SINK OR SWIM 2

Note to self - I need…I have to cut myself some slack.

I need to learn that in the growth process it’s okay to err, but what matters is that you pick yourself up and keep growing.

I need to understand that maturing into the man I desire to be, that man who is in charge of his emotions is not a day’s work.

I need to accept that I am not a robot and I will break one or two times, which is okay, but I must grow from there.

The past 72 hours has been a haze. I still haven’t been able to process how things happened in quick succession, almost taking me back to same level of rock bottom I was at ending April.

See, the thing called fear or should I be honest and admit it? I do have anxiety attacks. This is real, even though the conclusion in 2013 by the Cardiologist was that I was misdiagnosed and mistreated for panic attacks. The first doctor was probably right but I guess I had a bigger health issue overshadowing the attacks.

From a calm Saturday (though stressed out from being at work that day) to everything going downhill in quick succession. Getting the unexpected news that triggered my anxiety, to trying to calm myself down, to going the self-destructive route (in the name of distracting myself) ending my relationship, to having a horrible night, to opening up to friends just to save my self even though I really wasn’t ready. God!! I thought I had learnt to control how I react to issues?

Yet again I let myself lose it. I got to that point where I allowed my mind drift for a split second, wondering, just how at peace and free I would be if I was dead…

“You’d think that I’d learn my lesson by now

You’d think that I’d somehow figure out

That if you strike the match

You’re bound to feel the flame

But I still drive myself right through the pain

Yeah, well it turns out, I haven’t learned a thing”

-          Learn my Lesson (Daughtry)

I used the better part of Sunday to chide myself for breaking and losing control yet again. I was hard on myself, questioning if I will ever get it right. I forgot I was just human and that growth is a process.

Now I ask myself, the news I got that brought my world crashing, was it even bad news? In truth it wasn’t but for the fear of the unknown. I should have been happy a loved one was getting discharged after 4 months in the hospital. But I freaked because the discharge date was much earlier.

I have been mentally preparing myself for a later date, but here it was right in my face. I remember trying to digest the information gradually but along the line I froze and let my mind wonder.

I remembered all the times after being discharged, then next thing was a relapse. Just like in April…the chaos, the pain….all still too fresh and I doubted we were I was strong enough to go through it again, so soon. You’d think that dealing with this for years would make me stronger, but no, each episode hits me afresh and drives me down that dark hole.

“Breaking at the cracks

And everything goes black

It’s another heart attack

And I can’t handle that…”

-          Breakin’ at the Cracks (Colbie Caillat)

I forgot that God was riding with us. I forgot how he showed up for me twice last week, solving two issues that have been disturbing me at work, one could have earned me a suspension. I forgot just how He showed up for us in April and calmed our storm…I forgot these words I have been holding on to…

“We are so afraid of everything going wrong. We forget about all the different possibilities of everything going right.”

-          ThesmilingAkh

I should have been thankful for the good news and believed that God is working things out for our good. I mean, looking at it logically now makes me wonder why I lost it. I guess that’s what happens when you let fear ride over you.

See some people have this life easy, but some of us have it hard. We just have to keep believing God and learn to grow through our pain. Carry our cross and trust Him fully, especially those times when it seems God doesn’t make sense.

“I know this ain’t for nothing

There’s nothing you don’ make

I know you got your reasons

This shit’s just hard to take

I don’t mean to criticize

I know I’m hard to teach

I know you tell me there’s nothing wrong with me

Yea, but why does my life have to hurt so much?

Dear God, are you sure that you don’t mess up?

I know you don’t mess up, yeah

Dear God, just remind me you don’t mess up”

-          Dear God (Hunter Hayes)

I feel so pained like, it’s not fair my folks are going through this. It breaks my heart seeing them go through this and well, it amazes me how much stronger they are than I have been.

I stay away so I don’t be a cause for concern, like I was in April when I got torn to pieces before their eyes. I’m not as strong as I wish I could be for them, so the best I can do is not worsen their burden. Not to let them see me go through this pain, to let them believe I am fine is the best I can do. But the staying away makes me miss out on things and then when I find out, I feel like I am not doing enough and it hurts me.

They keep saying I have my own life to live...but then how can I feel okay when this is as much a part of my life also? Maybe I am making a mistake, thinking I am superman that I have to save the world around me...maybe I am not. It’s all so hard and confusing trying to stay sane and be there for them at the same time.

