COVID-19 AND MY 2020 TRAVEL PLANS

I think I’m having travel withdrawal symptoms. My entire being longs for a change of environment. Going through old travel pictures and clips doesn’t help anymore. Heck, it feels like torture lately, aggravating my wanderlust.

The virtual travel
thingy people are promoting these days is more or less a faux front that
doesn’t cut it. The thrill of landing in a new place and taking in the different
air that hits can’t be recreated through some 360 degree VR movies. But it’s a good
effort still, I mean, it probably works for some persons.

Right now, I’ll appreciate even the shortest local travel. I need to leave this city I have been stuck in all year! This is crazy! For the first time since 2017, this will be the longest I have gone without traveling to another State within Nigeria or another Country.

I know I use travel as
escape when life feels overwhelming but truth is, travel is a huge part of my life.
It’s a part of me, has always been and always will be.

Here’s a back story;

I was always super
excited about excursions in primary school, though my overtly cautious parents
were the ever present kill joys. Fast forward to secondary school, I lived
through my junior secondary days anticipating the Geography excursion that was
customary with SS2. Long before I got into senior school, watching my seniors
line up in excitement as they filled up the buses, I made up my mind that my
parents were not going to prevent me from having this experience. I made good
on this promise.

I remember the sober look, late that night when I stepped into the house after returning from the Geography excursion to Delta State. My parents has been worried sick when I didn’t return from school on time, until a neighbour asked if they were not aware of the class excursion. Lol

The young explorer that refused to be held back

After this hard lesson
learnt by my folks, I think they finally got it that travel was a huge part of
me. They never objected to me going for excursions during my University days,
even when we made a road trip to Benin Republic. Though after my graduation,
they tried it with me once again. One evening I didn’t come home, they called
to inquire where I was. I responded I was in Lagos. The silence at the other
end of the line, priceless.

Ever since then, I haven’t
had issues with them when I want to travel. I have since learnt how to deal
with their unnecessary worries and several calls to find out how I’m doing when
I’m away. Maybe when I’m a parent I will finally get this.

Travel started actively
for me in 2016. I love to explore new places, I’m team see the world. But to a large
extent travel helps me find balance. Those periods off my reality helps me
recharge and find renewed purpose. I have been fortunate to visit 11 countries
and I planned to take that to 18 countries by ending this year, but Covid-19
has other plans.

2020 is fast looking
like a no travel year, no thanks to the novel Coronavirus. A huge part of my life
has been taken away (against my will) and its heart breaking to say the least.

My initial Easter
travel plan was for Singapore, but that had to be cancelled ‘cus at the time, they
had the second largest number of cases after China. Their cases were just below
hundred. If only we knew we would be talking of millions of infected persons
worldwide in two months’ time.

By March I was looking
forward to plan B, being Easter break in Cape Verde. I even made part payment. Flights
started getting cancelled here and there by airlines. My Cape Verde trip also
got cancelled. One thing I have since learnt about traveling is, always keep an
open mind as plans can easily go awry. I started looking out for alternative travel
deals within Nigeria being that most countries were shutting their borders.

Plans for local travels
got cancelled as well when the cases in Nigeria began to rise. Incase I decided
to be brave and still embark on the journey, the universe made sure to seal my
fate as lockdown was announced in several states with their borders shut.

I ended up spending Easter at home.
It’s crazy that I haven’t been to a beach
this year. This isn’t funny anymore.

Fast forward to post
lockdown, which started with a glimmer of hope that soon all this will be a
thing of the past, in good time to plan for an end of year trip. All that hope
has since been quenched with the directive from my Organization’s Human
Resources department, mandating everyone to proceed on 2020 annual leave before
June 30th. This is the final blow to my 2020 travel plans. The end.

I give up. ‘Rona’ has
won.

On the bright side, I’m
going to take this as an opportunity to execute the idea I have been
contemplating regarding funding plans for my travels. I have been considering one
year of no travels, such that I’ll save for the coming year’s travel plans. The
budget for the next year’s trips will be pegged to whatever was saved up the
preceding year, and whatever is saved that year as well, will be the budget for
the next and so on and on. (My travel budget is different from my normal
savings target with each having their dedicated revenue lines).

I think this will be a
nice reset to how I fund my travels, though I don’t know feasible this will be
considering I’m starting this plan second quarter of the year. However, it’s
still worth the shot. Whatever I save will definitely ease up my cashflow for
next year’s plans. Here’s hoping the pandemic will be over by then and it will
be very safe to travel.

I need to feel the rush while doing adventure filled
activities off of my bucket list. Mostly I crave another hike through the woods! I need to explore and
finally do the adventure filled trip I have been dreaming about (one trip where
I will knock off a number of bucket list items).

While I’m praying for
this pandemic to be over so we can all have our lives back and also, so travel
can resume, I don’t think I will be bold enough to embark on a trip till after
three months when it’s over, especially international trips. I can manage local
travels, but outside the country? Not so sure. I mean, even after the rain stopped,
Noah had to send out a bird from the ark to survey the earth to be sure all was
well before disembarking.

“And
he waited yet another seven days, and again he sent the dove out from the ark. Then
the dove came to him in the evening, and behold, a freshly plucked olive leaf
was in her mouth; and Noah knew that the waters had receded from the earth.”
Genesis 8 vs10 – 11.

No
one knows when all this will be over, or how long the new normal will be for. But
I’m hopeful that soon enough, a vaccine will be found and the world can heal/recover
on all spheres and living will once again thrive. Right now we are all just
trying to survive.

This
pandemic has helped me evaluate a lot of things. So many things we took for
granted, like freedom of movement. The first trip after this crisis is going to
be special. It will most likely feel like a rebirth, a gift and I bet almost
every avid traveller will not complain about the mundane stuff we usually throw
tantrums about. We’ll take off our shoes at check points without grumbling. Some
may probably give the immigration officers a broad smile and gladly fill the
landing cards.

But
till then, stay safe, and keep maintaining social distancing.

We’ll
get through this.

Love,
Sayi

• 

  Till it's safe to fly again...

• 

  Cheers to future safe travels...

AND TIME SLOWED...

Stillness.

I doubt I have craved
anything more than my age-old desire for an extended period of quietness. To be
able to count my breath as each second passes without feeling like I am racing
against time. To have a prolonged period of rest without the pressure of meeting
deadlines. To exist, just be, frozen in time; days on days with nothing in
particular to accomplish.

I remember how this
year started in fast forward for me. Work was a marathon, chasing back to back transactions.
This actually started in October last year, reaching a peak in February. The
Christmas break was more or less a haze, swept past without me savouring the
festivities. Work was crazy and the months went in a flash, leaving me burnt
out ending February.

It took a lot of mental
strength trying to balance life and work. The one thing that kept me sane was
my holding on to my planned trip during Easter. I drew strength each day from
looking forward to that escape. The thrill of visiting a new country, relaxing
on a beach with all cares forgotten and eating airplane food after several
months of not flying  (I actually miss
airplane food served during International flights, weird I know).

But then, Covid-19 became
a global problem. It was easier seeing on the news how other countries were
battling the virus, that sense of nonchalance when disaster seems far from
home. Then an index case was discovered in Nigeria and shit got real.

I ended up spending my short
leave slated for the Easter break at home, flights grounded worldwide and
travel plans cancelled.

A lot has changed and
we are all basically winging life through strange times. From the initial panic
and everyone being on edge, to dealing with boredom while at a loss as to how
to navigate this new territory. Initially when the lockdown started, everyone
seemed to be throwing themselves at different things; online challenges, video
calls, hours online and whatever just to pass time.

