THE HAPPENINGS…

Joe King of The Fray once stated in an interview that his lyrics were mainly inspired by his experiences with the band: "With success, you have a lot more drama. For me, it was extreme highs in career and extreme lows in a relationship. There were really obvious things to write about."

Well, I guess I can say same for me. Career wise, it’s been nice and a learning process. From working out of Lagos to being transferred to Benin has been good. There were harder times in Lagos but mostly it all thought me on patience and how not to worry and leave it all to God. The moment I stopped bothering myself and trying hard, things started falling in place.

One thing I just don’t seem to have working out fine for me is relationships. My colleague asked me this morning if I think I am capable of loving someone. I kept quiet for a while before replying her, saying I really don’t know. I know I can be so loved up and have strong feelings for someone but most times, it really doesn’t last. I was being honest when I said it’s usually the beginning part I enjoy most, 'when e still dey hot'. That’s when it’s sweetest, after that people end up just managing each other’s flaws and once in a while you get good moments. But generally though, I get tired of people too easily. 

I have a phobia for having a long list of 'exes'. To me, your number of your 'exes' kinda reflects if you are the one with a problem or if you just a hoe. I don’t believe you meet someone you feel attracted to and then jump into a relationship the next day. We shouldn’t act on attraction, that’s why we can’t date everyone we are attracted to.

I feel the right way is ‘date lightly’ for a while to see if it will work before anything serious starts. That period of 'light dating' should tell if you guys are compatible and into the same things. No labels or being official, helps you avoid investing your life in something that won’t work. Like someone once said, break ups are not fun, they are a waste of time and time is life.

So I recently got myself in a bit of a mess. Scratch that, serious mess. I got involved in ‘light dating’ with more than one, heck one other girl who would have made it three, almost added to the mix.  She sent her friend to get my number as I was exiting an eatery ‘cus she was too shy to ask me herself. She called later, we spoke then she sent her whatsapp number, I just felt my hands were full with two already in my life. Seriously I don’t know how people manage multiple dating. They have energy sha. So much confusion and drama to handle. Biko I like my life simple and stress free.

The whole light dating thing is okay, just don’t do it with more than one person at the same time. I mean, it’s really unfair when you finally get to the point where you have to choose between one of them. What happens to the one you don’t choose? That’s one of the mistake I made, same mistake the lead character also made in the movie 'Because I said so'.

The one thing I know I did get right was at the beginning I did make it clear we were not in a relationship rather we were going slow, trying to see where it leads us. And when either one wanted more I made it clear I wasn’t there yet. Okay, a thought just crossed my mind, if I was focused on one maybe I would have been there too at the same time ….*sigh

I remember how hard I was on an old flame back then when she kinda explained she was torn between my close friend and myself. I judged her as being selfish and insensitive. It was easy for me to be judgmental because I hadn’t walked in her shoes. There’s really a thing like being genuinely torn between two people. I mean, it’s like you want them both merged into one person because they both have qualities you admire in different ways but you know you can’t have them all but still you don’t want to lose anyone.

I am now doing this thing where I try my best not to judge people’s actions. I remember an old post I had to apologize to all those I had judged because they stepped in when two people were having issues in their relationship and not giving them time to sort it out. Truth is, you never know till you are in a similar situation. Lately I have been a staunch advocate of ‘there is no reason whatsoever to cheat’, but I am slowly beginning to question my stand, because truly you never know till you find yourself in such situation. Life in itself is complicated. You can imagine how two lives trying to synchronize and live as one would then be multi-complicated. Life is not black and white. This thing called love/relationship is not an easy something. Though I still believe it is better to leave than cheat. 

Anyway back to the main issue. I met ‘A’. 

A was cool, really nice and one thing I loved most was the fact we had same taste in music. I once stated that I can’t date anyone who doesn’t have similar taste in music with me. Trivia as it seems, it has actually proven over time to be a major connecting factor between I and people. Once that music connection isn’t there, I don’t know why, but it just feels odd and kinda all grey without colour. 

A and I connect. There’s that spark. The attraction is there and the fire too. The major issue we are/were having is distance ish, sort of. At first I was going to let go and just forget it all. My usual way of running once I know there is going to be distance involved. I told myself, how long would you keep acting like this? Nothing good comes easy. Then again, in life, nothing is certain. I could get married and work or something could cause distance for a period between myself and wife. Would I then seek a divorce?

Well, A and I got back after few days of me kinda ending things due to the distance issue. So we were back on and the spark was still there and the conversation and laughter just flowed effortlessly. Then the distance began to show again and the cracks started setting in. I didn’t mind. I was going to brave this and put in effort but over time it started feeling as if I was the only one really making effort. I snapped and that was it. If A really wanted this as much as I did, A would have to make effort too but if not well, we had a nice time. It is what it is.

In the very short period A and I were off for a few days I ran into B whom I had made an acquaintance of a while ago. Being with B, basically feels like home. B is proper wife material. Everything so perfect (perfectly what every 'normal' guy wants I must add). I am weird; I hate pet names, phone calls, the constant checking up on each other daily. I have plenty issues, I know. Pharm Owen once said he doesn’t know if I have issues or it’s my issues that have me. Lool

With B, those things scared me off but I just had to adjust and work through it. Enough of me being picky, but then an important box wasn’t clicked on my list of dating criteria. B doesn’t like music. I mean how can someone not love music??? Without music life is so dead and boring! So many times I’ll play a song and B would never know it, even very popular songs. I tried, but the spark just didn’t come, but I enjoy our conversations, they are easy and unforced (when B isn’t trying to get us to talk emotional ish, I hate dealing o jare). The laughter too and my constant teasing of B, but then I am just not ready for marriage. 

