SHIT GOT REAL...

I feel like I need to take stock of my life. Feels like things are moving, no spinning out of control and I am powerless. I know I have issues, or like Dr. Owen once said, maybe my issues have me, but this place where I am right now...I really don’t know.

I need to relax somewhere quiet, somewhere sane away from all the noise and everyone and just think. Just try and figure it out and get back the reins of my life because right now it seems as though, someone else is living my life.

Maybe I do get touchy, I know I do and it’s the little things ‘normal’ people overlook that gets to me more. I don’t know why. Things that people might tolerate from friends, those things I can easily take from strangers but when it’s someone close or a friend, it hurts me so much and it’s so hard for me to let go and move on.

Stuff just messes with my head, makes my head spin and I start shutting down, trying to process or understand why I got treated that way. I start looking for that thin line between being rational and irrational, the thin line between wisdom and emotions.

Little things you expect from friends, things strangers don’t even think twice about before doing for you but a close friends drags his feet and I try to reason if I were in same shoes would I have dragged my feet? Generally, I am not a people person, I am shy and complicated but some people just have a way of finding their way to my heart. Some with ease some not so easily. When I get comfortable around you, I let my guard down completely and foolishly let you in fully. Holding nothing back and that’s when you see the all smiling crazy, weird Princely that’s an amazing company to have around. And then the line gets crossed, say a colleague at works plays a fast one on me or colleagues I laugh with and joke with (I mean, the job is killing enough one has to find ways to ease the pressure, can’t be all so serious). But then things are taken too far and the time for serious ish is forgotten and it seems you have lost your importance and now being taken for granted. Stuff like that makes me shut down totally and hardly do I recover (well after a while, time fixes everything I normally do but it never remains the same because that scar is there.) it’s always going to be at the back of my mind and my guard would never be let down again. One has to protect his reputation and self pride. Very key!
This is what happens when boundaries are not set.
 "In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We can’t help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you’ve crossed, it’s impossible to go back." - Meredith Grey

If only it were possible for one to take time out from reality, just take a breather and sort it all out. I feel like I should just think and figure out what next and deal with all this once and for all and know this is what’s what now and henceforth this is how and how I shall do. No regrets, no feelings, just live and know it’s work and work as so. See the thing is, I have been scarred while working out of Lagos. The people I worked with then left a mark on me.

No one can be trusted in this business, it’s all survival of the fittest and everyone to him/her self. Yes they preach team work but that’s only practiced when someone needs a favour from you. When it comes to the real koko, you are on your own. So I changed location and everything seemed different and felt this is not Lagos where everyone’s eye dey shook. But lately, I have realized my mistake. Truth is, self survival and selfishness is just a normal human nature regardless of location.

Mehn...I got played. I got real played but it’s all cool. I kinda let it go before but the effect has begun to show and now I am not okay anymore and I am not even trying to force it or pretend. I don’t even know how to pretend or hide the way if feel and I won’t start now. I have been wronged yea, it might have been her sweat but we had a deal and I helped her too in other deals. I mean we had a deal and time for her to do her part I got double crossed for the most ridiculous reason ever. Anyway lesson learnt. Everyone to him/her self. I can’t be laughing and playing friends with someone, while they stay stabbing me at the back.

So easy for me to agree to do shii for her but when I need help I need to give reasons and say it several times before a muscle is even moved. Anyway I just shut down (my typical way), now dealing strictly on professional terms only. I won’t stay deceiving myself we are friends when clearly I am just being used. What she did hurt then but as the effects now keep staring at my face each day, I just keep having this sickening reminder of how toxic the environment was in Lagos. Really, it’s sad how we all want to get ahead even though those we work with are crashing. I just hope I don’t get infected with such attitude.

See, I admit I have my own short comings, I am not perfect but I doubt i have double crossed anyone. For years now I have been trying to wrap my head around this scripture – “do unto others what you want others to do to you.”
From my life experiences I can only say it’s just to guide us and make the world a better place to live in if we all obeyed it. Most people think the scripture is trying to say if we don’t do certain things to people it won’t be done to us. I doubt that’s what it says because honestly, it’s the things I can’t and don’t do to people that people keep doing to me.

There’s so much to life than work but seems I am the only one who sees that. Nothing is permanent and we don’t know where we shall meet tomorrow. Well, it’s not for me to preach. Anyway I have already applied for my leave. I Can’t wait to get out of the system for a while. I seriously need out. Kinda like I should go on recess and reboot. I feel worn out or should I say ‘burned’ out. I just need release. Hoping the time away would make me miss work and long for it because truly I just come because I have to be here not like I am motivated to be here or anything.