I think things have slowed as we have all realized this might be the new normal for quite a while. Some persons have settled into the new isolated life, others are still struggling. Personally, at times I have a hang of it all, other times I’m lost/clueless. General nonchalance about the seriousness of the virus is beginning to set in and I foresee a collapse of the lockdown order (if it gets extended further) as economic realities bites harder since our government has failed to provide palliatives to the vulnerable.

Initially, I loved the
rest and extra free time that came when the lockdown started. Though a part of
me felt guilty I was relaxing too much and wasting precious time. I continued reading
the book I was on before the pandemic, spent more hours watching movies and
series, as well as exploring music.

One week into the stay
at home/work from home I got bored. My entire being began to revolt. On a normal
day, I’m an introvert and I love being indoors, but I felt restricted sort of,
like this wasn’t me staying indoors because I wanted to. I guess when choice is
taken from you, it’s never the same.

The haze that was February
was suddenly forgotten. Staying indoors began to take so much effort. I found
myself downloading houseparty, making video calls, doing things on a normal day
I won’t do. I had to talk to myself when I realized I had consumed the amount
of data I used for a month in just 15days. Then I knew I was going about the
lockdown the wrong way. My rule is, when I’m indoors I should be saving money
(as far as I am not doing online shopping).

I saw that infamous post circulating on social media -

This got me a bit
angry. I mean, the motivational fanatics must always do the most. Really though,
people need to chill and learn how to enjoy rest. We must not be doing something
always, chasing this or that.

Just as Chude stated in his post, the lockdown is a gift wrapped up in a pandemic.

“I am receiving the gift of suspension.
I am not placing myself under undue pressure. I am resting. Like a lot of you
need to, especially if you can afford it.

If you haven’t had the time to catch
your breath for weeks or months or years, you have been given a gift, wrapped
up in a pandemic.” - Chude     

It was until I read Chude’s post I realized this was a gift I was letting go to waste. I have long imagined what it would be like to take an extended break off everything. Not have a to-do-list to pursue daily, no work to go to in the morning or be on an itinerary when I’m on a tour.

I had to consciously accept
rest. I chose to bask in it. I was not going to feel guilty about doing
nothing. You know that feeling of guilt whenever you want to take a rest? We
need to dead the idea that relaxation is laziness or waste of productive time.

“I don’t want to rush all through the effort and the hard
work just to get to the end. It’s not a race. I’m not against anyone. This is
not a competition.

I don’t want to get to these milestones I dream about getting
to and find myself exhausted and so burnt out that I can’t enjoy the fruits of
hard work and sustained effort. I don’t want to be miserable at my most proud
moments.” – Jamie Varon

This pandemic has shown
that most of us don’t know how to rest. There is always something we are
chasing. What’s so wrong in deciding to do nothing? To take out time to rest
and savour the progress we’ve made in our journey.

“I never enjoy anything

I'm always waiting for
what's next

I think everyone's like
that...

Living life in fast
forward

Never stopping to enjoy
the moment

Too busy trying to rush
through everything

So we can get on with
what we are really supposed to be doing with our lives

I get these flashes of clarity           

Brilliant clarity
where, for a second I stop and I think

Oh wait, this is it

This is my life

I better slow down and
enjoy it

Because one day we are
all gonna end up in the ground

And that will be it,
we'll be gone...” (Stuck in Love Movie, 2012)

I had to measure myself
after half a month of resting and not indulging in any serious tasks. After two
weeks of free styling each day, I decided to create a plan for myself, sort of
a quarantine routine.

The goal was to keep
myself on a self-development path after chilling resting for a few weeks
while also ensuring I didn’t overdo it. I gave priority to rest being that
working from home is almost a scam. There really is no boundary and I found myself
working at odd hours, weekends were not spared. I mean, you are working from
home so when really is your closing time?

The quarantine routine
was also necessary, because - “a little sleep,
a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest and poverty will come
to you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man.” – Proverbs 6: 10 -14 and Proverbs
24: 33- 34 (yup, it’s repeated twice in the bible)

I wanted to be active
and not struggle aimlessly with boredom or idleness. Based on the arrangement
with my colleagues, I went the office twice a week and worked from home the
other days. This helped in lots of ways I didn’t think it would. I was able to
balance the lockdown period by going to the office twice a week. I can’t begin
to imagine what it’s has been like for those living in cities with full lockdown
for a month plus.

So far, I have successfully
read two hard copy books. One was a self-help book, the other a novel. I lost
count of the numerous online articles and blogs I read. I’m currently
studying/reading texts for a professional exam while cooking more often, and
using early morning chores or light workouts to gain clarity for the day.

One thing I love about
the quarantine routine I set up is, it prevented me from overindulging and
getting too comfortable with free time. This pandemic will not last forever,
soon enough it will be back to business. I’d hate to struggle to get back to my
routine when work resumes especially with the announced easing of the lockdown
by May 4. I’m expecting it will be back to daily work routine at the office. Hopefully
this isn’t a ticking bomb that’ll escalate to something terrible like how bad
Italy had it.

I am going to use this
last week of the lockdown to sort out my now distorted sleeping pattern, get
closure on the long hours of sleep I enjoyed and also psyche myself in
readiness for return to the fast lane office routine.

 “Nothing I am spending my time on right now is
part of ‘the hustle’ or some tech bro ten step list to being productive.  I feel focused because I know what is
important to me and I know how good it feels to take consistent, inspired
action.

The
intentions I have for my life aren’t for other people. It’s not to be
impressive or shiny, to be aspirational or prefect, to prove something to other
people.

It’s for my
own well-being, my happiness, my joy.

It’s for the
feeling I get when I act in a way that is loving toward myself.” – Jamie Varon

Weirdly, this period
got some of us learning the right pronunciation of quarantine. I can’t wait
till the term ‘social distancing’ is no more frequently used, God knows I’m
tired of hearing it. But till then, I’m keeping safe while trying to take
things easy and also cut down on news channels as that has proven to be a major
source of fear. Its okay to keep familiar with happenings in my immediate environment,
but to absorb news from every corner of the world about the pandemic is only
asking for panic and anxiety.

We need to pay
attention to our mental health this period and also be smart about our
finances. Cash is king, but doesn’t mean you should spend recklessly in the
name of surviving the pandemic and killing boredom. Prioritise rest, but also
be smart about how you overcome boredom. This is not the time to take up more debts,
try as much as possible to be prudent financially.

Also, wear your face
mask when you are outdoors, always.

This too shall pass and
we will come out stronger.

Love, Sayi

SOMETHING ON FINANCE

Several persons have in the past asked me for tips on how to
save, so I thought I’ll make a post on it. I may not be a financial guru or
investment banker, but I think I know one or two things about saving. Things I
learnt on my own or from others or from reading online posts on personal
finance.

The conversation has since gone beyond just saving. The game
plan now is; work, save and invest.  Learning
how to save is the first step, but you also need to learn how to get your money
working in order to earn you stress free returns.

Imagine a life where you enjoy your free time exploring your
hobbies, instead of spending it on a side hustle because the returns you get
from your investment pays you just as much.

In my response to the question on how to save, I started by explaining
that one can only save from excess cash left after basic needs have been met. I
added that life choices can also reduce the cost of the basic needs if one decides
to go strict on savings plans.

Saving requires sacrifice and discipline.

My watch words have been – ‘every kobo counts’ and ‘there
is rice at home’.

