Death and all his friends...

Such rude shock! Seeing her personal message on blackberry messenger with the words 'R.I.P'...I enlarged the display picture and behold...it was a secondary school mate. Another UDSS '05 fallen hero.


Life as we know is vanity. We are here today, gone tomorrow like the wind. I remember reading a tweet last year which said 'when someone dies, the rest of us become sullen, then take time to reflect on our lives and then life goes on'.


I'm probably having that reflection moment. All that keeps coming to mind is; 'it could have been me'. I don't understand how someone that young should just die. All his dreams, all he has suffered and gone through just to make sense out of life. All the efforts put in to be somebody.


The thought crossed my mind - if he had known he would die this young, would there have been any need to even go to school? Wouldn't he have just stayed home and chilled or probably just do what he loves doing best? maybe singing, acting, writing or whatever his talent was.


I know how tired I was of school. Even there was a time I contemplated dropping out of the university because of all the stress but I said I just needed to be strong and do what's right and expected of me. Imagine someone going through all these struggles and sacrifice, only to be cut short in his prime. He's not even able to reap one percent of his efforts. His dreams, job desires, beautiful family he probably dreamt of having someday, kids and wife. All gone with the wind!


This could have been me and if it was me, I ask myself now, would it all have been worth it? All my extra carefulness and being so hard on myself when I derail. Trying so hard to stay focused and live right. Doing my possible best to be a better person, even sacrificing so many things just so I can get this thing we call life right.


Maybe, just maybe all these are beyond me. Maybe it's time I let go and just live. After all what would happen, would happen and when death and all his friends come calling...what more can I do?


So I tell myself, it's time to truly live and be happy. No one says you can't have it all. Career, family, friends, education, love, happiness, laughter and all the good things of life. All that's needed is a positive approach, a forgiving heart and a mind that's open to change and of cause all these living will be useless without God.


In a twisted way, I wouldn't say I am scared of dying, I just don't want to die feeling short changed. I want to die feeling I have lived my life to the fullest. That I was here, I lived, I loved, I touched someone's heart and left my mark (Beyonce - I was here).


This evening feels so dull and painful. a shining star has been quenched by death's cold hands and once again, a rare potential talent shall be swallowed by the earth...so much untapped potentials lost.


When death and his friends come calling, I want to know my life on earth was worth it all...it's time to live, enough of trying so hard to get it right...this is my life, i am done fighting with myself...I'm done being a robot...now's the time to truly live...


Ryan Calhoun lyrics :
"This is your life"

It’s coming down
The weight of the world’s coming fast
If you wait around
You’ll see that it all comes to pass
Every time
You find out the world isn’t flat
Just trace the ground
You’ll find just where you’re at

Chorus
This is your life
Don’t try to get it right
There’s nothing here to find
I wish you could see how you burn so bright
This is your life

All the roads
You’ve taken right down to the end
At every turn
You’ve found something new begins
So take the right
And travel the long where it goes
All in time
You’re wonder how far you’ve gone

Chorus
This is your life
Don’t try to get it right
There’s nothing here to find
I wish you could see how you burn so bright
This is your life

All this time spent
chasing after
things that won’t survive

Chorus
This is your life
Don’t let it pass you by
There’s nothing here to find
I wish you could see how you burn so bright

This is your life
Don’t try to get it right
You’ve climbed to such great heights
and everyone sees how you burn so bright

This is your life
This is your life
This is your life
This is your life
This is your life

How did I get here?/ My Confession/ Rantings

I am officially scared of myself!

So the third one just left and I feel so apathetic about the 'loss'...I once wrote about not feeling bad when people leave because I have gradually gotten used to the idea that people always leave...but now I think I am fast becoming soulless.

Watching people leave and not even feeling bad or bothered. Whatever happened to that guy who so much believed in true friendship and love? How did I grow so cold? How did I get here?

I miss me and all my emotions...yes people complained I was overtly emotional and shii...but at least I felt human...I had feelings, I lived and felt. Way better than this robot I have gradually become.

