MY FAVOURITE WORDS OF MEREDITH GREY (2)

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can’t help but talk about. Some things we just don’t want to hear, and some things we say because we can’t be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say. They’re what you do. Some things you say because you have no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, like it or not. But here’s the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie.

Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We can’t help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you’ve crossed, it’s impossible to go back. But if you do manage to make it back across the line, you find safety in numbers.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired; we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freaking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

MY FAVOURITE WORDS OF MEREDITH GREY

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it’s usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I’ve decided; there’s no such thing as a grown-up. We move out, we move away from our families. But the basic insecurities, the fears and all the old wounds just grow up with us. Just when you think life has forced you to truly become an adult, your mother says something like that. We get bigger, taller, older. But, for the most part, we’re still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in.

We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still, the expected’s just the beginning; the unexpected is what changes our lives.

Deep down everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact, there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely.

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

SOME WORDS ON PAIN

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they are afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they are wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain. – Jim Morrison

People fear death even more than pain. It’s strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend… – Jim Morrison

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can’t outrun it and life always makes more – Meredith Grey (Grey’s anatomy)

What’s worse? New wounds which are horribly painful or old wounds that should’ve healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach s something. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach s lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again – Meredith Grey (Grey’s anatomy)

Every day we get to give the gift of life, it can be painful, it can be terrifying, but in the end it’s worth it. Every time. We all have the opportunity to give. Maybe the gifts are not as dramatic as what happens in the operating room, maybe the gift it to try and make a simple apology, maybe it’s to understand another person’s point of view, maybe it’s to hold a secret for a friend. The joy supposedly is in the giving, so when the joy is gone when the giving starts to feel more like a burden that’s when you stop. But if you’re like most people I know, you give till it hurts, and then you give some more – Meredith Grey (Grey’s anatomy)

The Curse Called Love

Out of sight they say is out of mind. This can be understood from two different views but I go with the understanding that says when you are apart from someone you gradually forget them.

Sometimes you wonder how it is that you feel so strongly about one particular person and you just can't seem to shake off the feeling.

It's very easy to tell your self 'I don't want who doesn't want me'. But your heart just has a way of making a mockery of you.

Moving on is a choice but truly the heart has a mind of it's own. You know you shouldn't feel a particular way, that you should move on and let go. But still there's something drawing you back to that one person.

So many others are there longing for your attention and love, but no, there just has to be that one person who doesn't even give a damn about you that your heart chooses to love.

You feel foolish. This isn't you. Normally you are the one they cry over, the one that they chase. Not the one who chases after.

Feels like you should just turn off that switch and let all you feel die. You look at the one your heart beats for, the one who says they just want to be friends and you wonder do they really feel nothing?
Are they just playing hard to get? Is it all just a game to them?

You feel special, yes, you know your worth and the long list of those you can easily have but why is it that this particular person isn't under your charm?

Feels like a puzzle, a challenge...only makes you want them more. After all nothing of great value comes easy. Only you just might be under a curse of falling for those you can't have.

Love hurts. Worse, love becomes a curse when the very one you love treats you the very way you treated all those who loved you but your heart just didn't beat same way as theirs.

Love's a curse when you are one of the unlucky ones who takes months to move on. Such a big curse when you can't be just friends with certain persons. No in the middle; you are either lovers or strangers. No such thing as let's be friends.

It hurts letting down your pride to chase after them, but at times you just have to stop and walk away. Let it hurt, let it burn...in time you'll finally move on and get better.

But first you have to bear the pain of the curse of love, when you tell the one who holds your heart that they have to stay away and give you time to move on.

Silently you wish they'll say no, and say they can't be away but then the words 'message received, I'll stay away' crushes you. Not because it's not the reply you hoped for but because its all so familiar. The very same reply you gave to all those who loved you but you just didn't feel same about them.

That moment tables are turned and you are in their shoes. That very moment you know exactly how unimportant you are to the one your heart beats for because you know how saying those words to others was easy for you because their professed love meant absolutely nothing to you. That realization kills you even faster.

You know how easy it was for you to give them space and let them go because they meant absolutely nothing to you. Infact, you felt relief when they asked for space. They were hurting but you were happy.

You know it all too well, hearing those words being said to you...the pain, it's unexpressable...

Today I came across a very beautiful facebbok status update by Stanley Azuakola which says - 'what if there was a drug one could take to fall out of love, will you approve of it's use?
If the pill could make you fall out of love with an abusive husband (or wife), or adulterous love, or suicidal love, or incestuous love, or paedophilia, or gay love (or straight love). Will you approve of it? Will you use it?'

Is that a yes? Did I just hear you say pass me an over dose of the pill?

Like I once wrote, I think the ability to move on is one of the greatest gift given to us humans. Imagine what it would be like, if we were only able to fall in love with just only one person in our life time...

Well, what do I know? I am but just a kid...

PHASES

'Life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago' - Switchfoot (twenty four).