Record keeping shouldn’t be alien to your personal finance.
I have an excel sheet where I have records of projected earnings/income,
expenses as well as debtors/creditor list.

Don’t make the mistake of not putting down the amount and
name of those you lend to, especially if you do so frequently.

Every kobo needs to be kept on track to avoid income
leakages. I update this excel spreadsheet on a weekly basis. It has account balances,
investment balances with maturity dates as well as projected monthly expenses.
From the top of my head I know my fixed monthly expense. This amount only
varies those months where I have extraordinary expense(s).

At the beginning of each year, I plan my financial calendar.
It’s not necessarily cast in stone, but it serves as a guide. I tweak it as the
year progresses based on new realities.

I plan my travel trips, make budget for each trip and also
craft saving plans towards the proposed trips. I also do same as for other projects
like professional examination fees and any other things I plan to do that year.

One thing I do is conservative
budgeting where I underestimate my income/revenue lines while overstating
my expenses. This is to hedge against unpleasant surprises.

Talking about discipline, this may sound funny, but I
actually borrow from myself. If something comes up, or I spend beyond my initial
budget, I make sure I return whatever sum spent. Say I spend N20,000 not
budgeted for from my account in X&Y bank, I record it as borrowing from
myself which must be paid back, after which I expunge the record.

In as much as I try to avoid impulse buying, I have told myself I need to spoil myself once in a while. So my check/control here is making sure every kobo spent on impulse buying is returned to which ever account I took it from. If this is not done, one day I will realize my savings/capital base has depleted drastically.

I once read on a blog about saving a part of your monthly earnings in foreign currency. I adopted this in 2018. You need to hedge against exchange rate, especially with the dwindling crude oil prices and coronavirus influenced economic meltdown. Savings apps like Rise vest and Cowrywise affords you the opportunity to invest in foreign currency. Though I have an issue with their not allowing one invest directly from your domiciliary account. You need to buy dollars from them at rates higher than black market rate, and when you want to transfer back to your account at maturity, its at a fee.

Always keep records of all income and expense! This is key. I
can’t overemphasize this. Update the records as well. Give your self-saving
targets for a certain time frame. When you hit the target, increase it even if
you meet it before the set date.

Each month I plan for any extraordinary expenses that needs
to be settled. For example, next three months I need to get new tyres for my
car, make payments for trips and return monies I borrowed from myself. All these
have been calculated, a funding plan drawn up and placed on my table to remind
me daily. This serves as a reminder so when income comes, I attend to them
first (of course these are second to my basic needs which I have already
factored in).

Never forget to make room for unbudgeted expenses. Always
envisage them. When I have to immediately fix a car or do something, I take them
as borrowing for myself. Wherever I took the money from, I must return it.

I mentioned something about the phrase ‘There is rice at home’ being
one of my watch words. When I need to cut cost, maybe after spending so much on
entertainment, or there is need to save for a new project, I remind myself there
is rice at home. During the ‘there is rice at home’ phase I pack my lunch for
work. I avoid excessive spending and stick to a strict budget while always
reminding myself there is rice at home to prevent me from indulging in junk
buying. Eating out is totally prohibited this period.

Some people do extra stuff like not buying asoebi. For me, I
like being there for friends and supporting friends whether it is marriage or a
new business. Either I save towards buying the asoebi or make provision for it
in next month’s expense. If it’s immediate, I recognize it as borrowing from
self.

I won’t allow saving money ruin my relationship with people.
The key is proper financial planning and record keeping, while of course being
disciplined to stick to your budget. Same thing I say to people who complain
about rent. I wonder why they wait for a month to rent due date before they
start thinking of raising the funds to pay the rent. Why not spread the amount
over the year and keep a certain amount aside every month towards rent payment?

Sometimes customers come to my desk and say they want to
invest their savings. When I calculate the interest they will earn, their
facial expression changes and they say they rather put it business. I wonder
how many of these customers really put the money in business to earn a higher return.
I can bet 95% of them end up spending it. I read a girl’s interview on Zikoko
about her wanting to save huge capital before she starts investing in order for
her to earn big returns. She was discouraged to invest just N100,000 and earn
less than N25,000 in nine month’s time. I shook my head because odds are, she
will never save that huge capital to start investing.

As Dr. Tayo Oyedeji (C.E.O of Overwoodng) rightly said – ‘idle
money grows wings’.

That capital she is keeping in her savings account will end
up being spent on clothes or something else. Also, investment needs a lot of
patience. We need to get rid of this get rich quickly mind-set. Sometimes it’s
not about the interest to be earned. It’s more about finding a safe place to
keep your savings. An extra naira earned is far better than keeping the money
fallow in your account.

There’s this phrase that stuck with me which I got from
training school - don’t eat your future today.

Start saving, start investing the money in Treasury bills or
Mutual funds. I remember when I started investing in Treasury bills, the
principal was small, and as we know, the higher the principal, the higher the
interests.

I always re-invested the interest and principal on maturity,
along with new savings from my salary. My savings grew gradually over time
without me even taking notice. I mean, looking back at when I started investing
to where I am now, its mind blowing how much I have achieved. It takes just one
small step and then continue consistently.

One needs to continue saving/investing because we are in a shithole country with no good health care system. Besides, money is never really enough. When you set a target, you’ll realize the moment you get close to hitting it, that target that once looked like a lot of money seems so small. Most importantly for us living in this third world country, despite our savings, we are only just one health crises away from poverty.

Read self-help books on finance and financial blogs (Good sites are Nairametics and Proshare. Do research on investments, there are so many options.

The golden rule is, the risker the investment the higher the
returns. First you need to know your risk threshold. Personally I am very risk
averse, so I shy away from high risk instruments such as crypto currency and
stocks. Though recently I couldn’t help but take advantage of the global
meltdown in the capital market caused by the novel coronavirus.

There’s this game investors play around shares and dividend
payments. They buy stocks close to the closing date/qualification date for
dividend payment for Blue chip companies that have consistently paid good dividends.
They wait patiently for the share price to go up and then sell off. They gain
from dividend earned, and then again from selling off the shares later on.

For this, I’ll only advise persons who have large capital
base, enough to diversify and play around various options. Sometimes it could
be a long wait for share price to appreciate. Also, it’s easier for such
investors to absorb shocks from economic uncertainties than for someone who has
limited savings.

Well, this post is mainly for starters. I’ll advise anyone to grow their principal/savings to an appreciable level before thinking of diversifying.

Not everyone has same level of discipline, so it’s best to start with savings plans on Cowrywise or Piggvest. You are not able to touch your funds till maturity date set by you and also you earn interest on your savings. Another reliable option is Overwoodng.

From there, you can move to investing in Treasury bills through a Commercial Bank. I know Access Bank currently has the minimum principal amount for investment (N100,000). Though Tbills rates crashed last December when individuals and Local companies were banned by the CBN from Omo bills. This unfortunately had a negative impact on mutual funds and the rates on those earlier mentioned savings apps.

This has led to increase in popularity of agro-investments. Three trusted ones I know that have been in business for years now are Agro-Partnership, Bazuze and Requid. There is also Farm Sponsor which has a shorter tenor of 3months at 15% flat. What I like about these alternative investments is that their rates are flat, unlike the conventional investments and mutual funds that have annualized rates. Though the agro investments are a lot riskier, I know they are all insured by Leadway. But truth is, if anything goes wrong, after Leadway insurance pays them, it’s left to their discretion to pay off their subscribers or disappear.

