GETTING BACK TO ME

DISCLAIMER: I tried to make this post short, but the words just kept pouring out. I eventually broke it down into two parts. But then, it was still lengthy. I tried, I swear I tried to shorten it/further break it into parts but sometimes, things just fit perfectly well that if a piece is taken out, it loses its steam, so please bear with me.

It' been about a month or less after the break up (or me walking away). I don't feel hurt. Probably felt pissed once or twice about my wasted effort and time but nothing major - no hurt, heartbreak or that sort of shii.

When a major change happens in life, like in my case - losing someone that was a major part of my day and thoughts, one has to adjust and find a way to live with the change. Routines definitely would have to change. How I spent my Sunday afternoons became a major concern.  It took me a while to shake off the odd feeling of spending Sundays alone again.

Mostly, I’ll say I have been having withdrawal symptoms. I deactivated my instagram and facebook accounts. Chatting became a bore and conversations were forced online. I just had to respond to some people to be polite. I guess they may have felt my disconnect while chatting with them. At work I've cut down on people I flow with.

No, I’m not sad or anything. I feel like shutting people out and have some quality me time, be on my own for a while. Process things on my own terms in a healthy way instead of taking the easiest route of a rebound or random flings inorder to ignore the emptiness ‘freedom’ that comes with a break up.

For a while, Saturdays were the hardest. Being an indoor person, I like spending my Saturdays at home reading a novel, listening to music or watching movies/series on my laptop. But just being home became so painful and depressing. Worst part was my close friends who get me are far away in other states. I’ve just been unlucky to make really cool friends in Benin. (Yea, I know, ‘cus I lock myself indoors).

I needed physical company to help me deal with my withdrawal symptoms, cyber space conversations wasn’t going to help. So I had to force myself to hang out at the movies with a friend, though we really don’t share a lot in common or have similar school of thought but it was quite helpful especially as he took me to Uniben. He introduced me to his really cool friend. She made for good conversation and it felt really good, being out there having a decent conversation again with someone new.

At a point we alienated my friend from the conversation when we started talking about music. He got tired of us, but common, its music and that’s my passion! She spoke about a new kind of music that’s the ish now - EDM (electronic dance music). I have tried listening to such songs but it just doesn’t appeal to me. I like real music, live bands, and acoustic covers. I want to hear the clear strings, the instruments contrasting against deep lyrics that have meaning, not some electronic formulated up-tempo beats. I can’t relate to EDM.

I felt alive when I got home and chatted her up on whatsapp hoping to continue our conversation and forge a new friendship. But she wasn’t online at the time. The euphoria gradually wore out and I slowly started withdrawing. I’m that kinda lazy guy who needs encouraging. I need to be dragged out of my dark corner. I may really like you and be into you but sometimes I get so lazy that I need you to drag me out but once I’m comfortable with you and we are on, I’m going to be so all over you. I wish she’ll figure me out and drag me out but I fear she isn’t the type to do so. She seems more like the ‘a guy ought to chase after me type’ (I sincerely hope I’m wrong).

Last weekend after training at work, I decided to chill with two of my colleagues, actually we went to see the new X-men movie. It was refreshing hanging with them, one of them I already knew, and the other I was meeting for the first time. It helped again, not being alone with myself but having random conversation and actually enjoying the conversations even though it was mostly surface stuff and not deep ish I do normally have with my close friends. But the physical company helped, well I knew I would probably not be hanging out with the new colleague in a long time to come but I enjoyed the ease it brought that moment.

Random conversations, living the moment and moving on from it waiting for the next, hoping the withdrawal phase passes.

I have been having a strong desire to shave my hair for a while now, but I can’t because the Oba died. It’s tradition for males in my city to shave their heads in honour of the dead Oba. If I do it now, I won’t hear the last of it at work. I choose my peace of mind.

I keep telling myself this withdrawal ish has nothing to do with my break up but I know it’s in a way an off shoot of it. I’m adjusting and trying to get back to who I was before I got involved. Though I’m still left wondering how is it that I don't feel hurt? Or heartbroken? I'm beginning to question if I was truly in love. I know I cared deeply and to a large extent felt I was in love. I remember several times when we were still together, I’d try to imagine how it would be if we broke up. To be honest I never saw myself feeling pained or broken.

