THE THING ABOUT NOT KNOWING

#np: Unsteady - X-ambassadors

It hurts terribly when all you can do is watch while the people you care about go through pain.

There are things money can solve, but then there are also things money can’t solve. Those are the ones that hurt the most. Words can only go far in soothing pain.

We all have challenges in life, but some people have a greater measure...

They say ignorance is bliss. I agree. Sometimes not knowing gives you an easy way out. Being in the dark protects you.

Most times I tend to stay away, I try not to get close. I don't ask questions or want to know, not because I don't care, but because I know how messed up I can be emotionally. I hate seeing people go through difficulty, worse is when I’m in a helpless position to ease the pain.

There was a day I had to use my colleague's driver to go on a call. I was in a chatty mood that day. I felt like bonding with the driver. A young chap, agile and all (he is about four years older than me). I wanted to understand why he settled for driving at a young age when he could have tried some other more lucrative stuff.

I started by asking if he was married. He said he was. Then I asked if he had kids. He did; ‘three kids.’

We continued talking. He said he has been married for three years and I was like and you have three kids? So every year you were popping them out?

He said his wife had triplets but two of them died.

That moment I perished inside.

I went numb, not because he said two are dead, but because initially he said he has three kids. He obviously isn't over the loss of the kids. He still considers them. God!! People are hurting and going through pain in this life!

What kills me is our African culture of not knowing how to process pain. All we know how to say is God knows best, take heart, you are a man. Crap! Crap! Crap!

People are hurting and dying within themselves every day, hour, minute, second…. It's sad how we pay little importance to mental health in Nigeria.

I managed to mumble my condolence about the death of his kids then fell silent for the rest of the drive. I got reminded why I try not to get close or ask questions. Really, not knowing is the easy way out.

When I let someone in, I tend to let them in completely and I carry their hurt and pain like it's mine. I want to make them not feel pain, so imagine how horribly I feel when I see them hurting and I can't take away the hurt.

Some weeks ago my good friend, a married man, over forty years cried in my presence. My heart bled and it sucked so much because I couldn't reach out. We were in an open place and I knew he could use a hug but because of how messed up our society is, I couldn't even hold his hands, let him know he isn't alone or let him know I’ve got him.

Seeing those tears broke my heart into pieces and all I could think about is how unfair life is. He is the most humble and nicest person I know yet life has brought him to his knees.

He confided in me and told me how he was in so much pain one day, crying in front of his wife and he prayed aloud that since God doesn't want to take away his pain, he should just kill him but then he remembered his children...

I have four younger ones I care so much about. The lemons life has thrown them is enough to make drums, not even jars of lemonade. It breaks my heart because all I can do is talk and ask how they are doing, do one or two things to make them smile. But what they are going through, I may never be able to fully understand or comprehend. Sometimes I find myself wondering why isn't it me? Or if it were me how would I feel? Or how would I have handled it?

When they are down, I'm down. I've never really told them expressly but their pain is my pain. If I could, I would have taken their place.

Back then in university, I went through dark periods, suicidal thoughts and several periods of mood swings and depression. I had those days when I’d go to bed with a heavy heart. I’ll manage to sleep off and the pain goes away. I wake up feeling lighter and for a few minutes the world is fine. Then I remember…that moment a dark shadow falls over me and the hurting resumes.

This I went through all on my own, till I finally opened up to a few friends I was lucky enough to meet. I survived it but I lost something in the process. I became withdrawn and secluded. I grew up in a Christian family where prayers are supposed to make everything alright. It is faith above science (instead of both working together).

I was dealing with things I couldn't talk to any member of my family about. I got withdrawn gradually. I was lucky to find friends who I could talk to. The truth is, there is science and there is faith. I believe in God and I also believe He gave us science to apply in our daily lives. (I’ll leave this for another post).

During my dark days, I withdrew from my family because they didn't get me, prayers weren't what I needed. Since they wouldn't have understood, I had to seclude myself because I feared if they got too close they will see through me and see all my demons which I know they wouldn't understand.

Now this is affecting me badly. My younger one is hurting but I can't be there because we don't talk about those kind of things. All I do is watch from the distance and hurt and wonder, trying to figure what's going through that mind.

This is someone that looked all set for life, everything was going well and then life happened and everything totally changed course. Each day my mind drifts to the thought of what if things were different? I have to consciously kill such thoughts because I know they are not of any good.

