2020 so far…

Is it too early to do a review of the New Year?

I stumbled on a powerful post by Oreoluwa Fakorede titled Talking to myself at 21 (everyone needs to read it). I remember Reward tweeting at me that January was not yet over and I had already read the post a hundred times.

The post is my unofficial guide for the year. Something to keep
me on track, to remind me to take a minute to breathe when my head gets clogged.
Most importantly, something to remind me that it’s okay to make plans and also have
things fall through.

I get that millennials seem to wing life a lot these days. I’m not okay with it. Maybe because I have always been that guy who loves to plan every detail. Even a casual hangout, I plan the entire itinerary in my head. But I have since learnt to give room for uncertainties. I can be spontaneous at times, but I prefer working with a plan.

How people go through life sort of aimlessly scares the shit
out of me. I get it reduces the chances of disappointments but still, I just
can’t throw myself to the wind and let it blow me wherever. It’s like sitting
and waiting for life to happen to you. I want to have a say in how my life
turns out, even though most things are out of my control but atleast I’d love
to feel I’m playing a major part in defining my path.

“You’re going to make mistakes. I wish that wasn’t true, but you’re
going to. You will let yourself down sometimes. Don’t wallow, don’t beat
yourself up about them and don’t settle where you fall. Learn the lessons and
move along at your pace. Getting lost while finding yourself isn’t only normal,
it’s purposeful. Your story will not be tainted because you missed a few steps,
that’s part of the journey. So be grateful for the wrong turns and treasure the
hard-earned wisdom for saving other people from pitfalls.” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

I had to ‘restart’ my 2020 several times in January. Things were
not going as planned. My finances were shit (thanks to the investment rates
that crashed December last year) and my application for a Postgraduate program
seemed to hit a brick wall. I sat with my financial spreadsheet almost every
day, making rearrangements, calculations and what not. It became so
frustrating, at a point I had to shut it all down. I read Ore’s post one more
time and decided to let go. I was not going to chase money and I was not going
to obsess anymore about alternative investment plans.

“Three things will call to you: money, power and respect. They will
scream your name. Do not answer, do not even think about answering, and do not
chase them. If you find the path that’s meant for you (and I pray you do), you
will have enough of all three, the portions you can handle.” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

I stopped looking at my spreadsheet. I pushed everything concerning
finances to the back of my mind and accepted that my finances this 1^st
quarter will be nothing to write home about. Only then did I find peace. Sometimes
to feel better, you just have to give up stop.

Talking about stopping to feel better, I finally stopped
hurting myself. I know Reward is going to frown while reading this part, and he’ll
definitely not approve (I can just see his face right now). I reached out to my
ex. Yea, the one I have spent the last four or five posts talking about in one
way or the other *face in palm.

Being my realest relationship to date and also the longest I’ve
had, there is no denying the impact the relationship has on me. I really wanted
this one ex wiped out of my memory. This is one ex I never wanted to be friends
with, unlike the FEW others I am still very good friends with. But I realized I
was hurting myself trying to do the impossible of erasing what we had.

We have both grown and learnt our mistakes. We’ve taken
responsibility and accepted our roles that led to the mess. As days went by
after my reaching out, my emotions settled and I found clarity. I felt lighter,
God knows my wanting to build a divide between us was a huge burden I had been
carrying for far too long.

I’m glad I reached out
as this has finally brought us peace. My healing process has been completed. I have
come full cycle and faced all the scars I was running from. Our first
conversation felt like therapy and I believe we both found healing in it.

“Accept your humanity and admit your weaknesses but don’t use them as
an excuse for bad behaviour. You can be better. Don’t lie to yourself, don’t
hide behind your moral frailty, don’t push change forward. Save yourself every
time you have the power to do it, always picking self-sacrifice (for lasting
rewards) over easy choices and temporary comforts. Cowardice has no true
benefit. ” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

You know how sometimes it feels like some persons come into your
life for a specific purpose? I had that experience first week of this month. I met
a representative of a new client I was to handle a business transaction for. The
funny thing is, the transaction got pulled immediately he helped sort out my
postgraduate admission issue. Our paths crossing was a clear answer to my two weeks
long prayer.

When it felt I was not going to get admitted, my mood began
to sink. Furthering my education is top on my list of 2020 goals. It began to seem
my plans for 2020 was fast falling apart. I started looking for short courses
or a professional course to register for. I wasn’t happy about it but I had to
make alternative plans while also praying for a miracle. Thankfully, God came
through for me via that chance encounter.

Ten years after my first degree I am finally going back to school.
Any regrets? None at all. Sometimes my head tries to mess with me, gets me
thinking if I had listened to my boss who kept telling me to go for M.Sc. back
then in 2015 when I had just transferred to Benin, I would have since completed
it. But nah, I have learnt to live my life according to my timelines.

I remember the guy who came back to Benin in 2015 after
working a year and few months in Lagos. I was a broken man in every sense of
the word. I was just recovering from a health scare, broken physically and in very
low spirits. I needed a very long rest to heal in a whole lot of ways. So no, I
don’t regret anything. I feel ready now and I know I truly want it. I mean,
2016 and 2017, I did get two admissions to graduate school but I didn’t go because
my mind wasn’t in it.

“Come second, bloom late, fail, whatever.
Your time will still come, it has to. You may feel left behind, like everyone
else is moving and you’re not. Please, it’s not true. For who I know you to be,
it just cannot be true. Your clock ticks for you alone, and as long as you
don’t waste the time you are given, you’ll find your way where you need to be
at the best time for you. You’ve heard this before but repetition brings
reinforcement: Love yourself. Be patient with yourself and have some faith in
your abilities. ” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

I asked someone recently if it’s possible to feel like you
are evolving into someone you don’t get. These days I don’t want to be seen. I have
long lost faith in humanity and learnt to be intentional about choosing my friends.
But these days I find myself on a new level of seclusion.

Once in a while I stay off social media, but I never thought I will be able to pull off being off Whatsapp (mostly because of work group chats). But boy! I have been off Whatsaap and twitter for two weeks now and it feels so amazing. Thanks to my phone that crashed. You’ll be amazed how free your mind is when you don’t fill it up with noise. Nosie here being those stuff you see on people’s status/stories or retweets from clout chasers.

“Don’t get carried away with things designed to disappear, that’s a
recipe for an empty life. The right company exists: the kind that nurtures,
shares your values, believes in your process, respects you and is going where
you’re headed. Find it. Until you do, do not be afraid to be alone. Aloneness is better than compromise. ”
- Oreoluwa Fakorede

I had to log on to twitter on Sunday because that’s the only
place to reach Mute. Owen called that he was asking about me as my whatsapp
messages weren’t delivering. The few minutes I spent on twitter made me feel
soiled, felt like my white shirt got stained with mud. So much toxicity and distractions.
I recognize this feeling, I felt it moments before I deactivated my Facebook
account years ago. I won’t fight it.

My focus these days has been on things that directly affect me
and matters most. My mind isn’t processing unnecessary information. My phone crashing
feels like a gift. I’m not in a hurry to get a new one. I’m enjoying being cut
off from a lot of persons. This is a rare priceless gift I want to enjoy as
long as it lasts, because I know my boss will soon start complaining about my absence
from the group chats.