Maybe I wasn't deep into it as I thought but I know I wanted us to work and I really loved what we had. My feelings obviously weren't that deep yet, probably because of my doubts, I subconsciously didn't allow myself get too involved. I mean, it's almost automatic, your response to someone who doesn't make you a priority.

Aside that, I remember when we first met last year August and had a brief fling. Then I know I felt that crazy freaky feeling but this February when we decided to date, that initial feeling was gone. Probably that's why we were stable initially. It was smooth, easy, no long chats, flaming hormones going wild et al. We had passed that initially phase of the rush of emotions you feel when you meet someone new that you are really attracted to. By then we knew each other to an extent with the full knowledge of each other's shortcomings. Our fling last year revealed a lot about our individual personalities. My short temper was revealed along with my penchant for asking direct questions.

I went in hoping things would be better since we knew what ruined us in August, that this time around we would be able to sort those things out and it would all work out fine. Mostly I hoped the seemingly uninterested attitude would die. That’s mostly what put me off last year. Someone would like you but still be dragging fit doing like they are forcing them. That stopped when we started dating, but apparently metamorphosed into something worse.

After the break up post, of course my friends chatted me up to know what's up and if we had worked it out...Mazino was like I should have waited and talked and had several conversations on it. That people change and all.

The sad truth is people rarely change. If they change it’s because they grew or they actually decided on their own to change or they got bored and needed something different or nature just took its course. No one can really fix anyone. We fix ourselves or life fixes us.

The thing about being the one trying to fix others and make things work is you'll get burned out. I have been there before, the one always trying to fix things. You will talk today, they would listen and change for a week. Next week they are back to their old self, you get hurt and then have the conversation again and they change for a week, then relapse. It’s an unending torturous cycle.

Truth is, if you want to be a fixer be ready to walk in cycles and bear the pain that comes with it. Eventually you'll realize they would never change, by then you have been hurt so much, bruised over and disappointed a thousand times.

Then you decide you are done and can take it no more, so you walk away. Your absence hits them and then they realize their wrong, but you are far too gone and can't let them back in. So they go and meet someone else and it works out fine with the new person because life has taught them through losing you that they really need to change.

Your walking away has made them better persons and all your talks still rings in their head and they actually become better persons but they are with another person. So all your pain, and all the bullshit you had to endure were all to make them better persons for another person. Meanwhile you are still single (or not, but most times they move on faster than you, after all you are the one who’s energy got drenched), wondering how come that person who put you through so much is doing ok in their new relationship.

Or you could take the lazy way out. You stop trying to change them and just endure their bullshit and wallow in the pain and unhappiness because you chose to stay. Or you decide to live in denial and make excuses for them. Biko who are you fooling?

In my opinion, you can't fix anyone. It takes the grace of God for people to actually decide to change, but one thing is for sure, they would have to be the ones to consciously decide to change and fix themselves. You can't fix anyone, don't kid yourself. God is God and you are not him.

No one is perfect, know what you can tolerate and live with. If you can't deal, please walk away for your own sanity. Don't drain your energy trying to fix another human. It's not worth it. But if you are already married then that's another story entirely...This advice is strictly for the unmarried. That's why we shouldn't rush into marriage. People say you can never know someone completely, that even when you get married you'll see character you never saw while dating. Well, I’m not married so I wouldn't know. But I do know we always see the signs in the beginning but we ignore it, hoping for the best.

Do I feel lonely? Yes I do but not because my heart yearns for love. I just want good company. Someone with same taste in music, cool headed, someone that writes and reads too and has access to series and good movies also. I mostly need someone that'll challenge me to write more and achieve things I have in mind. And mostly, someone who is present. I don't have energy for cyber space kinda thing. Lately, chatting has become a major bore to me. Like it saps my energy and my fingers have become so lazy.

Two things:

1. I need to delete a lot of pictures from my phone and laptop.

2. I need to sort out my music playlist on my phone once and for all (when I look at the scattered playlist, I feel clumsy like my life is in disarray).