“So pull yourself together

Pull yourself together

Take everything you need

Open up to open arms

Pull yourself together for me…”

-          Pull yourself together (The Boxer Rebellion)

To the one who holds my heart, I did it again and I hate that I keep putting you through all this. I have accepted that I am toxic for you. You deserve so much better. That is why I am letting you go my dear.

We would have been one year this Saturday, but all I can see is one year of me taking out my pain and frustrations on you. Each time I’m drowning I take it out on you to distract myself. While I am telling myself this is not me succumbing to my demon of pushing people away, I want to honestly believe I am acting in good faith letting you go.

You deserve someone who is whole, not someone who is broken/damaged  to complicate your life. You deserve peace, so take it my love. But if you choose to stay, to stick with me, then I’ll try to be a better version of myself. But mostly I’d love for you to take this gift of freedom and save yourself from me.

“Tell me you’ve been tortured

Tell me you’ve been beaten

And what I’ve done to you

And even if it doesn’t matter

Matter what’s true

Say that you don’t want me

Tell me I’m the fool

Tell me that its over

This time is true

Tell me I’m unknown

To you

-          Unknown (to you) - Jacob Banks

I’m tired, though stable now. But to be honest it feels like I’ve pushed the fear to a corner. Like it’s lurking, waiting to spring and take over. I have chosen to be strong, to stay positive and believe that all things will work out fine in the end.

Thankfully, my annual leave is around the corner, I can take a trip or two to breathe and clear my head. Travel is therapeutic for me. An escape; a safe haven for me. Forget all those smiles you may see on my travel pictures. If only you knew the pain beneath the smiles, my broken smiles you may call it.

“Although I might be laughing loud and hearty

Deep inside I’m blue

So take a good look at my face

You’ll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it’s easy to trace

The track of my tears”

-          Track of tears (Adam Lambert)

 It’s my sincere prayer that someday I will read this post and I will laugh because all of this will be a distant memory and all will be fine indeed, with our heads held up high.

“Ever had a feeling that you can’t go on?

Trying to be strong but getting weaker

Carrying the weight of every single day

Having lost your way, feeling defeated

Sat staring, counting spiral patterns on the wall

You wonder if your luck is ever gonna turn around at all

Confused and battered by the motion of the changing tides

You’re nearing empty and you’ve barely got the will to fight

You wonder if you’re gonna live or if you will survive at all

You need a little light to guide the way

Waiting on the sun to shine again

You got to keep your head up high

You need a little hope to carry on

In the middle of the night when you’re alone

You got to keep your head up high”

-          Head up high (Kodaline)

GROWING UP...

“Just because you did something wrong in the past doesn’t mean you can’t advocate against it now. It doesn’t make you a hypocrite, you grew. Don’t let people use your past to invalidate your current mindset.

Growth; a concept. Embrace it.” - @prinzgbemi

I saw this on twitter recently and I could relate.  Alongside reading other people’s blog, lately I have been reading some of my old blog posts and I realized just how much I have grown. It was easy back then for me to write posts about life issues and have strong opinions about so many things.

I hadn’t lived then, I was in the comfort of my home judging based on logic what should be and what shouldn’t be. How to deal with stuff or process feelings and what not. What did I even know? It was easy seeing life as black and white and having common sense right answers/solutions to them. But truth is, life as I have come to know it is not black and white.

To a large extent I have grown and well, like most persons I needed hard stuff to happen to me first before I could learn empathy. I’m still working on being a better version of myself, I mean I can still be very difficult/opinionated and impossible at times and straight up annoying too. But I guess we are all humans with our individual flaws.

It’s been interesting reading my old blog posts. It’s like I have documented a timeline of my life phases. Reading from the very start (2012) and seeing how my outlook on life has been changing is really something. It makes me feel fulfilled that truly, I am on the path of finding who I am and actually working towards that idea of what I want my life to be.

Reading some posts brings smiles to my face as I remember the person I wrote about or the particular phase of my life. Some posts make me feel sad, reminds me of some things that are still plaguing me till date while others make me shake my head and realise how much those issues seemed like a big deal then but now they are distant memories.