But it’s all worth it, as far as you play by the rules of diversifying your funds and not putting all your eggs in one basket. Most importantly, not investing amounts that you know you can’t bear to lose.

Meanwhile do take note of scammers in the agro funding
business, as there are so many now. The ones I have listed are the ones I have
done due diligence on. Safe thing I do is, spreading my funds across all three,
because, you can’t put your eggs in one basket. The likely hood that all three
agro fund managers will disappear into thin air at the same time is highly
unlikely.

The thing with agro investments is, you need ready cash at
hand as notice for subscription comes suddenly and before you know it, it’s
sold out. That’s why Requid is a favourite. They are basically secondary market
for the others who deal directly with the farmers. This enables them to have stock
for subscription almost all the time, though this is discounted in tenor and
interest rate.

Another investment option is Intermediation. I know a few persons who engage in this. Lending out funds to people at a fixed interest rate, but the trouble that comes with this can be quite overwhelming. A safe option is giving your funds to a cooperative that will handle the loans to their members, while you earn a percentage every month. In this arrangement, its easy to get your monthly earned interest but getting your principal out might prove a challenge. However, a more structured option is being proposed by Lendha, though it’s still in the works but will be out soon.

Due to my work schedule I avoid side hustles, mostly because
I crave a balanced life. I need to utilize my free time resting or exploring my
hobbies. Extra income is important but what could be better than getting the
extra income via your saved up cash working for you without you moving a muscle?

I would have invested in the Uber/Bolt but being someone big
on trust, and my innate dislike for stress (can’t be dealing with unfaithful
drivers and their drama). I stay within my comfort level and play around low to
medium risk investments, as well as stress free investments.

“I loathe the ‘hustle’. I believe life should be easy. Even
when it’s difficult outside of my control, I believe the solution is easy. I
believe in ease” – Jamie Varon

The financial market keeps evolving and new opportunities
keep coming up. Learn to read and subscribe to financial newsletters. Also have
smart conversations with friends and follow finance guru’s handles on twitter.

I’m still learning and studying the financial market in
Nigeria. I don’t rush into investments. I weigh my options, carryout due
diligence and run permutations. I take my time in assessing the risks, compare returns
from alternative options before deciding where to invest, but most important
deciding rule for me is safety of my funds.

I thought to myself one day, if companies can earn spontaneous
financing from delayed payments why then can’t I apply it to my personal life also?

I used to be the type to fix anything as soon as it’s faulty
or clear out a bill immediately it’s due. But I told myself to chill, no one is
putting a gun to my head. Since then I have enjoyed the beauty of deferred
payments and also learnt how to manoeuvre my cashflow such that it’s now easier
managing expenses and bills.

I used to hate taking soft loans from friends, but I have
since learnt how much it helps to ease my cashflow. I don’t joke with repaying
on the agreed due date. Also, don’t be that wicked friend that invests all his
money and is earning interest but goes about borrowing from his friends’ free
cashflow, thereby preventing them from investing.

Only when it’s necessary do I borrow from friends to bridge
my casflow, but I ensure it’s not more than a month, considering I have my cash
earning interest somewhere. Trying to outsmart everyone in the room is never a
cute trait.

Learn creative ways of managing your cashflow. One period
when Tbill rates were still high, I had a sum of money which I was to take from
to get a new car battery. A thought came to me, I looked up Tbill rates and available
tenor. I didn’t need the money anytime soon so I invested it. I got my interest
upfront, used part of it to buy the battery and still had change. Few months’
time, my initial capital matured. Win – Win.

Oh by the way, there is such a thing as being cash-strapped,
not broke, cash strapped. There is a big difference. I once tied all my cash in
investments but I quickly learnt it’s vital to have cash around. It’s okay to keep
some funds aside for emergency, miscellaneous and also investment opportunities
that may come up especially if you are into agro funding investments. But don’t
go spending it on frivolities.

I must warn this is not the time to invest voraciously due
to current economic realities (Coronavirus pandemic and Crude oil price war between
Russia and Saudi Arabia). Cash is king for now. There is so much uncertainties
right now. But do not tinker with your already running investments, ride it
out. This too shall pass. Last month was a good time to buy stocks as the
prices were down but with the imminent lockdown, cash really is king.

We should all ride it out and when the storm is over come
back to this post and start afresh for those who haven’t started yet. For those
who have built a capital base start investing and remember, do not eat your
future today. 

2020 so far…

Is it too early to do a review of the New Year?

I stumbled on a powerful post by Oreoluwa Fakorede titled Talking to myself at 21 (everyone needs to read it). I remember Reward tweeting at me that January was not yet over and I had already read the post a hundred times.

The post is my unofficial guide for the year. Something to keep
me on track, to remind me to take a minute to breathe when my head gets clogged.
Most importantly, something to remind me that it’s okay to make plans and also have
things fall through.

I get that millennials seem to wing life a lot these days. I’m not okay with it. Maybe because I have always been that guy who loves to plan every detail. Even a casual hangout, I plan the entire itinerary in my head. But I have since learnt to give room for uncertainties. I can be spontaneous at times, but I prefer working with a plan.

How people go through life sort of aimlessly scares the shit
out of me. I get it reduces the chances of disappointments but still, I just
can’t throw myself to the wind and let it blow me wherever. It’s like sitting
and waiting for life to happen to you. I want to have a say in how my life
turns out, even though most things are out of my control but atleast I’d love
to feel I’m playing a major part in defining my path.

“You’re going to make mistakes. I wish that wasn’t true, but you’re
going to. You will let yourself down sometimes. Don’t wallow, don’t beat
yourself up about them and don’t settle where you fall. Learn the lessons and
move along at your pace. Getting lost while finding yourself isn’t only normal,
it’s purposeful. Your story will not be tainted because you missed a few steps,
that’s part of the journey. So be grateful for the wrong turns and treasure the
hard-earned wisdom for saving other people from pitfalls.” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

I had to ‘restart’ my 2020 several times in January. Things were
not going as planned. My finances were shit (thanks to the investment rates
that crashed December last year) and my application for a Postgraduate program
seemed to hit a brick wall. I sat with my financial spreadsheet almost every
day, making rearrangements, calculations and what not. It became so
frustrating, at a point I had to shut it all down. I read Ore’s post one more
time and decided to let go. I was not going to chase money and I was not going
to obsess anymore about alternative investment plans.

“Three things will call to you: money, power and respect. They will
scream your name. Do not answer, do not even think about answering, and do not
chase them. If you find the path that’s meant for you (and I pray you do), you
will have enough of all three, the portions you can handle.” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

I stopped looking at my spreadsheet. I pushed everything concerning
finances to the back of my mind and accepted that my finances this 1^st
quarter will be nothing to write home about. Only then did I find peace. Sometimes
to feel better, you just have to give up stop.

Talking about stopping to feel better, I finally stopped
hurting myself. I know Reward is going to frown while reading this part, and he’ll
definitely not approve (I can just see his face right now). I reached out to my
ex. Yea, the one I have spent the last four or five posts talking about in one
way or the other *face in palm.

Being my realest relationship to date and also the longest I’ve
had, there is no denying the impact the relationship has on me. I really wanted
this one ex wiped out of my memory. This is one ex I never wanted to be friends
with, unlike the FEW others I am still very good friends with. But I realized I
was hurting myself trying to do the impossible of erasing what we had.

We have both grown and learnt our mistakes. We’ve taken
responsibility and accepted our roles that led to the mess. As days went by
after my reaching out, my emotions settled and I found clarity. I felt lighter,
God knows my wanting to build a divide between us was a huge burden I had been
carrying for far too long.