I wish I had a good laptop with sound battery and a very good ear piece. I'll drive to an eatery, order junks and get it all done. My laptop battery is nothing to write home about and the laptop adaptor has magically refused to work on any other socket aside the one in my room. How that's possible, I really can't explain. I took it to the office it didn’t work, took it to another branch, same thing. After suffering the burden of travelling with it to Lagos, it didn't work. Yet it works and is even still working plugged to the socket in my room. *sigh

Talking of my room, I was toying with the idea of getting a place of my own in town. I almost did but then, the laziness of moving as well as the fact I’m really comfortable in my Dad's compound. The free house, no rent to pay, no going to the market to get food stuff, no paying of light bills, plus I recently did some furnishing in my apartment. I stay in the two bed room flat behind. Got everything I need and rarely get visitors. Just me, my peace and quiet. So why move? Then again I’m still not sure about certain things career wise neither am I rather to walk down the aisle in the nearest future.

It’s almost three years now that I’ve been working and I still feel clueless about my career path. It bothers me at times, but mostly I just shake-off the thought. I'm working on a few things which are beyond my control, why kill myself with over thinking?

I'll just chill till they materialize then I'll make a decision. I’m thankful I have something going on even though I’m not so sure I really want to continue in this career path. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. Sometimes it's fun and really exciting other times it can be really killing and stressful, sometimes I just feel bored, then a new transaction comes and I feel alive, excited again bla bla bla…

But basically, I still don't feel like I’m all set, like I’m on a well-defined path, you get? Sort of as if my life hasn't started. But this is life, no rush ba?

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

SABOTAGE

“Hello darkness my old friend

 I’ve come to talk with you again...”

  -  Sound of Silence (Simon & Garfunke)

Now I get why my home church Pastor preaches against Separation as a technique for conflict resolution amongst couples. He'll say, don't give the devil a chance to come in.

I didn't want to make this known sooner. I've been dating since February. I've never really been lucky to pass two months mark the two times I had tried giving dating a chance.

So I thought, maybe this time around, I’ll keep it low and not let many people know. I’ll keep quiet, watch if it survives the test of time. (Or maybe because in my January post about resolutions for the year I said no relationships).

My relationship has successfully gone past the second month now, actually we are (or should I say were?) on to the fourth month. I’d like to believe the jinx has been broken. I was actually waiting for the sixth month mark before penning it down here but I'm beginning to question if we'll make it…

"Are we gonna even make it?

Cause if we are                            

We're taking this a little too far...”

  -  Mine (Beyonce ft Drake)

We had our first fight late February or so. Of course, being my paranoid self and unrepentant over thinker, I had a fit of serious doubts about everything.

Paschal asked how “the boo” was, I replied flatly - we broke up. His next question touched me. When someone calls my name before asking a question, it really enters my brain ni. He was like - "Sayi, hope you don't have commitment issues?"

It hit me after my conversation with Paschal that the reason I didn't want to tell people I was in a relationship or post it here is, I was scared it wasn't going to last and then people would conclude I have a serious issue in making a relationship work or last. 

The month of April was a crappy one. I guess every relationship goes through trying times, some make it, while others don’t.

Let me not bore y'all with the details of my life. (I can just picture Seyi screaming please tell it all, I want to know! little amebo).

I notice little things and I’m good at reading people. Initially I noticed some things but I knew they come off as unconscious actions so I let them slide. But then unconscious actions are actually who we really are deep down.

I know how I am when I'm really into someone, the efforts I make and the lengths I go to show I care. I recently read a post - 'Loving someone who doesn't really show affection.' It helped calm some of my worries.

But then after something happened during boo's birthday week, everything sort of became questionable. Plans being made in front of me and I wasn't even put in the program.  And then I thought, do I now need to also read a post on 'Loving someone who doesn't send you that much?’

I really don't know again, but I feel the person you are dating should always have priority, aside your family of course. But the person really should be in your subconscious... so the signs just keep showing and I’m remembering in the beginning when we used to joke with Justin Bieber's lyrics -

'Am I in love with you?

Or am I in love with the feeling?'