Some of the posts really had me laughing especially the ones about my NYSC days and the funny stuff that just kept happening and well, makes me long for those seemingly carefree days now. To think I wanted to be done with that phase of life and start working, be the adult and live life on my terms. *sigh. If only I knew…

Still though, I’m glad I am through with that phase and most importantly done with job hunting phase. I think that job hunting phase has got to be one of the worst phases of my life. I may not exactly be where I want in terms of living on my terms but I think I’m still on track.  Reading my blog posts, I realised I was actually losing focus of this till 2016 when I had a reawakening and I knew I had to do something about it, else life was going to pass me by while I barely existed.

I made a conscious effort to live, to explore and travel. To do that which was dear to me and has always been a part of me.

One by one, I have ticked off things from my bucket list and with each tick I feel good about it ‘cus these things are more than posting dope pictures on the gram. All these things are being done for me. Most times, travel serves as escape from my reality. It helps keep me sane when it feels like my world is imploding and I feel like I’m drowning, fighting so hard to survive and get ashore so I can breathe. When everything feels grey and I feel like life is really overwhelming, just one trip and I feel alive again.

Photography comes as a bonus with my travels. I have a deep passion for photography and I still hope that someday I will be able to attend an extended course in photography but for now I think I need more of travels to keep me sound and feeling alive.

Talking about travels, I’m glad July is over. I plan on chilling through August while I wait patiently for September ‘cus annual leave yo! Yea I know... After all my travels this year I still have full annual leave?  Hehehe... I get that a lot from my colleagues at work. Thanks to travel blogs I have read, I got the tip about planning travels around public holidays and we all know how we have quite a lot of that in Nigeria.

The plan to chill through August is centred mostly around music. I’m still stuck on the new Daughtry Album while I anticipate more album releases next month. Some albums I’m looking forward to include Kodaline (August 10^th), Jason Mraz (August 10^th), Death Cab for Cutie (August 17), Troye Sivan (Bloom) and Bastille.

So growth eh? One aspect of my life I’m consciously working on is how to stay calm and not feel a thing.  Remember that post about stuff spoiling around me? Then it got to a stage where I began to feel overwhelmed?

I’m learning this thing where I don’t let stuff stress me anymore. When stuff happens, I say it’s just money needed to fix it…then I move on, no stress or worries. Like Uche tweeted recently (well he now prefers being called Paul ever since he went to the abroad) – ‘I don’t know how to be upset for long anymore. I’m always like, ‘okay it has happened, next.’ No time crying over spilled milk” - @scultator

Aside this, I’m also trying to master separating various aspects of my life. Learning how to carry on and be functional even if stuff isn’t working well on one hand; say maybe at work or professional exams results come out disappointing or family issues.

Before, when something happens I allow it ruin every other aspect of my life and get me down but now I try to ignore that down part and forge on being happy and thankful for the other aspects of life that things are going on fine. Ignoring the bad and focusing on the good, hoping that soon enough all the lines shall fall in pleasant places.

“It takes a lot of strength to be able to keep all the different parts of your life separated, not letting an issue on one part affect another.” - @terhso

Watching myself learn about life and grow into a better man is quite something. Even though it’s a long road but it’s all worth it. 

ZANZIBAR (HAKUNA MATATA)

Blue skies, turquoise-blue water with sun rays warming your skin…

I’ve long dreamed of savouring such scenery. I finally got the chance with @socialprefecttours

Zanzibar has been among my top travel destinations and it was fulfilling visiting.

Awesome Travel Buddies

Zanzibar is a semi-autonomous island of the United Republic of Tanzania. They have their own President, though they are still under the President of Tanzania. The language spoken is Swahili, though some locals speak English but not fluently. The currency is Tanzanian Shilling. Most of the locals are Muslims. There are just two churches in Zanzibar.

One of the two churches in Zanzibar

Our first stop was Stone Town. Here we got to see the House of wonder, it’s called so due to it being the first building in Zanzibar to have electricity, flowing water and elevator. The streets of Stone Town are very narrow with lots of winding lanes, carved doorways with almost all the houses having shops attached to them due to the historic trade center status of Stone Town. Driving here is right hand.

Stone Town

Sharwama Spot

Maru Maru Hotel

Taking in the Sunset

Dinner time

The second day we went for Safari Blue tour, where we went snorkeling. This is one activity I have long wanted to do. I got so hyped about this trip because of it and had to buy a go-pro camera to capture myself with the fishes. Totally worth it!