When Ose asked why I cleared out my instragram pictures, I told
him I wanted to breathe. He didn’t understand and I didn’t bother explaining
either. I have gotten to the stage where if you get it, then you get it. If you
don’t, no need explaining cus I’d just drain my energy doing that and you still
won’t get it. I’m not sure I get who I am evolving into, it might be a phase,
but I love the seclusion that comes with it. Protecting my mental space is top
priority for me these days.

“Your time is not unlimited, not everything deserves it.
Neither does everyone. Measure it out like it would kill you to waste it,
because there’s no getting it back once it’s gone” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

Mostly I am thankful that so far 2020 has been relatively peaceful
mental health wise. I’m grateful for the calm and I pray it lasts. And I also
pray music gets better because the albums released so far have been below par.
I mean its February ending already, should I be worried? Or did I miss out on a
good album released this year?

I started this post asking if it’s too early to make a review
of 2020, I don’t think it is. If possible, we should do it monthly to make sure
we are on track towards reaching our set goals. In this age where social media
reigns supreme it’s so easy to get distracted.

“The best version of you is not trapped in a
distant memory or waiting in some undefined future. It is what you make of
yourself today. Leave the past alone, it has no power over you beyond what you
allow. Don’t obsess over tomorrow either, you can’t control everything. Accept
that and you will have a lot less to worry about. ” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

MUSIC REVIEW - MY TOP ALBUMS OF 2019

2019 saw
me opening up more to hip hop and Nigerian music. I deliberately decided to
expand my music reach but I still wasn’t able to embrace rap (I really tried
with NF’s The Search album) but as Dr. Paschal once said, Art is to be enjoyed
and not endured.

2019 saw
the return of veteran Boy bands – Backstreet boy and Westlife and well new age
boy band - Jonas Brothers. Avril Lavigne also made a comeback with a decent
album (Head above water).

I thought
we were done with deluxe album versions? Beyonce used to be very good at
releasing deluxe versions after we’ve all got the first release. Most times the
deluxe version contains less than five new songs, which are usually
underwhelming. 2019 saw this trend comeback. Culprits included David Archuleta,
Maria Carey and John Legend on their Christmas albums. Also Lewis Capaldi, Tom
Walker and Bastille (this band should have just saved the new material for a
new album rather than extend the Dooms Day LP into a ridiculous 21 tracks).

Speaking
of track number, I think the perfect track length is 10 tracks. 13 is fair but
anything more than that, there is a high chance of losing your audience,
besides with many tracks, the easier it is to lose track of the album theme.

I saw this recently on twitter –

This has
always been something I look out for in albums. The songs should be arranged
such that they flow and the album concept is not lost on the listener. Song
arrangement has always been a major flaw on Ed Sheeran’s albums and his 2019
effort (No. 6 Collaborations) was no better.

Funny I am complaining about the track number, considering I struggle on whether to keep my blog posts short or long. Most times I don’t care about the readers, it’s more about me being satisfied. So yea, in a way I get the artists, best to create what your heart wills than let the listeners opinion make you lose your authenticity.

For me,
the best albums are those with obvious themes/concept. You listen to the songs
and you can tell where the artist is coming from, the inspiration behind the
body of work. Albums for me, should have a concept not just a compilation of
few hit songs and fillers.

What
guides your judgement of a good album? Can one very good song, or say two good songs
save an album? I remember someone tweeting years ago how the song ‘Ever since
New York’ off of Harry Stlye’s self-titled album saved the album for him.

How many listens does it take before you decide on an album? I have since told myself never to review any album or make a decision on an album till after the third or fourth play. And yea, playing an album on first listen in shuffle mode should be a crime. I mean, are you a cultist?

There are
some albums you fall in love with on first listen case in point – Fine Line by
Harry Styles, and there are those that grow on you e.g – Omo Charlie Champagne
Vol 1. by SImi.  There are also those
albums, after months of not playing them, you listen again and discover one or
two hidden dope tracks that skipped your radar e.g ‘I love you’ by Billie Eilish
(When we all fall asleep, where do we go album)

2019 was a
good year in music, specifically a good albums year. I went through precisely
100 albums I downloaded last year (crazy number, right?). I was going to do a
countdown of my 15 best albums of 2019 but I managed to settle for 20 best
albums of 2019.

Here’s a
rundown of the albums that saw me through 2019.

20.  Spectrum
- Westlife

Favourite Tracks -   Hello my love, Better man, My blood, Without you, Another life

The boys men still got it! Most persons would remember the band by their old songs and feel that’s where they peaked. I never stopped following their music. Their last efforts (Where we are – 2009 and Gravity -2010) before their hiatus were much darker in themes and you could hear their growth. This album shows they still have the magic touch as a group and the songs, still about love but this time, the songs breathe life and have an energetic spark.

19. SYML - Syml

 Favourite Tracks – Wildfire, Where’s my love, Girl

This is
one of my favourite alternative albums of 2019. I have been hooked on Where’s
my love since 2016 when he first released the song. One song on the album that means
a lot to me is Wildfire. I remember hearing the lyrics one dark period I was
questioning my existence – when you release/when you let go/you can
find yourself where you belong/you’re not the cause/you’re not too much/you’re
needed here/you’re enough.

This song brought me back to life.

18. Free Spirit - Khalid

Favourite Tracks – Bad Luck, Better, Hundred, Free Spirit, Heaven, Saturday nights

One song that should have made this album from his Suncity Ep is Vertigo. While this sophomore album doesn’t measure up to his debut album – American teen (mostly in terms of cohesion, no thanks to the lengthy track number), Khalid once again stays true to songs with lyrical depth and focus on being his true self artistically. He once again chooses creative freedom over radio friendly hits. This album is deeper and darker than his previous, focusing on social anxiety, panic attacks, losing love, depression, shutting the world out to fix/find himself. Everything I dealt with in 2019.

17. ORION - X Ambassadors

 Favourite Tracks – RULE, HISTORY, RECOVER, HOLD YOU DOWN

The band’s debut album – VHS almost had me cancelling them when it comes to albums. This changed with their much more relatable and non-robotic sounding sophomore album – ORION (which thankfully didn’t have annoying interludes that made their first album a noisy mess). This was not the album that was originally planned for release as follow up to VHS. They cancelled their previously announced Joyful album stating the album didn’t represent where they were at. The one thing I don’t find amusing about ORION is how the song titles are all written in caps, gives me a headache every time.

16. What a time to be alive (Deluxe) – Tom
Walker

Favourite Tracks – Just you and I, Leave a light on, Better half of me, How can you sleep at night?, Walk alone, All that matters (acoustic)

One of my favourite Indie artist of 2019. He reminds me of Rag ‘n’ Bone man with his amazing big vocals (unbelievable for a 27year old) he belts out so confidently. I heard leave a light on, the first single released in 2018, which got me anticipating the album. The album turned out to be one of those excellent debut album that’s so good you start hoping the curse of a first good album doesn’t plague him.

15. A place we knew – Dean Lewis

 Favourite Tracks – Hold of me, Waves, Be alright, Chemicals, Half a man

Follow up to his excellent Same Kind of Different Ep released in 2017, this album (A place we knew) cements him as a talented song writer. This album has a theme focused on a broken relationship. I got stuck on ‘Be alright’ for an entire day. I was messed up trying to clear my head when my previous relationship hit the rocks and the song saw me through. I’m glad he didn’t fill up the album with songs off his 2017 EP, just two stand out tracks from the EP (Waves and Chemicals).