-       The feeling  (Justin Bieber ft Hasely)

Some people are not ready to put in the work, effort or compromise to make a relationship work. They just enjoy the title of I'm in a relationship.

I read something about my zodaic sign - Sagittarius. We tend to love deeply and show affection a lot and we judge others by our standards expecting same level of commitment.

“My weakness is that I care too much”

-       Scars (Papa Roach)

I had initially decided that to avoid any more relationship wahala, I would move at same pace. I won't do anything when my help wasn't expressly asked for and I also won't ask when next we’ll be hanging out.

Not because I'm angry, but so I don't feel like I’m the one putting in all the effort. Since my mind is screwed and knows how to play games with my head, I’ll just stop. These mind games, my mind won't win over me. 

By my zodiac sign, I'm skewed to judge others by my own level of commitment, it would henceforth be the less I put in, the less I expect. That was my new rule. To save my sanity, to save my relationship. I hoped it was gonna work. I wanted it to work so we'll be fine. Little did I know it was even going to show the cracks the more. It takes two to make it work, not only one person making effort.

 “I won’t cover my scars

I’ll let ‘em bleed

So my silence won’t be mistaken for peace

Am I wrong for wanting us to make it?”

-          It’s you (Zayn)

Not everyone can handle stability. Some people live on drama, sort of like it keeps things between them alive and active. Reminds me of my colleague and his girlfriend. I call them Mr. & Mrs. Smith. There's no outing they don't quarrel. Initially I didn't think they would last but I have since realized it’s their way.

Today they would fight, tomorrow you'll see them all loved up. It's what works for them. But for me, I love sanity, stability and peace. I don't have power for frequent fights or drama of any sorts. The doctor says it's not good for my heart.

"Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting

Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?

…

And time is taking its sweet time erasing you”

  -  Sad beautiful tragic (Taylor Swift)

One Friday I jokingly asked for something which from the onset I knew I wouldn't get. That feeling when you know you won't get something but you still ask to tease, but then the other person takes it as an opportunity to be a total bitch. That shit can pain! #painment.

"You'll be a bitch because you can.

You try to hit me just to hurt me

So you leave me feeling dirty

Because you can't understand."

-  Slow Dancing In a Burning Room (John Mayer)

I wasn't having any of it. I made known it was uncalled for, got a long text as reply, we went back and forth with texts. We did the silence treatment ish. We were there ignoring each other changing dps and pms. No one wanted to break first. (oh please before you bring in the maturity crap, no one is matured! Yes I said it, bite me.)

But I did. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t want to be the guy Valentine accused me of being back then in University days when I had issues with mood swings. He’ll say that I was not dependable since I could just switch moods all of a sudden. That if someone panned to do stuff with me, it means if my mood suddenly flips the person would be left hanging.

I had promised to help with movement to a new apartment the week before our little fracas so I had to break the silence and ask if bae was still going to move.

See, aside the unconscious pressure to get the relationship to work, just to prove to myself that I don’t have commitment issues, I was being affected by things my friends and colleagues were saying about me as per relationship ish.

I know I’m not a perfect person, scratch that, I’m a host of imperfection. But I realized what I was dealing with, was beyond my flaws. This wasn’t on me.

One of the worst feelings I think, is to not feel wanted or feel like you are a priority in your relationship. I tried to ignore that was my reality, tried to convince myself that wasn’t it but as the days went by and things kept happening I knew I couldn’t keep fooling myself.

What’s that they say? Actions speak louder than words right? You can’t keep saying I love you but yet your actions are saying another thing.

“You say you love me

But they feel like words to me

Well this just ain’t working

Stop thinking…

Can’t you see you’re fading?”

-          Fading (Rihanna)

One other thing friends were saying was that I like drama. Apparently if someone does something wrong and you try to express your thoughts its drama. Yet, if I decide to keep quiet and just deal, let it pass, they would say I’m keeping malice.

Several times I wanted to bring it up but I felt it would look like I’m causing drama. What people were saying began to actually affect me without my knowing and making me swallow things I shouldn’t and allowing my mind get worked up. I saw this on twitter –

“You either say how you feel and fuck it up or say nothing and let it fuck you up instead.”