Prepping for snokerling

   

    I brought my own sand to the beach...

Third day was spent touring Prison Island and Spice farm. At Prison Island, we saw lots of tortoise ranging from very young to over a hundred and fifty years old. At the spice farm we saw various spice plants and shrubs and also the end products from them which were on sale. 

Prison Island

The Locals turned us to Wakanda Kings at the spice farm

Views...

We spent the fourth day at the Emerald Dream of Zanaibar resort. This was the perfect place to relax after all the touring the previous days. The scenery was top notch, the sumptuous buffet (I finally ate octopus) and beach side with its beautiful sandbar.

 

I walked into the ocean and was able to see the ocean floor clearly. I saw urchins (you don’t want to step on them) and I finally saw and held Star fishes. I also saw luminous fish. Exploring the sandbar/ocean was another highlight of the trip.

Hakuna Matata

          

Ocean floor

Sea Urchin

Oh did I forget to mention we had two night stopovers in Ethiopia? I never knew Ethiopia was a cold country. Like so damn cold, the hotels don’t even have Air conditioners installed. One weird thing though about Ethiopia is the old model of cars I saw being used (this one really surprised me and I can bet most millennia’s had not been born when those models were in vogue).

Old model car in the background

 

This trip was everything I hoped for and more…and I have to give full credit to the @socialprefecttours team for yet again, another wonderful travel experience.

JINXED?

N.B – This post is majorly about me lamenting/letting stuff out as my head is literally about to explode!

I’m usually not the superstitious guy but damn…I’m fast beginning to think something is up with me. Following my last post where I expressed how overwhelming it began to feel as stuff kept going wrong and I had to keep spending money fixing them, I thought it had stopped and I could breathe again…but alas! not so…

Right now, at this very moment, it doesn’t feel any better. Heck, I am actually scared low key that I have probably been jinxed. I thought it was just April, but after the crap that just happened some hours ago, my mind did a little travel down memory lane and I realized this whole phase actually did start late February when one dude rammed into my car with full speed causing considerable damage to the vehicle.

I remembering not allowing it bother me and abandoning the car for a while. I took it as one of those things, you know, life happens et al. I refused to worry about it or obsess about where I’ll get funds to fix the car. This was me growing up and not allowing shit get to me anymore, but then it’s like life has decided to test my resolve. It’s been one damage after another…the pressure building up, like I’m being pushed till I eventually break.

I have lost count of the number of things I have had to fix in a few months but I sure do I know I have spent quite a lot. Is it the car that initially kept developing faults back to back? Or the time one of the fuse in my apartment blew? affecting the wiring and I end up almost burning my bed when the extension wire caught fire?  Or the day my rechargeable fan suddenly packed up or my electronic television stand that went off, or when the wine cellar fell twice and the parlour was filled with the strong stench of vodka for a week after losing three full bottles, or the television battery that zapped, or the aquarium lights that suddenly refused to light up again…

See ehn, at first I took all this as normal life happenings, part of adulthood where you keep getting those annoying expenses. But then, the rate at which they are happening in quick succession since February has got my head spinning 360 degrees right now. I remember the night I was talking with Okeo and I was like, I’m scared of touching my laptop before that one too would spoil…arrrrrrgh!!

It may seem I’m being dramatic but seriously it’s getting freaky and annoying all at the same time and also quite devastating on my pocket especially now that I have a lot of funds loaned out and it seems my ‘trusted’ friends have all held a meeting to not repay my monies as promised.

I’m going to digress and trash out this thing that has been bugging me for a while now. One thing I have come to realize for real is that one of the major problems of adult friendship is money. I’m almost reaching the resolve that before I lend someone money I would have to weigh what’s more important to me – the friendship or the money?

See it’s not even about the money, it could be 5 naira or it could as well be a million naira, but that breach of trust, the disappointing realization that the person was not worth it, that feeling when someone you trusted enough to loan your hard end funds refuses to pay back or they carry on like they never gave you a committed time frame to pay back or they wait for you to ask first and then they start posting you endlessly. It becomes so annoying, you begin to regret why you even helped them out in the first place.