I’m glad I reached out
as this has finally brought us peace. My healing process has been completed. I have
come full cycle and faced all the scars I was running from. Our first
conversation felt like therapy and I believe we both found healing in it.

“Accept your humanity and admit your weaknesses but don’t use them as
an excuse for bad behaviour. You can be better. Don’t lie to yourself, don’t
hide behind your moral frailty, don’t push change forward. Save yourself every
time you have the power to do it, always picking self-sacrifice (for lasting
rewards) over easy choices and temporary comforts. Cowardice has no true
benefit. ” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

You know how sometimes it feels like some persons come into your
life for a specific purpose? I had that experience first week of this month. I met
a representative of a new client I was to handle a business transaction for. The
funny thing is, the transaction got pulled immediately he helped sort out my
postgraduate admission issue. Our paths crossing was a clear answer to my two weeks
long prayer.

When it felt I was not going to get admitted, my mood began
to sink. Furthering my education is top on my list of 2020 goals. It began to seem
my plans for 2020 was fast falling apart. I started looking for short courses
or a professional course to register for. I wasn’t happy about it but I had to
make alternative plans while also praying for a miracle. Thankfully, God came
through for me via that chance encounter.

Ten years after my first degree I am finally going back to school.
Any regrets? None at all. Sometimes my head tries to mess with me, gets me
thinking if I had listened to my boss who kept telling me to go for M.Sc. back
then in 2015 when I had just transferred to Benin, I would have since completed
it. But nah, I have learnt to live my life according to my timelines.

I remember the guy who came back to Benin in 2015 after
working a year and few months in Lagos. I was a broken man in every sense of
the word. I was just recovering from a health scare, broken physically and in very
low spirits. I needed a very long rest to heal in a whole lot of ways. So no, I
don’t regret anything. I feel ready now and I know I truly want it. I mean,
2016 and 2017, I did get two admissions to graduate school but I didn’t go because
my mind wasn’t in it.

“Come second, bloom late, fail, whatever.
Your time will still come, it has to. You may feel left behind, like everyone
else is moving and you’re not. Please, it’s not true. For who I know you to be,
it just cannot be true. Your clock ticks for you alone, and as long as you
don’t waste the time you are given, you’ll find your way where you need to be
at the best time for you. You’ve heard this before but repetition brings
reinforcement: Love yourself. Be patient with yourself and have some faith in
your abilities. ” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

I asked someone recently if it’s possible to feel like you
are evolving into someone you don’t get. These days I don’t want to be seen. I have
long lost faith in humanity and learnt to be intentional about choosing my friends.
But these days I find myself on a new level of seclusion.

Once in a while I stay off social media, but I never thought I will be able to pull off being off Whatsapp (mostly because of work group chats). But boy! I have been off Whatsaap and twitter for two weeks now and it feels so amazing. Thanks to my phone that crashed. You’ll be amazed how free your mind is when you don’t fill it up with noise. Nosie here being those stuff you see on people’s status/stories or retweets from clout chasers.

“Don’t get carried away with things designed to disappear, that’s a
recipe for an empty life. The right company exists: the kind that nurtures,
shares your values, believes in your process, respects you and is going where
you’re headed. Find it. Until you do, do not be afraid to be alone. Aloneness is better than compromise. ”
- Oreoluwa Fakorede

I had to log on to twitter on Sunday because that’s the only
place to reach Mute. Owen called that he was asking about me as my whatsapp
messages weren’t delivering. The few minutes I spent on twitter made me feel
soiled, felt like my white shirt got stained with mud. So much toxicity and distractions.
I recognize this feeling, I felt it moments before I deactivated my Facebook
account years ago. I won’t fight it.

My focus these days has been on things that directly affect me
and matters most. My mind isn’t processing unnecessary information. My phone crashing
feels like a gift. I’m not in a hurry to get a new one. I’m enjoying being cut
off from a lot of persons. This is a rare priceless gift I want to enjoy as
long as it lasts, because I know my boss will soon start complaining about my absence
from the group chats.

When Ose asked why I cleared out my instragram pictures, I told
him I wanted to breathe. He didn’t understand and I didn’t bother explaining
either. I have gotten to the stage where if you get it, then you get it. If you
don’t, no need explaining cus I’d just drain my energy doing that and you still
won’t get it. I’m not sure I get who I am evolving into, it might be a phase,
but I love the seclusion that comes with it. Protecting my mental space is top
priority for me these days.

“Your time is not unlimited, not everything deserves it.
Neither does everyone. Measure it out like it would kill you to waste it,
because there’s no getting it back once it’s gone” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

Mostly I am thankful that so far 2020 has been relatively peaceful
mental health wise. I’m grateful for the calm and I pray it lasts. And I also
pray music gets better because the albums released so far have been below par.
I mean its February ending already, should I be worried? Or did I miss out on a
good album released this year?

I started this post asking if it’s too early to make a review
of 2020, I don’t think it is. If possible, we should do it monthly to make sure
we are on track towards reaching our set goals. In this age where social media
reigns supreme it’s so easy to get distracted.

“The best version of you is not trapped in a
distant memory or waiting in some undefined future. It is what you make of
yourself today. Leave the past alone, it has no power over you beyond what you
allow. Don’t obsess over tomorrow either, you can’t control everything. Accept
that and you will have a lot less to worry about. ” - Oreoluwa Fakorede

MUSIC REVIEW - MY TOP ALBUMS OF 2019

2019 saw
me opening up more to hip hop and Nigerian music. I deliberately decided to
expand my music reach but I still wasn’t able to embrace rap (I really tried
with NF’s The Search album) but as Dr. Paschal once said, Art is to be enjoyed
and not endured.

2019 saw
the return of veteran Boy bands – Backstreet boy and Westlife and well new age
boy band - Jonas Brothers. Avril Lavigne also made a comeback with a decent
album (Head above water).

I thought
we were done with deluxe album versions? Beyonce used to be very good at
releasing deluxe versions after we’ve all got the first release. Most times the
deluxe version contains less than five new songs, which are usually
underwhelming. 2019 saw this trend comeback. Culprits included David Archuleta,
Maria Carey and John Legend on their Christmas albums. Also Lewis Capaldi, Tom
Walker and Bastille (this band should have just saved the new material for a
new album rather than extend the Dooms Day LP into a ridiculous 21 tracks).

Speaking
of track number, I think the perfect track length is 10 tracks. 13 is fair but
anything more than that, there is a high chance of losing your audience,
besides with many tracks, the easier it is to lose track of the album theme.

I saw this recently on twitter –

This has
always been something I look out for in albums. The songs should be arranged
such that they flow and the album concept is not lost on the listener. Song
arrangement has always been a major flaw on Ed Sheeran’s albums and his 2019
effort (No. 6 Collaborations) was no better.

Funny I am complaining about the track number, considering I struggle on whether to keep my blog posts short or long. Most times I don’t care about the readers, it’s more about me being satisfied. So yea, in a way I get the artists, best to create what your heart wills than let the listeners opinion make you lose your authenticity.

For me,
the best albums are those with obvious themes/concept. You listen to the songs
and you can tell where the artist is coming from, the inspiration behind the
body of work. Albums for me, should have a concept not just a compilation of
few hit songs and fillers.

What
guides your judgement of a good album? Can one very good song, or say two good songs
save an album? I remember someone tweeting years ago how the song ‘Ever since
New York’ off of Harry Stlye’s self-titled album saved the album for him.