So that’s how I kept swallowing things so I don’t look like a crazy person who likes drama. Something happened recently and I just couldn’t anymore. I needed to let it out

“There's something that I feel I need to say

But up till' now I've always been afraid

that you would never come around
And still I wanna put this out

You say you've got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me
And still, you're in my heart

And yes, there are times when I hate you

But I don't complain
'Cause I've been afraid that you would walk away”

-          Broken Hearted Girl (Beyonce)

I wrote it in a message and pleaded that it just be read and not responded to as I didn’t have the energy for back and forth texts. That’s how another silent treatment started which has gone on for days. Sort of like we are separated.

“Nothing but a tear, that’s all for breakfast

Watching you pretend you’re unaffected

You’re pulling our connections”

-           Close to you (Rihanna)

This time, I don’t even care…let the silence rage on, maybe in it we’ll drift apart, I really don’t care. The silence has turned to separation and maybe the devil in the form of Becky with the good hair or Edible catering shall come in. I sincerely don't even give a damn. Goes to show I’m not really a priority.

I mean, you did wrong, I called you out and then you go mute even till the next day and the next. Fine, I said don't reply the message, just read and digest doesn't mean you should go awol. The excuse I’ll get will be, I thought you were still angry with me bla bla bla...

“I’ll take every single piece of the blame if you want me to

But you know that there is no innocent one in this game for two

I’ll go, I’ll go and then you go, you go out

-          Sorry (Justin Bieber)

In the silence I stumbled on a blog post about not being given priority in a relationship. Things that stuck are:

•  Your partner shouldn’t be blowing you off on a regular basis. If someone really sees you as a priority they will put in the effort to make the time for you. Not because they have to but because they genuinely want to.        
•  However, it’s important to know whether your partner is treating you like an option– you shouldn’t waste your time prioritizing somebody who doesn’t do the same for you.
•  Do they make an effort to spend time with you or talk to you, even when it might not be convenient for them?
•  There is nothing worse than feeling unappreciated by someone you deeply care for. You shouldn’t have to beg to be cherished, or prove that you’re worthy, or special, or anything.  You should always be able to be yourself and feel wanted and appreciated. As Mindy Kaling once said, “in my mind, the sexiest thing in the world is the feeling that you’re wanted.” If you aren’t feeling wanted by your own partner, it’s time to say goodbye because that shit ain’t worth it, honey.
• If you are feeling empty, confused and often times very alone in your relationship, it’s time to take a deeper look at what you want your relationship to look like. He or she is taking up emotional real estate when someone else could be a better fit. What if you miss out on another wonderful relationship because you’re stuck fighting for someone who doesn’t want to fight for you?

I'm probably sabotaging what I’ve got myself, giving Asiwa validation. He really did say we are alike. That we self-sabotage our relationships. *sigh

“See it through, there is no easy way, if it’s right, why do I feel this way?

Tick tock, time just slips away

I’ll go my own way”

-          I go away (MNDR)

Well, I know I could be a lot smarter and handle this better but before you judge me, wait till you fall in love and all your sense of rational thinking flies out the window.

"Save your advice 'cause I won't hear

You might be right but I don't care" –

-          The heart wants what it wants (Selena Gomez)

It’s better to be single than be in a relationship and stay unhappy. I won't invest myself in a relationship where i'm not a priority, neither would I cajole anyone into having to act right.

Relationships should be enjoyed and not endured, No?

I've walked away. I don't feel hurt or heartbroken. In a weird way I feel relived, like a weight off of my shoulder. I'm sha watching myself...maybe with time i'll feel it, get lonely, feel sad or I just might not. Dunno.

If your love is stronger than your pride, if you want this for real, come find me. Show you deeply want me and I matter.

Just don’t be too late.

These few days apart, seems I have come to realize I’m better off alone.

“But now I know

I’m better sleeping on my own”

-          Love yourself (Justin Bieber)

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

JUST DO IT

Let’s face facts - we are human and our humanity gets in the way all the time, usually not in a good way.

The world celebrates success and despite telling us to embrace our weakness, failures are never celebrated – at least not until they’ve succeeded at something do we get to hear how they failed!

