LAMENTATIONS PT. 2

They say don’t run away from your fears/troubles/problems/issues but rather you should face them and deal with them squarely.

What if I am not strong enough to face them now?

‘Man know thy self’ – Socrates

I am the one going through the pain or issue; I am the one feeling the hurt.  Sorry I am not the fun guy you used to know or I am a bore now, but hey do you realize I may barely be hanging by a moment? You can only empathize with me and wish me well but it’s I who knows exactly how it hurts. Then again why do you even need me to get better soonest? Is it because you really care about my well being or just for your own selfish reason? maybe because you need me to keep you company, drive away your boredom, make you laugh always or maybe help you complete a task.

I am me and I know myself well enough to know how much I can handle or deal with at a time. So let me run for now, because I am not strong enough to fight. Don’t pressurize me into fighting a war I am not ready to fight. Don’t bring me down with words, making me feel I am immature or weak. Allow me take things in my own stride because this is my life. Don’t make me fight with wounds that are still open, because I have to please you or meet up to your standards because I feel the need to make you see me as strong.

Allow me to crawl to a safe haven where I can heal and prepare for battle; if I face them now, even with you by my side I may not survive. Let me pick myself up and be ready. I am bruised, I am hurt and I have so much pain. I may be down now, but not forever. Yeah, I’ll get over it eventually and maybe even really soon but that doesn’t make it hurt any les right now.

Each person is unique and has his/her own measure of strength and ability to withstand hits. Don’t judge me by your strengths or capabilities. Let me process this and when I am ready I’ll come back stronger and ready, well prepared to face my problems.

At times things happen so quickly, it feels like your life is passing by so quickly you can’t even seem to catch your breath. Sort of, it’s as if an external force is has totally taken control and you feel you are not the one living your life. Everything becomes so overwhelming, you can barely breathe. This is exactly how I feel.

It’s like someone else is living my life for me. This is when I know I have to take a break. I need to breathe, like literally breathe in deeply and just inhale and exhale repeatedly in slow motion…shut the world out and just focus and take a hold of my life once again.

So no, I am not running but going through a process so I can get back on the right track before I crash or lose my very self in all this madness. Because at the end of the day all we have is who we are….

This song pretty much sums it all up... WHO WE ARE by RYAN CALHOUN

Mom and Dad

Don’t worry about your son

I’ll be ok

I’ll take these days one by one

Though the times are hard

I still know where I belong

I keep looking up so I can hold on

For now

I’ll choose this life I live

And for now I’ll choose to take my hits

Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who we are

Life hurry now

I’m running out of time

And I’m growing weak

As are these dreams that are mine

Though the days are long

I’m still running strong

I keep looking up

So I can hold on

For now

I’ll choose this life I live

And for now I’ll choose to take my hits

Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who we are

For now

I’ll choose this life I live

And for now I’ll choose to take my hits

Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who,

At the end of the day all we have is who we are

At the end of the day all we have is who we are

THE DAY I FELT LIKE JOLENE IN DOLLY PARTON'S SONG (MY HYPOCRISY)

“In fact writing this now, I realize I was the devil. People began asking questions and I didn’t care. I had the girl and that was all that mattered.”

Most of us born in the 80’s should know this popular Dolly Parton’s song. “Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene... Please don't take him just because you can…”

Well, something happened recently and it took me down memory lane to an interesting past episode of my life, which made me realize anyone is capable of murder given the right motive. Ok, that’s a little too much quote for what really happened, though what I did then was something I never thought I was capable of. Most times we have this set idea of who we are and certain principles we have and believe nothing on earth can make us derail. But then, when we finally get in certain situations we don’t recognize ourselves anymore, we do just exactly the opposite or maybe even worse. Let me stop scaring you now, before your mind starts working overtime trying to figure out exactly what I did.

One week of hypocrisy after my many talks. I’ll keep what I did in the past for now. Abeg nor vex, lol. So I traveled to Lagos recently for some personal stuff, and well I term it a journey of hypocrisy. Normally I hate playing the hypocrite but what could I do, it took just six days for my entire opinion about love and relationships to change. For once, I decided to put myself in the position of others who don’t agree with me. Wow! It’s amazing how opinions can change the minute you start living what you once were against.