Then one evening I realized I wasn’t being fair to both A and B. Generally in life I try to be honest and fair to people. I had to come clean. Yes I did make it clear to both at the beginning that we were not dating, but I didn’t let them know I was also trying to see how things work out with a second person. That was the major wrong I did. It felt like I was two timing even though we were not official or stuff but I just felt bad and it all felt so wrong, like  I was wasting their time. 

I came clean and it was a horrible night and then a terrible morning as A and B were emotionally hurt by my actions. I didn’t have a nice day. I really felt bad that I had hurt them. I hate someone hurting because of me. I hate putting people through pain. Then I remembered C who I also sort of dated lightly long before I met A or B. With C I never got back to telling her I didn’t get there (fall in love). I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt her by saying we were not going to work but I did more damage by not letting her know. I just kept my distance and thought maybe she’d figure it out from my body language. I apologized and really wished I could wipe it all off. The hurt I caused and all.

"I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears" – (The reason) Hoobastank

Things got sour between A, B and myself for a while. Few days past and well, we all sorted out our differences. A traveled to Lagos. B and I hung out and then B said though she knows I am ‘lightly dating’ A, she doesn’t really care. Love has never been good to her but this time she really likes me and contrary to what she had decided before to cut me off, she was going to stick with me because she wants to be happy and she really likes me.

That was bold. I was impressed actually. But then I had to say the truth. I told her she was just being emotionally weak because she didn’t want to break her heart by walking away. Anyway I got where she was coming from, sometimes you just get tired of all the disappointments and forget the damn consequences. After all being self-righteous and principled has brought you nothing but heart ache and loneliness. So you just ignore and enjoy it while it lasts. Yup! That’s why people remain in abusive and wrong relationships. Anyway I told B it’s no probs, we were cool and all, I just didn’t know what A’s reaction would be. 

Sadly I didn’t really get to know where I stood with A ‘cus when she came back from Lagos, she started giving some really dumb excuses about not being able to meet up. I just made it plain that I know what effort I make to be with someone I really like that all her excuses were flimsy and with that I stopped replying all chats and I have not heard from her till now. Typing this now I just figured maybe that was her way of calling it quits, she wasn’t ready to share me with B. 

“People say good bye in their own special way” – (In my veins) Andrew Belle

See why it’s never good to get involved with your music buddies? Once it falls apart so also does the friendship. A gave me some really cool songs just the short time we had. Now that what we had is all out the window so is our friendship and sharing of good music. *sigh

Right now, all i have is B. But I don’t know. It’s really not working. That spark isn’t there but I do value the friendship. The pressure from B isn’t helping. I know they say in matters of the heart you have to think of yourself first, if you don't feel same way you can't force yourself into a relationship just because you don’t want the other to feel bad but I really don't feel good either when I know someone else is hurting because of me. I'm sorry I can't love you the way you desire but that doesn't mean we should make a mess of our friendship. But hey, who am I to say so? I'm not the one with a broken heart. 

I just want something pure, innocent and most importantly, love in little dozes...if it comes all too quickly I freak and run. That’s what B doesn’t get. The whole clingy ish and pet names just pushes me away and the numerous declaration of ‘I love you’ and how much you mean to each other just puts so much pressure that it makes me feel suffocated. It’s nice to hear those words yea, but not every day na…

"So I told her get a head start

Like the last one I didn’t have the heart to tell her straight

I know how she’ll receive it

And I can’t bear to see it

That’s why I never meant to be this close

And let it slip away

I keep stumbling till I finally miss the last train

Ooh, she’s ready, I’m not ready

I hear people go crazy for steady

But me, I run every time

And I hope she sees

It’s not her, it’s just me

And I’m so sorry

To be this close

And let it slip away" - (Run Every Time) Gavin Degraw

Oh wait, there’s a D in this story o. As I was writing this, D pinged and wanted to come over. I know what D wants. Like I stated earlier, I try consciously not to judge anyone. I won't say D is a hoe or slut, in fact what D is doing is even better than those who choose to be in relationships and still go about cheating. D doesn't want anything serious, just wants to have fun and all, be free to be with whoever, no commitments or anything of sorts. People may call her loose and but at least she isn't betraying anyone's trust or hurting anyone. In everything we do, self-control and caution is needed. We should be able to limit ourselves and hold back at times, deprive ourselves once in a while, build discipline and self-control. I'm just not comfortable with D being around, you get?

The way it is going, it seems I am headed back to square one, the whole getting to meet someone new and getting to know each other and shi, quite tiring I must say. B is still here but not really helping, in fact I think we need space 'cus the pressure being mounted on me is really doing more harm, and those emotional talks B keeps calling for, the I need to see you, we need to talk...the last time I honored such was in 2010. Ended being my ex breaking up with me. 

I just want something maybe like what I had with my ex back then before all the complications. At first we were strangers, then friends, had common interests, music, pictures, books, movie/series and the friendship blossomed and the love just developed and grew...no pressure or drama or shii. It just flowed in till well...what's that Nelly Furtado's song? All good things come to an end.