Few months ago I felt low. I kept telling myself - 'this isn't where I ought to be'. I was surrounded by everything I felt I didn't need. There was a change in the kind of persons I normally communicate with. I had time on my hands. I slept, ate, listened to music, wrote, watched movies, series and read books, novels and newspapers. I even had time to watch television! I added 10kg! Me add weight? That's top news of the year.

Over four months gone and I feel like a whirlwind has transported me to another planet.

'Becareful what you wish for, 'cuz you just might get it all and some you don't want' - Daughtry (Home). I finally got my wish for a change. I longed for purpose, for an opportunity to better myself and put my skills to work. I needed to feel useful. I got my wish and I dare say it came along with somethings I didn't want.

These past few days; twenty four hours seem like just ten hours. It's that bad that I can't even take time out to listen to my playlist. Even a close friend had to ping me on blackberry messenger and tease me that she doesn't see my status messages and display picture updates anymore. It feels like someone else is living my life. I never understood what people meant by the phrase 'life on a fast lane.' That's my reality now. Scary when I remember the lyrics 'living in a fast lane? See when you crash' - Beyonce (Schooling life).

It's funny how we make plans about how our life will be, but then nature/life/fate has a way of making a mockery of our plans. Sort of like no one can ever have it all. You either choose one and forego the other. These past few months have really been crazy, such that I have only Sundays free. During the week I am cut off from the world for the most part of each day. Then the scary thought comes, 'have I chosen career over love?' I tell myself there is time for everything, that this is what I want and where I need to be in order to arrive at the big picture.

I remember how I was so focused on my studies in the University. Everyone complained I didn't have a life. I said all that could wait, that during my service year I'll build a social life. Then service came, and I said after service; I needed to focus on my professional examinations. Now after service, still I barely have a social life!
In fact, I am that place where it feels like I can barely breathe, where every second counts. The fear of failure is now a motivation for success. 'Feels like I am trying to breathe under water' - Kris Allen (I need to know).
Balance, how do I balance my life?

In all, looking at where I was and where I am now, I would pick where I am a hundred times over where I was. I am grateful for where I am now. All I need now is to try and balance things. Who I am, who I am not and who I want to be...

It's amazing how time passes by. Each time I see secondary school students in their uniforms, I get amazed at how far God has brought me through life. How I have grown from being that little kid with no care in the world to that confused teenager trying to find out who he really was to that undergraduate who strived to graduate with a good result. Now I am that young adult trying to build a career and make sense out of this thing called life. *sigh

In all honesty, I am not sure I am ready to be an adult. Being a kid/teenager was so much safer. Now I have to take full responsibility for every action. This is me, I mean lil me in this big world. *shivers

Before I hated changed but I got the opportunity to read the book 'who moved my cheese' by Spencer Johnson and I had a paradigm shift, so to say. The easiest way to live and succeed in life is to anticipate, accept and move with change.

Truly, life is in phases. I am in a new phase of my life, hopefully the picture shall get clearer with time and things shall fall into place one step at a time...

FOR HER...

In life, there are joys, there are pains

And everything in-between

There are times when everything seems to fall in place

And times when nothing adds up

Confused, miserable, down and torn

I gaze into the haze

My heart wrings

No one knows unerringly just how I feel

Alone in this world

Forced to endure it all

I try to stand, to be tough

A crushing sadness

I reminiscence, pondering-

‘Where did I err?’

‘What road led me here?’

I used to have it all figured out

But now I can barely recognise my life

I question my proficiencies

Am I still who I once was?

Can I ever get back to me?

Those times when everything seemed to be spot-on

This thing called reality

Life has given it a new meaning -

''A place where those who work hard aren't necessarily the ones who get the best of things''

Oh! How I have hurt

How I have been bruised

How I have been hit, fallen and smashed

Crushed, broken and bruised

Several times I try to get back up

Hardly on my feet

Yet a storm blows me down again

For how long will this linger?

These icy, solitary days

Music has become my only true companion

Let me bleed

Let the tears stream

Let the pain wash over me

Someday I'll smile again

Not a smile I'll have to fake

For now I'll take my hits

I'll fall to rise tougher

This is me finding my way through life

Serenity, tranquillity, time, patience

All I need

Someday, I'll smile...peace in my storm

MY BOSS' WIFE

It’s with shame and regre I write this story. I got exactly what I deserved. I played with fire and I got burnt. Luckily for me, I would be discharged from the hospital by the weekend. The injuries I sustained were not quite serious, just a broken arm and leg with a few bruises but believe me when I say I have learnt my lesson.

My trip down the valley of iniquity all began the week I resumed work at my place of primary assignment for the NYSC scheme. I was posted to a private publishing firm. My assigned duty was that of the personal assistant to the editor-in-chief. I was to share a fairly large office with the secretary, who I was yet to meet as she was said to be on leave but would resume the day I too would resume work after being accepted by the firm.

I walked briskly into the office that fateful Monday morning looking smart in my light blue long-sleeved shirt neatly tucked into a black vickers trouser with a dark blue tie to match. I was ready for work. Having a relationship was the last thing on my mind as I had decided to focus on building myself and developing my career. All this plans were totally forgotten the minute I stepped into the office.

