DON'T CONFORM...

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN - FEBRUARY 03, 2013

I just stumbled on this post I wrote back then in 2013. I wish I followed my heart as per taking my time in truly figuring out what exactly it is I wanted out of life...but the stage my decision has brought me to in life at the moment isn't bad (thankfully) though I still feel like a lot is missing and I desire much more out of life. The good thing I guess is, I am gradually finding my way back...The focus has always been truly live life and feel true happiness ‘cus truly this life is too short to conform and stay unhappy, managing (we know how good Nigerians are at managing).

I hope this piece inspires someone out there to follow their heart and choose true happiness instead of living a life of conformity and then end up being miserable.

****

Life after service, hmm... What can I say? It’s so different from what I expected. I thought now I would be free to do whatever I pleased with my life or maybe I really am, that's if I ignore all society demands from fresh ex-corpers (those that have passed out less than a year) and also ignore family expectations.

Seriously, I should extend my break because right now I don't feel ready for the 'real life'. It's like everyone is mounting pressure on me (unknowingly tho) to get a job or apply for masters....jeez! I hate when people ask me 'what's next now?'

Must we all conform to standards set by the society or meet societal expectations? If you are not working immediately or already applied for a master’s degree does that make you a failure?

Nơw look what I have gotten my poor self into...yea I haven't told most people yet, well for now I consider it a mistake sort of because I regret my decision at times, though I'm thankful for the opportunity also. I started working since last week of July last year and each morning I wake and I have to prepare for work, I feel sad in my spirit because I know I ought to be resting and figuring things out and finishing my uncompleted novels.

Who knows I just might tender in my resignation soonest because I AM NOT READY! (I wish I had the balls to do that). I wish I stood my ground and maintained my normal standard of non conformity! Seriously, must we all follow the trend that society has set? After service next thing is masters or a job, next marriage? That's mostly for guys I think. Marriage comes first probably for girls, so it seems. Once someone deviates from this, the person is looked as a failure or social misfit. Absolute crap!

Maybe I had to make this 'mistake' to finally figure things out. At least now I finally know when I would like to start living the 'real life', when to start working and when I would like to do my masters. The thing is I have three likely life paths I'd love to take career wise. The job I am currently holding would lead me to one of them so all is well I guess, I just have to suck it up and complete the transition from a life of no responsibilities to the real life because as of now I am now a worker. Gosh, I feel like laughing my head off at this junction. This is actually reality now, where whatever becomes of me I hold responsibility for.

It kinda sucks to be an adult. I miss those undergraduate days when all I bothered about was having good grades and being a better person. Mostly I miss being a child when I had no care in the world, when all that mattered was food, games, tv and friends...

From another point of view, am I just being lazy or do I have home problem? God save me. Only time would tell...

One thing I have always known as evident in my life is my steps are always ordered by God and all things are working for my good...No worries...in God I trust.

Y.O.L.O (you only live once…)

This post is best viewed on a laptop or tab to keep the arrangement of the pictures in tact

#np: The time of my life – David Cook

I started this year craving a six month’s break. Since I couldn’t take the six months off everything, I decided that I’ll utilize every public holiday this year to the fullest.

Easter was the first. I thought of touring the North but that plan didn’t work out well. Initially though, I had planned going on one of those travel trips, but the thought of going with complete strangers didn’t go down well with me.

The next best thing was to draw up an itinerary of what I could do on my own. I have been itching for a while now to practice with my camera. I have decided that my camera isn’t going to be another gadget I spent money on only to abandon. So off to Lagos I went.

It was going to be a road trip. I went in the company of two of my colleagues in a private car. Road travel is always best when you are in familiar company - the jokes, laughter, teasing and then that comfortable silence that follows when everyone’s energy level is low. Soon again, close to the destination, it always seems everyone wakes up and the party resumes. 