I'm out...

SOMETHING ON LOVE

Finally you have all you’ve longed for and things are beginning to make sense after a tough period. Career wise, things are looking better. Financially, you are in a comfortable place. Generally, you feel successful and on the right track. You are grateful for where you are now.

Then it suddenly hits you – there’s really no one to share all this success with. You look back and realize that in pursuit of a future, you somewhat succeeded in alienating yourself and probably let the human part of you die, sort of. The darkness looms and you begin to feel down.

Well, sooner than you hoped for, fate smiles on you. You meet someone. A new friendship starts. Nothing really special, just the normal talks, chats and laughter and the whole process of getting to know someone new.

Soon enough you realize it was a friendship bound to happen someday; you both share lots of mutual friends. The bond of friendship gets stronger. Even in your busy schedules you both make out time to see yourselves each day - early in the mornings before serious work starts and late in the evenings after close of business. Sometimes, if you are lucky, you get to see mid day.

Gradually, that part of you that died begins to awaken and one day, you realize you’ve begun to feel again. You smile more, you feel at home with your new friend, you can’t wait for close of work to talk and walk to the bust stop together. You are alive again.

You meet one of your mutual friends and gush about this new friend you’ve made. Your friend sees the glow in your face, the sparkle in your eyes and passion in your smile as you go on and on. The signs are all there. You have fallen in love without even noticing.

Your friend shakes his head and tells you point blank- you are in love. You pause; maybe even cringe at the thought. You ask yourself silently, ‘me in love?” seems odd. You stay silent and ponder. The truth stares you in the face and then you blush.

Could you really be in love?

Next day comes and you begin to look at your new friend with a different eye. Everything seems to have changed. Truly, you are in love. Over several meets the thought hangs in there but you don’t want to move too fast for fear of ruining what you have. You begin to look for reasons why it won't work out between you two. You find some, but they are trivial issues. Your normal ‘runaway’ nature kicks in...your fear of commitment starts working over time.

Finally, you grow a pair and express how you feel. Lucky you, you are not a loner in love. The feeling is mutual. You want more, you want to feel her lips and hold onto her. You want to express your care. You dream of how your first kiss will be, epic hopefully. Each time you try, but each time she holds back. You confront her, thinking she has a boyfriend.

What she tells you gets your head spinning. You aren’t expecting such a reply. Heck! You have never heard of such before. She says she’s in a program and to be successful she has promised herself to God not to get involved with anyone or get intimate in any manner. Not even a kiss!

Sex was never on your mind. Just cuddling, kissing, going out on dates and bonding. You think about it and you realize in a certain way, you've found someone who’s not into the whole physical ish. She actually wants something more valuable. You ask her out officially and she says what's the difference between what you people have going on (talks, chats, meeting, walks). What's really going to change now? But she doesn’t get it. The feeling of it all being exclusive, the feeling of knowing this is officially my special one…

You remember the movie – Think like a man. The whole Megan Good’s 90days rule. Maybe this is what you need to finally get it right for once. No rush, just knowing yourself truly, in and out for some months. The wait would be worth it.

Everything goes on well afterwards, though you try to tone down your feeling. But one day you slip and say the words ‘I love you'. Surprisingly, she says the words back. You can't even describe the feeling. Totally made the world to you!

Then something happens (as they always do). Situation changes and that very thing that ruined all your previous attempts at love in the past comes again.

Distance!

You might have to change location soon but you are not so sure. Once again, just when you think you’ve finally gotten it right, long distance seems to destroy it again. You know the drill, you can't do long distance. The pain that comes with it, just too much for you to bear. And then it starts all over again – you begin to withdraw from her. Better to step back now than continue and fall even harder.

You are still not sure if you are moving, but most likely you might. This hurts and shatters you. For once, you met the right one. One who isn't into the physical, one you could really relate to and suddenly it’s all threatened. Your old self kicks in. So you run….

The only way you can deal is to lock yourself in and stay away. The hurt kills you, you miss her but somethings about love you still haven't come to understand. All you think about is being with her, spending a whole day with her. What’s she doing now? Does she miss you as much as you miss her? Or does she even miss you at all? You wish things could be easier. Why must distance ruin this? So close, yet so far.

You console yourself with the cliché ‘time heals’. Just like the others heartaches, you’ll heal from this or maybe this might just be the final nail on the coffin and you just might never recover and never feel again.

Just maybe, maybe things may get better and you’d not have to move or maybe still, it’s all part of the learning process…one thing feels sure, you've lost her, hopefully not forever… Someday fate might bring you guys back again.