True, you get hardened by situations...maybe too many people have walked out (scratched that I actually did push them away) but I decided to change last December and even open up and let new ones in...But I guess damage has already been done. I am now a robot who can't feel.

Looking back I realize it’s been a long time I really felt so strongly about someone. Yea, at first I used the fact that I needed to build a career but after yesterday's incident, I realize I am actually damaged. I have lost a beautiful part of me - my emotions.

My confession? Hmm... my 2012 resolution was actually to cut down on how I let people in, I decided to stay low and just stay away, let whoever wants to go leave freely and well, push people away. And I definitely did a good job of staying true to that resolution. My motto was 'out of sight is value'. Little did I know I was turning off my humanity so to say.

I feel bad right now. Losing friends has become normal to me. I don't even feel sad or bitter. Yes, I have my pride and ego but this is beyond that. If I do wrong I don't hesitate to apologize. But the rate at wish I lose interest and care little about friendship and the rate at which love is fast becoming an alienated word to me is really alarming.

The attention is still there, getting it normal but that's all vague. Nothing real. If it were then when I was doing that horrible selfish thing of using people to pass time, it would have been fun and all...enjoying the good times and even in a weird twisted way enjoying the pain also. But all that's gone.

I should have seen this coming. Right from 2011 when I began to lose interest in social networks and chatting, till recently when I'd just blank out for weeks from bbm and twitter...just wanna be away, alone getting perspective and focus. It’s all growth I guess, but I don't want to be this cold person who isn't afraid of losing people. I want to be human. I want to want to fight for friendships and even feel bad someone is leaving even if my pride stops me from fighting for them, at least let me feel something!

It's probably all the attention I get. Society has totally messed me up. I mean I get complements all most everyday...there's a long list of 'customers' even though I am not interested, maybe cus I know if they leave I still have a long line of would be friends that's why I don't care...but that's not living!

I seriously need to be fixed. One thing I know for sure is I can't live this way even though it feels so easy, no pain and heart breaks but still it’s not living. Emotions are a beautiful thing and I want to feel again. I need something different, Something real...something I'd be scared of losing...something rare and hard to come by...really wanna feel for real once again

But mostly I am tired of all the unwanted attention. Yes, I enjoy it at times but mostly it irritates me. Why can't some people have even a lil pride? Making me feel like a celebrity and all that...how do you expect me to respect and value you? Like seriously!

I wonder why people think chatting 24/7 shows true friendship, it’s annoying and suffocating! Arrrrgggghhh! I so hate my bbm right now...almost deleted the app self. I don't like being ignored but don't be all so clingy and all that crappy shit, that's the fastest way to scare me away. I need to breathe and be myself.

Even if you really like someone that much, must you show it all and give the person all the power? Who values anything that comes by easy? I like working hard for things, that's when I attach much importance to them and also wouldn't like to lose them. Same way I feel about people. All the care and attention showering is all a major turn off to me. In as much as I hate being ignored, I hate being crowded.

Should stop ranting now...probably this post doesn't even make sense anymore...now fixing my ear piece...gonna shut the world out with continuous repeat of 'iris' by Goo Goo Dolls and Coldplay's fix you...its not easy to be me...#fact

It’s a new year and I seriously need a change. Maybe it’s time I gave up on online friendships and all...seems to be the root of my problem...maybe I need more human contact also, this staying alone and melancholy feeling is really taking its toll on my sanity now. I really don't know anymore...but one thing's for sure, I hate this emptiness I feel and I do know I seriously need to be fixed...

CLOSURE

I may have walked away 

I may have been the one that left 

The one that put an end to us 

Because I wasn't ready to go the mile 

I didn't want to feel 

I wasn't ready to handle our issues 

Or deal with the work we both had to do to make us right 

I was too lazy to meet you half of the way 

Or did I feel like I was the only one trying? 

I chose the easy way out 

But now I long for just one more moment with you

Why is that? 