Some things I can overlook, but being that guy who is very big on trust, this is one fast way to burn the bridge with me. It sucks when money becomes the reason why you can no longer trust a friend and they leave a bitter experience with you that it erodes whatever good memory of friendship you guys once shared.

I work with that principle of not lending out money I know I can’t dash out but then again, I have realised that it doesn’t help change the feeling of being betrayed or prevent me from changing the poor perception I develop about the person. Even when I write off the debt, mostly for my peace of mind, that friendship never remains the same. Once the trust is gone, everything is lost. Integrity is almost everything…

Even if you don’t have the money to repay, courtesy demands the least you can do is inform the person from time to time and apologise for the delay. And most importantly actually show effort and will that you are working towards repaying the loan genuinely. I really don’t get how certain people sleep well at night being awful to people who cared enough to be nice to them. Really sad.

Anyway back to my woes. I stepped out of the house this morning about to go to the office. I opened my car door from the passenger side only to see the window on the driver’s side scattered all over the car seats. How did this happen? No one knows. Even the person operating the mower said he didn’t know as he was far from where the car was parked. That’s the only thing I can figure out as the explanation cus that glass wasn’t cracked. The supposed stone that most have blasted from beneath the fans of the mower is nowhere to be found inside the car or outside it. This just reminds me of last December when we woke up to see the same car's windshield smashed by a bullet. How that happened, no one knows till date.

When I saw the pieces of glass on the seats, my spirit went weak. When would all this end? This is happening barely two weeks after my less than five months phone got damaged without explanation. This is the first time my phone won’t last more than two years. I have tried everything to fix it but because the phone model came out last year, the parts are currently not in the market. I’m still dealing with how to get cash to replace the phone only to incur another shitty expense I am so not ready for!

It’s like I’m currently stuck in my own special Friday the 13^th where everything that could go wrong has been going wrong. Only this Friday 13^th seems to be lasting over several months. I stared at the mess and mehn, I realised I am beyond tired. I’ve practically given up. I just stared and all I could say was thank you God for this, it could have been worse.

What’s next? My laptop? My camera? *sigh

I felt weak and spiritless…this is me saying Jesus take the wheel. God knows I have had enough with the back to back unexpected expenses and I’m confused as to why it’s happening in quick successions. It’s been quite inconveniencing and annoying to say the least. I’m here praying this ends already ‘cus I could use a break.

Feels like I should just pack a few stuff, escape to somewhere safe…somewhere nothing can go wrong and be at peace.

I need to go rest my head now ‘cus I think I have a headache…

SURVIVOR

April...this month almost had me but God’s Mercies kept me.

I sank low, I got to my breaking point and almost lost it.

The month started well though I sensed the first few weeks would be tough but I never expected it to be as horrible as it turned out to be. I had a professional exam coming up second week of the month and I wasn't fully prepared. I had pending issues I was yet to sort out at work also. One or two more issues came up to add to my already filled hands. Slowly it began to feel like each day came with its own trouble. I told two of my friends about it and how it seemed I was living one week one trouble and asked they prayed for me. I may have sounded hysterical to them but I knew where I was headed wasn’t a good place.

I could feel the pressure building. I worked on my mind, trying to be brave and not worry but slowly life began to get overwhelming. I shut social media accounts down partially so I could concentrate on my exams. In between dealing with the stress of exam preparation there was an issue at work I desperately needed to sort out, heck two major ones. One really would have rocked my world and changed a whole lot of things for me.

I shoved everything aside. I pseudo-secluded myself from people. After four days of professional exams, I was drained. Exams were over and I was back to reality. I had to face the issues one by one. I reactivated my instagram account, the chats started coming and I felt like a stranger even to myself. I couldn’t bring myself to handle conversations. I felt distant from everyone and like, I was lost even to myself.

More issues kept coming up, both work related and domestic issues. Things were going wrong left, right, center and the bills started piling. I felt suffocated and wanted to scream out, tear out of the web of woes that seemed to overwhelm me. It was like, as I’m tackling one, another is coming up.

When it all got too much for me, after trying to carry on and be brave, I grew weary and headed towards self-destruction.