14. The Lion King: The Gift - Beyonce

Favourite Tracks – BIGGER, MOOD 4 EVA, BROWN SKIN GIRL, KEYS TO THE KINGDOM, OTHERSIDE, SPIRIT'

This album made me feel so proud that I’m a Nigerian (a feeling that’s rare). The album is everything a soundtrack album should be in terms of using voice notes from the movie as interludes. I wrote a review of the album when it came out, you can read it here.

13. African Giant - Burna Boy

 Favourite Tracks – Anybody, Dangote, Gum body, Kilin dem, Secret, Gbona, On the low

When this album was released I felt social media, specifically Twitter, was over hyping the album. I refused to get it till much later in the year after hearing Anybody performed live. I ended up playing the album back to back for two weeks. This album is top quality and proudly African even though foreign artists were featured. The album is so good, songs off it ended up in Jay Z, Barack Obama and Michelle Obama’s year end list of top songs, not mentioning the several publications that listed it on their top albums of 2019.

12. Lucid - Asa

Favourite Tracks – Torn, 365, 9 Lives, Don’t let me go

I always start playing this album from Track 2 – ‘The beginning’. It’s a perfect album opener. Asa really should have left it as the opening track as initially announced in a tweet. ‘My Dear’, the last track also serves as a perfect closing track. Lucid is another masterpiece from Asa. This is an album for those wronged by their partners in a relationship. The track, ‘Torn’ says all I once felt towards my ex. I think 2019 blessed me with albums to help me go through the motions and this album was one of them.

11. Lover – Taylor Swift

 Favourite Tracks – Cruel Summer, Lover, Archer, Afterglow, Daylight

Being a huge fan of Country Taylor, my heart breaks every time I get her new album and find out its pop. This is not saying 1989 is not one of the best albums ever made, but bless be the day Taylor Swift goes back to country music. I guess my anger over her releasing yet another pop album made me dismiss the album on first listen. But after all said and done, this is an album filled with sunshine and rainbows. Taylor Swift as always, gifts us with great song writing. This is a happy album. One downside though, is the lengthy tracklist which if reduced would have been a powerful album.

10. Sing to me instead – Ben Platt

Favourite Tracks – Temporary love, Grow as you go, Honest man, Incase you don’t live forever, Older

Early one Saturday morning of April 2019, I decided to listen to the album I had download previous week. I fell in love with it on first listen before realizing the artist was the same Ben Platt whose comic character in Pitch Perfect amused me. This is one honest, intimate and vulnerable debut album, with each song boasting impressive lyrical depth.

9.  Doom Days (This got out of hand Deluxe Edition) - Bastille

Favourite Tracks – The Waves, Million pieces, Dooms day, 4am, Another place, Those nights, Joy, Can’t fight this feeling

I have always had this issue with Bastille albums – noise (this is in no way dissing their debut album – Bad Blood which is still a masterpiece). Thankfully their characteristic ‘noise’ (or my little or no taste for EDM) was minimized on their third album. Doom Days impressed me and I was on a Bastille high for two weeks straight (well, intermixing it with X Ambassadors’ ORION). The album has 11 tracks which are built around a concept of a night out at a party, capturing human interactions and social ills. The LP felt straight to the point till well, Bastille did what they know how to do best; they released an unnecessary a deluxe edition extending the album to 22 tracks. The track ‘Those nights’ is one of my favourite songs of 2019.

8. Divinely Uninspired to a Hellish Extent
(Extended version) – Lewis Capaldi

Favourite Tracks – Grace, Hold me while you wait, Someone you loved, Forever, Fade, Before you go

Lewis Capaldi is my breakout star of 2019. I got to know about him from ‘music twitter’. His hit single – ‘Someone you loved’ didn’t catch fire on time in the US but eventually went on to top the Billboard Hot 100. The song gave me goose bumps on first listen. Every note hit me and gave me clarity, mostly as I was dealing with the pain of a failed relationship I once thought was going to last a lifetime. The lyrics “I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain/now the day bleeds into nightfall/and you’re not here to get me through it all/I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug/I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved” was everything I was feeling and dealing with. While ‘Someone you loved’ seems to be the most popular song off the album, my favourite is actually ‘Hold me while you wait’. This song broke me and made me shed tears.

7. You – Ali Gatie

 Favourite Tracks – It’s you, Moonlight, Used to you, Sunshine, Lost my lover

Forgive me
if it seems this list is made up of break up albums, but I really went through
it for the better half of last year. You by Ali Gatie is my best concept album
of 2019. I love how the album tells a story of losing love. At first he is in denial,
refusing to let go, then he is begging her not to go before he he finally
accepts it’s over. This album is perfection when it comes to track arrangement.
It comprises of just nine tracks that tells a breakup story. Another artist I discovered
in 2019 thanks to ‘music twitter’ still.The album
closer ‘Lost my lover’ was the perfect ending to the story where he accepts the
relationship is over – “Lost my lover, lost my friend/lost my start
and lost my end/You’re my worst nightmare and favourite dream.”

6. Thank u, next – Ariana Grande

Favourite Tracks – Imagine, Bloodline, Ghostin, 7 rings, Thank u next

Thank u,
next was released barely five months after her previous album – Sweetener was
released. It felt like a clean slate to wipe off the mess Sweetener was. Thank
u, next feels like that carefree album an artist decides to record after
releasing an album (like Sweetener) their record label made them release. Another breakup
album from 2019 with my best track being ‘ghostin’. Thank u, next is Ariana
Grande being artistically free and well, an upgrade to whatever Sweetener was
supposed to be. You can argue that with the album art which looks like an
upgraded version of Sweetener album’s album art.

5. Hollywood’s Bleeding – Post Malone

 Favourite Tracks – A thousand bad times, Die for me, Staring at the sun, Sunflower, Internet, Goodbyes

Post Malone is one versatile artist who can play well in any genre. He is one artist who barely has any bad song. On his third album he yet again shows how great a song writer he is and his ability to release an album full of hits. Hollywood Bleeding got me hooked on the catchy choruses and hooks, as well as superb production. The album also boasts my favourite song of 2019 – Sunflower. Hollywood is bleeding but we call it home…

4. YOU – James Arthur

Favourite Tracks – Marine Parade (2013), Quite miss home, Sad eyes, Fall, Falling like the stars, Empty Spaces, Naked

This third studio album from James Arthur would have been so much stronger if the 17 tracks were limited to 10 or 12 tracks. For me this album started from the third track – Marine Parade (2013), skip tracks four and five, and there you have a beautiful album where his honest vocals invokes this sense of vulnerability you want to drown in.

3. Laughter, Tears & Goosebumps – Fireboy
DML

Favourite Tracks –Need you, Jealous, Energy, Like I do, King, What if I say

This is arguably the most complete album from a Nigerian artist in 2019. Everything about the album screams excellence; from the honest song writing, track arrangement & length to the album’s minimal production. It’s impressive to note that this 5* debut album from Fireboy DML has no feature. No big names in the Nigerian industry was featured, yet it was one of the most critically acclaimed album released in the Nigerian music space in 2019.