That’s why I keep telling people, if you know you seriously do not agree with something, don’t even let curiosity make you explore, experiment or try it because you just might never come back. I remember once when I was a corper, I tried to be logical about the whole smoking issue. I told myself, how can I say I hate Pepsi if I have never tasted it? So I decided to smoke two sticks of cigarette, I purposely smoked two sticks to be double sure that I didn’t fancy smoking. What if after smoking even just the first I got hooked? That’s that about exploring as far as I am concerned. At times it’s safer not being logical about certain things. Just stick with your believe or opinion and stay safe.

Back to my one week of hypocrisy. I purposely decided to be the other guy! Yes, I know what you are thinking now; you are free to judge me. I have already judged myself enough. I admit being a hypocrite. After all my ranting in that my previous ‘I don’t want to be the other guy….again’ post right?

Oh well... I won’t deny it was fun and I really can’t say if giving the opportunity if I won’t do it again. Ok, to be frank, I wouldn’t do it. I still don’t agree with cheating, be it emotional or sexual. Either way it is hurtful and disrespectful.

I realized being the other guy is kind of fun or easy, that’s if you don’t foolishly develop feelings for her. Just know you are not the main guy and so you don’t have to handle the relationship stress and commitment ish. You know your role and your place and you don’t ask for more. You are the fun guy. The one that’s there to keep her company when he is playing xbox or watching Chelsea game. Hahaha

Seriously though, it’s so easy. Set the rules and you both know what’s up and where the line is drawn. The best part is you are not exclusive so you are free to hang out with other girls too. Ok, I need to stop myself here before I get carried away. It’s all wrong and I don’t encourage anyone to live this kind of life; helping someone cheat is just as bad as trying to steal someone else’s girlfriend.

Well, in all, I had to stop and act right. But damage has already been done. In truth I am not a relationship kind of guy. I have always said that jokingly, but seriously now I know I am not. Commitment scares me, not really though. For now, I just am not interested. I am not thinking of getting married in the next three years so why should I tie myself down or start suffering all those relationship troubles? The other day three friends and I had planned to go to the cinema, then the couple amongst us had a quarrel, to cut the long story short, that’s how our trip ended. Relationships and their woes…pttf! I am so not interested. When I am ready for marriage then I know yes, I am ready to deal with all the shit that comes with a relationship and all the commitment stuff. But for now I have other priorities and I just don’t need extra stress.

For now, let me be single and enjoy all the attention. You know say my market they sell, lol…

I am free to hang out with whoever I please; I don’t owe anyone any explanation. I can hit the cinema with whoever, even go on harmless dates and all that. Well, I am not saying I would do all these with people that are in relationships. It’s going to be strictly single people who just want to hang out. One thing I would never do and I have never done even though I have had opportunities, is to lead someone on. So once I notice they are getting sort of attached or developing feelings, that’s when I apply the brakes and have that awful I am not ready for a relationship speech. Yea, hurtful but a stitch in time, saves nine.

So I was in Lagos and I met up with a friend. Last time I checked, she was single. Then I got that feeling I normally get when something’s up. My sixth sense kicked in and I started putting all the dots together and then I realized she had a boyfriend. I asked her, she confirmed it. I tried to back off but she said there was no problem that we are cool, so I relaxed. Well it was fun and all that. I knew the way she once felt for me before, but seriously who sent her to have a boyfriend? Killed all the fun sort of. Anyway one thing led to another and she kissed me.  Before you start thinking over time, I don’t agree with pre marital sex and I am proudly a virgin. Yes you just read it; I am a virgin, proudly. Bite me!

She came around often during my stay in Lagos; we chatted freely, laughed, went to an eatery, and did other stuffs. It was fun, no pressure of any sorts. Though my conscience kept reminding me this was someone else’s girl friend. Sorry no juicy gist.

I came back to Benin at night and the next morning there was a message waiting for me on my blackberry. She was no longer in a relationship! My heart started pounding! What have I done? This was 2009 happening all over again (please don’t ask what happened in 2009). Hope she hadn’t done what I was thinking? Hope she hadn’t broken up with her boyfriend because of me?