We love the strong, we love the beautiful, we love the rich. And it’s that love so freely shared that makes us hunger for strength, beauty and wealth. We are more attracted to applause than genuine achievements.

If not, why do we dream of becoming CEOs and yet are reluctant to take the risk to venture into business?

If not, why do we expect to have well raised children when we are absent from their developmental lives?

If not, why do couples hold hands outside and immediately disengage behind closed doors?

If not, why do we borrow just so we can keep up with the ridiculous faceless joneses?

And the list goes on and on….

Just because no one remembers or applauds the one who painstakingly lays one block after another after another after another…

We all want to be

Not do

We’ve forgotten the deeply personal irreplaceable satisfaction that comes from looking at good ole sweat turned gold. It’s called personal satisfaction, pride in what we do. It breeds self-esteem and genuine confidence.

It’s time to get real…

To remember how it feels to work at something, to get things done, to sweat, to be involved, to contribute to someone, something, anything. Like the men who helped Moses build the first tabernacle. These men hardly get mentioned; in fact the tabernacle till today is called Moses’ Tabernacle but he had such overwhelming support from different people – people who actually executed the vision. Who knows Bezalal? Who knows Aholiab? How about the several others whose names were not even mentioned? They still did! They too could say ‘we did it’.

It is not too late to rediscover your get up and go. It’s your passion! It isn’t too late to count for something. So how do we revive our passion?

Simple

Go first of all to the ant. Consider her ways and be wise.

See what I learnt from the ant:

1.    They have the ability to exploit resources and adapt easily to changes in their environment

2.    They communicate properly and learn interactively

3.    They have the ability to solve complex problems

4.    They are orderly and are active all year long

Ants easily deal with changes in their environment. For instance, when an established path to a food source is blocked by an obstacle, the foragers leave the path to explore new routes. If an ant is successful, it leaves a new trail marking the shortest route on its return. Successful trails are followed by more ants, reinforcing better routes and gradually identifying the best path.

Ants may be the only group apart from mammals where interactive teaching has been observed. A knowledgeable forager will lead a naive nest-mate to newly discovered food by the process of tandem running. The follower obtains knowledge through its leading tutor. The leader is acutely sensitive to the progress of the follower and slows down when the follower lags and speeds up when the follower gets too close.

Humans, learn from the ants, the bible says and be wise.

Achievement does not come by size or strength (or any of the other limitations we deceive ourselves with daily).

Follow my own ant trail…

Achievement comes from discovering a sense of purpose

Purpose is fuelled by passion

Passion helps us focus

Focus is what breeds determination

And determination and discipline go together

And discipline is the currency we need to Just Do It!

Get Up & Go!

Enjoy,

ID

idogufere@gmail.com

08098102216 / @idogufere

SOMETHING ABOUT THE OCEAN….

“When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea, and the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds, cleanses me with its noise, and imposes a rhythm upon everything in me that is bewildered and confused” – Rainer Maria Rilke

The ocean is my safe haven.

There’s this peaceful feeling I get whenever I am walking on the beach sand, feeling my feet sink in the sand while listening to the roar of the ocean waves.

The ocean has a way of keeping me sane and safe. I forget my worries, forget the world and just lose myself in the moment watching the mass of water dance. I’m so obsessed with the water. I feel so peaceful and at home by the ocean.

“There’s something about the ocean that makes everything better or at least makes life just a bit more clear’ - Unknown

I was going to say if I lived in a State where there is an ocean, I’d visit it daily. But then I remembered I once lived in Lagos State where there’s enough ocean around but I barely visited. Even when the then bar beach (before Eko Atlantic project came up) was right behind my house, the best I did was enjoy the view of the ocean from my room window.  I can’t tell exactly why I didn’t go often, probably because I felt it would always be around. When we have something readily around we tend not to value it. (Same thing I’m doing with the two large mango trees in my compound).

“The ocean makes me feel really small and it makes me put my whole life into perspective…it humbles you and makes you feel almost like you’ve been baptized. I feel born again when I get out of the ocean” – Beyonce Knowles.

