CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF

After a long day at the office, I got down to my favourite activity just before sleep comes: scrolling through Twitter to get updates on what has been going on around the world. I use Twitter mostly as source of News and an avenue to release all the crazy going on in my head. It’s also been worthwhile as regards getting music referrals from the awesome music buddies I have come to know on the app.

Anyway, that day I was spent both physically and mentally, I needed to rant and get a few things out of my head. I tweeted something about how I keep hearing nice stories about things happening for others, but such never happens to me. Like I have to work hard for every damn thing and how I needed a break from this narrative, even if it was just once.

I deleted that tweet a minute after. I had to tell myself to shut up, literally.

You see, I let myself get lazy over the years. Even Reward Davies saw my laziness and left me alone. I can’t fault him tho, my indecisiveness must have made his head spin.

Looking back, I don’t have any regrets. I mean, on relocating back to Benin in 2014, I could easily have started a Graduate program at University of Benin and would have been done with it by now. But nah, I was damaged from working in Lagos and I needed to take time off to recover. Which I did, but I let it linger for far too long.

I was hiding under the excuse of ‘I’m not a hustler’. Don’t get me wrong, I am still strongly of the opinion that ambition is such bullshit which takes away happiness. I’ll still take contentment over ambition, but there should be a limit to this. A thin line between contentment and laziness.

Anyway, like they say, it’s never too late to make a change. No use regretting wasted time. I have already stated in my first blog post of the year that in 2019, I am going to put myself in inconveniencing situations. Those exams I have been avoiding, I would take them and I will prepare meticulously for them.

Why did I delete my tweet? Because I knew for real, luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. I am not naïve to ignore the fact that some persons, really do have it all planned out for them, but that’s just a few of the world’s richest population. Most of us need to actually put in some level of work.

I mean, even those friends I was referring to, the ones doing Masters abroad, or those that have left for other establishments all made a move. Even Dr. Uyi who is also a believer in the ambition is bullshit movement, I know the sacrifices he made to move to NY to practice medicine. I knew I was being irresponsible, wanting those nice things to happen to me as well without putting in the work.

I know I’m very good at ranting or should I say lamenting? but to a large extent I will say I have been intentional in not losing the essence of what life is about. My mind would always go back to 2016 when I had a paradigm shift. It hit me I was just existing. I was there wishing on a star for a better life. Constantly complaining about work stress and how it was consuming me, till I woke up and knew I had to be intentional about creating my own happiness.

“There comes a point where you have to suck it up, and stop whining and start living” _ Callie Torres (Greys Anatomy)

If I have been able to get it right as per my pursuit of happiness, why then am I finding it difficult to change the status quo as regards my career path?

January till date, I have been feeling stuck. Feeling like I am in a place where I no longer belong. I have had same job function for Five years plus now. God knows I desire a new path. As Makua aptly put it after reading my lamentation on Instagram, he asked “Do you like your job or you just want to experience another type of freedom?”

Here’s an excerpt from my post on Instagram –

‘My entire being currently feels stuck in a place I don’t feel I belong to. I’m still having the urge to tear it all up, burn it to the ground and start my life afresh. Cause chaos and for once know what it’s like to live with uncertainty.’

This change I strongly desire would not come from wishful thinking. I saw this tweet recently and it spoke volumes to me –

“If you want a better life, you have to be willing to pay the ‘true cost’ of a better life. Leaving behind old friends, bad habits, unhealthy ways, saving money, making new connections, e.t.c” – @Nappyb0yy

The cost I have to pay to change my narrative if I am serious about a new life path/journey is giving up my convenience. No more lazying about, I have rested and I have healed from the scars of working in Lagos. I am taking this post as me making a commitment to actually get up and do something proactive to change things.

Even if I don’t succeed, or things do not work out as wished for, I will be at peace knowing I did put in effort. That I made an attempt and I worked towards not just one, but two paths I am interested in pursuing.

For now I am a bit confused as to which I truly desire but nothing’s lost. I will chase all nevertheless and when it comes to the bridge of deciding which to go for, I will cross it.

Peep this lyrics from my current favourite song -

“You got to get up

You got to get up and make a move

‘Cause the world will never see you until you do

No, they don’t really care what you’re going through

So you got to show them, baby

…

‘Cause everybody’s got their own damn problem

So everybody’s trying to find their way

And day by day is the struggle

In this world you know you have to hustle

Just know that you are not alone

You don’t always have to be strong all by yourself

I said, it’s okay to ask for help”

-          Like you by Tatiana Manaois

“I don’t know how some people can just accept what life gives them and be okay with that. I don’t care if I have to struggle and go through the pain as long as it’s building the life I see fit for myself, I’ll take it.” – Luis Garcia

It’s really quite simple though, if you dream about a certain life, you gotta work towards making it a reality. Enough with the day dreaming and get to work! This post is mostly for me, first as a commitment and also to serve as a reminder I can fall back to just incase I derail and lose focus. Also, I want to believe this can also help someone make a stand to kick laziness to the curb and actively work towards that life envisaged.

I sincerely hope that a year from now, I’ll read this piece and I’ll smile with pride because it would all be worth it.

“Be intentional, you can’t afford to continuously let life happen to you. Figure out what you want and all the small steps required for you to get there.” - @glory_osei