Road trip! Tolu, Ivan and Myself

Aside catching up with friends, I had specific places to visit in two/three days. Normally, I announce my arrival in Lagos so anyone interested in hanging out could holla but this time, I had to keep a low profile due to the limited time and number of activities I had planned. I have so many cool friends in Lagos and wished there was enough time to meet up with each and every one, but then it was what it was.

First outing was the beach, Elegushi beach to be exact. I wanted to catch the sunset and mostly experience being at the beach till late night (I eventually left there around 10:00 pm, still not late enough). I did catch the sunset and had a nice time taking cool shots of the ocean at sunset while also taking some nice shots of my friends and their friends that joined us. One of the most beautiful natural view has got to be the ocean during sunset.

 

 

So basically, I’m an amateur photographer now, sort of. I need to make out time to develop this photography thingy, seeing it has taken a special place in my heart. I’m still not sure I want go pro with it. I’d love to keep it a hobby, like a safe haven where I can escape to, for relief, same way I take my writing. Purely a hobby.

Though now, I’m currently having second thoughts based on the compliments I have been getting from people as per the pictures I took. My confidence has fast started to grow. I have gotten such good feedback, meanwhile this is just me starting out with only basic knowledge I got one evening from a friend. I haven’t even attended a formal class or exposed myself to more advanced knowledge about photography.

The truth is, maybe I have been lying to myself about keeping my talents as hobbies (though the fear of taking my hobbies all too serious and then losing the fun in it is quite legit). I was discussing with Afe recently and I told him I am scared of taking pictures professionally, like what if I cover someone’s wedding and all the pictures come out bad? That guilt I could never live with. But deep down I know that confidence doesn’t come in a day. He gave a nice idea that I could start covering occasions free while the person also has their official photographer. It’s funny how so many people tend to believe in me more than I actually believe in my own capabilities.

The best part of my trip was the food festival I attended in the company of Seyi and Efe. The festival held at Samantha’s Bistro & Grill in Ikoyi. From one booth to another we went checking out different kinds of dishes, drinks as well and processed food products. Oh! And the really cool part was the free tasting, till well, I tasted chilli pepper.

How I hate pepper! I still don’t know how people will cook food, rice specifically and pack pepper in it, all in the name of ‘pepper rice’. The worst is when people would leave their houses and go to an eatery to purchase ‘pepper rice’. Just ridiculous! Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Surprisingly there was an art corner at the festival. I hid behind my camera as excuse not to paint (I was very shy). 

I love the arts. I love music, I love books and I love pictures/photography and paintings. This was my first time experiencing people painting from start to finish. Being there awakened my desire to tour an art gallery. I didn’t have the chance to do that before leaving for Benin but that’s now top of my bucket list.

Below are pictures of other persons along with my buddies who were at the art booth. Two of them are professionals while the third guy is a graphic designer. Initially he was going for the joker but along the line I guess he missed it and ended up painting a happy clown. He did good work though, but I would have preferred the joker. Art that comes with darkness or pain are the best to me. 

The thing about being the one handling the camera is, you end up not featuring in most of the pictures. In as much as I wanted to get great shots of the ocean, I also wanted to have pictures of myself at the beach. Next day, I went back to the beach.

One major thing I took away from this trip is I need to focus on developing my photography. Everyone has been giving good feedback and all. Maybe this year’s leave I should go for a short course on photography.

I can already picture my personal gallery; the walls painted white, my landscape pictures from my travels framed and placed on the walls with smart lighting design illuminating the room. Most importantly, soft music playing from the surround system….a boy can dream, in it?

At Alpha beach I got some really cool melancholic themed pictures like those of Godwin Okoye. A good photographer has got to have great directing skills. Know what posture, angle and lighting exposure to have that perfect picture you are going for… when next you see that photographer climbing a tree or almost lying down on the floor, don’t laugh…that’s someone with passion and vision going for the apt angle. 

 I saw a meme somewhere which said – “that you own a DSLR camera doesn't make you a photographer”. Hell yeah! I totally agree (even though it subs me as well). Photography isn’t child's play. Forget auto mode, try getting the right exposure and lighting using manual mode. If more than half of your pictures isn’t dark or totally blurred out then know you are there.