I'm beginning to worry for myself. Seriously I need stability in my life and most importantly something long lasting. Is it that my standards/taste are just too high? Sometimes I want clingy, other times I want a bit of distance. But I know I don't want those pet names, or the pressure that comes from labels and commitment and stuff. Afona used to say I was born in the wrong country, maybe he's right but I gotta work with what I have now. Or maybe i'm just not a relationship person...can't really say. 'A' did say I was confused.

I worry for me. Sincerely. 

Maybe I should just take Valentine's advice and date an older woman.

In all, I just want a peaceful life biko, filled with love and laughter and good music of course! 

"I need a lil laughter and love to follow after" – (Slow love) Beyonce

And no...This post isn’t going to end with my trade mark – Oh well, What do I know ish….peace out.

MEMOIR - MY PAIN

#np: Life Support - Sam Smith

‘The thing about pain is….it demands to be felt’– The Fault in our stars

July 7th, 2015 I felt it again but this time it was during the day. Normally it comes at night when I’m fast asleep. I can’t categorically remember how it starts, I just know I awaken curled up in bed, hands clutching at my abdomen, wrenching.

First time I experienced it should be before my NYSC (2011). I had been given strong pain killers to help solve the headaches I was experiencing. Then I concluded it was a reaction to the drug especially as it stopped when I did away with it.

Later on, I experienced it once in a while over the years till it came up again 2013 when I was based in Lagos. Tests were run and various drugs prescribed. It became a thing of the past as 2014 progressed, though I still relived it occasionally. I bore it all like a man, or more correctly, due to my dislike for visiting hospitals.

This year it became quite frequent. I wasn’t on any pain killers or anything of sorts. I began wondering if it was appendicitis but the pain wasn’t restricted to my right abdomen, this was general. It always began from the lower abdomen right through the upper abdomen piercing its way to my left chest and sometimes my back…

Several nights I lived through it, bearing the pain, rolling and tossing till I slept off to awake with it another distant memory.

So this Tuesday at work, I had just concluded a meeting and was about sitting at my desk when I felt it. I paused, couldn’t move a muscle. I just stood immobile letting it take me. I sat down but it won’t let me be. I tried to bear it but it was stronger. My colleagues began asking if I was okay. Forget we normally give the cliché ‘I am fine’ response most times we are asked that. This time there was no pretending. The driver was asked to take me to the hospital immediately.

Funny, the doctor said I was in denial of my ailment. I refused the injection she said would help recede the agony. I was actually too damn shy to expose my bum to the nurses. I told the doctor I was used to it, after all I have been surviving it all this while, this one time wouldn’t kill me. I concluded I didn’t need an injection to numb it. She smiled and let me have my way. Drugs were prescribed. She insisted I took the first dose in her presence as she didn’t trust me to take them.

I am no fool, for once I am going to follow my prescribed dosage strictly. This is no silly fever that my body would fight itself. I am battling real pain and it needs to heal. I need to tackle this physical pain but little did I know I am going to face a psychological battle also.

Back from the hospital and time for lunch, the steaming plate of food starred at me. My stomach needed the food but my mouth would not open. My brain kept seeing this picture of hot food getting to my stomach and burning up the injuries.  You know that sharp pain when water touches a sore on your skin right? That’s the feeling I expect to feel as I take a gulp of water. It never happens but the scary thought is always there. Eating is now a chore. I wonder how my stomach look right now? Is it bleeding? Is it all turn apart?

I select food a lot and it’s been with me for so long and well, I eat but mostly junk food. It takes someone really close to me to notice my dietary deficiencies. I try to force myself at times but I really don’t know…

I’m trying my best to improve my diet, trying to kick out the image of sore stomach walls that shall cringe once food touches them. I hate taking drugs, the bitter taste when mistakenly the tablet dissolves in my mouth or that repulsive movement of the drug down my throat. Makes my body quiver. I feel weak, sore, feverish and cold at the same time. The weather this period isn’t helping, even Dr. Ewaen was like only you? Kpele o. 

I remember the day I came back from the hospital I sent him the names of all the drugs prescribed. Wasn’t trying to be dramatic, just wanted to be sure I wasn’t being given the wrong drugs. Excuse my paranoia but I have once been misdiagnosed. Ended up taking drugs I had no business taking.

His response was that of shock, something along the lines of why are you sending me such drugs? Then he remembered I had gone through the ish before. He confirmed the drugs were the right ones, that’s what I needed, confirmation. I know I will be fine just the whole psychological battle crap I didn’t bargain for.

Sometimes I find myself subconsciously holding my abdomen, thinking and trying to imagine how my insides are. I don’t know why this time around it’s hitting me this hard, maybe ‘cus I had been in denial about it like the Doctor said or I really don’t know....*sigh It just seems all so real this time and I’ve got this battle to fight. Thankfully I don’t feel alone. I’ve got family, colleagues who care and friends who are there too and my personal friend doctor who I can always call on – Dr. Ewaen so I don’t feel alone at all. I’ve got the complete support system though this is the first time I’d be experiencing the physiological side effects of this thing.