How many listens does it take before you decide on an album? I have since told myself never to review any album or make a decision on an album till after the third or fourth play. And yea, playing an album on first listen in shuffle mode should be a crime. I mean, are you a cultist?

There are
some albums you fall in love with on first listen case in point – Fine Line by
Harry Styles, and there are those that grow on you e.g – Omo Charlie Champagne
Vol 1. by SImi.  There are also those
albums, after months of not playing them, you listen again and discover one or
two hidden dope tracks that skipped your radar e.g ‘I love you’ by Billie Eilish
(When we all fall asleep, where do we go album)

2019 was a
good year in music, specifically a good albums year. I went through precisely
100 albums I downloaded last year (crazy number, right?). I was going to do a
countdown of my 15 best albums of 2019 but I managed to settle for 20 best
albums of 2019.

Here’s a
rundown of the albums that saw me through 2019.

20.  Spectrum
- Westlife

Favourite Tracks -   Hello my love, Better man, My blood, Without you, Another life

The boys men still got it! Most persons would remember the band by their old songs and feel that’s where they peaked. I never stopped following their music. Their last efforts (Where we are – 2009 and Gravity -2010) before their hiatus were much darker in themes and you could hear their growth. This album shows they still have the magic touch as a group and the songs, still about love but this time, the songs breathe life and have an energetic spark.

19. SYML - Syml

 Favourite Tracks – Wildfire, Where’s my love, Girl

This is
one of my favourite alternative albums of 2019. I have been hooked on Where’s
my love since 2016 when he first released the song. One song on the album that means
a lot to me is Wildfire. I remember hearing the lyrics one dark period I was
questioning my existence – when you release/when you let go/you can
find yourself where you belong/you’re not the cause/you’re not too much/you’re
needed here/you’re enough.

This song brought me back to life.

18. Free Spirit - Khalid

Favourite Tracks – Bad Luck, Better, Hundred, Free Spirit, Heaven, Saturday nights

One song that should have made this album from his Suncity Ep is Vertigo. While this sophomore album doesn’t measure up to his debut album – American teen (mostly in terms of cohesion, no thanks to the lengthy track number), Khalid once again stays true to songs with lyrical depth and focus on being his true self artistically. He once again chooses creative freedom over radio friendly hits. This album is deeper and darker than his previous, focusing on social anxiety, panic attacks, losing love, depression, shutting the world out to fix/find himself. Everything I dealt with in 2019.

17. ORION - X Ambassadors

 Favourite Tracks – RULE, HISTORY, RECOVER, HOLD YOU DOWN

The band’s debut album – VHS almost had me cancelling them when it comes to albums. This changed with their much more relatable and non-robotic sounding sophomore album – ORION (which thankfully didn’t have annoying interludes that made their first album a noisy mess). This was not the album that was originally planned for release as follow up to VHS. They cancelled their previously announced Joyful album stating the album didn’t represent where they were at. The one thing I don’t find amusing about ORION is how the song titles are all written in caps, gives me a headache every time.

16. What a time to be alive (Deluxe) – Tom
Walker

Favourite Tracks – Just you and I, Leave a light on, Better half of me, How can you sleep at night?, Walk alone, All that matters (acoustic)

One of my favourite Indie artist of 2019. He reminds me of Rag ‘n’ Bone man with his amazing big vocals (unbelievable for a 27year old) he belts out so confidently. I heard leave a light on, the first single released in 2018, which got me anticipating the album. The album turned out to be one of those excellent debut album that’s so good you start hoping the curse of a first good album doesn’t plague him.

15. A place we knew – Dean Lewis

 Favourite Tracks – Hold of me, Waves, Be alright, Chemicals, Half a man

Follow up to his excellent Same Kind of Different Ep released in 2017, this album (A place we knew) cements him as a talented song writer. This album has a theme focused on a broken relationship. I got stuck on ‘Be alright’ for an entire day. I was messed up trying to clear my head when my previous relationship hit the rocks and the song saw me through. I’m glad he didn’t fill up the album with songs off his 2017 EP, just two stand out tracks from the EP (Waves and Chemicals).

14. The Lion King: The Gift - Beyonce

Favourite Tracks – BIGGER, MOOD 4 EVA, BROWN SKIN GIRL, KEYS TO THE KINGDOM, OTHERSIDE, SPIRIT'

This album made me feel so proud that I’m a Nigerian (a feeling that’s rare). The album is everything a soundtrack album should be in terms of using voice notes from the movie as interludes. I wrote a review of the album when it came out, you can read it here.

13. African Giant - Burna Boy

 Favourite Tracks – Anybody, Dangote, Gum body, Kilin dem, Secret, Gbona, On the low

When this album was released I felt social media, specifically Twitter, was over hyping the album. I refused to get it till much later in the year after hearing Anybody performed live. I ended up playing the album back to back for two weeks. This album is top quality and proudly African even though foreign artists were featured. The album is so good, songs off it ended up in Jay Z, Barack Obama and Michelle Obama’s year end list of top songs, not mentioning the several publications that listed it on their top albums of 2019.

12. Lucid - Asa

Favourite Tracks – Torn, 365, 9 Lives, Don’t let me go

I always start playing this album from Track 2 – ‘The beginning’. It’s a perfect album opener. Asa really should have left it as the opening track as initially announced in a tweet. ‘My Dear’, the last track also serves as a perfect closing track. Lucid is another masterpiece from Asa. This is an album for those wronged by their partners in a relationship. The track, ‘Torn’ says all I once felt towards my ex. I think 2019 blessed me with albums to help me go through the motions and this album was one of them.

11. Lover – Taylor Swift

 Favourite Tracks – Cruel Summer, Lover, Archer, Afterglow, Daylight

Being a huge fan of Country Taylor, my heart breaks every time I get her new album and find out its pop. This is not saying 1989 is not one of the best albums ever made, but bless be the day Taylor Swift goes back to country music. I guess my anger over her releasing yet another pop album made me dismiss the album on first listen. But after all said and done, this is an album filled with sunshine and rainbows. Taylor Swift as always, gifts us with great song writing. This is a happy album. One downside though, is the lengthy tracklist which if reduced would have been a powerful album.

10. Sing to me instead – Ben Platt

Favourite Tracks – Temporary love, Grow as you go, Honest man, Incase you don’t live forever, Older

Early one Saturday morning of April 2019, I decided to listen to the album I had download previous week. I fell in love with it on first listen before realizing the artist was the same Ben Platt whose comic character in Pitch Perfect amused me. This is one honest, intimate and vulnerable debut album, with each song boasting impressive lyrical depth.

9.  Doom Days (This got out of hand Deluxe Edition) - Bastille

Favourite Tracks – The Waves, Million pieces, Dooms day, 4am, Another place, Those nights, Joy, Can’t fight this feeling

I have always had this issue with Bastille albums – noise (this is in no way dissing their debut album – Bad Blood which is still a masterpiece). Thankfully their characteristic ‘noise’ (or my little or no taste for EDM) was minimized on their third album. Doom Days impressed me and I was on a Bastille high for two weeks straight (well, intermixing it with X Ambassadors’ ORION). The album has 11 tracks which are built around a concept of a night out at a party, capturing human interactions and social ills. The LP felt straight to the point till well, Bastille did what they know how to do best; they released an unnecessary a deluxe edition extending the album to 22 tracks. The track ‘Those nights’ is one of my favourite songs of 2019.