I remember when I just started learning how to shoot using manual mode. I took my camera to the office to practice on my colleagues. It wasn't funny. The pictures were all crap. Being the type of guy who is always determined to excel in whatever I do, I got really mad with frustration written all over my face. My colleague looked at me, she shook her head and said, 'I don't know who gave you this camera that you want to use to kill yourself'.

Photography is serious business honestly. The hardest part? Editing and sorting out the pictures. This is the part I don't like at all. It took me four days to sort and edit the almost one thousand pictures I took during the Easter break. The first day I slept at 1:00am because of photo edit. If only people knew what photographers go through to bring out those amazing pictures, we wouldn't complain much about the pricing.

****

This past Easter break was indeed made for me. I left Lagos feeling alive. Like I was reborn. I left filled with a rekindled passion for photography. I came to Lagos feeling dead and burnt out, but I left with new energy and excitement for living. Yea, it sucked that I was headed back to my routine of corporate work, but I knew it wasn’t going to be the same. After working hours each day, I am going to live for myself and do stuff that brings happiness.

This trip was all about me appreciating the arts and taking time out to explore something I love (photography). It wasn’t about partying or trying to meet up with some hot acquaintance. But of course two things that have become a tradition whenever I go to Lagos – buying novels and meeting up with a music buddy to talk about music, as well as updating my music library.  I got two new novels to add to the list of novels I am yet to read (I have read about five novels since the beginning of this year). It’s nice watching my library grow.

I’m almost done arranging my music files on my laptop. I am arranging them based on artist per folder. Each artist folder contains all their albums in the sub folder. It looks very sane and easy on my senses when I open my music folder these days. Not the crap I had before that made me always feel suffocated. Now it looks like a proper music library, easy to locate albums and songs, making my life feel orderly.

It was another road trip back to Benin. This time I really didn’t want to do the whole music or chatting and teasing thingy. I brought a book to Lagos and I was determined that I was indeed going to read a book on my trip back. It’s a culture I am trying to get accustomed to. Before I would take a book along on a trip but would never touch it.

I started this culture when I travelled to Abuja in January.  I took time out to read at the hotel though watching CNN kinda took most of my time, but I was able to read well at the airport while waiting for my flight. Recently when I went to Asaba for work ish, I read while waiting for the meeting to start. Meeting up with my ‘rules’ gives me satisfaction, like I’m able to discipline myself. 

I got to Benin feeling alive and excited about life. That’s the beauty of travel, it breathes life into you. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Not all the time work and serious stuff, sometimes break out of your routine and just live…try something new, explore and open yourself to beautiful moments and keep the memories for yourself.

It’s one thing to have a bucket list or day dream about things you'll love to do, but it’s another thing to actually do them. I've decided not to cheat myself from enjoying the beautiful moments in life. While I’m still young and energetic, as much as I can, I’ll try to explore and experience as much as I can. Most importantly I’ve decided to develop my hobbies, read more books and appreciate the arts. Basically, I’m all for living for the now. Life really is short. What is it that they say? Y.O.L.O (you only live once…)

So this is me, while working towards achieving those career goals, I would try to have it all. I won’t take it all so serious. While working to be who I want to be, I’ll try to actually live my life as well.

”I’ll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time, this is the time to be
More than a name or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life”

The time of my life (David Cook)

"The world aren’t half as bad as they paint it to be" - One Republic (Come Home). But how would you know this if you don't truly live? There's so much to life than work, pay bills, take care of kids and wait for death.

I want more out of life. The little things are those that bring so much joy...music, good company, photography, books, food...

I'm thankful I made good use of the Easter break and also had the chance to appreciate the arts, meet up with old pals and made one or two new acquaintances.

Dear young men, don't forget to enjoy your youth while working towards being successful. Don't be that 50 year old trying to relive their 20's.

           

“But until my moment comes, I'll say...