I don’t need pity or empathy really. Self-pity disgusts me. Funny my colleague was going along the lines of ‘e yah, kpele o’. Then she began touching my neck in a tender way. I shoved her hands off and asked why she was treating me like an invalid. I’m very emotional, I don’t need stuff that’ll break this bold face I am trying to put up.

What’s that they say again? Big boys don’t cry.

Well, what do I know...I am but just a kid.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL...

#np: The time of my live - David cook

Last weekend, Saturday precisely after attending Word Unspoken (a gospel rap show sort of) at the Uniben Auditorium I decided to chill at one of the school's field with my pal - Osamudiamen.

The weather was cool as it rained the previous day and there was light showers earlier that morning. We sat on a hilly part of the field watching some guys play soccer beneath.

Life seemed so perfect, no stress or worries. We talked about nothing serious but still had an enjoyable conversation. Sometimes we'd be quiet, those times when I’d soak in the moment with memories of my days in school rushing back. Boy! I really miss school. School was damn safe. Though back then I thought getting the best grades was the biggest problem in the world. Honestly being out in the world is quite tough; hustling and trying to make something out of life, where one needs to work hard with so much responsibility and social pressure on you to be someone and make cool cash even if you are miserable with your profession or get bored with daily life routine. *sigh 

Anyway I really loved the atmosphere, the unforced conversations, the freedom and lack of care for anything. I wished I could pause time, spend eternity in that moment and be happily free, forget about work and shii, just savor nature at its best while doing one of my favorite past times activities - watching people as they walk by. 

It was a perfect setting, save for the lack of good music and definitely FOOD!! Well, that would be more of junk food though - say maybe ice cream, sharwama, chicken and chips...scratch that, no chicken. I have been trying this ‘pseudo vegan’ stuff lately (I invented that term). I have gone a week without eating meat and the change has been really impressive. My body feels so much lighter. I read about Beyonce's 22 day vegan diet so I thought maybe I'll try something close. At first it was really hard abstaining from meat especially with the way the cafeteria women at my branch brandish the turkey and assorted meat during lunch time. Sometimes I end up eating five pieces of meat! 

Anyway, I know I need protein, so I have decided to stick with fish (not really a fan of fish except its barbecue with chips). I told my colleague I was going pseudo vegan, she laughed so hard I felt challenged. First week she won as I ended up eating meat. My love for shaki and liver tho.*sigh. Second week I got it right. Last Sunday I didn’t eat meat! Monday morning I woke up sharp with my body feeling so light...

I feel so cleansed sort of, I’m currently trying to avoid eating late at night, though I can't resist not eating the kpekere chips I have stuffed my fridge with while watching movies on my laptop at night after work or on Sundays when I read books. I won't act like I’m going to stay off meat totally, 'cus the way that turkey was calling me today during lunch...choi! I had to leave the cafeteria quickly before I lost control. Maybe I'd do two weeks in a month without meat then two weeks of meat till I strike a balance or something…

My weight still fluctuates but it's not so bad anymore or maybe people are used to the new me with the extra weight they no longer draw my attention to the weight gain. Well, the they still say my back is getting bigger *palm in face

See, this life is beautiful for reals. Little things we take for granted are actually what makes life beautiful. Music, good food, quiet company, movies, laughter, great company, books, games or comfortable silences with the ones we love or just chilling on a field enjoying nature in its purest form while listening to good music especially a song like The time of my life by David Cook or a more melancholy song like Innocence by Avril Lavigne.

“I get lost in the beauty of everything I see

The world ain’t half as bad as they paint it to be

If all the sons, all the daughters stopped to take it in

Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin

It might start now, yeah

Well, maybe I’m just dreaming out loud

Until then…”  

- Come Home by One Republic

Honestly, ambition is a female dog! Ugh! I was watching a movie (Two night stand). There was this scene where the guy ranted about ambition. He totally said all that's on my mind. Seriously life is so much easier and peaceful without ambition. Here's what he said - 

“Ambition is such bullshit. Seriously, it’s just chasing vapor, like… 

Whatever it is that you think that you need, like that job or that gold star, blue ribbon, fancy desk, nice office, like it doesn’t… like once you get that, you’re gonna be confused because you’re not gonna be as happy as you thought you were going to be. 

Then you’re going to be sitting there being like, "why aren’t I happy? I have this… I got the desk.“ 

Because, man, there's another desk. Like there’s always going to be something more that your ambition is telling you that you need. So it’s the next thing, and then when you get that, then there’s another thing. 

It’s an endless cycle. You’re forced into retirement. You’re kicking and screaming. The next thing you know, you’re in a big house, you’ve got four-and-a-half bathrooms, you don’t even have a ping-pong table and you’re dead.” 

— Alec (Two Night Stand, 2014)

  

Anyway, easy for me to agree ba? I can read your mind. I see you sneering saying I should wait till I am married and I have school fees to pay and Christmas clothes to buy for four kids....heheehe 

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

THE THING ABOUT BEING CHEATED ON...

Last week Sunday I woke up to the news on twitter about Toke Makinwa's cheating husband. I won't go into the insensitive trash people were posting. Social media has given opportunity for silly people to air their unintelligent opinions. We get it's our thing to joke about bad situations in the county but still, not everything should be taken as a joke or used to create memes. Some things are just too damn real to be joked about.

My heart goes out to Toke. I mean the hurt, betrayal and humiliation she'll be going through right now. Her's is a peculiar case, in that she is a celebrity and she has a vlog where she gives relationship advice, now it's all right in her face!