Life happens; things change and we find ourselves in a whole new territory. We either wallow in self-pity and completely lose out on life or we chose to ride it and fight on.

When the issue was really bad, I wouldn't ask for results of the tests. I didn't want to know what the doctor said or what the options were. Oh wait, at first I did. But I realized I was losing it. It got to a point that my elder ones even began cautioning me as they felt I was now even becoming a bigger source of concern.

"My weakness is that I care too much” - Scars (Papa Roach)

I decided to step back and not know. When I leave the house I’m a totally different person. I laugh, I joke and I’m ever smiling. I've mastered the art of not letting my pain show.

I’m at a dilemma, do I keep my sanity safe by not knowing or do I reach out and then have my emotions tear me down?

Lately though, I decided to stop running. Get involved, but not too involved. What I’ve learnt is that the major thing about surviving pain or any situation we find ourselves is how we manage ourselves, our minds especially.

Thankfully things have improved a lot and I too have improved from living on the edge, thinking that one day it would all come crashing and we will back to where we began. Unconsciously I see myself counting the months things have been fine, trying to keep my hope going. Trying to not care too much but how can I not?

Not knowing gives ease, makes it easier for you to deal. But then, there are so many people out there hurting that need someone to lean on...

Not knowing is an easy way out but it’s not the best. No matter how much it hurts, we should strive to be there for others.

‘Being there for others, because you know what it’s like to not have anyone there for you…’

LESSONS FROM ENUGU (be nice to those who cook/handle your food)

From the moment I got the mail informing me of a one week training in Enugu, all I could think of was how superb it would to be off work. It was going to be my pre-leave, after all we now have pre everything abi? From pre-wedding pictures to pre-birthday pictures to even pre-sex pictures *smh

I really didn’t care for the course content, all I needed was the time away from the office. The only thing I had to contend with was packing. I hate packing. Worse, I hate unpacking after a trip. I didn’t want to pack too much but yet I couldn’t seem to know just exactly how much to pack for a one week trip neither did I want to be the one with the biggest bag.

Sometimes I wish work was like school days, where you go on breaks in between semesters, like we have first term, second term and third term with a month’s break in between (this is the point I envy teachers). I mean, working month after month from January to December is kind of killing. The one month leave is really not enough. Maybe if it were the standard 8:00am to 5:00pm kind of job it would have been much easier, but 7:30am till God knows when with some work filled weekends can be quite the kill.

This post isn’t about me whining about my unending work hours. It’s about my beautiful trip to the Coal City, though it was almost marred when Franklin and I broke the golden rule - don’t offend the person that cooks your food.

Before going to a new city, it’s normal to have expectations or opinions, based on what we have heard or read. Two things surprised me about Enugu –

-       The city has very good roads, and it was quite impressive. The neatness of the roads is also worthy of mention.(yet in Benin City we say Oshiomhole is working, correction, worked during his first tenure)

-      One thing that really got me surprised, was the music played by the radio stations. The plan was to go with my headphone but when Elvis saw the picture of the beats by Dre pro on instagram, he said it wouldn’t follow me back to Benin. That was the point I decided it would be a no music trip. I’ll keep my ears buds free to enjoy the natural sounds. I totally ruled out enjoying any form of music from the stereo as I expected it will be kparakpor all the way, with OAPs trademarked by their deep Ibo accent.

I was totally impressed with the jams the radio stations played, right from Anambra to Enugu State. It was like the stations stole my playlist. Both recent and old jams were played. It was all hits, back to back!

At a filling station where we stopped to buy gas I heard Troye Sivan’s Wild playing from the speakers of the station. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I had to let it out and express my amazement at the quality of music the radio stations had been playing, I never experredit! Even stations in Benin hardly play Troye Sivan!

At the training venue, the first thing we saw after we had settled down was a slide show. The first slide had some questions against a black background, first questions was – why are you here?

I laughed.

Next thing that popped on the screen – because HR asked you to?

Followed by – You needed time off work?

Hehehe…Whoever prepared the slides read my mind.

On Tuesday evening, Franklin and I went down to the hotel’s restaurant to order our dinner. The person on duty that evening was different from the guy who had been there since our arrival that Sunday. The new guy got our billing wrong. Franklin got really pissed and insisted the boy speaks to his Manager. He left us and came back few minutes later saying he hadn’t been briefed by the person who handed over to him about the concession for us.