I was trying to get back to myself, trying to reignite conversations with good friends, trying to feel normal but my relationship was worst hit and I almost threw away seven good months of my life! We basically broke up actually, but then I knew I didn't want that even if I was pretending I was fine. I wanted to start a fire, something to make me feel real pain, to break me even further and get me vexed…I was a host of confused feeling and emotions. I needed a distraction and sabotaging my relationship was the distraction. Luckily I back tracked before the damage became permanent.

Things got better third week. I felt the worst was over and I could breathe again. But April really wasn't done with me. I fell ill and had to be off work for two days. There was one of the nights I felt so sick, I thought that was it, death had come for me. I was so ill, by 3am I had to call my H.M.O for a hospital…

I survived the illness. I recovered.

In all of this madness, I contemplated closing this blog, shutting down my instagram account, deleting my Facebook profile. I wanted seclusion. I felt I couldn't breathe but then I told myself I’m stronger than this. I saw a tweet where one guy was like deleting your social media accounts doesn't help. I was pleased to see people’s reply to him educating him that it's a start to recovery.

Some of us like to vent, or rant about how we feel. We do it on social media without necessarily having to bother anyone. But in as much we do this, it's critical not to put your private life out there because people are mean and just want to use your issues to distract themselves from their own misery. They start hurting you with their ignorant opinions and lack of empathy. They twists your words, undermine your pain and throw silly advice your way and this even drowns you more and works up your nerves. See, there are lots of damaged people out there looking for entertainment, so in as much as you need to let things out you have to protect yourself.

I removed all my pictures on instagram and I felt better a bit. Can’t explain it but it sure did me good and I could breathe. I tweeted less, I chatted less on Whatsapp, Facebook has been practically dead to me kinda. Just one day I got caught up in my feelings, I was silent at work and my colleague noticed. Normally I don't let it show at work, infact I still go about looking for trouble and teasing everyone, smiling and joking without anyone noticing.

Oh, then Saturday 28th happened. I was either going to come out alive or April was going to consume me. But I’m here today and I’m thankful.

How everything went south I still can't understand.  I panicked yea, I was tired and wanted an instant solution and ended up aggravating the whole thing. My God! I almost lost it finally. We focus so much on the person who is ill that we forget about the toll it takes on the caregivers. Years of watching a loved one go in and out of the hospital on a regular can wear one out just as much.

I went so low and my mind drifted to the dark side.I got so weak mentally, it affected me physically as well. I couldn’t even stand properly ‘cus it felt like my soul was leaving me. 

My world was spinning and my mind kept thinking if I wasn't born wouldn't it have been better? If I died would that not be the sweetest relief? The world was on me and I knew I needed help so I called Dr. Uyi, and I appreciate him so much for being there. Even though he just got home from playing tennis, he still drove down to meet me. I poured it all out and I found peace. We were in a quiet garden talking, then I slept off.

Just the few minutes I was asleep, all was right with the world. To think few minutes ago while taking a turn into the express way, I thought just how peaceful it would be if the oncoming vehicle would smash into my car and end it all.

I woke up. Few seconds later I was back to reality and I remembered my troubles. We talked for more hours, tried to distract myself and I got better. I couldn't and still can't thank him enough for helping to save me. I went home feeling lighter and better. I even forgot I was supposed to be at work that day.

I thought of resigning from my job, canceling all my travel plans for the year, secluding myself and run away to wherever and just be at peace. Then the word dropped which I have been repeating to myself- the trial of your faith worketh patience. Even if I lose it all right now, I know I’ll be fine and I know God is in control.

All my issues may not have been sorted yet, but there’s been great progress and I know in due time, the lines would all fall in pleasant places. Life may be hard and difficult but then the trial of our faith worketh patience!

I’m thankful for the hard times, I’m also thankful for the happy times. It's all a learning process and mostly I’m thankful for all my friends who’ve been there for me and not letting me go even when I seclude myself…

I lay on my bed last night and then I remembered this 1981 song by Tim Sheppard – He will carry you. My dad used to play it on those old phonograph record player.

He will carry you, He will carry you, Shine His love on you

When you've given up He will lift you up,

Wrap His arms around you

When you can't go on He will make you strong

Never let you go

He will carry you no matter how heavy your load

And even though He loves you so

You gotta take a lotta heartache if you ever wanna grow

So don't give in to the fears within

You gotta He'll be there to catch you when you're falling

He'll never turn away when He hears you calling

He will carry you – Tim Sheppard