There she sat, an angel in human form. She smiled at me from across the desk, and said hello. Boy! I was smitten by her impeccable looks. Her smile could light up the entire universe. She belonged up there in the skies. Her voice soft as summer rain. Her eyes were calling me to her. I responded with a nod and said good morning. We introduced our selves. 

Her name was Vera.

I was sure about one thing; I was going to sweat each blessed day because my desk was exactly opposite hers. Mine by the door way and hers was at the front of the window. Our office was on the second floor of a twelve storey building. Though on the second floor, we could still enjoy the view out the window. Trees were planted at the back of the office with well trimmed grasses planted on the expansive field.

Normally, I am not the kind of guy to stare but I couldn’t get my eyes off of her. She was an epitome of beauty. When she talked, her lips moved seductively, inviting me to brush mine against hers. I watched her closely, and then I noticed a ring on her fourth left finger. I asked her if she was married. Her answer threw me off balance. Not only was she married, she was the wife of my boss!

The first week was hard. I couldn’t concentrate on my work. She had totally taken over my thoughts. I was deep in lust. She was young and barely twenty six. Why on earth did she marry an old man? My boss would be fifty three the following month. She caught me staring at her several times; each time she smiled back at me shyly. We fast became friends and usually had lunch together. We talked about everything, laughed and giggled like best friends, though trying to remain discrete to prevent co-workers from thinking any unholy relationship was on between us, though once in a while we flirted.

I was gradually falling for her but I knew I couldn’t act on my feelings; she was the boss’ wife! I resolved to die in silence. Two months had already passed, remaining nine more months to work in the office. I could do it.

Then came the dark Tuesday. My boss had to close early because he was meeting a friend who just flew into town, so he left the office in our care. Thirty minutes after he left, she looked up at me. The top button of her blouse was open, revealing her luscious cleavage. Suddenly, the air became tense. She looked hot, even hotter and sexier than I had ever noticed. My temperature increased. Not even the blasting air condition could prevent sweat form streaking down my face.

I felt a bulge rising beneath my belt but I decided to ignore it. She got up from her chair, walked over to the front of her desk and sat on it facing me. She wore a short skirt which exposed her long slender legs, so smooth and clean shaved. The heat was on. Sex was in the air. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted her. I needed to taste her and ravish her that minute.

She looked straight at me, maintaining eye contact. I could tell she wanted me. I walked towards her and she let out a sigh immediately she saw the physical evidence that I longed for her pushing hard against my trouser zip. I held her waist, parting her legs with my right foot. 

She scented good, her lips so tender and succulent. She placed a gentle kiss on my lips. Our eyes closed as we journeyed into another realm. I took her lips in, kissing her hard and deep. Fire ignited through me as my tongue touched hers.

I worked my hand into her blouse, releasing the hook of her bra at her back. I cupped her breasts with my hands, filling her up. She drove her hands gently down my trouser zip, teasing me. Then she grabbed my butt, pulling me closer to her. I was ready to explode. I covered her neck with kisses; she released soft moans igniting the fire that burned between us the more. In a few seconds we were both naked. Hearts racing, desire burning and hormones running wild.

She grabbed the back of my neck, pulled my head against her neck whispering into my ears… “Love me, make love to me”

Who was I to refuse?

Her hands began working their way down my stomach, caressing my skin. Quickly, I lay her down on her desk, moving slowly with the precision of a stalking predator. I kissed her on her eye lids, pecking her lips. Her long neck got a nice working of my hot tongue. It sent shivers all around her body. Slowly my lips worked down to her breasts, sucking at the darkened and already erect nipples. She went wild from the crazy sensations. Grabbing my hand, she thrust it at her mound of dark and glistening curly hairs... “Work me baby” she moaned. I obliged, slipping a finger deep into her already wet body. She screamed and jerked. She swirled, and turned, swirling gently as my finger moved in and out of her.

By the time I entered her, thrusting my full rod of masculine ego into her, she was already over the mountains of pleasure. I moved slowly at first, gradually increasing my pace. She screamed “faster!” Moaning and holding her desk firmly. This was pleasure at its peak. I was in cloud nine and about to climax.

Then, the office door swung open and there stood my boss, standing stone dead in shock. 

His eye balls bulging in horror as if they were about to pop out of their sockets. We all looked at each other in grave silence. He walked out banging the door loudly behind him.

I was about running off to get my clothes when she grabbed my hand and said, “We’ve already been caught, we might as well enjoy it to the fullest”.

My body charged again, this time I took her in and ravaged her ruthlessly, sending her to heaven and hell, back and forth over and over with each movement of my waist, pleasure exploding all over us.

After several minutes of waiting outside the office for us to get dressed and come out in shame, I guess my boss began to lose patience when we still didn’t come out. He busted into the office only to find us once again in the act. 

He was mad, he had totally lost it. He charged towards me in rage, pushing me out the window. My body shattered the glass and I was sent falling to the ground. Luckily for me, I landed on top of a tree shrub, naked and unconscious.