I asked her what happened. From what she said, it was not about me. Hmmm….I still have my doubts though. I smartly worked in the fact that I am not a relationship kind of guy, at least not yet into our chat and she got the point. Actually I hope she did because today she sent me that cheesy line I hate - ‘so you don’t want to chat with me again?’ gosh! I freaking hate that statement!!

The thing is this; the whole one week of hypocrisy came just few days after I had mad fun with a single friend of mine, though she was just coming out from a break up. I sort of just wanted her to realize how much fun being single can be and I strongly believe that the company of friends helps one get over a break up quickly. But I am smart enough to draw a line whenever they start to use me as rebound. It’s all for their good because rebound hardly ever ends well.

Last night I thought about all I have done in the last two weeks and my new perspective on relationships. This is what I want, to be single and just have fun with friends. Not having fun with anyone in a relationship except of course if her boyfriend comes along. Then I remembered the very incident that made me hate cheating and being made the other guy. How could I have forgotten? I mean I literally preach with that my experience when I was made me the other guy and used to cheat on a good friend of mine. Well, that’s one story I won’t be writing about in a long time to come, sensitivity issues.

I was blameless at first because I honestly didn’t know they were dating. They were both having that secret kind of relationship where they keep telling everyone they were not an item. Guess three of us learned such relationships are just a free pass to endless cheating. Of course after the discovery and all, we broke up and things sorted themselves out. She went back to my friend who forgave her. I decided to move on with my life. Then I don’t know how it all happened. Guess we both still had feelings for each other even though she was still with him. Like they say, the heart wants what it wants. We were back again. And all hell was let loose.

I became someone else. Rebellious, stubborn and strong headed. I never in my life thought I would be that kind of a guy who would actually take another guy’s girl. Scratch that, not just any guy, actually my very good friend’s girl. This was the same guy that helped wash my jean trouser then in 100level. Remembering everything now, I think I was possessed then. Everyone got talking. Trust my classmates then, always ready to spread gist and rumours. Truth be told, I was heartless and I hate who I was then. I hate that guy and I loathe him.

Taking her from him was not enough; I started public display of affection (pda). That was enough proof that something had definitely taken over me. See, I am a shy guy and before then even after I dislike pda. Embracing a friend in public is hard work for me not to talk of….

In class we’d sit together, laugh, talk in low tones, go to night class together. We were all over each other while my friend was there reading at the other corner of the same very night class. In fact writing this now, I realize I was the devil. People began asking questions and I didn’t care. I had the girl and that was all that mattered. My friend who used to be lively became so quiet at night class; still I didn’t feel a thing.

Then came the day we were leaving night class together. As we were leaving, he slipped us a note. That note tore my heart into shreds. That note though short, spoke volumes. That was the day if felt like Jolene. In summary he said if I wanted to have her, I could but I should please at least show him some respect and not flaunt our relationship in class or in front of him. I couldn’t even look up at him. The pain in the hand writing and the sadness in his eyes…

So much hurt and agony I had caused ‘my good friend’. If it were a film I was watching or a story  I heard or some other guy doing such, I know I would rain insults on him and hate him so much, but it was me doing that very distasteful thing to some who cared so much about me. I feel so bad right now. That very day, that night in class, the yellow lights, the way his head was bent down, he knew we were reading the letter. His heart must have been so sore, full of anger. I had betrayed him. It’s amazing how forgiveness works. Well I guess all that’s in the past now. Funny three of us are good friends now and yes, he was among the friends I was supposed to hit the cinema with and well, he just called me a few minutes ago. Strange huh?

There is no excuse for what I did. What I did then was plain evil! And it would never happen again. Never again would I put someone through that. Never again would I cause someone that hurt. So each time I am faced with such situation again, I remember the look in my friends eyes, I remember the day I felt like Jolene. I was lucky enough to have my friend back but next time I just might have a knife stuck in my neck, well there wouldn’t be a next time hopefully.

I know it’s not easy to walk away and at times you just feel her boyfriend is not treating her right and you are the one for her. Still no matter how bad it is or how ill treated she is by him; as far as they are in a relationship you have no right laying advances at her. Even if she is the one coming on to you, be decent enough to tell her no. I was selfish and self centered. Lessons I have learnt and I hope there would not be another one week of hypocrisy ever again, not just hope, I am actually going to work towards it. Now I am ensnared by my write ups and I have my past mistakes to remind me.