When I heard the news I was taken back to last December when I broke things off with my ex who cheated. Some people forgive and work through this kinda thing but truth is once a cheat, always a cheat. My principle is, once they cheat, please kick 'em out! It maybe hard 'cus you are still in love but save yourself the plenty drama that'll keep coming 'cus truly, once a cheat, always a cheat!

No one deserves to be cheated on. If you are tired why don't you just call it quits and go? Seriously!

The stages of knowing you've been cheated on - shock, disappointment, anger, betrayal, sadness, confusion, anger again, numbness then healing...Oh the healing process...you'll have to deal and process the hurt and anger. The effort you'll put in to actually move on. Back in the days when digital pics weren't popular, you'd tear pictures and trash everything that brings any memory of them. Now we just delete all pics from our phones and social media, may seem dramatic but it actually helps one heal. But the part I don't like (sadly I once did that when I was much younger) where people go on social media to trash talk the other. I get it helps release the pain but we really don't need to broadcast our business for the world to seat and eat popcorn while watching our lives like cinema and of course judging and giving unsolicited advice. We could send those words via private messages, infact write an epistle of all the anger you feel, let it out and hit them with it in their damn face, literally, and no! You don't have to be friends with your cheating ex!

I told Kelvin when he was going on and on about still saying hello to his ex, all to show he is matured. I was like, jor o. Some times to hell with maturity! I'd go crazy on you, say it as it hurts and damn you! I don't want to be a friend to you bloody cheat! I may eventually forgive you but for now we are not friends and you don't deserve, me neither am I under any obligation to be civil with you!

Really tho, sometimes you just gotta kick maturity out the door, whatever helps you heal...it's your right noni! Have you seen the movie diary of a mad black woman?

It's not an easy stuff dealing with being cheated on especially when you truly love the person. It takes a strong person to walk away.

"When you love someone but it goes to waste, what could be worst?" Fix you – Coldplay

It takes a really strong person to break their own heart, chose to walk away from a cheating partner they still love and move on. The pain, hurt, loneliness and so many things you'll have to go through even though you know it would have been much easier staying and trying to work things out. But you know better, they'll cheat again. Plus, once the trust is gone, you've got nothing. No one wants to be in a relationship where you can't trust your partner to be faithful. Life is hard enough, can't go living a life where you are always suspicious of their every move, phone call or sms beep...your sanity is key.

Sometimes we tend to love so much we begin to feel we are at fault, giving excuses that our flaws is the cheated. You know how love sometimes messes with your head? (sorry to say, especially the ladies) Kills your self esteem because you are scared of being alone or the fear of not finding another person makes you stay and endure the crap slammed in your face day in, day out meanwhile your life is just passing you by as you stay, becoming miserable, unhappy and sad when in truth you have the power to walk away and be happy. Being single is not a disease! I'd rather be single and happy than be in a relationship and be miserable. You deserve so much better. I remember the movie, 'For coloured women', how Janet Jackson's character had a cheating husband who after philandering would come home to sleep with his wife, at the end dude gave her HIV.

This thing called life is just once. Truth is no matter how good you are, or how much of your all you put in to make it work, sadly, some people just have cheating engrossed in their DNA makeup.

Its one thing when a boyfriend or girlfriend cheats but I don't need to be married to know it’s a whole new level of hurt when it's your wife or husband that cheats. This one hurts a million times over. The vows made and all...*sigh

The hardest part of walking away from a cheat is the pain and loneliness. So much pain but someday without you even realizing, you'd move on from all the pain and be happy again. I have been there, the whole you still being in love with 'em, you'll miss 'em and sometimes question your decision but it's just for a while, you'd get over it and appreciate the peace of mind and most especially it gives you the opportunity to meet someone better and start over.

As far as I am concerned, there is no excuse for cheating. That's why I keep saying know what you want, what you can handle and what works for you. Don't give the excuse of long distance or their not always being around as an excuse for cheating. It doesn't hold water. There really isn't any excuse. (I know situations are complicated and I don't know it all but cheating on someone who really loves you...if you have been cheated on by the one you gave your all; you'd know what I am talking about, heck! There's no excuse for cheating if you are not happy why not leave?)

Indiscipline and setting ourselves up for temptation lead to cheating. Those harmless chats and light flirting we say are not serious and just for fun or you know you are slowly getting into someone you shouldn't feel a thing for but yet you won't stay away...these little things, I call them temptations, are actually avoidable if we just decide to have self control and be disciplined. When you see it coming, when it's still early and the feelings haven't become strong, when you still have control to walk away please walk away.

I was discussing this with my friend, a married woman and she informed me of how her marriage almost ended the previous month. I had to admit that social media hasn't helped these days. It's not only about physical cheating, there's also emotional cheating. You are married or with someone but you spend your time chatting with whomever on social media, spending time and bonding with others instead of investing that in your relationship/marriage. Slowly you are building a disconnect. The only thing that can fuel a relationship is communication, the less communication you have the more you two become strangers. Why not share those intimate thoughts and feelings with your partner instead of having that online person you lean on and at the end start developing feelings for or start comparing your spouse to the person's ability to give you attention? These are little way we allow cracks into our relationships

This Toke experience is one of my biggest fears in a relationship. Giving someone your all then they make you look like the biggest fool. Loving someone and going into something with them is such a big risk, scares me most times and just gives me really huge cold feet about relationships. Naturally with friends and acquaintances, I have a hard time dealing with injustice and betrayal so imagine someone I chose to love and give my all hurting me that way?