We have this ideal picture of how we want our lives to be or we once had it when we were much younger. But adulthood is so much different. Things don’t really work out the way we plan, or do they? When I’m at the ocean, I get perspective, I’m in a different realm. So much clarity, I get to live the live I envisage for myself (even if it’s all in my head).

  

“Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.” – Sarah Kay

Left to me, I’d love to live by the ocean. Have the sea sing me a lullaby every night. A simple house by the ocean where I can take long walks, have peaceful time with myself and allow my thoughts wander.

“The waves of the sea help me get back to me” – Jill Davis

Nigerians love noise. They always try to spoil my beach experience with loud party music. I hate crowd and I get very shy when I get in the midst of strangers. Once I get to the beach, I stroll to the side that's not crowded, look for a spot and stay on my own or with whomever I am with.

Maybe next time I’ll take my ear piece so I can play the right kind of slow melancholic music that should be played when on a beach. I can imagine the perfect feeling listening to Oceans by Coldplay while sitting on a rock watching the ocean.

A beach should be a place of peace, solitude and tranquility. Melancholic music suits that kind of environment best and not noisy shitty music with cheaply written lyrics.

The ocean has a calming effect on me, then add that to the calm effect the songs have on me too. Perfect bliss. Once I set my eyes on the ocean, it’s like everything melts away.

“On the beach you can live in bliss” - Dennis Wilson

Writing this, imagining it, has brought a smile across my lips. I can already feel the peace. The ocean side is somewhere I get to really stay free of all my troubles and cares.

‘I get lost in the beauty of everything I see

The world ain’t half as bad as they make it to be…’ – Come Home by One Republic

There was a time I stayed a bit late into the evening on the beach. The sea breeze was everything. I just sat there taking in the air, allowing the water wash over my feet. It was a healing process. Something that beats me though is; why would someone go to a beach and not enter the water? I see people keeping their distance like they are afraid of the water. 

That’s like going to a cinema and then sleeping all through while the movie is on.

In my opinion, the best part of the whole beach experience is the water. The way the waves carry you, when the water touches your skin sending a cold chill down your body. It can be quite scary though. There’s this trick I discovered. When the waves washes over you, stay still as the water goes back to the sea. It’s when you try to run it carries you along easily. 

Well, the last time it almost didn’t work for me. I remember I was lying down on the sand when the waves came, I stayed put trying to dig my hands in the sand for support, but the current was too strong. I felt myself moving with the water. I started screaming ‘the water is carrying me’. My silly friend just stayed there snapping pictures. *sigh

Anyway I’m the one who wrote this so I’m still alive J

At that point though, I thought this is it. Death is here and I’m done.

I still don’t get why people who want to off themselves have to go through pain first. Like setting themselves on fire, or hanging themselves or going in front of a bus. The ocean is a perfect place to end it. Plug in your ear piece, listen to Midnight by Coldplay, down three bottles of liquor mixed with several sleeping pills by the sea, get high and sleep off as the breeze blows over your skin gently, nudging you to sleep as the pills kick in. The waves comes and washes your body into oblivion…

“If I die young

Bury me in satin

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me in a river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song…’ – If I die young by The Band Perry

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea.” - Isak Dinesen.

I know lots of readers would cringe after reading the part about suicide. Nigerians though *sigh. Religion has done us a very bad one on us. Totally closed our minds and deformed our thinking.  Most times I feel like I don’t belong here, like I don’t fit in. I don’t know how I got so liberal or open minded. I remember my university classmate who had her wedding ceremony on the beach. Linda Ikeji carried it on her gossip/news blog and then the internet trolls came with heir superstitious comments that she made a wrong choice as she has opened the door, inviting marine spirits to her marriage. SMH!

Skinny dipping is something I’ll do someday but definitely not in this country. We are way too backwards to understand that nudity is art. Our over religiousness, hypocrisy and closed minds are just too much barrier for us to appreciate the simple things of life.

Sometimes I get lost in thought at sea. I just sit there not wanting the moment to end, like I could just stay there frozen in time or best relocate. Live a quiet, easy life by the ocean. Just me, music, laughter and my significant other by the sea.

Quit your job, buy a ticket, and get a tan, fall in love…never return