I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
with every broken bone, I swear I lived”

- I lived (One Republic)

INTROVERT. INTUITION. FEELING. JUDGEMENT (INFJ) DOOR SLAM

Growing up, I noticed I was emotionally different from most. It’s been a long journey of self-discovery and learning how to manage my emotions while also trying to understand why I am the way I am.

Human inter-relationship has never been one of my strongest aspects. Being different from others is sure going to lead to misconceptions and opinions from others.  As hard as I tried to make people understand why I seemed complicated, I too was going through a phase. I felt unstable, sometimes lost, alone and different.

I kept asking myself - Why was my life so difficult? Why couldn’t it be as easy and carefree like my peers? My teenage years were so hard and lonely, trying to understanding myself, trying to define who I am and see exactly where I fit in. I have lost count of the number of times people have called me odd or weird.

I have read various articles and books on personality types seeking an understanding of who I am. To a large extent I got clarity on who I am – a loner, a melancholic to a very large extent, an introvert who suffered from chronic mood swings and depression (Thankfully those days are behind me). But still, I still didn’t feel like I had hit the nail on the head in terms of knowing where I fit in.

After all these years I finally got it when Reward forwarded me a piece on INFJ’s.  It gave me clarity and in Rewards words…validation for why I am how I am.  It made me feel normal knowing there were actually other persons like me out there even if we account for just about 3% of the world’s population.

One thing I always had a hard time explaining to people is why all of a sudden I keep quiet or shut down and stay away from certain persons. People always tagged it malice, but I knew it wasn’t. Those times when I’d try to argue with them and let them understand it wasn’t malice, the frustration when they just couldn’t understand…*sigh

Reading this article made me feel normal ‘cuz it perfectly explains everything I have always wanted people to understand about me.

It’s my utmost desire that certain persons would read this post and understand me finally. Hopefully this would go a long way in helping my relationship with them. Though I know this doesn’t excuse the fact that at times I actually push people away and cause sabotage….

….

The door slam is when an INFJ suddenly cuts off all contact with someone. It might be a friend, significant other, co-worker, or family member. In other words, one day the INFJ is in your life, and the next day, they’re not. It’s been said that when INFJs get hurt or angry, “they don’t hate you, they nothing you.” For the INFJ, removing someone from their life is a self-protective measure to stop the emotional pain.

If you’re an INFJ (or you have an INFJ in your life), here are 7 things you should know about the INFJ door slam. These may not be true of every INFJ, but I believe they are generally true:

1. INFJs usually slam the door only as a last resort. If they’ve cut off contact with someone, it’s because they saw no other way to stop the pain. INFJs tend to be patient and forgiving of others’ shortcomings — but even they have their breaking point.

2. When an INFJ cuts off contact, the other person might not realize it right away. That’s because INFJs tend to slip away quietly. INFJs probably won’t announce their intention to door slam. (“That’s it, we’re no longer friends.”) Rather, they’ll simply find ways to spend less time with the other person; they’ll stop answering their texts or they’ll say no to invitations to hang out. (Obviously, it’s different if the INFJ is breaking up with a significant other; in this case, there will have to be a conversation.) Whenever possible, INFJs prefer to simply disappear, calling as little attention to their departure as possible.

3. In many cases, the INFJ door slam is justified. INFJs tend to be “nice” people who listen with empathy, care deeply about others, and have a strong desire to help. For these reasons, INFJs can attract emotionally needy friends or partners. INFJs may even find themselves drawn to toxic people, wanting to help or heal them. After a while, these unbalanced relationships become draining and damaging, and the INFJ must cut them off to save their sanity.

4. However, sometimes immature INFJs will door slam without trying to resolve the root problem first. Instead of talking to the other person about how they feel, INFJs may bottle up their feelings until they can’t take it anymore, then simply cut off the offending party. The other person is left not knowing what happened or what they did wrong. Mature INFJs have learned that no one is perfect and that they can’t constantly cut people out of their lives — otherwise, there will eventually be no one left. They learn to be more assertive and stand up for themselves; they find ways to resolve the root problem so they can maintain the relationship (if it’s a good one and worth holding onto). They set boundaries and discover how to interact with others in ways that work for them. For example, they might say to themselves, “I’ll go to her toddler’s birthday party, but I’ll only stay for an hour or two, because that’s all I can take.” Or, “I enjoy chatting with this person at work, but they don’t need to become a part of my inner circle, and that’s okay.” Most important, as INFJs mature, they learn to trust their intuition to avoid getting involved with toxic people in the first place.

