“Everything’s so blurry
And everyone’s so fake
And everybody’s empty
And everything is so messed up…” – Blurry (Puddle of Mudd)
I know I said in my last post I had put a stop to drinking, oh well…I haven’t. It feels like a lifeline these days. After back-to-back daily work stress during the week and then school on Saturdays, it seems okay to let go and find temporary relief/comfort in alcohol on Saturday nights. I don’t see myself turning into an alcoholic or getting addicted (well till I got tipsy last weekend and started craving a blunt).
I ended my February post talking about being stable, and that the storm I faced in January had calmed. I guess I claimed victory way too early. It's mid-March and I feel broken, hanging by a thread.
Philip was trying to get me to pinpoint the exact issue troubling me. I tried to reply to his chat but I couldn’t find the words to type. I sent him a voice note and on and on I went. In summary, my personality make-up of being a Highly sensitive person/Empath is the bane of my existence. Oh, add anxiety into the mix. *Sigh
At this point, I don’t even know exactly what’s going on with me anymore. I know I feel overwhelmed constantly and I have spent all monthly trying to calm myself. This has never really been difficult to do in the past; pausing, staying still, and doing breathing exercises always worked. But these days, it’s been a struggle to center myself, and it wears me out even faster.
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Why do I feel this way daily? Is it because I’m yet to balance graduate school with my routine? It’s weird considering when I’m in class I love every moment and it’s a refreshing breathe of air to be experiencing different but familiar energy.
Or maybe it’s because I have refused to process the fact that my younger one had a little relapse and has been on admission for the past two weeks. I choose to not sit with this thought or feel anything about it. I have dropped this matter at the feet of God. It’s not in my circle of concern so I won’t let it break me any further
Or could it be the scary coincidence that my colleagues are losing their parents at the office? This has to be the major trigger. At first, we were all wondering what was happening, trying to draw a pattern of how many persons on my office floor have lost a parent in the last couple of months in quick succession.
But after Friday's news, it dawned on us it wasn’t even just my branch alone, but the entire Benin City region.
Tuesday last week, a colleague brought the photo album of her Dad’s funeral that was concluded the upper week. I couldn’t attend because I had to travel to attend another colleague’s mother’s funeral in another State.
Eme, one of my team members hugged her and consoled her. If only she knew the next day she will be the one being consoled. Mehn! Life! The next morning Eme called me to tell me she lost her Dad.
I lost it.
Everyone was concerned and asking what’s happening with all these losses? Oh, two days before this, a colleague in another branch had also lost his mum. While everyone had seemed to pull themselves together and moved on (life always moves on rudely), I was still a mess, no thanks to my personality that feels things more than the average person does.
I literarily froze that day.
I was having a rush of empathy for Eme and while also freaking out on the odd pattern that seemed to be unfolding. Eme was going to be the 5th person on our floor to lose a parent in a time frame, and who knows what number in the region?
Two colleagues had to stay with me as I fought back tears, visibly shaking. Afterward, I stayed alone for a long while, trying to get myself. I locked myself in and took a nap but woke up with a headache.
Friday, two days later, We got word another colleague and my pal in another branch lost his mother that morning. Mehn, it was too much! I couldn’t function or concentrate on work. My chest began to tighten and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I reached out to a couple of friends online because I couldn’t go through it alone anymore.
I took Philip's advice of going for a walk and found myself outside the building. I tried to distract myself by talking with a security man outside but this wasn’t helping. I had to find a place at the car park to sit for a while, doing breathing exercises and trying to not let my mind wander to scary territory.
****
Last week wasn’t pleasant.
Currently, I feel broken, torn, and worn out. My head keeps spinning constantly day in, day out. I tried to rest yesterday, as Sundays are the only free days I have now, but I felt sore for most parts. I remember getting to church in the morning, still seated in my car at the parking lot of the church. I attempted to take deep breaths as I normally do to calm my social anxiety before stepping into the congregation.
Taking deep breaths failed me. I didn’t feel any better.
I let out a shout, mostly out of all the frustrations of not being able to kick out crazy thoughts from my head. Normally this feeling lasts for a day or two. Having to deal with this constantly for two weeks going, is a bit too much for me.
If you follow this journal, you’ll know I normally update at month-end. But this is me writing mid-month for relief, to clear my head, and hit restart before March consumes me.
I did my chores yesterday, had melancholic music on for most parts of the day, and slept. The activities helped bring down my stress level. I tried reading but it only made me feel even more strained. I was jumping from one activity to the other looking for ease, for something to calm my weary soul.
I think I countered my efforts though, by putting pressure on myself to get fully rested ahead of Monday because I dread the feeling I have been struggling with each day at the office for a while now. I sit on my desk, trying to pause time so I can catch my breath. Fighting to kick out the thoughts that people are losing their parents in turns, that it's a pattern. Praying that it stops and doesn’t come near me. It’s a constant mental rollercoaster.
Did I forget to mention I broke my pact with my colleague about not buying non-essential stuff for the remaining part of the year? I’m back to shopping for relief. This escape is too expensive, so I have decided not to leave cash fallow in my account anymore.
Do I start questioning why I’m built this way? Is it possible to stop being a highly sensitive person? Can my genetic makeup be modified? If there was a pill to take, I will gladly take it because this feels all too much and I might implode if my head doesn’t stop spinning!
“I’ve learned that life is so cruel it doesn’t slow down or pause while you break” – Mofiyinfoluwa Okupe
“Is it just me or does anybody feel the way that I feel?
They’re just not being real
Tell me, is it just me or is anybody thinking all the same shit?
They are not just saying it
Or is it just me?” – Is it just me? (Sasha Sloan)
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Do I need saving? Do I need to be rescued?
Is my personality a venom to myself?
Is this my cry for help? Is anyone listening?
God, did you hear me yesterday morning when I was rambling to you even though prayer wasn’t the activity going at that moment in church?
The month still has several days to go, the first half of this month has been a blur. I sincerely pray the remaining days are easier. That 2021 gives me a break and I find balance. That I find ease and enjoy each passing day. That I’ll be whole and not just function in autopilot mode, but live and savor every waking moment of my existence.
I’m letting this out, and I hope the universe hears me and is kind enough to oblige me.
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour
And I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine” – Oceans (Hillsong UNITED)