Franklin was having none it and asked to see the Manager himself. Well, I tried to persuade him that it wasn’t necessary but Franklin insisted. Off we went. The guy followed us.

Franklin hadn’t finished making his complaints when the Manager turned to the guy and gave him a total dress down. He practically tore him apart with harsh words right there at the lobby in front of everyone. Gosh! I felt so bad, but what could I do? Some people and their awful disciplinary skills though. Well, I know that’s what most pissed-off customers want to see - an erring sales person being properly chided by their boss. But common, you can reprimand in a civil way without taking away their dignity.

The Manager apologized to us and finished the boy off with a promise to sanction him appropriately. We placed our orders and after a while the same boy brought our meals to our individual rooms. Around 4:00am I woke up with a sharp stomach pain…the pain was so terrible, at first I thought it was PUD again but after a while I knew this was something else. That was the end of sleep, at some point I had to rest on the toilet floor. It was that bad.

I felt a bit better at the break of dawn. I wasn’t myself, then I saw Franklin, he too wasn’t looking good. We began asking people if they too had stomach upset, maybe it was the food, but everyone who ate same thing were all fine. That day was horrid for both of us. We spent a better part of the training period lying down outside.

At a point I had to say what was on my mind. I asked Franklin if he wasn’t sure the guy we reported hadn’t poisoned us out of anger, because it seemed too much of a coincidence that it was just both of us having the pain meanwhile other people that ate same thing were all okay. To top it all, our food was brought by the same guy!

Franklin said we had to pally the guy immediately we got to the hotel that evening. I quickly agreed o, I didn’t go to Enugu to get killed ni.

The moment we got to the hotel, we headed straight for the restaurant hoping to see our ‘dear friend’. Thankfully he was on duty. Maybe we were giving the warning dose, we had to make amends before he gave us the final dose and that would have been it for us.

We exchanged pleasantries, made small talk with him before chipping in that we didn’t expect his Manager would react that way and hope he didn’t punish him as he had threatened. The conversation went well. We sat for a while and discussed football with the guy for about ten more minutes before leaving.

Honestly, I was scared of ordering food or eating again in that hotel. But it was already late, I couldn’t go out to get food. The pain had subsided and it seemed the guy had forgiven us. I had no choice, I needed to eat because I barely had anything to eat all day due to the pain. I went for something totally different from what I had been eating since my arrival.

That’s when I stumbled into t it – fried goat meat.

I’m not really the beef eating kind of guy.  I hate anything beef. I tried eating ram one time, it didn’t go well with my system so basically I wrote off meat including goat meat. All I’ve been eating for years now is poultry products and snail (as far as I didn’t see the bird alive or I didn’t partake in its killing).

Staring at me were three pieces of goat meat. The first bite got me regretting all the times I had goat meat in my food but gave it out. Now I’m officially hunting fried goat meat, well for someone who hardly goes out that’s going to be one hell of a hunt.

FRIED GOAT MEAT.

PUBLIC HOLIDAYS – THE EMPLOYEE’S BEST FRIEND…

Public holiday! The one thing every worker I know loves so much. A very important thing about public holiday is, what day of the week would it fall on? The best are those that fall on a Friday or Monday, meaning a longer weekend.

So I decided to chill out this past public holiday. I had Monday and Tuesday free. The plan was to take time off reality and just relax/unwind. I practically slept all through Saturday, then on Sunday I completed the first part of the two in one John Grisham novel I borrowed (The Last Juror and The Broker). Monday I did chores and read before heading to my colleagues place in town. That night I saw the movie – The Shallows starring the ever so beautiful Blake Lively. The next day, which was Tuesday, I saw another movie – The mechanic (Resurrection) starring Jason Statham.

Oh no, I didn’t see the movies alone, I had friends with me on both movie days. I chose the last Showtime (7pm) on Monday and the very first Showtime (11am) on Tuesday because I knew the cinema halls would be empty. What could be more annoying than watching a movie with people who are noisy or always clapping or some pressing their mobile phones and then the light from the screen gets into your eyes?

Aside the customary popcorn, I did have some nice stuff to eat - overpriced Chinese rice with sea food (strangely I actually enjoyed the sea food) shrimps to be specific. Normally I hate anything sea food. I finally got to taste the milkshake I have always wanted. The one thing that was on my list I couldn’t get was the Irish special smoothie that has a bit of baileys in the mix. That stuff is amazing.