5. Post-door slam, INFJs may feel compelled to cleanse their life of anything that reminds them of the other person. They may delete photos of the two of them from social media or throw away gifts from the other person. (No joke, when I broke up with my first boyfriend and wanted him out of my life for good, I buried a box in my backyard of trinkets and notes he had given me.) INFJs may feel better after doing some type of ceremony that gives them closure.

6. They say that when an INFJ slams the door, it can never be opened again. This may be true in some situations, especially when the INFJ has been hurt very badly or repeatedly. INFJs are emotional and sensitive, and sometimes the pain is just too much. Also, INFJs may keep the door closed if they recognize that the other person is an unhealthy force to have in their life. But in some situations, the door can be “re-opened.” After some time has passed, the INFJ’s anger may fade, and they may see the situation with fresh eyes. If the INFJ and the other person can talk about what happened, there is a chance that the relationship can be repaired. At this stage, it’s important that the INFJ is able to speak freely about how the other person’s words or actions made them feel; in order for healing to begin, INFJs must first get their feelings out. If the offending person seems to understand the INFJ’s hurt and regrets what they did, they INFJ will likely forgive them.

7. Above all, to avoid an INFJ door slam, be kind. The words you speak and the little things you do matter greatly to an INFJ. Also, INFJs need to feel like their decisions are respected and their emotions are heard. Treat an INFJ with kindness and respect, and the door will never be slammed.

Culled from introvertdear.com

UNREQUITED…

#np: Have You Ever? – Brandy

“If you could love someone, and keep loving them without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurts too much to be anything else.”

― Sarah Cross, Kill Me Softly

I have realized I go through the same cycle each time I am trying to get over my feelings. I try not to initiate any form of communication. I don’t like calls, so calling is never a temptation. To avoid sending chats on Whatsapp, I have to delete the number. Then unfriend/unfollow on all social media outlets. After all, out of sight is out of mind. If I am not seeing your posts or pictures, slowly time takes its sweet time deleting you from my memory.

I silently hope she doesn’t initiate a chat or call to say hi, ‘cus I am very fragile when it comes to that. I could almost have forgotten about someone but once I see hello from them, all I have achieved trying to forget the person comes crumbling down and I am right back to where I started.

I used to worry about this cycle ‘cus it made me seem unstable. It’s one thing to decide to move on, but the heart rarely ever works in line with the brain. Even after deleting the number or unfriending on social media, I still have that one or two moments of momentarily weakness when I reach out. The next day I regret reaching out and it feels like all I have achieved trying to give space is wasted. At that point I have to start afresh... (It can be quite frustrating).

I thought about my ‘moving on cycle’ and I have decided not to beat myself about it anymore. It’s how I deal, how I move on. Instead of feeling unstable I have decided to accept it as my moving on process.

We all have our different coping mechanisms. Same way people react to things differently, its same way we all handle matters of the heart differently. This is the only way I know how to move on and it takes time for me to heal. I won’t allow myself feel inadequate or apologetic that I am not a robot who can just switch off his feelings at will.

One thing I have also realized is, for me to truly move on I must make my feelings known. Even when I know it’s headed nowhere, to truly move on, most times I have to let the other know how I feel. Until I inform them, I never really move on, I just suffer undue torture in silence.

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

― Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

Do you ever wish or think at times, that maybe the love you feel should be enough for both of you? Ever loved someone so much but it’s like they don’t even know you exist? Still you feel the love so strongly, it’s almost bursting through your heart and you keep wondering how it is they don’t feel it too.