Reminds me of what Meredith Grey said in the series Grey's anatomy -

"There's a reason I said I will be happy alone.

It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone.

It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it.

It's easier to be alone because what if you learned that you need love and then you don't have it.

What if you like it and lean on it?

What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart?

Can you even survive that kind of pain?

Losing love is like organ damage, it's like dying.

The only difference is death ends.

This...it could go on forever"

I'd say it again, there's no excuse whatsoever for cheating. If you think there is, ask yourself if your partner cheated on you and gave that reason as justification; would you feel hurt? Would you feel betrayed? Would you be okay with their reason?

Well, what do I know?...I am but just a kid

MAY DAY! MAYDAY! (All about last weekend)

Weekend came early last week. May 1^st (worker’s day) was on Friday. It was a public holiday but of course, I had some left over work I needed to clear up at the office. I got done with work by 3pm then headed to my colleagues’ place. I wasn’t going to risk spending the weekend/public holiday alone and allow those lonely nights kill me.

My two male colleagues, a babe who came to see one of them and myself were all up for the weekend. First stop, we went to eat sharwarma from where we went fuel hunting. It was quite eventful though annoying but at the end it was far better than being home alone listening to sad songs.

Every single filling station we passed was dry as a desert. I kept encouraging the guy whose care we drove in to keep going down Sapele road as most times those filling stations do have when there is scarcity in town. That’s how we took the risk driving on just one bar of fuel left. We got to one filling station on the outskirts of town, I noticed they had fuel but were selling on code to few people. We parked and one of the guys hopped down to hustle fuel. We got there while the day was still bright but left there in the dark without fuel!

Guys and their pride when a girl is around! *sigh My guy couldn’t hustle fuel, but he still refused to come out of the dark filling station. The very same filling station people were coming out of with filled jerry cans. I had to send him an sms which read, “Please come lets go. We all love you and won’t feel let down that you couldn’t get fuel. Your pride is safe. Please come let’s go.”

Bros still refused to come out o...we kept calling and he’d say it is almost his turn. That’s how we waited and I had to send him another one which read “You can just come out and tell us they took their light hence they couldn’t pump fuel”. The other guy waiting for him with me had to go call him from the filling station gate.”

He later finally came out with an empty jerry can. We had agreed not to laughs at him or confront him for staying so long and still come back without fuel but when he started talking too much and giving the lame excuse that it was when it was his turn to get served we called. He had to leave the queue to pick the call and by the time he came back they had chanced him. Ugh!

Even the chick with us lost it and started attacking his tales. Who will pick a call after waiting so long to get fuel when it finally gets to your turn and then you walk off? Na so, story for the gods. Even the guy we met at the gate who told us that they were selling fuel was there and did he mean to tell us that the guy really allowed them chance him?

Oh wait, I had to ask how it was possible that the same guy he met, the person who gave him the heads up that they had fuel allowed them to sell fuel to him first...fake gist.

So we drove back to the house without fuel and that meant a dead evening. That wasn’t going to happened. I told the guy who delayed us that we should take a bus with jerry cans to go hustle fuel. I have never done such in my life, but I just felt the night was already eventful what’s the harm adding more adventure? It was well past 10pm by this time.

So we hopped on a bus in search of fuel and finally found a station selling fuel. We set our cans on the queue and patiently waited. My fast guy friend wanted to be smart again. He saw a man in a truck at the front of the line. Guys were filing his back truck with cans so when it’s the man’s turn he’d buy into their cans too. I watched the man’s body language and warned my friend that the man was going to deny them when it his turn. Thankfully he listened to me and returned the can and that’s how the man truly denied them!

Anyway we got bought the fuel at N120/litre. On top the extortion, the fuel attendant still took our change saying we have to settle him. Same Nigerian that would complain our leaders are corrupt.

We called the guy with the car and he came to pick us up. We all went to the house got dressed and headed off to a bar. The night just begun and I was ready to kill it. Ok, before y’all start throwing stones at me (like Opeyemi did before my gist even got half way), I know I last said I wouldn’t be hanging out again in bars but this was different. Not the plenty pool of guys around a table talking nonsense, this was just a small gathering of me and my two guys and a chick. They did the drinking and I just watched those smoking and drinking, just observing.

Form the bar we went to the first night club. All three pals went in freely but I got stopped by the bouncer. He just stayed staring at me. Oh boy! The height difference was quite intimidating. The previous night I watched the movie - Two Night Stands and the girl in the movie wasn’t allowed in because the bouncer thought she looked like a minor. I thought this was it, same embarrassment was going to befall me but nah... the bouncer let me in after I asked him if there was a problem.

That was my first time inside a night club. I have always wanted to go clubbing before, just know the feeling and see what it’s about. The club was filled with different persons, those smoking, drinking and dancing and those doing all sorts. The place was damn too crowded so we left for a second club. The second one had people being held outside on a queue but one of my guys knew the manager. Just as I have always seen in movies where there is a long line of party goers waiting to enter the club, a set of ‘celebs’ come and are allowed in straight off. Well that’s what happened. I felt so hot and on top of the world walking into the club with all those people on the queue looking at us. Hehehehehe *winks

Anyway that’s how drama started over the chick between the two guys o. The one I was with (the fast guy who wasted our time at the station) got pissed immediately we got in saying the chick with us didn’t pay him attention when he was talking to her. See me see whalaha o! Na you invite the babe come? Na your car she enter? That’s how dude said he was leaving. I too had to leave because I was spending the night in his house.

