool way. People love me but well, I just don't know how to stay long with someone. Then marriage? Compromising on many things et all, learning patience all over…grrrrhhh…

One thing I am sure of is that I want kids. Those little feet, tiny hands and cute white eyes. Holding then so close, feeling the love and all...I want all that and hearing those tiny voices call me daddy.

Maybe I should pay for a surrogate to carry my kids. ‘Cus this whole marriage thingy don't seem I am cut of for it.

Recently I got furniture moved into my apartment. When the guys were done with the arrangement my Mum said – ‘now everything is set, remaining for you to marry’. I just did as if I didn't hear a word she said and slipped out of the room in peace :D

My dad hasn't really said anything serious about it. But it's my mum that has mentioned it several times. The place I get most heat from is the office. Those people nor go let person hear word. Like marriage is the ultimate achievement in life *sigh

What if you are not the marriage type? Do you have to conform?

They really should cut me some slack. They have lived their lives the way they chose to, can I be allowed to make my own decisions and live life just as I see it fit? Marriage isn't something you cajole or rush someone into. Everything must be set and my heart should feel 100% into the idea. No rush, 'cus once in, I don't plan on getting out.

“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are” – Will Ferrell.

Well, I would probably read this post in a few years and be amazed how my school of thought/or desire has changed. I mean, when I was in secondary school I did say I would get married at 24/25 years. Right now, the way it is going, seems the marriage thingy is gonna be Vision 2020 things.

There are people who know how to handle it all at once, school, relationships, career and all that life ish. I have always been the guy to take it one at a time. I’m done with School, NYSC, working now though still trying to set a firm path as per where my career is heading and that’s top most priority for me. After getting that set, next I believe is starting a family. For me it’s one step at a time, not necessarily because I am waiting for the right time or right person.

After all, “the secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henry Youngman

Marriage nor be beans

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid??