GETTING BACK TO ME

DISCLAIMER: I tried to make this post short, but the words just kept pouring out. I eventually broke it down into two parts. But then, it was still lengthy. I tried, I swear I tried to shorten it/further break it into parts but sometimes, things just fit perfectly well that if a piece is taken out, it loses its steam, so please bear with me.

It' been about a month or less after the break up (or me walking away). I don't feel hurt. Probably felt pissed once or twice about my wasted effort and time but nothing major - no hurt, heartbreak or that sort of shii.

When a major change happens in life, like in my case - losing someone that was a major part of my day and thoughts, one has to adjust and find a way to live with the change. Routines definitely would have to change. How I spent my Sunday afternoons became a major concern.  It took me a while to shake off the odd feeling of spending Sundays alone again.

Mostly, I’ll say I have been having withdrawal symptoms. I deactivated my instagram and facebook accounts. Chatting became a bore and conversations were forced online. I just had to respond to some people to be polite. I guess they may have felt my disconnect while chatting with them. At work I've cut down on people I flow with.

No, I’m not sad or anything. I feel like shutting people out and have some quality me time, be on my own for a while. Process things on my own terms in a healthy way instead of taking the easiest route of a rebound or random flings inorder to ignore the emptiness ‘freedom’ that comes with a break up.

For a while, Saturdays were the hardest. Being an indoor person, I like spending my Saturdays at home reading a novel, listening to music or watching movies/series on my laptop. But just being home became so painful and depressing. Worst part was my close friends who get me are far away in other states. I’ve just been unlucky to make really cool friends in Benin. (Yea, I know, ‘cus I lock myself indoors).

I needed physical company to help me deal with my withdrawal symptoms, cyber space conversations wasn’t going to help. So I had to force myself to hang out at the movies with a friend, though we really don’t share a lot in common or have similar school of thought but it was quite helpful especially as he took me to Uniben. He introduced me to his really cool friend. She made for good conversation and it felt really good, being out there having a decent conversation again with someone new.

At a point we alienated my friend from the conversation when we started talking about music. He got tired of us, but common, its music and that’s my passion! She spoke about a new kind of music that’s the ish now - EDM (electronic dance music). I have tried listening to such songs but it just doesn’t appeal to me. I like real music, live bands, and acoustic covers. I want to hear the clear strings, the instruments contrasting against deep lyrics that have meaning, not some electronic formulated up-tempo beats. I can’t relate to EDM.

I felt alive when I got home and chatted her up on whatsapp hoping to continue our conversation and forge a new friendship. But she wasn’t online at the time. The euphoria gradually wore out and I slowly started withdrawing. I’m that kinda lazy guy who needs encouraging. I need to be dragged out of my dark corner. I may really like you and be into you but sometimes I get so lazy that I need you to drag me out but once I’m comfortable with you and we are on, I’m going to be so all over you. I wish she’ll figure me out and drag me out but I fear she isn’t the type to do so. She seems more like the ‘a guy ought to chase after me type’ (I sincerely hope I’m wrong).

Last weekend after training at work, I decided to chill with two of my colleagues, actually we went to see the new X-men movie. It was refreshing hanging with them, one of them I already knew, and the other I was meeting for the first time. It helped again, not being alone with myself but having random conversation and actually enjoying the conversations even though it was mostly surface stuff and not deep ish I do normally have with my close friends. But the physical company helped, well I knew I would probably not be hanging out with the new colleague in a long time to come but I enjoyed the ease it brought that moment.

Random conversations, living the moment and moving on from it waiting for the next, hoping the withdrawal phase passes.

I have been having a strong desire to shave my hair for a while now, but I can’t because the Oba died. It’s tradition for males in my city to shave their heads in honour of the dead Oba. If I do it now, I won’t hear the last of it at work. I choose my peace of mind.

I keep telling myself this withdrawal ish has nothing to do with my break up but I know it’s in a way an off shoot of it. I’m adjusting and trying to get back to who I was before I got involved. Though I’m still left wondering how is it that I don't feel hurt? Or heartbroken? I'm beginning to question if I was truly in love. I know I cared deeply and to a large extent felt I was in love. I remember several times when we were still together, I’d try to imagine how it would be if we broke up. To be honest I never saw myself feeling pained or broken.

Maybe I wasn't deep into it as I thought but I know I wanted us to work and I really loved what we had. My feelings obviously weren't that deep yet, probably because of my doubts, I subconsciously didn't allow myself get too involved. I mean, it's almost automatic, your response to someone who doesn't make you a priority.

Aside that, I remember when we first met last year August and had a brief fling. Then I know I felt that crazy freaky feeling but this February when we decided to date, that initial feeling was gone. Probably that's why we were stable initially. It was smooth, easy, no long chats, flaming hormones going wild et al. We had passed that initially phase of the rush of emotions you feel when you meet someone new that you are really attracted to. By then we knew each other to an extent with the full knowledge of each other's shortcomings. Our fling last year revealed a lot about our individual personalities. My short temper was revealed along with my penchant for asking direct questions.