MUSIC or BEAUTY?

“I make music to be a musician, not be on the cover of playboy” – Adele

I read this on twitter once - ‘I saw Tiwa Savage today, she isn’t even fine…’ seriously? I am confused. I thought we are after their works of art? If you want beautiful celebrities you can lust after or get obsessed with please go watch American’s next top model or any fashion television network.

This generation is so messed up with shallow people, it breaks my heart. Thank God for singers like Adele and Seal even our very own Nigerian Asa who have made success out of their music careers despite their seemingly not so attractive looks and sexually enticing pop images.

I find it odd when someone judges a musician by his or her looks or when someone makes a statement like ‘I don’t like him/her so I won’t listen to his/her song’. That’s how people miss out on great works and awesome records.

I am after music not your personal life or looks. If your song makes sense and I can relate to it or the beats get me groovy, I am definitely buying. I don’t care about your belief or your looks because that’s not what music is about.

I admire Kelly Clarkson a lot for not conforming to Hollywood’s stereotypes. I used to admire Jennifer Hudson, especially when she won her first Oscar. American idol told her she was too fat and didn’t have star quality, but she rose above that and even the so called weight that didn’t seem to be star quality was what was needed for her role ‘Effie Whyte’ in the movie dream girls which was her first movie and also which she won an academy award for best actress in a supporting role. But ever since her recent weight loss, I can’t really say much not with her short and revealing dresses.

But do I blame these artists? This is their source of lively hood so they have to make money by selling their records. The only way to do that is meeting the needs of those that’ll but their works.

Society claps for and appreciates sex appeal far above true talents. What do you expect from a musician who needs to pay her bills? It’s the society that makes these musicians pay more attention to their looks and appear in videos in outfits which leave nothing to the imagination. As far as people are buying their cds they keep doing same thing over and over again. In short society applauds mediocrity as far as it satisfies their perversion. If a musician wants to grow and take a new direction or have a different sound, the fear of losing audience keeps them back, they just think of the fame and money, too scared to venture out onto higher grounds, because our society has refused to appreciate true art or encourage growth.

I hold nothing against the kardashinas, in fact I give them props! People keep hating on them, branding them names like talentless individuals doing stupid things on tv and yet get paid millions. Truth is, if no one watches a show dedicated to these so called ‘stupid’ people living their lives, they would not be paid, and the show would have been cancelled in the very first episode. The joke’s on the viewers. They are the stupid people who have no lives that they have to sit in front of the tv and watch other people live their lives. How pathetic!

If I realize there is a market gap, and I all I need to do is sit on a chair and people would actually watch me and I get paid million, I’d definitely fill that need.

Our society is full of idiotic shallow individuals, which is why every artiste in Nigeria now sings mostly party songs with terribly written shallow lyrics that have no meaning or positive impact and the beats in every song on the radio sounds alike because those are the kind of songs most Nigerians like. I was reading Iyanya’s interview in the paper yesterday, he said after project fame he was doing R&b but he wasn’t making it because no one listens to such in Nigeria, so he decided to change his sound, and to his surprise kukere became a hit.

The market (society) is a driving force that determines what these artists produce. No smart individual will waste his or her time and resources producing a master piece that he knows no one would buy. So until society grows and starts appreciating true art, our musicians would continue churning out crap for us and continue focusing on sex appeal, releasing videos with nude girls, offensive lyrics and cheap written songs. The funny part is how hypocritical society can be. People would complain about the nude girls in videos and poorly dressed female stars yet they are the ones who encourage such by voting such videos for awards or giving them numerous air play that they become chart toppers while also secretly enjoying the nudity but openly criticize it.

I sincerely hope the next generation gets it right and appreciates true art and not long for shallow short lived sources of entertainment because this generation has really lost it…

Well, what do I know? I am but just a kid…..

WHEN LOVE BECOMES DESTRUCTIVE

Love is supposed to be a beautiful bond that holds people together, but at times love could be the very reason people are apart...

It sucks when love is the reason a friendship comes to an end...