It’s weird when I think about it at times, how someone could love another so deeply but then it means nothing at all to the other person.

“Have you finally found the one you’ve given your heart to?

Only to find that one won’t give their heart to you

Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there

And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care…”

-       Have you ever? (Bandy)

     It’s a helpless situation. Sometimes I wish the feelings could go through air and plunge right into the heart of the other. Or the feelings could have this magnetic attraction such that the other person is drawn into perspective as well.  Unrequited love has got to be one of the worst things ever, sincerely.

“Unrequited love is the infinite curse of a lonely heart.”

― Christina Westover

      I think I am drawn to people who are not available or those I can’t have. At the office, more than half of my colleagues I interact with actually believe I have a thing for married women. But that’s not true.

     Truth is I never ever really notice their wedding band. It’s when I ask my colleague about them, that’s when I realize the lady is married (with kids). That’s how I was at one of our branches recently. I saw this calm looking lady carrying out her duties with such elegance and grace. She had me spell bound and I couldn’t help but admire her calm nature. Just the type I like; calm and reserved, not those loud or seemingly social types with so much energy I can’t keep up with, they end up leaving me worn out or totally drained.

    I asked my colleague if she knew her. She was about replying but then she paused and let out a mischievous laugh saying that the thing has caught me again. The lady I was asking about was married with a kid. Oh well…four times unlucky.

 “Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.”

― Carol Rifka Brunt, Tell the Wolves I'm Home

     My love has gone to waste again and I am in the process of moving on. I have deleted number like four times now. I feel drawn and in love but she’s taken.

     I am drawn to the messed up, those with issues/baggage. Their brokenness draws me to them and I develop this soft spot. Maybe it’s my natural tendency of providing solution that causes it, or the pain in me is comforted by their imperfection.

     There are those people you meet and you know right away, that along the line you are going to develop feelings for them. Now here lies my dilemma; I want to be their friend and be there for them through the stuff they are going through. Provide help in whatever way I can to ease their pain, but then, I know I would fall and I’ll most likely make a mess of the whole situation and then even complicate their life even further. 

     What do I do? Stay away and not help or do I try to ignore my feelings for the greater good? I can’t fool myself, never have I succeeded in ignoring my feelings. When I love, I love deep like I was given the emotion of two persons.

     Now I stay away, because those past experiences where I stayed and then my feelings complicated it turned it to a huge mess. The person not being sure of my intentions really hurt me. Sometimes I even doubted and started to question my good deeds if they were indeed genuine or did I offer a hand just so they would like me?

     This has got to be one of the worst feelings ever, loving someone who is taken or who can never love me the same….it’s exhausting and lonesome. Even worse when it prevents me from being a good friend to that person who needs a shoulder to lean on.

      I wish I stuck to my weekend routine of being alone, indoors and in my house. If I had kept to myself and not started hanging out with my colleagues during the weekend, I wouldn’t have met her. My life would still be easy and my heart would still be at peace. Now look what I have got myself into…

FAREWELL KC EYISI…

Oh! I’m in pieces, its tearing me up but I know

A heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved

Spread your wings as you go

When God takes you back

He’ll say Hallelujah, you’re home…

#np: Supermarket Flowers – Ed Sheeran

KC Bombay, my amazing buddy. I still can’t believe you are gone.

On the 28^th of February I was going to send you a message on whatsapp, but I stumbled on Dr. Onyeka’s profile pic first. It was a picture of both of you. Then my eyes fell on his status message – “Kc… Thank God for your life…Rest well…Say Hi to Dad.”

I was just settling in at work when I saw it. I screamed, I hit my desk asking no one in particular what he meant by his status. I read the words but they seemed unreal. I couldn’t accept it, I didn’t want it to be true. My thoughts racing and my heart pounding against my chest.

It’s been three weeks now but it’s all still fresh in my memory, the pain I felt that day.  I was scattered and confused. I dialled Onyi, he said we lost you…

Kc dearest, as unreal as his words sounded that day, they still remain so now. Kc…I have called your name over a thousand times, whether out of the blues or in a whisper when I remember, but still no answer from you.