THE POWER OF THE TONGUE

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump out of the pit with all of their might. The group of frogs kept telling them to stop because they were as good as dead.

Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died. The second frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out.

You see this frog was deaf, unable to hear what the others were saying. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches a lesson...."You will have to live with the consequences of everything you say. What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words" (Proverbs 18: 20,21).

There is the power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift him up and help him make it through the day. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill his joy. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path.

The power of words... an encouraging word can go such a long way. May your words be a blessing to someone today. Culled from the Daily Encourager

BrEakiNg YoUr oWn hEaRt

Is it possible to know right from the very first meet that you'd definitely fall so deep in love with someone?

Maybe it's a sudden attraction you feel, and you know if you continue it's going to develop into something so strong.

Of course there are plenty of things to consider before going into something serious with someone, factors that'll determine if it would work. Maybe stuff like religion, age, genotype, individual preferences, likes and dislikes, distance, tribe or just anything that's a determining factor on if you two would work out.

You do a mental cross check and you realize you are not going to be compatible. The question is what next? If you stay you'd only fall deeper and it would become even more hurtful for you sooner or later. If you leave now how would the other person feel?

What of unrequited love? You realize the person is unavailable and could never love you the same. Do you stay? Knowing full well you'd fall even deeper for the person? Do you walk away? Be selfish and save your heart the future pain of not being loved back. Not caring if the other party would feel bad they've lost a potential good friend?

Have you been down this road before? Is this the same way you handled this? Walked away from the very start? Did you tell them why you were leaving or you just disappeared? Or did you sabotage the friendship on purpose?

Or did you stay? Try to ignore the feelings. Did you say the way you felt and still tried to manage the feelings? Did you both try to work a way around it even though all you longed for was to be more than just friends?

Was there drama? A lot of thinking? Walking in cycles? Telling yourself you have to walk away, you go today and next week you are back because even though you want to stay away, your heart still yearns for their company?

"If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal" - Everything Changes (Staind)

Do you feel you are back to walking that same road? That you are going to make a mess out of it all again, just like you always did in the past?

Something inside wants you to do it better this time around. You really want to handle it well but you don't know how. You've started making the same mistakes. Your head is clogged. You desire love. Unkissed. Lonely. Vulnerable.

No excuses of wanting to focus on studies, of wanting to start a career. Now you are of age but lo...where's the love now you are ready to love? Just one person and you'd be okay. But then you look around and all you see is people below 'standard', your standard. "You've built your wall so high, no one can climb it" - Beneath your beautiful (Labrinth ft Emeli Sande)

Maybe you should just give up on love, but you weren't wired that way. Maybe you should lower your taste? No? You can't settle. The right one is out there somewhere, it's just a matter of time. But for how much longer can you wait?
Just when you seem to meet the right one, it all comes crumbling down right before your very eyes.

"You're all alone in the dark
You're breaking your own heart
Taking it too far down the lonely road
You say it's just one love
But when it's close enough you just let it go
The very thing you've been the most afraid of
You've been doing it from the start, breaking your own heart..." Breaking your own heart (Kelly Clarkson)

You are ready to love, ready to feel, to build a life with someone. Ready to make memories of you two. But yet again you are a loner in love. Just a day with this amazing person you met, so much laughter and fun at the cinema. Perfect song on the car stereo (say maybe, John Legend's All of you). You take a look at the other and you see the future. You feel your heart melt, this is the one but you know better... you'll only be seen as a good friend.
Your heart breaks and you remember how you warned yourself never to go on such outings with the 'unavailable'

Maybe after all, love is not for everyone.

All takes me right back to this my previous blog post...
http://iyosayi14.blogspot.nl/2012/05/complicated.html?m=1

I CHOOSE!!

I CHOOSE!

"It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is still asleep. The day is coming.

In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I'm free to choose. And so I choose......

I Choose Love...
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I Choose Joy...
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstances. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical...the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I Choose Peace...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I Choose Patience...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of yelling at the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I Choose Kindness...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone.  Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I Choose Goodness...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse.

I Choose Faithfulness...
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.

I Choose Gentleness...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I Choose Self-Control...
I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will not, rule the eternal. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ.

"LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS AND SELF CONTROL" (Gal.5:22,23)

To these, I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest with the peace that passes all understanding.   (Philippians 4:7)


Culled from The Daily Encourager

OUT OF SIGHT is truly out of mind...

In one of my final year courses (can't remember the course title now), we discussed on the topic Conflict resolution. One of the most effective methods of conflict resolution we were taught is Separation.