There's this school of thought which says a boy and a girl should never be best friends except if they are married or one of them is gay.

If other wise, chances are one of them would develop feelings for the other and we all know what happens in such situations. You either keep your feelings to yourself or you express them and God help that friendship if the other doesn't feel same. Most times that's always the beginning of the end of the friendship.

Then again, there are some persons who make the best of friends being platonic but are miserable when they bring in romantic love. I know of two persons who are very great friends now, you wouldn't even know they have a history of two failed attempts at a relationship or there's been a period of hate because love almost ruined their awesome friendship.

It's a risky thing when your best friend is your girl/boy friend. What happens if you guys break up?  Not only do you lose your love, you also lose your best friend. Imagine the hurt and loneliness? This is usually the lot most clingers find themselves. When they are in a relationship they cling and build their lives around their partner, alienating their old friends and shutting everyone out...then when that relationship ends, they come back or suddenly want to hang out, chat or talk on the phone again, acting like they never left. If your friends love you deeply, they may forgive you but if not, they may give you the ‘talk to the hand” wave. I read this somewhere – ‘you know that tingly feeling you get when you have the hots for someone? Yea, that’s common sense leaving your body.’

“No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.” - Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City

Hiding your feelings and preserving the friendship? For how long really? That's serious case of dying in silence or hoping someday he or she will see through you and know exactly how you feel. Chances are you are going to keep waiting till the day they break the good news to you, with their eyes sparkling and a sheepish grin across their lips. They inform you they are in love and....wait for it...in love but not with you! That's the day reality would hit you and you'll finally awake from dream land.

Or can you be friends and hope the feelings would go away? Never! Truth is you are just going to fall deeper in love with each moment you share. Time spent together would just keep you falling more and more in love. Feelings are not mere switches you can just turn on and off. We are humans not robots. We need time to process and get over whatever we feel and the only way time can help in this situation is being apart from your love interest. You can't keep deceiving yourself that all of a sudden you have killed the feelings and switched over automatically to a pure friend zone with no romantic feelings attached. You are just going to burn till you either act out someday or crash, which I promise would definitely end that friendship for maybe forever...

All forms of relationship, be it friendship, love inclined, parent and child, employee and employer, just whatever form needs good communication and understanding to work fine. If you find yourself in this kind of situation, I feel it’s best you call your friend and express your feelings in a mature way and maybe you can start by reassuring them the friendship means a lot to you and that's why you want to come clean to avoid unnecessary complications later. If you are lucky, he or she may feel same way or even if she feels same way and you guys think things over and know a relationship isn't the best thing for you guys due to certain other reasons as we all know, love is never enough. Still if they don't feel same way, you both can come to an agreement that some time apart would be needed, to enable you get over what you feel.

This difficult conversation would save you both a lot of future drama and truth is you would feel a lot better after letting known your feelings because dying in silence is never fun. It’s like dying in a burning room endlessly, you wish to die, you crave for your final moment but it never comes.

At times love is beautiful, sometimes it leaves ugly scars

At times love builds, sometimes it destroys

At times love makes two become one, sometimes it tears apart

At times love is fun, sometimes love hurts

Depending on how you apply wisdom in handling it...

Well, what do I know? I am but just a kid...

Are You In A Relationship, Here Are 5 Signs That You Are Too Clingy by Shittu

It is clear nobody really likes a clingy girlfriend/boyfriend. Clingers are a huge turn off to anyone. Most times this trait is attributed to the women but some men too are clingers. You might think you are just protecting your own or just been jealous, but you might not know when it is considered as clinging. Here are five signs that you might just be a clinger.

SIGN 1: You Don’t Give Space.

If you really like or love someone it’s normal to want to be with them as much as you possibly can, but it’s really important to allow him or her to have some space. If your new boyfriend or girlfriend wants to go hang out, let them go. Don’t start nagging and asking a thousand questions like a detective, and don’t call or text them throughout the night to see what they’re doing. Give them that time to miss you. If you treat your partner like a prisoner, there’s a good chance they will get tired of you and want even more time away from you.

SIGN 2: You’re constantly worried they will leave or cheat on you.