My other friend and the chick didn’t get what was happening and they too left. Only for this my fast guy friend to call the other guy and started lamenting to the one with the chick about the girl’s attitude, meanwhile his phone was on speaker and the girl heard it all. *sigh!

Anyway they went back to the previous club while I and this fast guy sat at the table. He said he needed a drink to cool off. We sat for like fifteen minutes and I just didn’t get it. I had to tell him he should take me home ‘cus I was the one being punished for no reason. We went home and slept.

Next morning fast guy said he doesn’t know how he would face the other guy that he sent him some harsh sms the previous night, of course he blamed it on the alcohol. How convenient!

 I called the other guy with the chick and told him not to be angry. Anyway we all met up at another spot for lunch with the girl again. That’s how my guys started displaying and of course by now the chick was already feeling important. Fast guy said the other guy isn’t serious with the girl and that he is in love with the girl. hian! I was shocked,  wondering if this guy knew he was breaking a million bro codes...

Anyway I told the other guy to follow me to the atm so we could leave the fast guy and the chick to talk. Well, in my presence I had earlier seen the girl put her in the fast guy’s phone. The babe self nor even good. On our walk to the atm I pleaded with him not to get angry even though the fast guy was really messing up. Truth is we guys are colleagues and the babe would go one day but we’d all still be colleagues working in same office. There was no use fighting a war over her. As they say, bros over.....

So my bucket list has two things struck off. I finally went to a club, not just one, but I actually went to two clubs in one night! Then I had that super experience of walking right past the queue into the club like a celeb. Super cool.

Though I didn’t get to really dance as I wanted to, that’s still on my bucket list to dance so crazy, climb a table, take off my shirt, roll it in the air and scream on top of my voice/ like, totally lose control and go really gaga...someday sha.

Maybe getting high on weed is still on the bucket list, not so sure anymore. I was quite tempted when I saw people smoking that stuff where you put a pipe in your mouth and puff. But the unsanitary look of so many mouths on the pipe...eww! that was enough to kill the temptation.

I got home Saturday evening after a very cool weekend with friends. After my bath, I looked at my bed and realized I actually missed sleeping on my bed. I took off my clothes and fell into the warmth of my bed. What’s that they say? No place like home, init?

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid

LIFE AS I HAVE COME TO KNOW IT...

#np: You could be happy – Snow Patrol

Truly, no man is an island...

This was supposed to be a happy note. April started well for me. I had already planned how I was going to detail my activities for the month but apparently life always has its way of making mockery of your plans.

April 1st, April fools day. I went to the office, composed a fake transfer mail from human resources and sent to everyone in my branch. I didn’t know they loved me that much; you should have seen their long faces when I went down to see them, oh! the free hugs I got. I went back up and sent them another mail with a big April fool written on it, they didn’t even wait for me to come down. They all came up slapping and kicking me. It’s not a small feat to fool an entire branch.

Second week, I had to travel to Lagos to finish up a transaction at the head office. Lagos - the city I ran away from. While in air, I imagined what it would be like being in the city again. It had been almost a full year I left and never came back even when I had the opportunity. From the skies it looked beautiful and I thought maybe I missed the city. Touchdown and the real Lagos came to life. The stress came slapping me in the face as I looked through the cab window trying to figure out what was causing the traffic jam.

In Benin City there’s either an accident or traffic light on red or road construction that’s the cause of hold up but in Lagos, you don’t need any incident, traffic jam just happens naturally. That moment my decision to leave that town a year ago got validated.

The days I spent at the head office was fun; I saw old friends and colleagues. I always felt it was a weird arrangement at the head office, the way the offices were created such that everyone sits in an open space. No privacy unlike in Benin where people have offices and your boss office is quite a distance form yours. I always got freaked out by the arrangement then. I had to work out of one of the offices on the transaction and got used to it by the next day but then having to seat directly opposite your boss on same table? That’s just fifty shades of awkward....

Evening came and I hung out with my paddy of life, Cruz. Finally had the taste of real pizza I had been craving and cold stone’s ice-cream, forgotten the name of the flavour I got. One funny ice cream that contains alcohol, totally rad. One other contrasting difference between Lagos and Benin City is by that hour of the day (about 10pm) you’ll hardly see a soul on the road or any shop open but trust Lagos, the city that never sleeps it was business as usual.

Ok. I told myself I was going to make this a short post, oh well....

Last week after bearing much bashing from my colleagues, I decided to hang out with the guys for TGIF. I thought to myself, let me even see what’s in all this hangout ish they keep talking about. I went with an open mind but it was just as I always pictured it. I am not a crowd person, in fact all through the night at the table I felt odd. It wasn’t my scene at all. Grown men seated round a table filled with beer bottles, some smoking, eating fish and just talking nothing reasonable all through the night. It’s the ladies that endure such gatherings I feel for the most. The following morning I told my closest friend amongst them I would not be following them again as I only needed to confirm that I haven’t been missing anything all this time.