I think a major mistake most people make is thinking they can force the whole reconciliation process. Hurt takes time to heal, forgiveness needs time to be effective. It's one thing to forgive but it's not realistic expecting the hurt and pain to be forgotten immediately at the snap of a finger sort of like magic.

People at times need time to move past bad experiences and like they say, out of sight is out of mind. Say Mr. A and B are fighting and Mr. C comes in as the peacemaker. Mostly the way we work is, we expect them to talk stuff out, each says the story the way he sees it. Mr C, the mediator listens, offers his advise and admonishes them to let by gones be. They should shake hands, forget and be friends again. Well, works sometimes but not all the time.

Sometimes, time apart may be needed for perfect peace and healing to be. Especially well, when the wrong done bites so deep.

Sometimes you try to forgive someone, you forgive but you just can't seem to shake off the feeling of hurt. As much as you try, there's this feeling, can't really explain it but it just doesn't feel right. It gets worse when you see the person or remember... Those times what do you do? Try avoiding the past? Try to forget? All goes back to out of sight is out of mind.

Those things you put up with for the sake of friendship, I mean, no one's perfect right? You have to tolerate each other's flaws and shortcomings. But how much really can we tolerate? Why suffer ourselves to be around someone who continually causes our heart pain? Is friendship all worth it?

You try your best to move past it and forgive but it's not so easy considering you keep being reminded of their atrocities. Today you forget and you are pals, then something happens and you are reminded afresh. Could be anything or maybe the person does something almost similar, say you got hurt by a cheating partner.

That relationship can never be same again, there'd always be that bit of suspicion and doubt. You can never fully trust your partner again. So any slight suspicious move (even when it's innocent), takes you right back to the pain of knowing the person you trusted betrayed you.

Sometimes to keep one sane and help ease one's self of pain, it maybe an easy cheap way out but I'd quickly go the shortest road to peace of mind, I'd say separation is an effective way of conflict resolution.

Maybe when time has finally healed your heart and you begin to miss the other, maybe then you'd be ready to rekindle your friendship. Let time take all the time it needs to heal you. There's no need forcing total forgiveness. There's a big difference between staying away for peace sake and keeping malice. Truth is most people don't even know the meaning of malice. Malice according to my dictionary is harbouring wicked thoughts towards another.

The lyrics of Beyonce's Resentment...these words of the song express exactly how I feel right now concerning a situation I am with someone. Well the song's about a cheating lover but these words extracted captures my feelings perfectly well..

I wish I could believe you then I'll be alright

But now everything you told me really don't apply

To the way I feel inside

Loving you was easy once upon a time

But now my suspicions of you have multiplied

And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time

'Cause I can't go on and pretend like

I haven't tried to forget this

But I'm much too full of resentment

Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me

The very thing you gave to me

I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed

As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain't the same

And it's all because you lied

I may never understand why

I'm doing the best that I can

I tried and I tried to forget this

I'm much too full of resentment

I feel so much better now though still feel a bit hurt by the actions of my friend but with time, I don't know how long it would take, time apart would really help me out and someday I'll get over it but having a hundred percent trust again? That I can't say. The thing about fixing a broken mirror is, you can still see the cracks.

Writing truly is therapeutic and well, good music that the lyrics captures my mood.

MISERY

So last week like every other week started with a promise. But by Wednesday I wished the week never started.

By Wednesday morning a little war began at work. Then another came up - my very good friend in the office was missing. His wife said he didn't get home the previous night. Her last sentence on the phone in between tears was 'my husband is in trouble'.

Combined with the problem I was trying to resolve at the office, my head felt so light. It was like I was floating on air. It wasn't a good feeling. I couldn't join the search party because I had to stay back and solve my office issue. The search party weren't giving us any information. Afternoon came, still no breakthrough. I felt sick.

At the end of the day, my little office problem had grown worse, search party was back with some good news. My friend was alive but was behind bars. He was an innocent buyer of a stolen vehicle. I did my best to resolve my work ish, but my best I guess wasn't good enough. I had that burden to carry home.

I got home so tired, my head heavy from so many thoughts and imaginations of what could happen if this or that, or how my friend was faring in the disgusting jail. The search party gave a terrible description of where he was.

The way I felt? Beyonce's Shoulda Known lyric - I'm gonna tip and soak myself in misery...

I struggled to eat something, fell on my bed and decided to just end that day. I checked twitter and saw a not so pleasant news that hit me personally. I got hit again. By 10 pm my phone rang interrupting my sleep. I got up, looked at the screen of my phone, I didn't have the number stored. I let it ring.