Being insecure is never cute. It doesn’t take long for a person to get turned off by someone who is overly insecure. I think the insecure feeling has happened to most of us atleast once; however… If you are “constantly” worried that your man or girlfriend will find someone else and so you attempt to spend every waking moment with them in person or you hold them hostage on the phone purely out of fear they may find someone else and leave you… that’s a BAD sign and borderline psycho.

Speaking from experience… I once had a man who was a OVERLY insecure STAGE 5 clinger, it drove me crazy and was the death of our relationship. If you’re experiencing insecurities, ask yourself why. Does the person you’re with actually give you a valid reason to feel this way, or is it all in your head? If they give you reasons to feel that way… maybe that’s a sign you shouldn’t be with that person any more… if they are not giving you a reason then you have “issues” and need to figure out the real reason why YOU are so insecure and fix the problem before your partner really does leave you for someone else.

SIGN 3: You Don’t Have Plans of Your Own

If you NEVER make your own plans just in case he or she wants to do something with you, it’s a sign that you’re being clingy. When you are in a relationship, It’s important to have a life of your own. It can be normal to want to spend every minute with your new love (we all have been guilty of this) but the best tip to having a happy & healthy relationship is… not to. Make time for them but also try to keep your independent life and fit your new love into it. Balance is the key.

SIGN 4: You cut off close friends

At first i thought this was a female trait, but then i started seeing BOTH males and females become guilty of this. When you are in a relationship, its obvious and normal to have to cut back on the time you spend with friends, you have a new person you have to schedule in now… however, if it gets to the point where your close friends barely hear from you any more just because you have a new relationship… that's a GOOD sign that A) you’re a bad friend and B) you are being clingy and have no life of your own any more.
I have seen people neglect close friends because they have a new relationship and then when that relationship ends… they come crawling back or suddenly want to hang out and talk on the phone again. If your friends truly love you they may forgive your temporary insanity but if not, they may tell you to “kick rocks”. I once read a interesting quote that stayed in my mind… it said “a HEALTHY relationship makes all your other relationships BETTER”. In other words, if you get into a new relationship and all your other long time loving friend relationships fall apart… something is wrong.

SIGN 5: You Can’t be on Your Own

When everything you do in your life HAS to be done with your partner that’s another BIG sign you are being too clingy. If you don’t feel like you can go on your own to the mall, gym, shopping or to the bank there’s definitely a problem. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you should lose your individuality; eventually you will regret not being your own person and your own person and your partner may begin to lose respect for who you are.

Culled from informationnigeria.org (lifestyle section posted on 19 september 2012 by Shittu)

LONG DISTANCE 2

I wish long distance was a guy or lady, someone I could get a hold of and beat the crap out of. Seriously! It’s that bad…

I have met some really cool peeps this past year and long distance has always had a way of ruining it all for me. Forget love or relationship, these are people I would love to be really great friends with. People I get and they also get me. I feel like strangling ‘long distance’.

Certain times the only way to get through this thing called life is having the right people around you. Persons that’ll build you, bring you endless smiles and laughter, people you feel at home with. Just being around them lifts your spirit far above any cloud of darkness that seems to loom around especially when you are alone.

I loathe long distance with a passion. Yea, it’s good to be strong and independent but at times, it’s okay to lean on someone. Even though this is now sort of a cliché, the fact is no one is an island. This phase of my life I really want to be around people that bring light into my seemingly dark days.

I smile a lot and it comes naturally but seriously, I need people that would make me smile from the deepest part of my heart. Those who know me well would recognize that infectious smile - when I look all childish and my eyes light up, with a very big grin across my lips showing all the gaps between my teeth, lol…I’m already feeling dreaming remembering those times great friends made me smile that way.

I need to live, to surround myself with true friends and awesome people. I don’t want to continue this way or miss out on beautiful moments. Long distance seems to be my lot now, like I have been jinxed. What I wouldn’t give to get out of this blip! I know people would say if the bond is real, distance shouldn’t mean a thing.

Let’s get real for a moment here, long distance hurts, especially when you are the kind of somewhat clingy person. At times, being apart helps (no one loves to be suffocated), but certain times, being together physically is just the ultimate. Being able to experience great moments, breathe in each other’s joys and help support each other through disappointments and hard times… that’s what any form of relationship should be about.