The norm we are all used to is that blackberry devices do not have radio. So imagine the look on my face when i discovered my Q10 actually has a radio! I saw the look on Rahzark’s face when I showed it to him. I remember those days when I was much younger, when music download sites were not common, I used to discover songs on the radio. Don’t know when I lost my listening to radio habit, which has to be resurrected. Anyway I discovered new songs on the radio recently; mostly Rihanna’s. A station played dancing in the dark form the Home animation movie. I searched the net for the song and downloaded other original soundtracks she recorded for the movie. ‘As real as you and me' got to me.

The Song totally broke me with her coarse voice singing above the stripped keyboard keys. If you enjoyed her stay record with Mikky Ekko you’d love it also. Then there was also the ‘Towards the sun’ track, another nice Home OST from her. Concerning her 8th album, I really don’t know what direction she is going with it. The first single, ‘Four five seconds’ was impressive and gave me high hopes for the album but then the trashy ‘Bitch better have my money’ single was realised and I was like ugh???? Which was followed by the lukewarm ‘American oxygen’ Well, all I can say is the singles have underperformed so far especially as Rihanna is known as the queen of singles, I mean she has like 13 nos 1 single and so far none of the three singles released from her upcoming album has reached top 3 on billboard hot 100. Something’s not right.

               

#np: As real as you and me – Rihanna

Guess it’s not in my nature to write a short piece after all. I need to release all these feelings I feel. I am a loner and there was once a time I enjoyed being that way; dark, depressed and moody. I enjoyed drowning in it with depressing songs but I am older now and everything seems to have fallen in place so being alone isn’t really working for me.

I have realised I am most happy when am with company but then I go home and the darkness falls. Lately it’s been hard and I feel myself falling into a dark place. I feel like I have been jinxed.

Being around friends and colleagues all day, then hangout with them at weekends but they are just colleagues mostly and there's a limit. Not that complete support system you really need. Can't lean too much on them, they have their own lives else one would become a burden on them. Funny, I have never had it so good before like everything is just working out fine and going smoothly. Nothing to distract me from my reality that there's a space somewhere.

I need fixing.

Mostly I need company. I am not looking for marriage or a relationship. I still have work to do on myself (please don’t ask) and stuff to accomplish before I can even start thinking of marriage.

I won’t make the feeling of loneliness push me into getting into a relationship or shii...I am lonely and what I need is a good friend(s). Friends who are close by not the ones in Lagos or in other cities, not those I only communicate with via cyber space (not saying I don't appreciate those I currently have, they have been amazing especially those that refused to be pushed away). I don’t know how people survive in long distance relationships/marriages, there’s just this thing with being with the person physically, seeing them. Even if you are not saying anything just having them physically present is enough.

I’m thinking maybe I should move out for a while, move in with a colleague at work or something. The thought is there hanging, not seriously pondered on it yet. I don't want to start talking with my walls.

Uniben is right opposite me as my friends say, but students are a major no no for me. I warned two of my colleagues about them, they didn't listen. One went through the craziness last year, the other is currently being dealt with. Even Olugbenga in Lagos had same experience with the student he decided to date...(he'll kill me for this, hehe)

There's just this ogbanje spirit they all seem to have, the drama they bring can last you a lifetime. I don't have energy or the power for such games and gimmicks. What I need is stability, something innocent and real. No drama, no games just true friendship and no, not a relationship. Maybe i'm asking for too much?

So much I need, so much I hope for, so much I have but this empty feeling I just can’t shake off...I hope it gets better in time lest I hurt myself to bring me back to life...

Well, what do I know? I am but just a kid... pray for me

EVERYONE HAS A PRICE

Before becoming president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) was a respected lawyer in Illinois. One day a criminal came to him. ‘I would like to ask you to defend me’, said the man. Lincoln, who had a sneaking suspicion of the kind of person he was dealing with, replied with the question: ‘Are you guilty?’ ‘Of course I’m guilty. That’s why I want to hire you; to get me free.’ ‘If you admit guilt to me’, Lincoln explained, ‘then I can’t defend you’. The man reacted with amazement: ‘But you don’t understand. I’m offering you a thousand dollars for your services!’ Although a thousand dollars was a large sum of money at the time, Lincoln resolutely refused. The criminal replied, ‘Mr Lincoln, I’ll offer you two thousand dollars if you defend me!’ Again Lincoln refused. In desperation, the criminal played his trump card:  ‘Mr Lincoln, you’re the best lawyer in the area. I can’t have travelled all this way for nothing. I’ll give you four thousand dollars.’ At that moment Lincoln flew from his seat, grabbed the man by his collar, dragged him out of the office and threw him into the street. When the man had stood up and pulled his clothes straight, he asked Lincoln: ‘Why did you throw me out when I offered four thousand dollars? Why not for one or two thousand, or when I admitted guilt in the first place?’ Lincoln replied: ‘You were nearing my price!’ 

As William Shakespeare put it, ‘For who so firm that cannot be seduced?’ Everybody has a price; the question is what that price is. Lincoln knew his price. Do you know yours? How much can you be bought for? And what is the price of people you depend on, or for whom you are responsible? How ‘price-elastic’ are they? 

Called from- Why good people sometimes do bad things: 52 reflections on ethics at work by Muel Kaptein