Anyway, what hit me in all these purchases is that almost everything is billed in thousands of Naira in this country! There is no such thing as cheap hangouts anymore! Totally sucks.

You watch foreign movies and the amount spent on a ‘date’ is like $5, $2...A simple cup of coffee, burgers and fries. The price maybe be equivalent to our bill of a thousand naira plus and above but common, hearing such tiny amount is kind of encouraging. Definitely a sort of jedi mind trick, but I sure would feel better paying single digit on the surface…

Say you want to have just a casual hangout with someone, take a walk in casual jeans and simple t-shirt. It shouldn’t cost much biko, or bore a big hole in your pocket. It’s little things that take the pressure off us; take a walk, enjoy the calm of nature, buy fries and burgers, hot dogs or shawarma…, have a smoothie with you or ice cream or any drink that you fancy. 

These things should be very affordable and readily available. One shouldn’t have to save for that simple hangout or have to consider that ‘there is rice at home’ and actually cajole him or herself that it doesn’t hurt to spend on one’s self once in a while to unwind. *sigh

****

I have always written about being truly happy, enjoying the little things of life and just living that picture you have of a perfect happy life. Well, it's actually all a process. One step at a time. I decided to take my advice and start living that simple, quiet life I have always visualized, doing the things I love.

First step is to develop my hobbies. Turns out my hobbies are quite expensive to achieve. But I know it’s going to be totally worth it. Drive to a deserted field, take numerous shots with my DSLR camera, read different blog posts or any interesting article online, write a post or short story on my dream laptop, listen to music and hear every detail of the instruments in the song via my Beats by Dre earpiece. Take my thoughts off work and life pressures, slide into my lil safe haven of happiness.

I think the most fortunate persons are those that make money from doing things they truly love and have passion for. They’ve turned what should have been their hobby to a career. But then that's risky for me because I tend to be too intense and then take it so seriously that I would end up killing the fun.

For now I am focused on understanding my camera, it’s quite tricky but I know in time I would master it and take really great shots, maybe start covering people’s occasions with time. Scratch that, I doubt I want to do photography for money.

I was watching a movie recently – The Perfect Match staring Cassie and Terrence J, there I saw it! My perfect dream house or something similar to it, but then how to incorporate a surrounding farm to the building and make it a farm house is the major puzzle now. I’ve always said I would design my house myself, well the initial structure before an architect gets to do the final work. God willing my dreams and desires shall come to pass.

Like I once told Makua, there is a picture of what we all desire in life but to get there we just might have to do some other things we don't really enjoy (sort of like we are making sacrifice now) in order to be able to achieve our desires in future. So yea, I’m working my ass off now trying to raise capital to achieve my goals, with proper planning and majorly God's grace I know I’ll get there.

Notice how major part of this post is about me? Me doing stuff I love, me enjoying my own company and being happy by myself…? yup, because this –

“The thing about being single is - you should cherish it

Because, in a week or a lifetime of being alone, you may only get one moment

One moment when you're not tied up in a relationship with anyone…

One moment when you stand on your own, really truly single

And then, it's gone…”

(How to be single movie closing narration)

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid an employee, waiting eagerly for the next public holiday

MUSIC REVIEW – BLUE NEIGHBOURHOOD (Troye Sivan)

Let me just put it straight and simple; if you don't like Troye Sivan's music we can't date.

Avidole gave me Troye Sivan's Wild EP early this year. After about a month of laying idle on my phone, I listened to it one afternoon, while doing chores. I didn't really pay attention to the songs.

A month ago I was trying to sleep, I decided to sample albums I hadn’t played in a long while. Then I heard the track - Wild! Let's just say I didn't sleep again. I had to Google him. Who the heck was Troye Sivan? I can't exactly remember how I went from Wikipedia to YouTube that day in trying to unravel the pure talent named Troye Sivan.

I stumbled on his Blue Neighborhood trilogy videos comprising the songs (Wild, Fools and Talk me down). The videos are everything! Sad, beautiful story filled with the misery that comes with a lost love. The videos tell a story of innocence, young love, happiness, confusion, pain, loss and well…forbidden love.