Because for me; 

There's no moving on and starting over without closure

You used to love me

You used to love me

You used to want me

So much I did mean to you

But now...

I can't tell what I mean to you

I remember when you said I still mean a lot to u

I try hard to hold on to that

But I fear it ain't so anymore

I feel like screaming: 'Don't walk away from me'

But lo, the words won't come out

All I can do is watch you leave without a word

My heart shatters each time I realise you are slipping away

Moving farther away from my reach

How did we get here?

Did I do this?

Did I seem to make you think I have moved on?

Did I do this to us?

Look what my pride has caused

You never hid it that you loved me

But I just couldn't let you know I loved you a little more

I just had to be in charge

Couldn't let you know you had such power over me

I held on too much to my pride

All I've got now is just me, my pride and all the memories I have of u

But the most important of all I have lost: you

I long for your attention once more

You look my way but you don't see me

I have become invincible 

Once upon a time I was showered by grace

Feeling blessed to have you in my life

You used to love me

But that was then and this is Nơw...

I DON’T WANT TO FEEL

#np: out of reach by Matthew Perryman Jones

This feeling I feel I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to want you. I don’t want to need you this much. It hurts thinking of holding you each night as I fall asleep. When I wake you are the first thing on my mind.

I don’t want to ponder so much on thoughts of you. I don’t want to get so attached to someone I can’t hold. I want to know what you smell of, to drive my fingers through your hair, to see the light shine in those eyes. I want to look deep into your eyes, get lost in them, drowning; lost in you. I want more than just thoughts of you. I want more than this haze I see around me. I want the real you. But all I have is this feeling and no you.

This feeling I feel hurts so much. I don’t want to get consumed by this smoldering craving for you. I don’t want to love you this much, at least not yet. They say in every relationship one always loves more. This seems to be my lot.

So I leave with you watching me slip away, fading into the dark. Each day I die a little. My strength diminishes each time I force myself to hold back. I dread each beep of my phone; half wishing it’s you, that’s my heart. And also half wishing it’s not you, that’s my head.

This feeling is killing me. It’s hurting me so much. I tell myself it’s just for a while. Soon I’ll be over it; but for now this is my hell. I go away because I don’t want to come across to you as a crazy and unstable person. Maybe if you were close by, just maybe if you were here this love would have been so much easier.

But for now, I don’t want to feel. This feeling is crushing me; taking me deep into depths of despair…

I am sinking so low. I feel empty. I can’t call for help as I plunge into a hollow pit. I see your face each time. Everything reminds me of you. Each smile that cuts across my lips wishes your eyes could behold them.

So much I want to share with you. So much I want to build with you. So much I feel for you. So much I try not to desire for you, for us. This feeling I feel has taken a hold of me. I don’t want it to fade away; I don’t want to lose you.

But this feeling I feel…right now I don’t want to feel because its slowly destroying me….this feeling I feel is taking me to a place far from your reach, far from where you can ever save me.

So for now, I don’t want to feel…

LAMENTATIONS PT. 2

They say don’t run away from your fears/troubles/problems/issues but rather you should face them and deal with them squarely.

What if I am not strong enough to face them now?

‘Man know thy self’ – Socrates

I am the one going through the pain or issue; I am the one feeling the hurt.  Sorry I am not the fun guy you used to know or I am a bore now, but hey do you realize I may barely be hanging by a moment? You can only empathize with me and wish me well but it’s I who knows exactly how it hurts. Then again why do you even need me to get better soonest? Is it because you really care about my well being or just for your own selfish reason? maybe because you need me to keep you company, drive away your boredom, make you laugh always or maybe help you complete a task.

I am me and I know myself well enough to know how much I can handle or deal with at a time. So let me run for now, because I am not strong enough to fight. Don’t pressurize me into fighting a war I am not ready to fight. Don’t bring me down with words, making me feel I am immature or weak. Allow me take things in my own stride because this is my life. Don’t make me fight with wounds that are still open, because I have to please you or meet up to your standards because I feel the need to make you see me as strong.

Allow me to crawl to a safe haven where I can heal and prepare for battle; if I face them now, even with you by my side I may not survive. Let me pick myself up and be ready. I am bruised, I am hurt and I have so much pain. I may be down now, but not forever. Yeah, I’ll get over it eventually and maybe even really soon but that doesn’t make it hurt any les right now.

Each person is unique and has his/her own measure of strength and ability to withstand hits. Don’t judge me by your strengths or capabilities. Let me process this and when I am ready I’ll come back stronger and ready, well prepared to face my problems.

At times things happen so quickly, it feels like your life is passing by so quickly you can’t even seem to catch your breath. Sort of, it’s as if an external force is has totally taken control and you feel you are not the one living your life. Everything becomes so overwhelming, you can barely breathe. This is exactly how I feel.

It’s like someone else is living my life for me. This is when I know I have to take a break. I need to breathe, like literally breathe in deeply and just inhale and exhale repeatedly in slow motion…shut the world out and just focus and take a hold of my life once again.

So no, I am not running but going through a process so I can get back on the right track before I crash or lose my very self in all this madness. Because at the end of the day all we have is who we are….

This song pretty much sums it all up... WHO WE ARE by RYAN CALHOUN

Mom and Dad

Don’t worry about your son

I’ll be ok

I’ll take these days one by one

Though the times are hard

I still know where I belong

I keep looking up so I can hold on

For now

I’ll choose this life I live

And for now I’ll choose to take my hits

Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who we are

Life hurry now

I’m running out of time

And I’m growing weak

As are these dreams that are mine

Though the days are long

I’m still running strong

I keep looking up

So I can hold on

For now

I’ll choose this life I live

And for now I’ll choose to take my hits

Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who we are

For now

I’ll choose this life I live

And for now I’ll choose to take my hits

Cuz at the end of the day all we have is who,

At the end of the day all we have is who we are

At the end of the day all we have is who we are

THE DAY I FELT LIKE JOLENE IN DOLLY PARTON'S SONG (MY HYPOCRISY)

“In fact writing this now, I realize I was the devil. People began asking questions and I didn’t care. I had the girl and that was all that mattered.”

Most of us born in the 80’s should know this popular Dolly Parton’s song. “Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene... Please don't take him just because you can…”

Well, something happened recently and it took me down memory lane to an interesting past episode of my life, which made me realize anyone is capable of murder given the right motive. Ok, that’s a little too much quote for what really happened, though what I did then was something I never thought I was capable of. Most times we have this set idea of who we are and certain principles we have and believe nothing on earth can make us derail. But then, when we finally get in certain situations we don’t recognize ourselves anymore, we do just exactly the opposite or maybe even worse. Let me stop scaring you now, before your mind starts working overtime trying to figure out exactly what I did.

One week of hypocrisy after my many talks. I’ll keep what I did in the past for now. Abeg nor vex, lol. So I traveled to Lagos recently for some personal stuff, and well I term it a journey of hypocrisy. Normally I hate playing the hypocrite but what could I do, it took just six days for my entire opinion about love and relationships to change. For once, I decided to put myself in the position of others who don’t agree with me. Wow! It’s amazing how opinions can change the minute you start living what you once were against.

That’s why I keep telling people, if you know you seriously do not agree with something, don’t even let curiosity make you explore, experiment or try it because you just might never come back. I remember once when I was a corper, I tried to be logical about the whole smoking issue. I told myself, how can I say I hate Pepsi if I have never tasted it? So I decided to smoke two sticks of cigarette, I purposely smoked two sticks to be double sure that I didn’t fancy smoking. What if after smoking even just the first I got hooked? That’s that about exploring as far as I am concerned. At times it’s safer not being logical about certain things. Just stick with your believe or opinion and stay safe.