8. Divinely Uninspired to a Hellish Extent
(Extended version) – Lewis Capaldi

Favourite Tracks – Grace, Hold me while you wait, Someone you loved, Forever, Fade, Before you go

Lewis Capaldi is my breakout star of 2019. I got to know about him from ‘music twitter’. His hit single – ‘Someone you loved’ didn’t catch fire on time in the US but eventually went on to top the Billboard Hot 100. The song gave me goose bumps on first listen. Every note hit me and gave me clarity, mostly as I was dealing with the pain of a failed relationship I once thought was going to last a lifetime. The lyrics “I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain/now the day bleeds into nightfall/and you’re not here to get me through it all/I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug/I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved” was everything I was feeling and dealing with. While ‘Someone you loved’ seems to be the most popular song off the album, my favourite is actually ‘Hold me while you wait’. This song broke me and made me shed tears.

7. You – Ali Gatie

 Favourite Tracks – It’s you, Moonlight, Used to you, Sunshine, Lost my lover

Forgive me
if it seems this list is made up of break up albums, but I really went through
it for the better half of last year. You by Ali Gatie is my best concept album
of 2019. I love how the album tells a story of losing love. At first he is in denial,
refusing to let go, then he is begging her not to go before he he finally
accepts it’s over. This album is perfection when it comes to track arrangement.
It comprises of just nine tracks that tells a breakup story. Another artist I discovered
in 2019 thanks to ‘music twitter’ still.The album
closer ‘Lost my lover’ was the perfect ending to the story where he accepts the
relationship is over – “Lost my lover, lost my friend/lost my start
and lost my end/You’re my worst nightmare and favourite dream.”

6. Thank u, next – Ariana Grande

Favourite Tracks – Imagine, Bloodline, Ghostin, 7 rings, Thank u next

Thank u,
next was released barely five months after her previous album – Sweetener was
released. It felt like a clean slate to wipe off the mess Sweetener was. Thank
u, next feels like that carefree album an artist decides to record after
releasing an album (like Sweetener) their record label made them release. Another breakup
album from 2019 with my best track being ‘ghostin’. Thank u, next is Ariana
Grande being artistically free and well, an upgrade to whatever Sweetener was
supposed to be. You can argue that with the album art which looks like an
upgraded version of Sweetener album’s album art.

5. Hollywood’s Bleeding – Post Malone

 Favourite Tracks – A thousand bad times, Die for me, Staring at the sun, Sunflower, Internet, Goodbyes

Post Malone is one versatile artist who can play well in any genre. He is one artist who barely has any bad song. On his third album he yet again shows how great a song writer he is and his ability to release an album full of hits. Hollywood Bleeding got me hooked on the catchy choruses and hooks, as well as superb production. The album also boasts my favourite song of 2019 – Sunflower. Hollywood is bleeding but we call it home…

4. YOU – James Arthur

Favourite Tracks – Marine Parade (2013), Quite miss home, Sad eyes, Fall, Falling like the stars, Empty Spaces, Naked

This third studio album from James Arthur would have been so much stronger if the 17 tracks were limited to 10 or 12 tracks. For me this album started from the third track – Marine Parade (2013), skip tracks four and five, and there you have a beautiful album where his honest vocals invokes this sense of vulnerability you want to drown in.

3. Laughter, Tears & Goosebumps – Fireboy
DML

Favourite Tracks –Need you, Jealous, Energy, Like I do, King, What if I say

This is arguably the most complete album from a Nigerian artist in 2019. Everything about the album screams excellence; from the honest song writing, track arrangement & length to the album’s minimal production. It’s impressive to note that this 5* debut album from Fireboy DML has no feature. No big names in the Nigerian industry was featured, yet it was one of the most critically acclaimed album released in the Nigerian music space in 2019.

2. Fine Line – Harry Styles

Favourite Tracks – Watermelon sugar, Adore you, Cherry, Falling, Fine line

This album carries a spark and has you grooving to retro vibes. If you are looking for a feel good, pleasant album to bless your day, then Fine Line is that album. Harry is solidifying his stance of going the other way when most artists these days are tendering towards the more commercial sound.

1. Where the shadow ends - Banners

 Favourite Tracks – Got it in you, No one knows us, Where the shadow ends, Light up, Safe, Too soon, Head and tails

This album saved my life, literally. I was lucky to have discovered this album during a period last year when I felt lost and purposeless. It brought light back to my world and helped me pick myself up. A ray of sunshine, a beacon of hope that tells you that you can do this thing called life. That you can go through it and still come out whole. Also, the album tells you that you don’t have to do it alone, the lyrics of most of the songs silently preaching the importance of having someone to go through life with. The album is of alternative genre and my best album of 2019.

On ‘Heads and tails’ he sings – I got you/so darling I’m staying here/…..all you hear is emptiness and noise hanging on the fall of a coin/I’m here/whatever you choose/I’m here…

On ‘Got it in you’, these lyrics gave me strength – I know you think your fire is burning out/but I still see you shining through/you got it in you.

WORTHY MENTIONS OF 2019

1. Romance - Camila Cabello
2. Norman Fucking Rockwell! - Lana Del Rey
3. Once upon a mind - James Blunt
4. Soul Searching (mixtape) – Bazzi
5. Cause & Effect – Keane
6. Parachute - Parachute
7. Spiderman Into the Verse OST - Various Artists

  FAVOURITE EPS OF 2019

• 

• 

• 

1. Brent - Jeremy Zucker & Chelsea Cutler - This EP broke me and put me back together several times.
2. Love & Light – Joeboy - This EP is everything. Always leaves me wanting more when it ends abruptly.
3. Anxiety & Mixed Emotions - Chance Pena - My go to EP whenever I need to shut the world out and focus on me.

• 

• 

• 

• 

1. Free time – Ruel - Its time Ruel blessed us with a complete album. This is his second EP and I think he is ready.
2. Glorious - Ella Henderson - Her vocals are out of this world.
3. Oh my messy mind - James Bay - Just four tracks on the EP but yet they outshine his last full length album (Electric light)
4. World war joy…call you mine – The Chainsmokers - I’m just gonna call it, the EP is way stronger than the full length album. They should have added Takeaway to the EP, would have been perfection!

UNDERWHELMING ALBUMS OF 2019

1. Game of Thrones OST - Various Artists – after seeing the trailer for the album, I almost could not contain my excitement. I actually tweeted the album will go straight to number one. Sadly, it turned out to be a gathering of A list bands and artists coming to create an OST album just as disappointing as the season finale of the show.
2. Velvet Side A (EP) - Adam Lambert – Adam doesn’t know where he is best suited. Dude wants to be a rock and roll star by all means, but his talent lies hidden in ballads. After releasing songs like New eyes and Feel Something, there was a high anticipation of an album where Adam dives into new territory, fresh new sound but nah, what did we get? Hopefully Side B will be the redemption.
3. This Summer (EP) - Alessia Cara – She started well with her debut album (Know it all) but seems it’s been downhill since then. This EP broke my heart. Where is the Alessia Cara we all fell in love with?
4. Sunsets & Full Moons - The Script – I get they want to do songs that are more socially conscious, but the songs sadly come off as cheap, cliché writings. I mean, these are same guys who had songs like The man who can’t be moved, Breakeven, For the first time…the song writing on this album and the penultimate one are so mediocre.

REARVIEW

What's the point of living if all you feel is an unending cycle of despair, struggling to keep your head above water and few flashes of happiness that don’t seem to last?

I had written an entirely different
end of year post in my head before today. It was going to be a post filled with
retrospect of 2019. A post of hope for the New Year, something brighter than my
previous dark posts.