The Trilogy video was recently nominated by MTV in the newly created category – Breakthrough long form Video against works by Beyonce, Chris Brown and Justin Bieber. Word on the street is that the category was specially created so Beyonce’s Lemonade can be given an award. Only time would tell.

I had to download the entire Blue Neighborhood album and I’ve been playing it ever since! My favourite track is Talk me down. There's this calming effect the song has on me. The song is about loss and dealing with the pain/loneliness that comes with it, the longing for the good old times. The opening lyrics hit me the first time I heard the song -

I wanna sleep next to you

But that's all I wanna do right now

And I wanna come home to you

But home is just a room full of my safest sounds

….

I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone

My favourite lines of the song is –

I know I like to draw that line when it starts to get too real

But the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal

Another song I love very much is Heaven. The lyrics of the song is a no brainer. This is one song I relate to. The struggle to live right but then how much of you are you willing to sacrifice to live right or basically your entire happiness is on the line.

Without losing a piece of me

How do I get to heaven?

Without changing a part of me

How do I get to heaven?

All my time is wasted

Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh

So if I'm losing a piece of me

Maybe I don't want heaven?

Wild, Fools, Blue, Youth, Suburbia, Cool, For him, Ease - are feel good songs on the album. Then songs like DKLA, Bite, Lost boy, Heaven and The Quiet would drag you down that beautiful melancholic road.

What I love most about the album is the deep lyrics, no song here has cheap writing or cliché wordings.

This is the kind of album you play when you need to take your mind off things. Take a trip to no place in particular, have Blue Neighbourhood album on playback. Relax your thoughts as you drive. The windows are down to allow the passing breeze beat against your face. The calmness of his songs takes you to that place of tranquility.

The one song I needed to have heard before the war - The Quiet by Troye Sivan.

This part of the lyrics just sums up exactly how I was feeling while the silence was raging:

I'd rather be spitting blood

Than have this silence fuck me up

....

And I don't wanna walk away

But you left me no choice

Only talking to myself here

Now you've muffled your voice

I'd rather have broken bones

Than feel myself turn to stone

Aaah! Just tell me

Say anything

Anything hurts less than the quiet

I don't mind that I know that you're wrong

I don't mind that you think you're right

All I want is a fight to fight

Anything but quiet

DESIRE

That one person you keep running into at work. They always call out your name softly, you wave back with a weak smile. Most times, they walk up to you, taking your hand in a handshake and hardly ever let go.

You can see the burning flames in their eyes. Their eyes says it all. They want you. You can trace the gaze of their eyes to your lips. Most times, that’s where their eyes are fixated.

The desire is so loudly spoken in the silence between moments that lingers.

They try to make small talk always. Even when the conversation is over, they try to keep it going, not wanting you to leave. You can almost feel the pain in their chest when you depart.

You know they want you, you know they crave to place those lips of theirs on yours. To know what you taste like. Feel the softness and tenderness of your lips.

A light touch of lip on lip, desire bursting in firestorms as the blood rushes through raving veins.

Lips part, the kiss goes deeper and tongues begin to explore.

They long for you…

But you don’t want them. You won’t lead them on. So you don’t play along or make allusive moves that’ll give them green light. You keep acting naïve and oblivious to their longing.

Sometimes when you feel alone and vulnerable, you see them walk by. Your mind wanders, what if you indulged. Just once. 

It wouldn’t hurt, shouldn’t hurt. Office romance? The scandals that could follow.

Be spontaneous and do something crazy. Set your boring life on fire. They brought the gasoline, now you light the match.

But then their finger plays with yours, you feel the metal rub against your fingers.

Your eyes travels down to their finger…in that moment, the gold band reminds you once again.

This one is definitely off limits.

But it sure feels good to be wanted….

RECESSION IS REAL

My boss shared a piece on recession he read online and I found it very enlightening. Considering the difficult economic climate we are currently facing, I feel it’s important I share excerpts from the post with you guys.

Lately my mantra has been ‘there is rice at home’. I can’t count how many times I have told myself this to prevent myself from spending recklessly. See, truth is economy don cast and we all need to save.

In case you are wondering what I mean by there is rice at home, I got it from a meme I saw on twitter which said – when you grow up and start making money for yourself, that’s when you understand why your parents always told you there is rice at home when you were a child.

The times are hard and we have to be smart, learn how to cut our expenses and manage our scarce resources.

What is economic recession? 

An economic recession is simply defined as a significant decline in the economic activity spread across the economy that usually lasts more than a few months. More economically speaking, a recession is a decline in a country’s Gross Domestic Product or a negative real economic growth for two or more successive quarters in a year. 

What happens during recession?

1. Rise of Unemployment rate

During a recession, there is a general trend of rising unemployment rates and decreasing overall output. With fewer people contributing to the economy, the overall economy is bound to be affected. Income growth would be stalled. While there would be more people in the market looking for employment, the demand for recruiting people is far lesser.

When people are earning lower incomes, their spending power decreases. As such, there is a reduction in spending. Businesses are limited in their ability to pass along any increases in expenses in the form of higher prices. In order to move goods off the shelves, businesses are more likely to reduce prices. This eventually causes deflation.

With prices drifting downward and commodities becoming more affordable, consumer spending will once again kick off and increase. The increase in consumer spending, over time

, leads to an increase in industrial production. This in turn improves corporate profits leading to increased employment and improved earnings, etc. This is how the economic cycle takes place.

That’s why people say economy won’t grow continuously without recession.

2. Stock market plummet

People are generally conservative during recession. Those who lose their jobs because of recession start selling off their investments because they need money to sustain while they get another job. The increased number of people selling their stocks causes the stock market to fall sharply

3. Real Estate plummet

During a recession, people turn to fiscal conservatism. This affects the real estate industry as well, as there is lesser demand in the real estate market. People put off buying and selling of property during the periods of economic recession. Another scenario is where the increasing levels of unemployment during a recession cause affected homeowners to sell their home to accommodate changing job demands.

On the other hand, because of the higher supply of houses on sale as compared to the low demand, an economic recession will forcefully reduce the selling prices of homes. As such, the economic recession has a positive impact on potential homebuyers. This is also because there are lower mortgage rates that are caused by changes in interest rates.

How to prepare for recession?

1. Create a worst-case scenario

Create a worst-case cash flow forecast. Predict how bad it could be if you lost your job or if your business dropped in sales by about 50%.

2. Build up an Emergency fund

Prepare an emergency fund with enough money to cover at least 6 months of expenses.

3. Have a consistently rebalanced investment portfoli

This ensures that you lock the capital gain of certain asset classes when it is booming.

4. No matter what field of your profession, always strike to be the best

Always strive to be the best. Avoid becoming redundant or “fat” in your company. If you do not prove your worth, you will be the first to be led to the exit door during a recession.

5. Diversify your income source

Please beware if you are in a business that serves just 1-2 major customers. You will be at a great risk during a recession. For employees, work out some forms of alternative income besides the main employment.

6. Know your funding sources and manage the relationship properly

Another way to prepare yourself for a slowdown is to know your funding sources and manage the relationship properly. Remember, when funding sources tighten they do so selectively and this applies to their sources of business as well as the credits.

7. Learn to live on less than your income

You may see pay cuts in your job during an economic recession, so look now for ways to trim your budget as much as possible.

8. Last resort – compromise on your lifestyle

When everything doesn’t seem to work out for you, go for the last resort: try reducing your lifestyle dramatically. Sell that luxury car. Move to a smaller house. Cut down on expensive dining.

Cash is King

Cash is king during recession. It is only in your best financial interest to acquire assets (stocks, real estate) during a recession.

Conclusion

There is a possible recession looming. Some people will be harmed and subsequently, the economy will be blamed. They are probably right now maintaining the status quo and simply hoping it doesn’t happen.

Prepare now and you will find that you will not be affected very dramatically. This will leave you in a better edge. Preparation for a recession will enable you to react to changing times and take advantage of select opportunities.

This was copied and I felt I should share it, given the times we are in. 

PSYCHO ANALYSIS

I’m not a good person.

I’ll say I’m more of a flight risk. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not proud of it.

I need to understand that people are not toys, and they have emotions just same way I do. I can’t keep pushing people away and thinking it’s okay to come back later.

It’s been dark and gloomy the past few weeks, but now I see sunshine and rainbows, but that doesn’t give me the right to barge into the lives of those I pushed away during the dark days.

Human relationship has never really been my strong suit. It’s funny how I moved from being that jovial guy in my childhood, the guy who played and laughed with everyone to this paranoid, timid and screwed up kid.

I guess as I grew up, my demons began to show up. Slowly I moved from that outgoing kid to the loner teenager up till my late twenties. Now I can best describe myself as being isolated.

I’m an indoor guy, I love my peace and quiet. I hate dealing and any form of argument. It makes me go mad and crazy when someone is trying to make me deal or talk things through. When I do talk shii out, it’s like my energy starts getting drained with my system working overdrive.

I should have seen it coming though, when I was in primary/secondary school, I was that guy who rarely went out during break. I’d stay the entire thirty minutes in the classroom while most pupils would be out playing games. Apparently my indoor/loner nature has always been there.

I long gave up on people. Why? I realized people are not worth it. I give so much and expect same commitment but lo, time and again I get disappointed.  Or back in those days when I foolishly used to trust people and open up to them about issues but all I get was being misunderstood (very frustrating) or my words being used against me. Slowly, I let it all go, there’s just no use. Then again people’s hypocrisy and judgmental nature just put me off totally. So basically, I try to shut people out and stay in my cocoon but life doesn’t work that way.

I get to interact with people and I don’t know why despite my trying to be on my own, they still find a way of drawing close and then my madness starts and it all gets messy till well, we either strike a balance or we just tear apart.

I'm very insecure, shy and private. Forget I tend to pour out stuff on this blog, I hate someone figuring me out without me opening up to you. I want it to be on my terms. That's how Aweezy was scaring me then in training school. I'm used to people misunderstanding me, infact, I’m highly misjudged. But Aweezy saw through me and he gave me a complete analysis of myself one day. I didn't let it show but I was scared. I felt naked, like I wanted the ground to open and swallow me.

I like my opening up to be on my terms, not by you looking into my soul and figuring me out. When people start talking about me, I start getting jittery like you are going to cut deep and expose my demons and you won't be able to handle it. You'd finally see me but then you'll walk away leaving me in the cold because you can't handle it. Anytime I’m the topic of discussion I just stay smiling but really I’m all nervous inside and dying slowly, holding my breath.

It’s hard being me. “It’s not easy to be me” – Foo Fighters

So much shit I’m dealing with - withdrawal phases when I just want to be alone and don’t want the world to see me or when I have to shut down my social media to stay away from peeps. Then there’s me constantly telling myself I don’t have OCD, so I try not to arrange those naira notes in a particular pattern, or do stuff in certain routine or try to actually leave some unread emails and some notifications unanswered but nah…I still break at times, or the constant urge to check if I locked the doors. *sighs

So many wars I’m fighting within me it becomes a bit exhausting living. I’m weird and I don’t like most things other people like. I have long given up on trying to fit in. I remember in SS1 when I actually bought Ja Rules rap album, same with 50 cent and Eminen’s albums. I was going to force myself to like rap music and also start watching soccer, at a point I got tired and said to hell mehn! This ain't my shiii !!

Most times I want need to stay away from people, not because I desire to, but because I think I have done enough damage already. I have ruined enough friendships and I’m tired of giving people the impression that I am unstable or crazy.

But in all, one thing I need to know is, when I decide to push people away, I should know they also have feelings. They are not puppets, I have no right whatsoever to go back to them like I never left. It’s not fair toying with people that way. I think maybe I’m better off alone, away from the world. A little secret; I actually feel better (slightly relived like a weight has been taken off of me) when I push people away during my dark moody days.

I should really learn to deal with stuff and talk things over. That’s the mistake I made in my last relationship. I should have talked things out like every other normal human being does, instead of just walking away. Also, I need to lower my expectations from people, just do things because it’s who I am. The guy who likes assisting when he can and loves providing solutions to problems. I need to constantly remind myself that because you are nice to someone doesn’t mean they too would be nice to you. Sucks, but that’s just how life is.

The world seems messed up to me and people are not really all that. I hate shallow conversations and idle hangouts. I love reading novels, blogs, any interesting content and music. One thing that has really kept me from losing it is music. I would have totally wigged out by now if not for music.

I have built this small cycle of friends, let go of excess weights and drama in order to keep myself sane. Life seems so much easier being alone (or have I taken the easy way out?), what I need to learn how to live with and enjoy is the loneliness that comes with it at times.

Isolation is not protection. No amount of distance numbs the pain – Lisa Gardner (The next Accident)

Well, what do I know...I am but just a kid.