Back to my one week of hypocrisy. I purposely decided to be the other guy! Yes, I know what you are thinking now; you are free to judge me. I have already judged myself enough. I admit being a hypocrite. After all my ranting in that my previous ‘I don’t want to be the other guy….again’ post right?

Oh well... I won’t deny it was fun and I really can’t say if giving the opportunity if I won’t do it again. Ok, to be frank, I wouldn’t do it. I still don’t agree with cheating, be it emotional or sexual. Either way it is hurtful and disrespectful.

I realized being the other guy is kind of fun or easy, that’s if you don’t foolishly develop feelings for her. Just know you are not the main guy and so you don’t have to handle the relationship stress and commitment ish. You know your role and your place and you don’t ask for more. You are the fun guy. The one that’s there to keep her company when he is playing xbox or watching Chelsea game. Hahaha

Seriously though, it’s so easy. Set the rules and you both know what’s up and where the line is drawn. The best part is you are not exclusive so you are free to hang out with other girls too. Ok, I need to stop myself here before I get carried away. It’s all wrong and I don’t encourage anyone to live this kind of life; helping someone cheat is just as bad as trying to steal someone else’s girlfriend.

Well, in all, I had to stop and act right. But damage has already been done. In truth I am not a relationship kind of guy. I have always said that jokingly, but seriously now I know I am not. Commitment scares me, not really though. For now, I just am not interested. I am not thinking of getting married in the next three years so why should I tie myself down or start suffering all those relationship troubles? The other day three friends and I had planned to go to the cinema, then the couple amongst us had a quarrel, to cut the long story short, that’s how our trip ended. Relationships and their woes…pttf! I am so not interested. When I am ready for marriage then I know yes, I am ready to deal with all the shit that comes with a relationship and all the commitment stuff. But for now I have other priorities and I just don’t need extra stress.

For now, let me be single and enjoy all the attention. You know say my market they sell, lol…

I am free to hang out with whoever I please; I don’t owe anyone any explanation. I can hit the cinema with whoever, even go on harmless dates and all that. Well, I am not saying I would do all these with people that are in relationships. It’s going to be strictly single people who just want to hang out. One thing I would never do and I have never done even though I have had opportunities, is to lead someone on. So once I notice they are getting sort of attached or developing feelings, that’s when I apply the brakes and have that awful I am not ready for a relationship speech. Yea, hurtful but a stitch in time, saves nine.

So I was in Lagos and I met up with a friend. Last time I checked, she was single. Then I got that feeling I normally get when something’s up. My sixth sense kicked in and I started putting all the dots together and then I realized she had a boyfriend. I asked her, she confirmed it. I tried to back off but she said there was no problem that we are cool, so I relaxed. Well it was fun and all that. I knew the way she once felt for me before, but seriously who sent her to have a boyfriend? Killed all the fun sort of. Anyway one thing led to another and she kissed me.  Before you start thinking over time, I don’t agree with pre marital sex and I am proudly a virgin. Yes you just read it; I am a virgin, proudly. Bite me!

She came around often during my stay in Lagos; we chatted freely, laughed, went to an eatery, and did other stuffs. It was fun, no pressure of any sorts. Though my conscience kept reminding me this was someone else’s girl friend. Sorry no juicy gist.

I came back to Benin at night and the next morning there was a message waiting for me on my blackberry. She was no longer in a relationship! My heart started pounding! What have I done? This was 2009 happening all over again (please don’t ask what happened in 2009). Hope she hadn’t done what I was thinking? Hope she hadn’t broken up with her boyfriend because of me?

I asked her what happened. From what she said, it was not about me. Hmmm….I still have my doubts though. I smartly worked in the fact that I am not a relationship kind of guy, at least not yet into our chat and she got the point. Actually I hope she did because today she sent me that cheesy line I hate - ‘so you don’t want to chat with me again?’ gosh! I freaking hate that statement!!