2. Fine Line – Harry Styles

Favourite Tracks – Watermelon sugar, Adore you, Cherry, Falling, Fine line

This album carries a spark and has you grooving to retro vibes. If you are looking for a feel good, pleasant album to bless your day, then Fine Line is that album. Harry is solidifying his stance of going the other way when most artists these days are tendering towards the more commercial sound.

1. Where the shadow ends - Banners

 Favourite Tracks – Got it in you, No one knows us, Where the shadow ends, Light up, Safe, Too soon, Head and tails

This album saved my life, literally. I was lucky to have discovered this album during a period last year when I felt lost and purposeless. It brought light back to my world and helped me pick myself up. A ray of sunshine, a beacon of hope that tells you that you can do this thing called life. That you can go through it and still come out whole. Also, the album tells you that you don’t have to do it alone, the lyrics of most of the songs silently preaching the importance of having someone to go through life with. The album is of alternative genre and my best album of 2019.

On ‘Heads and tails’ he sings – I got you/so darling I’m staying here/…..all you hear is emptiness and noise hanging on the fall of a coin/I’m here/whatever you choose/I’m here…

On ‘Got it in you’, these lyrics gave me strength – I know you think your fire is burning out/but I still see you shining through/you got it in you.

WORTHY MENTIONS OF 2019

1. Romance - Camila Cabello
2. Norman Fucking Rockwell! - Lana Del Rey
3. Once upon a mind - James Blunt
4. Soul Searching (mixtape) – Bazzi
5. Cause & Effect – Keane
6. Parachute - Parachute
7. Spiderman Into the Verse OST - Various Artists

  FAVOURITE EPS OF 2019

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• 

• 

1. Brent - Jeremy Zucker & Chelsea Cutler - This EP broke me and put me back together several times.
2. Love & Light – Joeboy - This EP is everything. Always leaves me wanting more when it ends abruptly.
3. Anxiety & Mixed Emotions - Chance Pena - My go to EP whenever I need to shut the world out and focus on me.

• 

• 

• 

• 

1. Free time – Ruel - Its time Ruel blessed us with a complete album. This is his second EP and I think he is ready.
2. Glorious - Ella Henderson - Her vocals are out of this world.
3. Oh my messy mind - James Bay - Just four tracks on the EP but yet they outshine his last full length album (Electric light)
4. World war joy…call you mine – The Chainsmokers - I’m just gonna call it, the EP is way stronger than the full length album. They should have added Takeaway to the EP, would have been perfection!

UNDERWHELMING ALBUMS OF 2019

1. Game of Thrones OST - Various Artists – after seeing the trailer for the album, I almost could not contain my excitement. I actually tweeted the album will go straight to number one. Sadly, it turned out to be a gathering of A list bands and artists coming to create an OST album just as disappointing as the season finale of the show.
2. Velvet Side A (EP) - Adam Lambert – Adam doesn’t know where he is best suited. Dude wants to be a rock and roll star by all means, but his talent lies hidden in ballads. After releasing songs like New eyes and Feel Something, there was a high anticipation of an album where Adam dives into new territory, fresh new sound but nah, what did we get? Hopefully Side B will be the redemption.
3. This Summer (EP) - Alessia Cara – She started well with her debut album (Know it all) but seems it’s been downhill since then. This EP broke my heart. Where is the Alessia Cara we all fell in love with?
4. Sunsets & Full Moons - The Script – I get they want to do songs that are more socially conscious, but the songs sadly come off as cheap, cliché writings. I mean, these are same guys who had songs like The man who can’t be moved, Breakeven, For the first time…the song writing on this album and the penultimate one are so mediocre.

REARVIEW

What's the point of living if all you feel is an unending cycle of despair, struggling to keep your head above water and few flashes of happiness that don’t seem to last?

I had written an entirely different
end of year post in my head before today. It was going to be a post filled with
retrospect of 2019. A post of hope for the New Year, something brighter than my
previous dark posts.

But here I am sitting at my desk in the office, hanging by a thread. My chest aches physically but I know the pain is from the heaviness in my soul.

I have lost count of the number of times during the course of year I have silently told myself I am tired.

At this very moment, I don’t desire to
be alive. I feel like leaving my desk, walking out of the office without
telling anyone where I am headed and walk into the wild. Keep going and get
lost.

My colleague this morning already said
to me that I am being cranky. Filled with so much irritation, I responded - then
you should leave me alone.

This is really bad, my tormentor has begun to follow me to my place of work. It’s beginning to show and it bothers me lowkey but not enough to worry me. A second colleague, Eghosa just tried to find out why I am looking down but fuck it…I can’t even bring myself to tell him. I know I can count on him because we share same bond. We have both been through fair share of family pain. But I know if I open my mouth to speak, I’d break down crying.

I don’t want to cry over this matter again. Last time I did was first week of this month at Shiloh. It was embarrassing enough, a grown man crying a river in church. I tried to wipe the tears off, but it became too much that at a point I didn’t care if the world stared.

My head went through several persons I could run to for shelter – Reward, Elohor, Tunji…even the ones I have pushed away. I almost sent a message to Tunji, but I reminded myself that I said I would do this alone. I need to, have to.

I caught myself drafting an email to
my ex. Smh, still feels like a safe haven for me. Tragic. I am still longing for something
that’s long lost. I thought of going to the car to call my ex and just cry on
the phone, pour it out but I remembered Reward’s stern warning few days ago that
I resist the urge to send Hunter Hayes’ Loving you track to my ex. I deleted
the email draft and resorted to writing this.

Since yesterday I have been having
fleeting moments where I see myself putting my affairs in order and then ending
it. I have tried, I am worn out from the pain of watching helplessly the shit
my family has been dealing with for almost ten years now. When does it end? I
swear, serious conversation needs to be started about what caregivers go
through.

It was just last week I sent a message
to Tunji that my younger one is home, I’m happy and feeling well. But seems
relapse is already occurring. After two months in the hospital and less than a
week we are getting right back to it? I tried to be strong throughout Sunday,
to act like this was not going to shake me but truth is, I was using every
freaking energy in me to keep my mood up. Now I feel worn out and tired and I
just want to go numb.

My colleague, Eghosa wrote something
on his whatsapp status few days ago. He wrote – “this year, I have been strong,
but next year I just want to be happy.”

I felt that, every word he wrote.

In retrospect 2019 was easy for me, a lot better than 2018. But still, it had its down moments which is fast beginning to feel like they are overshadowing the good times. I got promoted at work (something I almost killed myself over with so much expectation), I had an amazing Lebanon trip and most importantly, ticked off a major bucket list item (summiting Mount Kilimanjaro). These were great moments I am thankful for.

I had hoped when writing my review of
2019, I will be saying I had just three major mental breakdowns this year but
its beginning to feel like it might be four. I started this year almost killing
a child when I hit him with my car on my way to work first week of January.
That messed me up and shook my world. It took months to not have my heart
racing when someone crossed the road while I drove.

July I sank so low, hitting a new low level of despair that I actually felt myself feeling pain in my soul. I always did the separating science from faith ish, believing mental health was to be sorted out by science and medicine but I found myself crawled up in my bed, crying to God to rescue me. Never have I prayed before when I felt down, but that moment, I sunk so low and it felt like I was going to keep going deeper…words fail me to explain the depth of sorrow I was in.

October broke me. The treatment I was undergoing for anxiety had some complications and then afterwards, my younger one had to be admitted. It all worsened when my close friends missed the signs that I was going through hell. That was when I knew I had to protect myself from my high expectations of people even though I give others so much energy and attention.

I resolved to do this alone and be my
own hero. While I know it’s silly and would only make life harder, but at least
I know it’s easier than dealing with the feeling of abandonment when I need
someone around. Leaning on others is such a huge risk, sucks we are wired to
need others.

Sigh…see, 2020. If I make it, I don’t want to have to write anymore sad posts. I want to have it easy, to be mentally stable and feel whole. This blog should be filled with sunshine and rainbows and not a nest of darkness and sadness.

My one desire is to not have any mental breakdowns next year.  Funny how this one wish is my greatest fear also. I broke myself last December with my unhealthy expectation for promotion and closing the financial year soundly. I feel a bit bothered I haven’t learnt my lesson and I would repeat same thing December 2020. Sometimes, I feel like walking away from my job, from the anticipation of the next grade. Because truly, after getting it I find myself thinking of how to get the next grade. It’s a cycle of expectations and ambition. To what end and at what cost?

I spent the first half of this year obsessed with how to meet my KPIs so I can get promoted again at the end of this financial year. Then I saw the below post and realized I wasn’t living right.

I wasn’t being grateful or even trying to live and enjoy my new grade. I was wasting my days scheming and over thinking every transaction. Not until I let go and became unbothered, did I begin to see the blessings and ease that came with my new grade. Ambition really is such bullshit.

***

I’m home now, and pondering over today’s events, I realize I have learned to condition my reactions to things. I have grown in that aspect especially as regards to unplanned expenses. I don’t let it bother me anymore, I tell myself it’s just money and move on. I have managed to adjust my expectations and emotional response to certain aspects of my life, but this one thing that brings me down so low, I seem to not have learned the best possible reaction.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells around my younger one’s health, such that any little thing gets my mood all over the place. You’ll think that after all the multiple relapses, several visits to the hospital, crises endured since 2010, I would be better at managing this. Every damn time I am a mess and even worse for it. I dare say I am fast losing faith, losing hope that indeed God will come through for us and let this thorn depart from us.

I look back at my earlier teenage years when I struggled with what now seems like mundane stuff that set me on the path of darkness. That had me wishing to suffocate on my pillow at night. I thought I had pain then, now I know for real what pain looks and feels like.

I have dreams of traveling the world
(I am happiest when on a trip/tour) but for how long do I keep running? Maybe I
should leave home, get another apartment in another side of town and tell my
folks not to come see me…does this even make sense? Running from my own family
because I need to keep my mental health intact?

I tell my elder ones they have it easy. They are not in the same location with us and don’t get to see these things. Heck, we hide it from them to keep their mind at ease. I am the one at home, the one who sees it all and carries the weight. I feel obligated to be here for my folks, but then I am at crossroads. Do I stay and get consumed seeing I can’t exactly detach or adjust my emotional response? Or do I run? In this case maybe not knowing would be the best. But do I truly not want to know?

Right now my prayer goes along the lines of Ruben Studdard’s 'I need an angel' track – Sometimes it’s hard to face the truth, so we run. God if you care at all, please don’t let me fall by the way side…

I have this idea of a life I want but each day its possibility of coming through slips further away from me. My mum says I should detach and live my own life, that I shouldn’t let another person’s own bother me. But I just can’t seem to know how to do this. Makes me lose my desire to be here on earth. When I get like this, I desire nothing but oblivion. The easy way out I guess, but after years of constantly battling with my mood and fighting every day to keep myself afloat, I can only desire some peace.

If I died today, I’d like people to feel happy I have finally found peace. Sometimes I find the strength to hope that my younger one’s health will get better and this thorn in our flesh will be gone forever, but these days I’m almost too worn out to hope anymore. Sadly, hope is a dangerous thing for a guy like me to have, but I still have it…

I had previously asked the guys in my office that we all hang out on Boxing Day, but right now all I crave is a very quiet Christmas. A drink, music and some quiet...

TURNING POINT

“Therefore, whatever you want men to
do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” – Matthew 7 vs 12.

This
is one verse of the bible I don’t resonate with. It’s almost as if it’s the
things I’d never do to others, people keep doing to me.

Something happened ending last month that has brought me to a place where I no longer desire to go the extra mile for anyone. I want to sort out the pending issues I promised a few persons I will assist with and be done. Throw off everyone’s weight and walk free into the wild. Turn the world off and tune into myself.

People
are really not it. I have since realized how selfish and self-serving society
is. But I naively thought in my small circle, I’d be able to influence a few
persons, teach others what love truly is about. But seems everyone is more
about themselves, while the few that still hold on to a part of their humanity
only try to be there when their help is expressly sought. But should it be so?

Several
times I have seen myself reach out to people just from my observation that they
are in a fix, or I over hear them complaining. I am that guy that even though I
may be drowning, I’ll still stretch out my hand to save another person.

Even
on social media, when I see someone pouring stuff out or posting cryptic
messages that tells they are hurting, I always try to reach out. I may not have
the right words, a simple message of ‘it is well with you’ helps. Even if they
are not willing to share or talk about what they are going through, I know my
reaching out to them goes a long way in making them feel better. I mean, life
really is so hard, why can’t we help someone feel a bit better?

While
I have since understood the world doesn’t give you as much love as you give it,
I found it a difficult pill to swallow when those I felt were my close pals
stayed on the side-line while I burned. It’s one thing to have the world watch while
I drown, but to also have those I consider close friends stand on the side-lines
and not reach out? Pushed me off the edge.

I get that not everyone is the same. Not everyone has sharp instincts like me. From a thousand miles I can sense when a close friend is going through hell. I pay attention to my friends, their tweets and status on various social media platforms because most persons don’t like bothering others or find it easy opening up to the next person on issues they are facing. Everyone has a language and only true friends recognize it. I realized I was alone for real, on my own and I could be dead and not one of my supposed close friends would notice. I was sending clear cries for help but not one person seemed to catch it. It felt cold being abandoned by the world at a time of despair.

I am not the type of guy to hold things within me. I need a space to release the mess going on in my head. Most times I use Twitter to vent/rant. I let out my frustrations there and also do same on my Instagram story using background music that the lyrics fit my situation. Afterwards when my head is calm, I delete and regret it because I always feel someone out there is having an opinion about me along the line of “oh, that drama king is here again”.

I
am insecure about how people perceive me (not in ways you think). Most times I
don’t care how people feel about me, I only bother that they see me as mentally
unstable. I know I have deep issues but to a large extent I think I have a grasp
on life and its realities.

Most
of the times I vent on social media to free my head and not to seek attention
or look for someone to come running to save me.  But I was not getting the best of it as I was bothered
about the silent opinions people were having when they read the tweets and no
one reached out. So I decided to take back my twitter after this last episode.

I
realized hey, Sayi you are doing social media wrongly. Instagram is where we
show our perfect lives so why make a mess of your image there? Everyone is
always happy and picture perfect so why ruin the fun with your moody posts?

Twitter is a mad house. People come on there to argue (waste their time/use it as a place of escape from holes in their lives, instead of fixing up), get entertained by meaningless bants and boost their fragile sense of self-worth chasing clout and retweets. So why destroy your image with rants/vents?

I
deactivated my account for a while but I needed a place to release the thoughts
in my head. My blog is way too structured for simultaneous short vents, which
made me reactivate my account. I ended up getting a lot of persons off my
twitter and putting my account on private (funny, Elohor said she was on my profile
when I was doing this. She kept seeing people disappear from my followers and following
list. She stayed watching, waiting for her turn to be raptured). I left a few
people I know get me, and are already used to my episodes.

As for Instagram, I’m still yet to decide what it would be. For now I have deactivated replies to my stories. I don’t need anyone sending me messages complementing my music taste or telling me how good looking my pictures are. I need people who see beyond the physical stuff. I need those who see deep within, sees my scars and acknowledges my pain. I’m done with those who have reduced our friendship to a source of entertainment. I get that not everyone can handle the difficult conversations but right now those are not the kind of persons I need around me.

I saw this tweet recently and then I shared my two cents on the issue as well -

I
was calling out for help but the world watched me burn and stayed still. It was
just Elohor that had my back that period without me having to tell her anything.
I understood the world really doesn’t care, but to have my close friends join
the world watch me drown and no one even tried to find out what was happening?

That
stung. I felt let down by those I trusted to always be there.

The
final straw that led me to my turning point, to the point where I have told
myself enough with the grand gestures, enough with the caring too much for
colleagues, friends and strangers. It was the Saturday I published the previous
blog post. I was there struggling to stay afloat while my mood sank to a
crippling low. I was calling out for help but people were viewing my status and
not checking on me but yet some were buzzing my phone for one thing or the
other. 

But,
how difficult is it to pay attention?

The
one that hit me most was the message from a former colleague who I think has
been the most disappointing. He buzzed – “boss, please can you bail me out?”
While he was still at my office I know I did my best to teach him about love
and caring for others. There was a day he did something, I had to ask if he
wasn’t learning anything from me.

At
times I do grand gestures, not just to help someone out of difficulty, but also
to show them how to be there for others. To understand this phrase – being there for others because you know
what it’s like to not have anyone there for you.

But seems all my efforts have been a waste. People will always be self centered.

I got better and posted a recent picture of myself at work. My face was lit up and you won’t even get the vibe I just walked through hell. And then someone who knew my struggles, who stayed silent while I was hurting buzzed ‘sup’. It took me hours to respond, cus honestly I didn’t want to. It felt wrong that he disappeared when I know for real, he was aware I was going through a deep end, only for him to reappear once it was obvious the storm was over. It didn’t sit right with me.

‘So if you are gonna love me
You gotta love all of me
You gotta love, deeper than that
Now, if you’re gonna leave me
You better run far away
I’d hate for you to leave me attached’
- Bad luck (Khalid)

I feel undone, distant and detached from society (people). Over the years I have been intentional about those I want around me, purposely secluding myself to make my cycle very small. But this time around, I’m in this space where I want to ghost myself from everyone and walk alone. Maybe it’s time I chose myself learn selfishness and take a page out of the manual on self-preservation everyone seems to be preaching these days.

I
have chosen not to settle for less love than I give. Like Philip once said to me,
‘you deserve the same energy you give to others’.

I’m
done being loved less.

I
know I set myself up for hurt expecting people to be there for me in same
measure I try to be there for them. I know it’s me setting up myself for pain,
hoping that someone would notice I am going through stuff. But that’s the
shitty side of this thing, you know you need help, and you should reach out for
help, but you are so broken down by the weight of it all, sinking in misery that
the energy to reach out deserts you.

Valentine
made a comment on my last blog post. He said while he was reading the post the
words that came to his mind were lyrics of Beyonce’s Save the hero. I initially
replied him that I am not a hero, and I can’t stop trying to save others even
if my world is falling apart. After a while, I got angry and deleted my response.
I felt short-changed. How can I have rooted so hard for others but yet I have
not even tasted half of what it is to have someone root so hard for me?

I’m angry and hurt and the only thing that makes sense to me is to detach. But I know I truly can’t. I doubt I will ever be any less of a compassionate person than I have always been. Funny enough as I am ranting here, my head is figuring out ways on how to be there for two friends. I have accepted that I am the guy that loves deeply, that loves easing people’s pain and loves being there for others. I am that guy who fights back tears when people give testimonies during service at church, it’s so embarrassing.

Left
to me I’d love to be on my own, lost in my space but unfortunately humans are
wired such that we need others to survive.

I
am not asking for money and I am not asking that anyone fix me. I honestly do
not want to complicate anyone’s life with my issues or drag you into my raging
seas. I just need you to show that you are there and I am not alone; that you
see and hear me.

That
beyond all the glamour of my travels, beyond my smile that comes naturally even
when I’m in a bad place, you see my scars. That I am safe even when my world is
falling apart and it feels like I am being rocked off earth’s surface. That you’ll
keep an eye on me as I wade through this ocean that sometimes seem to overwhelm
me. Is that too much to ask?

Lately
I had to ask myself if I have been seeking safety in those who don’t want to
have the hard conversations. Lowkey, I feel those I used to run to are tired of
me. I remember one time when Henry said ‘one moment I’d think you are getting
better, only for you to breakdown again’. I couldn’t even respond to that. I felt
like a burden.

I
guess this time, my pain was too much for them to bear or they saw it as a
normal cycle for me. Like dude will be fine after a while, he always bounces
back, let me give him space.

Or
they were really busy at the time, I mean everyone is pretty busy these days
and trying to sort out their own lives.

Being that I am not ready for therapy, and also the need to protect myself from my expectations and then feeling bad no one noticed or checked up on me while I was calling out for help, I have decided to stick to travel as a way of escape for now. Find ways to keep my mood up void of medication, no putting my issues on anyone anymore. Basically going to be my own hero and find ways to save myself.

Reward
read my last post and he offered to help. While I am grateful for the kind
gesture, I had to let him know I have made up my mind to try going the journey
on my own. Though I’ll keep his offer at the back of my mind, like a lifeline
just incase shit gets too heavy for me to carry alone. But let me at least try
and see how far I will go on this solo trip.

What
I didn’t tell him was, I don’t want to set myself up for rejection again. What if
like the others I leaned on, he gets tired or used to my episodes and thinks it’s
an unending cycle? Or he doesn’t get me, and gives up. I know how I can be
about getting help and there’s the angle of him not having the professional
training to handle my relapses or times I may seem to fall off track and reject
his help. These are just excuses tho, plain truth is, I am not comfortable
leaning on anyone again. People always leave.

I have made up my mind to make this journey alone going forward. I’m grateful for those who have been a major support system and lifeline in the past. But this last time shook me. I need to protect myself and in so doing, I have to adjust my expectations. I don’t want to feel abandoned again, or feel like those I held on to missed my cry for help. That shit hurt like hell, and sunk me even deeper. So to stay safe, I have decided to do this on my own and if I drown, atleast I know I was heading for the shore.

Friendship should mean much more and we should all start reciprocating the love we receive from others. It’s not okay to always be the one on the receiving end or be that person who disappears when you are needed most, only to come when the storms have settled. It’s not okay to choose the parts of someone to interact with. If you can’t be there for them during their dark times, you shouldn’t be there when it’s blooming around them. Friendship is not about choosing comfort, it’s about love and love is sacrifice.

‘Had a hundred friends but I cut them off
I don’t need ‘em
Not like any of them gave a fuck if I was breathin’
Summer’s over so they switch around like the seasons
Gotta keep my guard up now I’m playing defense
Everybody wants a favour, everybody needs me
But I’m too busy tryin’ to fight away all of my demons’
- Hundred (Khalid)

Sink or Swim 3

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them
with illumination or forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons
will cause your angels to sing” – August Wilson

I hate that my first
reaction to crises is thoughts of disappearing. I find myself fading to a place
where I get lost in thoughts of how easier it would have been if I was never
born. I have a fragile mental space and I easily get overwhelmed by life.

“I’m damaged at best, as
you’ve already figured out” – Broken (Lifehouse)

In those moments, I find
peace.

Everything comes to a halt
(all in my head sadly) and the pain feels distant. I have to wilfully snap myself
out of my mental walk towards oblivion. Those times it gets so hard being, I long
for stillness in my head. I need everything to stop. Can life spare me a minute?
Let me be still and breathe? Get things in perspective, have the world which
seems to be spinning round my head pause for just a damn minute. But nah, I hardly
ever get to have that moment of stillness. I find myself feeling like I am
running behind, trying to catch up with reality. Life and time move so fast, I lose
my breath trying to keep up.

Henry has said I should
stop saying this, but the truth remains, a part of me believes I will die by
suicide. No cause for alarm yet though, I mean, I don’t think I have the
courage to actually hurt myself. I just find peace in thoughts of floating into
obscurity, of finding that quiet I seek. I won’t say I am suicidal, maybe
passively suicidal. But deep down, the thought lurks that someday my mind might
break and I’ll do it.

I said this to the
physician I went to see for my anxiety attacks. He immediately set me up to see
a therapist. I noticed my attacks were more frequent than I had ever had in the
past. I can’t count the number of times since early December last year (one of
the hardest period of my adult life) I have been almost crumbled by this sudden
overwhelming feeling of doomed approaching. My heart gets heavy, my mind goes
dark, breathing becomes a struggle and then, the annoying tears that lurk. Two times
I almost lost it at the office, my colleague had to hug me for some minutes to
help me calm down.

I know my triggers, but
I knew it was getting worse when the tiniest of things began to incite episodes.
I have long been sceptical of seeking help in Nigeria because we most often don’t
know where to draw the line between religion and professionalism. This came to
fore, but I decided to let it go, being that I knew the doctor meant well. I remember
him trying to look for a whatsapp broadcast video to show me, of a man who had
no hands but could play a musical instrument and entertain people. His words to
me were – ‘you need to calm down, others have it worse’. *Sigh

Why do we humans do
this? Someone opens up to you about their pain, then we go trying to invalidate
it with examples of others who seem to be having more difficult challenges. I don’t
get it. That someone is going through worse, doesn’t automatically remove my
pain or make me feel any better. I’m living my life, following my own path and
whatever I have to deal with on the journey. I am not measuring my progress by
other people’s misfortunes. Where I hurt is where I measure my pain from. I’m
not in competition with anyone. That Mr. A doesn’t have two hands doesn’t mean its
okay for Mr. B to have just one hand.

I ignored his unprofessionalism and got the prescribed drugs, of which I adhered strcitly to the dosage. Few days later I started reacting to the pills. I had to be taken off them but thankfully the few tablets I swallowed seems to have helped as I haven’t had any episode since last month. The side effects I suffered have also subsided but still, I am yet to go for therapy.

At first I wasn’t sure
my health insurance will cover the cost of the therapy. This was my initial
excuse. Well, it got approved but I keep dragging my feet. I think for one, I am
scared. I feel like I am in a good place relatively. Yea, been kinda withdrawn
for the past few weeks and off social media to silent the noise but it isn’t much
of a dark phase. It’s nothing like the two mental breakdowns I suffered in
January and July respectively.

Like I confided in
Pascal, I am scared of going for therapy because I got scarred from my
reactions to the prescription drugs. The drugs triggered something even more
painful. I bore the pain for a week and then the drug given to relieve the side
effects triggered a bad case of constant ulcer pains. I got so thin, I could
see my ribs through my flesh. I suffered pain for two weeks straight up. There was
a Saturday morning the pain was so real, I wished I could trade my body for a
new one.

I have cold feet about going for therapy as I feel stable (for now). I am functioning well to a large extent though still trying to fit social media into my normal daily routine. I still feel off, but to a large extent I feel very okay. I fear if I go for therapy, I may be placed on meds again and then this may cause sideffects that won’t be pleasant. Or that I would go for therapy and the can of worms would be opened and all the shit I have been fighting in my head would show up for real and overwhelm me. That it would break me so low and I’d need time to deal and fix myself. That time, I really don’t have.

I remember back then in
university, Chiyenum said that I am lucky that all the crap I have to deal with
don’t affect my studies. I think I carried that luck into my work at the
office. Maybe my job helps serve as a distraction from my reality. But this
week, I had to pause and reflect if indeed my demons have started affecting my
job. My boss said to me “you are losing your steam”.

That stung because I had
already been beating myself over silly mistakes normal me won’t make. I had
become sloppy and I still can’t tell if its due to physical exhaustion from chasing
transactions back to back or me being a bit down mentally that I needed to stay
off social media. I want to believe its physical stress and having to handle so
much at so little time. I say so because the one thing that really crashes my
mood has happened and I didn’t break.

A younger one’s health
crises has resurfaced and got admitted. I wasn’t sure she was admitted but I had
a feeling she had. I was a bit scared of confirming this from her parents, I was
clinging to not knowing to keep my sanity. Funny, the day I was told, I was not
shaken as I normally would have been (is it that I am now tired of it all? like
I have given up)

My world would have gone dark but weirdly I found reason, found understanding and calm. By now I would have sought shelter in Henry or Pascal (my major support systems) but they’ll only know about this when they read this post. Let the therapy thingy hang for now, maybe when I find myself falling to pieces and needing to be saved, I can go for it then. I feel okay and my head is above water, no need running there and then turning my world upside down like those drugs did to me.

****

I saw this picture recently
and it spoke volumes from two angles.

Firstly, it mirrored me.
I know how I react at times to a colleague when he is having mood swings and
also someone else I know who is struggling with bipolar disorder. I try to use
logic to fix them and expect them to know to act in a certain way. Truth is,
this is how society treats people with mental health issues. I have since
forced myself to learn empathy, and it’s a continuous wilful action for me, to
remind myself every time that it’s not them acting out. I have to see past
their moods/actions and understand it’s the illness.

Secondly, a friendship recently almost got ruined because she failed to understand why I needed time to be alone, time off social media and also reduced human interactions. Before taking off I told her what I was about to do as per staying away to go recover. Unfortunately, she needed me to not become a stranger/shut her out. I knew she meant well, but I needed her to know that this was fully about me. I wasn’t okay but she needed me to act whole.

After a while, I began
to feel bad that I was shutting her out so I cut shut my hiatus from social
media and tried communicating with her. It was forced and I ended up exploding one
day when I felt overwhelmed. Thankfully we survived it and we are back to being
friends though I had to recluse again and fix up first.

See, this thing is a
real struggle. Forget that what we see on social media these days is ‘choose yourself’,
‘stay far from toxic and negative people’, depression is tagged on every sad or
low feeling, almost making it sound like a cliché. Some people are really
dealing with a lot. Their own being, their very own minds warring against their
survival. It gets so dark sometimes, so difficult that even talking becomes so
much of a burden.

When I hear people say
talk to someone, it makes me laugh. I know y’all mean well, but truth is
majority of us are not equipped to handle these things. Sometimes opening up to
the wrong person and getting the wrong response/vibe from the person, or them
trying to invalidate your pain or going religious on you, or not saying the
right words or giving off the vibe that they don’t get your struggle can set
you back a thousand steps.

Lately I feel I have burdened
my friends enough. I have leaned on them too much and its time I set them free.
Maybe that’s why I didn’t tell them how I have been this period. I tried to
ride this episode alone but I failed. I ended up sending an SOS to Philip who
has been an amazing lifeline of recent. He patiently asked me leading questions
which as I answered, I felt the gloom and burden ease off. It was a relief
offloading but still, I feel like I need to learn how to take this road on my
own. Be my own hero. I know I don’t have to go this alone, but I think my
recent spat with Henry made me feel I lean too much on others and my honest
vulnerability may just be a weak point that might be used against me in future.

Also, I had to block my
ex on all platforms recently because I realized while the relationship was over,
I was still leaning and hoping babe will come to my rescue whenever I vent
online. I found myself yearning for that familiar safety I was used to.

While I had moved on
from the failed relationship, I had a sincere conversation with myself and
realized I was still holding on somewhat, and seeking refuge/comfort that was
no more there. This sounds crazy even to me, considering its same ex that put me
through hell and broke my heart to pieces worse than anyone has ever done.

“and my torturer became
my remdey” – All night (Beyonce)

My ex was like a safe
haven, though flawed. I knew my struggles were not fully understood and there were
times I felt like my fears were invalidated but to a reasonable extent I always
felt safe with. I was still holding on to that and lowkey longing for it,
hoping I’d be rescued whenever I was drowning.

But in all, I think I was also hurting from the fact that I was walked out on (technically). When we chat once in a while, I never remain the same for few days afterwards. My head and heart starts clashing, my emotions get worked up and I become a mess. A part of me yearns for that safe haven while the other part says boy, it’s over, you gotta move on for real.

It is almost as if every
time I am about to cross that final line of closing the chapter, my ex picks
that moment to buzz to check-up on me or something makes our path cross and I am
back to square one. I had to use the block button for good.

“Just when I felt like
giving up on us, you turn around and give me one last touch that made
everything feel better…” – California King Bed (Rihanna)

I get you chose
yourself and walked away from the mess and chaos that I am. But you walked away,
so be gone and stop caring for me. Stop buzzing to know how I am faring. It shatters
me when you say I still love you and will always do and never want to see you
in pain. You walked away and I’d never get over the fact that you broke your
promise to never leave me, as irrational as this sounds.

“This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy

I need somebody to heal

Somebody to know

Somebody to have

Somebody to hold

It’s easy to say but it’s never the same

I guess I kinda like the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds into nightfall

And you’re not here to get me through it all

I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

• Someone you loved (Lewis Capaldi)

****

It’s time I let go for real and seek safety in myself. Enough of leaning on others…

****

“There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone

It wasn’t ‘cause I thought I’d be happy alone

It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell
apart

I might not make it

It’s easier to be alone

Because if you learn that you need love and you don’t have
it?

What if you like it and lean on it?

What if you shape your life around it and it falls apart?

Can you even survive that kind of pain?

Losing love is like organ damage, it’s like dying

The only difference is death ends

This? It could go on forever

• Words of Meredith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy)

****

I have a wedding to
attend in Lagos ending this month. I am looking forward to it and hoping that before
then, I would have sorted out all my transactions at the office so I’ll be free
to travel. I see myself by the ocean, looking at the waves move back and forth.
I feel free when I am by the ocean. I let go and experience freedom just staring
into the waters. Travel is sort of therapy for me.

When I feet low, a trip always serves as a cure (it is part of my road to recovery). People say travel is escape, I agree. It has worked several times for me but I recently read a blog post on Huffpost titled ‘When Travel Becomes a Dangerous Escape’, written by Nicole Melancon.

It got me thinking a lot about why I travel and I realized that while I am truly excited about exploring and seeing new places, I have turned it to a means of escaping my life.

“Don’t get addicted to escaping. Face your shit, handle your
business, and triumph. No battle was ever won by people who run” – Gregory Anthony

Here’s an excerpt from the Huffpost
write up –

‘Oftentimes, the life of a world traveler appears to be
glamorous and enviable on the outside. Their amazing stories of traveling the
world are full of adventure, travel and beautiful photos from surreal places.
Their lives seem so wonderful and happy and fun. Yet what is said to the
outside world may be completely different than what is really happening inside.
On the outside they may seem to have it all, but on the inside they may be
falling apart, bleeding, hurting, and suffering in silence.

Of course, there are many reasons why we travel. We travel to
relax, to have fun, to experience adventure, to see the world, to spend time
with family and friends and to get away from it all. Yet have we ever taken a
hard look at the real reasons we are traveling sometimes? Have we ever realized
that sometimes we are using travel too much as an escape, to the point where it
can become dangerous?

Throughout my life, I will admit that I have been guilty of
using travel as an escape during hard times. Most likely we all have to some
degree. So what is it we are exactly trying to escape? Unfortunately, our
lives. We want an escape from the daily grind of a life of routine. Escape from
the devastation of a broken heart or major disappointment. Escape from things
we don't want to necessarily face back at home like a serious illness, a death,
a divorce, or a layoff. Escape from something we cannot change.

Travel is an escape. The further you go off the beaten path,
the easier it is to forget. Yet traveling for the wrong reasons and not facing
your demons in your life can be dangerous. You always have to come home at the
end of a trip. Although you may forget about your struggles and pain while
you're having the time of your life half way around the world, it is important
to have a good, happy place to come back to. An inner peace with your life at
home and on the road.’

****

I wish I got the tattoo
I initially planned on getting during my last vacation. I want to rebel against
my body. Call it self-expression? The next best thing was to shave off my hair.
It felt liberating doing it. I can’t exactly explain it but I felt lighter,
felt relived seeing someone not so familiar in the mirror.

My scars may not be
visible but I know I carry them within. My body may fail me, my mind may take
me so low and my soul may feel weary from the daily struggle to stay happy and
keep my mood up. But one thing I choose to do is keep on swimming and keeping
my head above water.

I have had dark days, I
have had days filled with sunshine and rainbows. I am learning to live in the
present, shut out the noise from social media, live intentionally, stay healthy
and keep going one day at a time. I may find stability someday or I may realize
stability is just another myth we chase after, but what I’ll try not to do is
stop fighting.

Sink or swim?