But here I am sitting at my desk in the office, hanging by a thread. My chest aches physically but I know the pain is from the heaviness in my soul.

I have lost count of the number of times during the course of year I have silently told myself I am tired.

At this very moment, I don’t desire to
be alive. I feel like leaving my desk, walking out of the office without
telling anyone where I am headed and walk into the wild. Keep going and get
lost.

My colleague this morning already said
to me that I am being cranky. Filled with so much irritation, I responded - then
you should leave me alone.

This is really bad, my tormentor has begun to follow me to my place of work. It’s beginning to show and it bothers me lowkey but not enough to worry me. A second colleague, Eghosa just tried to find out why I am looking down but fuck it…I can’t even bring myself to tell him. I know I can count on him because we share same bond. We have both been through fair share of family pain. But I know if I open my mouth to speak, I’d break down crying.

I don’t want to cry over this matter again. Last time I did was first week of this month at Shiloh. It was embarrassing enough, a grown man crying a river in church. I tried to wipe the tears off, but it became too much that at a point I didn’t care if the world stared.

My head went through several persons I could run to for shelter – Reward, Elohor, Tunji…even the ones I have pushed away. I almost sent a message to Tunji, but I reminded myself that I said I would do this alone. I need to, have to.

I caught myself drafting an email to
my ex. Smh, still feels like a safe haven for me. Tragic. I am still longing for something
that’s long lost. I thought of going to the car to call my ex and just cry on
the phone, pour it out but I remembered Reward’s stern warning few days ago that
I resist the urge to send Hunter Hayes’ Loving you track to my ex. I deleted
the email draft and resorted to writing this.

Since yesterday I have been having
fleeting moments where I see myself putting my affairs in order and then ending
it. I have tried, I am worn out from the pain of watching helplessly the shit
my family has been dealing with for almost ten years now. When does it end? I
swear, serious conversation needs to be started about what caregivers go
through.

It was just last week I sent a message
to Tunji that my younger one is home, I’m happy and feeling well. But seems
relapse is already occurring. After two months in the hospital and less than a
week we are getting right back to it? I tried to be strong throughout Sunday,
to act like this was not going to shake me but truth is, I was using every
freaking energy in me to keep my mood up. Now I feel worn out and tired and I
just want to go numb.

My colleague, Eghosa wrote something
on his whatsapp status few days ago. He wrote – “this year, I have been strong,
but next year I just want to be happy.”

I felt that, every word he wrote.

In retrospect 2019 was easy for me, a lot better than 2018. But still, it had its down moments which is fast beginning to feel like they are overshadowing the good times. I got promoted at work (something I almost killed myself over with so much expectation), I had an amazing Lebanon trip and most importantly, ticked off a major bucket list item (summiting Mount Kilimanjaro). These were great moments I am thankful for.

I had hoped when writing my review of
2019, I will be saying I had just three major mental breakdowns this year but
its beginning to feel like it might be four. I started this year almost killing
a child when I hit him with my car on my way to work first week of January.
That messed me up and shook my world. It took months to not have my heart
racing when someone crossed the road while I drove.

July I sank so low, hitting a new low level of despair that I actually felt myself feeling pain in my soul. I always did the separating science from faith ish, believing mental health was to be sorted out by science and medicine but I found myself crawled up in my bed, crying to God to rescue me. Never have I prayed before when I felt down, but that moment, I sunk so low and it felt like I was going to keep going deeper…words fail me to explain the depth of sorrow I was in.

October broke me. The treatment I was undergoing for anxiety had some complications and then afterwards, my younger one had to be admitted. It all worsened when my close friends missed the signs that I was going through hell. That was when I knew I had to protect myself from my high expectations of people even though I give others so much energy and attention.

I resolved to do this alone and be my
own hero. While I know it’s silly and would only make life harder, but at least
I know it’s easier than dealing with the feeling of abandonment when I need
someone around. Leaning on others is such a huge risk, sucks we are wired to
need others.

Sigh…see, 2020. If I make it, I don’t want to have to write anymore sad posts. I want to have it easy, to be mentally stable and feel whole. This blog should be filled with sunshine and rainbows and not a nest of darkness and sadness.

My one desire is to not have any mental breakdowns next year.  Funny how this one wish is my greatest fear also. I broke myself last December with my unhealthy expectation for promotion and closing the financial year soundly. I feel a bit bothered I haven’t learnt my lesson and I would repeat same thing December 2020. Sometimes, I feel like walking away from my job, from the anticipation of the next grade. Because truly, after getting it I find myself thinking of how to get the next grade. It’s a cycle of expectations and ambition. To what end and at what cost?

I spent the first half of this year obsessed with how to meet my KPIs so I can get promoted again at the end of this financial year. Then I saw the below post and realized I wasn’t living right.

I wasn’t being grateful or even trying to live and enjoy my new grade. I was wasting my days scheming and over thinking every transaction. Not until I let go and became unbothered, did I begin to see the blessings and ease that came with my new grade. Ambition really is such bullshit.

***

I’m home now, and pondering over today’s events, I realize I have learned to condition my reactions to things. I have grown in that aspect especially as regards to unplanned expenses. I don’t let it bother me anymore, I tell myself it’s just money and move on. I have managed to adjust my expectations and emotional response to certain aspects of my life, but this one thing that brings me down so low, I seem to not have learned the best possible reaction.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells around my younger one’s health, such that any little thing gets my mood all over the place. You’ll think that after all the multiple relapses, several visits to the hospital, crises endured since 2010, I would be better at managing this. Every damn time I am a mess and even worse for it. I dare say I am fast losing faith, losing hope that indeed God will come through for us and let this thorn depart from us.

I look back at my earlier teenage years when I struggled with what now seems like mundane stuff that set me on the path of darkness. That had me wishing to suffocate on my pillow at night. I thought I had pain then, now I know for real what pain looks and feels like.

I have dreams of traveling the world
(I am happiest when on a trip/tour) but for how long do I keep running? Maybe I
should leave home, get another apartment in another side of town and tell my
folks not to come see me…does this even make sense? Running from my own family
because I need to keep my mental health intact?

I tell my elder ones they have it easy. They are not in the same location with us and don’t get to see these things. Heck, we hide it from them to keep their mind at ease. I am the one at home, the one who sees it all and carries the weight. I feel obligated to be here for my folks, but then I am at crossroads. Do I stay and get consumed seeing I can’t exactly detach or adjust my emotional response? Or do I run? In this case maybe not knowing would be the best. But do I truly not want to know?

Right now my prayer goes along the lines of Ruben Studdard’s 'I need an angel' track – Sometimes it’s hard to face the truth, so we run. God if you care at all, please don’t let me fall by the way side…

I have this idea of a life I want but each day its possibility of coming through slips further away from me. My mum says I should detach and live my own life, that I shouldn’t let another person’s own bother me. But I just can’t seem to know how to do this. Makes me lose my desire to be here on earth. When I get like this, I desire nothing but oblivion. The easy way out I guess, but after years of constantly battling with my mood and fighting every day to keep myself afloat, I can only desire some peace.

If I died today, I’d like people to feel happy I have finally found peace. Sometimes I find the strength to hope that my younger one’s health will get better and this thorn in our flesh will be gone forever, but these days I’m almost too worn out to hope anymore. Sadly, hope is a dangerous thing for a guy like me to have, but I still have it…

I had previously asked the guys in my office that we all hang out on Boxing Day, but right now all I crave is a very quiet Christmas. A drink, music and some quiet...