You were one of the few persons who understood my complexities and never complained or made me feel less. Even when in my usual manner, I tried to push you away, you stayed patiently and waited till my dark days were over. You’ll tease me that I get wahala but you never one day made me feel abnormal or less loved. Oh, how much I will give to hug you one more time, to see you smile and tell you just how much you mean to me.

The last time we communicated was on instagram where we discussed some personal ish as we always do and I ended the chat by praising our bravely. You were young but you were very brave and ready to weather tough conditions.

I remember in 2013 when we were chatting and you called me out of the blues. I was shocked because I didn’t expect a call from someone I was chatting with. We talked a lot about everything and nothing.

I always thought I was Beyoncé’s number one fan but then I met you and realised my fandom was still learning. We were supposed to attend one of her tours together and sing along to every damn song of hers!

I remember waking up to your message informing me that Bey had released her an entire album overnight. That was her self-titled album in 2013. I quickly rushed to download it and we spent the day talking about it and comparing it to her previous albums. Our second to the last chat was about how she got rubbed at the last Grammy awards.

I have been thinking about you, sometimes I blurt out your name all of a sudden because I still can’t believe you are gone, sometimes just a whisper of your name. Sometimes I remember bits of our shed memories and I smile, sometimes I want to cry, I want to call you and talk with you. I want to say come back to me but…

If I begged and if I cried

Would it change the sky tonight?

Would it give me some light?

Should I wait for you to call?

Is there any hope at all?

…..

I try to reach for you

I can almost feel you

You’re nearly here

And then you disappear… (Disappear – Beyonce)

You always read my blog and then, you’ll chat me up afterwards. We’ll discuss in details and with each discuss I saw how brave and wise you were.

I have always said death brings peace to its victims, but it inflicts pain on those left behind…

This isn’t right, cus whenever we spoke about life, you were the one always wanting to live it to the fullest, to hustle and rule this life and make something out of it. You were pro-life. I was the lazy one, the one who didn’t want to hustle, who didn’t mind taking the easy way out.

It feels so unfair that you are gone too soon…

Kc my music buddy. I remember the day you chatted me that you had finally become a Troye Sivan fan. I was ecstatic. I had made a Troye fan out of you. That was huge for me, finally I had another Troye Sivan buddy but now you are gone.

I wonder what death is like, my colleague said it’s like a long sleep. Do you dream? If yes, please dream of me. Can you hear and see us here on earth? Of all things I sincerely wish you can still hear us here, so you can listen to Beyonce’s next album and I hope you have a front row seat to see her recording each song and shooting the accompanying videos.

You mean so much to me and I will always think of you. Someday we shall meet again and you shall give me that gentle somewhat shy smile again. Same way you did the first time we met, and I will spread my hands and say come give daddy a hug. This time I’ll let the hug linger on even much longer.

I keep looking at your pictures on instagram, running my hands over my phone screen trying to understand all this, missing you and even loving you more.

And it’s hard

The days just seem so dark

…

Where do I begin?

No words can explain

The way I’m missing you

….

I’m reaching out to you

Can you hear my call?

This hurt that I’ve been through

I’m missing you, missing you like crazy… (Lay me down – Sam Smith)

I played some of your voice notes, I heard your voice and I died inside. Your laughter…so cute and carefree….I will store those audio files and guard them carefully so I can always have that with me.

I remember how we used to use song titles of Beyonce to make sentences or use lyrics of her songs and then we’ll wait to see who can’t recognize the lyrics…

Last Friday we laid you to rest. On seeing your face on the poster with the caption – ‘Heaven has gained an angel’ my heart filled up with so much love. I saw your family, they were all fine and in good health. That gave me peace and joy that they were doing just fine even though your demise has left a void.

I left there with my heart bursting with so much love. We have bade you farewell and laid you to rest, but you’ll forever live on in my heart and I can never forget you.

I miss you every day Kc.

I love you like XO