I went in hoping things would be better since we knew what ruined us in August, that this time around we would be able to sort those things out and it would all work out fine. Mostly I hoped the seemingly uninterested attitude would die. That’s mostly what put me off last year. Someone would like you but still be dragging fit doing like they are forcing them. That stopped when we started dating, but apparently metamorphosed into something worse.

After the break up post, of course my friends chatted me up to know what's up and if we had worked it out...Mazino was like I should have waited and talked and had several conversations on it. That people change and all.

The sad truth is people rarely change. If they change it’s because they grew or they actually decided on their own to change or they got bored and needed something different or nature just took its course. No one can really fix anyone. We fix ourselves or life fixes us.

The thing about being the one trying to fix others and make things work is you'll get burned out. I have been there before, the one always trying to fix things. You will talk today, they would listen and change for a week. Next week they are back to their old self, you get hurt and then have the conversation again and they change for a week, then relapse. It’s an unending torturous cycle.

Truth is, if you want to be a fixer be ready to walk in cycles and bear the pain that comes with it. Eventually you'll realize they would never change, by then you have been hurt so much, bruised over and disappointed a thousand times.

Then you decide you are done and can take it no more, so you walk away. Your absence hits them and then they realize their wrong, but you are far too gone and can't let them back in. So they go and meet someone else and it works out fine with the new person because life has taught them through losing you that they really need to change.

Your walking away has made them better persons and all your talks still rings in their head and they actually become better persons but they are with another person. So all your pain, and all the bullshit you had to endure were all to make them better persons for another person. Meanwhile you are still single (or not, but most times they move on faster than you, after all you are the one who’s energy got drenched), wondering how come that person who put you through so much is doing ok in their new relationship.

Or you could take the lazy way out. You stop trying to change them and just endure their bullshit and wallow in the pain and unhappiness because you chose to stay. Or you decide to live in denial and make excuses for them. Biko who are you fooling?

In my opinion, you can't fix anyone. It takes the grace of God for people to actually decide to change, but one thing is for sure, they would have to be the ones to consciously decide to change and fix themselves. You can't fix anyone, don't kid yourself. God is God and you are not him.

No one is perfect, know what you can tolerate and live with. If you can't deal, please walk away for your own sanity. Don't drain your energy trying to fix another human. It's not worth it. But if you are already married then that's another story entirely...This advice is strictly for the unmarried. That's why we shouldn't rush into marriage. People say you can never know someone completely, that even when you get married you'll see character you never saw while dating. Well, I’m not married so I wouldn't know. But I do know we always see the signs in the beginning but we ignore it, hoping for the best.

Do I feel lonely? Yes I do but not because my heart yearns for love. I just want good company. Someone with same taste in music, cool headed, someone that writes and reads too and has access to series and good movies also. I mostly need someone that'll challenge me to write more and achieve things I have in mind. And mostly, someone who is present. I don't have energy for cyber space kinda thing. Lately, chatting has become a major bore to me. Like it saps my energy and my fingers have become so lazy.

Two things:

1. I need to delete a lot of pictures from my phone and laptop.

2. I need to sort out my music playlist on my phone once and for all (when I look at the scattered playlist, I feel clumsy like my life is in disarray).

I wish I had a good laptop with sound battery and a very good ear piece. I'll drive to an eatery, order junks and get it all done. My laptop battery is nothing to write home about and the laptop adaptor has magically refused to work on any other socket aside the one in my room. How that's possible, I really can't explain. I took it to the office it didn’t work, took it to another branch, same thing. After suffering the burden of travelling with it to Lagos, it didn't work. Yet it works and is even still working plugged to the socket in my room. *sigh

Talking of my room, I was toying with the idea of getting a place of my own in town. I almost did but then, the laziness of moving as well as the fact I’m really comfortable in my Dad's compound. The free house, no rent to pay, no going to the market to get food stuff, no paying of light bills, plus I recently did some furnishing in my apartment. I stay in the two bed room flat behind. Got everything I need and rarely get visitors. Just me, my peace and quiet. So why move? Then again I’m still not sure about certain things career wise neither am I rather to walk down the aisle in the nearest future.

It’s almost three years now that I’ve been working and I still feel clueless about my career path. It bothers me at times, but mostly I just shake-off the thought. I'm working on a few things which are beyond my control, why kill myself with over thinking?

I'll just chill till they materialize then I'll make a decision. I’m thankful I have something going on even though I’m not so sure I really want to continue in this career path. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. Sometimes it's fun and really exciting other times it can be really killing and stressful, sometimes I just feel bored, then a new transaction comes and I feel alive, excited again bla bla bla…

But basically, I still don't feel like I’m all set, like I’m on a well-defined path, you get? Sort of as if my life hasn't started. But this is life, no rush ba?

Well, what do I know? ...I am but just a kid