Immediately it went off, I put on my true caller and as I had guessed the phone rang later. Thanks to true caller I could tell who was calling, a customer we had handled sorted out stuff for at work. Oh, if I had known I would have put off my phone, another trouble came...she was bringing war to the office the next day.

I did all the professional ish I could do to calm her down. After the call, I went back to sleep. It was a horrible sleep. I kept waking up at intervals, terrible dreams all an extension of my thoughts. I finally found peaceful sleep say thirty minutes to wake up time. I woke up feeling good, oblivious to all my previous day wahala but a glance at my phone brought back all the memories.

Ugh! I wished I could sleep on, so I wouldn't have to face that day or move a muscle. I just need a shelter, save haven from my reality. When your body is healthy but your soul is sick...that's the way I felt.

I wanted to sleep for days to numb the pain...maybe that's why people commit suicide? The pain's so overwhelming they can't deal anymore? But truly that's a permanent solution to a temporary problem I guess. Time heals everything right? But I guess some things are permanent. Like Aids? Let me not derail.

I had a plan for the late night caller. I was going to hand her over to the manger once she came. I would be kind enough to tell him that trouble was coming. I still had my own wahala to deal with at work and my friend was still behind bars.

I got to work not really wanting to be there. I checked my system and half of the issue was done. I was so excited it helped take me through the day but I had that tiny feeling it wouldn't last and everything would go south. Just couldn't shake it off.

And truly, things went south around closing time. I was beaten down honestly. You know that feeling when you have been fighting so hard for stuff and or trying to prevent something from happening and yet it all still goes wrong? That 'I give up feeling' mixed with 'I don't give a damn anymore, what's the worst that can happen' feeling? Yea? That's exactly how I felt.

I packed up and headed straight for the prison but on getting to the gate I was told my friend had been released few minutes before my arrival. At least some good news for the day.

I longed for Friday evening, I needed a break from my reality. It was going to be a long weekend because of the public holiday on Monday and Tuesday. I really needed the break.

I wanted to go to the ocean, lay on the sand, let the waves wash over me...let go of every thought and completely let go (that could have been me but Benin City has only Ikpoba river).

Or better still, go to a gym and inflict physical pain on my body...get a distraction while I wait for it to all blow off...after all time heals, init? And just pray and hope for the best. I was done worrying and fighting.

'Some prayers find an answer, others may never know...holding on and letting go' - Ross Copperman (holding on and letting go)

I had cheated myself. I forgot all the lessons I had learnt in the past about worrying. The previous Saturday I had read about the chapter on worrying in the book - Battlefield of the mind by Joyce Meyers. On Sunday the pastor had preached on being thankful no matter what happens to us because it is God's will for us and we should learn to endure hardships.

I let myself worry. I put myself through unnecessary pain forgetting that nothing happens to us without God's permission and that all things work together for our good. Honestly, I know better because I have been in impossible situations that all turned out great for me. All I needed was to just stay still and be patient. Just let God work His miracle. I'm glad I didn't let my worry ruin my weekend and public holiday (Monday), I still have Tuesday to enjoy. Though I wish I could freeze today, I mean, why must the holiday end? *sobs

We should learn to be patient, to endure pain and also be thankful for everything for it is the will of God concerning us in Christ Jesus. I know we all desire a life without stress and pain but let's be real, even Jesus himself while on earth had trials and felt pain. Heck! Jesus wept. What's the worst that really could come out of that situation? Life is just temporary after all...

Well, what do I know? I am but just a kid

I'll leave with this lyrics from seventh day slumber - Every Saturday

(download the song and feel the emotions in it, it'll give the lyrics life)

Saturdays have never been the same

And I still can't believe you're gone

So many things I wish that I could say

I guess the hardest part of moving on

Are these memories that have overtaken me

Once again i'm right here on my knee's

I'm barely hanging on

With all these empty feelings

I'm hurting in so many ways

Though I can't begin

To understand the reason

I still believe that you're God

Saturdays have never been the same

That memory keeps eating in my mind

The ringing phone i've called to change my world

And emptiness that words cannot define

Are these memories that have overtaken me

Once again i'm right here on my knee's

I'm barely hanging on

With all these empty feelings

I'm hurting in so many ways

Though I can't begin

To understand the reason

I still believe that you're God

[Hook; God speaking]

And as you cried, I cried with you

I'll never leave, I'll carry you through

And can't you see that I was always there

These ashes of pain will fade

I'm barely hanging on

With all these empty feelings

I'm hurting in so many ways

And though I can't begin

To understand the reason

I still believe that you're God

I'm barely hanging on

With all these empty feelings

I'm hurting in so many ways

And though I can't begin

To understand the reason

I still believe that you're God