The thing is this; the whole one week of hypocrisy came just few days after I had mad fun with a single friend of mine, though she was just coming out from a break up. I sort of just wanted her to realize how much fun being single can be and I strongly believe that the company of friends helps one get over a break up quickly. But I am smart enough to draw a line whenever they start to use me as rebound. It’s all for their good because rebound hardly ever ends well.

Last night I thought about all I have done in the last two weeks and my new perspective on relationships. This is what I want, to be single and just have fun with friends. Not having fun with anyone in a relationship except of course if her boyfriend comes along. Then I remembered the very incident that made me hate cheating and being made the other guy. How could I have forgotten? I mean I literally preach with that my experience when I was made me the other guy and used to cheat on a good friend of mine. Well, that’s one story I won’t be writing about in a long time to come, sensitivity issues.

I was blameless at first because I honestly didn’t know they were dating. They were both having that secret kind of relationship where they keep telling everyone they were not an item. Guess three of us learned such relationships are just a free pass to endless cheating. Of course after the discovery and all, we broke up and things sorted themselves out. She went back to my friend who forgave her. I decided to move on with my life. Then I don’t know how it all happened. Guess we both still had feelings for each other even though she was still with him. Like they say, the heart wants what it wants. We were back again. And all hell was let loose.

I became someone else. Rebellious, stubborn and strong headed. I never in my life thought I would be that kind of a guy who would actually take another guy’s girl. Scratch that, not just any guy, actually my very good friend’s girl. This was the same guy that helped wash my jean trouser then in 100level. Remembering everything now, I think I was possessed then. Everyone got talking. Trust my classmates then, always ready to spread gist and rumours. Truth be told, I was heartless and I hate who I was then. I hate that guy and I loathe him.

Taking her from him was not enough; I started public display of affection (pda). That was enough proof that something had definitely taken over me. See, I am a shy guy and before then even after I dislike pda. Embracing a friend in public is hard work for me not to talk of….

In class we’d sit together, laugh, talk in low tones, go to night class together. We were all over each other while my friend was there reading at the other corner of the same very night class. In fact writing this now, I realize I was the devil. People began asking questions and I didn’t care. I had the girl and that was all that mattered. My friend who used to be lively became so quiet at night class; still I didn’t feel a thing.

Then came the day we were leaving night class together. As we were leaving, he slipped us a note. That note tore my heart into shreds. That note though short, spoke volumes. That was the day if felt like Jolene. In summary he said if I wanted to have her, I could but I should please at least show him some respect and not flaunt our relationship in class or in front of him. I couldn’t even look up at him. The pain in the hand writing and the sadness in his eyes…

So much hurt and agony I had caused ‘my good friend’. If it were a film I was watching or a story  I heard or some other guy doing such, I know I would rain insults on him and hate him so much, but it was me doing that very distasteful thing to some who cared so much about me. I feel so bad right now. That very day, that night in class, the yellow lights, the way his head was bent down, he knew we were reading the letter. His heart must have been so sore, full of anger. I had betrayed him. It’s amazing how forgiveness works. Well I guess all that’s in the past now. Funny three of us are good friends now and yes, he was among the friends I was supposed to hit the cinema with and well, he just called me a few minutes ago. Strange huh?

There is no excuse for what I did. What I did then was plain evil! And it would never happen again. Never again would I put someone through that. Never again would I cause someone that hurt. So each time I am faced with such situation again, I remember the look in my friends eyes, I remember the day I felt like Jolene. I was lucky enough to have my friend back but next time I just might have a knife stuck in my neck, well there wouldn’t be a next time hopefully.

I know it’s not easy to walk away and at times you just feel her boyfriend is not treating her right and you are the one for her. Still no matter how bad it is or how ill treated she is by him; as far as they are in a relationship you have no right laying advances at her. Even if she is the one coming on to you, be decent enough to tell her no. I was selfish and self centered. Lessons I have learnt and I hope there would not be another one week of hypocrisy ever again, not just hope, I am actually going to work towards it. Now I am ensnared by my write ups and I have my past mistakes to remind me.