When it comes to long distance I admit I am not strong to brave it. I just can’t go all the way. Tried it several times before and each time I got burnt, so now I just run, run, run, run…The torture, mental stress and all that it entails. I love my sanity and to be honest my poor heart has had enough failed awe-inspiring friendships be it my doing or the other’s or mostly the doing of long distance.

The thing with long distance is truly out of sight is out of mind, at first it’s always intense and the communication through whatever means is always regular. But with time, its slows down and you get so used to each other you don’t even notice that something is going wrong and then it hits you guys. Bit by bit you have drifted apart without even noticing…

In case you are wondering why this post is tilted long distance 2, I once wrote a note on long distance (you can go to January and search for it). Then I just put down my idea but now I am living it. You may call this frustration post; you are not far from the truth because I am tired.

Why can’t the people who are close by be the ones who have same likes with me? Like my kind of songs? Get me the way I get those far away or just be the ones I can have decent conversation with and have really remarkable mindset entirely different from that of typical Nigerians? Why must all the ‘cool peeps’ be far from me?

For now my case may seem hopeless but I do know I am a survivor and this would pass. Someday I would finally stick my tongue right in the face of long distance. I will surely survive this and no more would I run away from people because I don’t want to go through the strain of long distance.

Well, what do I know? I am but just a kid…..

Ps: I am really sorry for the hurt or pain I have caused because I was not brave enough to go the distance... (I hope they get to read this).

Memoirs of a sad heart

Currently having on of those sad moments when I can't really say what's making me sad but yet I feel like crying...

For once I am not in control and it's really annoying and scary in a way. These past two months have been so hard for me.
I hurt myself hoping, believing and trusting...
I was crushed terribly and brought to the ground. I needed a break from my reality. I was overwhelmed. I guess I was growing up finally, no more that guy who always got what he wanted. This is the real life where good things don't happen necessarily to those who work hard and obey the rules. Life indeed has been a learning process for me.

I know I have to be strong but I don't play the hypocrite. Never have and don't ever plan on doing so. I hate pretence. I believe so much in dealing with pain and healing completely before putting myself out again.
Why has our world turned into one where everyone has to fake a smile so no one knows you are hurting? Talk about dying in silence.

I was hurt and crashing but everyone around me expected me to act tough and brave, to act like nothing happened to me...really?
There I was faced with serious disappointments. I was in new territory. It was all so new to me...I needed time to heal, not to fake strength I barely had.
I shut everyone out and decided not to talk things out with anyone because I knew they would not listen, all they would say is that's life, it would get better, you have to be strong and all the crap!!

Not going to help at all...what I needed was someone to listen and just listen and tell me it's okay to cry away the pain, to let it hurt and process the pain, slowly I would pick up again when I have dealt with every single hurt. Not suppress it and then accumulate bitterness, pain and regret.
You wonder why some people are so insensitive, bitter and 'wicked' or should I say sadistic?

Don't tell me to be happy! There's a time for everything and that was the time to be sad...there is a reason God gave us these different emotions...
Anyway that's that...slowly I have picked myself up though I made a few avoidable mistakes while getting back on my feet.
I wouldn't say I have completely healed but I know I have made tremendous progress...

I found myself slipping in and out of depression. My own reality became a nightmare to me. I needed a distraction from my life. I started watching a series (make it or break it)...been so much fun till well, it ended today and all of a sudden I felt so empty and sad like a part of me had died. I was lost in a fairytale so to say.

Well, made me realise it's time I started writing again, like my good friend KCN advised maybe I should write about the emptiness I feel and truth is I feel so much better now I have written this...even far better than how I felt those times I was crawled up in bed listening to depressing rock songs, and letting their deep lyrics break and crush me...(In a weird way those songs did see me through) ...Nơw I just have to discipline myself and write. Normally people say they have writer's block but I'd say what I have is definitely writer's laziness because I have ideas but I am just damn lazy...avoid all distractions and just concentrate on writing because It seems it's the only thing I can get right now...don't even want to start with all the people I have pushed away this period and all the mistakes I have made, seems as if when I try to make things right I ruin it the more, so I have decided to just stop and stay away from everyone for now and let time heal all the damage I have caused...